The Language of Compassion

A Key to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Presented by Marcia Christen,

Certified Trainer with the Center for Nonviolent

Communication

Tools for Resilience and Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Out beyond right and wrong there is a field…..I’ll meet you there. - Rumi

What are you wanting from today?

Why did you come today?• Learning Contribution• Community Help & Support• Connection • Fun • To be Heard• Hope• Understanding

Resilience

• Ability to recover quickly from setbacks

• Ability to spring back quickly into shape after being bent, stretched or deformed (in regards to matter).

• Resilience means having security – being able to self-regulate (bounce back), have pro-social behavior -have relationships, be able to give empathy to self and others, and have a positive sense of themselves.

To have resilient children, prepared for the challenges of the world today, able to recover quickly and bounce back, we as parents or

caregivers need to be:

GROUNDED, RESILIENT adults who can model this for children,

and help children self-regulate (return to a state of calm).

Daniel Siegel, MD, clinical Psychiatrist at UCLA

“The feeling of being connected gives children a sense of security and supports their exploration of their own emotions and the world around them.”

(supports them having resilience) .

Attachment theorists and experts say:

“What the developing brains and nervous systems of babies, children and youth need is physical contact and

emotional nurturance-- resonant empathy- from parents and caregivers, an attuned response that helps them thrive and develop self-regulating neural networks and help them feel secure in the world.”

• Connection with a grounded adult• Resonance with how they are feeling

(empathy)• Adults who move away from reliance

on judgment, criticism, blame and labeling but instead express themselves in ways that can be heard by expressing what’s important to them – what they value.

What do children need to be resilient?

How Can Nonviolent Communication (a.k.a. Compassionate Communication)

support resilience?Nonviolent communication provides:

• Skills for self-connection, self-awareness & clarity (being “grounded”).

• Consciousness of prioritizing connection• A way to give resonant empathy to our

children and teens.• A “map” for speaking & listening that

leads to connection and understanding.

The PART we play as parents

• Presence• Attention & attunement• Resonance & recognition• Empathy• Nurturing• Time and trust

Dr. Siegel’s Four S’s of Attachment

• Seen• Safe• Soothed, which all lead to • Security (and security leads to

resilience)He advocates for Sensitive care-giving

Four Ways of Hearing and Speaking

Habits of Judgment Habits of the Heart

Focused on what what’s wrong

with us and with others

Focused on connecting

with ourselves and with others

flow

of life

intention

attention

connection

present

Connecting

with myself

Expressing myself

EmpathicallyListening

What do you value?

What’s important to you?

UNIVERSAL NEEDS

• To know you matter To be heard Clarity• Inclusion/Belonging To be seen for Choice• Respect our intentions Ease• Meaningful work Safety Peace• Love Community Reassurance• Consideration Learning Integrity• Kindness Help & support Trust • Understanding Health

Creativity

Key Assumptions and Principles of NVC

1. All Actions are Attempts to Meet Needs –Everything we say or do is to meet a need Move Beyond Right/Wrong, Good/Bad/judgments

1. Human Needs are Universal3. Everyone’s Needs Matter Equally4. Feelings Result from Needs Being Met or

Unmet (No one MAKES us feel)5. We have conflict at the level of strategies

not Needs. 6. Empathy is listening for feelings

(emotions not thoughts) and Needs (not strategies).

Dr. Daniel Siegel

“Adults who have mindsight, who can express their awareness of the internal events within themselves and in others, appear to have (the coherence of mind that…) is correlated with having a child who thrives.”

Translation practice

• Think of something you don’t enjoy• Your Needs:

• Their Needs

Practice Exercise: a simple form of empathy

• In groups of 2s or 3s• Speaker - Thinks of a challenging situation – • Takes 1 to 2 min. to explain the situation (don’t

have to include all the back story).• Says their feelings (actual emotions if you can)• Listener: Guesses what’s important to the

speaker in this situation. What they value, what their Universal Needs are. Says these to the other person.

• Use list if needed.• Then switch.

© 2007 Inbal Kashtan

Listening to ourselves with an open heart with the aim of understanding and connecting with what’s alive in us,

especially with our feelings and needs

Core Question:How am I feeling,

& what am I needing?

Self-Empathy

© 2007 Inbal Kashtan

• Understanding ourselves• “Cool down” moment before taking

action• Making choices in line with our

values• Building a trusting relationship with

ourselves• Meeting our own needs for self-care

and compassion• Modeling choice for our children

Gifts of Self-Empathy

© 2007 Inbal Kashtan

Listening to people with an open heart with the aim of

understanding and connecting with them, especially by

understanding their feelings and needs

Empathy

SympathyReassurance

Advice

Empathy

Empathy• Resonance comes when we have a sense someone really

“gets” us, hears our feelings and needs, without judgment, or trying to make the experience or feeling go away.

• Children need resonant empathy to feel secure.

• Empathy is the respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.

• The key element of empathy is to be present to whatever the other person is experiencing.

• Empathy is NOT, either, blaming yourself by taking on the ‘message’ or blaming and judging the other person.

• In NVC no matter what words people use–we are listening for feelings and needs, and what this person is requesting to enrich their life.

• Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs or express their pain.

© 2007 Inbal Kashtan

NVC Tree of Life: 3 Options for Connection

Connecting with what’s alive in me:How am I feeling?What am I needing?Which option do I want to focus on next?

Communicating what’s alive in me:When I see/hear…I feel… because I need…Would you be willing to…?

Connecting with what’s alive in you:Are you feeling…because you need…?(Would you like…?)

How does focusing on Needs

support connection?• Gives clarity (contributes to us being grounded) and aids in our

children gaining clarity• Open our hearts• Helps us “own” our stuff• Helps us really hear our children• Helps us provide a grounding for our children• Promotes Good will• Increases trust• Helps us contribute to our children knowing they matter• Helps them hear us• We can find solutions that are more likely to succeed by meeting

needs of everyone• Contributes to less reactivity• Opens up ours and our children’s inner wisdom• ** provides our children with resonant empathy that leads to security

Empathy for joy!

Empathy for “positive” feelings

It’s much easier to guess what needs are up when our children express happiness and joy! Great practice for us!

It’s very meaningful to know what’s important to us when it IS happening so we can repeat it!

© 2007 Inbal Kashtan

"[Nonviolence] is a force that works silently and apparently slowly. In reality, there is no force in the world that is so direct or so swift in working.”

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Gandhi

REQUEST

• Please don’t practice this “on” your teenager or child until you’re more fluent.

• Practice with a friend, a group, your partner, etc.

• Help prevent “NVC allergy”.

What you can do:• THIS WEEK When you experience something you

don’t enjoy with your child notice within you what you are feeling and what’s important to you (your needs).

Notice how this feels.Notice your intention – to advise, fix,

punish, educate or to connect.RIGHT NOW – write down other ideas

for prioritizing connection

Suggested additional learning:• Take an introductory workshop:

Coming up: Strengthening Relationships: A Foundation in Nonviolent Communication, Bainbridge Bodhi Center. 8 week series, Sundays, 7-9pm, starting March 3rd. Or have a workshop come to your group.

Register & pay today and get a $20 discount!

Check my website www.compassionate-language.com for more classes & trainings. Subscribe to my email notifications.

• Read: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. This also has a workbook.

• Read Parenting From Your Heart by Inbal Kashtan• Read Hold Onto Your Kids & Parenting from the Inside Out• Online resources: www.cnvc.org, www.nvcacademy.org,

www.nwcompass.org, www.youtube.com – telecourses, local trainings, articles, practice groups, downloads, trainers, etc.

• Join a practice group – on-line or in person.• Get an empathy buddy to practice with.

The Most Important Tips for Relationships with Teenagers

1. Self-empathy! Guess your feelings and needs/VALUES.

What am I feeling and what is important to me here?

  We need to be grounded! All children need attachment to one grounded adult, especially teenagers.

2. Separate yourself and Quit Taking It Personally!(Q-TIP)

This is not about you, it’s about what’s going on with them (and their amygdala!) – their needs.

3. Get Empathy! (not advice or consoling) Someone who really listens to you and what’s going on for you. First 3 are part of putting your oxygen mask on first.

4.  EMPATHIZE with your children!Guess their feelings and needs. Give them resonance and security.

Guess what it is that’s important to them.

Helps them self-regulate and connect to their values. It helps them move from their amygdala (emotional center) to the thinking part of their brain.

Give empathy for happiness

 5. Remember W.A.I.T.Why Am I Talking? - to control, to lecture, to fix, to change someone, to make them feel better so I’ll feel better, or to connect? SPEAK in feelings and needs and doable requests.

Or What am I telling myself? What is my story, assumption, evaluation, judgment? Does is strengthen this connection?

Keep in mind that this relationship is more important than any one behavioral change.

 

Thank you!