The Last Taboo

JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D.

Professor, Santa Clara UniversityLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos

Father of a daughter and a sonFrequent soccer and little league coach

OPENINGQUESTIONS

When it comes to money and financial matters, it is common for members of a couple to have differences of opinion

WHY IS THIS SO?

• Greed and Fear• Money as a taboo subject• The “power” of money in a relationship• money as “dirty”• lack of knowledge on what money can

and cannot bring (i.e. it can’t bring happiness)

• Guilt and competitiveness

From a couples’ therapist’s perspective…...

• Money conflicts are poly-determined• They often have some factual numerical

basis• They always have emotional component• They reflect beliefs and values• They are usually hard to discuss

effectively• Many couples hold secrets about

finances

Exercise

Make a list of cliché’s about money that were present in your home when

you were growing up.

Compare your list with that of your partner.What are the similarities? What are the Differences?

OUR IDEAS AND FEELINGS ABOUT

MONEY ARE LEARNED AT AN EARLY AGE

What cliché’s are being given to your children?

Exercise

• What’s important about money TO YOU?

What’s important about ___________ to you?

• Is there anything more important than __________ to you?

What’s important about money to you?

• Security• Freedom• improve my life and that of my

family• Win a competition• Try to demonstrate personal self

worth by financial wherewithal• Improve the community

Exercise

What do you find disquieting about your personal relationship to money? (i.e. saving/spending patterns)?

What do you find disquieting about your partner’s relationship to money?

BLOCKS TO RESOLUTION

OF MONEY ISSUES

• COMMUNICATION• FISCAL• PSYCHOLOGICAL

Men and Women(fathers and mothers)

communicateDIFFERENTLY

It’s not just because of the topic.

When it comes to emotional topics,

What Differences do You Experience?

What Differences do you see in others?

MEN UNDERSTAND AND RESPOND TO THEIR WORLD FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN

MOTHERS DO IT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT

Gender & Communication

men women• Time limited• Bottom line first• One subject at a

time• Shoulder to

shoulder • Clear expectations• Primarily

informational

• Time open• Story first• Many subjects

interwoven• Face-to-face• Open expectations• Primarily relational

The Corpus Callosum

Women’s (mothers’) unbreakable invisible emotional umbilical cord

Serial problem solving

Men’s based on the life and death implications of hunting and war

Gender Communication Styles

IAM

MALETherefore

I DONOT

MULTI-TASK

• What’s the topic?

• Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?

SO, What does all this have to do with

As in all personal conversations

• Focus on “facts” and agreements

• More reliance on budget• Solving problems by

increasing earnings• silence under stress• will tend to blame

• Focus on internal reality, changing feelings

• Reliance on current needs• identify problems to be

discussed• will talk when under stress• will tend to blame

MEN WOMEN

Fiscal concerns

• Without actual numbers (not to the penny), discussions are all about fantasy

• Living within one’s means• Agreements need to be kept or

changed before action

Psychological Concerns

• The obvious topic may not be the “REAL” issue

• Styles with money predate meeting one’s partner

• What are the “holy needs” for spending or saving? (children, work, appearances???)

What can you do about it?

• Determine the type of conversation

recognize that conversations about money are rarely just financial. They are also about emotions and values

• Realize that the emotional and fiscal components must both be addressed and that they are both important Recognize that unilateral actions around money may be experienced as BETRAYAL by a partner. Set agreements on budgets; Make changes in agreements prior to acting on them.

CLOSINGQUESTIONS

Fatherhood Work by Dr. Shapiro

• When Men Are Pregnant (1987; 1993)

• The Measure of a Man: Becoming the Father You Wish Your Father Had Been (1993; 1995)

• Becoming a Father (with Drs. Michael Diamond, Martin Greenberg - Eds. 1995; 1998)

• A Father’s Declaration (Poster) 1997