The Last Word™

Issue #492 September 2015

Our Annual Back-to-School Issue!How cool people roadtrip at Isle Royale

How do cool people like us roadtrip at Isle Royale National Park in Michigan? We don’t. That’s becauseIsle Royale has no roads!

But we coolsters do roadtrip to and from Isle Royale, and that’s exactly what we did from August 26 to30! Celebrity look-alikes were seen, soil was smelt, and fun was had, and it all began that Wednesday as webipped northwest. A Chili’s in Greensburg, Indiana, had pee on the floor in the restroom. A disappointingly smallamount, to be sure, but it was there.

Thursday was better. A rest stop near Minong, Wisconsin, not only had urine on the floor, but someonehad put a reusable (possibly souvenir) drinking cup from a fast food restaurant in the toilet. A disappointinglysmall plopping, to be sure, but it was there. Here’s a photo of a funny sign inside the stall...

Don’t put anything in the toilet except toilet paper? What about...poop?! Since the sign said not to putthings other than toilet paper down the toilet, maybe they meant for feces to go on the toilet or to magically hoverabove the toilet in midair. Notice also that the sign warned people to take their garbage with them instead of

plopping it. However, rest stops in Wisconsin do not have garbage cans, after Tommy Thompson inexplicablyremoved them. So, sorry Tommy, there’s gonna be ploppings.

Friday was a downright spectacle, since that’s when we visited Isle Royale. The park is a wildernessaccessible only by boat. On the boat over there, we saw some guy who strongly resembled James Stockdale, afamous naval officer who became Ross Perot’s running mate. There was another celebrity look-alike at the parkitself: One of the rangers there resembled Sarah Silverman.

After leaving Isle Royale, we lodged at a motel in Eagan, Minnesota. It was quite entertaining, as thetoilet there was clogged the whole time. The Gerber didn’t gerb! (This was the same town where a guy cloggedthe entire sewer system by flushing nails down toilets at transit stations and restaurants.) The following morning, Iwitnessed a parsimonious oaf stealing bananas from the breakfast room. He hoarded bananas by stuffing theminto his pants pockets as he loitered outside the hotel. You can’t do that—because it ain’t a store! (That’s an insidejoke. I spent big money just to hear that joke, and dammit, I’m gonna use it!)

At lunch on Saturday, one of our crew swallowed a tine from a plastic fork at a Culver’s in Hiawatha,Iowa. Later, at a Pilot station in Walcott, Iowa, the bathroom smelled so thoroughly of dookie-stinks that Icouldn’t stand to be in there very long. Also, I noticed someone wrote “FUCK OBAMA” on the wall. At dinner ata Smokey Bones restaurant in Springfield, Illinois, I saw someone who strongly resembled actor-turned-congressman Ben Jones, best known as Cooter on The Dukes Of Hazzard.

Sunday was almost a ruin, courtesy of a sinus infection—though this affliction was flushed away by aspicy lunch. I got home that evening, and the sinus infection returned the following day, because of course it did.

So that’s the story of the Isle Royale trip we paid for.

Not-so-instant karma’s gonna get you...

Not-so-instant karma’s gonna get you. It’s gonna bean you right on your pointy noggin!And it got a former neighbor of mine. I know I’ve mentioned in either these pages or in one of my books

that I had a neighbor about 8 years ago who was linked with the destructment of my lawn chair that I kept on thefront porch. Either she completely smashed my lawn chair for no apparent reason, or her boyfriend whofrequently visited did it. She is still the worst neighbor I’ve had in the 18 years I’ve lived in this apartment. Anasty, nasty individual through and through. She was the type who’d start trouble just for its own sake.

Guess what? A few days ago, I was on Facebook, and I stumbled upon a whine she posted on a localFacepoo group. According to her, someone stole the pillows for her porch chairs at the house where she lives now.

One, two, three: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!

Farts elicit funny sayings

Since this is our annual Back-to-School ish, it’s time once again to discuss that tinpot dictatorship knownas Bishop Brossart High School.

When I attended school there, the place was becoming an opium den. People like to complain on theInternet about their high school because “kids burn trash cans in the bathroom”, but that was the least ofBrossart’s problems.

And people farted. A lot.Around that time, there was a radio commercial for Jerry’s restaurants in which a man declared that in his

day, “Momma cooked up a storm.” Then, one day insophomore English class, someone kept loudly passing gas.In response to these hilarious bunker blasts, a student raisedhis hand and said to the teacher, “He’s back here fartin’ up astorm!” I burst out laughing at this Jerry’s-derived expression.It wasn’t every day you heard flatulence described in such afolksy, down-home way.

The Jerry’s commercial was the same one where theman sang, “Please don’t take my Jerry’s sandwich away.” Ialways thought that line was uproarious, for it evoked animage of a big, burly man getting his sandwich taken away byhis mommy because he played with his food at the dinnertable.

That wasn’t the only time people released air biscuitsat Bro$$art. Imagine that! One day, a male student cracked aloud trouser sneeze in class. Then a girl in our class warned

him, “You’re gonna ruin your butthole.”It’s actually unlikely that excessive backdoor breezes would result in a ruined butthole. Ruined butthole is

not a condition that has many references in medical journals.It sounds like something Ted Nugent would have made up toavoid getting drafted.

Brossart. Where it pays to goof off!

Someone put fake poop on ateacher’s chair

Someone put a fake piece of shit on my homeroomteacher’s chair in 8th grade. It was funny.

One day we had recess indoors because the weatherwas bad as usual. The homeroom teacher was a somewhatportly, balding, middle-aged dude. Much mischief was to behad. That meant the usual breaking stuff.

But one of my school pals had a little surprise up hissleeve. He had brung in a pile of plastic feces. It looked likethe real thing. It was many shades of brown and looked sothick and creamy that you could dig into it with a spoon. (Butyou wouldn’t want to!)

He kept boasting that he was going to put it on theteacher’s chair. Finally, he stopped talking and took action!

When nobody was looking, he grabbed the fake shit, placed it on the teacher’s chair, and slid the chair back underthe teacher’s desk where it belonged.

The suspense was starting to mount! How will the teacher react when he sees his seat poopified?A few minutes later, the teacher arrived back in the classroom. The student was standing next to the

instructor’s desk to see the big show.But it was a letdown. The teacher seemed to know something was amiss. He simply pulled his chair out

from under his desk, pointed at the false grogan, and—in a frustrated tone—asked the student, “What the hell isthis?”

Gee, it looks like a fake turd to me!The fake piece of shit will live forever.

Campbell County has a bubble gum bandit

Only a few small houses away from my digs rests the Family Dollar store in Dayton, Kentucky.A strange thing, that Family Dollar is. I’m no Family Dullard fan, but this chain of stores is everywhere.

There seems to be a Family Dollar on every street corner in the area. But in my opinion, this store chain can crapits pants.

Anystink, a few days ago, I happenedupon the Facebook page for the Dayton PoliceDepartment. The cops were asking for the people’shelp in identifying a male who was stealinggumball machines from stores throughoutCampbell County—including but not limited tothe Dayton Family Dollar.

In Campbell County, we have 4 foodgroups: Bubble Yum, Bubblicious, DubbleBubble, and Bazooka. Still, that guy seemed tolove bubble gum a great deal more than theaverage local resident. Probably even bubbled!

People wondered in public how he couldhave kept walking out of stores carrying gumballmachines without being noticed—unless heconcealed the gumball machines under a cloak ofinvisibility. Like they regularly do in Dungeons &Dragons.

Police later said he was identified. He was probably seen blowing a huge bubble, and that’s probably howthey caught him.

The funniest part about this? The judge is probably gonna say “bubble gum.”

The next issue of this electrifying publication will be dated November. It’s free like pee, so dealwith it.

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