C H A P T E R 1

When Mummy died

Once% upon% a% time% there% was% a% little%

house,% where% the% Smith% family% lived.%

There%were%four%people%in%the%family:%

Andy,% Liz% and% their% two% children,%

Laura%and%Ned.%

They%did%all%the%things%that%families%

do.%Daddy%and%Mummy%went%to%work,%the%

children% played% with% their% friends.%

They% liked% to% visit% Granny% and%

Grandpa,%and%they%loved%going%camping.%

Then%one%day,%when%Laura%was%nine%and%

a% half% and% Ned% was% just% four,% Daddy%

said,%“Mummy%has%gone%to%the%hospital%

because%she%is%very,%very%ill.”

1

The$ages$of$the$

children$in$this$

story$encompass$two$

stages$of$childhood:$

Ned$represents$the$

innocent$younger$

child$who$may$ask$

the$direct$hurtful$

question,$but$who$

needs$equally$direct$

answers.$

Laura$represents$the$

older$child$who$may$

be$forced$to$suborn$

his/her$own$feelings$

to$the$remaining$

parent,$in$order$to$

preserve$the$

integrity$of$the$

family$unit.$$

There$is$a$danger$

that$the$oldest$

child$in$the$family,$

if$a$girl,$can$begin$

to$take$the$place$of$

the$lost$mother.This$

story$attempts$to$

show$a$family$where$

this$does$not$

happen.$Both$

children$are$allowed$

their$childhood.

Mummy% was% ill% for% a% long%

time,%and%Ned%and%Laura%missed%

her%very%much.%Sometimes%Daddy%

looked%so%sad%that%Laura%gave%

him% a% special% hug% to% make% it%

better.% Sometimes% the% house%

was% so% quiet% that% Ned% played%

motorbikes% all% over% the% place%

and%made%lots%of%noise.

Ned% asked,% “Can% we% go% and%

see%Mummy%in%the%hospital?”

Daddy%looked%very%sorry%when%

he% said,% “No,% I’m% afraid% you%

can’t,% because% Mummy% is% so%

ill”.

Every% day% Laura% and% Ned%

looked% at% Mummy’s% photograph%

and% longed% for% her% to% come%

back%to%them.

The% next% day% was% the% beginO

ning% of% the% sad% time.% Granny%

and% Grandpa% came% to% stay% and%

Daddy% stayed% at% the% hospital%

all%day%and%all%night.%

Then%one%day%Daddy%came%home%

2

A$long$period$of$

hospitalisation$is$a$

hard$time,$and$

children$are$often$

kept$way.$In$this$

case$the$mother$was$

in$intensive$care,$

and$visitors$C$even$

children$C$were$not$

allowed.$

In$this$case$the$

children$were$denied$

the$chance$to$say$

goodbye,$which$

proves$important$

later$in$this$story.

The$father$gives$the$

children$the$whole$

truth,$without$any$

embroidery$to$

confuse$them.$

The$public$sharing$

of$tears$at$this$

stage$helps$the$

children$to$see$that$

the$open$sharing$of$

tears$is$acceptable.$

These$children$will$

not$be$forced$to$

grieve$in$private,$

feeling$guilty$for$

showing$their$true$

feelings$to$others.$

and%said%Mummy%had%died%and%would%not%

be%coming%home%any%more.%

Then% everyone% cried% a% lot% and%

people%were%very%silent%and%sad.

Laura%said%she%had%a%tummy%pain%and%

didn’t%want%her%dinner%because%Mummy%

wasn’t% there.% Ned% said% he% felt% sick%

and%wouldn’t%eat%because%Mummy%wasn’t%

there.% Daddy% gave% them% a% hug% but%

still% Mummy% wasn’t% there.% Grandpa%

took%them%to%the%park%but%they%didn’t%

want% to% play% because% Mummy% wasn’t%

there.

%

3

The$refusal$of$food$

is$a$common$first$

sign$of$pining$for$

their$mother,$as$

food$has$a$strong$

association$with$

her.

C H A P T E R 2

The halo

%Every% night% they% went% into% the%

bedroom%and%looked%at%the%picture%of%

Mummy% in% her% white% veil% and% Daddy%

looking% so% happy.% They% knew% that%

Mummy%wasn’t%there%any%more%but%when%

they% looked% at% it,% the% photograph%

seemed% to% glow% with% a% special%

brightness.%

Then% they% went% to% the% church% for%

the% funeral,% and% everyone% wore% black%

clothes%and%there%was%the%coffin%and%

lots%of%flowers.%They%all%went%to%the%

cemetery% and% the% priest% said% prayers%

and%everyone%cried.%

“I% don’t% want% Mummy% to% be% in% that%

hole!”%said%Ned.%

4

Ned$does$come$to$the$

funeral:$it$would$

have$been$a$mistake$

to$keep$him$away.$In$

his$youthful$

innocence$he$does$

not$realise$the$

nature$of$death.$

As$we$shall$see,$his$

father$does$not$

avoid$the$truth$

about$the$body$of$

his$wife$and$their$

mother.$

$

“Don’t%worry%Ned,%it’s%only%Mummy’s%

body.% Her% spirit% is% still% with% us,”%

said%Daddy.%

Laura% thought% for% a% long% time% and%

then% she% said:% “Can% we% see% Mummy’s%

spirit?”%

This% time% Daddy% was% quiet% for% a%

little% while,% as% if% he% was% thinking%

of%something%important.%Then%he%said:%

“Maybe%if%we%go%into%Mummy’s%room%and%

think%very%hard%about%Mummy,%we%just%

might.”

Then% he% couldn’t% say% any% more%

because%it%made%him%cry.%Laura%cried%

too.%Ned%cuddled%up%close,%because%he%

didn’t% understand.% That% evening% they%

went% into% the% bedroom% and% looked% at%

the% photo% and% thought% and% thought%

about%Mummy.

The% photo% was% very% bright% and% the%

veil%was%very%white,%and%Ned%said:%“I%

can%see%it!%I%can%see%Mummy’s%halo!”

This%made%Daddy%smile%a%little%and%

he% gave% Ned% a% big% hug.% He% said:% “Of%

course% Mummy% has% a% halo!% She% was% so%

5

The$reference$to$the$

spirit$is$designed$

to$appeal$to$readers$

who$grasp$the$

spiritual$side$of$

death.$

Even$if$there$are$

readers$who$do$not$

accept$this,$the$

following$story$can$

still$be$meaningful,$

for$there$are$

intangible$remains$

of$this$woman:C$ie.$

love$and$memories.

The$first$reference$

to$the$“halo.”$This$

concept$means$

something$different$

to$each$member$of$

the$family.$

Ned$provides$the$

idea,$and$his$need$

to$“see”$the$halo$is$

fuelled$by$a$need$to$

find$something$real$

to$hold$on$to$in$the$

midst$of$so$many$

mysteries.$

As$their$father$

recognises,$the$halo$

stands$for$something$

very$real$for$his$

children.The$idea$

delights$him$and$he$

readily$accepts$that$

this$is$what$his$

children$want$to$

believe.$$$

special% and% we% loved% her% so% much,%

why%shouldn’t%she%have%a%halo!”

Sure% enough,% when% they% looked% at%

the% picture,% there% was% the% halo.% It%

shimmered%and%moved%in%the%darkness.%

It% was% made% of% love% and% light% and%

memories.

That%was%the%beginning%of%the%dark%

time.% It% was% winter% time% and% it%

always% seemed% to% be% dark.% Every% day%

they% went% to% look% at% the% halo,% but%

Laura% thought% that% Daddy% didn’t% see%

it% as% well% as% they% did.% There% were%

even%some%days%when%Laura%had%to%try%

really%hard%to%see%it,%but%when%Ned%

said,% “There% it% is!% I% can% see% it!”%

it% seemed% to% come% back% again,% glowO

ing%in%the%darkness.

Sometimes% Laura% missed% Mummy% so%

much% it% was% like% a% tummy% ache% that%

wouldn’t% go% away.% Daddy% didn’t% cry%

so%much%any%more.%He%was%always%busy%

with%the%washing%and%making%meals.%

Laura% and% Ned% tried% to% help,% but%

often% Daddy% pushed% them% away.% Laura%

6

$$$

$$The$rest$of$this$

story$is$written$

mainly$from$Laura’s$

point$of$view.$

This$is$the$writer’s$

attempt$to$draw$out$

of$the$emotional$conC

fusion$in$this$

family$some$sense$of$

a$recovery$process.$

The$initial$psychoC

logical$and$physical$

adjustments$to$the$

loss$require$more$

emotional$energy$

than$anyone$can$

provide.$There$is$a$

loss$of$faith$when$

the$halo$dims.$

The$children$choose$

not$to$speak$to$

their$father$about$

their$feelings$in$

order$to$save$his.

$The$danger$here$is$

that$this$pattern$$

of$deliberate$

emotional$restraint$

will$be$perceived$$

as$bravery,$and$will$

persist$for$many$

months,$or$even$

years.

asked%Ned%if%he%had%a%tummy%ache%too.%

He% said% he% did% but% they% thought% it%

would% be% better% not% to% tell% Daddy,%

because%he%seemed%to%just%want%to%be%

quiet.

At% school% Laura% told% Mrs% Evans%

about% the% tummy% ache,% and% Mrs% Evans%

was%very%kind.%She%gave%Laura%a%hug.%

They%went%into%the%staff%room%and%Mrs%

Evans% made% Laura% some% hot% chocolate.%

They% sat% there% quietly% for% a% while.%

Then% Mrs% Evans% asked% Laura% if% she%

would%like%the%class%to%know%why%she%

was%very%sad.%%

Laura% felt% a% bit% funny% about% this,%

but%she%said%she%didn’t%mind.%So%Mrs%

Evans% told% the% class% how% Laura% was%

feeling,%and%everyone%cried,%even%Mrs%

Evans.% They% all% drew% a% picture% of%

what% they% felt% like.% Laura% tried% to%

draw% the% halo,% but% it% kept% going%

wrong.% She% screwed% up% the% paper% and%

threw%it%away.%

When% she% got% home% she% was% really%

cross% with% Ned% and% made% him% cry.% Of%

course% he% went% to% Daddy.% Daddy% got%

7

$$

When$grieving$$

children$feel$that$

they$cannot$speak$

about$their$feelings$

to$the$remaining$

parent,$they$may$

approach$a$teacher$

or$other$carer.$This$

requires$sensitive$

handling.$However$

motherly$the$teacher$

may$be,$she$can$

never$replace$the$

lost$mother.

$Laura’s$feelings$

are$acknowledged$and$

respected.$She$is$

not$held$up$to$the$

class$as$a$figure$of$

tragedy$who$they$

must$“be$nice$to”.$

Her$permission$is$

sought$to$mention$it$

to$the$others.The$

subsequent$exercise$

enables$her$to$get$

in$touch$with$some$

feelings$of$anger.$

She$takes$this$

feeling$home$with$

her$and$expresses$

herself$aggresC

sively.$She$is$

punished,$but$not$

too$severely.

If$she$remained$

unpunished$at$this$

point,$Ned$would$

have$seen$it$as$

unfair$and$this$

would$cause$

resentment.

cross%too%so%Laura%had%to%go%to%bed.%

She%just%lay%there%for%ages,%wishing%

and% wishing% that% Mummy% would% come%

back.%

Paula% came% in% every% evening% after%

school% to% be% with% them,% but% they%

didn’t% want% to% play% their% usual%

games.% Laura% didn’t% even% like%

watching%TV%any%more.%She%didn’t%want%

to%say%very%much.%She%just%looked%out%

of%the%window%and%wished%and%wished.

Each%day%after%school%Ned%wanted%to%

be%the%baby,%but%Laura%didn’t%want%to%

play% that% game.% She% played% doctors%

and%nurses%and%she%made%pretend%mediO

cines% for% Paula% and% Ned% so% they%

wouldn’t%be%ill%and%wouldn’t%have%to%

go% to% hospital.% Ned% didn’t% take% his%

medicine% so% she% hit% him% hard.% Paula%

was%very%cross%with%her%and%Laura%had%

to%go%to%bed%early%that%night%too.%

Then% one% night% Laura% had% a% dream%

that% made% her% very% worried.% She%

dreamed% that% the% halo% was% lonely%

there%in%the%room.%She%knew%that%the%

halo% didn’t% belong% there,% locked% in%

8

Normal$life$is$only$

attempted.$Normal$

play$is$impossible.$

A$morbid$interest$in$

illness$and$death$is$

common$among$

bereaved$children.

Playing$the$nurse$

and$the$giving$of$

medicine$may$be$

Laura’s$way$of$

expressing$her$fears$

that$the$others$in$

the$family$may$die$

too.$

The$way$children$

play$at$this$point$

needs$to$be$observed$

carefully,$for$they$

may$play$out$what$

they$can’t$feel$or$

say.$Eg.$Laura$may$

be$angry$at$her$

mother$for$not$

taking$her$medicine.$

Laura’s$dream$is$the$

first$sign$of$a$new$

development:$the$

halo$is$no$longer$

sufficient$to$conC

tain$the$children’s$

feelings$of$grief$

and$loss.

$$

the% room% O% that% it% was% time% to% open%

the%window%and%let%it%go.%

At%breakfast%time%she%said:%“Daddy,%

I%think%the%halo%is%lonely.”%

Daddy% looked% at% her% with% a% long,%

puzzled% look.% “Why% do% you% think%

that?”

Laura% didn’t% know.% “I% just% had% a%

dream%about%it.”%

Laura% knew% how% much% Daddy% and% Ned%

wanted% the% halo% to% stay% there% and%

comfort% them.% She% tried% to% forget%

about% the% dream,% but% every% evening%

they% went% into% the% room.% She% tried%

and% tried,% but% the% halo% was% fading.%

It% seemed% to% be% so% lost% and% alone%

there,%trapped%in%the%room.%

She% wondered% every% day% what% would%

happen% if% she% opened% the% window% and%

let% it% go.% She% even% crept% into% the%

room% one% morning% when% no% one% was%

around,% and% was% just% going% to% open%

the% window% when% she% heard% Daddy’s%

footsteps%on%the%stairs.%She%ran%out%

again.%

9

$$Laura$is$able$to$

begin$to$speak$to$

her$father$about$her$

feelings$through$the$

medium$of$the$halo.

$By$now$this$is$a$

regular$family$

ritual,$a$way$of$

keeping$Mummy$with$

them.$The$halo$

concept$is$beginning$

to$wear$thin$for$

Laura.$

It$can$happen$that$

rituals$set$up$

initially$to$cope$

with$the$shock$and$

numbness$of$

disbelief$may$ossify$

and$become$

meaningless.$

Unless$this$is$

discussed$openly$the$

ritual$may$continue$

indefinitely.$In$

this$case$Laura’s$

first$attempt$to$disC

cuss$it$is$cut$short$

by$her$concern$for$

the$needs$of$the$

rest$of$the$family.

However,$she$

remains$

secretly$uneasy$

about$the$halo$

being$trapped.

C H A P T E R 3

The special goodbye

Gradually,%the%weather%got%warmer%and%

the%sun%shone%a%little%more.%Ned%and%

Laura% both% had% new% bikes% and% they%

spent% a% long% time% riding% around% the%

paths.% The% days% got% lighter% and%

lighter% until% one% evening% when% they%

went%into%the%room%it%was%almost%too%

light% to% see% the% halo.% Laura% wanted%

so%much%to%set%the%halo%free.

“The%sun%is%stealing%the%light%from%

the%halo,”%said%Ned%one%day.

%Laura%had%an%idea.%“Maybe%the%halo%

10

In$this$new$warmth,$

the$support$of$the$

halo$is$not$needed$

so$much.$

When$Ned$seems$to$be$

changing$his$mind$

about$it,$Laura$

jumps$in$quickly$

with$a$suggestion.$

$

.

is% made% out% of% sunshine,”% she% said,%

and% it% needs% to% be% outside% in% the%

sun.”

% Daddy% didn’t% seem% to% understand%

how% lonely% the% halo% was.% He% just%

said,%in%a%soft%voice,%“Mummy’s%halo%

is%made%of%love%and%light.%It%is%made%

of%our%love%for%her%and%her%love%for%

us.”%

Then% he% cried% into% his% hands% with%

big% deep% sobs.% Laura% and% Ned% were%

frightened% because% they% had% never%

heard% Daddy% cry% like% that% before.%

Laura% knew% that% Daddy% badly% needed%

the% halo% to% stay% with% them.% She%

couldn’t% let% it% fly% away% because% he%

would% be% so% lost% without% it% to%

comfort%him.%

They% both% hugged% him% until% they%

were%sure%he%was%OK.%The%next%day%he%

seemed% better% and% he% even% smiled% a%

bit% more.% Laura% thought% that% maybe%

something% good% had% happened% to% him,%

but% she% didn’t% quite% know% what% it%

was.

11

Then$however,$we$see$

that$the$father,$who$

has$been$holding$his$

own$for$a$long$time$

without$support,$has$

come$to$rely$on$this$

ritual$more$than$the$

children.$

For$him$the$halo$now$

has$a$new$reality$–$

it$is$$a$sign$of$the$

loving$relationship$

with$his$wife$that$

he$does$not$want$to$

end.$

By$speaking$of$his$

love$and$realising$

the$extent$of$his$

need,$he$makes$a$

step$forward$in$

integrating$this$

loss$into$his$life.$

So% Laura% decided% that% the% lonely,%

pale% little% halo% must% stay% in% the%

room%after%all.%Daddy%needed%it,%Ned%

needed% it% and% perhaps% she% did% too.%

After% all,% when% she% looked% at% the%

photo% the% ache% inside% went% away% a%

little.%

Then,%as%time%went%by,%Laura%began%

to%realise%that%Daddy%wanted%to%tell%

them% something.% Each% time% they% went%

into% the% bedroom% he% looked% as% if% he%

wanted% to% speak,% but% he% seemed% to%

change% his% mind% at% the% last% minute.%

It% went% on% like% that% until% one% warm%

evening,% when% Ned% happened% to% say,%

“We% mustn’t% open% the% window% Daddy%

must%we?”%

Daddy%sat%down%on%the%bed%and%took%

Ned% onto% his% knee.% “Well,”% Ned% went%

on,% “if% we% do,% the% halo% will% fly%

away.”

Daddy% just% looked% away% and% said%

nothing.% Then% Laura% decided% to% say%

what% she% had% been% thinking% for% so%

long.% “Maybe% the% halo% is% lonely% and%

wants% to% fly% away% back% to% the% sun,”%

12

Andy’s$sudden$

vulnerability$

momentarily$disturbs$

the$children,$but$

they$only$want$to$

comfort$him,$not$to$

be$comforted$

themselves.$

They$are$an$

important$source$of$

comfort$for$their$

father$and$are$

allowed$to$be$so.

Seeing$her$father’s$

need,$Laura$decides$

they$must$hold$onto$

the$old$ritual.$She$

recognises$her$own$

need$for$it$too.

The$whole$family$is$

beginning$to$realise$

that$the$time$has$

come$for$a$change.

$$$$

she% said.% “Shall% we% open% the% window%

now,%Daddy?”%

Daddy% thought% and% said.% “Let’s%

wait,%just%a%bit%longer,%until%we%are%

quite%ready.%Then%when%we%are%really%

ready,%we%will%open%the%window.”

Many%days%went%by.%Each%day%it%just%

didn’t% seem% to% be% the% right% day% for%

opening%the%window.%

Then% one% day% Ned% peeped% into% the%

room% in% the% morning,% and% the% window%

was%open!%

“Daddy!% Daddy!% The% window% is% open!%

Mummy’s%halo%has%flown%away!”

Daddy% looked% a% bit% annoyed.% “I%

think%Paula%must%have%opened%it,%she%

doesn’t%know%about%the%halo.”%Then%he%

said,% “Never% mind,% this% evening% we%

can% go% and% say% goodnight% just% the%

same.”

That% evening% they% went% into% the%

room.% Ned% cried% out:% “The% halo% is%

still%there!%I%can%see%it!”%%

“No,% you% can’t,”% said% Laura,%

13

It$is$Ned’s$innocent$

directness$that$

provides$the$

opening.$

Very$young$children$

are$often$a$vehicle$

to$open$expression$

of$feeling.$They$

have$fewer$

inhibitions$about$

speaking$out.$This$

can$be$welcomed$and$

used.$

The$father$

recognises$that$to$

relinquish$this$

support$will$be$

difficult$and$must$

not$be$done$hastily.$$

firmly.%“It%has%flown%away%now.”%%

They%all%stood%there%for%a%moment.%

Laura% wondered% what% they% would% do%

now.% Then% Daddy% said:% “Let’s% say%

goodnight% to% the% halo% out% of% the%

window,%shall%we?”

They% all% looked% out.% There% were%

lots%of%stars.%Ned%looked%up%into%the%

dark%sky.%“Is%the%halo%in%the%stars?%

“%he%asked.%Laura%wanted%so%much%for%

the% halo% to% be% still% out% there,%

somewhere.% “I% think% it% is,”% said%

Laura.%But%Daddy%said%nothing.

So%the%next%evening,%when%they%went%

into% the% room% to% say% goodnight% to%

Mummy% in% the% photo,% Laura% and% Ned%

went% to% the% window% to% look% out% and%

see%the%stars.%

Ned% looked% and% looked% for% a% long%

time.%Then%he%said%in%a%little%voice,%

“I%want%Mummy,%and%my%tummy%hurts.”

%“So%do%I,”%said%Laura.%Daddy%just%

hugged%them%and%said%nothing.%

% “I% want% the% halo% to% come% back,”%

said%Ned,%but%the%halo%had%gone.

14

However$cautious$the$

surviving$parent$may$

be,$outsiders$with$

the$best$of$

intentions$may$

trample$on$feelings.$$

In$this$case$the$

father$recognises$

the$attachment$to$

the$ritual$and$

allows$space$for$

goodCbyes.$This$may$

require$some$quick$

thinking.$

Mourning$is$all$

about$goodbye,$and$

whatever$else$may$be$

lost$subsequently$

will$have$attached$

to$it$extra$feelings$

of$loss.$

Anything$lost$that$

can$be$mourned$

properly,$be$it$a$

lost$bicycle$or$a$

figment$of$a$young$

child’s$imagination,$

will$provide$a$

vehicle$for$feelings$

about$the$lost$

parent.$

Laura$wanted$the$

halo$to$be$set$free,$

but$after$all$she$

cannot$bear$the$

thought$of$it$being$

not$there.

That%was%the%beginning%of%the%empty%

time.% Laura’s% tummy% ache% was% there%

every%day,%but%she%had%forgotten%what%

it%was%like%not%to%have%it.%When%Mrs%

Evans%asked%her%how%she%was,%she%just%

said%she%was%alright.%She%didn’t%want%

to%talk%about%Mummy%any%more.

She% just% wished% Mummy% hadn’t% died%

and% left% them% all% alone.% She% didn’t%

like% Daddy’s% cooking,% and% she% hated%

having% to% do% the% washing% up% all% the%

time.%The%house%just%didn’t%seem%like%

home% any% more.% The% photo% was% just% a%

photo,% not% Mummy,% with% her% funny%

laugh%and%nice%smell.

Laura% wanted% to% smell% Mummy’s%

smell.% She% went% to% the% chest% of%

drawers.%There%were%some%of%the%nice%

soft%scarves%Mummy%used%to%wear.%They%

smelled% just% like% Mummy.% So% Laura%

gave% one% to% Ned% to% smell% too.% He%

liked%it%and%took%it%everywhere%with%

him.% % Sometimes% Laura% just% liked% to%

put% her% face% in% the% drawer% and%

breathe% in% all% the% wonderful% smell,%

but%it%made%the%tummy%ache%come%back.

15

The$loss$of$the$

ritual$triggers$the$

first$feelings$of$

genuine$loss$to$

these$children.

$Their$yearning$for$

their$mother$is$

their$feeling$and$

there$is$nothing$

their$father$can$do$

except$be$there$and$

hug$them$when$they$

need$it.

He$does$not$attempt$

to$try$and$make$it$

better.$

There$is,$after$all,$

nothing$he$can$do$to$

achieve$this$in$any$

case.$

They$face$the$fact$

that$the$halo$is$

gone,$which$takes$

them$a$step$nearer$

to$acknowledging$

their$own$loss.

% Laura% began% to% feel% a% funny,%

uneasy%feeling%as%if%she%wanted%to%do%

something,%but%she%didn’t%know%what.%

It% felt% as% if% the% halo% was% still%

there,%asking%to%be%let%out.%

One% night% she% dreamed% about% the%

halo,%trapped%inside%the%room.%In%her%

dream% she% tried% to% open% the% window,%

but% it% was% locked.% When% she% woke% up%

and% went% into% the% bedroom% in% the%

morning,%the%window%was%open.%The%curO

tains% were% waving% in% the% breeze.%

There%was%no%halo%there.%

Downstairs%in%the%kitchen%she%said%

to%Daddy,%“I%wish%Paula%hadn’t%opened%

the%window.”

Daddy% looked% puzzled.% He% didn’t%

seem%to%understand,%so%Laura%said,%“I%

wish%we%had%opened%the%window%to%let%

the% halo% out,% when% we% were% quite%

ready.”

Daddy% sat% down% with% the% tea% towel%

on%his%lap.

Ned%said:%“I%want%the%halo%back.”

16

Feelings$of$

emptiness$come$after$

loss$is$

acknowledged.$There$

is$a$trace$of$

Laura’s$anger$with$

her$mother$here,$as$

expressed$through$

her$rejection$of$the$

things$linked$with$

her:C$food,$photos,$

home$and$clothes.$

Her$feelings$can$be$

accepted$as$long$as$

they$are$expressed$

in$appropriate$ways.$$

A$sullen$silence,$

lack$of$coCoperation$

and$a$lack$of$appeC

tite$may$indicate$

this$stage.$$Under$

the$anger$lies$the$

deep$longing,$and$

the$craving$for$some$

physical$contact.$

Clothing$is$a$

wonderful$memoryC$

jogger,$and$should$

not$be$disposed$of$

too$soon,$but$made$

available$to$the$

children$and$above$

all,$not$washed.$

Daddy% put% his% hand% on% Ned’s%

shoulder%and%thought%for%a%bit.

“We% ought% to% have% done% that,%

shouldn’t%we?%When%we%were%ready,%at%

just%the%right%time.”

“But% we% didn’t,% did% we?”% said%

Laura.% “I% want…….”% But% she% didn’t%

know%what%she%wanted.%

“Let% me% think% about% it,”% said%

Daddy.% “I’m% sure% there% is% something%

we%can%do.%It’s%about%saying%goodbye,%

isn't%it?“%Tears%came%up%in%his%eyes%

but%he%wiped%them%away.

Over% the% next% few% days% Daddy% was%

making%lots%of%phone%calls.%He%seemed%

to% be% organising% something,% but% he%

wouldn’t%say%what%it%was.%

Then%one%day%he%said:%“It%is%almost%

a% year% since% Mummy% died,% and% we% are%

going%to%make%a%special%goodbye,%all%

of%our%own.”

The%special%goodbye%was%going%to%be%

on% the% next% Tuesday,% and% there% were%

lots%of%things%to%do%to%get%ready.%

17

New$stages$of$

grieving$may$be$

first$perceived$as$

vague$feelings$of$

unease,$and$a$desire$

for$some$kind$of$

change.$This$may$be$

reflected$in$dreams$

that$children$may$

speak$about.$

This$is$another$way$

of$knowing$what$is$

going$on$in$their$

minds.$Here$Laura$is$

asking$indirectly$

for$a$ritual$of$

letting$go.

She$is$using$the$

halo’s$precipitate$

“departure”$as$a$

metaphor$for$her$

mother’s$sudden$and$

premature$death.

This$father$manages$

to$listen$to$his$

children$and$their$

needs.$He$does$not$

let$the$fact$that$he$

must$run$the$house$

to$distract$him$from$

what$is$most$

important.$The$

primary$aim$at$this$

time$must$to$contain$

and$integrate$this$

loss.$

The$loss$of$a$parent$

in$early$life$is$one$

of$the$most$damaging$

events$any$person$

can$experience.

First% of% all% they% had% to% choose%

something% that% reminded% them% of%

Mummy.

Ned%went%into%the%bedroom%and%took%

the% special% photo% of% Mummy% in% the%

white% dress% with% Daddy% smiling,% and%

that%was%his%choice.

Laura%went%to%the%chest%of%drawers%

and% pulled% out% a% big% scarf% on% gold%

and%blue%that%smelled%of%her%perfume,%

and%that%was%her%choice.%

Daddy%went%to%the%desk,%and%found%a%

letter%in%Mummy’s%big%curly%writing,%

and%that%was%his%choice.%

“Now% we% can% each% make% something,”%

said%Daddy.%

“Shall% we% make% a% picture?”% asked%

Ned,%and%Laura%knew%just%what%she%had%

to%do.%

“I%am%going%to%draw%Mummy’s%halo.”%

Ned% wanted% to% do% that% too,% so% they%

made% it% together.% They% coloured% it%

yellow% and% stuck% silver% paper% all%

over%it%until%it%glittered.%

18

The$change$in$

atmosphere$is$at$

once$apparent.$The$

family$becomes$

active$and$focussed.$

The$joint$creation$

of$a$public$ritual$

of$mourning$with$

full$participation$

of$all$parties$

involved$will$help$

integrate$this$loss$

into$their$lives.$

Objects$provide$a$

focus$for$feelings$

and$are$very$

important$and$

meaningful.$

They$also$can$

symbolise$aspects$of$

the$character$of$the$

deceased$person.

Here$is$a$different$

kind$of$halo.$It$is$

a$pale$imitation$of$

the$one$they$lost,$

but$it$is$their$own$

creation.

It$is$a$tangible$

sign$of$the$ritual$

they$shared,$with$

all$its$attendant$

meanings.$$

It$can$be$a$true$

vehicle$for$their$

feelings$in$a$way$

that$the$original$

imagined$concept$of$

a$halo$of$light$

could$not$be

Daddy%was%pleased%with%it,%and%they%

put% it% on% the% side% with% the% other%

precious%things%until%it%was%time%to%

say%goodbye.

%The%next%night%Ned%woke%up%crying.%

“Mummy’s%in%the%hole!!”

Daddy%came%in%and%said:%“We%put%her%

body% in% the% hole,% but% she% doesn’t%

need% it% any% more.% Would% you% like% to%

go% and% see% the% grave?% Yes,% in% the%

morning%we%will%go%there.”

In% the% morning% they% went% to% the%

cemetery,% and% there% was% a% big% stone%

slab% with% some% writing% on% it.% Laura%

read%the%words%to%Ned.

“Elizabeth%Smith%O%that’s%Mummy”.

%Ned%asked%Daddy%all%about%the%man%

who%dug%the%hole,%and%the%coffin%and%

the%hearse.%Daddy%explained%all%about%

it..

When%they%got%home%Ned%drew%lots%of%

pictures% all% about% Mummy’s% funeral.%

Then%he%took%them%to%his%new%school.%

His%teachr%Mrs%Johnson%showed%them%to%

the%class.

19

Open$discussion$of$

the$special$service$

may$disturb$younger$

children.$If$there$

are$nightmares,$the$

parent$may$try$to$

soothe$and$distract$

their$child.$

This$father$adC

dresses$his$son’s$$

fear$

straightforwardly.$

His$lack$of$fear$

about$speaking$of$

these$things$is$far$

more$reassuring$than$

any$distraction$may$

have$been.$

The$family$goes$as$

soon$as$possible$to$

the$cemetery$to$

address$the$problem$

head$on.$

This$fearlessness$

enables$Ned$to$speak$

openly$at$his$new$

school.$His$teacher$

respects$his$need$to$

talk.$$

By$showing$the$picC

tures$to$the$class,$

this$teacher$has$

probably$enabled$

some$other$children$

to$face$some$fears$

about$funerals.$

They%all%talked%about%funerals.%Ned%

told%them%about%the%special%goodbye.%

Mrs% Johnson% said% she% would% come% and%

join%them%if%he%wanted.%Ned%said%that%

she%could%come.

Then% it% was% Tuesday% and% time% for%

the%special%goodbye.%

Laura%wore%her%new%blue%dress.%The%

house%was%full%of%people.%Grandma%and%

GrandOdad,%Mrs%Evans%and%Mrs%Johnson%

and% the% neighbours% and% Auntie% Jean%

all%came.%Then%they%all%went%to%the%

church% and% took% the% precious% things%

and% the% halo.% They% put% them% where%

everyone%could%see.%

They%lit%a%candle%for%Mummy%and%put%

it%there%too.

They% made% some% prayers% and% read%

some% poems.% Then% they% all% sang% some%

songs.% They% told% Mummy’s% story,% all%

about% when% she% went% to% school,% and%

worked% as% a% secretary% for% the%

builder’s% merchant,% and% of% course%

when% she% became% a% Mummy.% They% spoke%

about% her% funny% laugh% and% how% she%

20

The$term$“special$

goodbye”$is$meant$to$

imply$any$ritual$of$

mourning$and$letting$

go,$that$may$not$be$

churchCbased.$$

As$we$will$see,$the$

service$enables$the$

expression$of$

feelings,$but$the$

act$of$letting$go$is$

not$achieved$in$a$

service$of$this$

kind.$

Although$it$was$a$

sad$day,$there$were$

some$positive$

feelings$around$at$

last.$

loved%the%garden%and%going%camping.%

Laura% was% glad% they% were% doing%

this.%It%felt%right.%She%felt%really%

proud% that% she% had% a% Mummy% that%

everyone%loved%so%much.

%When%the%service%was%over%they%all%

came%home%for%a%special%tea.%Everyone%

seemed%to%be%laughing%as%much%as%they%

were%crying.%The%house%didn’t%seem%so%

empty%when%people%were%laughing.%

That% night,% Laura% lay% in% bed%

watching%the%light%shine%off%the%halo%

they%had%made.%She%had%an%idea.%

The% more% she% thought% about% it,% the%

better% it% seemed,% so% she% got% out% of%

bed% and% went% into% Daddy’s% room.% He%

was% on% the% bed,% hugging% the% special%

photo.%He%was%crying.%

Laura%went%and%sat%by%him%and%said%

nothing%for%a%long%time.%%

Then% she% said;% “Daddy,% I% know% what%

we%have%got%to%do%now.”

“What’s%that?”%asked%Daddy.

“Tomorrow,% please% may% we% go% to% the%

21

Despite$the$good$

things$in$the$

service,$there$is$

still$some$

unfinished$business.$

The$halo,$having$

been$a$symbol$of$

their$mother’s$love$

for$them$right$from$

the$early$days$of$

mourning,$is$the$

obvious$vehicle$for$

this.$$

Laura,$young$as$she$

is,$has$the$wisdom$

to$know$what$is$

right$for$her$and$

for$them$all.$

Young$children$and$

especially$young$

girls,$are$a$great$

deal$wiser$than$

their$parents$may$

realise.$

This$father$listens$

to$his$daughter$

regularly,$and$is$

rewarded$with$this$

very$clear$and$

sensible$idea.

cemetery%and%take%the%halo%there?”

Daddy% looked% at% her% with% a% long%

look.%“Is%that%what%you%want?”

“Yes.% It’s% time% to% say% goodbye% to%

the%halo%now.”

Very% early% the% next% morning,% when%

everything%was%quiet,%Laura%and%Daddy%

and%Ned%set%off%for%the%cemetery.

The% time% had% come% at% last,% and% it%

felt%like%the%right%thing%to%do.

% They% took% the% halo% in% the% car% to%

the%cemetery.%Laura%and%Ned%carried%it%

along% the% long% rows% of% slabs,% each%

with%a%name%on,%until%they%got%to%the%

one%that%said,%“Elizabeth%Smith.”%

There% they% placed% it% carefully,%

where% the% world% could% see% it.% It%

glittered%bravely%in%the%early%morning%

light.%

They% stood% there% for% a% while,% and%

then% turned% away.% They% walked% slowly%

back%to%the%car,%because%it%was%time%

to%go%to%school.

22

$This$is$a$private$

moment$for$the$

family,$without$

public$display,$but$

it$is$a$sign$to$the$

world$nonetheless$

that$it$is$time$to$

reunite$the$halo$and$

the$person$whose$

love$it$symbolises.

The$light$that$once$

was$comforting$and$

reassuring$is$now$

the$glitter$of$

silver$paper.$

The$children$are$

able$to$turn$away$

and$go$on$with$their$

lives,$taking$the$

love$and$memories$

away$with$them.

They$leave$the$halo$

behind,$because$it$

is$no$longer$needed.

C H A P T E R 4

Grief in families

More%books%by%Althea%Hayton

from%

Wren%Publications

23