The Merciad, April 3, 1986

8/6/2019 The Merciad, April 3, 1986

1/8

APRIL FOOL'S EDITION THURSDAY, APRIL 3,19

"Snookums JGarvey can'tislowdown....l..pg* 2Columpi^siaig4 by gymnastpg. 3Nuke the

bunny! pg. 4"On the ]Record"|..pg44Ask Bill, Will andPhil.&....i..pg. 5Something ISacred pg ! 6Armstrong takes

5charge.....pg. 6A day in|the lifeof M . . . lpg . 7New pool makesa splashLpg . 8

Scandal'rocks the campus l ifeIn a sudden and rather puzzling biz-zare turn of events, Academic Dean Dr.David Palmer resigned from Jthe col-lege. Palmer cited "personal reasons."However, in an exclusive interviewwith The Merciad, Assistant Editor Bet-sy L. Lantz, currently on a leave ofabsence from the college, detailed herplan to escape the hectic life of the ci-

The blushing bride, Betsy Lantz, proudlyshows oft her engagement cube. &ty and live happily ever after with theformer academic dean at her family'srolling dairy farm."It a ll started this fal l ," said Lantz, "I

Departed Dean David Palmerspent so much time with Davey doinginterviews 5 for the newspaper anddesigning my contract major. My editortol d me tha t Joining The Merciad was agreat way to meet men^and she wasrig ht From those formal meetings, therelationship blossomed."Sparkly-eyed David Palmer gushedhis feelings for his new found love,

"She's so smart. That Intimate dinnerfor the 4.0 students really set things inmotion." j ISSBSB C J H sHejrisked thejsecurity of a stablefamily life for his new lady friend. H$*

"We owe it all to M att Whelan, MVice-President," sighedlPalmerwas our little cupid. He managejuggle schedules for Betsy-poo aso we could get better acquaintedf'S

Since his resignation, David Palmer has had to resort to flipping burgers at the Comake ends meet."My editor foldme that joiningthe Merciad wasa great way tomeet men. . ."

Whelan humbly acknowledgedaccolade. "It was the least I coulfor Dave after all tho se grade dispthat he handled for me. And gBetsy's such a nice girl . She desethe best." !3j [ gF l t ; |Pat Weiser, secretary to forAcademic Dean Palmer admittedsuspicion in the whole matter.didn't seem right. She was takingfar too much of his time and attent

The "Men of The Merciad** rush to get acopy of this week's newspaper.

New Academic Dean Robert "BuGordon **I now know how she ma intained heQPA." She cont inued* 'When he gher t ha t * engage ment cubeChristmas, I knew It was seriou s."Tak ing over t he pos i t i onAcademic Dean will be Robert "BuGordon. Gordon cou ld not be reacfor comment, but issued a statemcongratulating the happy coupletheir future plans.


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PAGE 2 T H E MERCIAD A P RIL

Swinging singleGarvey can't slow downRecently the Erie SundayTimes listed William Garvey,Ph.D., age 50, as one of Erie'smost el igible singles. Whenasked why he has remained

unattached, ?Garvey quipped,"I always say it's because I'mIr ish, (Men in Irelandd tradi-tionally marry late in life.)When I get old enough...!

1 SN 0$&

rvBill Garvey accepts his Bachelor o f the Year AwardDesk nun earnsdigit Salary

|ln an exclusive Merciad in- Chuck replied, "Wel l , we have[vestigation, the salaries of f to give her a little more thanseveral key Mercyhurst com- Kennedy. She keeps the cof-mun i ty members we re fee pots f i l led."uncovered. ^ ^ t t Sr. Damien, swi tchboardIt would seem that College * . ^w . 1 M A #V0 J-T * rV iAisi i i m D operator receives about $50,00Presidents Dr. Will am P. r - ..-, . . . lt-^_T!_. 21 , : ' " L ii** ~# a year for her job. "There s aGarvev would top the 11st JOT 7 / * * i ' * ~i~salaries It Is surprising So l o t of extensions to remember,discover that Garvey Is one of y 0 " * " ? " s r h h e * f i d : o u t h f t*L i A - I J I -J I . .U. . I Mn M a r th a Ch a un c e y , t h eth e lowest paid Individuals on ^w S n ' t ^ c o m m e n t ' o n ^ a " d*.tlonal $1 000 for everysalary, but Director of Student s t u d n t * h e a t c h e s w , t n t " tServices E. William Kennedy a " ID / M a r t h ,a c o m m e n &stated? "He doesn't do that 9 ase salary really Isn'tmuch anyway. Al l he does Is * > < * * ^ U SS L S *si t in his office or walk around t c h about 100 slimeballscampus. He doesn't have to e r ' 1 * h a , h u d e n U 1 . w 1 . d 0 K n ? 1 " s edeal wrth the students." Ken- ' D ; J ^ J W f J f ?*?* * * L Unedy makes a whopplno to remmbertlwt my htm.,12 $01 for his adminfafrativl ft*"^? f o h a , r m a nPTSrCampus Ministry ^ S K X . S 3 employees receive a much *" u IT. D I ^ . I K - I I C K Z~u~: Iir c rhnrw the desk of Baldwin hal l . She^ h 9 i H JLyc r ^ n ^ l n r ^ k e s an Impressive $1.8 m i n H ? I n J r S h ^ k e l """ yearly salary. Whenyear and Sr. Elisabeth maKes . / A n H< $40 000. Karen Donnelly a s k e d t o, c o m m . " L " I A ? Ima^mS ntd$2orneFrr S S S ? V S iS S T o ask e S l^r"sh1'srew hhere, ,P wWha [ P ^ m a k e even more thando you expect? Besides, we tnaI% y>only have so much a l lo t ted for Oth er co l le ge sala r iessa la r i e s i n the Cam pus i nc lude :Ministry budget. Next year (former)Academic Deanshe'll make $28,000 when Palmer...,'. $11,000Elisabeth and I give ourselves Mary - Egan cl ea nin graises." * woman $85,000Gena Kost and Pat Reed are To ny DeM eo ( f oo tb al lalso on the CM payroll list, coach) $60,000Reed, senior history major, Cathy Crawford (beforemakes about $15,000 per year f a l s e s t u d e n t l o a n s )and Kos t, Junior Eng lish $10,000educa tion m ajor, i. makes ap- (after false student loans)proxim ately $12,002. When $100,000asked about the strange dollar Ga ry Bukowsk i(a lumnidiscrepa ncy for Kos t, Fr. relations) ,...$18,000

would think about It.? Alth oug h >.the prominentlocal figure and MercyhurstCollege president's excusemay be acceptable, a moreviable reason for his refusal tostand at the altar has recentlybeen exposed.| W i l l i a m G a r v e y , a l i a s"Snookums" has frequentlybeen spotted in the companyof a number of very hotwomen. Among the swinger'sharem are Dynasty star JoanColl ins, Mercyhurst admis-s i o n s c o u n s e l o r J e a nMoniewaki, and cuisine artistJul ia Child. T v *&%'. ;Of her relationship withGarvey, Collins, age 54, says," I 'm usual ly at tracted toyounger men. Bil ly Boy is sucha cutie. And I love when hetalks battlefields. It makes himsound, you know, intellectualIntellectual is sooo sexy," shepurred.When asked if marriage wasin the couple's future, Coll insquickly responded, "Oh no.Both of us are definitelycareer-minded people. In fact,I'm currently making plans formy second Playboy layout."Garvey agreed. He told theTimes, "So far I haven't slow-ed down...." *jfeL i * i i i1985 Mercyhurst graduate,Jean Moniewski, is obsessedwith the man she lovingly

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Bachelor No. 1, if I were a banana split, what flavor of ice creyou be?" \ *re fers to las "The Doctor."Says eMoniewski, "Being ahistory major, I had the perfect

Billy Boy's thoughts are constant-far of WOMEN. $

opportunity to get clhim. In class, I did nothdaydream of Dr. Garveywh y I just had to get a jhim when I graduateknowing that his ofdown the ? hall frommakes every day wond* Garvey's personal favnoted cook Jul ia Childknows that, the way to heart is through his stShe never disappoints mIs definitely helping grow."A source who wisheidentified only by her denies all rumors that star George Michael group for Garvey. Say" Th a fs l a * v ic io us l igroup's last hit, Tm Yowas not dedicated Garvey."

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3/8

APRIL 3,1986 T H E MERCIADuSacred

e erciad co lumnis t andPulitizer Prize winning writerBrian Sheridan I was foundmurdered to death today in thecollege's'newspaper office Inthe basement of Baldwin Hall.Charged in the slaying wasOlympic gymnast Mary LouRetton Erie Police stated thatIt appeared that the writer wasCuted to death 'by the g oldmedal-winning gymnist.Upon arrest by Erie Police,Retton confessed to the kill-ing. "I'm glad I did it. He calledme 'perky* and made fun of myteeth in that club newsletter,"she said smilingly. "I was tiredof having people tell me that Ishould dirty up my image, so Ikilled two birds with onestone." zMercyhurst coroner Dr. LewLutton pinpointed the t ime ofthe murder at approximately10:53 a.m. Witnesses say theysaw Ret ton leav ing theBaldwin off ices at around11:00 a.m. Merciad editorNaomi Romanchok found thewriter of the incredibly popular"Noth ing Sac red" co lumnslumped over the paper's com-

P

columnist slain byjperkyigymnastputer terminal two hours later.Romanchok had mixed feel-ings about the b rutal assasina-t i o n . " I cou ldn ' t hand leanymore of those nasty lettersor ph one calls* I've been get-ting ail year about his column.He was a very controversialfigure on the paper this year.I'm.j glad she k i l led himbecause I couldn't f ire him,union rules and all. Besidesthat, he was really obnoxiousin class."


4/8

PAGE 4 THE MERCIAD APRIL

Nuke thebunny!I am so glad that the Easter season Is no longerupon us. For some eight weeks I had to sit throughthose Cadbury telev ision com mercials* thatfeatured the clucking bunny.I?:have now endured two or three years of wat-ching my television screen during "The Jetsons"only to be faced with that blasted rabbit staring mein the face and clucking at me.With these com mercials, Cadbury has also con-tributed to th e growing myth that rabbits lay eggs -chocolate eggs with gooey stuffJn the middle, nolesslTo make matters worse, this season Cadburybrought forth to the American public rabbits that

chirp. So, in essence, even Cadbury doesn't ex-aactly know what sounds bunnies make becausethey have shown the American public two d istinctand different noises emitting from the animal.I am horrified to think that the American publicwould let this continue for so long. There are cur-rently millions of pre-schoolers (and several thou-sand adults) who think that rabbits^ctuck*-^ havesince been informed that rabbits actually bark.Hmmm. There's a new one for the chocolatecompany.)We're lying and misinforming a whole newgeneration of Americans by not telling them thetruth about the animal world. Many children arewalking around I the playgrounds of Anytown,U.S.A. believing tha t bunnies cluck and chirp.We, as concerned citizens, can't stand for thisany longer. Something must be done. J

On the recordBy David Armstrong, MSGPresidents T 2

would like to remind all thestudent's that the rep elec-tions are coming next week.Letters of intent are due in theMSG office by 3 p.m. on Mon.,Apr. 7.Hopefully you voted in theExecutive Officer electionsand we all know who the newofficers are for next year.Maybe they can do as good ajob as I did this year. AlthoughI was clearly working on myown in the MSG office I provedthat one man can do the job ofp res iden t , v i ce -p res iden t ,treasurer and secretary. I wantto be modest and say that the

other officers were uselessth is year .


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APRIL 3,1986 TH E MERCIAD PAGGotta quest ion?

The fol lowing is the first of acontinuing series of advicecolumns written by three topco l lege administrators toanswer those all-Importantquestions that people mayhave.*Dear BUI, Will and Phil,

BUI ponders each and every ques-tion he receives.Where do the socks gowhen they disapper from thel a u n d r y ? ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ zzBil l : Oh, no. Sally, get Becker

Maytag on the phone. Notthose (darn) washers anddryers again.IWill : Well, I think that allstudents should be aware ofthe problem of the sock eatingwashers but as yet I cannotcomment on this particularquestion. Try me back after Ihave had time to research thismatter.Phil: You know, I don't seewhat the big deal is all about Igot you the new washers anddryers didn't I? Geez, youthink you would be happy, soyou lost a few socks! ?f

Dear Bil l , Will & PhiliI like this guy. He is olderand more mature thantheaverage co llege lush. He has ahouse and Is a real nice guy. Iam a junior who l ives on cam-pus. I'd really like to go outwith him SOON. I've droppedsubtle hints but he hasn'tresponded. What should I do?Do you think he's Just shy orJust not Interested? q 7 ^ Waiting for your reply,

Lisa in Limbo (or Lisa who 'dlike to limbo) i *Bil l : Dear Lisa, I am older,more mature and have ahouse. Will you teach me howto limbo?Will : The dating process issomething that can't be rush-ed . Lasting and fulfilling rela-

# T

Thousands of questions pour IntoWill's office. He reads all of thempersonally.' f v & 4tionships take time and mucheffort. Take your time and ap-proach the matter with the ut-most caution. Phil: Go for it

honey Be direct, but do n't bepromiscuous on campushousing.Attention Bill, Will and Phil,My class schedule Is interfer-ing with my soap opera twat-ching. World Masterpiecesand "All My Children" justdon't mix. World of Philosophyand "General Hospital" areworlds apart. I know I shouldstop watching this pernicioustrash but I just can 't stop. Thisterm Is really affect ing mystudies. I need help. r*Love in the afternoon withJudy * a iBil l : Judy, Get a VCR likeeveryone else. Will : I'm sure itis going to be difficult.*! Iunderstand your appreciation

for soap operas. But they arenot all that is important in life.I, myself, didn't watch "DaysofiOur Lives"Jforttwo yearswhile I attended a local col-lege and had history classes atthat ;time. The education Irece ived was* worth I thesac r i f i ce o f 7l ike sandsthrough the hour glass....these

are the days of our livePresently, I use a VCR sinwork during the day. Phil:know, you can always conwith your R.A. who undoubly has enough experienchave provided for an em ercy of this sort.l

Dear Bill, Will and Phstayed In the dorm over Eavacation and waited all Saday night and Sunday forEaster Bunny to hop my w

PoliceIponder missing petsMercyhurst College CriminalJustice Department has beencontacted by the Erie PoliceDepartment to aid In in-vestigating a rash of pet theftsin the 38th and Davidson area(see map). The thefts startedin O ctobe r' of last year b uthave been occurlng with In-creasing regularity lately."W e ' re , s t u m pe d , " s ay spolice chief Richard Tracy."The pets have7 been takenfrom backyards, cars andhomes, it's not just house petseither. The Humane Society

occurred only before lunchand dinnertime but we have noother clues," said Tracy. Thethefts themselves have nottaken place below 38th streetor past:Warsaw. One womansaid she saw a man In a chef'shat running through the area

at about the time a theft wasreported but we felt thesighting was unsubstantiated.It just has us buffaloed. Tha t'swhy we have called in the Mer-cyhurs t Cr im ina l Jus t i ceDepartment."The Job of the department

will be to go undercover in thearea. "They will be disguisednot only pet owners but asdogs and cats," says depart-ment head John Nee. "It's agood exercise for the majorsin trying to blend into theirsurroundings."

TNCLAKERIN N HOS ^ 7 * * * * * ^

has noticed a decline in thepigeon population of that areaas well." i Police have only have onelead. "The petnappings have

Phil1 (left) is even availablon-location advice, ^^j^^labut he never came. Doesnlike me anymore or doesnexist? I 8g 7Lonely for somebunnyBil l : I, oops, I mean,Easter Bunny probably forgot! Will : I am sure if hists, he still likes you. sonally, I quit believing inEaster Bunny about five yago. Phil: He didn't showbecause there were no visallowed gin th e dorms duMr. Bunny's usual schewhich is between the hour2 a.m. and 12 noon Sunda

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PAGE 6 THE MERCIAD APRIL 3

Something Sacred W . - ^ N .By j JBrian Sheridan

Boy-oh-boy, I just love thistime of the year. You can Justfeel the excitement In the air.Yes, it's tax time.j The Internal Revenue Ser-vice is one of my favoritegovernment agencies. The IRSIs even better than the CIA andthe FBI. It's loads more funthan a trip to the dentist forroot]; canal and much betterthan eating rusty nails. ,^tI just love filling out my taxreturns. The easy-to-read in -structions (complete with han-dy explanat ions and ex-amples) and those great littleboxes to fill in just make my

year complete.Figuring out my adjustedgross income is such a joy. Itis such a 'matter of self-satisfaction to know my an-nual self-worth. 1-And speaking of joy, I justlove that Punky Brewster. Ijust love the leading actress,especially her name. She por-trays such a mature personali-ty and fits the part so well. Andhave you ever seen such aCUTE dog, I mean it alwaysdoes what little Punky says.Speaking of cute, how aboutall those stuffed animalseveryone brings to school w ith

GQ announced Its selection for the "Men of Mercyhurst." GO describ-ed the winners as very "eightyish*\

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>Beaverf* reruns Jas saying, 3 *man's got to do what only aMSG president can do.**A lo n g w i t h A r m s t r o n gcomes his own hand-pickedadministration. From past ex-perience of working together!he placed Matt Wheian in theo f f i c e o f H e a d o fMaintenance! Among the fir st

The new administration - (top row I to r) D. Armstrong, Matt WPat Reed (bottom row Ito r) Elaine Siciliano, Shirley Stebell andAiello.

MSG president takeTcollege'retnsi

F

improvements on the collegecampus, Wheian plans to tearup Garvey Park and replacingit with a fountain oflDavkLWhelar fhwa^ alsd^ qdbtwPa#sa^Jjfig, 'This year the plowswilt be out everyday from, Oo$1 ober to May|especial y|wheni t snows/* Iv Jl l A A I J O added to the new ad-ministration was Pat Reed asp ie new Academid^Deanâssuming the scandalousSituation in the AcademicDean% foffle e. Two* Istlpulavttons of the contract signed bypeedffrtcluded tha$ he maywear eans every otherjday andthatghe mustfwear shirts withsleeves. Reed commented orfihis! new!position in|betweenslufps of coffee i CampusMinistry, ^prflMhonored | | p - ,sure>*| When askediwhat revi-sions he would make infMer*cyhurst scholastics durtng vhts|term* Reed stated ha t his f i r s t !priortty|Woutdbe to install cc#fee maeffines|an^t ash t rays| | |aj&he classrooms.His second|major pnor|tv&|l^>e to tiaveno classesstarting before 11pH f ft m I IJphen theêaiiessWDewpresident decided of who lie|w>u!d have as Qiretor of fs tu-dentfeServJ^sM Armstrongdecided 4o Jceep E. WilliamKennedy! Kennedy was sograteful to Armstrong that|hepromised to|name|a wing i nMcAuêypJalll alter him, umStrong WingJ||Cennedy hopesthat al|who reside Inlthis wingwiitf become rdisciples fof'DeMeo.* J | -j |New and Improved PhyllisAiello was retained as Directorof Housingiand Safety Directtor. When asked about her newlook, Phyllis repl ied^ "Onemust take on the look of theadministration.^ ^

The new administrationhas put a farm*liar facenew place. Shirley Stebel-former McAuley Hail J* des#awe%dafff ias*n oDWover the job as FinanciaOirector. An exuberant Stquipped, *rvelaiways4wato seethe oj|er side otgWand the day|ght.|She p|ause work study jobs asoasis for Armstrong's icpalgn f o r g ^ J * 9 8 ^president ia l campa|SourcesI close to the msay Ithat th e onlj&ireaStebell got the job because Armstrong thou|"Shir1eyfwas surely readyphe job. f

One of Armstrong's finpointments was for the iftils own personal secreIHefiad a hard|timefchoofpom among thefwomen a^college. To ease his decisimaking David decided tofa Best Dressed JWoman Jtest. All from tfie local houwe f#w elc om e| Finally Dchose*the womar|wh o dreed in a straples s! lepardcheesecloth o^t f i t^p laSicil iano.| Elaine | deligha m ^ decided" tha t | firstfsmustjtakeâ typing classing the fajl term. The dudemanded|of Elaine wil l bef o i l ows | ge t fi e |Preajdecoffee each morningârranluncheor|ertgangmenfet|Sany available limes with Jsonal socia|encounters.ÔuMpieased president?commended by the former|pge adminitration and alufor iris careful! and Ise I ecchoices in personnel. Aftering sworn in to office group posed for an excluMerciad pho to. 1 $


7/8

APRIL 3,1986 THE MERCIAD PAG

SIMTryke probes the human psyche with Dr. Mark Gridley. ^Tryke's mailbox is always full ofcards and letters from home. Tryke likes to think of himself as a **rebel without a cause'*

"Bang,* Bang you're dead!*'Tryke sets anew video standard.The Mercyhurst female popHon finds Tryke's mystery antrigue appealing.

Even though he's only an underclassman, Tryke is one of the mostpopular cycles on campus. >Tryke's athletic ability 3$hasalready turned some f coachesheads^ Tryke sometimes feels everyone is out to get him

Responsible for the weekly p ublication of the College newspaper; includingstaff m anagement and organization, and also editorial decisions.$f: Scholarship Awarded_ _ - ^ _ ^ _ EDITOR^Assists editor in all aspects of publicationScholarship AwardedBUSINESS _ _ _ , f i Responsible for all advertisements that appear in the newspaper. This in-cludes Solicitation, assemblying (putting together) and payment on ac-cou nts. Salary on a comm ission basis. *Letters of intentlfor any of the above positionsfare due to Box129 byApril 14,-1986.J Interested students may apply for morethan one position. j t ^ ^ o ,If there-are any further questions, please contact NaomiRomanchok at 825-0376 or Dennis McCarthy (Baldwin 85) 825-0264. ! f

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8/8

PAGE a THE MERCIAD APRIL

*College community enthusiastic'about new athletic addiIn regards to a story

reported in the Sept. 12 issueof The Merciad, I the ' Mer-cyhurst College.campus willsoon be getting an Olympic-sized swimming pool. >Earlier stories reported thatthe college was studying thefeasibility of a pool on campusfor recreat ion and inter-collegiate sports. Such rumorswere set aside when the col-lege announced the buildingof the pool.As announced by CollegePres ident DrJJVVIIIIam P.Garvey, the expected comple-tion^ date for the new multi-dollar structure is "next week( w e a t h e r p e r m i t t i n g ) o rwhenever the Athletic Depart-ment can find someone withhealthy lungs to inflate thepool." 1 f 0 !The Board of Trustees an-nounced It will name the struc-ture "Palmer Poor* for therecently departed AcademicDean.Located on the lawn in frontof the Mercyhurst Apartment,Palmer _Pool [Will have day,evening and weekend hours toaccommodate students; "Butthere will be no splashing, gun-

ning or horseplay," ins isted anadament Dr. Garvey. The college has made nodefinite plans to cement thepool into place, however. "Thewater should weigh it downenough for now. Anyhow,students mav want to rent the

New Campus -Pool to be. madeavailable for private parties.structure for get-togethers orlto take a few laps around thepool to relieve tension fromh e c t i c , classes,1'stated Janet

With spring In the air,|baseball must be right aroundthe corne r. So, it 's time for me[o go out on a limb and makeImy Major :League Baseballpredictions for the upcominglseason:r[National League East: *PITTSBURGH PI RATES. The[Pirates could be the mosttalented team in the majorshis year. I think the switch[rom cocaine to marijuana will|ake the Buc's a much looserlunch this season.^PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.the Phils' will finish a distantecond. Steve Carlton will go>n the d isabled list when heontracts laryngitis from do-

ing too many Interviews.MONTREAL EXPOS. The Ex-po s will challenge for seconddespite having half theirgames canceled due to snow.CHICAGO CUBS. The Cub-bies will be forced to play allnight games and might end upin the basement.plEW YORK MBTS. ?TbeAmazing Mets will falter afterDwight Qooden announceshis retirement. Qooden willretire because his fastball canno longer reach home-plate.ST. LOUIS CARDlNALSTTheCardinals are still e motionallydrained from choking in lastyear's World Series,* NationalLeague West:

PAP'SA.M.Every Friday 12:30 till 5:00 a.m.MERCYHURST COLLEGE NIGHT2 Students with College I.D.I only $5.00 t Iwith OJ. KenneyMoss

Price, director of women'sathletics and of the college'sWellness Program. *There are presently no plansto allow the crew team to prac-tice in the new facilities. VIdon't know how we could at-tach the oars to 'the perkypenguin in the left side andthe fuzzy koala bear on theright side," commented a con-fused crew coach, Dr. AlBelovarec. "It may help in thelong run, however. Maybe wecan eliminte those costly tripsto Florida or Tennessee infavor of practicing in our ownpool ." | v .j&The sparkling new "Get-A l o n g G a n g " s t r u c t u r efeatures a spacious water sup-ply. The Financial Aid Off icewill allow a total of 12 work-study posit ions as l ifeguards,towel supply attendants and"bucket brigade members."According to Cathy Crawford,director of f inancial aid, "thebucket br igade work-studystudents wil l be expected torefill the pool as needed. As ofyet, there are no provisions inthe budget for a Club-Medstyle poolside bar." ^ ^The Athlet ic Department Is

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.The Giants will breeze to thepennant while leading the ma-jors in attendance, f ^HOUSTON ASTROS / TheAstros wil l f inish in second on-ly because Nolan Ryan strikesout every batter he faces.'SA N DIEGO PADRES. ThePadres wil l coun t* on G raigNettles leading the league intriples and wil l f inish thirdst A T L A N T A B R A V E S ^Manage r Chu ck Tanne r ' spess im ism w i l l keep theBraves from improving.CINCINNATI REDS. Player-Manager Pete Rose's lethargicstyle of play wil l become infec-t ious as the Reds falter.L O S I A N G E L E S . ^ T h eDodgers wil l be decimatedwhen Tom Lasorda quits toopen an Italian restaurant.American League East:

C L E V E L A N D I N D I A N S ."Super'l Joe-Charboneau wi l lcomeback to m anage the Tribeand lead them into the WorldSeries, where; they w ill m eetthe Pirates.** ~ -MILWAUKEE BREWERS.Th e Brewsk i's wi 11 market theirown brand of beer and lead theleague in profits. * !BOSTON RED SOX. Onceagain the l ight-hit t ing Red Soxwill have to depend on pit-ch ing to w in. < sBALTIMORE ORIOLES. TheB i r d s w i l l b e w i t h o u t Jamanager when Earl Weaver

excited with the recent addi-t ion. "It wil l add dimension tothe sports program here atMercyhu rs t , " sa id an en -thusiastic Tom Dore, who wil lserve as director of PalmerPool and as towel manager forthe swim team. t *

Tom Dore namedi new-^swimcoach and towel manager *" I t ' s agreat |way fo rstudents to get some deeptansjfor the summer," com-mented Dave Cherico, directorof the Campus C e n t e r .Cherico explained that thepool* will not be under theauspices tof the CampusCenter, but will function in-

dependently and w ith the helpof the Student Union. ^ EFormer student and present

director of the StudentLisa Costello is pleasethe add i t i ona l rec rf a c i l i t i e s . "Orginallywanted to put a pool Student Union, but 1 tthe carpet would get toIt 's new location wicourage students to gand make a splash."An opening receptiobe held to dedicate the pFri., Apr. 11 at 6 p.m. (wpermitt ing). Students avi ted to the combidedication-weinie roasare reminded to bringswimsu i ts.Also enthusiastic abonew pool is head fcoach Tony DeMeo.. "give us a place to womuch needed practice c l e m e n t w e a t h e r " DeMeo, "but I will hasiphon out some water going to fit the entire tethe pool without creatioverf low problem."Former Dean Palmer .the lucky individual giveopportunity to take thplunge into the watery sd u r i n g i n a u g u r afestivit ies. "I 'm very hoto have my name placOne of the m ost im pressidit ions to the Mercyhurspus," sa id t he de l ifo rmer Dean. "Whenthat f irst plunge, I wfulf i l l ing the dreams of

students and faculty he re a t Me rcyhu rs t ,cont inued. Tsmokes himself into an earlygrave. fTORONTO BLUE JAYS. TheBlue Jays wil l win the/Cana-dianll Football League GreyCup, beating the Hamilton Ti-cats 1ML? * EJ TDETROIT TIGERS. TheTigers will be forced to doubleas Dominos' Pizza deliverybOVS. jjfrWfrJ, fNEW YORK YANKEES. I willbe offered the job of managingthe Yankees after Lou Pin el aand Billy Martin are canned.American League West: ttTEXASIRANGERS. .Rookieslugger, Pete Incalvia willbreak Roger Maris' home runrecord and lead the Ranger'sto the pennant. **,SEATTLE MARINERS. All ofIncalvia's home runs will be hi tin the Seattle "Homerdome"3MINNESOTA TWINS. TheTwins will cancel all-homegames due to lack of interest

and play at Wrigley Field daytime. *.CHICAGO WHITE Carlton Flsk will earn aGlove in the outfield andSeaver will be traded bathe Mets to replace the rGooden. O A K L A N D A ' s . j Kingman will become atact hitter and hit over .4the A's plummet.CALIFORNIA A N GReggie Jackson will becostudent of Kingman 's anCarew will be back to Kingman for the batting

KANSAS CITY ROYALSRoyals3pitching staff wd e p l e t e d w h e n BSaberhagen is put o ut toGeorge Brett will once have to battle hemorholdwill have to sit, J mean by and watch -CarewKingman battle it out.ANNOUNCEMENT:Housing applications now available for Garvey ParApplicants must have own camper, tent or Winneba

Documents

The Merciad, April 3, 1986