The Merry Wives of Windsor - allthingsshakespeare.com€¦ · Web viewSHALLOWWhat, the sword and the word! do you study themboth, master parson? PAGEAnd youthful still! in your doublet

The Merry Wives of WindsorAct III

By William Shakespeare

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ACT IIISCENE I. A field near Frogmore.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE

SIR HUGH EVANSI pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,and friend Simple by your name, which way have youlooked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

SIMPLEMarry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, everyway; old Windsor way, and every way but the townway.

SIR HUGH EVANSI most fehemently desire you you will also look thatway.

SIMPLEI will, sir.

Exit

SIR HUGH EVANS‘Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, andtrempling of mind! I shall be glad if he havedeceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knoghis urinals about his knave’s costard when I havegood opportunities for the ork. ‘Pless my soul!

Sings

To shallow rivers, to whose fallsMelodious birds sings madrigals;There will we make our peds of roses,

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And a thousand fragrant posies.To shallow–Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

Sings

Melodious birds sing madrigals–When as I sat in Pabylon–And a thousand vagram posies.To shallow & c.

Re-enter SIMPLE

SIMPLEYonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

SIR HUGH EVANSHe’s welcome.

Sings

To shallow rivers, to whose falls-Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

SIMPLENo weapons, sir. There comes my master, MasterShallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, overthe stile, this way.

SIR HUGH EVANSPray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

SHALLOWHow now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good studentfrom his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE‘Save you, good Sir Hugh!




SIR HUGH EVANS‘Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOWWhat, the sword and the word! do you study themboth, master parson?

PAGEAnd youthful still! in your doublet and hose thisraw rheumatic day!

SIR HUGH EVANSThere is reasons and causes for it.

PAGEWe are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

SIR HUGH EVANSFery well: what is it?

PAGEYonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belikehaving received wrong by some person, is at mostodds with his own gravity and patience that ever yousaw.

SHALLOWI have lived fourscore years and upward; I neverheard a man of his place, gravity and learning, sowide of his own respect.

SIR HUGH EVANSWhat is he?

PAGEI think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, therenowned French physician.

SIR HUGH EVANSGot’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had aslief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGEWhy?




SIR HUGH EVANSHe has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,–and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as youwould desires to be acquainted withal.

PAGEI warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

SHALLOW[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOWIt appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:here comes Doctor Caius.

Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

PAGENay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOWSo do you, good master doctor.

HostDisarm them, and let them question: let them keeptheir limbs whole and hack our English.

DOCTOR CAIUSI pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

SIR HUGH EVANS[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:in good time.

DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

SIR HUGH EVANS[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not belaughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire youin friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.

Aloud




I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cockscombfor missing your meetings and appointments.

DOCTOR CAIUSDiable! Jack Rugby,–mine host de Jarteer,–have Inot stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de placeI did appoint?

SIR HUGH EVANSAs I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is theplace appointed: I’ll be judgement by mine host ofthe Garter.

HostPeace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,soul-curer and body-curer!

DOCTOR CAIUSAy, dat is very good; excellent.

HostPeace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am Ipolitic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall Ilose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and themotions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my SirHugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and theno-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give methy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I havedeceived you both; I have directed you to wrongplaces: your hearts are mighty, your skins arewhole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, laytheir swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOWTrust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host

DOCTOR CAIUSHa, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot ofus, ha, ha?




SIR HUGH EVANSThis is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. Idesire you that we may be friends; and let us knogour prains together to be revenge on this samescall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring mewhere is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

SIR HUGH EVANSWell, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

Exeunt

SCENE II. A street.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBINMISTRESS PAGENay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont tobe a follower, but now you are a leader. Whetherhad you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

ROBINI had rather, forsooth, go before you like a manthan follow him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGEO, you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.

Enter FORD

FORDWell met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MISTRESS PAGETruly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORDAy; and as idle as she may hang together, for wantof company. I think, if your husbands were dead,you two would marry.

MISTRESS PAGEBe sure of that,–two other husbands.




FORDWhere had you this pretty weather-cock?

MISTRESS PAGEI cannot tell what the dickens his name is myhusband had him of. What do you call your knight’sname, sirrah?

ROBINSir John Falstaff.

FORDSir John Falstaff!

MISTRESS PAGEHe, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such aleague between my good man and he! Is your wife athome indeed?

FORDIndeed she is.

MISTRESS PAGEBy your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

FORDHas Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he anythinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, aseasy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelvescore. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; hegives her folly motion and advantage: and now she’sgoing to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. Aman may hear this shower sing in the wind. AndFalstaff’s boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;and our revolted wives share damnation together.Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluckthe borrowed veil of modesty from the so seemingMistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure andwilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings allmy neighbours shall cry aim.

Clock heard




The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids mesearch: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall berather praised for this than mocked; for it is aspositive as the earth is firm that Falstaff isthere: I will go.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

SHALLOW PAGE & CWell met, Master Ford.

FORDTrust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;and I pray you all go with me.

SHALLOWI must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDERAnd so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine withMistress Anne, and I would not break with her formore money than I’ll speak of.

SHALLOWWe have lingered about a match between Anne Page andmy cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

SLENDERI hope I have your good will, father Page.

PAGEYou have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

DOCTOR CAIUSAy, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-aQuickly tell me so mush.

HostWhat say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, hedances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, hespeaks holiday, he smells April and May: he willcarry’t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons; hewill carry’t.




PAGENot by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman isof no having: he kept company with the wild princeand Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows toomuch. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortuneswith the finger of my substance: if he take her,let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits onmy consent, and my consent goes not that way.

FORDI beseech you heartily, some of you go home with meto dinner: besides your cheer, you shall havesport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.

SHALLOWWell, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooingat Master Page’s.

Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER

DOCTOR CAIUSGo home, John Rugby; I come anon.

Exit RUGBY

HostFarewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knightFalstaff, and drink canary with him.

Exit

FORD[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine firstwith him; I’ll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?

AllHave with you to see this monster.

Exeunt

SCENE III. A room in FORD’S house.

Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGEMISTRESS FORDWhat, John! What, Robert!




MISTRESS PAGEQuickly, quickly! is the buck-basket–

MISTRESS FORDI warrant. What, Robin, I say!

Enter Servants with a basket

MISTRESS PAGECome, come, come.

MISTRESS FORDHere, set it down.

MISTRESS PAGEGive your men the charge; we must be brief.

MISTRESS FORDMarry, as I told you before, John and Robert, beready here hard by in the brew-house: and when Isuddenly call you, come forth, and without any pauseor staggering take this basket on your shoulders:that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carryit among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and thereempty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

MISTRESS PAGEYou will do it?

MISTRESS FORDI ha’ told them over and over; they lack nodirection. Be gone, and come when you are called.

Exeunt Servants

MISTRESS PAGEHere comes little Robin.

Enter ROBIN

MISTRESS FORDHow now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?

ROBINMy master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,Mistress Ford, and requests your company.




MISTRESS PAGEYou little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

ROBINAy, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of yourbeing here and hath threatened to put me intoeverlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for heswears he’ll turn me away.

MISTRESS PAGEThou’rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall bea tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doubletand hose. I’ll go hide me.

MISTRESS FORDDo so. Go tell thy master I am alone.

Exit ROBIN

Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

MISTRESS PAGEI warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.

Exit

MISTRESS FORDGo to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity,this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to knowturtles from jays.

Enter FALSTAFF

FALSTAFFHave I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now letme die, for I have lived long enough: this is theperiod of my ambition: O this blessed hour!

MISTRESS FORDO sweet Sir John!

FALSTAFFMistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I wouldthy husband were dead: I’ll speak it before thebest lord; I would make thee my lady.




MISTRESS FORDI your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

FALSTAFFLet the court of France show me such another. I seehow thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hastthe right arched beauty of the brow that becomes theship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire ofVenetian admittance.

MISTRESS FORDA plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothingelse; nor that well neither.

FALSTAFFBy the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thouwouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firmfixture of thy foot would give an excellent motionto thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I seewhat thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Naturethy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

MISTRESS FORDBelieve me, there is no such thing in me.

FALSTAFFWhat made me love thee? let that persuade theethere’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, Icannot cog and say thou art this and that, like amany of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come likewomen in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersburyin simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; nonebut thee; and thou deservest it.

MISTRESS FORDDo not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

FALSTAFFThou mightst as well say I love to walk by theCounter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reekof a lime-kiln.

MISTRESS FORDWell, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall oneday find it.




FALSTAFFKeep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.

MISTRESS FORDNay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could notbe in that mind.

ROBIN[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here’sMistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing andlooking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

FALSTAFFShe shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

MISTRESS FORDPray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman.

FALSTAFF hides himself

Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

What’s the matter? how now!

MISTRESS PAGEO Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed,you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!

MISTRESS FORDWhat’s the matter, good Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGEO well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest manto your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

MISTRESS FORDWhat cause of suspicion?

MISTRESS PAGEWhat cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am Imistook in you!

MISTRESS FORDWhy, alas, what’s the matter?




MISTRESS PAGEYour husband’s coming hither, woman, with all theofficers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman thathe says is here now in the house by your consent, totake an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

MISTRESS FORD‘Tis not so, I hope.

MISTRESS PAGEPray heaven it be not so, that you have such a manhere! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming,with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such aone. I come before to tell you. If you knowyourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if youhave a friend here convey, convey him out. Be notamazed; call all your senses to you; defend yourreputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

MISTRESS FORDWhat shall I do? There is a gentleman my dearfriend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as hisperil: I had rather than a thousand pound he wereout of the house.

MISTRESS PAGEFor shame! never stand ‘you had rather’ and ‘youhad rather:’ your husband’s here at hand, bethinkyou of some conveyance: in the house you cannothide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, hereis a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, hemay creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, asif it were going to bucking: or–it is whiting-time–send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

MISTRESS FORDHe’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

FALSTAFF[Coming forward] Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, letme see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’scounsel. I’ll in.

MISTRESS PAGEWhat, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?




FALSTAFFI love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.I’ll never–

Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen

MISTRESS PAGEHelp to cover your master, boy. Call your men,Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

MISTRESS FORDWhat, John! Robert! John!

Exit ROBIN

Re-enter Servants

Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s thecowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them tothe laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.

Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORDPray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

ServantTo the laundress, forsooth.

MISTRESS FORDWhy, what have you to do whither they bear it? Youwere best meddle with buck-washing.

FORDBuck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;and of the season too, it shall appear.

Exeunt Servants with the basket

Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I’ll tell you mydream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend mychambers; search, seek, find out: I’ll warrantwe’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.




Locking the door

So, now uncape.

PAGEGood Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

FORDTrue, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall seesport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Exit

SIR HUGH EVANSThis is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is notjealous in France.

PAGENay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.

Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

MISTRESS PAGEIs there not a double excellency in this?

MISTRESS FORDI know not which pleases me better, that my husbandis deceived, or Sir John.

MISTRESS PAGEWhat a taking was he in when your husband asked whowas in the basket!

MISTRESS FORDI am half afraid he will have need of washing; sothrowing him into the water will do him a benefit.

MISTRESS PAGEHang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the samestrain were in the same distress.

MISTRESS FORDI think my husband hath some special suspicion of




Falstaff’s being here; for I never saw him so grossin his jealousy till now.

MISTRESS PAGEI will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet havemore tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease willscarce obey this medicine.

MISTRESS FORDShall we send that foolish carrion, MistressQuickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into thewater; and give him another hope, to betray him toanother punishment?

MISTRESS PAGEWe will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,eight o’clock, to have amends.

Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

FORDI cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of thathe could not compass.

MISTRESS PAGE[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?

MISTRESS FORDYou use me well, Master Ford, do you?

FORDAy, I do so.

MISTRESS FORDHeaven make you better than your thoughts!

FORDAmen!

MISTRESS PAGEYou do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

FORDAy, ay; I must bear it.




SIR HUGH EVANSIf there be any pody in the house, and in thechambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!

DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.

PAGEFie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? Whatspirit, what devil suggests this imagination? Iwould not ha’ your distemper in this kind for thewealth of Windsor Castle.

FORD‘Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.

SIR HUGH EVANSYou suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is ashonest a ‘omans as I will desires among fivethousand, and five hundred too.

DOCTOR CAIUSBy gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.

FORDWell, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk inthe Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereaftermake known to you why I have done this. Come,wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;pray heartily, pardon me.

PAGELet’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mockhim. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my houseto breakfast: after, we’ll a-birding together; Ihave a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

FORDAny thing.

SIR HUGH EVANSIf there is one, I shall make two in the company.

DOCTOR CAIUSIf dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.




FORDPray you, go, Master Page.

SIR HUGH EVANSI pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousyknave, mine host.

DOCTOR CAIUSDat is good; by gar, with all my heart!

SIR HUGH EVANSA lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!

Exeunt

SCENE IV. A room in PAGE’S house.

Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGEFENTONI see I cannot get thy father’s love;Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.

ANNE PAGEAlas, how then?

FENTONWhy, thou must be thyself.He doth object I am too great of birth–,And that, my state being gall’d with my expense,I seek to heal it only by his wealth:Besides these, other bars he lays before me,My riots past, my wild societies;And tells me ’tis a thing impossibleI should love thee but as a property.

ANNE PAGEMay be he tells you true.

FENTONNo, heaven so speed me in my time to come!Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealthWas the first motive that I woo’d thee, Anne:Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more valueThan stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;And ’tis the very riches of thyselfThat now I aim at.




ANNE PAGEGentle Master Fenton,Yet seek my father’s love; still seek it, sir:If opportunity and humblest suitCannot attain it, why, then,–hark you hither!

They converse apart

Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY

SHALLOWBreak their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shallspeak for himself.

SLENDERI’ll make a shaft or a bolt on’t: ‘slid, ’tis butventuring.

SHALLOWBe not dismayed.

SLENDERNo, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,but that I am afeard.

MISTRESS QUICKLYHark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.

ANNE PAGEI come to him.

Aside

This is my father’s choice.O, what a world of vile ill-favor’d faultsLooks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!

MISTRESS QUICKLYAnd how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.

SHALLOWShe’s coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!

SLENDERI had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell yougood jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress




Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out ofa pen, good uncle.

SHALLOWMistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

SLENDERAy, that I do; as well as I love any woman inGloucestershire.

SHALLOWHe will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

SLENDERAy, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under thedegree of a squire.

SHALLOWHe will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.

ANNE PAGEGood Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

SHALLOWMarry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that goodcomfort. She calls you, coz: I’ll leave you.

ANNE PAGENow, Master Slender,–

SLENDERNow, good Mistress Anne,–

ANNE PAGEWhat is your will?

SLENDERMy will! ‘od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jestindeed! I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven; Iam not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

ANNE PAGEI mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

SLENDERTruly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing




with you. Your father and my uncle hath mademotions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man behis dole! They can tell you how things go betterthan I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.

Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE

PAGENow, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

FENTONNay, Master Page, be not impatient.

MISTRESS PAGEGood Master Fenton, come not to my child.

PAGEShe is no match for you.

FENTONSir, will you hear me?

PAGENo, good Master Fenton.Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

MISTRESS QUICKLYSpeak to Mistress Page.

FENTONGood Mistress Page, for that I love your daughterIn such a righteous fashion as I do,Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,I must advance the colours of my loveAnd not retire: let me have your good will.

ANNE PAGEGood mother, do not marry me to yond fool.




MISTRESS PAGEI mean it not; I seek you a better husband.

MISTRESS QUICKLYThat’s my master, master doctor.

ANNE PAGEAlas, I had rather be set quick i’ the earthAnd bowl’d to death with turnips!

MISTRESS PAGECome, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,I will not be your friend nor enemy:My daughter will I question how she loves you,And as I find her, so am I affected.Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;Her father will be angry.

FENTONFarewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE

MISTRESS QUICKLYThis is my doing, now: ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘will you castaway your child on a fool, and a physician? Look onMaster Fenton:’ this is my doing.

FENTONI thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-nightGive my sweet Nan this ring: there’s for thy pains.

MISTRESS QUICKLYNow heaven send thee good fortune!

Exit FENTON

A kind heart he hath: a woman would run throughfire and water for such a kind heart. But yet Iwould my master had Mistress Anne; or I wouldMaster Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would MasterFenton had her; I will do what I can for them allthree; for so I have promised, and I’ll be as goodas my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff frommy two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!




Exit

SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPHFALSTAFFBardolph, I say,–

BARDOLPHHere, sir.

FALSTAFFGo fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in’t.

Exit BARDOLPH

Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like abarrow of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in theThames? Well, if I be served such another trick,I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and givethem to a dog for a new-year’s gift. The roguesslighted me into the river with as little remorse asthey would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,fifteen i’ the litter: and you may know by my sizethat I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if thebottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I hadbeen drowned, but that the shore was shelvy andshallow,–a death that I abhor; for the water swellsa man; and what a thing should I have been when Ihad been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

BARDOLPHHere’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

FALSTAFFLet me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for mybelly’s as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs forpills to cool the reins. Call her in.

BARDOLPHCome in, woman!

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY




MISTRESS QUICKLYBy your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worshipgood morrow.

FALSTAFFTake away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle ofsack finely.

BARDOLPHWith eggs, sir?

FALSTAFFSimple of itself; I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.

Exit BARDOLPH

How now!

MISTRESS QUICKLYMarry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

FALSTAFFMistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was throwninto the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLYAlas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

FALSTAFFSo did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise.

MISTRESS QUICKLYWell, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearnyour heart to see it. Her husband goes this morninga-birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetween eight and nine: I must carry her wordquickly: she’ll make you amends, I warrant you.

FALSTAFFWell, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid herthink what a man is: let her consider his frailty,and then judge of my merit.

MISTRESS QUICKLYI will tell her.




FALSTAFFDo so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLYEight and nine, sir.

FALSTAFFWell, be gone: I will not miss her.

MISTRESS QUICKLYPeace be with you, sir.

Exit

FALSTAFFI marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me wordto stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.

Enter FORD

FORDBless you, sir!

FALSTAFFNow, master Brook, you come to know what hath passedbetween me and Ford’s wife?

FORDThat, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at herhouse the hour she appointed me.

FORDAnd sped you, sir?

FALSTAFFVery ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

FORDHow so, sir? Did she change her determination?

FALSTAFFNo, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto herhusband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual




‘larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of ourencounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thitherprovoked and instigated by his distemper, and,forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love.

FORDWhat, while you were there?

FALSTAFFWhile I was there.

FORDAnd did he search for you, and could not find you?

FALSTAFFYou shall hear. As good luck would have it, comesin one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford’sapproach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’sdistraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

FORDA buck-basket!

FALSTAFFBy the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foulshirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasynapkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankestcompound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

FORDAnd how long lay you there?

FALSTAFFNay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I havesuffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’sknaves, his hinds, were called forth by theirmistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes toDatchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; metthe jealous knave their master in the door, whoasked them once or twice what they had in theirbasket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knavewould have searched it; but fate, ordaining heshould be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he




for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. Butmark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangsof three several deaths; first, an intolerablefright, to be detected with a jealous rottenbell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a goodbilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt topoint, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,like a strong distillation, with stinking clothesthat fretted in their own grease: think of that,–aman of my kidney,–think of that,–that am as subjectto heat as butter; a man of continual dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.And in the height of this bath, when I was more thanhalf stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to bethrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think ofthat,–hissing hot,–think of that, Master Brook.

FORDIn good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake youhave sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;you’ll undertake her no more?

FALSTAFFMaster Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I havebeen into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Herhusband is this morning gone a-birding: I havereceived from her another embassy of meeting; ‘twixteight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

FORD‘Tis past eight already, sir.

FALSTAFFIs it? I will then address me to my appointment.Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shallknow how I speed; and the conclusion shall becrowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shallhave her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shallcuckold Ford.

Exit

FORDHum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do Isleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!




there’s a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.This ’tis to be married! this ’tis to have linenand buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myselfwhat I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at myhouse; he cannot ‘scape me; ’tis impossible heshould; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil thatguides him should aid him, I will searchimpossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb gowith me: I’ll be horn-mad.

Exit

[The Merry Wives of Windsor – Act IV]




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The Merry Wives of Windsor - allthingsshakespeare.com€¦ · Web viewSHALLOWWhat, the sword and the word! do you study themboth, master parson? PAGEAnd youthful still! in your doublet