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side-splitting, gut-busting NEAR-DEATH tale of a 40-something mom-of-two packed with BURSTS of friendship, bodily functions, mystery, divorce, house-hunting, unemployment, hot doctors, bodily functions, suspense, PAIN, husband-thieves, bodily functions, bad food, hospital drama, bad language, drugs, craigslist, bodily fluids, literary intrigue, auto-correct and CSI. Oh, and beer. And wine.
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The Month
I Almost Died a texting memoir
a side-splitting, gut-busting NEAR-DEATH tale of
a 40-something mom-of-two
packed with BURSTS of friendship, bodily functions,
, divorce, house-hunting, unemployment,
, bodily functions, suspense, ,
husband-thieves, bodily functions, bad food,
hospital drama, bad language, , craigslist, bodily fluids,
literary intrigue and CSI. Oh, and beer. And wine.
PUBLISHED BY FUNCTIONALL BOOKS
160 Eberts St.
Victoria B.C. Canada V8S 3H7
Functionall Books
www.eslenglish.ca
© Functionall Books, 2012
All rights reserved.
This is dedicated to my family, friends and neighbours,
who supported, cooked, prayed, and quietly cheered me on;
to my surgeons, who saved my life and visited and called almost
every day just to “see how I was doing”;
to my nurses, unsung heroes, who do the unthinkable every single day;
to Karen, of course, whose sense of humour, fast thumbs, fabulous punctuation, and
inappropriate bedside manner kept my spirits up on the darkest days;
to my Mom, who held down many forts while holding me up;
and to my husband, Eric, who somehow kept it all together when
things seemed to be falling to pieces.
Thank God for all of you.
Prologue
March 10, 2 p.m.
Fiona (to Eric): “Honey, I’m not feeling very well. I’m just going to lie down upstairs.”
March 10, 7 p.m.
Emergency Room Doctor (to Fiona and Eric): “Well, your urine looks good. You probably have influenza.
If you start vomiting and/or get diarrhea, then it’s a norovirus.”
March 14, 8:39 p.m. From: Eric Bramble
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2012 08:39 PM
To: Eric <ericbramble@>
Subject: st paddys alert from brambles
Hello All,
Last Saturday at approx 2 pm Fiona went to lie down for a few minutes. It is Wednesday at 8:30 pm and she is still down.
Don’t get me wrong, she has a tinge of green to her as a tribute to her Irish roots but it is around the gills, not on her
rosy cheeks.
It looks like some kind of dreaded lergy has gotten hold of my lass and it is best not to congregate with others and ingest
food or beverage for a while. Sorry for the late notice and we hope you can find yourself in the comfort of some other
mad family willing to put up with the likes of you. REGRETFULLY WE ARE CALLING OFF OUR ST PADDYS PARTY.
Love E, F, K & T
PART 1: fighting?
Chapters
14/03: Or maybe a norovius? 16/03: Are you better? 20/03: Emerg. Stat. 21/03: If you aren’t using those organs, can I just…? 22/03: Crapsticks 23/03: To-do lists & not dying 24/03: Are you remembering to fart? 25/03: Mort 26/03: Pineapples & blue cheese 27/03: Wine & Footloose 28/03: What Fresh Hell Is This 29/03: The Jubilee Hilton 30/03: Wine is a fluid and so is blood 31/03: A coughing up a lung old man day 31/03: Lino dude & bedpans 01/04: Strong like an ox? 02/04: Oxycontin & sugar & beer 03/04: Happy Birthday! And poop. 04/04: Home
14/03: Or maybe a norovirus?
KAREN Oh NO. You poor thing. That’s terrible. Should I bring you chicken soup? 14/03, 09:15a
FIONA Day 5: norovirus 14/03, 09:13a
Can’t eat yet. Feel like I’ll never be human again 14/03, 09:18a
01/02: Aw. You will. What’s going on universe? [shakes fist at the heavens]. Why do things either have to be GREAT or TERRIBLE, with no middle ground. 14/03, 09:20a
02/02: lately? No fair. Do the kids have it too? 14/03, 09:20a
Mercifully and miraculously no and I’ve been quarantined since Saturday. Can you shake my fist for me too? 14/03, 09:23a
[shaking]. Unfair! Boo. Were you off work for spring break? 14/03, 09:38a
No 14/03, 09:38a
Just went to the bathroom and sweet Jesus I look like H B-C in Sweeney Todd 14/03, 09:47a
Ha! 14/03, 09:50a
You look like a movie star! 14/03, 09:51a
14/03, 09:53a
You’re awesome. Thanks for listening. Back to stomach cramps and hopefully zzzzzzs. Hope to see you very soon. xo 14/03, 09:54a
That’s not good. Do you get sick time, at least? Boo. 14/03, 09:44a
Not sure. It’s a short contract 14/03, 09:46a
That super sucks. I’m sorry. 14/03, 09:46a
Take care of you! Let me know if you need help. I can take Tru? Bring soup? 14/03, 09:57a
Have a good rest. xo 14/03, 09:57a
16/03: Are you better?
Are you better? Thinking of you! 16/03, 06:45p
No, not better. Can you believe it?! Still flat on my back. Wish we were sitting at Vista 18 sipping martinis. My cousin just showed up with a mint chocolate milkshake for me. Thanks for thinking of me. You ok? 16/03, 06:55p
01/03: Curtis and his idiot sl*t girlfriend just picked up the kids for his first weekend with them. I am not proud of how I behaved when idiot girl said, “it” 16/03, 06:55p
02/03: “SO nice to meet you, Karen”. On the plus side, I didn’t kill her, so will not go to jail. Hate. Off to buy wine and ice cream for dinner. I can’t 16/03, 06:55p
03/03: believe you are still sick! That’s just all wrong. 16/03, 06:55p
Oh, big step. You were dreading this. How were the kids and was Max with the semi-adults? 16/03, 06:58p
Tough one. Try not to think of the kids in the scuzzy hole. Wine! Ice cream! Mmmmmm. Enjoy your alone time xo 16/03, 07:01p
01/02: Luc was nervous, but ok. I think he didn’t hear me call Melissa a bitch. Ooops. It slipped out! Max (one week in) has decided he’d rather 16/03, 07:01p
02/02: stay with his mum, so he’s gone. 16/03, 06:55p
So was that under your breath or…?? 16/03, 07:01p
No, it was my outside voice. 16/03, 07:02p
Um, it stays hard but you have to find a place to put it blah blah blah
16/03, 07:03p
When does this shit stop being so hard? Sad. 16/03, 07:02p
It’s nice to MEET me? I’ve known her for years, I really wanted — in that moment— to hurt her. Really. Not a good feeling. 16/03, 07:04p
Did you give her that look? 16/03, 07:04p
I’d like to put it under my car and run it over. And by “it”, I mean “Curtis and Melissa”. 16/03, 07:05p
She’s a slutty selfish husband thief
16/03, 07:05p
Yes! Exactly. Thank you. 16/03, 07:05p
Bitch. 16/03, 07:08p
01/02: That was her clever retort when I said (hissed, really), “Karma is very unkind to people who sleep with their boss, while the boss’s wife is having surgery.” 16/03, 07:08p
xox and after the martini, I’ll kick her ass for you. 16/03, 07:11p
Totally. Thank you. She IS. Now go back to bed! Feel better, stat. Let me know when you need a martini. 16/03, 07:09p
She laughed in my face and said, “I know your little story, Karen.” 16/03, 07:06p
WHAT???!!!! 16/03, 07:06p
But what did she mean? 16/03, 07:07p
02/02: I…Hate her. 16/03, 07:08p
Ha. You are the best. Thank you. 16/03, 07:14p
20/03: Emerg. Stat.
@Vic General indefinitely. 20/03, 05:26p
What??? What happened??? 20/03, 05:57p
Strep A in my blood. Pneumonia. And some yet to be discovered pollutant as well. That’s in addition to what I had last week and am still fighting
20/03, 06:03p
Fi? Worrying. 20/03, 06:03p
Some top infectious dude is supposed to come in tonight 20/03, 06:04p
Oh my god. 20/03, 06:03p
Holy hell. You poor thing. 20/03, 06:05p
You must feel awful. Can I do something? Visit? Send stuff? Bring stuff? 20/03, 06:05p
Nothing to be done dear lady…just the occasional missive 20/03, 06:05p
I’m pretty freaked but my super chill metro-Indian doc is like…”wait and see, it’s all good”
20/03, 06:06p
No doubt! Poor Tru. 20/03, 06:07p
Just my kid that thinks I’m dying 20/03, 06:06p
Can you blog/facebook for me about how doc was stuffing his face with Ho Muffin* and coffee while discussing my very important case *Tim Horton’s baked goods 20/03, 06:12p
This is terrible. 20/03, 06:06p
Hang on, just signing some life changing papers. Don’t go anywhere.
20/03, 06:11p
Wait. Papers? House? Divorce? I’m right here 20/03, 06:14p
He’s obviously not worried about catching your infectious disease. Ho Muffin sounds like a good nickname for dislikable slutty girls.
20/03, 06:21p
I’m going to start using it and pretend I made it up. 20/03, 06:22p
Papers 20/03, 06:22p
……..? 20/03, 06:22p
House and divorce. 20/03, 06:23p
I can’t stand dealing with him. I can’t deal. 20/03, 06:25p
Shit. Messy. How ya feeling? 20/03, 06:26p
What’s the next step? She wasn’t there was she? 20/03, 06:27p
I think it’s time to move on and start fresh. I really do. And if I don’t die here, I will help you xox
20/03, 06:31p
You are Forbidden. I forbid dying. 20/03, 06:32p
Not allowed. Do you feel very terrible? (dumb question) 20/03, 06:32p
I still think it’s the right thing to do. Really. Next year you’ll be tossing your hair and laughing
20/03, 06:35p
21/03: If you aren’t using those organs, can I just…?
I do feel terrible and I want to punch my metro muffin dude 20/03, 06:35p
Ha ha. I feel like it’s right, too 20/03, 06:36p
Ho Muffin. 20/03, 06:37p
Dr. Ho (Muffin) 20/03, 06:37p
I am so sorry this is happening to you. What is wrong with the universe? You have had a crazy month.
20/03, 06:39p
I’m going in for surgery and I could lose A. My appendix or B. My tubes and ovaries
21/03, 09:17a
What? Oh my god, sweetie. This is CRaZINEss. 21/03, 09:18a
I’m hoping for appendix. 21/03, 09:19a
Sweet old man keeps telling me how sick I am and they need to save me
21/03, 09:19a
What sweet old man? 21/03, 09:20a
The surgeon 21/03, 09:20a
They DO need to save you. You can have my ovaries and tubes.
21/03, 09:20a
I don’t need those clunky things anymore. It’s just a bit of a shock.
21/03, 09:21a
Not sure “sweet old man” is inspiring confidence. When do you go in? Are you ok?
21/03, 09:21a
NO DOUBT. Want me to come up? Is someone hanging with you?
21/03, 09:22a
I’m going in any minute. Will be in ICU for recovery
21/03, 09:22a
Oh my god. 21/03, 09:23a
It’s going to be FINE. 21/03, 09:24a
You are going to be fine. Cakewalk. Surgeon has done this a thousand times.
21/03, 09:24a
Can you tell Eric to call me when you are out with a report?
21/03, 09:24a
Good luck. I love you. It’s going to be ok, promise. 21/03, 09:25a
I’ve called Eric but he’s…??? 21/03, 09:26a
What????? 21/03, 09:26a
He’ll be there when you wake up though, right? 21/03, 09:30a
Oh man, sweetie. I wish I could do something. Get someone to call when you are out. Even the sweet old surgeon!
21/03, 09:35a
I am thinking of you. And I am 100% sure you will be fine. “Right as rain” as my Gran would have said (and probably your sweet old surgeon, too).
21/03, 09:37a
Thinking of you. Hope you are on the other side and sleeping it off! Xo
21/03, 01:41p
Worrying, hope you are ok. 21/03, 06:29p
Just came to and feeling pretty thwacked. They took my appendix, one fallopian tube and an ovary and the infected piece of real estate upon which they all resided
21/03, 08:13p
Oh my god! You poor thing. I just called up there and all the nurse could tell me was that you were alive. Thank god. You must feel terrible.
21/03, 08:15p
What real estate was infected? And…How? Are you cured now or is it IV antibiotics for weeks?
21/03, 08:16p
You don’t have to answer now. You must be exhausted, so rest. Thanks for letting me know and GET BETTER.
21/03, 08:17p
I’m actually surprisingly calm about the whole surgery piece. Mainly I think cause now they can really clean up my blood and pneumonia
21/03, 08:18p
You still have one ovary/tube, right? So it won’t mess up your hormones. And appendices are overrated. Screw the appendix.
21/03, 08:19p
I’ve been on three separate iv antibiotics for almost 72 hours. I suspect it could be a few more days. Holy shit, hey?
21/03, 08:21p
You don’t do anything halfway, do you? 21/03, 08:22p
Sorry I’m so slow but I’m a bit out of it. Xox 21/03, 08:22p
Go to sleeeeeep. So glad you are ok. Xo 21/03, 08:22p
Thank you dear friend xox 21/03, 08:23p
BTW, I keep reading ‘TV’ antibiotics from your message and am wondering what wonderful form they might take
21/03, 08:26p
Oh! You are stoned. Lovely, lovely morphine. 21/03, 08:27p
21/03, 08:27p
What gave me away… 21/03, 08:28p
Ha! It’s like a martini that flows right into your arm. 21/03, 08:29p
Well they’ve given me a big bottle of grey goose and now I want some snacks
21/03, 08:31p
Stupid hospital. Where is your bowl of salted nuts for f*cks sake?
21/03, 08:32p
22/03: Crapsticks
21/03, 08:39p
Morning sunshine. Feeling stronger today. Had my first food in 12 days…oatmeal. With brown sugar. Totally edible.
22/03, 09:21a
Yay! Have you got any more info yet. 22/03, 10:44a
? 22/03, 10:44a
I am glad you are eating. I bought a house! Racing around today like a nutcase to try to both entertain kids and get this ready to sell.
22/03, 10:50a
01/02: Now my agent (book) wants a call. Uuuuuuuuh, scared. The only other agent who actually called me was calling to say she was leaving the business. Oof.
22/03, 11:18a
02/02: Nerve-wracking. I hope you are sleeping! Let me know what the doc says when he comes in. Sleep LOTS and enjoy your TV antibiotics.
22/03, 11:49a
Ok, now you’ve got me all in a lather…bought a house?!! Agent?!! Talk to me. Was just with physio and earlier entire family clan was in.
22/03, 11:49a
01/03: I’m at the chiro! Stupid back is out. My agent is quitting, I bet. She is calling me at 5. She was all, what time is that my time? Really? You can’t
22/03, 11:54a
02/03: figure that out? The last thing I need now is to be agent-free. Damn it. She won’t say if it is bad or good and won’t email it. Read: bad. Oh
22/03, 11:54a
03/03: NOooooooooo. But! Won’t know til later. How are you feeling? That is way more important!
22/03, 11:54a
I like to worry about someone else for a change 22/03, 12:00p
Chirp? Grrrrrr…Do you like and trust your agent? Why is she being a weeny? 22/03, 12:01p
Chiro 22/03, 12:02p
How bad is the back? My physio made me cough a lot. Now I’m tired and grumpy.
22/03, 12:03p
Aw. It was really bad yesterday, today is a bit better. 22/03, 12:03p
I bet she is quitting. Or dumping me for being slow to produce? Scared.
22/03, 12:04p
Is she a good agent? Is it hard to find a decent agent? 22/03, 12:05p
Um, not really. But she is kind if necessary. 22/03, 12:32p
Of 22/03, 12:32p
I don’t love her. I inherited her when my last agent quit. 22/03, 12:33p
I know you need an agent and change sucks. Let’s see what happens. Now tell me about the house!!!!
22/03, 12:41p
01/02: It backs on to a park. Tiny! Built in 1930-ish, but reno’d.
22/03, 12:56p
02/02: In a ubdivision that is kind of ick, but this is the original house. Tiny! Did I say that already? But charming.
22/03, 12:56p
And yours. Sounds wonderful for our commiseration evenings
22/03, 01:31p
Oh crapsticks, she quit. 22/03, 05:46p
I knew it. 22/03, 05:46p
[shakes fist at the universe] 22/03, 05:47p
You did know it. Crapsticks. Now what? 22/03, 05:47p
More importantly. 22/03, 05:47p
How are you feeling? 22/03, 05:47p
So-so. Actually eating actual chicken. 22/03, 05:48p
She says she’s going to help me find a place to land. We’ll see. Boo.
22/03, 05:48p
Did she say why? 22/03, 05:48p
Any news on your condition? 22/03, 05:49p
Mmmmmmmm. Tastes like chicken! 22/03, 05:48p
Not enough money to keep her afloat in NYC. 22/03, 05:49p
It’s a tough business, especially now. Sucks for me though. Other than making me rewrite this damn book 8 times, she never sold anything for me! Zut alors.
22/03, 05:51p
I’m on another antibiotic to combat some new unknown. Apparently my disease guy does not screw around. He’s cute too. And strong.* My surgeon popped in to chat and said I almost lost my uterus too. *um, weird –don’t know why I wrote that. 22/03, 05:48p
What IS it? What is causing it? Do they know? 22/03, 05:52p
That sucks about your agent but it’s understandable too. NYC is flippin expensive 22/03, 05:53p
So what about the book? 22/03, 05:54p
Enh. I’ll figure it out. I have to get the house ready first anyway! It will work out.
22/03, 05:54p
Well, I guess it’s the strep A infection in my blood and this little pneumonia thing that’s keeping my down. 22/03, 05:55p
23/03: To-do lists & not dying
Get house ready! Get house ready!!! Can’t wait to help you settle in new one!!! 22/03, 05:56p
How did you get strep in your blood? And organs? That’s what I don’t get.
22/03, 06:08p
Nobody knows. Sorry, mum was just here. There is a bit of a strange piece to that story (strange, egads, you say) that I will share down the line but it is all a big mystery at this stage. I’m about to take a sleeping pill, so chat in the morning xox 22/03, 08:17p
Stranger than all that’s happened so far? Can’t wait to hear. Have a good sleep. Xo
22/03, 08:18p
Xo
22/03, 08:18p
Waiting for cute doctor. How does your cold light of day look?
23/03, 09:17a
Scary. My to-do list is terrifying. But! Back is betterish! How are you?
23/03, 09:39a
01/02: Apparently I’ve had a “toxic shift”, which is really good, they say. I guess my body was frantically making half-formed white blood cells which were of no use to me, so the infection and
23/03, 09:45a
02/02: Fiona were neck in neck. Now I guess my white blood cells are beefing up and giving the strep A shit!! Nurse says I’ll start to feel a difference in a couple of days. This is big news.
23/03, 09:45a
Yay!!!!! 23/03, 09:48a
Now I can really start to fight the pneumonia. Did I tell you they put a spigot in my back to drain the pus around my lungs. Like a tap. They just punched a whole in my back.
23/03, 09:48a
Hole
23/03, 09:49a
A whole hole
23/03, 09:49a
Hole? 23/03, 09:49a
Just like M*AH*
23/03, 09:509a
Haha, um what? 23/03, 09:51a
Forget it. Too tech-tarded
23/03, 09:52a
I am slow. No coffee yet. or not enough. This is all good news though! So yay.
23/03, 09:53a
Yay! Go have a pot of coffee
23/03, 09:54a
I want to hear your story! I have a cup of coffee now. I need weird details.
23/03, 09:57a
But it’s not a very interesting or clever story…just a bit of a mystery.
23/03, 10:00a
Anyhoo…on the 10th, when I very first went to emerg and they sent me home with an influenza diagnosis, they had taken two urine samples and a battery of blood.
23/03, 10:03a
When I was rushed into emerg on the 19th, basically dying, some bright intern rediscovers the old samples and although I don’t know which one it was, one was growing strep a like a hothouse. That’s how they figured out what was wrong but they still don’t know how it jumped to my blood. I’m just saying there was some CSI at work. More to unravel.
23/03, 10:08a
Very mysterious! 23/03, 10:12a
And if you were in the US, you’d get rich from the lawsuit.
23/03, 10:12a
I am shuddering on your behalf. A tap? Ow. 23/03, 10:30a
Oh my god. YIKES. 23/03, 10:29a
And then there’s Eric…
And back to Karen…
How’s Tru doing with all of this? Luc would be freaking the hell out.
23/03, 10:30a
Tru’s not doing so well. He won’t come out anymore. I don’t blame him but I feel like Debra Winger
23/03, 04:56p
Ugh. That blows. How are you feeling? 23/03, 04:48p
Not bad. Sore, sick, and short of breath but not dying
23/03, 04:59p
No I’m ok
23/03, 04:47p
Farting up a storm over here. Doc will be pleased.
23/03, 04:48p
Do u want a coffee 23/03, 04:47p
Excellent. I knew you had it in you. Exo 23/03, 04:55p
Ha ha
23/03, 04:47p
How did the to-do list go today?
23/03, 04:59p
01/02: Not dying is good! I blew my back out again by painting the front stairs. Stairs look good though! Now am stoned on muscle relaxants and packing up the
23/03, 05:02p
02/02: kid’s rooms. 23/03, 05:02p
You go girl. Drink some wine for me. I’m so proud of you for plunging in xo
23/03, 05:04p
01/02: Ha! Thanks. I’m reading a book with dying chracters in it, and it’s sort of contagious. I feel like I am overcoming death! Heroic! And yet really
23/03, 05:06p
02/02: just have a sore back and no perspective. (do NOT read this book).
23/03, 05:06p
I’m proud of YOU. And still kind of stunned that all this happened.
23/03, 05:10p
You and me both. Bless you for your friendship.
23/03, 05:16p
Right back at you. Xo You need to worry just about getting better. Can I bring you anything?
23/03, 05:20p
You probably can’t see it but it basically says “fart”
23/03, 05:27p
This is my hospital to-do list. I shit you not 23/03, 05:24p
Pass gas! 23/03, 05:27p
24/03: Are you remembering to fart?
Yay Luc!!!
23/03, 05:37p
Ha! One day, you will look back on this and laugh. 23/03, 05:28p
23/03, 05:27p
Is it too soon?
23/03, 05:29p
Fart! I am going to ping you every hour to remind you. 23/03, 05:28p
01/02: Never too soon. Luc was laughing yesterday because Laura somehow poured milk UP the wall. And I was furious. Adding milk to mess is unhelpful.
23/03, 05:30p
02/02: And he said, but mummy, laughing is GOOD for you.” 23/03, 05:30p
Are you remembering to fart? 24/03, 12:55p
That gas is NOT going to pass itself, you know. 24/03, 01:07p
Are you ok today? You didn’t relapse, did you? 24/03, 06:42p
No…just too tired to do anything. Will update you tomorrow xox
24/03, 07:04p
Rest! Feel better. Thinking of you! 24/03, 07:05p
You too xo
24/03, 07:06p
25/03: Mort
Are you ok today? Worrying, sending you good healing thoughts. Xo
25/03, 12:11p
I’m ok. I’m depressed even though there have been positive steps
25/03, 03:50p
Doc said I have one of the deadliest infections known to man. Tru told me he thought I was going to mort
25/03, 03:52p
01/02: h sweetie. I am so sorry (and also freaked out for you). Can I come up and hang out soon? Or are you too tired for visits? I’m so
mad at the universe 25/03, 05:21p
02/02: for doing this to you. 25/03, 05:22p
But! Also grateful to the universe that you didn’t mort. 25/03, 05:22p
Don’t mort now. Not allowed. 25/03, 05:23p
Stupid bacteria. 25/03, 05:23p
No morting
25/03, 06:02p
26/03: Pineapples & blue cheese
Would love to see you for quick visits – late morning – early afternoon
25/03, 06:14p
Yay! Will come tomorrow morning before I get Laura from school. Do you have any wants from the outside world?
25/03, 06:21p
No wants just you xo
25/03, 07:09p
What’s your room number? 25/03, 07:10p
VGH South 704
25/03, 07:18p
01/02: k! Can’t wait to see you. And if you change your mind about wanting something, ping me in the morning. I’ll definitely be grabbing coffee downstairs
25/03, 07:20p
02/02: Can I at least bring you a T-ho? 25/03, 07:20p
On my way! Want coffee? 26/03, 09:32a
No thank you
26/03, 09:53a
Sooooooooooooooo good to see you today
26/03, 02:13p
They want to do another back tap
26/03, 03:43p
So good to see you. Did you see the doctor? 26/03, 03:44p
OH NO. F*cker. That suuuuuuuuucks. 26/03, 03:44p
No doc yet but another CT scan and a few tears
26/03, 03:45p
Bugger. What is the scan for? Pneumonia? 26/03, 03:48p
Yeah
26/03, 03:48p
I’m sorry you are sad. As far as I’m concerned, you’re being heroic though. This is unbelievably shitty.
26/03, 03:49p
You’re lovely. I miss the kids
26/03, 03:50p
I know. They probably miss you like crazy. I thought Eric was bringing them after school?
26/03, 03:51p
Too busy today. Kieran has cadets at 5
26/03, 03:51p
Sucks. 26/03, 03:52p
I have to stop being a baby and name my damn pineapple already. I’m thinking Cox 26/03, 03:53p
Cocks. 26/03, 03:53p
Hospitals are horrible. It’s lonely. This is not a good time to feel lonely. So, boo. It’s all so effed up.
26/03, 03:53p
Suckers 26/03, 03:53p
Thanks friend 26/03, 03:54p
‘Suckers’ can be his last name. 26/03, 03:54p
Perf 26/03, 03:54p
Cox Suckers Jr III 26/03, 03:55p
I’m coming up after drop off in the morning. Any wishes? 26/03, 03:59p
26/03, 03:55p
Let me think. I’m suddenly starving. Yay!!! But you have a lot of work to do…don’t sacrifice too much
26/03, 04:01p
Starving is AWESOME. Is no trouble! 26/03, 04:02p
I’m going to finish the packing/putting away tonight. The cleaners will be here in the morning. Tomorrow I am kidless until dinnertime. I have time in the morning! Tell me what to bring.
26/03, 04:04p
They are torturing the old woman in the room across from me and it is excruciating to hear
26/03, 04:10p
Remember guy with filthy kitchen/dead bird? He just texted me a long happy birthday message. Uh, my birthday is in June?
26/03, 04:11p
Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww
26/03, 04:12p
He gave back the lawn mower, at least. 26/03, 04:16p
I don’t even know what to say to him. Go away, crazy person! 26/03, 04:13p
Aw, poor lady. 26/03, 04:12p
That’s it
26/03, 04:12p
Alpen cereal original, that’s what I want greedy me
26/03, 04:16p
Easy! 26/03, 04:17p
I’m just glad you are hungry. 26/03, 04:17p
And then there’s Deanna…
26/03, 04:17p
Hopefully they’ll remember my dinner tonight
26/03, 04:17p
I hope it’s something good. Wings and beer! 26/03, 04:18p
Hahaaaaa can’t wait for a beer! 26/03, 04:19p
Hurry up and get better, would you? 26/03, 04:20p
I’m ok sweetums. I’m just going to rest. Smoooooch.
26/03, 05:20p
But I do want to know if Snooki will make a good mother or not? 26/03, 05:24p
Hey love, have you got or do want some company this evening? 26/03, 05:14p
And back to Karen…
This is what they sent me for dinner tonight 26/03, 05:35p
Oh my god! No wonder you are hungry. 26/03, 05:37p
They are idiots
26/03, 05:38p
Make a grocery list! I’ll bring you a steak and potatoes. 26/03, 05:41p
What kind? 26/03, 06:02p
Cheese and crackers
26/03, 06:00p
Dunno…do you think I’m allowed blue or perhaps it has to be something more pedestrian
26/03, 06:06p
Mmmmmm, blue. 26/03, 06:07p
Ask a nurse? Blue might be one of those ones that does weird things with medicine.
26/03, 06:08p
27/03: Wine & Footloose
Cheese, crackers, Alpen and…? 27/03, 08:45a
That’s it!
27/03, 08:45a
You Angel!
27/03, 08:45a A real orange juice
27/03, 08:47a
Got it! On my way… 27/03, 08:49a
Hoping the tap went ok? REST. Thinking of you! 27/03, 02:03p
It was way worse I cried a lot but they gave me morphine after
27/03, 02:54p
Oh no, you poor thing. F*cker. 27/03, 05:25p
Cox Sucker III
27/03, 05:25p
How are you feeling now? 27/03, 05:34p
Sore but ok. I’m sitting in a big chair like a big girl in my wonderpants looking out the window and at my flowers and at “Jo-jo” (Tru named the pineapple)
27/03, 05:48p
Sitting up is good! Yay! Jojo must be proud. 27/03, 05:56p
He’s smiling at me right noe
27/03, 05:57p
27/03, 05:58p
Now
27/03, 05:57p
How’s your back? Turns out the lady across from me is actually dying
27/03, 06:01p
I am having WINE. 27/03, 06:01p
YAYAYAYYIPPEEEEE!!! Have a dribble for me
27/03, 06:02p
Oh god. Awful. Poor lady. 27/03, 06:02p
28/03: What Fresh Hell Is This
Back is ok! Except if I sit. Boo. But really cannot complain! 27/03, 06:02p
She has her three children with her. She’s at least 90. 27/03, 06:04p
Morting is sad. 27/03, 06:04p
Wine
27/03, 06:04p
Wine and…Footloose. Eff the house, I’m taking a break. 27/03, 06:05p
I hope I see 90. New rule: no morting before 90. 27/03, 06:06p
No morting before 90. Deal.
27/03, 06:07p
How are you this morning? 28/03, 09:06a
Feeling good. Detachable iv. Going on walkies.
28/03, 09:14a
Walking is awesome. Are you breathing better? 28/03, 09:15a
How are you? Did you loosen up your back drinking wine and grooving to ‘let’s hear it for the boy’?
28/03, 09:17a
I think so. I guess I snorted out my oxygen tube in the night and it was no problem
28/03, 09:15a
01/02: I fell asleep with Laura! My back sucks, but I can still move around, so that’s good. Oh, and this just in: cheap wine = brutal heartburn. Footloose
28/03, 09:17a
02/02: will have to wait for tonight. 28/03, 09:17a
Good about the tube. Maybe the tap worked? 28/03, 09:18a
New rule: no more cheap wine
28/03, 09:18a
Tap shmap. I did the work. I hate those tap people. 28/03, 09:19a
Totally. I nearly choked to death like a pathetic rock star. What an embarrassing way to mort.
28/03, 09:19a
Jahaaaaaaaaaa. NO MORTING
28/03, 09:20a
Gotta plug on my phone
28/03, 09:20a
In
28/03, 09:20a
K. I gotta go deal with the junk guys. Goodbye all the kids’ plastic outdoor toys! Good riddance. I am feeling very much like purging everything I own.
28/03, 09:21a
Bad news. They are going to put a large chest tube in now ‘cause the mfer painful tap isn’t working. I’m actually scared.
28/03, 04:04p
When? 28/03, 04:05p
What? 28/03, 04:05p
Holy f*ck! 28/03, 04:05p
Right now? 28/03, 04:13p
Waiting for the time. 28/03, 04:16p
F*ck. I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m coming up in the morning. 28/03, 04:23p
F*ck. I’m sorry. See you in the morning. 28/03, 04:27p
Let me know the time. 28/03, 04:28p
Don’t be scared, sweetie 28/03, 04:31p
It’s going to be ok. 28/03, 04:31p
Thank you. I’m telling myself that too but I don’t believe it. 28/03, 04:42p
I believe it. 28/03, 04:44p
I WILL be fine. 28/03, 04:45p
YES 28/03, 04:48p
Totally fine. PLUS all the ativan you want. 28/03, 04:50p
Are they doing it today? 28/03, 04:50p
Morphine and still waiting to hear 28/03, 04:53p
Morphine dreams! It will be ok. 28/03, 04:57p
They do this all the time. 28/03, 04:57p
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, as the kids would say. 28/03, 04:58p
Being transferred to Jube tomorrow 28/03, 09:29p
Why? I mean, that’s great because it’s closer, but what’s the reason?
28/03, 09:30p
29/03: The Jubilee Hilton
Tube surgeon is a Jube dude 28/03, 09:32p
Ohhhhhhhhhh. Are you ok? Did they give you ativan? I don’t want you to be scared. I know it’s going to be ok. It will work. Then it will be over and you can mend.
28/03, 09:36p
I’ve just taken my Ativan now onto the sleeping pill. I WILL survive! 28/03, 09:38p
Totally. You are going to kick ass. I’m not even worried! You have it nailed. Have a good sleep and ping me in the morning to let me know where you are! See you after drop off.
28/03, 09:45p
Still at VGH…waiting on a bed. Could be any minute 29/03, 09:37a
Where are you, lovely? 29/03, 09:09a
Am in parking lot! Grabbing coffee. Want anything? 29/03, 09:38a
Not allowed. Surgery. 29/03, 09:39a
Doh, of course. . Sorry. 29/03, 09:39a
Gorgeous room and view. We could have coffee all morning!!! 29/03, 01:48p
Jubilee Hilton N754. 29/03, 01:48p
But I do want! 29/03, 09:40a
Perhaps even cheese and crackers. 29/03, 01:49p
Waiting to see surgeon 29/03, 01:49p
Good luck! I’ll be up in the morning. Just upgrading my iPhone, so may be offline for a bit. Let me know what surgeon says.
29/03, 01:56p
It’s going to be FINE. I know it. 29/03, 01:56p
Will do xo 29/03, 01:57p
How are you feeling? 29/03, 01:57p
Starving 29/03, 01:59p
Tired 29/03, 01:59p
But pk 29/03, 01:59p
Drugged yet? 29/03, 02:04p
Ativan ftw. 29/03, 02:05p
Ok, not pk 29/03, 02:05p
No drugs yet. I think they might put me under 29/03, 02:06p
Ok, thinking of you! Xo you’re a star. 29/03, 02:09p
This is the first ever message I am sending from my new iPhone. So far, it’s basically the same as my old iPhone. More importantly, how are your lungs?
29/03, 02:09p
30/03: Wine is a fluid and so is blood
Didn’t get back to my room from surgery till 2 a.m., sleeping pill not working worth a damn. Pretty sore. Will text your fancy iPhone in the morning. Xo
30/03, 04:52a
On my way up! Want any T-Ho? 30/03, 08:53a
Coffee!!!!!!!! 30/03, 08:57a
Cream and sugar? 30/03, 08:59a
Just cream…and strong!! Please and thank you
30/03, 09:00a
Well? Any weeders or lino dudes?
30/03, 05:13p
Ha! This one guy came by to do the garden. In a brand new Audi. $600, he said. I guess he makes over $100/hr! Nice. And he wasn’t even going to do it properly, just shovel it out.
30/03, 05:33p
So some guy from Craigslist is doing it for $20/hr on Sunday. Hope he doesn’t stand me up.
30/03, 05:34p
How are you feeling? 30/03, 05:34p
Yay Craigslist! I’m sure he’ll show. I’m actually feeling much better, that is until my dinner of chicken broth and banana pudding arrived.
30/03, 06:16p
Did you get that apple crisp? 30/03, 06:25p
Banana pudding. Ewwwwww. 30/03, 06:25p
He better! 30/03, 06:25p
I’m on this stupid fluid only diet. Mmmmmm apple crisp
30/03, 06:27p
You are saying! I’m still craving that beer. 30/03, 06:30p
Wine is a fluid. Just sayin’. 30/03, 06:28p
Me too. Beer on a patio somewhere. 30/03, 06:33p
What about my penthouse suite?!
30/03, 06:33p
That works. 30/03, 06:34p
30/03, 06:34p
Wait til you kick your morphine habit though. 30/03, 06:37p
Why? 30/03, 06:39p
Whoo! Toothless ex-junkie lino guy is showing up at 9 tomorrow! Winning.
30/03, 06:39p
Yay!!! 30/03, 06:40p
I don’t know? 30/03, 06:40p
30/03, 06:40p
I’m bringing beer tomorrow. Eff it 30/03, 06:40p
Just a little one? Hey, you’re busy tomorrow with house and kids. Take a Fiona break.
30/03, 06:42p
I’m kidless! Weekend at Daddy’s. But your mum is there, right? Why don’t you ping me when you want company? Or coffee? Or beer? Or both. Your five minutes away now.
30/03, 06:43p
30/03, 06:44p
You’re. Doh. 30/03, 06:43p
Ok. I’ll ping ya. Xox 30/03, 06:45p
Tackling. 30/03, 06:46p
X 30/03, 06:46p
Have a good rest! SLEEP. I’m tacking the basement. 30/03, 06:46p
Forgot to tell you they want to do a blood transfusion 30/03, 08:05p
Good. That will make you feel better. Feeling elderly better is not Just for the elderly!
30/03, 08:10p
Don’t worry about the risks then? I’m not feeling lucky these days.
30/03, 08:15p
Hmmmm. Depends. Should I google “risks”? What are the risks?
30/03, 08:16p
Hep C and HIV 30/03, 08:16p
Really? The blood isn’t screened? WTF? 30/03, 08:17p
1 in 1 million for Hep C…1 in 3 mill for HIV 30/03, 08:19p
Well, shit. I guess it’s an acceptable risk. It’s super low. 30/03, 08:20p
Not feeling lucky 30/03, 08:20p
Stupid? 30/03, 08:20p
Ugh. Is it optional? Google isn’t reassuring. 30/03, 08:21p
My hemoglobin is 70 – supposed to be 150 30/03, 08:22p
I mean, it’s really really low risk. I think they are just such scary words, it makes even ‘tiny’ seem like a lot.
30/03, 08:22p
I’m just a big fat chicken 30/03, 08:23p
No! You are smart to weigh risks. Who said you needed one? Doc said 70 was acceptable.
30/03, 08:24p
Dr. Google says UNDER 70 is transfusion-worthy. 70 is ok.
30/03, 08:26p
Yeah, but he was singing a different tune today 30/03, 08:28p
We’re supposed to “decide” tomorrow 30/03, 08:29p
Below 60, definitely. I don’t know. 70-90 seems to be the goal, post- op. Did he say why?
30/03, 08:29p
31/03: A coughing up a lung old man day
Move things along I think 30/03, 08:30p
Maybe it will get higher overnight? Then you won’t have to worry. These risks are tiny though. And it might get you home sooner…
30/03, 08:31p
It will DEFINITELY make you feel better. 30/03, 08:33p
Thanks sweetums xo 30/03, 08:30p
Don’t panic. It’s going to work out. Take some of that lovely Ativan and try to rest. You can have my blood! It’s clean.
30/03, 08:31p
Oh no. But does that mean that all the crap in your lungs is finally loose enough to cough up?
31/03, 08:04a
Today is not a pretty day. It is a coughing up a lung old man ugly day 31/03, 07:59a
YES!!! 31/03, 08:04a
So that’s good! Are you transfusing yet? 31/03, 08:05a
No doc yet. Waiting for breakfast and the day’s plan. 31/03, 08:06a
Jello, FTW. 31/03, 08:06a
Yellow Jello methinks 31/03, 08:07a
Mmmmmmmmm. That’ll give you strength. We need to invent some kind of Jello that is actually infused with protein and vitamins. Then hospitals can continue to pretend Jello is a meal, but patients might actually get some benefit from it.
31/03, 08:09a
Exactly. WTF…how is anyone supposed to get stronger? I’m going to eat the rice krispie square Deanna left if I don’t get some food soon.
31/03, 08:11a
It’s a mystery to me. Jello is sugar and food coloring. What is the benefit of that? Dumb. You need bacon and eggs.
31/03, 08:14a
Oh, bacon and eggs…yes please 31/03, 08:17a
Hemo is 61 so no choice now 31/03, 08:21a
Oh f*ck. No choice, no. Wtf? Why is it dropping? Do you have an internal bleed? Are they calling a surgeon?
31/03, 08:29a
I don’t know what’s going on. I just feel like crap. 31/03, 08:33a
I’m sorry, sweetie. It will definitely make you feel better. But it sucks. Wtf? I wish you could just catch a break.
31/03, 08:34a
What time is your mum coming? 31/03, 08:35a
1 pm. Doc was just in and thinks the infection just wiped out too much of my blood. He’s doing an xray to make sure no blood is collecting in my lungs.
31/03, 08:40a
Ok. Well, that’s good. You aren’t coughing up blood are you?
31/03, 08:41a
No 31/03, 08:46a
Good. 31/03, 08:48a
It’s going to be ok. The new blood will give you the strength you need.
31/03, 08:48a
31/03, 09:00a
And Eric…
Maybe it’s not a good time to come. They have to do transfusion asap
31/03, 08:51a
No thanks.
31/03, 08:51a
Morning baby, we are coming by around 830. How you doin? Exo 31/03, 07:19a
Wanna coffee 31/03, 08:50a
I’m really not doing so great
31/03, 08:52a
Wtf. Tru is real keen but we can abort. E 31/03, 08:53a
No, I want to see T really bad
31/03, 08:54a
I’m just not looking so good
31/03, 08:54a
There asap 31/03, 08:55a
31/03: Lino dude & bedpans
Doing ok, lovely? Am worrying about you. 31/03, 11:53a
I’m ok. First part of transfusion is done. I’m running a bit of a fever, so trying to catch a nap. Will ping xox
31/03, 12:04p
Ok, good sleep. Feel better. Sending you good-health vibes. Xo
31/03, 12:05p
Xo 31/03, 12:09p
Did the lino dude and weeding fellow show? 31/03, 05:01p
I can have food!!!!!! 31/03, 05:02p
Yay! And? Better-USB? 31/03, 05:02p
Transfusions are done 31/03, 05:02p
Lino dude has been here all day. He’s beginning to depress me. How are you feeling???
31/03, 05:02p
Still there? Why on earth? 31/03, 05:03p
Ish. Not USB. Wtf spellcheck? 31/03, 05:03p
Weird 31/03, 05:03p
I think he’s…Mentally challenged. 31/03, 05:04p
Because he is not a good LISTENER. 31/03, 05:03p
The lino dude? 31/03, 05:03p
School him 31/03, 05:03p
Do you feel strong and fierce now? 31/03, 05:04p
I gathered that from the toothless comment 31/03, 05:04p
Not strong nor fierce just not face down 31/03, 05:04p
Hmmmm. Well, not face down is better than face down.
31/03, 05:04p
Urination misadventures today 31/03, 05:05p
Who did you pee on? 31/03, 05:05p
Bedpan overfloweth 31/03, 05:06p
Myself 31/03, 05:05p
Aw. Ew. It’s a much funnier story if you hit someone else with the spray.
31/03, 05:06p
Commode FTW! 31/03, 05:07p
Then we tried the commode 31/03, 05:06p
Well, they had to sponge bath me and change the disgusting sheets so it was not all in vain
31/03, 05:07p
Ha. Well, good. Every time the bed gets sweaty, just pee in it. Clean sheets! Magic!
31/03, 05:08p
Hee hee…just pee!!!! 31/03, 05:09p
Have you ever tried to wipe yourself on a commode with a giant white tube hanging out of your side while having a blood transfusion?
31/03, 05:09p
Um…No. Never! 31/03, 05:10p
Let me think… 31/03, 05:10p
It’s very challenging. Oh, and with someone watching 31/03, 05:10p
Haaaaaa. No, I totally can’t pee with an audience. 31/03, 05:11p
Get rid of the lino dude. He CANNOT spend the night. 31/03, 05:12p
He used my hand towel to block off the toilet hole. 31/03, 05:13p
He hates me. 31/03, 05:15p
Sorry. Whisked off to xray. Is Mr. Disgusting gone? 31/03, 06:53p
NO. Omg, you will not believe this. He broke the toilet, flooded the ceiling, f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck,
31/03, 06:54p
F*ck. 31/03, 06:54p
Wtf? How did he do that? 31/03, 06:54p
Sweet Jesus. 31/03, 06:54p
I don’t know! He had to move the toilet to do the floor? 31/03, 06:55p
It was the washer! The bolt! The wax ring! 31/03, 06:56p
OMG. This sounds like a movie nightmare thing 31/03, 06:56p
Ridonkulous! 31/03, 06:56p
I would kill him if I didn’t then have to hide the body. 31/03, 06:58p
I’m concerned 31/03, 06:58p
You’re alone with dimwit and it’s getting dark 31/03, 06:59p
He’s a few bricks short a load 31/03, 07:00p
I think he is almost done. The tap is dripping but I don’t want him to try and fix it, for f*cks sake.
31/03, 07:00p
TEN hours to install a piece of lino 6ft x 6ft! 31/03, 07:01p
I hate him. 31/03, 07:01p
I hate him 31/03, 07:01p
Never mind that, how are you? What did X-ray say? 31/03, 07:03p
Xray dude would not reveal his secrets 31/03, 07:03p
I’m not paying. Curtis can. F*ck that noise. 31/03, 07:01p
You text swear really fabulously 31/03, 07:02p
31/03, 07:02p
Everyone has a skill. I text swear and do really well on standardized tests. That’s about it though.
31/03, 07:02p
X-ray guys are often inscrutable. 31/03, 07:03p
Do you feel better yet? 31/03, 07:04p
Semi-better. Dr. D said I might even go home Tuesday!!!! 31/03, 07:05p
For real?????? 31/03, 07:05p
That means wine, right? 31/03, 07:06p
Oh my god, that is great! 31/03, 07:06p
For realsies 31/03, 07:06p
Get a tube or two out tomorrow and start rocking this floor
31/03, 07:06p
Tuesday is the day everything turns around. I know it. You home. Luc’s birthday. First open house.
31/03, 07:07p
Yay Tuesday! 31/03, 07:07p
I hiding in the basement do he doesn’t talk to more. My house reeks of smoker.
31/03, 07:07p
I’m hiding in the basement so he doesn’t talk to me more. Grammar fail.
31/03, 07:07p
I’m feeling creeped out for you 31/03, 07:08p
Get rid of him!!!!! 31/03, 07:09p
He just left! 31/03, 07:13p
He was all “Call anytime! I can help with lots of things!” Uh, no?
31/03, 07:14p
But! As he lives in a mental health unit, there is always someone there to answer the phone.
31/03, 07:16p
OMG 31/03, 07:16p
So that’s handy. 31/03, 07:16p
I’m so glad he’s gone 31/03, 07:17p
I hope the gardener is competent. I have my doubts though. 31/03, 07:16p
Deanna is bringing me scrambled eggs in the morning and my cousin is bringing a big wheel burger for lunch. I am suddenly obsessed with food.
31/03, 07:19p
Random interjection 31/03, 07:19p
At least the gardener can’t break anything 31/03, 07:20p
I’m sure the gardener can break things. And will. 31/03, 07:21p
Yay! I’m so glad you are hungry. The transfusion was the answer.
31/03, 07:21p
I hope the gardener is competent. I have my doubts though.
31/03, 07:21p
What is a Big Wheel burger? 31/03, 07:21p
What???!!!? 31/03, 07:21p
What what? 31/03, 07:21p
My cousin, who wants to meet you because I told him you are hot, is part owner
31/03, 07:23p
It’s all the rage 31/03, 07:24p
I have not had Big Wheel! I’ve been robbed! 31/03, 07:26p
Tomorrow 11:30 my penthouse suite 31/03, 07:24p
Ooooh, tempting. But I have to garden with Honey-do Dave.
31/03, 07:26p
Honey-do Dave? 31/03, 07:28p
Craigslist. He sounded harmless. He’s probably 200 years old.
31/03, 07:28p
I like the sound of him 31/03, 07:29p
Wear gloves….there’s bacteria in that soil 31/03, 07:30p
Toooooooo late. 31/03, 07:30p
01/04: Strong like an ox?
Noooooo!!!! Gloves!!!!! 31/03, 07:31p
Ok, chicken, you have a good night. I can relax now knowing dimwit is gone.
31/03, 07:31p
I’m aiming for wine! Have a good rest. Xo 31/03, 07:34p
How are you this morning? Strong like an ox? 01/04, 08:43a
Well, this morning I felt like a crappy bag of crap but I am starting to feel a bit better. They are going to take one chest tube out…yay!!! Ouch. How goes the gardening?
01/04, 01:04p
Did you just call me a Ho? 01/04, 01:05p
Hahaaaaa 01/04, 01:06p
More importantly: did you eat a burger? 01/04, 01:06p
No. Too nauseated from drugs. 01/04, 01:09p
Oh NO. That is shitty. 01/04, 01:10p
I’m sorry. About the burger. When are they de-tubing you? What’s your hemoglobin today?
01/04, 01:10p
89 01/04, 01:12p
Good! 01/04, 01:13p
My dad fixed the toilet! Huzzah. 01/04, 03:04p
And he’s back: “Wish me luck. I’m getting married” (dead bird guy)
01/04, 03:19p
He’s never going to leave me alone, is he? 01/04, 03:20p
WTF?!!!! 01/04, 03:39p
Dead bird guy is getting married and your dad fixed the toilet. I’m so confused.
01/04, 04:02p
Ha. Yes. Except dead bird guy isn’t getting married; it’s a trick to get me to text him back! Unrelated: dad fixed toilet.
01/04, 04:13p
Seriously?! Birdman not Dad. 01/04, 05:02p
Yes! How do I make him go away? “Ignore” is not working.
01/04, 05:03p
Tell him you’re getting married too 01/04, 05:04p
To a woman! 01/04, 05:04p
CHAZ! 01/04, 05:05p
Totally. 01/04, 05:06p
Tell me how you are. 01/04, 05:08p
Better. Down one tube and hoping rest come out tomorrow. Don’t need drugs if I don’t have tubes. Won’t have nausea if I don’t have drugs. Sounds like going home and wine time!
01/04, 05:10p
02/04: Oxycontin & sugar & beer
Yay, yes. Stupid tubes. But it must have worked if they are taking them out?
01/04, 05:13p
Yes. My xrays “looked good” and there’s not much coming out, so…bugger off weird plastic things inside my body
01/04, 05:15p
YES. Totally. 01/04, 05:16p
No thanks. 02/04, 08:53a
Coming up after junk guys leave. What can I bring? Life-giving coffee?
02/04, 08:50a
Want anything at all? I am in Safeway as we speak. The world is your oyster! Well, sort of.
02/04, 08:55a
Oh, change of plans, coming now. 01/04, 09:00a
Sorry about being stoned out of my head earlier. And the drool. Still was good to see your face and sad Cher won’t buy Chaz a penis. Do we have to do EVERYTHING?!
02/04, 03:42p
I think maybe it should be like “grow-a-reader” – “grow-a-penis”. What do you think? Are you feeling better?
02/04, 04:01p
Oooooooohh 02/04, 04:35p
I’m feeling better. They switched me to that super-addictive drug oxy-whatsit, about which I jokingly said to Eric about a month ago: if I’m in the hospital and they try to give me that, don’t let them
02/04, 04:38p
Drat. 02/04, 05:02p
But OxyContin! Totes trendy! 02/04, 05:02p
Weird huh but it is so far waaaaaayyy better than morphine
02/04, 05:03p
It must be good! All the celebs use it. It should be endorsed by the stars.
02/04, 05:04p
By Chaz even 02/04, 05:05p
Ha! See? OxyContin gives you marketing genius! We can get OxyContin to sponsor Chaz’s telethon.
02/04, 05:07p
Perf. Hey, have a good night with the kids. All ready for the big events tomorrow? Excited? Nervous? You are so strong to have just made a decision and moved on.
02/04, 05:07p
We’ll see how it goes! Almost everything is done, except birthday wrapping, etc. We are going to Moxie’s tonight for the special volcano dessert. We have already had giant pre-birthday cupcakes. Sugar high!
02/04, 05:09p
You’re an awesome Mum. Have fun!!!! 02/04, 05:10p
Be there or be square. 02/04, 05:11p
Xo. See you after drop off tomorrow! 02/04, 05:10p
I’ll be here and not drooling; I promise! 02/04, 05:12p
Beeeeeer! Get out of there, quick! Is yummy. 02/04, 06:15p
Beer. Mmmmmm. Wine. Mmmmmmmm. 02/04, 06:16p
Stop teasing me 02/04, 06:16p
03/04: Happy Birthday! And poop.
Motivating you! Get better already! 02/04, 06:17p
02/04, 06:17p
02/04, 06:276p
Happy Birthday, Luc!!! Well done, Mummy!! 03/04, 06:22a
03/04, 06:57a
I just pooped out a house 03/04, 08:10a
Ha ha. Eeeew 03/04, 08:36a
And the nurse just sniffed it: “Doesn’t smell like c. diff.” 03/04, 08:38a
Seriously. Do a real test or something. 03/04, 08:38a
Nooooooooooo 03/04, 08:39a
Seriously. 03/04, 08:39a
On my way! Want any coffee or the like? 03/04, 08:48a
Ok…hottie doctor was just in. 03/04, 04:36p
He said that while he didn’t want to call it “negligence”, he said there was a “missed opportunity” to treat me
03/04, 04:36p
Lawsuit! 03/04, 04:47p
He also entertained the catheter theory 03/04, 04:48p
Always thinking you are. I think a sternly worded letter is a minimum when you are up to it. Maybe the bitchy nurse will be more careful in the future.
03/04, 04:49p
He said it only takes 2 days for strep to grow and someone should have made the connection
03/04, 04:50p
TWO days? They should have called you days ago. 03/04, 04:52p
I mean, days before. 03/04, 04:52p
Yes. 03/04, 04:52p
Forgot the most important part. Duh. Dr. Hottie said if I had been put on penicillin on day 3 or 4, NONE of this would have happened
03/04, 05:15p
What????? 03/04, 05:17p
Law+suit 03/04, 05:19p
Don’t want to upset my karma…as good as it is 03/04, 05:19p
You nearly DIED. Not ok. 03/04, 05:17p
Um, true 03/04, 05:20p
Maybe I’ll talk to a lawyer for an opinion 03/04, 05:20p
Do it. I would. Seriously. Not for the money, but so there is a repercussion.
03/04, 05:22p
04/04: Home
Policy change. Follow up. Why keep an f*ing sample if you’re not going to follow up?
03/04, 05:23p
No kidding. That is irresponsible. Is that the lab or the hospital?
03/04, 05:24p
Hospital. The sample was sitting in emerg 03/04, 05:25p
F*ckers. 03/04, 05:28p
They’re kicking me out at 10 am. Should we reconvene at my house Thursday morning?
04/04, 05:47a
Yay!!!! 04/04, 07:34a
So? Are you at home??? 04/04, 11:21a
Home. Just napped and showered and now exhausted again
04/04, 02:50p
Rest! I’m so glad you are home!!! 04/04, 11:21a
