THE NAR-ANON THIRTY-SIX · THE NAR-ANON THIRTY-SIX Steps Four - Nine Presentedtothefellowship(onDecember(3,(2013(forapprovalatWSC2014(© 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights …

THE NAR-ANON THIRTY-SIX

Steps Four - Nine

Presented to the fellowship

on December 3, 2013 for approval at WSC 2014

© 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights reserved. PENDING - Conference Approval

B206B ~ 13-11-19 Nar-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

22527 Crenshaw Blvd. Suite 200B Torrance, CA 90505

(310) 534-8188 — (800) 477-6291 www.nar-anon.org

Pending Conference Approval For Fellowship Review Purposes Only Introduction - Page 1 © 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights reserved.

Pending Conference Approval For Approval Review Purposes Only STEP FOUR - Page 2 © 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights reserved.

STEP FOUR

Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The first three steps of our program introduced us to honesty, hope, and faith. Step Four now asks us to apply what we have learned in order to take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Understanding ourselves is essential for our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. A personal inventory is a helpful tool for making progress in our recovery. Taking an inventory may be a new idea because we often put the focus on others. Nar-Anon is a program for improving our own lives. It takes courage to look at our unhealthy behaviors. We may be afraid of letting go of behaviors, traits, and feelings we thought had served us well in the past. In this step we are asked to reflect on them. It is important to remember and acknowledge that many of us lost touch with our feelings and need to rediscover ourselves. For many of us the first searching and fearless moral inventory may seem overwhelming. We have fears, resentments, and anger that leave no room for growth. Frustration, pain, and unmanageability brought us into the rooms of Nar-Anon. When we face our powerlessness and inability to manage our own lives, we turn to our belief in a Higher Power who can restore us to sanity. Now we can focus on changing ourselves. We identify our self-defeating and harmful behaviors and recognize our positive traits and accomplishments. We begin the process of practicing honesty with others and ourselves. We stop ignoring, hiding, covering up, and denying there is room for improvement in our lives. We become fearless in discovering what is working in our lives and what is hurting us and others. Soon we discover it is exciting to realize the life-affirming attributes within ourselves. Our Fourth Step is cleansing, a turning over of soil, which makes our burdens lighter. Similar to the lifting of denial when we first learned about the problem of addiction, we are now dealing with our own problems instead of the addict’s. We become healthy as a result of pruning and weeding. We call things as they are. If they are weeds, we call them weeds. If they are flowers, we enjoy their beauty. We are beginning to appreciate ourselves. Perhaps if we look upon this inventory as a harvest of our inner garden, we will benefit from knowing our strengths, weaknesses, triumphs, and our self-destructive behaviors. We ask ourselves…

Are we possessive or jealous? Are we determined to do things our way? Are we intolerant of differences?


Do we indulge in gossip? Are we overly sensitive and quick to take offense at what others say? Do we let the needs of others govern us while ignoring our own needs? Do we carry grudges?

The above behaviors can hinder our progress and harm our well-being. We can benefit by changing unhealthy behaviors and developing our strengths. We ask ourselves…

Are we generous? Do we practice kindness and compassion? Are we honest and trustworthy? Are we forgiving? Are we respectful of others? Do we have a sense of humor?

Step Four is a process in which we unearth our assets and character defects. By periodically repeating this process we see our growth. We remember our journey and we rejoice in our Higher Power’s ability to guide us to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

~ Members Share on Step Four ~

~ In the beginning of my step work a self-inventory was an impossible concept. I was unaccustomed to and uncomfortable with focusing on myself. I was so outwardly focused that I became physically and mentally ill when I thought about doing a self-inventory. Denial kept me in a fog. I barely recognized myself. This scared me and caused me shame. I did not want anyone to discover that my identity depended on whoever others expected me to be. ~ When I did an inventory the first time with a sponsor it was much easier than I thought it would be. The purpose of my inventory was to become honest and self-knowledgeable. When I wrote out my inventory I could easily see my character traits and my motives - positive and negative. I now choose to have healthy relationships with others.

~ Suggestions for Applying Step Four ~

The purpose of working Step Four is to see ourselves as we truly are and become the people we want to be. To do this, we stop blaming the addict, God, and everyone else for all the wrongs in our lives. We may find it useful to reflect on our earliest memories, look back at significant events in our lives, and put them in writing. This creates a foundation for taking a courageous and honest look at ourselves. It is important that


our positive traits receive as much prominence as our negative traits. For many of us working Step Four is refreshing and enlightening. Here are some suggestions for moving forward: • Share our thoughts and fears with a sponsor or another Nar-Anon member who

has already worked Step Four. • Work the step with discipline, consistency, commitment, and above all, without

fear. • Make a commitment to journal and answer the questions honestly. • Be willing to see ourselves with honesty, humility, and love, without judgment or

criticism. • Search for significant events that marked the past so we can improve the present. • Take time to pray and meditate to allow our Higher Power to guide us. • Try to answer every question thoughtfully and thoroughly. • Remember each trait or characteristic can be a positive and a negative. It is all in

the way we choose to apply it in our lives. • Begin working Step Four; there is no right or wrong way.

Searching Self-discovery is an adventure that begins with Step Four. We examine our actions, thoughts, and feelings. As we examine our feelings, we are not trying to make them go away, but instead learn how to deal with them as they surface. Step Four helps us get to know ourselves. We uncover our whole character, the good and the bad. Our character defects need to be addressed so we can move on with our recovery. When looking at our defects or undesirable traits, we may discover we have been in denial about them. For many of us, our most important goal was to survive the addiction of our loved one. Our energies were so focused on this one objective we were not able to see past our denial. Taking time to meditate, pray, and write on denial will help sort out our feelings. We discover how to face reality and begin to heal. Recognizing denial is the first step in moving beyond it. We are all unique individuals on a path to recovery. 1. What do I believe is the purpose of taking and writing my inventory? 2. Which feelings am I willing to explore? 3. How can I change my life to have a more positive outlook? 4. How will honesty about my feelings benefit me? 5. What is working and not working in my life?


Fearless After working through the first three steps, we are ready to be fearless in taking our inventory. We accept with an open heart and mind what is revealed by our Higher Power. We may see things to change about ourselves and that is okay. We trust our Higher Power to show the way. We work the steps to heal ourselves from pain, fear, guilt, and lack of faith by looking within. When we are honest with ourselves, we find there are not as many negative traits as we might have thought. We also discover we have many positive characteristics. The more we dig into our past, the less scary it becomes. It is exciting to move on in order to find out more about ourselves, something we may have been avoiding. Step Four is a healing step. This step helps us identify which negatives can be turned into positives. We examine our behaviors as they influence our lives and affect those close to us. We find healthy traits and attributes to use in our recovery. 6. Am I afraid to take an honest look at myself? What are my fears? 7. How does having a Higher Power help me with my fears? 8. How can I overcome any fears of changing the things I can? Moral Inventory A moral inventory is not about judging our character; it is identifying our principles. We want to discover which of our attributes and traits move us in a positive direction and which are standing in the way of our personal recovery. We are not focused on the measures of society; rather we identify what is and what is not acceptable to us. We focus on who we are and who we want to be. A cleansing of our minds and spirits marks the beginning of a new capacity to change our attitudes. This enables us to discover unhealthy parts of our thinking and discard ineffective ideas when we are ready. We may start by writing our childhood recollections, then our relationships, feelings, behaviors, and survival skills. We may include what we felt we have done wrong and recognize what we have done right. We try to be honest with ourselves, while being gentle and understanding. 9. What are my positive and negative traits? 10. What attributes and principles do I value in myself? 11. How have they defined me as a person? 12. What stands in the way of my well-being? 13. Describe the person I want to be.


A member shares: Learning to focus on myself promotes my personal progress and will improve my life. I am finding my gifts and attributes.

~ A Member’s Fourth Step Experience ~

The Fourth Step is personal, inviting me to delve as deeply as I wish. It took a while to work through this step, partly because hidden feelings were painfully revived and I was required to focus on myself - a new concept for me. This step allowed me to see my behaviors in a new light. I took many things personally and it put me on the defensive much of the time. I could not remember when this started, but I knew I wanted to change. I tended to say yes when I meant no. I thought I knew what was best for other people, especially people I loved. When they did not follow my advice, I handled it poorly. I sulked. I continued to debate the issue when they did not want to talk about it. I got nowhere and I was left frustrated. Good things happened as a result of working this step. While I was busy focusing on myself, I was staying out of the addict’s business. I found out life goes on without me having to fix everything. This gave me a feeling of relief. I began to find out what I was all about, how I really felt, what I liked and disliked, what I was willing to accept, and what I wasn’t. I got honest with myself, and some of what I learned surprised me. In the end, I let go of a lot of baggage I had carried around for years. This was my chance for a fresh start!

Trust Addiction turns our lives upside down, leaving us afraid to trust others and ourselves. We ignore our gut instincts and do not always trust our own choices and actions. We allow others to take advantage of us and as a result no longer trust easily. The first step in getting back our serenity is remembering we have a Higher Power. Trusting that Power, we can learn that whatever the situation, whatever the outcome, we can move forward. We can become a better people because of it. As children we learn to trust authority figures. When addiction enters our lives, our view of those authorities can change. Are they, the police officers, emergency room doctors, attorneys, and rehab therapists protecting us or working against us? We believed they all created barriers to make our lives more difficult, or even blamed us for our situations. We became disillusioned with people, places, and things we thought existed to help us. Many times we actually blamed them for our problems. The longer we live with the addiction of those we love, the less we trust. Then we walk into these rooms and learn to trust, slowly at first, ever cautiously. The program offers us the opportunity to trust again.


14. Do I trust my own judgment? Why or why not? 15. Under what circumstances have I used my lack of trust as a weapon against

others? 16. Who do I trust today and why? 17. What issues do I still not entrust to my Higher Power? 18. Why have I allowed someone to take advantage of me? What can I do differently?

A member shares: When I walked into the rooms of Nar-Anon, I was unable to trust because I didn’t want people to know I was living with addiction. After working Steps One through Three I began to trust, first in a Higher Power, then others.

Fear Facing our fears, both real and imagined, requires courage. When we let fear take over, we tend to ignore, deny, or avoid reality. Fear can cause pain and anxiety which can lead to confusion and stress-related illnesses. Our inability to control others and the knowledge that we must set boundaries may frighten us. The fear of abandonment or being alone may cause us, in desperation, to place ourselves in unhealthy situations.

Exhaustion is the result when we use energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that hasn’t even come yet. Likewise, setting up an image of the future and anxiously hovering over it for fear that it will or won’t come true, uses all of our energy and leaves us unable to live today. Yet living this day is the only way to have a life.1

Fear of the unknown causes anxiety and can be paralyzing. Some of our fears are justified, although not all are based on reality. Past experiences do not dictate future events. The knock at the door, a late night phone call, sirens in the neighborhood, or raised voices do not always mean bad news for us. Some of our fears are shown in irrational behaviors when we are in the middle of a crisis or confronted with a desperate situation. There are many tools available to overcome fear. We can call a sponsor or Nar-Anon friend, recite the Serenity Prayer, call on our Higher Power, meditate, or stay in the moment. We can also go to a meeting for support, write down our thoughts and feelings, read Nar-Anon literature, or focus on helping someone else. 19. What are some of my fears or anxieties? 20. How do I know if my fears are rational or irrational? 21. What do I believe causes my fears? 22. How can my Higher Power help with my fears? 1. Nar-Anon Blue Booklet, 2008, page 13


~ Members Share Thoughts on Fear ~

~ When I am afraid, I lose connection with my Higher Power and my recovery. When I am fearful, I worry, jump to conclusions, exaggerate things, and assume the worst. Time may be spent on worrying about an outcome that may never happen. When I turn fear to faith, I no longer need to be afraid. By staying in the moment and trusting in my Higher Power, I can gain courage to move forward. Unhealthy fear may lead to obsession about the addict. Staying in the moment can reduce the anxiety that can be associated with unhealthy fear. ~ When I first came to Nar Anon, my life was ruled by fears: the real fears of life and those imagined fears that found space in my head and developed from there. I found fear in every waking moment. No matter what the situation, I feared the worst. I received bad news for so long, I came to expect it. At times I have even gone in search of it. My sponsor helped me see the difference between real fears and those I imagined. Today I know there are things in life that cause real pain. Through those experiences, I have learned not to let them control me. I know I don’t have to spend time inventing fears, I can use that time on my serenity.

Resentment Expectations of others can lead to resentments which affect our personal relationships. We want others to behave the way we think they should. When they don’t, this causes us anxiety, stress, and anger. Expectations of ourselves can sometimes lead to resentments. Saying yes when we really want to say no affects our self-esteem and can cause us to question our ability to recover. It is easier to give in to the pressure of the addicts’ demands, alleviating the chaos of the moment rather than sticking to our boundaries. In the end, we resent ourselves and our decisions. When working Step Four, we become willing to put aside our resentments and focus on our recovery by taking an honest look at our behaviors.

Members Share Thoughts on Resentment: ~ Resentment is holding a grudge; it builds up and eventually erupts. ~ Resentments are reliving hurt feelings and not letting go. ~ Holding onto resentments prevents healing. ~ When I believe I am not being listened to or taken seriously, I start to feel

resentful.


~ Admitting resentments helps release my negative feelings. ~ Acknowledging unrealistic expectations can help to alleviate resentments.

23. What resentments am I holding onto from my past? 24. What do I gain from holding onto these resentments? 25. How are these resentments still affecting my life today? 26. Why do I resent it when others do not behave or act the way I think they should? 27. How do my resentments affect my relationships?

Control Control is trying to assume power that is not really ours, when we should be minding our own business. Some of us have difficulty accepting we have a problem with control. Some of us do not realize we are trying to control. This may have been pointed out to us or we recognized our behavior in someone else. Many of us justified our controlling behavior by saying: • I believe my way is the right or better way. • They cannot do it for themselves. • What if they don’t take care of it? • I’m just trying to help. • They don’t do it fast enough so I have to do myself.

Sometimes imaginary control is thrust upon us when the addict pushes us to manage things they either cannot or do not want to do on their own. Other times we find we have been pulled in slowly before we even realize it. Often we find the disease of addiction is so uncontrollable, we latch onto any illusion of control. We try our hardest to control when we are afraid of the outcome. We can become so obsessed with our need to control that we lose sight of our health, well-being, and serenity. Many of us believe if the addict would stop using, our lives would be happy and serene. Everyone is unique; therefore, expecting others to behave as we think they should is unrealistic. By attending meetings and working our program, we soon discover we are powerless over others. This results in a great burden being lifted from us. Our perceived control of the addict was imaginary. Our happiness and serenity depends upon our ability to detach with love from the addicts and cease trying to change and control them. By having faith and praying to our Higher Power, we can begin to let go of the outcome, and stop projecting what we imagine the future will bring. With the help of our sponsor we can learn to convert negative control issues into positive traits. This puts more balance back into our lives. Letting go of control liberates us to focus on our recovery.


~ Members Share Thoughts on Control ~ ~ It was hard to tell the difference between guidance and control when my child was a minor. After working my program, I found it easier to let go and just offer advice when he asked. ~ I never thought I was controlling until I realized I was using the same tactics my mother had used on me: pleading with the addict, trying to make him feel guilty, and reminding him of all I had done for him. I tried to control by enabling. I thought that if I kept doing more for him, he would stop using out of gratitude! How crazy was that? ~ Control is trying to run someone else’s life – with or without their permission. ~ I am a control freak by nature, but I like to use the word “organized.” It sounds nicer. ~ The program has shown me that I have control only over one thing, me, with my Higher Power’s help.

28. What do I fear will happen if I let go of my imaginary power? 29. Do I feel powerless and frightened of failure if I let go? If so, why? 30. How has my controlling affected the well-being of others? Myself? 31. What can I do to let go of feeling the need to control? Anger: Anger can be a normal healthy emotion. It is when we repress or inappropriately express our anger that we may experience feelings of frustration, anxiety, self-pity, and depression. If we stop and analyze what triggers our anger and how we express it, we can then begin to understand our behavior and learn how to change our reactions. Anger is part of our recovery. It comes from fear, resentment, manipulation, hurt feelings, projecting, blame, worry, and loss of trust. One way to release anger is to forgive; we start by being willing. This allows us to live healthier lives, spiritually, mentally and physically.

~ Members Share Thoughts on Anger ~ ~ Anger is frustration at my own powerlessness. I want things to go my way. Anger builds in me when I see how irrelevant my wants have become. ~ It takes a lot of physical energy to be angry. When I am angry it negatively impacts my health. I was angry for many years toward many people for


many reasons. I need to concentrate on not being angry any longer. I will make an effort to accept people and events with a smile and with love. As I consciously practice not being angry, acceptance becomes just like breathing. Acting “as if” is how I can begin to change.

32. When do I get angry and why? 33. When have I acted out in anger and then been ashamed of my behavior? 34. What are the consequences of my anger? 35. How has my anger affected me in a positive way? A negative way? 36. What steps can I take to control my anger? Worry Worry is agonizing over people, places and things we cannot control. It zaps us of our strength and brings on a sense of helplessness. Our “what ifs” lead to worry, and vice versa. This may come from a lack of faith or hope. It causes some of us to project, leads to stress and robs us of our perspective. We may also become anxious, troubled, apprehensive, fearful, uneasy, and nervous. Worry uses our energy in a negative way. We have the same thoughts over and over because we have no solution to the problems we are experiencing. It can be difficult to stop worrying. We can use the tools of our program to help change our focus. The more we concentrate on recovery, the better we feel and the less we worry. We learn to accept that we cannot change others or situations. As we work the program, we draw on the strength of our group, our sponsor, and our Higher Power to find peace and serenity.

~ Members Share Thoughts on Worry ~ ~ I know I am worrying when I am obsessed with something over which I have no control. ~ When I worry, I waste time I can never get back. I could have used that time for something more productive. ~ Worry drains my energy and causes me uneasiness and anxiety. I wonder if things will ever get better. ~ When I worry I have the same thoughts over and over – visualizing every scenario, wondering what will happen. Worry brings on fear, and in reality I have no control over the outcome. I have learned to turn my worries over to my Higher Power.

37. What are the negative effects of worrying? 38. How am I using the program to stop, think and react differently?


39. What other things can I do to stop myself from worrying? Self-Esteem As we discover more about ourselves and we reflect on our past, we come to realize what has defined our self-esteem. Many of us have low self-esteem because we are not comfortable with who we are. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, our achievements, and accomplishments. It is not thinking we are perfect, but quietly knowing we matter and are important. Positive self-esteem gives us the ability to believe in ourselves. It helps us to make the right choices and accept ourselves when we make mistakes. The process of building our self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth comes with the help of our Higher Power.

~ Members Share Thoughts on Self-Esteem ~ ~ My addict son has little or no self-esteem. Who am I to think I can give him self-esteem like it was a birthday or Christmas present? I gained my self- esteem through life’s trials and each small or large accomplishment. I can share with my son those experiences that helped build my self-esteem. ~ When I acknowledge my gifts and talents, it builds my self-esteem and I can become proud of myself. ~ Healthy self-esteem is having confidence in me and what I have accomplished.

40. Do I allow my self-esteem to be affected by the addict's behavior? If so, how? 41. When I put my trust in others and they fail me, how does that affect my self-

esteem? 42. How do I currently feel about my self-esteem? 43. How do I react to compliments? Do I graciously accept them or do I try to reason

them away? 44. How do I acknowledge myself for a job well done? 45. How has working the first three steps helped with my self-esteem? 46. What can I do to build my self-esteem?

~ A Member Shares a Story of Self-Esteem ~ Before joining Nar-Anon I never realized where my lack of self-esteem came from. I grew up in a home where my mother barked orders and I did what I was told. I made poor choices or good choices based on her opinion. I was an unhappy child with few friends and thought I was stupid, clumsy, and unlovable.


While at college I began to see that other people lived differently. I was making decisions on my own and dealing with the consequences. Without my mother around, I began to see myself in a new way.

I married a man who accepted me. I grew as a person, developing a sense of self-value. As a mother I gave my son the leeway I did not have as a child; however, he also struggled with self-esteem. When he became an addict, I was frantic trying to save him from the devastation he was causing in his life. By joining the fellowship of Nar-Anon, I began to see that in my anxiety, I was trying to control his decisions through the same manipulation my mother had used on me. The destructive circle had to be broken.

As I did step work in the program, it became clear that the final piece of the self-esteem puzzle was letting go and letting God. I handed my Higher Power the resentments I had toward my mother and others who tried to control me. I committed myself to becoming a tolerant and loving person, working hard to decide what was best only for me and my life. My son, as he travels on his journey through life, must do so without my judgment and opinions if he is to develop a sense of self-respect. It is up to his Higher Power to guide him on his way. My job is to love him as a gift from my Higher Power, and to share with him my experience, strength, and hope.

Today I can laugh at life and myself without criticism. When others make negative comments, I can assess their viewpoint as their own, take what I like and give the rest to my Higher Power. Nar-Anon gave me this option that has freed my soul!

~ A Step Four Story ~

Often I look back on my journey remembering how I concentrated on the addict – what could I do for him, how could I relieve his pain, how could I fix what I thought were his bad decisions, how could I keep him out of jail, and how could I get him to realize the damage he was doing to himself and our family. After three years in the program I attended a Fourth Step weekend workshop. This weekend workshop had been announced many times in my group meeting, but I had previously decided it wasn’t for me. I only went because another member asked me to attend with her. Much to my surprise, the weekend was not at all what I expected, but more than I could ever have imagined. I came to Nar-Anon because my son was an out-of-control addict. My husband was an alcoholic, but since he was functioning, I ignored any thought of how his actions and attitudes had affected me or our family. I was sure I had learned to survive and to cope with his addiction. To my surprise, at this workshop, I found myself writing about my husband instead of my son. I never realized the pain, fear, and resentments that were


deep inside me since I had pushed those feelings down for so long. For me, the writing workshop was like a timed release capsule. During the next year, I discovered so much more about myself. Slowly my Higher Power helped me to deal with each new revelation and use it to move forward. As the Nar-Anon program states, slowly new persons emerge, change is taking place. For me, the key to working this step was getting away so I could concentrate on what my Higher Power wanted me to learn. Working the Fourth Step helped me discover who I was, how I got here, where I was going, and what I wanted to accomplish as I followed this path of recovery. I have since attended this workshop many times and each time I discover something new about myself. Nar-Anon is a wonderfully healing program.

~ Reflections on Step Four ~ In Step Four we are asked to acknowledge what we have done right and wrong. Prior to working this step we developed a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves. We trusted that our Higher Power was in control and we were not. This gave us the courage to search within ourselves. We became honest and willing to put our feelings on paper. Recognizing our faults allows us to do something about them in the future. For many of us, working Step Four may be the first time that we direct our actions toward ourselves. Doing an inventory redirects energy we previously used to contain emotions we did not know how to address. These hidden and subconscious emotions can undermine the peace, serenity, and happiness we are looking for. A fearless and detailed moral inventory of ourselves is the process that leads us to healing. When taking our moral inventory, we start to see patterns in our behaviors. We discover we have many good qualities in addition to our faults. We can eventually change what has not worked for us and reinforce those qualities that have. We have found that Step Four has not left us empty but has filled us with hope. The relief we receive by working this step will lead us toward Step Five and the sharing of our findings with others. After completing Step Four, we are now ready to share our findings with a trusted individual and the God of our understanding. The relief we get from working through Step Four will increase with each new step.

Pending Conference Approval For Approval Review Purposes Only STEP FIVE - Page 15 © 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights reserved.

STEP FIVE Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. In Step Four we were asked to make a list of our positive and negative traits. We identified our weaknesses and strengths. Now we are asked to reveal them to our Higher Power, ourselves, and another person we respect and are prepared to trust with our confidences. We remind ourselves that many people before us found serenity on this path. When we are ready to let go of our burdens, our Higher Power is there, without judgment or criticism; only acceptance and an ever present love. Step Five helps us accept ourselves as we are and establish a foundation for positive change. It takes courage to admit our faults to another person. It is important we choose someone with whom it is safe to share, such as our sponsor or another trusted member of Nar-Anon. Step Five follows naturally from Step Four. Having identified our strengths and weaknesses by exploring the past and present, we move on from there to take action. We acknowledge that qualities such as compassion, forgiveness, and a loving nature are the strengths we depend upon to survive and grow. Step Five is a milestone on the road to our personal freedom.

A member shares: After completing Step Four, I am gaining strength and courage to continue working this program. I want recovery and will do what it takes to get there. I want to learn from those who came before me. My Higher Power is now my trusted friend; I know He will not judge me and will listen with love. I am ready to admit to God the exact nature of my wrongs and know He will prepare me to continue this process.

~ Suggestions for Applying Step Five ~

After we have completed our Fourth Step inventory, we are ready to begin Step Five. Here are some suggestions to consider: • Find a quiet time and place for each phase of this step. • Trust our Higher Power to lead the way. • Begin by meditating and asking for strength and courage to be honest and open. • Take time to be specific and clear as we share.


Trust the Process In previous steps we accepted the existence of a loving and nurturing God or Higher Power. In Step Five we are trusting our Higher Power will know and understand the exact nature of our wrongs, diminishing some of our anxieties and fears. As we worked Step Four, we put equal emphasis on our positive and negative traits. We tried being kind and gentle with ourselves, admitting our wrongs without judgment. Our selection of another person with whom to share is an important decision. Many of us have had issues with trust in the past. It is important to reassure ourselves that we are not admitting our wrongs to the whole world; we are simply sharing our findings with one appropriate person. It is ideal to ask someone who will keep our confidence and will not be judgmental, critical, or give advice. Sharing with a close family member or friend may result in unwanted reactions. Many choose a respected long standing fellowship member, perhaps their sponsor. Some choose the clergy. The choice is personal and should be someone we can relate to and with whom we are comfortable.

1. What are my hopes and fears about working Step Five? 2. How will I know I am ready to share my inventory with someone else? 3. What are my past experiences with trust? 4. How can I trust my Higher Power to guide me in this process?

Being Honest, Open, and Willing In Step Four we identified unresolved feelings, painful memories, and personal defects that may have resulted in unhappiness, resentment, or loss of self-worth. Step Five is another step toward freedom. We work this step by being totally honest with ourselves and the God of our understanding. We then become open and willing to share our inventory with another person. Learning to trust another human being frees us from isolation. We are no longer bound by our secrets when we share them with another. Honesty begins with a willingness to look at ourselves. No more excuses; no more blaming others for the messes in our lives. We have tried to be so many things to so many people; it is liberating and a relief to just be ourselves. We open the door to peace and happiness when we are honest, open, and willing. 5. How do I know I am ready to be honest, open, and willing? 6. How can I benefit from being honest, open, and willing? 7. What thoughts come to mind when I think of the words truthful, genuine, and real

in relation to myself?


Admitted to a Higher Power Admitting our wrongs to a Higher Power brings us closer to releasing them. We are learning to let go and let God by meditating, taking a walk, or spending quiet time in a special place. We share who we are, what we did, and how we feel. Honesty brings us closer to our Higher Power when we share our worries, trials, and fears. As we admit our wrongs and the part we played in the unmanageability of our lives, we do not want to justify our behavior. We are not blaming God for what has happened to us; rather we are realizing the choices we made brought us to this point in our recovery. We are seeking a deeper level of spirituality and commitment in our relationship with a Higher Power. We can count on our Higher Power’s loving acceptance through this process. 8. What fears do I have as I prepare to admit the exact nature of my wrongs? 9. What is my current concept of a Higher Power? 10. Do I believe my Higher Power will still accept me after admitting the exact nature

of my wrongs? 11. Do I believe I need forgiveness from my Higher Power? Why or why not? 12. If so, can I accept this forgiveness? Explain. 13. What are the benefits of sharing with my Higher Power?

~ Members Share About Admitting to a Higher Power ~ ~ When I first came to Nar-Anon, I thought it strange to have to admit anything to God since I felt He was all-knowing. I had a fear of being judged and not measuring up to others’ expectations. My Higher Power accepts that I am not perfect, still loves me, and simply wants to be a part of my life. Once I shared these shortcomings with Him, I could then replace them with positive traits. ~ After many years in the program, I realize healing comes from admitting my shortcomings to my Higher Power. He is the only One who truly accepts everything about me, without judgment.

Admitted to Ourselves Admitting to ourselves is less threatening and risky than admitting to another person. When we look at ourselves honestly, without blame or condemnation, we can admit we played a part in the problems.


Unconsciously, we may have used denial as a coping mechanism to protect ourselves. Denial allows us to ignore our problems, thinking we can avoid pain. This is human nature. The thought of dealing with the pain is so intense we are not able to accept it; therefore we may not admit, even to ourselves, the reality of our situation. By admitting to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs, we are free to move forward and face our pain with the help of a loving God. The first time we work these steps we will not uncover everything about ourselves. We are a work in progress. Our task is to examine those wrongs we have admitted to and see how they affected our lives. These steps are ongoing and life changing if we choose to implement them. Concentrating on today keeps us focused. 14. What have I done to accept, without judgment, the things I am admitting? 15. What new discoveries have I made about myself? 16. What did I like or dislike about what I discovered? 17. Looking at the defects of character from my Fourth Step inventory, what is the

exact nature of my wrongs? 18. How does choosing to be honest with myself give me a sense of freedom?

A member shares: By continuing to work these steps, I have become free. I have been shown options that were not obvious to me before. Now I have choices. I can use the tools of the program to make better decisions, releasing me from unrealistic expectations. For this I am grateful.

Admitted to Another Person It is difficult to reveal our resentments, fears, and defects to another person. We tried to keep these private, but now give ourselves permission to talk about them in a healthy productive way. We schedule time for prayer and meditation with our Higher Power as we search for someone we can confide in to share our inventory. We are not seeking advice, only support in gaining insight. Our trusted Step Five confidant is simply asked to listen. We are admitting the exact nature of our wrongs and how our behavior has affected ourselves and others. The details of how we plan to change are not necessary at this time. We examine our behaviors and try to discover the reasons behind our actions. It is suggested we carefully choose the person we share with, someone familiar with the Twelve Step program. This can be a trusted group member, sponsor, counselor or friend. Keep in mind we are sharing our personal inventory. Secrets entrusted to us by others are not part of our inventory and should be kept confidential. Step Five offers a sense of relief as we begin to trust ourselves, a Higher Power, and others.


19. What qualities will I look for in the person with whom I share? 20. What character traits embarrass me when I think of sharing them with someone

else? 21. How might sharing with another person increase the awareness of my positive

qualities? 22. How might sharing with another person help me avoid falling back into old

behaviors? 23. Can I share with another person without expecting approval? Why or why not?

A member shares: When I was a newcomer, I chose to be right instead of happy. Now as I look at mistakes I made, I can learn from them and move forward. I am grateful to know it is okay not to be perfect. I am a spiritual person trying to do the best I can on my journey. I chose a sponsor who I love and trust but who is also imperfect. It is easier to share my list with someone who does not judge me, but loves me as I am.

~ A Step Five Story ~

The character traits I uncovered in Step Four left me hesitant about approaching the next step. To admit to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs seemed to open up an even deeper level of vulnerability and apprehension, as I was ashamed of some of my past behaviors. In Step Four I admitted my positive and negative behaviors to myself. After considering how I reacted to situations in the past, I began recognizing patterns. By becoming aware of my shortcomings, writing them down on paper, and accepting them, I could now focus on areas where I needed work. Next I had to admit to God. Thankful for the spiritual foundation I had built in Steps One through Three, I found a Higher Power that was truly loving, nurturing, and forgiving. I could admit my defects to this Power without worry of being punished. Speaking to God through prayer and conversation was not as hard as I thought since the God of my understanding is a part of me, my higher self. After being forgiven by a Higher Power, I was then able to forgive myself. Now I had to face another human being. This was going to be the hard part. Some things were easier to share than others. I was committed to the program and the steps. I prayed and gathered courage to reveal myself to my sponsor. I anticipated a negative reaction, but did not get one. She listened patiently and quietly time after time without judgment.


I focused on the words ‘the exact nature’ and realized my wrongs were human. The nature of the deeds, not the deeds themselves, was developed as a coping and defense mechanism. I was then able to address some of those patterns and work toward becoming a better person, no longer hiding behind the shadows of shame, guilt, fear, and insecurities. Today I am thankful for the opportunity to reveal my inner self. Admitting my wrongs to God, myself, and another human being has helped me see my behaviors more clearly. This gives me an opportunity to improve myself and my life.

~ Reflections on Step Five ~ Trusting enough to share our inventory with another person is part of having the courage to change. We may have started our Fifth Step with apprehension, confusion, and doubt, but hopefully we have completed it with confidence in the principles and tools of this program. We trust the person we have shared our story with, the person who has supported us along this path to recovery. We have opened our hearts without receiving judgment, criticism, or blame. The working of Step Five gives us freedom to move forward. A positive change will help us grow in our recovery and we are encouraged to trust the process. For many it is useful to stop and reflect on our progress. A well-deserved breather can be spiritually uplifting. Many of us end Step Five with greater faith in the God of our understanding, with self-love and respect, and renewed trust. After completing Step Five, take time to reflect, pray and meditate, thanking our Higher Power for the opportunity to share this Step with another person. We can give ourselves credit for completing this step as it has taken courage and strength. When we are ready, we will have the confidence to move on to Step Six.

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STEP SIX

Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. In Steps One through Three we laid a foundation for change. In the past we tried to change on our own. In Step Three we learned we must look to our Higher Power in this effort. This took courage and a newfound understanding of ourselves. Step Four helped us identify our strengths and character defects. Step Five led us to admit our shortcomings to a Higher Power, ourselves, and another person. We are thankful for Step Six, which will help us turn our character defects into growth by being willing to let them go. A person burdened with secrets rarely feels courageous enough to change. By working the steps, we discover change is possible with the help of Nar-Anon. Step Six says “were entirely ready.” How do we know when we are ready? To be ready means we acknowledge our defects and are willing to let go of our old ways. We each become ready in our own time and in our own way. When it becomes too painful to continue as we are, then we are ready to change. We can no longer live in denial. By working the Nar-Anon program, we experience self-discovery and recovery. This is evidence of a Higher Power making significant changes in our attitudes, behaviors, and beliefs. To be ready is to trust there is a better path for us to follow. We begin to notice the impact of a Higher Power in our life. We are learning to fill our time with activities that promote and support our well-being. We begin to manage stress and take care of ourselves. Are we procrastinating? Are we taking on responsibility for problems other than our own? As we forgive ourselves for these and other behaviors, we have more energy to focus on what is important. By honestly expressing our feelings in Nar-Anon meetings, we witness the benefits of sharing. We gain courage and strength from the success of others.

A member shares: With my Higher Power’s help, I am able to let go of my old behaviors. Recovery is a journey of self-discovery and change.

~ Suggestions for Applying Step Six ~ The purpose of Step Six is to allow our Higher Power to guide us, and help us become willing to follow that guidance. Here are some suggestions. • Be willing to accept ourselves as we are. • Acknowledge our defects of character, and ask for our Higher Power’s help to

remove them. • Recognize these defects will always have power over us until we address them.


• Accepting our defects without judgment, releases their stronghold and we become willing to have them removed.

To Become Willing We may have areas of our lives we are willing to give up, and others that we are not. We may have trouble admitting some of our character defects; we may see them as useful tools. The thought of giving up control of every area all at once may cause us some fear or anxiety. Trusting that the God of our understanding is in control and will gently guide us along our path is a gradual process. As we continue to place our faith and trust in a Higher Power for guidance and strength, we move forward. Sometimes we only recognize the growth in our lives when we look backward. We may not be aware we have already made some changes. Maybe others see them before we do. We can stop and thoughtfully examine and appreciate the progress we have made so far. As we recognize our growth we gain courage to continue. We begin to see progression from old habits to new habits.

Old Habits New Habits Perfectionism Forgiveness Chaos Peace and Serenity Self-Doubt Acceptance Fear Faith Sadness Joy Frustration Gratitude Despair Hope Obsession Patience Compulsiveness Release with Love

At this point in our recovery we have become aware that some of our habits are harmful to ourselves or others. Remember, this is a process. If we continue to work on ourselves we will constantly be changing and growing. Our Higher Power will reveal to us those areas we are able to accept and are willing to work on at this point in our journey. As each layer is peeled away we need time to process emotions and feelings; we need time to heal. Remember these steps may be taken more than once. Change is a process, not an event.


1. What are my thoughts, feelings, and fears as I begin to work on Step Six? 2. Explain how I have changed an old habit to a new habit. 3. How does my relationship with a Higher Power help with Step Six? 4. Make a list of areas I am not ready to turn over to my Higher Power. 5. Make a list of areas I might consider turning over. 6. Make a list of habits I am ready to have God remove. 7. What defects do I still find useful? 8. How can I trust that my Higher Power will guide me as I continue to work this

step? Being Entirely Ready Being entirely ready means we are open to learning a better way to live, rather than focusing on what will get us by. We work Step Six by becoming ready for our Higher Power to bring change into our lives. Our Higher Power cannot change us unless we are willing. We quiet our minds from distractions and open our hearts to change and new beginnings. In Step Six we realize we need to change our attitudes and behaviors. We may not be entirely ready, but can begin to move in the right direction. We become ready to let go. Letting go does not mean we become passive and do nothing. It means we give up our struggle to control. We turn our will over to our Higher Power. Rather than relying on our self-will, we begin to rely on our Higher Power to help us. Step Six prepares us to become ready. We do this by reading Nar-Anon literature, asking for support from others in the program, and doing service work. We have spent time sharing with our sponsor about the recovery process. We are learning to avoid unhealthy situations. When an uncomfortable situation or crisis occurs, we might ask ourselves, “What can we learn from this?” 9. How can I be sure I am now ready to let my Higher Power remove my character

defects? 10. Think about the phrase “entirely ready.” What does that mean to me? 11. What are my thoughts or feelings on being willing? 12. What does surrender or giving up mean to me? 13. What are my fears of letting go? 14. What, if anything, is keeping me from being entirely ready?


Removing Our Defects For many Nar-Anon members, admitting our defects brought discomfort and pain. Our character defects are familiar tools and are often coping mechanisms we used to deal with life. Continuing a healthy one day at a time recovery, we feel safe asking a Power greater than ourselves to remove our defects of character. When we become aware of our weaknesses, the consequences of our negative behaviors, and the pain they have caused, we become willing to change. Letting go is a grieving process. As we work through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, we finally reach acceptance, with no conditions. Our goal is freedom and serenity, not perfection. Members who want recovery have made a commitment. We trust that many of our character defects can be removed. Imagine replacing these defects with healthy attitudes and actions. 15. How does my understanding of the word “defect” help me be ready to have them

removed? 16. What unhealthy character defects have I identified? 17. Having recognized these defects of character, how will I begin to work with my

Higher Power in removing them? 18. What do I hope is the end result of removing these defects? 19. How am I willing to change my life to live in a more positive manner? Our Relationship with a Higher Power In the past, we relied on our own will. We placed unrealistic demands on our Higher Power. In Step Six we are learning that a healthy relationship involves two-way communication, listening and speaking in a humble way. Our relationship with the God of our understanding developed through working the first five steps. This relationship brought about new and comfortable feelings. In Step Three we made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. We are now willing to turn over our character defects. We know we cannot do it alone and the God of our understanding will guide us through this process. 20. How am I relying on my willpower to change instead of trusting my Higher Power

for help? 21. Which behaviors or defects do I make excuses for or try to justify? 22. What doubts interfere with my readiness to have God remove my shortcomings? 23. Do I believe there is a confident person within me that is ready to emerge? 24. List things I would like to change about myself. I can ask my Higher Power to help

me begin this process. Begin by saying the Serenity Prayer.


A member shares: I used to think I wanted others to change so my life could get better. Now what I really want is to change myself so I can have peace and serenity.

~ A Step Six Story ~

When I came to the Sixth Step, I had to ask myself “Am I ready to let go of _________ and allow my Higher Power to show me a healthier way?” I have so many defects. I know I cannot remove them on my own, but I am willing to believe that God can. This week I saw a beautiful reminder of how my Higher Power is always at work. The tree in my front yard was slow to change last year. Many dead leaves clung to its branches throughout the winter. But now spring has arrived and bright green leaves are budding out on the same branches as the old ones. My defects, my bad habits and unhealthy ways, are the old leaves. There are fewer of them than there used to be, but as the saying goes, old habits die hard. As much as I would like to shake them off, bitterness and resentments still cling to me. But the God of my understanding is still producing new growth: a fresh perspective, a more thankful heart. As I continue to work the Nar-Anon program, new growth will steadily crowd out my old dysfunctional ways. I feed the healthy new me by attending meetings, reading Nar-Anon literature, developing relationships with other members, praying, meditating, and performing service. If I neglect any of these practices, my growth will be stunted. After admiring my beautiful tree, I realize I do not have to ask if I am ready to change. Rather, I must be willing to accept and be thankful for the changes my Higher Power continually produces in me.

~ Reflections on Step Six ~ In Step Six we simply become willing for the God of our understanding to remove our defects of character. It is important to acknowledge that being ready and the actual removal are two different things. The twelve step process is taking shape. We recognize, trust, and are prepared to let go of behaviors that no longer serve us. We are now thinking more clearly and are able to reflect on our progress. The changes we have made have given us a better way to live. No longer are we the timid, angry, confused, fearful people who entered the rooms of Nar-Anon. By no means are we perfect, but positive changes are taking place. Phase One: Steps One, Two, and Three - the process of giving up on our illusion of control.


Phase Two: Steps Four, Five, and Six - the process of owning up to our defects of character and our assets. We now look forward to Phase Three: Steps Seven, Eight, and Nine - the process of making up to ourselves and all those we have harmed. We are now ready to continue with Step Seven.


STEP SEVEN Step Seven: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Before Nar-Anon, many of us believed we had no shortcomings. We now realize that seeking our Higher Power’s guidance instead of our self-centered desires will free our spirit. The central idea of Step Seven is humility. We learn to draw near to a Higher Power and become comfortable talking with that Power. We acknowledge our commitment to recovery and working the steps. Step Seven challenges us to become the person we would like to be. Since Nar-Anon’s Twelve Steps came after and are similar to Narcotics Anonymous’ steps, some of us thought they are being used by Nar-Anon only to inform us of the tools addicts use in their recovery. Others thought we could pick and choose which steps to use, believing not all applied to us. In time, it dawned on us we must work all the steps, including Step Seven. After taking our inventory and acknowledging the exact nature of our wrongs, we ask our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings. Step Seven reminds us that we do have shortcomings and offers us the opportunity to shed these character defects. By taking responsibility and letting go, we discover our own personal humility. Being humble frees us to ask our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings and our spirit is renewed in the process. In working Step Seven we can turn negatives to positives with our Higher Power’s help. This is not an instantaneous process nor does it absolve us of self-responsibility. We are all human beings, and our lives are constantly changing, so easy does it. Ongoing step work helps us grow spiritually. We are reminded of the compassionate manner in which we approached our Fourth Step inventory, and we apply the same principle to working this step. Walking our daily path can be filled with challenges, but newfound insights support a healthier sense of self. We are attentive to our choices and come to the realization that our happiness is our responsibility. We learn to be humble and admit our wrongs in the safety of the program without fear of reprisal or judgment. When we let go we can find peace. In Step Six, we expressed our willingness to have the God of our understanding remove our defects of character. It follows that Step Seven would be the process of removal. We have developed faith and trust in the gentle guiding nature of the Twelve Step program. As we use the steps in our daily affairs, we continue to humbly ask for our Higher Power’s help to remove our shortcomings and the ability to change the things we can.


~ Suggestions for Applying Step Seven ~ We practice patience with ourselves and our Higher Power when asking God to remove our shortcomings. We can try working on the easiest ones first, then build and add on from there. We don’t need to work on them all at once. If we feel discouraged, we can rely on the tools of the program to carry us. Letting go of our shortcomings may leave us with a sense of loss and confusion. Allow time for God to work. Remember, our Higher Power is working behind the scenes. We are asking for the ability to change the things we can. We need always be grateful for where we are today and how far we have come. Step Seven’s purpose is to move us toward serenity as we ask for help and trust in a Higher Power to remove our shortcomings. We can do this by: • being open and honest; • being ready to remove our defects uncovered in Step Four; • trusting that our Higher Power knows when and how to help us change and grow; • using the Serenity Prayer to ask our Higher Power for courage to change the

things we can; and • asking our Higher Power for help when unwanted behaviors surface.

Being Humble Learning to accept ourselves for who we are is part of being humble. Realizing we have defects of character can be a positive awakening. We find there are different ways we can use our habits and behaviors. Being responsible can be a shortcoming when we try to take over for others; however, being responsible for ourselves gives us freedom. Being humble is accepting there are things we cannot change and believing that our Higher Power can. By accepting this revelation, we are able to grasp the concept that our Higher Power can change our focus. 1. What does being humble mean to me? 2. How can I practice being humble? 3. What behaviors keep me from being humble? 4. How does being humble change my habits and behaviors? 5. List negative traits that can be used in a positive way? 6. What positive changes do I see in myself by being humble?

A member shares: When I first read Step Seven, I opened the dictionary to look up the word humble. I had enough awareness to know my definition could very well be wrong. I had often been ashamed and humiliated as I lived with active addiction. I confused the word humble with humiliation. Gratefully, I began to notice the difference and a paradox. I felt superior over addicts and humiliated at the same time. My son used to say, “You think you


are better than me,” and I did. He did not live up to my expectations of how he should live his life. I was acting as if I was his Higher Power. It was an exhausting way to live. Now I realize these are my shortcomings. This awareness leads me to become humble enough to accept a Higher Power in my life, to ask God to remove my shortcomings (in God’s time, not mine), and to step out of the role as another person’s Higher Power.

Asking for Help – Releasing Control Humbly we come before the God of our understanding and ask for guidance in letting go of our past faults as we embark on a healthier beginning. We know it is not easy to accomplish this feat alone. We relied on ourselves instead of partnering with our Higher Power who was there for us when we worked the previous steps. By practicing humility, we can now set aside our ego and rely on the assistance of a power greater than ourselves. 7. Why is it important to be humble when I ask for help? 8. What areas of control do I find the hardest to release? 9. How does my ego get in the way of releasing shortcomings? 10. What shortcomings am I willing to release to my Higher Power?

A member shares: I found I was trying to control others; however, I am learning to use that characteristic in a positive way to control my own actions and attitudes. The aggression that I once used to try to fix the unhappy situations in the addict’s life is now focused on things that give me joy. I know there is nothing wrong with wanting others to be happy. Detaching with love and not enabling allows me to concentrate on my own happiness.

My Shortcomings Nar-Anon opened our eyes to how judgmental, manipulative, and self-righteous we can be. We believed we were justified in our judgments. We thought joy and happiness were not ours because of the addict. Being consumed with resentment, anger, and fear leaves no room in our hearts for tolerance, patience, and good will. Understandably, many of us are impatient because we do not want to go through pain, fear or anxiety. We want to ask God to remove all our shortcomings today. However, this is not how the program works. Surrendering is one of the lessons we learned by working the first six steps. We need to remember we are trying to change a lifetime of behaviors and they will not disappear overnight. Transformation of our shortcomings into positive, uplifting outlooks and attitudes takes continuous work on Step Seven. 11. Explain the difference between having shortcomings and feeling defective. 12. How does justifying my shortcomings keep me from being humble? 13. Am I willing to be patient and let God work?


Willing to learn a better way to live Our old ways have led us down a path of sorrow, pain and perhaps regret. We have damaged our spirits and caused harm to others, which left us feeling empty and lost. We may have felt numb when we first came into the rooms of Nar-Anon, but now our faith and spirituality are being restored. We are taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions, and beginning to experience more freedom from our old patterns. The recovery process leaves us feeling rejuvenated. “Slowly, new persons emerge. Change is taking place.”1 New insight and increased serenity are ours as we continue this journey. Some may say they are now experiencing life beyond their wildest dreams, which is a direct result of their daily surrender and having a God-centered focus. We are spiritual beings working together for a common purpose…a better way to live. 14. What differences do I now see in my self-esteem? 15. What changes do I see in my relationships since I have joined Nar-Anon? 16. Am I taking the time to process what I am learning and letting my Higher Power

guide me? Explain. 17. Now that I have completed Step Seven, what have I learned about myself?

~ A Step Seven Story ~

I knew nothing about the disease of addiction. I had no sympathy for the immense daily struggle of addicts and alcoholics. I was highly judgmental. Then this disease got a grip on someone I loved. The deep fear and emotion from within humbled me. I reached out to the Nar-Anon fellowship for support. As I worked my way through the steps, I found great relief in humbly requesting the God of my understanding to remove my shortcomings in Step Seven. It is with humility that I now accept myself for who I was and look forward to who I am striving to become. I have great respect and admiration for recovering addicts and compassion for those who are still suffering. There but for the grace of God, go I. I have developed a simple mechanism to remind me that my Higher Power is constantly working Step Seven with me. I recall how I responded to situations and what my thoughts and actions were. Now I am able to smile gratefully in the knowledge that today my reactions are totally different and far more accepting and appropriate. My shortcomings are slowly but surely being removed. I am open enough to let them go and watch them walk away. The ongoing removal of my shortcomings is directly linked to my daily application of the Nar-Anon Twelve Step program. I humbly ask my Higher Power for help and I apply huge doses of patience with myself. 1. Nar-Anon Blue Booklet, 2008, page 5


I have come to understand that the Nar-Anon Twelve Step program is one of spiritual development and growth. I accept that working on my shortcomings will be an ongoing process throughout my life. By the grace of God and one day at a time, I have grown in this program. I continue with my Nar-Anon recovery for reasons that best serve me. Step Seven has given me the gift of recovery and growth. My relationships have improved, most of all the relationship I have with the addict I love.

~ Reflections on Step Seven ~ In Step Seven, we have examined the meaning of the word humility as it applies to us. The wonderful reward of exercising the humility required in this step is a closer spiritual connection with the God of our understanding. Just as we felt the relief in Step Three from handing our will and our lives over to God, we now feel the freedom of humbly turning over our shortcomings to this Power we have come to trust. When we are ready, we can move on to Step Eight.

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STEP EIGHT Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. The process of healing relationships begins with Step Eight. After studying, journaling and practicing the first seven steps, we recognize that our shortcomings resulted in other people being hurt. With the help of the Twelve Steps and our Higher Power, we have the tools we need to work through this process. We start to exercise a new willingness to make things right. As we learn to forgive, we become healthier and better able to make amends. Step Eight has two parts: The first is to make a list of persons we had harmed, and the second is to become willing to make amends. The only physical action required is to make a list. To become willing indicates we are ready for more recovery. Before coming into Nar-Anon, many of us blamed others for the chaos in our lives. We may have even blamed God. We have overcome many barriers within ourselves to get to this point. Thinking with an honest, open, and willing heart helps us accept responsibility for our past actions and eliminates the need to place blame elsewhere. We are learning to move forward. We think over our Fourth Step inventory by remembering events and the people involved. Upon reflection, we may have regrets about our behaviors and wish we could go back and change them. We start making a list in our minds. Eventually we go a bit further and write down names. We then become willing.

~ A Member Shares ~

What, me make amends? I was the one with the steady salary, the one who paid the bills, the one who did the chores. It was my credit rating that was wiped out by bankruptcy due to his addiction. I didn’t sympathize with his pain or try to understand his problems. I judged him and other people too. I thought no one could compare with me and my dedication, my tenacity, my heroic martyrdom. I believed I was a good person, one who had not hurt anyone. I didn’t have any amends to make. I guess it was wrong to yell at my husband just because he yelled first. My friends must have been hurt when I stopped seeing them, and it was certainly wrong to lie to family members. All right, maybe I do have a list to make.


Getting this far in our step work implies we understand that at times we may have been at fault. All we really need is to give ourselves some quiet private time to think about our relationships with other people. Of course, everyone’s list will be unique, but there are general guidelines that can be applied. If we do not think we need to make amends for anything, we should look through our Fourth Step work again. Reviewing character defects improves our memory.

~ Suggestions for Applying Step Eight ~

The purpose of Step Eight is to understand that we only have to become willing to make amends for the harm we caused.

• Prayer, meditation, and journaling will help in working this step. • We do not need to take any action to be willing; we only need to ask our Higher

Power for the readiness and strength to do it. • Make a list of the people we have harmed with the help of our sponsor or another

Nar-Anon member. Preparing to Make a List Of all the people we harmed, more than likely we harmed ourselves the most. The first name on this list might be ours. Did we delay or ignore our own health care, sometimes to the point of serious illness? Did we cancel vacations or drop out of school? Did we berate ourselves for distrusting our instincts and judgments, make unhealthy financial decisions, or deny ourselves simple pleasures? We can make amends to ourselves for not knowing how to cope with our situations and feelings. This is not to say we write off our mistakes, but acknowledge that we are not perfect. The people next on our list might possibly be the people who qualify us for Nar-Anon. Who among us has not been judgmental, antagonistic, or insulting? Our behavior toward the addict and others has not always been considerate and understanding. We may have been indifferent, manipulative, or callous. If we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that our relationship with the addict emphasized many of our character defects. Our character defects existed long before our involvement with the addict. As we reflect further, we may conclude there are people we have harmed who are not directly related to the problems of addiction. Our list may include friends, relatives, colleagues or other people in our lives. When we look at the people we have harmed, we realize our character defects played a major part in interfering with their lives and our relationships. Consequences of our actions may have caused us and others emotional, financial, and physical pain. When we were angry, we may have harmed ourselves with feelings of depression and self-


pity. We may have lashed out at others when confronted with issues of guilt. Our frustration may have led us to try to control others. Fear of abandonment or isolation may also have destroyed our relationships. True intimacy may have been lacking because of our inability to trust. Our list can include all those we have harmed regardless of whether or not they acknowledge what we have done. Many find it useful to refer back to previous steps in order to identify the people we have wronged. Some members start their list with the closest family members, others with those they feel were harmed the most. The list might include people who have passed. Regardless of how the list develops, it is very personal and entirely our decision.

A member shares: In developing my list, I considered arguments I had with family members while trying to defend the addict.

1. How reluctant am I to make this list? Explain. 2. Am I willing to be completely honest? 3. What role does the God of my understanding have in this step? 4. How can a sponsor or another Nar- Anon member help me work this step? 5. In what ways have I harmed myself? 6. Why is it important to forgive myself?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” SESH - page 203 – July 21

Making a List When we make our list, it is important to remember there is no right or wrong way to begin. Answering the following questions may help us in deciding who to include on our list: 7. How did I ignore the needs of my children in my obsession with the addict? 8. How was I angry or impatient with relatives or friends who tried to give me

advice? 9. Did I isolate myself in an attempt to hide the problems associated with addiction? 10. How have those relationships that meant the most to me been affected by my

behaviors? 11. How have I mistreated others because of my state of mind? 12. Did I avoid anyone (family or friends)? If so, when and why? 13. Did I lie or engage in some form of inappropriate conduct in an attempt to protect

my secrets or to cover for the addict?


14. How have I neglected myself, family, friends, community, or my Higher Power? 15. Have I entered agreements then refused to abide by the terms? 16. Have I misused funds or resources (borrowing or extravagant spending), especially

if trying to buy love or friendship? 17. Did I neglect my health, education, career and/ or productivity?

~ Members Share on Making a List ~

~ My list will have to include my daughter, who is not an addict. She was always the good one. I thought she was so independent and mature because she did everything for herself without my help - the opposite of her brother who is an addict. It was not until I started working the steps that I realized I had neglected her. I spent more time and energy on my son than on my daughter. The money wasted on getting my son out of trouble could have been spent more wisely on her education. Spiritually I was not there for her. Morally I was teaching her that bad behavior received more attention. Yes, my daughter is definitely on my list.

~ Living with active addiction before Nar-Anon was a very dark period. At one point, I lost so much weight a friend thought I was abusing drugs. I was sick with worry every time a crisis occurred. An amend I owe myself is to become better able to act in my own best interest regardless of the addict’s situation.

Here is a sample format that can be used to make a list. It may find it easier to start by listing the person and the harm. It is helpful to include the reason why someone is on the list. Careful consideration will help us when we are ready to make amends.

Person harmed

Our wrongdoings Effect on others Effect on us

Become Willing The next part of this step is to become willing to make amends. It does not say make amends at this point; it just says to become willing. This may not come easily. The same humility necessary for the Fifth Step, admitting the exact nature of our wrongs, will be needed for true willingness to make amends. Amends come more easily from a


heart free of resentments. Insights we gained from working the earlier steps may lead us to see we cannot make progress unless we make peace with the past. We are reminded that the Nar-Anon program is gentle in its application, and no matter how long it takes, we are never asked to do anything unless we are ready. With help from our Higher Power and a sponsor or a trusted program friend, we understand that working Step Eight is an act of self-love and healing.

18. Is there someone I am unwilling to include on my list and why? 19. Are resentments and grudges still interfering with my willingness to make amends? 20. How does my pride prevent me from becoming willing? 21. In what ways do I harm myself by remaining unwilling? 22. What do I think I am giving up when I become willing? 23. How do I become willing to make amends without expecting anything in return? 24. How can I trust my Higher Power to lead me in this process? 25. What are my feelings as I become willing? Explain each.

A member shares: I have not handled relationships in a healthy manner. In fact, there may have been times when I have harmed others because of the fear and frustration I felt in dealing with active addiction. Whatever the issue, applying the knowledge I have obtained using this program has brought healing to many aspects of my life. Each year my Step Eight list becomes smaller, yet it must always include me!

~ A Step Eight Story ~

Suddenly I realized I had not yet put my new registration sticker on my license plate. Preoccupied with work, I had forgotten to do this simple thing. The deadline was the next morning and I had misplaced the sticker. Possible consequence: getting a ticket. Not a big deal, but this seemed terrible to my angry, tired, procrastinating, perfectionistic mind. I lost it. My perfectionism and lack of prioritizing was in full force as I tore through the house searching. My disease looks amazingly similar, if not identical, to the addict’s at times. When my thinking gets twisted, I can be quite insane. My husband gently offered help in the search but to no avail. With a little focus and gratitude for my dear one’s loving kindness, I found some sense. I prayed and meditated on my situation. I decided to go to bed, hoping I would wake up rested and in a better mood. The next morning, I found the registration sticker in five minutes. I realized I needed to do something about my overreactions. Step Eight is all about willingness. It is not the actual amend, but the total honesty (back to my Step Four inventory), open mindedness (sharing and finding integrity and acceptance in Step Five) and the willingness (becoming entirely ready to let go of my


more objectionable qualities in Step Six). Then, humbly and fully cognizant of reality, we asked God to remove our shortcomings in Step Seven. Here I was at Step Eight. Being a long-time member of Nar-Anon, I have climbed these steps many times. I have already become willing to make amends to those who were, for me, the “easy” and the “sort-of-easy” names on the list. Now comes the difficult part. Just as those who are closest to the addict are most affected, I too hurt the ones who loved me most. When I was in denial, I made excuses for being awful toward my husband and myself. To become willing, I have to enter the realm of forgiveness. I like to think of this as being “for giving”. With the help of my Higher Power, I am ready to put myself and my husband on the list and become willing to make amends for my part. Becoming willing in Step Eight creates the path to Step Nine. When I take Step Eight, there is hope for me to change my behavior. I am looking forward to working Step Nine with my name and my husband’s name on the list.

~ Reflections on Step Eight ~

In Step Eight, we address past harms by taking a comprehensive look at our personal relationships. To mend those relationships, we must first make a list of those we have harmed. We are then asked to become willing to make amends to those on our list. It is important to acknowledge that the only thing we need to do is make a list and become willing. The action of making amends is not required in this step. Working this step is personal and can be done in many ways. It is important to remember that our ongoing recovery and spiritual growth requires willingness. We must let our Higher Power be our guide. It may also be beneficial to discuss our feelings with our sponsors as we prepare to move forward. The completion of Step Eight releases us from lingering isolation. We have been freed by the emotional and mental changes made through the process of this step. We feel a weight being lifted from our shoulders. We are now ready for the challenge of working Step Nine.


STEP NINE

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Getting to the Ninth Step has been a challenging journey. Working the preceding steps has helped us recognize our part in the struggles in our lives. In the Eighth Step we made a list of those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This willingness releases us from our hard feelings and puts things in perspective so we may find serenity. We are then free to continue our personal growth by facing our past and putting it behind us so we can move forward. For many of us it was difficult to understand we had harmed anyone. Living with the physical, emotional, and spiritual wreckage caused by the disease of addiction left us feeling others were the cause of what had gone wrong. Step Nine begins with acceptance of ourselves. As we learn to forgive ourselves we are better able to make amends to ourselves and others. We look back over our lives to see when we were at fault. We learn to build new and better relationships. Amends are an essential element in our relationship with our Higher Power. This does not indicate that making amends to others is a precondition imposed upon us by our Higher Power. Having made a request in our Seventh Step to have our shortcomings removed, we will inevitably feel a need to clean up and repair any damage we have caused. We may not be completely ready to make amends to everyone on our list the first time around. Take time to meditate; we should not force ourselves into a situation for which we are not ready. It is suggested we let our Higher Power show us the means, the time, and the place to make our amends. Allowing ourselves to forgive others is sometimes difficult. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance of another person’s humanity with all their imperfections. Anger and resentments, which may have been accumulating for years, are powerful obstacles. Only by letting go of past resentments are we able to make amends and release emotions which may have kept us separated from one another. We most likely need to make amends to the addict. If we are honest with ourselves, we can see how we have tried to control and manipulate the addict in the past. Our instincts told us we needed to fix the situation. Regardless of our motives we were trying to change others rather than ourselves. This we learned was an impossible feat. There are others in our lives to whom we must be willing to make amends, even when we fear they will be unable to forgive us. Sometimes we are surprised by the response we receive; other times the relationship is beyond mending. Ultimately, the response of


others is not what is important. The real work to be done is for our recovery. As we apply the changed attitudes we have developed in the earlier steps to the process of making amends, we experience the satisfaction of forgiving ourselves and others.

~ Suggestions for Applying Step Nine ~ As we work toward the peace we are seeking we may find the following suggestions helpful: • Start with our amends list from Step Eight. • Enlist the help of our sponsor for guidance. • Ask our Higher Power to reveal opportune moments to make amends. • Ask our Higher Power to give us courage. • We do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Remember no one has the

right to mistreat us. Ask if any of the stumbling blocks below apply to me: • Do I think making amends might be embarrassing or humiliating for me? • Am I procrastinating or making up excuses? • Is my attitude confrontational? • Am I afraid or intimidated? • Do I harbor resentments toward anyone on my list?

A member shares: After working my first Fourth Step, I was excited and ready to continue my journey in this program. I had a goal and a direction. I made a decision to get to the place in my life where I could make amends. I chose to free myself from the guilt, anger, and resentments I had held onto for such a long time. In the beginning the Ninth Step was frightening, now it had become my friend.

Getting Started With Step Nine Step Nine is about repairing and rebuilding relationships. Through the process of making amends, we make restitution and begin to mend the damage from our past. In Step Eight, we surveyed the damage to make our list. In Step Nine, we go into action. After prayer, meditation and speaking with our sponsor, we decide the appropriate method to make each amend. We need to distinguish between apologizing and making amends. When we apologize, we acknowledge and express regret for a fault or wrong we have committed. When we make amends, we take an action to remove or correct the fault that we made or right the wrong we have done to others. We are not trying to justify our actions. We may need to remind ourselves to not feel guilty for the decisions and choices we made in the past. We used the tools we had at the time to make the


decisions we thought were best. We approach each person on our list with gentleness, sensitivity, and understanding. We ask our Higher Power to provide us with the wisdom and direction we need and to help us overcome our fears and apprehension if they arise. Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, and courage are the qualities we need to do Step Nine. Just saying, “I am sorry if I hurt you,” sidesteps our responsibilities. We usually know when we have hurt someone. An honest attempt at making amends will promote better relationships with others. This will help rebuild our self-esteem so that we may live in harmony with others and our Higher Power. 1. List ways making amends can help me let go of past guilt or blame to aid

in my recovery. 2. What resentments and grudges still interfere with my willingness to make

amends?

A member shares: It’s time for me to make amends and understand how I can do that without harming others. I need to do this humbly with an attitude of harmony and peace. I call on my Higher Power to help me know his will for my life and to act accordingly.

Made Direct Amends In Step Eight we became willing to make amends to those we had harmed. Under the guidance of our sponsor we came to understand that amends are for our peace and well-being. We understand that unresolved issues are emotionally destructive and, if not addressed, will eventually result in an emotional burden. Rather than carry that burden we are encouraged to make amends. We recognize we cannot undo the past. We express regret for our past misdeeds and commit ourselves to more appropriate behavior in the future. Direct is the key word. We can invite the person to meet with us, or if face to face contact is not possible, a phone call or a letter is acceptable. It is important to acknowledge that certain amends require an apology and a remedy. An example would be if what we did resulted in material loss to another. In this case, verbal amends should include an offer of material compensation. Timing is important. Some amends require deferred action. It is not advisable to approach a person who is still in a great deal of pain and suffers from the harm we have caused. Haste may cause further injury and will not help our personal growth or reconciliation. It may take years for the time to be right to make some amends just as there may be instances where the timing may never be right for a direct amends.


3. What is the difference between making an apology and making amends? 4. To which people on my list do I need to make direct amends? 5. How can I plan what I am going to say in order to be concise and avoid blame? 6. Have I considered practicing or role playing a direct amends scenario with my

sponsor or another trusted Nar-Anon member? 7. What does it mean “to be carrying baggage”? How might this concept relate to

making amends? 8. If my amends are rejected, am I willing to accept the result? 9. Am I concerned about how I will be treated when I make amends? Indirect Amends We may not be able to make direct amends to someone because they are deceased, their location is unknown, or they are inaccessible for some reason. We may make indirect amends to these people through prayer, writing a letter that is not mailed, by doing a kindness to someone else, or performing community service relating to the amends or the person. 10. Are there people on my list to whom I need to make indirect amends? If so, who? 11. What can I do to offer a kindness to another that would fill the needs of my

indirect amends? 12. How can writing my indirect amends help me to heal?

~ A Member Shares ~

Working Step Nine was hard for me. I had injured one person who, at an early age in my life, had also injured me - my sister. I retaliated by saying mean things to her and about her. When I found Nar-Anon, I started to work the steps. I knew I had to make amends to my sister regardless of what had happened between us. I learned through Nar-Anon, I can only change myself and no one else. With the help of my Higher Power, I sat down and wrote her a letter. In it, I told her I loved her and needed my sister in my life. I hoped she could forgive me for saying and doing things that hurt her. I never received a response from her. I am not sure she forgave me, but I do know my Higher Power did. Today I feel at peace. I will never know if she has forgiven me, because a year and half ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She does not know who I am, but at least she is still a part of my life. I know both of us have a Higher Power and He is working in both our lives. I thank Nar-Anon and all who share their experience, strength, and hope with me.


Amends to Ourselves Usually we have harmed ourselves the most and need to take the time to set things right. Some examples of this harm would be tolerating intolerable behavior, neglecting our health, misusing our finances, and ignoring education or employment responsibility. The defects and behaviors we identified in our Step Four inventory will help us decide to include ourselves when making our Step Eight list. Step Nine allows us to complete the work we began in the previous steps. We find changing the behaviors we discovered is one way to make amends to ourselves, for instance, seeing a doctor regularly, establishing personal boundaries, setting up a budget or savings plan, pampering ourselves and setting aside time for spiritual reflection. Making amends to others is easier when we begin with us. 13. What behaviors have I changed by making amends to myself? 14. How have I harmed myself by holding onto resentments? 15. What financial goal can I set and what is my plan to achieve that goal? 16. What is my favorite way to treat myself? 17. How has making time for spirituality enhanced my recovery?

~ A Member Shares A Story on Amends ~

As I began making my list of amends, one of the people on my list was my older son. His father had abandoned me while I was pregnant and we only spoke of him twice in 30 years. I felt I needed to make amends for controlling his access to his father. Despite any excuse I made, the real reason I never talked about his father was that I held resentments for his leaving us. I withheld any relationship my son could have because I felt his father didn’t deserve it. During a step workshop I shared with my partner that I had resentment against one person I was not able to let go. My partner said I would always hurt until I let it go. He said, “Try praying to bless him and to change yourself.” I laughed, but agreed to try. When I found out my son’s father had cancer, It became clear I needed to let go of the bad feelings I had harbored for so long. I spoke honestly to my son about his father and my feelings of abandonment. I apologized for playing God. I gave him the information he needed to make contact if he wished to do so. Then I let it go. I found a tremendous amount of peace in my heart by releasing that resentment.


Except When to Do So Would Injure Them or Others There can be situations where making amends could result in serious consequences. There may be the threat of violence and further emotional or verbal abuse. In cases of infidelity, there are possible irreparable damages which could harm others. Remember that injuring others may include us. Other examples of injury are loss of employment, imprisonment, or alienation from family. Careful consideration of the amends to be made is recommended. Talk with a sponsor, pray, meditate and seek guidance from Power greater than ourselves. Sometimes partial restitution is all that is needed. 18. What situations apply to this section that may require I wait for a better

time in the future? 19. Is there any way I can make a partial amends?

~ A Step Nine Story ~

I grew up with several addicts in my family. As a child, I handled things the best I could and always felt I did well considering the circumstances. Both my father and brother died due to complications caused by their addiction. While working Step Eight, I put myself on the top of the list of persons I had harmed. Naturally, I was also first on my amends list when I began Step Nine, followed by my mother, father, and brother. Making amends to myself was the easiest. I had wounds that festered over the years and inflicted wounds I never recognized. Understanding the source of those wounds was comforting, and I finally came to grips with the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family. I believe that working this program and attending meetings on a regular basis are each a form of amends. When I was young, I treated my father with contempt. As an adult, I found myself behaving the same way toward all addicts. Changing that behavior is an action that speaks louder than words and is the best way I found to make amends. Turning contempt into compassion allows me to view addicts differently. Every time I treat my addicted daughter, or any addict, with respect and understanding rather than contempt, I pay homage to my brother and father. My deceased mother is another person on my amends list. I was often angry at my mother for doing things for my father that he should have done for himself. I had no understanding or patience for my mother’s enabling, and I often let her know how I felt in a very disrespectful manner. I have now “walked a mile in her shoes” as later I did the same thing with my daughter. My amends to my mother include helping newcomers get an understanding of this difficult problem and doing it with love, kindness, and respect. I see my mother in every newcomer.


The self-healing I experienced by making amends was a pleasant surprise and lifted a burden I carried since childhood. Making amends to myself was long overdue. I can proceed down my list feeling a little lighter and more willing to make direct amends to my daughter and others.

~ Reflections on Step Nine ~

Step Nine is a very powerful and empowering process. It offers us the opportunity to develop the kind of relationships we would like and grow into the people we want to be. In Nar-Anon we choose to develop new relationships and associate with like-minded individuals. In Step Seven we gained humility. Now we use our humility to make direct amends to those we harmed. In Step Eight we used our sponsor or trusted program friend to identify individuals we had harmed and the damage caused. We prepared for the encounter by praying for courage, strength, good judgment, and guidance. In Step Nine we may choose a quiet and neutral place to make direct amends. When face-to- face contact is not possible, we can write a letter or make a phone call. If a person has passed away, we may choose to offer an act of charity in the name of the deceased. It is important to remember that amends are mostly for our own benefit. It can free us from the burden of guilt and shame. We ask nothing from the other person but to listen and receive our amends. We do not ask for forgiveness nor do we rationalize or expect understanding. We offer amends, strive to change our behaviors, and let go of the outcome. The Ninth Step asks us to make amends to those we have harmed. This does not mean to just say we are sorry; something we may have assumed was required. Changed behavior is a sincere means of making amends. The desire to make a sincere effort to continue our path of recovery and awareness now leads us to Step Ten.

Documents

THE NAR-ANON THIRTY-SIX · THE NAR-ANON THIRTY-SIX Steps Four - Nine Presentedtothefellowship(onDecember(3,(2013(forapprovalatWSC2014(© 2013 NFGH Inc. All rights …