The Networker- November/December 2012

November/December 2012 In this Issue...

The Celebration Gap ............ 1

Piece of My Mind ................ 5

Christmas Gift Guide .......... 6

12 Days of Christmas .......... 7

Christmastime ..................... 8

Support Chats ..................... 9

Holiday Wisdom ............... 10

Mom’s Energy ................... 12

Events ................................. 13

Professionals ..................... 14

The mission of the Attachment &

Trauma Network (ATN) is to:

Promote healing of families through

support, education and advocacy.

You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone! You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone!

The NetworkerThe NetworkerThe Networkerne!

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You’r

The Celebration Gap Anna Paravano, M.S.

As a child, I remember learning in history class that warring countries would call a “cease fire” on Christmas Eve so that those who honored Christmas could do so in peace. I found it fascinating that complete strangers from warring factions, of different nationalities, faiths and ideologies could agree on a cease fire for a holiday when they couldn’t agree on anything else. I don’t know about you, but I would love to have this option for the holiday season! Just to cry-out, “Cease Fire!!!” and everyone sits down, acts civil and eats their portion of turkey without complaint or drama. Yet, for those of us espousing the intentional practice of attachment-focused and trauma-informed parenting, the start of the holiday season can also signal a time of year when it almost feels like our family

members are at war. Managing the holidays can feel like we’re walking through a mine field without a map – you just don’t know when you’ll trip a trigger that has

the potential for derailing an entire day as our kiddos struggle within themselves and we all fight to survive until the ebb and flow of our lives begin to feel “normal” again.

I grew up celebrating Christmas. “Buon Natale!” is the Italian version of “Merry Christmas.” Being a 1st generation Italian-American, this is the greeting I’ve heard since I was born. In our tradition, it’s basically how you say “Hello” for 31 days of the year, December 1st through the 31st. As a little girl, I also thought of it as the greeting that heralded the beginning of my family’s exceedingly social holiday season extravaganza. I’m not talking

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about gifts or opulent decorations – that isn’t what the holidays were about for me.

My mother’s entire family immigrated to the United States in the late 1950’s from a small village tucked into the foothills in the mountains of the Abbruzzi region in central Italy. Their material possessions were few. But what they lacked in material wealth they made up for through an endless ability to entertain themselves with games, music, good food, conversation, storytelling and tons of laughter. They brought these sensibilities and style of celebration to the U.S. and instilled them into those of us who became the 1st generation of Italian-Americans.

So for me, the expression of Buon Natale (or Good Christmas) automatically triggers a flood of images and sensations: the smiling facing of loved ones, simply decorated but beautifully set tables to receive family and friends, countless nickel and dime card games, many rounds of Italian-style bingo played with dried pinto beans (really!) and the ever-present carols sung by everyone in both Italian and English. Even as I write this, my heart is filled with emotion as I am struck anew for both the simplicity and genuine sense of community conveyed through those yearly traditions that cause(d) me to feel safe, secure, and happy to this day. Their yearly repetition created in me an expectation that each year the same thing would happen again and again regardless of the year’s events.

As I looked forward to sharing these cherished traditions with my own son, within the 1st of year our life

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together I became acutely aware that he had a very different set of expectations surrounding the idea of “celebrations.” He celebrated his first birthday after he became my son; he was 5 years old and had no idea what a birthday or a party was. He was also 5 when we faced celebrating our 1st Christmas together. I say that we “faced” it together because he had no idea what any of this meant and he genuinely needed a lot of help understanding what was happening.

When I would introduce the subject of Christmas the same thing always happened – it was kind-of like flipping on the TV to watch the same episode of a show over and over again. Although he spoke limited English, he would regale me (and anyone else who would listen) with the exciting story of the Christmas tradition practiced at the orphanage where he lived. First, he would run up the stairs and grab a pillowcase from his room. Then he would point to the front door and while knocking on the door he would say (in a very loud voice), “Boom, Boom, Boom!” With the pillowcase thrown over his shoulder, he would act-out walking through the front door, then stomp his feet and say something very loud in Ukrainian (his native language) that I did not understand but I’m guessing it was “Merry Christmas!” Then he’d reach into the empty pillowcase and with a twinkle in his eyes he’d whisper to me, “Candy, Mama… Candy!” He’d pretend he was pulling candy out of the pillowcase and would begin throwing into the room, imaging that all the children from his ward at the orphanage were there to catch it and enjoy. Once all the invisible candy was distributed, he’d do a dance –like a little jig and pretend he was leaving through the front door. Then he would laugh uproariously, throw himself on the sofa next to me, and happily say something like, “See Mama, lots of fun” and pat his tummy. I could see and feel his excitement at the anticipation of this wonderful tradition being repeated in his new home.

My heart sank when I realized that this had been his one and only Christmas tradition and it was as precious to him as mine were to me. He didn’t know about: presents (he’d never owned anything before), or holiday decorations, or big dinners, or smiling friends and family or card games or bingo or caroling or feeling happy or safe or peaceful… All he knew was “Boom, Boom, Boom!” followed by eating a few pieces of candy


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handed to him by a stranger, and he waited for this all year around.

It was at this moment that I began to wrap my brain around the sheer volume of information that he did not know about the holidays, the enormity of the task ahead of us both, and I became completely overwhelmed and sad. He knew nothing about a traditional holiday season in his own country, let alone what was about to befall him in his new country. I could not imagine how this tiny, previously impoverished, traumatized boy, living in a huge building set behind a wall, in a little village with dirt roads and no TV was going to sort through the overwhelming circus of stimulation that typifies Christmas in North America. Not to mention the gifts (omg!) and navigating through the ocean of emotional interactions waiting for him at the home of loving grandparents and family members thrilled to welcome him with open arms, into their cheerfully decorated houses for his 1st Christmas in the embrace of our family.

Yikes! Where was I supposed to begin educating this child with limited language, from a completely different culture, socio-economic position, etc. on this most intensely materialistic and stimulating of seasons? So, I thought to start by getting him a video. It was the Christmas episode of a program that he already watched called “Out Of the Box.” It showed children and adults working together to make gifts and craft items for the holidays. That went pretty well.

Second, I tried to introduce the idea of a Christmas tree and show him how the house was going to change. This was less successful. He became completely upset. He looked at me sternly, put his hand-out in a gesture to stop me from speaking further and said, “No, Mama! Boom, Boom, Boom!” and started his entire Christmas story all over again.

Well, we did get a tree but he hated it. Seriously – he tried to move it, kick it, and push it. When it didn’t leave, he decided to show his continued contempt and


disapproval by shooting hate-filled glares at it, knocking the ornaments off, throwing things at it. Needless to say, the concept of Santa was completely off the table… He became extremely upset at the notion that a stranger could enter our house through the chimney.

Try as I might, I couldn’t figure out how to bridge the celebration gap that lay between us… I couldn’t figure out how to create that “cease-fire” moment so we could agree to enjoy even one thing in peace. Then out of nowhere, something happened… I don’t recall exactly how it came about – or where the book came from… but someone (probably a grandparent) had given my son a small board book about the origins of Christmas. Although he had a love/relationship with books, this one caught his eye and he brought it to me. Pointing to the baby in the nativity scene on the cover he asked me, “Who dis baby?” I told him that it was the baby Jesus. “He code (i.e. cold)?” Maybe a little but I told him that is why the animals surrounded him, so he wouldn’t be cold. “Where him mama?” I pointed to his parents. “Oh… him mama dare (there)?” I asked him if he wanted to hear the story about the baby and he said yes. So I went through the book, changing the words so he would understand the story of the poor little baby boy who’s birthday we were all getting ready to celebrate except that instead of calling it a birthday party, we called it Christmas. My son’s eyes lit-up and he said, “Mama, he like me!” And there it was… a bridge, a connection, a common ground, the basis and beginning of our cease-fire. My son could now see that we were changing the house and preparing to celebrate for a very specific purpose that he could relate to… This was all to celebrate the birthday of a poor little boy, born in a stable who grew-up to be smart and strong, then ended-

up helping a lot of people. Now, was something he could support!

My son is now 15 years old and speaks English very clearly when he’s not mumbling like a typical teenager. We’ve lived through 10 holiday seasons together – some of them filled with more peace than others. I won’t kid you, it hasn’t


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been easy or simple because the celebration gap between us was so huge and this type of parenting is just plain complicated. But things have continued to evolve as we have both gained more regulation and understanding of what we are really dealing with.

When he gained more language, he told me a bit more about his cherished Christmas tradition. He explained that after the man with the pillowcase left the orphanage, the staff would quickly collect the candy the children had been given and take it away. He said he remembers having one or two pieces as he watched the rest disappear. I always wondered why he anxiously hid his gifts after he opened them… perhaps this might explain it.

Over the years, we have developed what works for us and recreated our individual traditions into our own family traditions. The free flowing, energetic, extremely


The Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN) recognizes that each child's history and biology is unique to that child.

Because of this we believe there is no one therapy or parenting method that will benefit every child.

What works for one child may not work for another child.

Many children may benefit from a combination of different therapeutic parenting methods and trauma-sensitive, attachment-focused treatments.

We encourage parents to research different treatments and parenting methods in order to determine what will work best for their unique children.

www.attachtrauma.org

social holiday with family and friends are now limited to a couple of social visits that are short, low-key, and with plenty of structural support if my son needs it to stay regulated. He is continuing to develop the notion that he can expect good things to happen, his gifts to remain his own, and that the house will return to normal after the new year begins.

So, my desire to share with my son some cherished traditions handed to me from my parents is coming to life but looks very different that I might have imagined. As I look back on the celebrations and traditions, I have come to realize that all our socializing was about one thing… we were together. Every year we celebrated by seeing each other, greeting one another, sharing food, music, laughter and facing another year together, as a family… That was the tradition – and now, bit by bit, my son is learning it too.

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2012 Annual Report with more details on all the ways ATN has grown and spread awareness this year. Research is showing that the problem of early childhood trauma and resulting RAD and Developmental Trauma Disorder continue to grow much faster than most people are aware. ATN is dedicated to serving these children and families, and the need is overwhelming.

If you have the opportunity to tell other families or people in your community about early childhood trauma, let ATN help you. We’re happy to provide brochures and other materials or help

you prepare a presentation or information that you can share. The more voices we have “singing in the ATN choir” the louder our collective voice becomes.

Thank you all for what you do for our children. So many of you struggle daily with so many challenges in your own families or as a professional helping many families and yet you find time to give back through participating in online groups, Support Buddies, donating time and money to the cause. THANK YOU!

So, despite all the challenges – the ATN Board wishes you a very Joyous Holiday Season and a Peaceful New Year!

It’s that time of year again! Notice how I didn’t say “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”? Maybe it is at your house. But chances are, even if your traumatized child has significantly healed and your family has made significant adjustments and progress, the holidays present some challenges.

So, what’s the best gift anyone could give you? An understanding ear? Some wisdom from parents who have been there? A cyberhug? Guess what! This issue is chock full of all of these things!

Have I told you that ATN has 27 active volunteers? We have 12 board members and 13 others doing a variety of tasks – all are working tirelessly for free because they believe in ATN’s mission. So, when Kelly Killian (our Networker Editor) was scouring through back issues and the internet looking for articles, we asked if our volunteers wanted to contribute. And before we could blink, this issue was FULL of hard-earned experience and advice to help you not only survive, but thrive, during this holiday season.

If 2012 has been good to you and now is the time you’re able to give back, we invite you to remember ATN this holiday season. You should soon be receiving ATN’s

Piece of My Mind

Julie Beem ATN Executive Director

Happy Holidays from ATN!

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“What does little Johnny want for Christmas this year?”

Does that question send chills down your spine? Does your chest tighten? Do you want to tell your sister the truth? That Johnny doesn’t play? That it’s not safe to give him any gift that might later become a projectile aimed at Mom? That any toy not designed for an institutional setting will surely be destroyed by nightfall? That paying for therapy might be the best gift any of you could receive?

You’re probably not going to share all that with Sis. If you could, you already would have. Instead, here are some ideas for a great Christmas list.

ACTIVITIES

Classes – cooking, dance, gymnastics, art (Think of it as respite!)

Tickets to a children’s production

Tokens for Chuck-e-Cheese or an arcade

Gift certificates to a local bounce house, Sky Zone, etc.

MEMBERSHIPS – family membership to your local zoo, children’s museum, aquarium, botanical garden, YMCA (and of course an ATN membership makes a great gift for you!)

CREATIVE

Art & craft supplies

Construction toys - Legos, K’nex, Make-Do (www.mymakedo.com )

FAMILY TIME

Card games, board games

Videos, video games

Stove-top hand-crank popcorn popper

A Christmas Gift Guide List assembled by Kathleen Benckendorf –

content by the moms of ETAAM (Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting)

ACTIVE (many of these count for sensory stimulation as well!)

Fun fitness videos / games (Wii / Xbox Kinect)

Nerf toys, nerf guns

Indoor crawl tunnel

Scooter, bike, jump rope, pogo stick, scooter board

Mini trampoline, moon shoes, jump rope, pull-up bar

Slackline

Hoops for hooping (and segmented ones can be used to make hoop mazes, helping kids with proprioception and vestibular senses)

SENSORY TOYS / SUPPLIES

Chewelry, fidgets - http://www.nationalautismresources.com/chewelry.html

Weighted blankets, weighted vests

Bilibo http://www.bilibo.com/ great for rocking, spinning, and so many other uses

Cocoon sock (www.esportsonline.com, www.amazon.com)

Belgau balance board

MEDIA

Books, audiobooks, movies (All of these can be for family time, or individual time)

CDs with relaxation / meditation themes (Deep Sleep Every Night knocks me out before the first track is half over, every time)

Gift cards for Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Audible.com

Video games – especially fitness, active, or family-suitable

Becky Bailey music CDs http://consciousdiscipline.com/store/pc/viewCategories.asp?idCategory=6 (And, of course, the book I Love You Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey)


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In April 1999, when our adopted kids were placed with us, our bio kids were 9 and 4, and our adopted kids were 11, 9, 8, and 4. (Yes, we not only disrupted the birth order, we artificially twinned twice.) We were living roughly nine hours from where our families of origin lived, and we knew Christmas was going to be cuh-razy. We’d be traveling, which would interfere with any traditions we wanted to build ourselves. That many kids, so close together, meant LOTS of gifts, LOTS of wrapping paper, and probably LOTS of frenzy. It was enough to overwhelm a neurotypical child, but how much more so for our kids with a trauma history, still adjusting to a new family?

And so our very own Twelve Days of Christmas tradition was born. We started before Christmas, making Christmas the Twelfth Day. We made each day special in some way. We even opened some gifts before Christmas, as we wanted time to enjoy the gifts with the kids before traveling. If we had a big gift for all the kids together, that one gift might be the focus of the entire evening, giving them time to really play with it and get to know it. We might go to a Christmas play or concert one night. Another night, we might watch Christmas videos and drink Mexican hot chocolate. Another night it might be a religious tradition, or a family meal followed by board games or driving around to look at Christmas lights. We usually read The Very Best Christmas Pageant Ever over several nights. We made cookies and a monster batch of Chex® Mix.

AT-HOME THERAPEUTIC & EDUCATIONAL

HeartMath

Audiblox

Fast ForWord

AVE Audio Visual Entrainment (www.mindalive.com; webinar here http://tinyurl.com/dydk4py)

MISCELLANEOUS

Batteries for electronic devices

Basket of favorite snacks / treats

Bubble wrap

Gift certificate for a local drop-in daycare

Gift certificate for respite

May you receive gifts that make your home a more peaceful and therapeutic place this year.


When the kids were all still living at home, one night became socks and underwear night. The way they all went through socks, not just wearing them out but leaving them everywhere, I refused to buy socks except once a year, at Christmas. If they ran out before then, they had to fork over their allowance for socks. At any rate, socks and underwear night became a family joke. When the kids started moving out, they wanted to know if they would still get socks and underwear at Christmas, or if they were going to have to buy their own!

Some things have stayed the same over the years. We still make it a point to get together and watch some of our favorite Christmas movies. On Christmas Eve, we cook strips of steak in skewers in the fireplace and eat them for dinner. We still spend Christmas Day with extended family.

As the years have passed, however, some of our activities changed. When we moved back to St. Louis a few years ago, the Christmas lights tradition became driving around to look at lights, followed by a stop at Ted Drewes to eat frozen custard in the freezing outdoors.

We only have two kids left at home, and we don’t stick to a full “Twelve Days” schedule, but we do make it a point to get together and share some of the same activities we did when they were kids. They’re now 17-25, and they always remember and talk fondly and happily about those good ol’ days. And I count that as a success.

Twelve Days of Christmas – Low Stress Style By Kathleen Benckendorf

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Before we had children, my husband and I had an established love of the holiday season. We would start as early as October. I am not talking about the shopping, sales, and stores. I am talking the warmth, love, and good will. We loved to decorate our home and listen to Christmas music.

Our son spent his first Christmas with us in 1999 and was adopted from state custody in 2000. At the age of 5, he already thought Santa did not exist. The first year he was placed with us, he went around his school, telling as many children as possible that there was no Santa. We later discovered during therapy that he went at least one Christmas with nothing. Every Autumn, after the struggle of getting him back into a school routine, he would usually start “tanking” just before Thanksgiving and would not get back to better regulation until the new year.

We have tried lots of different strategies over the past 13 years to survive the holidays. We were very hesitant to give up our big decorating and Christmas-carol-playing festivities at home.

Our first attempt to help him with the holidays was the Apple Tree. At the suggestion of our attachment therapist, we purchased a 4-foot fake tree and apple ornaments. On each ornament, we wrote the name of someone he wanted to remember during the holidays. It was up to him. Some years, certain people were not put up. Bio-parents and half-siblings were added even though it had been a closed adoption. It was very telling to see who went up on that tree year after year. It was also a good reminder that, while not in his life now, his bio family was on his mind.

The Tree would go up just before Thanksgiving. Two years ago, he asked to not put the tree up. He is 18 now and we always offer to put it up every year. He seems to have lost interest.

Part of Christmas includes attending a large family gathering at the grandparents’ house. As many can attest, it is even stressful for those who did not suffer early childhood trauma. For my son, it has always been

Christmastime: Helping Our Traumatized Son Manage the Holidays

Stephanie Garde, JD very hard. And, as many know, saying “no” to such a gathering is simply out of the question, even if it might have been in the best interest of our son. Trying to balance the needs of our son against the outright indignation of family has become much easier with time. But, at the beginning, it was a challenge.

A few things we did for the family gatherings did help. The first was the gift distribution. With a large number of grandchildren, the family enjoyed the idea of all of the kids opening presents at the same time. This chaos was finally made easier for my son with the request that all of his presents be put into a separate pile. He could see all of them. He could plan how he opened them.

We also made sure he could remove himself when he needed to. He did not always KNOW he needed to. The early years saw us removing him from the fracas only after he had melted down. As time went on, he started removing himself. He is quick to go outside and we always hope the weather cooperates.

We have delayed some of the decorating and carol-playing. We listen to carols when he is at school. No decorations are up yet. We will decorate before our travel at Thanksgiving which is much later for us.

Before finding an attachment therapist, the early years were a time when we had to fight our own selfish,


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negative feelings. The un-therapeutic parent would be very indignant that this child had come into our lives and “refused” to adapt to our traditions. It did not seem fair. We were giving him traditions. We were giving him a family. Why on Earth would he become so dysregulated?

Well, years of attachment and trauma therapy have made it crystal clear to us. The holidays are just one example of triggers that he just might not be able to express to us. When we figure out what the triggers are and work together as a team to help him, we have success. We may take two steps back for every one step forward but it is not us against him. It is all of us against his trauma and his triggers.

Today, I know he has our traditions. We attend the Boston Pops Christmas concert every year. He jokes with others that his parents are crazy Christmas people. He voluntarily serves the Christmas Mass at our Church. He helps decorate the Church. We pick names off of the trees at Church and have the most fun getting those items to give to the needy. We have purchased the adoption ornament every year since he was placed with us. We now have a small tree full of Radko ornaments celebrating adoption.

I do not think we will ever achieve a perfect balance. What family does? But, we will continue to tweak, adjust, and work with him to help him through this time of year while maintaining the spirit and love of the season.


ATN Monthly Support Chats

Our email-based parent support groups are wonderful, but have you ever wanted to actually hear the voice of another parent who understands what you are going through? If so, please join us for the monthly ATN Support Chats.

You can join these chats via your computer or on the phone – whatever works best for you. Any ATN member or trial member can join these sessions.

Mark your calendars for the following dates and we will send out meeting details closer to the first meeting.

December 10th

All ATN Support Chats for this quarter will take place on a Monday, beginning at 9 p.m. Eastern/8 p.m. Central/7 p.m. Mountain/6 p.m. Pacific. Calls will have volunteer parent-facilitators to help keep conversation flowing.

Please join us to experience that you are truly NOT ALONE!

This Issue’s Contributors—All are part of our fabulous Board of Directors Anna Paravano lives in CA with her son, adopted internationally. A professional interior designer, educator and now therapeutic mom, Anna is passionate about helping other parents learn and is developing the curriculum for ATN’s Learning Center.

Kathleen Benckendorf is the parent of 6 from St. Louis. She’s passionate about helping families find the healing they need to stay together and build healthy relationships.

Stephanie Garde is ATN’s Membership Director and raises two sons (bio & adopted) in MA. An attorney, Stephanie is now a full-time therapeutic parent and advocate for helping traumatized children.

Jane Samuel is raising 3 girls in KY, the youngest adopted internationally. Jane’s a blogger for two sites and an outspoken proponent of healing early childhood trauma.

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Years ago my husband had a colleague by the name of Les Moore. He was a hardworking, quality guy, but he was not a “big man” in physical stature – a geeky engineer for sure. My husband, also a geeky engineer at the time, would always joke about Les and his work ethic and his trim stature by saying this little ditty whenever Les’s name came up in conversation, “Ah, Les Moore - when Les is Moore!”

This year as America’s greatest season of material consumption once again draws near I find myself thinking of this little phrase for a different reason. As a parent I am saddened by the ever increasing level of consumerism present in our children’s lives. We, and thus they, are bombarded daily with messages that life is not worth it if you do not have stuff, lots of stuff. And amidst these messages it is almost impossible to get our message across to them – that there is more to life than stuff, there is more to fun than shopping, there is more to love than the gifting of expensive objects.

Just today I listened to an ad for a local superstore. The one minute radio spot opens with the sound of people caroling outside a neighbor’s home. However when no one comes to the door to welcome the spirit-filled singers, they deduce that “everyone” must be at X store’s big holiday sale. The lead caroler, not to be deterred by the lack of individuals at home encourages the group to press on to the next house, while the two other singers decide to defect to the sale. In the end, the leader defects as well, leaving the spirit of Christmas I loved as a child melting in the trampled snow at the entrance to their local big box store.

Even more disturbing were the reports of violence by shoppers against other shoppers during 2011’s Black Friday. Stories of a pepper-spray-wielding woman and customers who stepped over an unconscious man in their quest for the best deal of the day marred what just a few years ago was known as a time for family fellowship and left-overs of turkey and pie. What does this say about what our nation’s respect for its founding father’s holiday? More importantly, what message is it sending to our very impressionable children?

Holiday Wisdom: Why Less is More Jane Samuel, JD

The talk following this day of disturbing shopping seemed to pin the blame equally on retailers and their media cohorts. It was noted in a NPR interview that in the last few years the level of sales madness has risen exponentially, with stores now opening on Thanksgiving itself in order to attract the most buyers, and thus the best profit.

But I know as the child of a parent who always felt the need to use her wallet to show her love to her long-distance grandchildren, that we ourselves can be just as guilty as the merchant or marketing mogul, if we are not careful.

Indeed, I remember distinctly my downright disappointment when my mother arrived in our driveway one Christmas with my father’s new station wagon filled to the roof with individually wrapped gifts for our daughters, then aged six and three. As we worked that evening to unload the monstrous mound of what I was sure were the best toys and cutest outfits money could buy, I was stricken by the disturbing thought that despite my previous pleas to “go easy on gifts” there would be more under our Christmas tree from Granny and Pop Pop than from dear Santa.

I mean really, how would our young children receive this ridiculously large number of gifts? Our beloved, still innocent girls, who we had worked hard to educate about the REAL reason for the season? How would the special spirit of ‘ole St. Nickolas, whose job we had told them was to bring a few special toys, shine past the bright lights and glittering baubles of Granny’s pile of presents? And how would my mother, who always wanted her recipients to dutifully admire her shopping work, receive the muffled and ultimately glazed-eye responses of her overwhelmed granddaughters?

I hate to admit it but for all the years after that, when my mother had to ship her mountain of love, rather than drive it down in person, my husband and I would pull out a few select “Granny and Pop Pop” gifts to give to them on Christmas, saving the rest to be opened later in the New Year, or not at all. If we had not we would have


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spent every year with glazed-eyed children melting down by noon with severe cases of “gift overload”.

Thus, in the end, I do not know if the media copies life (i.e. advertisers and merchants are only mimicking what they see in our behavior) or life copies the media (i.e. we must buy, buy, buy if we are to enjoy Christmas) when it comes to our consumerism. Nonetheless, I do know in our house we will once again continue to follow the Less is More tenet of Holiday buying. Because:

Less presents, mean less shopping and more time spent enjoying holiday traditions with our children, including lounging around on the day after Thanksgiving playing with cousins and eating leftovers.

Less presents, mean that the message “I bought this for you because I thought it was perfect for you” shines through more than the message “you need this, and this, and this to be somebody.”

Less presents, mean more money in the bank for the important things in life.

Less presents, mean more likelihood that that our family tenet: “what matters most is the person you are inside and not what you wear or own” will be heard over the constant din of consumerism.


Don’t forget to renew your membership! Individual (parent) memberships are $35 annually;

Professional memberships are $75 annually.

You have four ways to join:

1. Join online at www.attachtrauma.org. Click the Join button and use your credit card to renew your membership.

2. Print the membership form available on the website and mail it to:

ATN

P.O. Box 164

Jefferson, MD 21755

along with your check or credit card information.

3. Fax the completed membership form with credit card information to 1-888-656-9806 .

4. Call Lorraine at 1-888-656-9806 and give her your card information over the phone.

Memberships make great gifts. We have a scholarship program, so memberships can also be donated.

Scholarships are available for individual memberships.

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“How was your massage?”

“Good! I am back in my body.”

“Hmm, I didn’t know you were outside your body.”

“Neither did I.”

So went the exchange between my husband and me last week as I walked into the kitchen after an hour at the healing hands of my massage therapist.

What had been a much overdue massage to work out some back pain turned into a true “aha” moment in my life as wife, mother, and caregiver for my elderly parents.

It all began two months ago with a few too many long drives to visit colleges with our eldest daughter. Fitful nights dreaming about every stress known to a child caring for two aging parents had not helped. Nor had sitting hunched over writing out their ninety Christmas cards. But sleeping on the pleather sofa beside my daughter’s hospital bed, after a pre-Christmas virus had left her kidney’s failing, was probably the straw that broke my proverbial back. Or so I thought.

Katie, my masseuse extraordinaire had a bit different take on things.

As my body softened under her kneading hands, my soul peaked out from where I had tamped it down. A tearful tremble crossed my lips. Upon examination my heart knew what the masseuse had probably deduced as soon as her fingers landed my tense back. There, under the ropey muscles pulled taut across my upper back – my” heart cage” as she called it - was my being, my energy,

Moms Gather Your Energy! It’s a New Year! Jane Samuel, JD

my mother’s milk. And it was in tatters, bits and pieces of it hanging out and flung who knows where like the Scarecrow’s straw in the Wizard of Oz.

Apparently, while I had been busy playing mommy and caregiver daughter – and a weak version of wife as well – I had strewn myself all over kingdom come. Now lying there in the warm cocoon of her flannel-sheeted massage table she gently prodded me to gather my energy back from all the places I had left it over the past two months. My mind’s eye flooded with images of the places I had been. And all the places I had left a bit of myself:

On the door step of my parent’s new apartment where I steeled myself each time I reached for the door knob to let myself in.

In the office of my mother’s oncologist, sitting beside the once strong, and at times obstinate, woman I called Mom.

In the hallway outside my parent’s door where I often talked in private with various nurses, social workers and Hospice staff.

At the dinner table as I watched my father come to grips with what he perceived as his wife’s “sudden” turn for the worse.

In difficult conversations and emails with my distant siblings and family members.

In my mother’s hand, as I uncurled her stiff and longing fingers in order to extricate my own hand each time I had to leave her side.

In resentful thoughts - and guilty feelings - and “why (Continued on page 13)

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me?” inquiries - and “what next?” wonderings - that seemed to plague my mind’s every minute.

In the sad, grumbling, and stoic beings of my children as they worked to accommodate the new role of their grandparents in their lives.

While sitting in stiff chair, after stiff chair, at distant college campuses, my hands clasped in prayerful desire as I waited for my eldest daughter to compete in yet another audition for a slot in a theatre school program.

In my marriage, thrown off-kilter by my parents move to our town and the time consuming and emotional work their care involves. And in my guilt-ridden thoughts that these are my parents, not his, that have caused the seas of life to leave us in this state.

The list goes on and on.


Most likely, we as busy midlife mothers, each have a list. Some of us, perhaps, are better at keeping our being within our own self. Not sharing it out – passing it around like some plate of cookies to be taken from by greedy hands.

But others of us, like me, forget. We get away from ourselves. In our desire to help, to heal, to hold up others we lend ourselves out all over the place. Then we wonder why we can’t sleep. Why our body aches in protest. Why our heart-cage is in knots.

If you are like me, denuded of your soul then take a few moments now, and each day you feel necessary, to sit quietly and gather your energy back to you.

This one small effort to respect your inner self could make all the difference in the New Year.

Upcoming Events in the Attachment/Trauma World

Beyond Consequences Live Events http://www.beyondconsequences.com/bcilive/index.html

Feb. 2, 2013. Denver, CO Mar 1, 2013. Austin, TX

The following Heather Forbes (BCI) seminars are scheduled for Spring, 2013. Dates TBD:

Kansas City, MO Milwaukee, WI Grand Rapids, MI Ann Arbor, MI

Understanding & Navigating Early Trauma March 1 & 2, 2013 Santa Barbara CA Contact: Silvia Wastjutin @ Mariposas Project National CASA Conference April 6-9, 2013 Anaheim, CA www.casaforchildren.org

Parenting in SPACE Conference April 13 & 14, 2013 Illinois Beach State Park, IL http://www.housecallscounseling.com/parenting-in-space/ Nancy Thomas Workshops in early 2013: Jan 24 & 25, 2013– Eureka, CA Contact: Rose Baker, 707-496-6071 March 22 & 23, 2013—Orlando, FL Teresa Guerard, 407-260-0031 May 18, 2013– Wasilla, AK

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ATN Professional Member Directory These professionals believe in ATN’s mission and have joined us as Professional Members

Denise Best, LMHC Adoption & Attachment Treatment Center of Iowa Iowa City, IA [email protected] http://www.aatcofiowa.com/ 319-430-4383 Matthew Bradley, MSW Beatitude House Waynesville, NC http://www.beatitudehouse.org/ 828-926-5591 Karen Buckwalter Chaddock 205 South 24th Street Quincy, IL 62301 [email protected] 217-222-0034 Gayle Clark, Executive Director Miracle Meadows School Rte 1, Box 565 Pennsboro, WV 26415 http://www.miraclemeadows.org/ 304-782-3630 Shirley Crenshaw, MSW, LCSW Crenshaw, Inc. St. Louis, MO [email protected] http://www.attachmenttrauma.com/index.html 314-374-4753 Beverly Cuevas LICSW, ACSW Attachment Center NW 8011 118th Avenue, NE Kirkland, WA 98033 [email protected] www.attachmentcenternw.net 425-889-8524 425-576-8274 fax Lark Eshelman, Ph.D. Chestertown, MD [email protected] http://www.larkeshleman.com/index.php 410-778-4317

Barbara S. Fisher, M.S. Center for Attachment Resources & Enrichment (C.A.R.E.) Decatur, GA www.attachmentatlanta.org 404-371-4045 Sharon Fuller The Attachment Place, LLC Maryland 410-707-5008 [email protected] http://www.theattachmentplace.com

Ken Huey, Ph.D. CALO (Change Academy Lake of the Ozarks) Lake Ozark, MO [email protected] 573-365-2221 Thomas Jahl, Headmaster Cono Christian School Walker, IA [email protected] http://www.cono.org/ 319-327-1085 Nina Jonio NeuroSolutions Gresham, OR [email protected] http://www.neurosolutions.org/ 206-910-6088 Mell La Valley, LMFT, CEGE In-Home Services, Adoption and Attachment SpecialistEquine Therapy Post Office Box 2245 Loomis, CA 95650 [email protected] http://www.melllavalleylmft.com http://www.warriorssoul.org 916-719-2520


Direct any updates/changes to this listing to [email protected].

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ATN Board of Directors

Julie Beem, Executive Director

Denise Best, LMHC

Tanya Bowers-Dean

Stephanie Garde

Ken Huey, Ph.D.

Kelly Killian

Jane Samuel

Lorraine Schneider

Larry Smith, LCSW, LICSW

Nancy Spoolstra, Founder

Janice Turber, M.Ed..

Sheri Verdonk

Denise Lebow, LCSW, LSCSW 229 Ward Parkway LL2 Kansas City, MO 64112 [email protected] 816-531-2144 Carol Linder-Lozier, LCSW Louisville, KY [email protected] http://www.forever-families.com/ Carolee Malen, LCSW, ACSW Malen & Associates 8112 W. Bluemound RdSuite 106 Wautatosa, WI 53213 [email protected] http://malenandassociates.us/ 414-302-1759 Pamela McCloskey McCloskey Counseling Center [email protected] 814-357-2400 Jennie Murdock, LCSW, LMT Lehi, UT [email protected] 435-668-3560


Michelle Nigliazzo, JD Nigliazzo Advocacy Center LLC West Plains, Missouri http://www.nigliazzoadvocacycenter.com/ [email protected] Christine Owen Respite Provider Blairesville, GA [email protected] Lawrence Smith, LCSW Silver Spring, MD 301-558-1933 [email protected] Janice Turber, M.Ed. Center for Attachment Resources & Enrichment (C.A.R.E.) Decatur, GA 404-371-4045 www.attachmentatlanta.org

Documents

The Networker- November/December 2012