The New Paul and Virginia or Positivism on an Island (W. H. Mallock, n.d.-4th Edition)Cu31924013521079

7/29/2019 The New Paul and Virginia or Positivism on an Island (W. H. Mallock, n.d.-4th Edition)Cu31924013521079

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CORNELLUNIVERSITYLIBRARY


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By the same Author.Grown 8vo. cloth extra.THE NEW REPUBLIC:

OR, CULTURE, FAITH, AND PHILOSOPHY IN ANENGLISH COUNTRY HOUSE.OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.

' An attractive philosophical fragment, set in an idyllic frame.. . . Considerable tact and art have been shown in the compositionof the story. . . . Not often does it fall to any one's lot to meet inreal life such brilliant talkers, and it is therefore a treat to comeupon them in a book, especially as their conversation is so simpleand naturally given as to cheat one into a belief that they arereally enjoying that almost lost fine art. . . . Nothing, as one reads,

.

can seem more natural than the style and method of the book. Itnever becomes tedious, and deep as are many of the subjects treatedof, they are yet topics we are all accustomed to hear debated. . . .Without making too long and large quotations, it is difficult to givean idea of the spirit and grace with which The Netv RejmbMe iswritten.'Times.

' The one fault of this very cleverjeud'esprit is, that the satireis too closely dependent on mere parody, which imparts sometimestoo direct a personal reference. This once said, there is nothingbut to enjoy the refined fun, and sometimes earnest pleasantry,with which the book abounds. . . . The writer is not only familiarwith society and its ways, he not only possesses large knowledge,but he has the faculty of a sparkling epigrammatic style, and thecareful reader will find in the midst of his fun and satire some verybeautiful thoughts, gathered into felicitous and striking language.'British Quarterly Review.

There is a good deal of shrewd observation in The New Re-public ; the style is polished, and its general air of cultivation andrefinement will help to atone for its almost complete lack ofincident and passion.' Daily News.

< The great charm of the book lies in the clever and artistic waythe dialogue is managed, and the diverse and various expedients bywhich, whilst the tone of thought on every page is kept at a highpitch, it never loses its realistic aspect. . . . It is giving high praiseto a work of this sort to say that it absolutely needs to be taken asa whole, and that disjointed extracts here and there would entirelyfail to convey any idea of the artistic unity, the careful and con-scientious sequence of what is evidently the brilliant outcome ofmuch patient thought and study. . . . Enough has now been said torecommend these volumes to any reader who desires somethingabove the usual novel, something which will open up lanes of thought


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THE NEW REPUBLIC.in his own mind, and insensibly introduce a higher standard intohis daily life. . . . Here is novelty indeed, as well as originality,and to anyone who can appreciate or understand The New Republicit cannot fail to be a rare treat.' Observer.

* A book to read, to rejoice in, and to remember. ... It is onlyvery dull or very bigoted persons who will misunderstand itsmeaning, or who will fail to see that, if it furnishes few weapons tothe faithful, it blunts and breaks a goodly array of the swords andspears of the unbelievers.'Standard.

' This is a very ambitious book. It is a bold thing for a youngman to challenge comparison with Plato. . . . The book will be read,we should think, with great zest at the Universities, where alone,perhaps, some of the more secret touches of its satire will be fullyappreciated. . . . The interlocutors in the book not only talk, butare admirably adapted to be the cause of talk in others.' Examiner.

' A very original and suggestive work. If we could imagine Mr.Anthony Trollope and Sir Arthur Helps combined, with a slightgowpqon of Mr. Matthew Arnold, we might get pretty near to theleading characteristics of the book. It is clearly written by a manwho knows society and can discriminate and deal readily with itstypical personages, and who has the unique faculty of presentingactual living men under thin disguises, with the slightest touch ofsatire extravaganza, which does not in the least detract from thegeneral truth of the picture, and yet carries with it almost the in-terest of fiction. ... It is from first to last ingenious, humorous,and suggestive.' Nonconformist.

' So clever a book, despite its faults, that it deserves criticism ofthe admonitory rather than the objurgatory kind. . . . Here is aman who can write epigrams, and we hope that he will writemore. ' Athen^um.

'A decidedly clever book. There is plenty of epigram in itsliterary style. . . . There is a very clever imitation of Mr. MatthewArnold's (Mr. Luke) poetry; but the best parody in the book is thatof a sermon of Mr. Jowett, and this is really so good that it mightwell be a reminiscence of a discourse actually delivered in BalliolChapel.' The World.

' The introduction of living personages under transparent dis-guises, to point the moral and adorn the tale of The New Republic,cannot be justified, and should not be encouraged. This is, never-theless, a naughty world, and it is more than probable that theobnoxious story will be the first item to which readers in generalwill refer. The parodies of some of our most conspicuous theological,scientific, and philosophical guides are unquestionably happy.'Illustrated London News.

SCE1BNEE & WELFORD, New York.


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIAOR

#oittiu0m on an 3(lanb

BYW. H. MALLOCKAUTHOR OF 'THE NEW REPUBLIC' ETC.

' Pessitttism as to the essential dignity of -man is one of the surestmarks of the enervating influence of this dream of a celestial glory

Mr Frederic Harrison

FOURTH EDITION

NEW YORKscribner and

1 Telford


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' Those who can read the signs of the times read in themthat the kingdom of man is at hand ' Professor CliffordThou art smitten, O God, thou art smitten ; thy curse is

upon thee, O Lord

!

And the love song of earth as thou diest, resounds throughthe wind of its wings,

Glory to man in the highest, for man is the master ofthings

Songs before Sunrise


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CONTENTS.Chapter I. .


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vi CONTENTS.

PAGE

Chapter XIV. 93XV. iooXVI. ... 108

XVII. . "6XVIII. 123

Notes .. J 35


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U Uj-JIj- Jl_ Jl_JTTIT ITTII. J| II -.11 - J|-

THENEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.CHAPTER I.

HE magnificent ocean-steamerthe Australasian was bound-for England, on her homeward

voyage from Melbourne, carrying HerMajesty's mails and ninety-eight first-class passengers. Never did vessel startunder happier auspices. The skies werecloudless ; the sea was smooth as glass.There was not a sound of sickness to


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2 THE MEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;be heard anywhere ; and when dinner-time came there was not a single ab-sentee nor an appetite wanting.

But the passengers soon discoveredthey were lucky in more than weather.Dinner was hardly half over before twoof the company had begun to attractgeneral attention ; and every one allround the table was wondering, in whis-pers, who they could possibly be.

One of the objects of this delightfulcuriqsity was a large-boned, middle-agedman, with gleaming spectacles, and lank,untidy hair ; whose coat fitted him so ill,and who held his head so high, thatone saw at a glance he was some greatcelebrity. The other was a beautiful lady


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 3of about thirty years of age, the like ofwhom nobody present had ever seen be-fore. She had the fairest hair and thedarkest eyebrows, the largest eyes andthe smallest waist conceivable ; art andnature had been plainly struggling as towhich should do the most for her ; whilsther bearing was so haughty and distin-guished, her glance so tender, and herdress so expensive and so fascinating,that she seemed at the same time todefy and to court attention.

Evening fell on the ship with a softwarm witchery. The air grew purple,and the waves began to glitter in themoonlight. The passengers gathered inknots upon the deck, and the distin-

B 2


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4 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.guished strangers were still the subject ofconjecture. At last the secret was dis-covered by the wife of an old colonialjudge ; and the news spread like wildfire.In a few minutes all knew that therewere on board the Australasian no lesspersonages than Professor Paul Darnleyand the superb Virginia St. John.


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~^p


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6 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;

of her beauty ; her friends could but con-firm her enemies' description of her cha-racter. Though of birth that might almostbe called humble, she had been connectedwith the heads of many distinguishedfamilies ; and so general was the affectionshe inspired, and so winning the waysin which she contrived to retain it, thatshe found herself, at the age of thirty,mistress of nothing except a large for-tune. She was now converted with sur-prising rapidity by a Ritualistic priest, andshe became in a few months a modelof piety and devotion. She made lacetrimmings for the curate's vestmentsshe bowed at church as often and pro-foundly as possible; she enjoyed nothing


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. -j

so much as going to confession ; shelearnt to despise the world. Indeed, suchutter dross did her riches now seem toher, that, despite all the arguments ofher ghostly counsellor, she remained con-vinced that they were far too worthless tooffer to the Church, and she saw nothingfor it but to still keep them for herself.

The mingled humility and discretion ofthis resolve so won the heart of a giftedcolonial bishop, then on a visit to Eng-land, that, having first assured himselfthat Miss St. John was sincere in makingit, he besought her to share with himhis humble mitre, and make him thehappiest prelate in the whole CatholicChurch. Miss St. John consented. The


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8 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;nuptials were celebrated with the mostelaborate ritual, and after a short honey-moon the bishop departed for his SouthPacific diocese of the Chasuble Islands,to prepare a home for his bride, whowas to follow him by the next steamer.

Professor Paul Darnley, in his ownwalk of life, was even more famousthan Virginia had been in hers. He hadwritten three volumes on the origin oflife, which he had spent seven years inlooking for in infusions of hay and cheesehe had written five volumes on the en-tozoa of the pig, and two volumes oflectures, as * a corollary to these, on thesublimity of human heroism and thewhole duty of man. He was renowned


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 9

all oyer Europe and America as a com-plete embodiment of enlightened modernthought. He criticised everything ; hetook nothing on trust, except the unspeak-able sublimity of the human race and itsaugust terrestrial destinies. And, in hisdouble capacity of a seer and a savant, hehad destroyed all that the world had be-lieved in the past, and revealed to it allthat it is going to feel in the future. Hismind indeed was like a sea, into which theother great minds of the age dischargedthemselves, and in which all the slightdiscrepancies of the philosophy of the pre-sent century mingled together and formedone harmonious whole. Nor was he lesssuccessful in his own private life. He


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io THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA ;

married, at the age of forty, an excellentevangelical lady, ten years his senior, whowore a green gown, grey corkscrew curls,and who had a fortune of two hundredthousand pounds. Deeply pledged thoughshe was to the most vapid figments ofChristianity, Mrs. Darnley was yet proudbeyond measure of her husband's world-wide fame, for she did but imperfectlyunderstand the grounds of it. Indeed, theonly thing that marred her happiness wasthe single tenet of his that she had reallymastered. This, unluckily, was that he dis-believed in hell. And so, as Mrs. Darn-ley conceived that that place was designedmainly to hold those who doubted itsexistence, she daily talked her utmost,


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. u

and left no text unturned to convinceher darling of his very dangerous error.These assiduous arguments soon beganto tell. The Professor grew moody andbrooding, and he at last suggested to hismedical man that a . voyage round theworld, unaccompanied by his wife, wasthe prescription most needed by his fail-ing patience. Mrs. Darnley at lengthconsented with a fairly good grace. Shemade her husband pledge himself thathe would not be absent for above atwelvemonth, or else, she said, she shouldimmediately come after him. She badehim the tenderest of adieus, and pro-mised to pray till his return for his re-covery of a faith in hell.


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12 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA,

The Professor, who had but exceededhis time by six months, was now onboard the Australasian, homeward boundto his wife. Virginia was outward boundto her husband.


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CHAPTER III.jHE sensation created by the

presence of these two celebri-ties was profound beyond de-

scription; and the passengers were neverweary of watching the gleaming spec-tacles and the square-toed boots of theone, and the liquid eyes and the ravishingtoilettes of the other. Virginia's acquaint-ance was made almost instantly by threepale-faced curates, and so well did theirfriendship prosper, that they soon sang


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at nightfall with her a beautiful vesperhymn. Nor did the matter end here, forthe strains sounded so lovely, and Virginialooked so devotional, that most of thepassengers the night after joined in arepetition of this touching evening office.

The Professor, as was natural, heldquite aloof, and pondered over a newspecies of bug, which he had foundvery plentiful in his berth. But it soonoccurred to him that he often heardthe name of God being uttered other-wise than in swearing. He listenedmore attentively to the sounds whichhe had at first set down as negro-melodies, and he soon became convincedthat they were something whose very


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existence he despised himself for re-membering namely, Christian hymns.He then thought of the three curates,whose existence he despised himselffor remembering also. And the con-viction rapidly dawned on him that,though the passengers seemed fullyalive to his fame as a man of science,they could yet know very little of allthat science had done for them ; and ofthe death-blow it had given to the foulsuperstitions of the past. He thereforeresolved that next day he would preachthem a lay-sermon.

At the appointed time the passengersgathered eagerly round himall butVirginia, who retired to her cabin


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i6 7HE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;

when she saw that the preacher woreno surplice, as she thought it wouldbe a mortal sin to listen to a sermonwithout one.

The Professor began amidst a pro-found silence. He first proclaimed to hishearers the great primary axiom on whichall modern thought bases itself. He toldthem that there was but one order ofthingsit was so much neater thantwo ; and if we would be certain of any-thing, we must never doubt this. Thus,since countless things exist that the sensescan take account of, it is evident thatnothing exists that the senses can nottake account of. The senses can takeno account of God ; therefore God does


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not exist. Men of science can only seetheology in a ridiculous light, thereforetheology has no side that is not ridiculous.He then told them a few of the namesthat enlightened thinkers had applied tothe Christian deityhow Professor Tyn-dall had called him an 'atom-manufac-turer,' and Professor Huxley a ' pedanticdrill-sergeant.' The passengers at oncesaw how demonstrably at variance withfact was all religion, and they laughedwith a sense of humour that was quitenew to them. The Professor's tones thenbecame more solemn, and, having extin-guished error, he at once went on tounveil the brilliant light of truth. Heshowed them how, viewed by modern

c


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18 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;science, all existence is a chain, with agas at one end and no one knows whatat the other ; and how Humanity is alink somewhere ; butholy and awfulthought !we can none of us tell where.' However,' he proceeded, ' of one thingwe can be quite certain : all that is, ismatter ; the laws of matter are eter-nal, and we cannot act or think with-out conforming to them ; and if/ he said,' we would be solemn and high, andhappy, and heroic, and saintly, we havebut to strive and struggle to do whatwe cannot for an instant avoid doing.Yes,' he exclaimed, ' as the sublimeTyndall tells us, let us struggle to at-tain to a deeper knowledge of matter,


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 19and a more faithful conformity to itslaws !The Professor would have proceeded,

but the weather had been rapidly grow-ing rough, and he here became violentlysea-sick.

'Let us,' he exclaimed hurriedly,'conform to the laws of matter and gobelow.'

Nor was the advice premature. Astorm arose, exceptional in its sudden-ness and its fury. It raged for twodays without ceasing. The Australasiansprang a leak ; her steering gear was dis-abled ; and it was feared she would goashore on an island that was seen dimlythrough the fog to the leeward. The

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20 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.boats were got, in readiness. A quantityof provisions and of the passengers'baggage was already stowed in the cut-ter ; when the clouds parted, the suncame out again, and the storm subsidedalmost as quickly as it rose.


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CHAPTER IV.*>0 sooner were the ship's damages

in a fair way to be repairedthan the Professor resumed

his sermon. He climbed into the cutter,which was still full of the passengers'baggage, and sat down on the largestof Virginia's boxes. This so alarmedVirginia that she incontinently followedthe Professor into the cutter, to keep aneye on her property; but she did notforget to stop her ears with her fingers,


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22 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA; ,that she might not be guilty of listeningto an unsurpliced minister.

The Professor took up the threadof his discourse just where he hadbroken it off. Every circumstance fa-voured him. The calm sea was spark-ling under the gentlest breeze ; allNature seemed suffused with gladnessand at two miles' distance was an en-chanting island, green with every kindof foliage, and glowing with the huesof a thousand flowers. The Professor,having reminded his hearers of whatnonsense they now thought all theChristian teachings, went on to showthem the blessed results of this. Sincethe God that we once called all-holy


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is a fable, that Humanity is all-holymust be a fact. Since we shall neverbe sublime, and solemn, and unspeak-ably happy hereafter, it is evident thatwe can be sublime, and solemn, andunspeakably happy here. 'This,' saidthe Professor, 'is the new Gospel. Itis founded on exact thought. It isthe Gospel of the kingdom of manand had I only here a microscope anda few chemicals, I could demonstrateits eternal truth to you. There is noheaven to seek for; there is no hellto shun. We have nothing to strive andlive for except to be unspeakably happy.'

This eloquence was received withenthusiasm. The captain in particular,


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who had a wife in every port hetouched at, was overjoyed at hearingthat there was no hell ; and he sentfor all the crew, that they might learnthe good news likewise. But soon thegeneral gladness was marred by a soundof weeping. Three-fourths of the passen-gers, having had time to reflect a little,began exclaiming that as a matter of factthey were really completely miserable,and that for various reasons they couldnever be anything else. ' My friends,'said the Professor, quite undaunted,'that is doubtless completely true. Youare not happy now ; you probably neverwill be. But that, I can assure you, is ofvery little moment. Only conform faith


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OK, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 25

fully to the laws of matter, and yourchildren's children will be happy in thecourse of a few centuries ; and youwill like that far, far better than beinghappy yourselves. Only consider thematter in this light, and you yourselveswill in an instant become happy alsoand whatever you say, and whatever youdo, think only of the effect it will havefive hundred years afterwards.'

At these solemn words, the anxiousfaces grew calm. An awful sense ofthe responsibility of each one of us,and the infinite consequences of everyhuman act, was filling the hearts of all ;when by a faithful conformity to thelaws of matter, the boiler blew up,


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and the Australasian went down. Inan instant, the air was rent with yellsand "cries; and all the Humanity thatwas on board the vessel was busy, asthe Professor expressed it, uniting itselfwith the infinite azure of the past.Paul and Virginia, however, floatedquietly away, in the cutter, togetherwith the baggage and provisions.

Virginia was made almost senselessby the suddenness of the catastrophe ; andon seeing five sailors sink within threeyards of her, she fainted dead away.The Professor begged her not to takeit so much to heart, as these were thevery men who had got the cutter inreadiness; 'and they are, therefore,' he


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said, ' still really alive in the fact ofour happy escape.' Virginia, however,being quite insensible, the Professorturned to the last human being stillto be seen above the waters, andshouted to him not to be afraid ofdeath, as there was certainly no hell,and that his life, no matter how de-graded and miserable, had been a glori-ous mystery, full of infinite significance.The next moment the struggler wassnapped up by a shark. Our friends,meanwhile, borne by a current, had beendrifting rapidly towards the island. Andthe Professor, spreading to the breezeVirginia's beautiful lace parasol, soonbrought the cutter to- the shore on abeach of the softest sand.


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CHAPTER V.HE scene that met Paul's eyeswas one of extreme loveli-ness. He found himself in

a little fairy bay, full of translucentwaters, and fringed with silvery sands.On either side it was protected byfantastic rocks, and in the middle itopened inland to an enchanting valley,where tall tropical trees made a grate-ful shade, and where the ground was


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. 29

carpeted with the softest moss andturf.

Paul's first care was for his fair com-panion. He spread a costly cashmereshawl on the beach, and placed her, stillfainting, on this. In a few momentsshe opened her eyes ; but was on thepoint of fainting again as the horrorsof the last half-hour came back to her,when she caught sight in the cutter ofthe largest of her own boxes, and shebegan to recover herself. Paul beggedher to remain quiet whilst he went toreconnoitre.

He had hardly proceeded twenty,yards into the valley, when to his in-finite astonishment he came on a charm-


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30 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;ing cottage, built under the shadow ofa bread-tree, with a broad verandah,plate-glass windows, and red window-blinds. His first thought was that thiscould be no desert island at all, but somehappy European settlement. But, onapproaching the cottage, it proved to bequite untenanted, and from the cob-webs woven across the doorway it seemedto have been long abandoned. Insidethere was abundance of luxurious fur-niture ; the floors were covered withgorgeous Indian carpets ; and there wasa pantry well stocked with plate andglass and table-linen. The Professorcould not tell what to make of it, till,examining the structure more closely, he


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found it composed mainly of a ship'stimbers. This seemed to tell its owntale, and he at once concluded that heand Virginia were not the first castawayswho had been forced to make the islandfor some time their dwelling-place.

Overjoyed at this discovery, he has-tened back to Virginia. She was by

1

this time apparently quite recovered,and was kneeling on the cashmereshawl, with a rosary in her hands de-signed especially for the use of Anglo-Catholics, alternately lifting up her eyesin gratitude to heaven, and casting themdown in anguish at her torn andcrumpled dress. The poor Professor washorrified at the sight of a human being


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32 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;in this degrading attitude of superstition.But as Virginia quitted it with alacrityas soon as ever he told his news to her,he hoped he might soon convert her intoa sublime and holy Utilitarian.

The first thing she besought him todo was to carry her biggest box tothis charming cottage, that she mightchange her clothes, and appear insomething fit to^ be seen in. TheProfessor most obligingly at once didas she asked him ; and whilst she wasbusy at her toilette, he got from thecutter what provisions he could, andproceeded to lay. the table. When allwas ready, he rang a gong which hefound suspended in the lobby; Virginia


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appeared shortly in a beautiful pinkdressing-gown, embroidered with silverflowers ; and just before sunset the twosat down to a really excellent meal.The bread-tree at the door of the cot-tage contributed some beautiful Frenchrolls; close at hand also they discovereda butter-tree; and the Professor hadproduced from the cutter a variety ofsalt and potted meats, p&ti de foie gras,cakes, preserved fruits, and some bottlesof fine champagne. This last helpedmuch to raise their spirits. Virginiafound it very dry, and exactly suited toher palate. She had but drunk fiveglasses of it, when her natural smilereturned to her, though she was much

D


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disappointed because Paul took no no-tice of her dressing-gown, and when shehad drunk three glasses more she quietlywent to sleep on the sofa.

The moon had by this time risen indazzling splendour, and the Professorwent out and lighted a cigar. Allduring dinner there had been a feelingof dull despair in his heart, which eventhe champagne did not dissipate. Butnow, as he surveyed in the moonlightthe wondrous Paradise in which hisstrange fate had cast him, his moodchanged. The air was full of the scentsof a thousand night-smelling flowersthe sea murmured on the beach' in soft,voluptuous cadences. The Professor's


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OR, POSITIVISM ON Ah ISLAND. 35cigar was excellent. He now saw hissituation in a truer light. Here was abountiful island, where earth unbiddenbrought forth all her choicest fruits, andmost of the luxuries of civilisation hadalready been wafted thither. Existencehere seemed to be purified from all itsevils. Was not this the very conditionof things which all the sublimest and vexactest thinkers of modern times hadbeen dreaming and lecturing and writingbooks about for a good half-century?Here was a place where Humanity coulddo justice to itself, and realise thoseglorious destinies which all exact thinkerstake for granted must be in store for it.True, from the mass of Humanity he was

D 2


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36 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;completely cut away ; but Virginia washis companion. Holiness, and solemnity,and unspeakably significant happiness didnot, he argued, depend on the multiplica-tion table. He and Virginia representedHumanity as well as a million couples.They were a complete humanity in them-selves, and humanity in a perfectibleshape ; and the very next day they wouldmake preparations for fulfilling their holydestiny, and being as solemnly and un-speakably happy as it was their sternduty to be.

The Professor turned his eyes up-wards to the starry heavens, and asense came over him of the eternity andthe immensity of Nature, and the de-


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 37monstrable absence of any intelligencethat guided it. These reflections natu-rally brought home to him with morevividness the stupendous and boundlessimportance of Man. His bosom swelledviolently, and he cried aloud, his eyesstill fixed on the firmament, 'Oh, impor-tant All ! oh, important Me !

When he came back to the cottagehe found Virginia just getting off thesofa, and preparing to go to bed.She was too sleepy even to say good-night to him, and with evident want oftemper was tugging at the buttons of herdressing-gown. ' Ah ! ' she murmured asshe left the room, 'if God, in His infinitemercy, had only spared my maid!'


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38 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.Virginia's evident discontent gave

profound pain to Paul. ' How solemn,'he exclaimed, ' for half Humanity to bediscontented!' But he was still moredisturbed at the appeal to a chimericalmanufacturer of atoms ; and he groanedin tones of yet more sonorous sorrow,' How solemn for half Humanity to besunk lower than the beasts by super-stition !

However, he hoped that these stu-pendous evils might, under the presentfavourable conditions, vanish in the courseof a few days' progress; and he went tobed, full of august auguries.


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CHAPTER VI.)EXT morning he was up be-

times ; and the prospects ofHumanity looked more glo-

rious than ever. He gathered some ofthe finest pats from the butter-tree, andsome fresh French rolls from the bread-tree. He discovered a cow close at hand,that allowed him at once to milk itand a little roast pig ran up to him outof the underwood, and fawning on himwith its trotters, said, 'Come, eat me.'


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The Professor vivisected it before Vir-ginia's door, that its automatic noise,which the vulgar call cries of pain, mightawaken her ; and he then set it in a hotdish on the table.

' It has come ! it has come ! ' heshouted, rapturously, as Virginia enteredthe room, this time in a blue silk dressing-gown, embroidered with flowers of gold.

' What has come ? ' said Virginia, pet-tishly, for she was suffering from a terribleheadache, and the Professor's loud voiceannoyed her. ' You don't mean to saythat we are rescued, are we'?'

' Yes,' answered Paul, solemnly ; ' weare rescued. We are rescued from allthe pains and imperfections of a world


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that has not learnt how to conformto the laws of matter, and is but im-perfectly acquainted with the science ofsociology. It " is therefore inevitablethat, the evils of existence being thusremoved, we shall both be solemnly,stupendously, and unspeakably happy.'

' Nonsense ! ' said ' Virginia, snappishly,who thought the Professor was joking.

' It is not nonsense,' said the Professor.'It is deducible from the teachings ofJohn Stuart Mill, of Auguste Comte, ofMr. Frederic Harrison, and of all theexact thinkers who have cast off super-stition, and who adore Humanity.'

Virginia meanwhile ate fidtd de foiegras, of which she was passionately fond;


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and, growing a little less sullen, she atlast admitted that they were lucky inhaving at least the necessaries of life leftto them. ' But as for happinessthereis nothing to do here, there is no churchto go to, and you don't seem to care abit for my dressing-gown. What havewe got to make us happy ? ' :

' Humanity,' replied the Professoreagerly, ' Humanity, that divine entity,which is necessarily capable of everythingthat is. fine and invaluable, and is theobject of indescribable emotion to allexact thinkers, And what is Humanity?'he went on more earnestly ; ' you and Iare Humanityyou and I are that augustexistence. You already are all the world


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 43to me ; and I very soon shall be all theworld to you. Adored being, it will bemy mission and my glory to compel youto live for me. And then, as modernphilosophy can demonstrate, we shallboth of us be significantly and unspeak-ably happy.'

For a few moments Virginia merelystared at Paul. Suddenly she turnedquite pale, her lips quivered, and ex-claiming, ' How dare you !and I, too,the wife of a bishop ! ' she left the roomin hysterics.

The Professor could make nothingof this. Though he had dissected manydead women, he knew very little of the'hearts of live ones. A sense of shyness


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overpowered him, and he felt embar-rassed, he could not tell why, at beingthus left alone with Virginia. He lit acigar and went out. Here was a to-do in-deed, he thought. How would progressbe possible if one half of Humanitymisunderstood the other ?

He was thus musing, when suddenlya voice startled him ; and in anothermoment a man came rushing up to him,with every demonstration of joy.

' Oh, my dear master ! oh, emancipatorof the human intellect! and is it indeedyou ? Thank God ! 1 beg pardon formy unspeakable blasphemy I mean,thank circumstances over which I haveno control.'


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It was one of the three curates, whomPaul had supposed drowned, but whonow related how he had managed toswim ashore, despite the extreme lengthof his black clerical coat. 'These ragsof superstition,' ' he said, ' did their bestto drown me. But I survive in spite ofthem, to covet truth and to reject error.Thanks to your glorious teaching,' hewent on, looking reverentially into theProfessor's face, ' the very notion of anAlmighty Father makes me laugh con-sumedly, it is so absurd and so immoral.Science, through your instrumentality, hasopened my eyes. I am now an exactthinker.'

' Do you believe,' said Paul ' in solemn,


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46 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA:

significant, and unspeakably happy Hu-manity ?

' I do,' said the curate, fervently.' Whenever I think of Humanity, Igroan and moan to myself out of sheersolemnity.'

' Then two thirds of Humanity,' saidthe Professor, ' are thoroughly enlightened.Progress will now go on smoothly.'

At this moment Virginia came out,having rapidly recovered composure atthe sound of a new man's voice.

' You hereyou, too ! ' exclaimed thecurate. ' How solemn, how significant

!

This is truly Providential 1 mean thishas truly happened through conformity tothe laws of matter.'


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Off, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 47' Well,' said Virginia, ' since we have

a clergyman amongst us, we shall perhapsbe able to get on.'


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" ' " n " " " " * " " ** ^ -J 1L

-nfio ~shov u uT a i o air

CHAPTER VII.HINGS now took a better turn.The Professor ceased to feelshy ; and proposed, when the

curate had finished an enormous break-fast, that they should go down to thecutter, and bring up the things in it tothe cottage. 'A few hours' steady pro-gress/ he said, ' and the human race willcommand all the luxuries of civilisationthe glorious fruits of centuries of onwardlabour.


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. 49The three spent a very busy morning

in examining and unpacking the luggage.The Professor found his favourite collec-tion of modern philosophers ; Virginiafound a large box of knick-knacks, withwhich to adorn the cottage; and therewas, too, an immense store of wine andof choice provisions.

' It is rather sad,' sighed Virginia, asshe dived into a box of French choco-late-creams, 'to think that all the poorpeople are drowned that these thingsbelonged to.'

'They are not dead,' said the Pro-fessor: 'they still live on this holy andstupendous earth. They live in the usewe are making of all they had got

E


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SO THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;together. The owner of those choco-late-creams is immortal because youare eating them.'

Virginia licked her lips and said,' Nonsense !

'It is not nonsense,' said the Pro-fessor. ' It is the religion of Humanity.'

All day they were busy, and thetime passed pleasantly enough. Wines,provisions, books, and china ornamentswere carried up to the cottage andbestowed in proper places. Virginiafilled the glasses in the drawing-roomwith gorgeous leaves and flowers; anddeclared by the evening, as she lookedround her, that she could almost fancyherself in St. John's Wood.


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 51' See,' said the Professor, ' how rapid

is the progress of material civilisationHumanity is now entering on the fruitsof ages. Before long it will be in aposition to Be unspeakably happy.'

Virginia retired to bed early. TheProfessor took the curate out with himto look at the stars ; and promised tolend him some writings of the modernphilosophers, which would make himmore perfect in the new view of things.They said good-night, murmuring to-gether that there was certainly no God,that Humanity was very important, andthat everything was very solemn.

E 2


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V -"J* &" ~*C ^P C XT

CHAPTER VIII.iEXT morning the curate began

studying a number of essaysthat the Professor lent him,

all written by exact thinkers, who dis-believed in God, and thought Humanityadorable, and most important. Virginialay on the sofa, and sighed over oneof Miss Broughton's novels ; and it oc-curred to the Professor that the islandwas just the place where, if anywhere,the missing link might be found.


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRG1MA. 53' Ah ! ' he exclaimed ; ' all is still pro-

gress. Material progress came to anend yesterday. Mental progress hasbegun to-day. One third of Humanityis cultivating sentiment ; another thirdis learning to covet truth. I, the re-maining and most enlightened third, willgo and seek it. Glorious, solemn Hu-manity! I will go and look about forits arboreal ancestor.'

Every step the Professor took hefound the island more beautiful. Buthe came back to luncheon, having beenunsuccessful in, his search. Events hadmarched quickly in his absence. Vir-ginia was at the beginning of her thirdvolume; and the curate had skimmed


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over so many essays, ' that he professedhimself able to give a thorough ac-count of the want of faith that was inhim.

After luncheon the three sat togetherin easy chairs, in the verandah, some-times talking, sometimes falling into ahalf-doze. They all agreed that theywere wonderfully comfortable, and theProfessor said

'All Humanity is now at rest, andin utter peace. It is just taking breath,before it becomes unspeakably and sig-nificantly happy.'

He would have said more, but hewas here startled by a piteous noise ofcrying, and the three found themselves


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND, 55confronted by an old woman drippingwith sea-water, and with an expressionon her face of the utmost misery.They soon recognised her as one ofthe passengers on the ship. She toldthem how she had been floated ashoreon a spar, and how she had been sus-tained by a little roast pig, that kindlybegged her to eat it, having first lainin her bosom to restore her to warmth.She was now looking for her son.

' And if I cannot find him,' said theold woman, ' I shall never smile again.He has half broken my heart,' she wenton, ' by his wicked ways. But if Ithought he was deaddead in the midstof his sinsit would be broken alto-


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56 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;gether; for in that case he must cer-tainly be in hell.'

' Old woman,' said the Professor,very slowly, and solemnly, ' be comforted.I announce to you that your son isalive.'

'Oh, bless you, sir, for that word!'cried the old woman. ' But. where ishe ? Have you seen him ? Are yousure that he is living ?

' I am sure of it,' said the Professor,'because enlightened thought shows methat he cannot be anything else. It istrue that I saw him sink for a thirdtime in the sea, and that he was thensnapped up by a shark. But he is asmuch alive as ever in his posthumous,


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 57activities. He has made you wretchedafter him ; and that is his future life.Become an exact thinker, and you willsee that this is so. Old woman,' addedthe Professor solemnly, ' old woman,listen to me You are your son in hell!

At this the old woman flew into aterrible rage.

'In hell, sir!' she exclaimed; 'mein hell !a poor lone woman like meHow dare you ! ' And she sank backin a chair and fainted.

'Alas!' said the Professor, 'thus ismisery again introduced into the world.A fourth part of Humanity is now'miserable.'

The curate answered promptly that


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if no restoratives were given her, shewould probably die in a few minutes.'And to let her die,' he said, 'is clearlyour solemn duty. It will be for thegreatest happiness of the greatest number.'

' No,' said the Professor ; ' for oursense of pity would then be wounded,and the happiness 'of all of us wouldbe marred by that.'

'Excuse me,' said the curate; 'butexact thought shows me that pity forothers is but the imagining of theirmisfortune falling on ourselves. Now,we can none of us imagine ourselvesexactly in the old woman's case; there-fore it is quite impossible that we canpity her.'


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UK, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 59' But,' said the Professor, ' such an

act would violate our ideas of justice.'' You are wrong again,' said the curate,

'for exact thought shows me that thelove of justice is nothing but the fear ofsuffering injustice. If we were to killstrong men, we might naturally fear thatstrong men would kill us. But 'whateverwe do to fainting old women, we cannotexpect that fainting old women will, doanything to us in return.'

' Your reasoning cannot be sound,'said the Professor, 'for it would lead tothe most horrible conclusions. I will

(solve the difficulty better. I will makethe old woman happy, and therefore fitto live. Old woman,' he exclaimed, 'let


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me beg you to consider this. You areyourself by your own unhappiness ex-piating your son's sins. Do but think ofthat, and you will become unspeakablyhappy.'

Meanwhile, however, the old womanhad died. When the Professor discoveredthis he was somewhat shocked ; but atlength with a sudden change of counte-nance, ' We neither of us did it,' he ex-claimed ; ' her death is no act of ours.It is part of the eternal not-ourselvesthat makes for righteousnessrighteous-ness, which is, as we all know, butanother name for happiness. Let usadore the event with reverence.'

' Yes,' said the curate, ' we are well rid


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND, 61

of her. She was an immoral old woman,for happiness is the test of morality, andshe was very unhappy.'

' On the contrary,' said the Professor,' she was a moral old woman ; for she hasmade us happy by dying so very oppor-tunely. Let us speak well of the dead.Her death has been a holy and a blessedone. She has conformed to the laws ofmatter. Thus is unhappiness destined tofade out of the world. Quick ! let us tiea bag of shot to all the sorrow and evilof Humanity, which, after all, is only afourth part of it, and let us sink her inthe bay close at hand, that she maycatch lobsters for us.'


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CHAPTER IX.JT last,' said the Professor, as

they began dinner that even-ing, 'the fulness of time

has come. All the evils of Humanity-are removed, and progress has cometo an end because it can go no fur-ther. We have nothing now to do butto be unspeakably and significantlyhappy.'

The champagne flowed freely. Ourfriends ate and drank of the best, theirspirits rose, and Virginia admitted that


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THE NEW JTAt/L AND VIRGINIA. 63this was really 'jolly.' The sense ofthe word pleased the Professor, but itssound seemed below the gravity of theoccasion ; so he begged her to say ' sub-lime ' instead. ' We can make it mean,'he said, 'just the same, but we prefer itfor the sake of its associations.'

It soon, however, occurred to him thateating and drinking were hardly delightssufficient to justify the highest state ofhuman emotion, and he began to fear hehad been feeling sublime prematurely;but in another moment he recollectedhe was an altruist, and that the secretof their happiness was not that any oneof them was happy, but that they eachknew the others were.


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64 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA' Yes, my dear curate, ' said the Pro-

fessor, ' what I am enjoying is the cham-pagne that you drink, and what you areenjoying is the champagne that I drink.This is altruism ; this is benevolencethis is the sublime outcome of enlightenedmodern thought. The pleasures of thetable, in themselves, are low and beastlyones ; but if we each of us are only gladbecause the others are enjoying them,they become holy and glorious beyonddescription.'

' They do,' cried the curate rap-turously, 'indeed they do. I will drinkanother bottle for your sake. It is sub-lime ! ' he said, as he tossed off threeglasses. 'It is significant ! ' he said as


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he finished three more. ' Tell me, mydear, do I look significant ? ' he added,as he turned to Virginia, and suddenlytried to crown the general bliss by kissingher.

Virginia started back, looking fire andfury at him. The Professor was com-pletely astounded by an occurrence sounnatural, and exclaimed in a voice ofthunder, ' Morality, sirremember mo-rality ! How dare you upset that whichProfessor Huxley tells us must be forever strong enough to hold its own ?

But the last glass of champagne hadput the curate beyond the reach of exactthought. He tumbled under the table,and the Professor carried him off to bed.

F


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TT n 7i n n n n nirn n71 n ir

CHAPTER X.HE Professor, like most serious

thinkers, knew but little ofthat trifle commonly called

' the world.' He had never kissed any-one except his wife ; even that he did asseldom as possible ; and the curate lying

dead drunk was the first glimpse he had ofwhat, par excellence, is described as ' life.'But though the scene just recounted wasthus a terrible shock to him, in one

way it gave him an unlooked-for com-


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. 67fort. He had felt that even yet thingswere not quite as sublime as they shouldbe. He now saw the reason. ' Of course,'he said, ' existence cannot be perfectso long as one third of Humanity makesa beast of itself. A little more progressmust be still necessary.'

He hastened to explain this next morn-ing to Virginia, and begged her not tobe alarmed at the curate's scandalousconduct. ' Immorality,' he said, ' is buta want of success in attaining our ownhappiness. It is evidently most immoralfor the curate to be kissing you ; andtherefore kissing you. would not reallyconduce to his happiness. I will con-vince him of this solemn truth in a very

F 2


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68 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;few moments. Then the essential dig-nity of human nature will become atonce apparent, and we shall all of us atlast begin to be unspeakably happy.'

The curate, hov/ever, altogether declined to be convinced. He maintainedstoutly that to kiss Virginia would be thegreatest pleasure that Humanity couldoffer him. ' And if it is immoral as wellas pleasant,' he added, ' I should like itall the better.'

At this the Professor gave a terriblegroan ; he dropped almost fainting intoa chair ; he hid his face in his hands ;and murmured half-articulately, ' Then Ican't tell what to do ! ' In another in-stant, however, he recovered himself ; and


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OH, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 69fixing a dreadful look on the curate, ' Thatlast statement of yours,' he said, ' cannotbe true ; for if it were, it would upsetall my theories. It is a fact that can beproved and verified, that if you kissedVirginia it would make you miserable.'

' Pardon me,' said the curate, rapidlymoving towards her, ' your notion is aremnant of superstition ; I will explodeit by a practical experiment.'

The Professor caught hold of thecurate's coat-tails, and forcibly pulled himback into his seat.

' If you dare attempt it,' he said, ' Iwill kick you soundly; and, shocking,immoral man ! you will feel miserableenough then.'


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70 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;The curate was a terrible coward, and

very weak as well. 'You are a greathulking fellow,' he said, eyeing the Pro-fessor ; ' and I am of a singularly delicatebuild. I must, therefore, conform to thelaws of matter, and give in.' He saidthis in a very sulky voice ; and, goingout of the room, slammed the door afterhim.A radiant expression suffused the faceof the Professor. ' See,' he said to Vir-ginia, 'the curate's conversion is already

half accomplished. In a. few hours morehe will be rational, he will be moral, hewill be solemnly and significantly happy.'

The Professor talked like this toVirginia the whole morning ; but in spite


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 71of all his arguments, she declined to becomforted. ' It is all very well,' shesaid, ' whilst you are in the way. Butas soon as your back is turned, I knowhe will be at me again.'

' Will you never,' said Paul, by thistime a little irritated, ' will you neverlisten to exact thought ? The curate isnow reflecting ; and a little . reflectionmust inevitably convince him that hedoes not really care to , kiss you, andthat it would give him very little realpleasure to do so.'

' Stuff ! ' exclaimed Virginia, with asudden vigour at which the Professorwas thunderstruck. ' I can tell you,' shewent on, 'that better men than he have


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72 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.borne kicks for my sake ; and to kissme is the only thing that that little mancares about.What shall I do ? ' she ex-claimed, bursting into tears. ' Here isone of you insulting me by trying tokiss me ; and the other insulting me bysaying that I am not worth being kissed !

' Ah, me ! ' groaned the poor Professorin an agony, ' here is one third of Hu-manity plunged in sorrow ; and anotherthird has not yet freed itself from vice.When, when, I wonder, will the sublimitybegin ?


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CHAPTER XL[T dinner, however, things wore

a more promising aspect. Thecurate had been so terrified

by the Professor's threats, that he hardlydared to so much as look at Virginiaand to make up for it, he drank and drankchampagne, till the strings of his tonguewere loosed, and he was laughing andchattering at a rate that was quite extraor-dinary. Virginia, seeing herself thus neg-lected by the curate, began to fear that, as


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74 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA,Paul said, he really did not so much careto kiss her after all. She, therefore, puton all her most enticing ways ; she talked,flirted, and smiled her best, and madeher most effective eyes, that the curatemight see what a prize was for everbeyond his reach.

This state of affairs seemed full ofglorious promise. Virginia's tears weredried, she had never looked so radiantand exquisite before. The curate hadforegone every attempt to kiss Virginia,and. yet apparently he was happinessitself; and Paul took him aside, as soonas the meal was over, to congratulate 'him on the holy state to which exact'thought had conducted him. ' You see,'


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Paul said, 'what a natural growth theloftiest morality is. Virginia doesn't'want to be kissed by you. I should beshocked at your doing so shocking athing as kissing her. If you kissed her,you would make both of us miserableand, as a necessary consequence, youWould be in an agony likewise ; in addi-tion to which, I should inevitably kickyou.'

'But,' said the curate, 'suppose Ikissed Virginia on the sly, I merely putthis as an hypothesis, remember,andthat in a little while she liked it, whatthen ? She and I would both be happy,and you ought to be happy too, becausewe were.'


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76 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;' Idiot

!' said the Professor. ' Virginia

is another man's wife. Nobody reallylikes kissing another man's wife ; nor dowives ever like kissing any one excepttheir husbands. What they really likeis what Professor Huxley calls "the un-defined but bright ideal of the highestgood," which, as he says, exact thoughtshows us is the true end of existence.But, pooh ! what is the use of all thistalking ? You know which way yourhigher nature calls you ; and, of course,unless men believe in God, they cannothelp obeying their higher nature.'

' I,' said the curate, ' think the beliefin God a degrading superstition ; I thinkevery one an imbecile who believes a


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 77miracle possible. And yet I do notcare two straws about the highest, good.What you call my lower nature is^ farthe strongest : I mean to follow it tothe best of my ability ; and I prefercalling it my higher, for the sake of theassociations.'

This plunged the Professor in deepergrief than ever. He knew not what todo. He paced up and down the ve-randah, or about the rooms, and moanedand groaned as if he had a violenttoothache. Virginia and the curate askedwhat was amiss with him. ' I amagonising,' he said, ' for the sake of holy,solemn, unspeakably dignified Humanity.'

The curate, seeing the Professor thus


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78 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;dejected, by degrees took heart againand as Virginia still continued her fasci-nating behaviour to him, he resolved totry and prove to her that, the test ofmorality being happiness, the most moralthing she could do would be to allowhim to kiss her. No sooner had hebegun to propound these views, than theProfessor gave over his groaning, seizedthe curate by the collar, and draggedhim out of the room with a roughnessthat nearly throttled him.

' I was but propounding a theoryan opinion,' gasped the curate. ' Surelythought is free. You will not persecuteme for my opinions ? '

' It is not for your opinions,' said the


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 79Professor, 'but for the horrible effectthey might have. Opinions,' he roared,' can only be tolerated which have no pos-sible consequences. You may promulgateany of those as much as you like ; be-cause to do that would be a self-regardingaction.'


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CHAPTER XII.ELL,' said the curate, 'if I

may not kiss Virginia, I willdrink brandy instead. That

will make me happy enough ; and thenwe shall all be radiant.'

He soon put his resolve into practice.He got a bottle of brandy, he sat him-self down under a palm-tree, and toldthe Professor he was going to make anafternoon of it.


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THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA. 81' Foolish man

!

' said the Professor' I was never drunk myself, it is true ;but I know that to get drunk makesone's head ache horribly. To get drunkis, therefore, horribly immoral ; and there-fore I cannot permit it.'

' Excuse me,' said the curate ; ' it isa self-regarding action. Nobody's headwill ache but mine ; so that is my ownlook-out. I have been expelled fromschool, from college, and from my firstcuracy for drinking. So I know wellenough the balance of pains and pleasures.'

Here he pulled out his brandy bottle,and applied his lips to it.


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82 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA'Oh, Humanity!' he exclaimed, 'how

solemn this brandy tastes !Matters went on like this for several

days. The curate was too much frightened to again approach Virginia. Virginia at last became convinced that hedid not care about kissing her. Hervanity was wounded, and she becamesullen ; and this made the Professorsullen also. In fact, two thirds of Hu-manity were overcast with gloom. Theonly happy section of it was the curate,who alternately smoked and drank allday long.

' The nasty little beast ! ' said Virginiato the Professor; 'he is nearly alwaysdrunk. I am beginning quite to like


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 83you, Paul, by comparison with him. Letus turn him out, and not let him live inthe cottage.'

' No,' said the Professor ; ' for he isone third of Humanity. You do notproperly appreciate the solidarity of man-kind. His existence, however, I admitis a great difficulty.'

One day at dinner-time, shortly after-wards, Paul came in radiant.

' Oh holy, oh happy event ! ' he ex-claimed ; ' all will go right at last.'

Virginia inquired anxiously what hadhappened, and Paul informed her thatthe curate, who had got more drunkthan usual that afternoon, had fallenover a cliff, and been dashed to pieces.

g 2


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84 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.' What event,' he asked, ' could be

more charmingmore unspeakably holy ?It bears about it every mark of sanctity.It is for the greatest happiness of thegreatest number. Come,' he continued,' let you and me together, purged of sin,and purged of sorrow as we arelet usbegin our love-feast. Let us each seekthe happiness of the other. Let us instantly be sublime and happy.'


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CHAPTER XIII.HE supreme moment is come,'

said Paul solemnly, as theysat down to dinner. ' Let us

prepare ourselves for realising to the fullthe essential dignity of Humanitythatgrand itre, which has come, in the courseof progress, to consist of you and me.Virginia, consider this. Every conditionof happiness that modern thinkers havedreamed of is now fulfilled. We havebut to seek each the happiness of the


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86 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA ;

other, and we shall both be in a solemn,a significant, and unspeakable state ofrapture. See, here is an exquisite legof mutton. I,' said Paul, who liked thefat best, ' will give up all the fat to you.'

'And I,' said Virginia, resignedly,' will give up all the lean to you.'A few mouthfuls made Virginia feel

sick. ' I confess,' said she, ' I can't geton with this fat.'

' I confess,' the Professor answered,' I don't exactly like this lean.'

' Then let us,' said Virginia, ' be likeJack Sprat and his wife.'

' No,' said the Professor, meditatively,1 that is quite inadmissible. For in thatcase we should be egoistic hedonists.


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 87However, for to-day it shall be as yousay. I will think of something betterto-morrow.'

Next day he and Virginia had >achicken apiece ; only Virginia's was putbefore Paul, and Paul's before Virginiaand they each walked round the tableto supply each other with the slightestnecessaries.

' Ah ! ' cried Paul, ' this is altruismindeed. I think already I can feel thesublimity beginning.'

Virginia liked this rather better. Butsoon she committed the sin of taking forherself the liver of Paul's chicken. Assoon as she had eaten the whole of ither conscience began to smite her. She


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confessed her sin to Paul, and inquired,with some anxiety, if he thought shewould go to hell for it. ' Metaphorically,'said Paul, 'you have already done so.You are punished by the loss of thepleasure you would have had in givingthat liver to me, and also by your know-ledge of my knowledge of your folly inforegoing the pleasure.'

Virginia was much relieved by thisanswer ; she at once took several moreof the Professor's choicest bits, and washappy in the thought that her sins wereexpiated in the very act of their com-mission, by the latent pain she felt per-suaded they were attended by. Feelingthat this was sufficient, she took care


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 89not to add Paul's disapproval to herpunishment, so she never told him again.

For a short time this practice of altru-ism seemed to Virginia to have many-advantages. But though the Professorwas always exclaiming, ' How significantis human life by the very nature of itsconstitution ! ' she very soon found it atrifle dull. Luckily, however, she hitupon a new method of exercising morality, and, as the Professor fully ad-mitted, of giving it a yet more solemnsignificance.

The Professor having by some acci-dent lost his razors, his moustaches hadbegun to grow profusely, and Virginia hadwatched them with a deep but half-con-


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90 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;scious admiration. At last, in a happymoment, she exclaimed, ' Oh, Paul, dolet me wax the ends for you.' Paul atfirst giggled, blushed, and protested, but,as Virginia assured him it would makeher happy, he consented. ' Then,' shesaid, 'you will know that I am happy,and that in return will make you happyalso. Ah

!' she exclaimed when the

operation was over, ' do go and examineyourself in the glass. I declare you lookexactly like Jack BarleyBarley-Sugar,as we used to call himof the Blues.'Virginia smiled ; suddenly she blushedthe Professor blushed also. To coverthe' blushes she begged to be allowedto do his hair. ' It will make me so


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 91much happier, Paul,' she said. TheProfessor again assented, that he mightmake Virginia happy, and that she mightbe happy in knowing that he washappy in promoting her happiness. Atlast the Professor, shy and awkward ashe was, was emboldened to offer to doVirginia's hair in return. She allowedhim to arrange her fringe, and, as shefound he did no great harm to it, she lethim repeat the operation as often as heliked.

A week thus passed, full, as the Pro-fessor said, of infinite solemnity. ' Iadmit, Paul,' sighed Virginia, ' that thisaltruism, as you call it, is very touching.I like it very much. But,' she added,


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92 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA.sinking her voice to a whisper, ' are youquite sure, Paul, that it is perfectlymoral ?'

' Moral !' echoed the Professor, 'moral

!

Why, exact thought shows us that itis the very essence of all morality !


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~~%7 S7 ^7 f"~ *?s?^ v

CHAPTER XIV.>ATTERS now went on charm-

ingly. All existence seemedto take a richer colouring,

and there was something, Paul said,which, in Professor T yndall's words,'gave fulness and tone to it, butwhich he could neither analyse nor com-prehend.' But at last a change came.One morning, whilst Virginia was ar-ranging Paul's moustaches, she wasfrightened almost into a fit by a sudden


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94 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;apparition at the window. It was ahideous hairy figure, perfectly nakedbut for a band of silver which it woreabout its neck. For a moment it didnothing but grin and stare ; then, utter-ing a discordant scream, it flung intoVirginia's lap a filthy piece of carrion,and in an instant it had bounded awaywith an almost miraculous activity.

i

Virginia shrieked with disgust andterror, and clung to Paul's knees for pro-tection. He, however, in some strangeway, seemed unmoved and preoccupied.All at once, to her intense surprise,she saw his face light up with an ex-pression of triumphant eagerness. 'Themissing link ! ' he exclaimed, ' the missing


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 95link at last ! Thank GodI beg pardonfor my unspeakable blasphemyI mean,thank circumstances over which I haveno control. I must this instant go outand hunt for it. Give me some pro-visions in a knapsack, for I will not comeback till I have caught it.'

This was a fearful blow to Virginia.She fell at Paul's feet weeping, and be-sought him in piteous accents that hewould not thus abandon her.

' I must,' said the Professor solemnly,' for I am going in pursuit of Truth.To arrive at Truth is man's perfect andmost rapturous happiness. You mustsurely know that, even if I have forgottento tell it to you. To pursue truthholy


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96 THE NEW PAUL AAD VIRGINIA;

truth for holy truth's sakeis a moresolemn pleasure than even frizzling yourhair.'

' Oh,' cried Virginia, hysterically, ' Idon't care two straws for truth. What onearth is the good of it ?

' It is its own end/ said the Professor.' It is its own exceeding great reward.I must be off at once in search of it.Good-bye for the present. Seek truth onyour own account, and be unspeakablyhappy also, because you know that I amseeking it'

The Professor remained away for threedays. For the first two of tbem Virginiawas inconsolable. She wandered aboutmournfully with her head dejected. She


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very often sighed ; she very often utteredthe name of Paul. At last she surprisedherself by exclaiming aloud to the irre-sponsive solitude, ' Oh, Paul, until youwere gone, I never knew how passionatelyI loved you.' No sooner were thesewords out of her mouth than she stood-still, horror-stricken. ' Alas ! ' she cried,' and have I really come to this ? I amin a state of deadly sin, and there is nopriest here to confess to ! Alone, alone Imust conquer my forbidden love as I may.But, ah me, what a guilty thing I am !

As she uttered these words, her eyesfell on a tin box of the Professor's, marked' Private,' which he always kept carefullylocked, and which had before now excited

H


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her curiosity. Suddenly she became con-scious of a new impulse. ' I will pursuetruth! 'she exclaimed. 'I will breakthat box open, and I will see what isinside it. Ah ! ' she added, as with theaid of the poker she at last wrenched offthe padlock. 'Paul may be right, afterall. There is more interest , in the pur-suit of truth than I thought there was.'

The box was full of papers, letters,and diaries, the greater part of whichwere marked 'Strictly private.' Seeingthis, Virginia's appetite for truth becamekeener than ever. She instantly beganher researches. The more she read,the more eager she became ; and themore private appeared the nature of


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 99the documents, the more insatiable didher thirst for truth grow. To her ex-treme surprise, she gathered that theProfessor had begun life as a clergy-man. There were several photographs ofhim in his surplice; and a number ofdevout prayers, apparently composed byhimself for his own personal use. Thisdiscovery was the result of her labours.

'Certainly,' she said, 'it is one ofextreme significance. If Paul was apriest once, he must be a priest now.Orders are indelibleat least in theChurch of England I know they are.

H 2


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CHAPTER XV.>AUL came back, to Virginia's

extreme relief, without themissing link. But he was

still radiant in spite of his failure ; forhe had discovered, he said, a placewhere the creature had apparently slept,and he had collected in a card-paperbox a large number of its parasites.

' I am glad,' said Virginia, ' that youhave not found the missing link : thoughas to thinking that we really came from


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monkeys, of course that is too absurd.Now if you could have brought me anice monkey, I should really have likedthat. The Bishop has promised that Ishall have a darling one, if I ever reachhimah me !if Paul,' continued Vir-ginia, in a very solemn voice, after along pause, 'do you know that whilstyou have been away I have been pur-suing truth ? I rather liked it ; and Ifound it very, very significant'

' Oh, joy ! ' exclaimed the Professor.' Oh, unspeakable radiance ! Oh, holy,oh essentially dignified Humanity ! it willvery soon be perfect ! Tell me, Virginia,what truths have you been discovering?'

' One truth about you, Paul,' said


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102 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA ;

Virginia, very gravely, 'and one truthabout me. I burnoh, I burn to tellthem to you !

The Professor was enraptured to hearthat one half of Humanity had beenthus studying human nature ; and hebegan asking Virginia if her discoveriesbelonged to the domain of historical orbiological science. Meanwhile Virginiahad flung herself on her knees beforehim, and was exclaiming, in piteous ac-cents

' By my fault, by my own fault, bymy very grievous fault, holy father, Iconfess to you '

' Is the woman mad ? ' cried the Pro-fessor, starting up from his seat.


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OH, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. 103

'You are a priest, Paul,' said Vir-ginia; 'that is one of the things I havediscovered. I am in a state of deadlysin ; that is the other : and I must andwill confess to you. Once a priest, al-ways a priest. You cannot get rid ofyour orders, and you must and shallhear me.'

' I was once in orders, it is true/said Paul, reluctantly ; ' but how did youfind out my miserable secret ?

' In my zeal for truth,' said Virginia,' I broke open your tin box ; I read allyour letters; I looked at your earlyphotographs ; I saw all your beautifulprayers.'

'You broke open my box!' cried


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the Professor. ' You read my letters andmy private papers ! Oh, horrible ! oh,immoral ! What shall we do if one halfof Humanity has no feeling of honour ?

' Oh ! ' said Virginia, ' it was all forthe love of truthof solemn and holytruth. I sacrificed every other feelingfor that. But I have not told you mytruth yet; and I. am determined youshall hear it, or I must still remain inmy sins. Paul, I am a married womanand I discover, in spite of that, that Ihave fallen in love with you. My hus-band, it is true, is far away ; and what-ever we do, he could never possibly bethe wiser. But I am in a state ofmortal sin, nevertheless ; and I would


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give anything in the world if you wouldonly kiss me.'

'Woman!' exclaimed Paul, aghastwith fright and horror, 'do you dare toabuse truth, by turning it to such basepurposes ?

' Oh, you -are so clever,' Virginiawent on, ' and when the ends of yourmoustaches are waxed, you look posi-tively handsome ; and I love you sodeeply and so tenderly, that I shallcertainly go to hell if you do not giveme absolution.'

At this the Professor jumped up,and, staring very hard at Virginia, askedher if, after all that he had said on theship, she really believed in such ex-


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io6 THE NEW PAUL AND VIRGINIA;

ploded fallacies as hell, God, and priest-craft.

She reminded him that he hadpreached there without a surplice, andthat she had therefore not thought itright to listen to a word he said.

' Ah ! ' cried the Professor, with asigh of intense relief, ' I see it all now.How can Humanity ever be unspeak-ably holy so long as one half of itgrovels in dreams of an unspeakablyholy God ? As Mr. Frederic Harrisontruly says, a want of faith in "the es-sential dignity of man is one of thesurest marks of the enervating influenceof this dream of a celestial glory.'"The Professor accordingly re-delivered


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to Virginia the entire substance of hislectures in the ship. He fully impressedon her that all the intellect of the worldwas on the side of Humanity; and thatGod's existence could be disproved witha box of chemicals. He was agreeablysurprised at finding her not at all un-willing to be convinced, and extremelyunexacting in her demands for proof.In a few days she had not a remnantof superstition left. ' At last ! ' exclaimedthe Professor; 'it has come at last!Unspeakable happiness will surely be-gin now.'


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CHAPTER XVI.bO one now could possibly be

more emancipated than Virgi-nia. She tittered all day long

and whenever the Professor asked herwhy, she always told him she was think-ing of ' an intelligent First Cause,' aconception which she said 'was reallyquite killing.' But when her first burstof intellectual excitement was over, shebecame more serious. ' All thought, Paul,'she said, ' is valuable mainly because it


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leads to action. Come, my love, mydove, my beauty, and let us kiss eachother all daylong. Let us enjoy thecharming license which exact thoughtshows us we shall never be punished for.'

This was a result of freedom thatthe Professor had never bargained for.He could not understand it, ' because,'he argued, ' if people were to reason inthat way, morality would at once ceaseto be possible.' But he had seen somuch of the world lately, that he soonrecovered himself, and recollecting thatimmorality was only ignorance, he beganto show Virginia where her error layher one remaining error. ' I perceive,'he said, 'that you are ignorant of one


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of the greatest triumphs of exact thoughtthe distinction it has established be-tween the lower and the higher pleasures.Philosophers, who have thought the wholething over in their studies, have becomesure that as soon as the latter arepresented to men they will at once leaveall and follow them.'

' They must be very nice pleasures,'said Virginia, ' if they would make meleave kissing you for the sake of them.'

' They are nice,' said the Professor.' They are the pleasures of the imagina-tion, the intellect, and the glorious ap-prehension of truth. Compared withthese, kissing me would be quite insipid.Remain here for a moment, whilst I go


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OR, POSITIVISM ON AN ISLAND. in

to fetch something, and you shall thenbegin to taste them.'

In a few moments Paul came backagain, and.found Virginia in a state ofintense expectancy.

'Now,'. he exclaimed triumphantly.,,,-j'Now,' exclaimed Virginia, with a

beating heart.;., The , Professor put his hand in his

pocket, and drew slowly forth from itan object which Virginia knew well.It reminded her of the most innocentperiod of her life ; but she hated thevery sight of it none the less. It wasa Colenso's Arithmetic.

' Come,' said the Professor, ' notruths are so pure

Documents

The New Paul and Virginia or Positivism on an Island (W. H. Mallock, n.d.-4th Edition)Cu31924013521079