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The Newspaper for Science Students.

ELECTIONS CLAIM NINESome controversy was

voiced by Society membersafter it was disclosed thatDirector of Finance acdarnateJason Holmes was a chieffinancial consultant forformer Drexel-Bumham chiefand convicted swindlerMichael Milken during themid-1980s . However, after alengthy investigation, it wasdetermined that Holmes hadnever worked for Milken, andthat he had simply includedthe false appointment in hisresume in order to secure ajob with the Ministry ofFinance . Said Holmes of theaffair, "He's a darling man. I'ddo it again . . . oh . Wrongaffair . Sony ."

Complications of a different

Vancouver (AP)—Lastweek, in an election likenedby some as "a dark stain onthe annals of democracy",nine Science studentssacrificed their freedom in thename of UBC Science.

Those poor lost souls, whowill be forming next year'sExecutive, are : SarahThornton, President; LaurieYee, Internal VP; StephenColeman, External VP ; JasonS. Holmes, Director ofFinance ; Delwin Yung,Director of Sports ; Moriethen, Secretary; MatthewBrear, Social Coordinator;Graeme Kennedy, PublicRelations Officer ; and thisyear's only returning victim,Ryan McCuaig, Director ofPublications.

Coleman, who is currentlyActing External VP (filling infor His ImperialItnportantness Roger Watts,now AMS Director ofAdministration), was duct-

taped to a building support inthe Cheeze when news of his(ahem) victory was released,and he was consequentlyunavailable for comment . Theother candidates for theposition, however, wasted notime in congratulating him onhis win. "Nah, I can't say I'mtoo disappointed," said GlenDavid, who finished justbehind Coleman. "Steve'sreally going to be good, notonly for SUS involvement, butfor that of other faculties aswell . I hear that it's hisinfluence that has the AUSputting together a tankingteam."

Thornton, for her part,evinced a reaction which canonly be described asmarginally Interested whenshe learned that she was tobe the new SUS President.Perhaps Thornton's mostunique qualification is thatshe is a blackbelt in theexotic martial art of chairido.

Though she doubts it will benecessary to apply any of thediscipline's devastating gavelstrikes or holds, she will bebringing her lighter woodenthrowing gavel to meetingsjust in case . "If throwncorrectly, it exhibits a lot ofboomerang-style flightpatterns, which is great forwhacking unruly membersupside the head across theroom while still getting thegavel back," she said.

Once again, as is thehallmark of SUS Elections,apathy ruled the polls, as awhopping 274 voters turnedout to show their support fortheir candidates. "It's kindatoo bad, really," said SocialCoordinator-elect Matt BeerBrear. "I had promisedeveryone that if theycampaigned really hard andgot 275 people to come outand vote, I'd have free beer atall of next year's functions.Oh well. . . maybe next year."

sort plagued Secretary-electMorie Olen. It seems thatChen expressed dismay whenshe learned of Council'sdecision to forbid her fromacting like Lara Flynn Boylein 7be Temp . "It wasdetermined that this sort ofactivity would be detrimentalto good working relationswithin the office," said SUSDirector of Bureaucracy JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith, live via satellite fromBora Bora. "Especially the bitwith the flying knives andwhat-not."

Public Relations OfficerGraeme Kennedy was feelingreclusive and paranoid atpress time, and declined anycomment.

"I think I'm gonna have to give you rwe on this one, Stan..."

Da F gures . ..President

Sarah Thornton

175 Yes28 No

InternalVice PresidentLaurie Yee

128 (128)Chris George

124 (119)

External Vice President Stephen Coleman

112Glen David

75Terence Fan

37Larissa Puts

21

Director of Financeam Holmes

165 Yes22 No

Director of PublicationsRyan McCuaig

181 Yes20 No

Director of Sports Delwin Yung

131Bryan Tepper

91

Executive SecretaryMorie Chen

165David Skogstad

59

Public Relations OfficerGraeme Kennedy

105Keith Barter*

71Farheen Rawji

31...... . . . .

Social Coordinator.

. . . . . ..Matt Brear

177 Yes18 No

Numbers parentheses denote recount .

The Four Thirty-Two • 2 March '93

"Bummer about chat UNappointment, eh, Brian?"

I don't know what Food andNutritional Sciences would have tosay about this, but I have a theorythat just may help solve a few prob-lems co this planet.

It goes something like this . ..everybody around here knows thatthere aren't enough hours in the day.We all could use a little more timeevery now and then . The only prob-lem is that after a while, one gets alittle run-down and tired and general-ly frazzled, and needs to go to sleep.Unfortunately, one then invariablyneeds to wake up exactly twenty-etght minutes into one's midterm thenext morning.

Usually, this fatigue is brought onby low blood sugar, which can beremedied by either fixing yourself a

nice icing sugar IV, or by eatingsomething (far more enjoyable, trustme). Often a good snack will pickyou up and keep you going for sometime.

Which brings me to my theory.Suppose that the amount of time thatone spends eating is inversely pro-portional to the amount of time thatone spends sleeping. What thiswould mean is that if the time of eat-ing were to approach infinity, thetime of sleeping would approachzero; that is, if one were to eat con-stantly, you'd never have to sleep!Cool, huh? I mean, it works thearound . . . Mozart sleeps like a log,and he hasn't eaten in 200 years!

Hey. . . whaddaya mean I don't geta research grant?

Ding dong, the chin isgone. That's right, kiddies.For those of you who'vebeen out of the country forthe last few days, yourfavourite uncle and mine,Brian Mulroney, finally threwin the towel . In response tothe loss of a great politicalmind, I offer this musicaltribute:

"You've got to know whento bold 'em, know when tofold 'ern,know when to walkknow when to run . ..

Kenny Rogers, TheGambler

Not that I'm reallyintensely sorry to see him go.It is my gelatinous belief(gelatinous because it's notquite firm, but it is definitelyset) that the differencebetween two given politicalparties is somewhat akin tothe relationship betweenpositive and negative infinity.I'm not quite sure how theywork, but somehow I get theimpression that they're morerelated to each other than werealize. I mean, if you thinkthat we will ever see the endof the Gouging and ScrewingTax, well, let me just say thatI have some oceansideproperty in the NorthwestTerritories that I'd beinterested in selling you.

Now Uncle Bri and Iactually have something incommon now: both of us aregoing to be job-hunting.Okay, so his resume will be abit better padded than mine,but who's he going to get asa reference? A Canadian?

I've been thinking aboutmy future and all that sort ofneat stuff. The bad news is,I'm still not entirely surewhat I should do with mylife . The good news is, I doknow what I don't want tobe:

1 . A journalist. You mightthink that just because Iwrite for a paperregularly, I actually wantto do this for a living.Wrong! With my deepestapologies to the ethicalpeople, there are toomany losers out there.Like the nincompoopfrom a paper (which shallremain nameless) whowent to my mother'sschool recently lookingfor a photo of a girl whoseparents had been involved

in a domestic disputewhich resulted in amurder-suicide. I mean,believe it or not, thepublic doesn't reallywantto know.

Besides, there's alwaysthe little things, likepeople asking you towrite about them. Jacqand Mitra, for example.The last time I went downto Vanier to laugh at them,

aid, "Why don't youever write about us?" So Ipromised to try for thisweek, but I couldn't thinkof anything, so I'm goingto write about Jacq'spuke-coloured modelbattleship . When I walkedinto her room, Iimmediately noticed itdangling from her ceilingand felt obliged tocomment.

"Nice . . .", I said, stuckfor a noun that wouldfully encompass thefeelings produced by theshape.

" . . .Klingon battleship,"Jacq finished easily.

"Yeah, whatever," I said.

You can bet that evenestablished journalists getthis stuff all the time.

"Hewwo, BawbwaWawtaws speaking."

"Hey, Babs, this is Bobfrom Springfield High!"

"Hi, Bob, how the heckaw you?"

"Great, but listen, Babs,I need you to do me afavour. I'm just about toopen my latest outlet ofBob's Faucet World, and Iwas wondering if I couldcount on you to be therefor the grand opening onSaturday . . ."

2 . A secondary schoolteacher. Now this one Iknow inside and out,because my mom

substituted for about tenyears before she started apermanent positionteaching grades eightthrough ten . Anyone whodoesn't think there'sanything wrong with ourpresent education systemhas his/her head so far uphis/her butt that (s)hecould quite easily sneezethrough his/her navel.Kids in my mom's classthink that Toronto is inFrance, and that thecontinents are Europe,Germany, and Japan.

3. A jazz musician. I'm sorry,but if I were a jazzmusician, and I can't findanything better to do withmy time than to docommercials for femininehygiene products, I wouldbe looking for anotherline of work.

4. A politician, a CEO, orsomeone else in thepublic eye . I think thatRobyn and Moe shouldquit, but not because theyspeed, because everyonespeeds to some degree . Imean, if you've beendriving regularly for morethan a year and you sayyou never speed, eitheryou're a liar or your levelof safety-consciousnessapproaches severeretentiveness . No, I thinkthey should quit becausethey're too daft for theirjobs. Everyone speeds,but most people manageto avoid getting stoppedby the police, or a tree, oranother car.

I think I belongsomewhere where I can bestapply my current life skills,which unfortunately, for thetime being, range fromprocrastination to divinedisorganization. Maybe I canget a job working for CanadaPost.

Eleven down, oneto go. Deadline for

the last issue ofthe year is March15, 1993. So why

not give yourneurons a break

and writesomethi.n'?

Accept nosubstitutes.

ATTENTION ALLSHAD SURVIVORS!!

There will be a fun night of broomball and food for allwho were able to endure the gruelling SHAD month.

The event is planned for Sat, March 27 at 4pm.Please contact Danielle at 224-9000 or

Julie at 224-9921 before March 15.A minimal fee may be required,

or it may be subsidized.

General ScienceGrad Composite '93

Sittings at Artona's March 7—19.Call Mary at Artona's (872-7272)to book your sitting . Contact Tim

Lam at 822-4235 for confirmation .

The Pre-Med Society presents:

GYM NITEat Osborne A, featuring,as always, pizza and pop.

March 5, 8–11 PM.$ 2 for non-members.

SKATE DAYAsk at WOOD G30.

March 7, 11 :45 AM–1 :45 PM$ 2 for non-members .

2 Mar '93 The Four Thirty-Two

Sales Slips

Michael Chow

Do you thirst for power?Do you have an extraordinaryfashion sense? Do you have

canny marketing skills? Ifu answered `yes' to all of

the above, then the Salesages position is for you! If

you answered 'no', then thesition could stillbe for you!al's right, the position of

Science Sales Manager for the1993-94 Winter Session isopen for nominations . Feelfree to drop by our office inCHEM 160 and ask forMichael Chow, to learn moreabout this position.

Unfortunately, our SpecialOrders Coordinator, EricSeewald, has resigned.However, if your team orclub would like to orderuniforms, I would be able tohelp.

Our Sales BoothCoordinator, Edward Choice,is planning on setting upsome Sales Booths during themonth of March. Keep an eyeout for them.

As seen in previous 'SalesSlips', the deadlines for jacketorders and cardigans havepassed. Also, the salescampaign for the

rtainment '93 and Gold CSavings Spree coupon bookshas ended.*NEW ITEMS: Science

baseball shirts, baseballcaps, shorts, T-shirts,sweatshirts, sweatpants,cardigans, teddy bears,roll-up T-shirts.

*BELOW COST: 100%-cottonScience Week '93 T-shirts! You've seen thesebeautiful T-shirts duringScience Week, and here'syour opportunity to get

your hands on one foronly $5! Available in avariety of colours.

*BELOW COST: 10M-cottonembroidered sweatersonly $15! Available in

royal or white . Wehave crew-necks and V-necks. Hurry, they'reselling fast!

•Is your team or club lookingfor clothing or uniforms?We deal directly with themanufacturers andwholesalers to get youthe best prices around.Most orders require oneweek. Compare ourprices: 1 dozen, 100%

Fruit of the Loom

standard-weight T-shirts,with a full-front 2-colourlogo, and 2-digit 8-inchnumbers, all for only$13.50 each (all taxesincluded!)

'Our Annual Paper Sale isstill on! We sell 200sheets of looseleaf foronly $0.75. That's half theprice you'll pay at theBookstore, plus allproceeds will be donatedto charity.

Feel free to drop by andcheck out our UBC Scienceclothing display. We are inthe Chemistry building, room160.

McKnig>

Carmen McKnight

Ta-Dah . You have yourExecutive for next year (seepage 1, for results) . The newExec will take office on April1st . Congratulations to thewinners . It's my hope thatthose who didn't win in thiselection will stick around andstay involved with the SUS.All candidates were wellqualified.

There are now somevacancies on the Council, andmore vacancies will come upwhen the Executive turnsover. The vacant seats are foran Oceanography Rep andThird Year Rep . Thesepositions will last untilOctober when Year & DeptRep Elections for '93-'94 takeplace. The duties includekeeping one office hour inSUS per week, and attendingweekly SUS Council meetingsand the occasional Faculty ofScience meeting.

Ifyou are interested ineither position, please let us

know ASAP, as we need to fillthese positions immediately.We will also need to fill thefollowing seats on April 1st:two Second Year Reps, oneFirst Year Rep, one BiologyRep, one Biochemistry Rep,and another Third Year Rep.Volunteering for one of thesepositions is a great way to getinvolved in SUS, and youprobably won't even need togo though an election. Aswell, we want to make surethat students are fullyrepresented at the Faculty ofScience meetings.

Coming up this week is theSUS Annual General Meeting.It's in the SUB Party Room at12:30 on Thursday, March 4.All Science students arewelcome to attend (but you'llhave to bring your AMS card).Dean McBride will bespeaking, the newly electedExecutive will be introduced,and we'll be giving out theTeaching Excellence Award.There's free food too, so whynot come on down?

P.S.A. BEERGARDEN!Friday, March 12

4:32-8 :00Buchanan Lounge

50/50 Draw.

DON'T PANIC;ANS WORD PROCES

will do it for you!• on campus• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland• familiar with APA/MLA and thesis requirements

Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640Mon-Thu: 9am - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm

The UBC Science Undergraduate Societyhas a

POSITION AVAILABLEWe are looking for somebody to fill the position of

Science Sales Manager

This position will be available April 1, 1993 and is for the1993-1994 UBC Winter Session

QUALIFICATIONS-Student registered in the Faculty of Science for the1993 .94 Winter Session-Willing to apply basic marketing skills, leadershipabilities and fashion sense-No experience necessary

RESPONSIBILITIES-Minimum of 3 office hours per week-Weekly Sales report at SUS council meeting-Market Science Sales merchandise and services-Delegate responsibilities to Sales Special OrdersCoordinator, Sales Booth Coordinator and SalesBookkeeper

To inquire about this position, please contact Michael Chowat the Science Undergraduate Society office, CHEM B 160,phone number 822-4235

Please indicate the numberof overlays and colours for this flat

_,Overlays Cyan Magenta

Yellow

__. B lack

N ed Green ,Blue Other

NEW, IMPROVED CURE FOR

INSOMNIA!

USE °N g RS DIRECTED -

TAKE tT AgAIO, ANC►

AWN, AND

• First Year• 2 Second Years• Third Year• Biochemistry• Biology• Oceanography

The positions would last fromApril 1 to mid-October. Year repsmust be currently in that year.Departmental reps must be inSecond year or later, and havedeclared a program in thatdepartment.

For more information, pleasecontact Carmen McKnight orJeff Chen at 822-4235.

SUS Council has openings for thefollowing interim representatives :

The Four Thirty-Two *2 March '93

.. .The Morris Methods"Test subject #2, Beware!These pictutes will be sent toyour mom unless you pay usten dollars a week . Ha, Ha,Ha." Test subject #2 was facedwith the extreme stress,anxiety, and tension of thesituation.Increase in Theta Activity?NoSelf-Evisceration? Uncertain.Results and Observations:There was no increase in thetaactivity in test subject #2, but it

did possibly self-eviscerate afterreading the letter.Test subject #2

in the midstof the 40-beer atthis point,however, and thisreaction couldequally beattributed to

violent gastric expulsion.(read: spewing). (Note : MyEngineering friends will notspeak to me after they heardabout this experiment. Whenasked why, one of them said tome, "How could you do such acreel thing? The poor, innocent

briareus!lnvolvinghis mom was the worst thingyou could have done! Don'tyou scientists have anyfeelings, any compassion?" .)Situation #2Description: Unknown andunnoticed by test subject #3, Ihired a professional actress toplay the part of his currentgirlfriend. The real girlfriend of

Itij6RRISExperiment *4 — The EEGunit and 7hvrone briareus

1. ProcedureA Model 360, EEG unit(electroencephalographic), is asmall machine which can beused to show levels of brainactivity. This is accomplishedthrough the use of a pair ofdisk electrodes, which areplaced on the surface of thetest subject's head.It has been shown that duringa person's "awake" state, theEEG produces what is calledAlpha wave "activity". Thisactivity is a frequency which isnormally in the range of 8 to12 cycles per second. Onemight say the more active thebrain is, the higher the alphafrequency.It is with this information thattoday's experiment will becarried out . In the past twoexperiments with Thronebriareus I have seen that thereisn't the direct correlationbetween danger level and self-evisceration that I initiallythought there to be . I nowfigure that it is simply theincrease in nervous frequency,and not exclusively danger,that causes self-evisceration in

In this experiment a 7byrrmebriareus test subject will behooked up to a Model 360EEG unit and placed insituations that will surely causean increase in brain activity.(These situations are a mixtureof a little danger, a littlesurrealism, and a lot of stress).Note: the EEG units in thisexperiment were modified towork on the simple nervoussystem of Thyrone Briareus.Also note that the EEG willregister in the taactivity ratherthan alphaactivity (thetafrequency ismuch slower).The reason beingthat the nervousactivity of a seacucumber is notas high as that ofa human.2. HIf members of the species7byreme briareus are placed inan uncomfortable, alarming,and stressful situation, thenervous theta activity of thetest subject will increase as thesituation is presented. A highenough increase in thetaactivity will result in selfevisceration.3. Data and ObservationsNote : The control of theexperiment was test subject #1sitting in a simulation of itshomeland (ie . my bathtub) . Noincrease in theta activityoccurred, and no self-

evisceration occurred. This isin accordance with myhypothesis,Situation #1Desaiption: Test subject #2was nominated for the positionof Executive SanitationEngineer in the upcoming SUSelections. The job entailed thecleaning up of any SUSfunction, meeting, orgathering; obviously, it was ahighly sought position.As expected, however, test

subject #2 was acclaimed, ascompetition dropped out ofthe picture . What happenednext was equally predictable:test subject #2 realized it was asure thing for the position andhad come to consider itself anEngineer (sanitation engineeralbeit, but still an engineer).Consequently it startedhanging out at the Cheeze andwearing red. With the first partof the experiment setup, thesecond part was executed.Pictures were taken of testsubject #2 partaking in variousEUS activities, and copies weresent along with a note to testsubject #2 . The note read:

test subject #3 was Michelle (ablonde secretary who workedat the PISA centre — PeopleInfatuated with SeafoodAnonymous). Through variousfont's of extortion (which arealgebraically obvious and thedetails can therefore beomitted) Michelle agreed tokeep away from test subject#3 . With this in place, theexperiment could not beinterrupted.Now, the imposter started toleave subtle dues that she wascheating on test subject #3 (inone case, we left a thirdtoothbrush in the bathroom oftheir apartment.) Test subject#3 was faced with the dilemmaof whether or not to confrontthe imposter with theevidence.Increase Theta Activity? Yes,slightly.Self-evisceration? No.Results and Observations:No increase in Theta activitywas registered when the moresubtle dues wereadministered. However, whentest subject #3 came homefrom work early one day, andfound the actress in bed withtest subject #1 (the control), aslight increase of Theta activitydid occur. Unfortunately,contrary to my hypothesis, testsubject #3 did not self-eviscerate.

()oafs! The thrills, the chills!Stay tuned next week for the

exciting conclusion . ..

Annual. .''" ..' - . ..General Meeting

of the Science Undergraduate Society

Thursday, March 4,1993.12:30 PM SUB Party Room.

• Introduction of New Executive. • Presentation of Executive Awards.• Commentary by Dean McBride . • Teaching Excellence Award.• End-of-year Society Reports . • Consumption of L =we — fa #J es.

* Please bring your AMS Card *

Please indicate the numberof overlays and colours for this flat Overlays Cyan Magenta __Yellow Black Red_Green Blue _Other