THE PAPER!!!!!"#$%&'("%)(*'+(,"&)()"-$.(*!"#"$%&''($%&)*$+,*--'

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Attention: CSF, Dolphin Pride & NHS Members

BREAKING NEWS

CENTERSPREAD

THE PAPER’s

Zombie Guide

Serve up somealtruism,

2

You’re scared out of your mind. We get it. Like a good neighbor, THE PAPER is there.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Stayin’ alive, 12-13

SPECIAL FEATURE

A Zombie Surprise

in Disguise

Beware the English hall,

24

Too lazy to bake cookies for hours? Try slaying a few zombies instead!

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Zombies invaded on March 31.

The invasion was caused by the result of an unfamiliar epidemic—caused by the abuse of the bathrooms. The many ear-nest attempts by the jani-torial staff to keep the re-strooms clean have proved futile.

The ooze that regu-

become a toxic sludge, and a noxious stench now per-meates the air. The mutated bacteria in the bathroom in-fect all who enter and turn them into zombies.

The multitude of misspelled insults and ca-pricious pledges of love that are scrawled all over the stalls, however, have re-mained untouched. For the

unfortunate students who have been left to mutate into zom-

their own doing, at least there is reading material.

Those infected suffer from insatiable hunger for brains, incapability of speech and skin discoloration and de-cay.

These zombies run ram-pant throughout the hallways, attempting to eat uninfected students on their way to class. But the proctors have shown no mercy.

“Get to class! You have three minutes! You have two minutes! Get to class!” they have continued to shout over the loudening groans of the

shrieks of their victims. They have herded teams of zombies and ride them through the hall-

ways, harnessing their insatia-ble hunger to enforce the tardy and truancy policies.

By accident, students in Gilbert’s AP Literature class have discovered the only method of zombie exter-mination. On a whim, senior Geoff Kaufman, who had been nonchalantly snacking on marshmallows, threw one at a zombie. Upon contact with

-ceeded to disintegrate.

“The zombie was my former best friend—but what could I do? It was survival of

Students have begun to carry a supply of marshmal-lows and marshmallow guns. The formerly perpetually dry

now pumps a viscous yet con-

crème and serves as a reserve for students to reload their weapons.

Navigating the hall-ways during passing periods has been even more stressful

than usual. Proctors, slow-moving freshmen, overly affectionate couples and di-rectionally challenged school-mates are no longer the only obstacles that they must face.

But in times of despera-tion, the individual’s capacity for resourcefulness emerges. Freshmen have proven useful in the wake of the chaos as lightweight shields.

Teachers have largely shown little sympathy for their students’ plights. Students are still being held accountable for assignments and punctuality.

Math teacher Marc De-gen said, “Students have tried to avoid turning in assign-ments with excuses like ‘zom-bies ate my homework.’

“This is ridiculous. Nothing should ever take pre-cedence over The Calculus! You know why those kids be-came zombies? It’s because they weren’t doing math. The Calculus would have stopped them from becoming zombies. Calculus. Calculus. Calculus.

Calculus.”Several teachers

have contracted the virus. [Refer to ‘Gilbert,’ Pg. 24]. To avoid negative repercussions from the district, the administration has been instructed to keep the school open and to maintain a state of normal-cy. Teachers have been or-dered to continue working, regardless of their state as zombie or human.

To avoid losing money from the state due to absences, students have been advised against miss-ing school.

They have also been issued a warning regard-ing fraternization with the zombies: “Not every member of the undead is Edward Cullen. They do not sparkle. Behaving like a damsel in distress will elicit no sympathy from them—they were and still are your former class-mates. Act accordingly.”

GRAB YOUR MARSHMALLOWS: “Not every member of the undead is Edward Cul-len. They do not sparkle. Behaving like a damsel in distress will elicit no sympathy from them. Be prepared, and act accordingly.”

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{

ZOMBIES INVADE DANA HILLS

Too lazy to bake cookies for hours?

Slay zombies instead!

What happens when you combine goat

cheese and a coffee addiction? Zombies.

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BUY ONE, GET NONEFREE

For Dana Hills High School zombies only…If you buy one 80 lb. human, we’ll

Treat you to one 80 lb. human absolutelyNOT FREE!

LOCATED IN OCEAN RANCH VILLAGE IIPresent coupon when ordering. One coupon per zombie. Not

validwith any other offer. Actually, not valid at all.Toppings not included. Expires 12/21/2012

By Natalie BenrubiOpinion Editor

Zombie Slaying Rewarded

TRUE ALTRUISM: photo by Bryan Borenstein

By Jake Rosen

Warning: Senior Lot May Cause Facial Hair

Attention, students (zombie enthusiasts in particu-lar)! Due to the severe reper-cussions brought about by the recent onslaught of the undead, ASU recently decided to offer volunteer service hours for the extermination of zombies.

Since clubs acknowl-edge the urgency of extermi-nating zombies, every club on campus has chosen to accept zombie-slaying as school, community and even recycling credit.

This offer is open to all students, but double hours will be given to any individual with possession of a killer back-swing and/or utter ruth-lessness.

Students with an in-

clination to hit everything in sight should utilize this oppor-tunity to help the school. They may also want to seek profes-sional psychiatric help.

In addition, skilled “Call of Duty” masters are presented with the chance to prove that hours of game play are not entirely worthless.

Liabilities include, but are not limited to, the follow-ing: death (due to the fact that “Black Ops” is not akin to true zombie slaying), severe bite wounds, forceful ejection out of windows located in the math wing or even theft of per-sonal belongings.

Entitled “The Rules and Regulations for Ravaging the Ravenous,” print-outs inform-ing students of all they need to know before going out to con-quer the undead are available

will be lent out at the guid-

a “No Inhibitions” sticker on

All interested students should note that elimination of zombie pets will only count for half an hour of service. And no, students who have fallen asleep during a not-so-enthralling lecture do not clas-sify as the “undead,” tempting as that may seem.

“In the event of a zom-bie apocalypse, I would apply my ‘Plants vs. Zombies’ skills, starting at Armstrong’s Gar-dens, to acquire some seeds. With lily pad and ‘magnet shroom’ in hand, those zom-bies are mine,” proclaimed sophomore Bailey Montano, “Plants vs. Zombies” extraor-dinaire.

Several schools nation-wide have conducted studies analyzing the effect of zom-bie-slaying on a student’s col-lege application.

The data shows that

students who partook in such meaningful civil service have excelled in life and beyond. If you have your doubts, go watch “Zombieland.”

successful people include the likes of Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, who eliminated masses of zombies alongside Woody Harrelson.

Physical education teachers have even agreed to offer 50 points extra credit for each zombie taken down on campus and will accept four zombie eliminations as credit for running the mile.

You could receive honor and recognition from your peers and teachers and possibly go on to establish a worldwide social networking site, all while you are complet-ing hours for notable campus organizations such as CSF or NHS. Come on, there’s no time like the present.

An anonymous senior grew a moustache while wait-ing to exit the senior lot after lunch on Tuesday, March 29. The wait to get out of the park-ing lot was so unbelievably long that it was quite effortless for him to grow a respectable ’stache before heading home.

“It was so easy,” stated the senior. “All I had to do was sit in my car and not shave. It makes me look manly yet

bear, then enjoy a nice jar of caviar or bench a motorcycle, then read the latest issue of Gentleman’s Quaterly.”

He continued, “I usual-ly remember to bring my gear for the long wait in line, but I forgot it today. I thought I was going to freeze when it got dark, but my thick upper lip hair blanket kept me warm.”

Upon reaching the end of the line after waiting for

nine days, the student was turned around for not having his ID card.

The proctor, who sees -

riod twice a week, made him turn around and print out

where he encountered a wait so insurmountably long it took him another four days to return to the parking lot.

The student, who wait-ed for a total of 17 days before he was freed from the Dana

job for missing work and for having an unprecedentedly dirty ’stache.

His boss stated, “I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so stupid to try and cut in line in an attempt to get through faster. Any moron can understand that cutting in line

What astounded him even more was that an ado-lescent would go that long without shaving and expect to retain normal human interac-tions.

The student comment-

moustache wax model or con-struction worker. I am a little bummed that my girlfriend broke up with me for missing a date, but this Burt Reynolds incarnate will get me plenty more classy broads.”

In fact, a group of fe-male students crowded around the student during this inter-view, and one commented, “That collection of short hairs above his upper lip is absolute-

While it usually takes a couple days to leave campus, this student’s particularly long wait can in part be attributed to the sale on Suburbans and Hummers that apparently took place the day before.

It is also rumored that every parent who comes to pick up his/her child at school had decided to use the senior lot for the month of March.

“Next time I’ll park closer to the gate, so I can leave within the normal three-day wait,” he concluded opti-mistically.

But seriously... All stories, pictures, ads and other content on pages one, two, twenty-three and twenty-four are a part of THE PAPER’s satirical special edition and are meant to be pub-lished as an April Fools’ spoof. THE PAPER’s articles contained within such pages

is a pure coincidence. Any other use of real names (without permission) is unintentional. Comments and editorial opin-ions expressed in THE PAPER are those of the staff and do not represent the position of Dana Hills High School, its administration, student government or the Capistrano Uni-

by THE PAPER. All contributors are responsible for the content of their own material in respect to (but not limited to) copy-right, libel and defamation.

***THE PAPER would like to recognize and thank Bran-don Truman, Ali Russell, Sarah Shimizu, Diana Parker and

Are you in need of an ex-pert costume maker? A group of hilarious teachers with seri-ous dance moves? Sugar, spice and some Vanilla Ice?!

Look no further than your hip, vivacious, lively, young, just-a-day-past-20 and not at all middle-aged teachers.

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America’s NextTop Model

FEATURE

OPINION

Enough With Product Hype

Strut your stuff,

8

Five dolla’ foot-longs may be delicious,

but a TV show really shouldn’t make it the

focal point.

‘Chuck’ it out,15

ENTERTAINMENT

Florence’s Lungs Proves Breathtaking Edgy percussion.Haunting vocals.

Artful and positively phenomenal.

Take a deep breath,18

Senior Morgan Chelf has modeled for

high-fashion design-ers in locations all

over the world.

!"#$%&%'()"(**+&'By Lexi CotcampEditor-in-Chief

At the end of the 2009-2010 season, the future re-mained unclear for the girls’ team. Without the strength of the graduated seniors that the

against competitors? Would the new, and arguably tough-er, South Coast League reign in the Dolphins’ consecutive years of dominance?

Trabuco Hills (Dual)

The results of the meet

with the crisp clarity of the starter’s gun: regardless of the win-loss sheet, the Dolphins

title of league champions. On Thursday, March

31, both teams competed against Trabuco Hills. Though the girls fell to the Mustangs, the margin of loss was minor, with an ending score of 62-74. The boys, on the other hand, were victorious, beating Tra-buco by 18 points, 77-59.

For the girls, senior Katie Dibene, sophomore Holly Irwin, junior Kather-ine Narcisso and senior Kelly McCormick swept the shot-put; Dibene led with a throw of 28’11. McCormick also achieved a personal best of 11’0 in the pole vault.

Meanwhile, contribut-ing to the boys’ team’s win,

time of 1:58 in the 800m, securing third place. Junior Keith Messenger was recog-nized at the end of the meet for his PR’s in both the 110m hurdles and the pole vault (14’0) as well.

Laguna Hills Invitational

After a loss to Mission Viejo, the Dolphins regrouped for the Laguna Hills Invita-tional on March 27; both the

place in the meet for the sec-ond year in a row.

While several athletes performed well and claimed a spot in the top three for their respective events, four hur-dlers were particularly key to the girls’ overall dynamic.

Seniors Annie Bu-binski, junior Tori Usgaard, sophomore Ami Ballo and senior Megan Jones swept the number 1 through 4 spots in the 100m varsity hurdles, with each time falling well under 17 seconds. Addition-ally, sophomore Brenna Bark-er’s mark of 34’6 in the triple jump put her in eighth on the school’s all-time record list.

On the boys’ side, senior Trevor Lynn gave a notable performance in the

1600m, coming in at 4:28; meanwhile, senior Devin Har-rison posted a time of 10.77 in the 100m, the current leading time in the county.

Mission Viejo

Despite the girls’ im-pressive showing in the initial invitational meets, the team fell to the Mission Viejo Dia-blos on Thursday, March 24, ending with a score of 63-73.

While the team strug-gled to consistently score points in each clutch event, several solo marks and times indicated strong individual showings in the meet.

Usgaard collected -

ond place for her exemplary showing in the 100m hurdles (15.7), high jump (5-0) and long jump (16’11.5).

Said Usgaard, “I was really nervous going into the Mission meet because I had never really competed in a full hurdles race before that.”

Meanwhile, the boys were victorious over Mission Viejo, beating the Diablo boys

was 75-61.Head Coach Craig

Dunn commented, “This was

has ever lost four years in a row. It’s an exciting start to the season in which we are hoping to repeat as South Coast League (SCL) and OC Champions.”

Irvine Invitational

Held on Saturday, March 12, the invitational was

girls’ and boys’ teams, both

overall in the meet. Sophomore Taylor

Eljenholm was named Athlete of the Meet for her long jump mark of 17’8.5 and triple jump mark of 34’11, placing her second and sixth, respec-tively, on the all-time record list. Senior Carissa Bricker also gave a respectable per-formance in the 400m, clock-ing in at 58.71.

“I wasn’t expecting to jump so far so early in the season, but I was really ex-cited; I’m honored to be on the all-time list,” commented Eljenholm.

For the boys, Harrison again dominated the compe-

in the 400m for his time of 47.94. Harrison’s mark was named the leading time in California.

“I’ve been training since September, so it was really cool to put out a good time early in the season,” said Harrison. “I tripped out of the

just pulled through,” he joked.

MULTI-TASKING: (clockwise) Senior Devin Harrison holds his form during the -

photos courtesy of Steve Brouwer and Dave Ross

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BUY ONE, GET ONEFREE

For Dana Hills High School students only…If you buy one 8 oz. sized yogurt, we’ll

Treat you to one 8 oz. sized yogurt absolutelyFREE!

LOCATED IN OCEAN RANCH VILLAGE IIPresent coupon when ordering. One coupon per person. Not good

with any other offer. Toppings not included. Expires 4/6/11

BOARD OF TRUSTEESJack R. Brick, President

Gary Pritchard, Vice PresidentJohn Alpay, ClerkEllen Addonizio

Anna Bryson Lynn HattonSue Palazzo

Joseph Farley, Superintendent

RECOGNITION OF TRUSTEES, SUPERINTENDENT

AND CONTRIBUTORS:

By Stephanie ChengNews Section Editor

Senate Announces $80 Classroom Rule

By Serene JneidNews Editor

Lin Addresses Senate

ASU President Jeremy Lin delivered his second semester State of the School Address to a full Porthole Theater at the Student Senate meeting during second period tutorial on Wednesday, March 16.

During his speech, Lin reiterated the optimistic views of Student Senate that

of the School. He began by disagreeing with the November staff editorial of THE PAPER regarding student apathy, in which he alleged that he was misquoted.

“THE PAPER...omit[ted] the phrase...‘if you utilize your Senate seats to their full potential.’ I honestly don’t believe [that happened],” he said.

Later in his speech, Lin

were submitted by senators

throughout the semester, attendance never exceeded the low 50s, meaning some 30 classes [student senators] are still not being consistently represented.”

interview that he does not believe the student body as a whole is apathetic. He hopes that, with time, non-active students will begin to participate through the Student Senate.

He said in the interview, “I’m thrilled that already we’re seeing more participation from senators, even since I gave my speech. Our attendance is starting to push 60 at meetings, and the amount of proposals we’ve gotten [this semester] already exceeds how many we got all through last semester.”

In his speech, Lin also mentioned an “ideological divide within ASU,” which he referred to as “no secret.”

When asked about the “ideological divide,” Lin

commented that the division is apparent during the Senate meetings.

During his speech, Lin had said, “Some are more skeptical than others towards the idea of relinquishing power to the Senate. Some are more eager.”

According to Lin, the precedent regarding the Student

future years will be set based on Senate’s performance this semester.

As the year comes to a close, Lin believes that the mindset of the Senate cannot be: “We only have three months left–why bother.”

Lin suggested instead, “Let’s do everything in our power...because we only have three months.”

Once Lin’s speech came to a close, his peers gave him a standing ovation, just as they

also received applause multiple times throughout his speech.The audience included four school board trustees.

The second and third Student Senate meetings of the semester took place on Wednesday, March 16 and Thursday, March 31.

Senators have each been appropriated $80 from the

with the rest of the Senate’s approval, each senator can choose to spend their one-time $80 “chip” on a project of their second period class’s choosing.

Suggestions include new stall locks for the bathrooms, proposed by Junior Caucus Leader Kayla White (Reischl), and new hand dryers, proposed last semester by Senator Jake Rosen (Ritscher). Current Fi-nance Committee Chair Bryce Haney (Sampson) also pro-posed shifting funds from the

account. Senators can also use

their $80 to fund the soccer ball to be used in next year’s pep rally, as ASU has decided that the giant soccer ball cannot be used this year, though two-thirds of senators voted for the purchase of the soccer ball in the informal discussion during the March 16 meeting.

Student Senate Leader Salil Dudani noted that he reg-ularly receives new proposals daily and encouraged senators to continue submitting sugges-tions for new projects.

However, Senate was unable to vote on a previous

the mall at the March 31 meet-ing, as a quorum was unable to be reached.

The Advisory Commit-tee, headed by senior Bren-den Meek (Luciani), has been charged by the Senate to work with the administration to open the campus at lunch chosen as

campus was chosen over low-ering AP test costs. Opening the balcony at lunch, which has been strictly banned in the past, was chosen as the committee’s short-term goal.

Meek split his commit-tee into two, with the short-term and long-term initiatives led by Constitution Committee Chair Katie Halloran (Gilbert) and Activities Committee Chair Sachin Medhekar (Degen), re-spectively. Both groups met with the administration on Monday, March 24.

The administration has expressed doubts about allow-ing eating on the balcony due to fears of an increase in trash but promised to be more gener-ally relaxed with the previously stringent closed-balcony pol-icy. It is also potentially sup-portive of an open campus but fearful of board policy though San Clemente has an open cam-pus system for lunch.

Halloran commented, “Hopefully Senate is repre-

senting the classes…I feel like most of the [active] Senate is made up of seniors. But open campus is great and is some-thing that can be done and is being done hopefully. I think kids care more about it, and it’s more doable.”

Medhekar announced the Activity Committee’s plans to create new school activities and events such as a concert at night and a school-wide game of hide-and-go-seek and en-couraged senators to submit ideas.

Committees and cau-cuses now meet during nearly every tutorial.

At least 57 senators, an unprecedented quorum, of the approximately 85 total senators attended the March 16 meeting.

ASU members dis-cussed the March 16 meeting in a formal meeting, noting the Senate’s oversight of the issue

-

photo by Emma Werderman

UNPRECEDENTED DATA: Teachers administered a 12-question survey on school involvement during tutorial on Wednesday, March 23. The survey asked about respon-dents’ levels of participation in school activities, feeling of connection to school, enjoy-ment of time spent at school, etc. It further asked whether the respondents’ teachers encourage them to participate in school events and whether ASU “provides activities and events that appeal” to them and “does a good job of getting students involved.” ICC President Dilan Shah said the survey, developed by him, Activities Director Ken Nedler and ASU President Jeremy Lin, will “provide a wealth of unprecedented data”

be included in Dana Hills’s Western Association of Schools and Colleges (WASC) ac-creditation report next year. WASC reports are primarily used to ensure the appropri-ate curriculum is being taught; student activities and participation are also evaluated.

Senate Highlights -

-

--

--

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If a student does not pass, he/she will be required to take an English course desig-nated by his/her school.

However, the score re-ceived will not affect the stu-dent’s admission to said uni-versity.

On the test, students will have to write a comprehensive essay in response to a given passage.

In order to pass, students must demonstrate adept writ-ing skills for a beginning-level English class at a UC.

Each essay is graded by two different readers and scored according to a scale. If

-parity greater than two points, the essay is graded by a third reader.

A student must earn a score of eight or higher in order to pass; any score below a six does not qualify as a passing score and will not exempt stu-dents from the beginning-level class.

The essay readers are chosen from the English de-partments, writing programs, Subject A departments and ESL programs of the undergraduate UC schools.

In the event that a stu-dent does not pass the Analyti-cal Writing Placement Exam or satisfy the exempting require-ments, he/she will be required to take a course that focuses on how to analyze texts and com-pose essays that voice opinions effectively and coherently.

All incoming fresh-men attending a University of California (UC) in the fall must

according to Entry Level Re-quirement standards, previous-ly known as Subject A.

A score of 30 or higher on the ACT Combined English/Writing test or a score of 680 or higher on the SAT writing

Entry Level Requirement.A student can also sat-

isfy the criteria by earning at least a three on an English AP

-national Baccalaureate High Level English A exam or at least a six on the International Baccalaureate Standard Level English A exam.

In the event that a stu-dent fails to satisfy any of the aforementioned criteria, he/she may also be exempted from taking the Analytical Writing Placement Exam by receiving a C or higher in an English com-position class.

Students planning to at-tend a UC who did not meet these requirements will be required to take the Analyti-cal Writing Placement Exam, which will be held on May 14.

The scores will be re-leased to the participating stu-dents in the middle of June.

New Standards for UC-BoundBy Serene JneidNews Editor

By Madeline Nall Intern

Dance Takes on NationalsOn the weekend of

March 25, the Dana Hills Dance Team competed in the United Spirit Association Dance/Drill Nationals at the Anaheim Convention Center.

In the Open Class Di-vision, the girls competed against 105 other teams. Their performances in this divi-sion included Small Hip Hop, choreographed by Sally Cho; Small Lyrical, choreographed by Becky Walsh; and Interme-diate, Leaders and Jazz, cho-

reographed by coaches Lindsey Hanscome and Julianne Scoles.

The team’s hip hop routine placed ninth out of 18 teams, and their lyrical routine

Both dances earned trophies. Competing in the Cham-

time in the school’s history, the

themed novelty dance, earning a score of 82.33. The routine consisted of a mix of songs, including “Just Keep Swim-ming” from Disney’s “Finding Nemo.”

“As a team, we could not feel more proud and honored to

two trophies,” said the girls.

STRIKE A POSE: Dance members pose for the camera before their competition at Nationals.

photo courtesy of Courtney Chang

At the USA Region-als held at San Rasquel High School, the 20 girls earned sec-ond place overall in the novelty category with a score of 85.7.

to the Championship Division of Nationals.

Co-captain Courtney Chang said, “We have been working on all seven dances since early November dur-ing fourth period, after school and on weekends. Our last two months were spent all day at competitions such as Wood-bridge and El Dorado.”

Judges looked for the team with the best showman-ship, routine and execution.

-

tions conquered, the team felt

Senior Kelly Cronin said, “What got us to this point is endless hours of practice, motivation from our coaches and teammates and pushing ourselves in all of our dances to become clean and dance as one dancer instead of 20.”

Captain senior Andrea Estay and Chang both per-formed solos choreographed by their coaches in the Solo Champion Division and Super Dancer Division, respectively.

“When you go to Na-tionals, everyone wants it;

are no exception-Nationals was ours this year,” said Estay.

CHAMPIONS: After competing amongst 105 other teams, the Dance Team shows off its success.

photo courtesy of Courtney Chang

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they considered this expen-diture worthwhile, and they overwhelmingly voted against it,” explained Dudani, who is NHS Vice President, Ways and Means.

When interviewed, Medhekar stood by his original proposal but admitted that the logistical issues had made the project “more trouble than it’s worth.”

“When I originally pre-sented to Senate, my main point was that when that path-way gets muddy, it’s an annoy-ing hindrance to student life. And I think our job as student government is to improve stu-dent life wherever we can,” Medhekar said.

He laughed, “I think this whole thing has been a hilari-ous lesson in how bureaucracy works, though.”

The Senate approved the project, then projected at $2,625, only after CSF agreed to donate the money. After the estimate increased to $4,600, the Senate once again approved the project after being told CSF would still provide all funding. When the administration sub-mitted the project, the district rejected it without explanation. When the administration re-submitted it some weeks later, it was approved.

“In the future, every-thing should be deposited to ASU before we start working on a project,” commented Prin-cipal Dr. Robert Nye. “That be-ing said, I do not believe that student-backed projects have lost any credibility.”

News Briefs Last Two Commu-

nity Recycling Events

On Saturday, April 16 and Saturday, May 14,

-nal two community recy-cling events of the year.

Those interested in contributing plastic bottles or aluminum cans should bring such recy-clables to the back park-ing lot near the tennis courts and pool from 9-11 a.m.

-Lexi Cotcamp

High School Senior Day at Saddleback

On Thursday, March 24, Saddleback Community College held its annual Senior Day from 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. in the campus quad.

The college offered a free In-n-Out Burger lunch, the opportunity to meet faculty and staff and campus tours to seniors interested in attending next fall.

- Annie Bubinski

Prom Theme & Info

On Thursday, March 3, the Student Sen-ate recommended “Clas-sic Hollywood” to be the 2011 prom theme.

Of all the recom-mendations, submitted by students, ASU and the Student Senate, four ideas were put up for a vote: prom.com, 1920’s, Classic Hollywood and Disney.

Since Prom is a dance attended mostly by juniors and seniors, only upperclassmen senators were allowed to vote for the theme. After a quick count of raised hands, “Classic Hollywood” was overwhelmingly chosen.

The dance is sched-uled for Friday, June 3.

-Sara Vandegrift

Trio Performs Compilation of Shake-speare Works

Seniors Brandon Truman, Alex Sloan and Brian Albert presented “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare” on Wednesday, March 30 and Thursday, March 31.

-mance will take place tonight in the Porthole. Tickets cost $10 for stu-dents and $12 for adults.

In the performanc-es, the boys portray char-acters and depict scenes from various works by Shakespeare.

-Sara Gold

Pavement Plan Called Off

By Stephanie ChengNews Section Editor

photo by Emma Werderman

OPERA NIGHT LIVES ON: SOCSA presented its seventh annual Opera Night on March 26, 27 and 29. Director Ray Woods and vocal coach Linda Rose Lin-nebach helped students prepare for the event, orga-nizing workshops every Saturday morning. Auditions were open to all Orange County high school students interested in exploring the genre of opera. The pro-gram included vocal coaching from Linnebach as well as master classes taught by famed opera singers from all over the world. Students presented their classical arias and scenes in the Porthole Theater on Saturday, March 26. The Opera Night Gala Concert took place on Sunday, March 27 at the Laguna Cliffs Marriott

person. In addition to the opera peformances, the gala featured a dinner, silent auction and display of artwork created by SOCSA art students. On Tuesday, March 29, Casa Romantica in San Clemente hosted an Opera Night performance.

Plans to pave over the dirt pathway near the girls’ locker room have been called off due to funding issues, Stu-dent Senate Leader Salil Du-dani announced to the Senate yesterday. The construction project, originally sponsored by senior Sachin Medhekar (Degen), had been approved by the Senate twice and the district once, and the presumed fund-ing source was the CSF club.

According to Dudani, administrators approached him

call” on the walkway after he had informed them CSF would no longer cover the $4,600 cost.

“To cover that cost our-selves would have drained our funding for the rest of the se-mester,” Dudani explained.

CSF Adviser Molly Coghill said that earlier in the school year, there was an “inac-curate impression” of the club’s

spent money this year to help the PTSA purchase recycling materials.

Dudani said he had “got-ten wind of CSF’s potential

days before the administration pulled the project.

“I looked up NHS’s

money to spend there. I asked the club’s members whether

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Pura Vida WinsFifth in Vegas

A Tribute to Local Restaurants

The Grad Night committee held its 15th annual Taste of Dana in the Salt Creek Beach parking lot on Thursday, March 24 from 5:30-9:30 p.m. Local restaurants provided specialty dish, drink and dessert samples from their menus.

In addition, local merchants donated items that were auctioned throughout the night, ranging from spa packages to basketball tickets. A Master of Ceremonies and DJ were present to provide

music and entertainment.Proceeds from the event

will go towards Grad Night, an annual event following senior graduation.

Junior Natasha Gunther commented, “The desserts were so good this year compared to previous years. There was a lot more of a variety to choose from, too.”

According to Martha McNicholas, the silent auction supervisor, the event was held outside this year, unlike previous years. This change was made to accommodate the large number of attendees, as there were complaints about overcrowding in the mall during previous years.

DONNA B’S: Bakery showcases an assorted array of col-orful cupcakes at the Taste of Dana.

photos by Amanda White and Quinn Mahony

McNicholas stated, “I was originally against it because of all the expenses, but once you see it all here, it looks like a community event.”

This year, 800 tickets were pre-sold, not including online sales.

Ticket prices were raised from last year. Tickets purchased in advance cost $20, while the price at the door was $25. Prices were increased in order to supply the tents, heating and lighting needed to hold the event outside.

Local merchant Donna B. stated, “I’ve been doing this for 13 years, and I love it outside. There’s more of a variety this year.”

This year’s Taste of Dana also featured more venues than last year’s. Twenty-seven restaurants participated this year as compared to 18 last year. Such restaurants included It’s All About the Cake, Chocolate Discoveries, Buffalo Wild Wings, Spice of New York, Zotovich Cellars and Chronic Tacos.

Food samples ranged from cupcakes, cookies and blended mochas to pizza, beef tacos, chicken and pasta.

“The food was awesome, and I really liked how it was held at the Salt Creek parking lot instead of at the school,” commented sophomore Paige Canterbury.

“We worked very hard, and we were as prepared as we ever would have been. We just hoped that the other teams would be just as prepared as us,” said Rhodes before they left for Vegas.

different awards in Seattle, the team hoped that such success would continued throughout the week during the National competition.

commented Slee. “We won the Loophole Award for creativity and innovation.”

“As we went into the competition, our goal was to do the best we could and to stay positive. We really just wanted to have a great time, and after

did just that” said Rhodes.

We performed very highly and had a great time while doing it.”

The students also expressed that although they enjoyed the week-long break from school, they were ready to return to their normal routines.

“We were ready to start school again, more or less, after the long week off,” commented Anderson.

There will not be another AEM contest for three more years.

“All of the freshmen will be back to compete again during our senior year. So hopefully we will win it all,” commented LaRocca.

The seven-member Dana Hills construction team, “Pura Vida,” traveled to Las Vegas to compete in the national Association of Equipment Manufactures (AEM) competition during the week of March 21-24, placing

The team proceeded to the second round of the H2O Yeah competition, a “Jeopardy” contest with a series of multiple-choice questions and mini challenges.

“We felt that we represented Dana in the best possible way in the competition,” commented freshman Boyce Anderson.

Juniors Ryan Lindeborg and Gillian Slee and freshmen Anderson, Alyssa Huitema, Meg LaRocca, Andrew Lindeborg and Aubrey Rhodes represented Dana Hills.

Out of all the competing schools in California “Pura Vida” was the only team that competed at the AEM.

“We were pretty excited about being the only team from California there; it gave us all a good feeling,” commented Anderson.

The students said they went into the AEM competition, sponsored by VOLVO Construction Equipment.

By Sam O’MelvenyIntern

By Amanda WhiteIntern

SILENT AUCTION: In addition food samples, a silent auction was held at the annual Grad Night fundraiser.

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Random Kid Spotlight:

photos by Emma Werderman

SURVEY: What would you do, or

where would you go in the case of a zombie

invasion?

“Garret Jancich’s biceps. I’d feel safe there any time.”-Sahand Nayebaziz, 12

“I would go to Oprah’s house because she

would totally have the best secuirty.”

-Shireen Ebrahim, 12

“I would assemble all anti-zombie task force members (AZTF). Avoiding main streets and open areas, we would make our way to Chino State Penitentiary and begin seek and destroy mis-sions to eliminate the zombie scourge.”-Bryan Stiver, 12

“The closet that leads to Narnia, obvi.”

-Angeline Pozzi, 9

“Wal-Mart, because they have cross-bows and everything”-Morgan Lietz, 10

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photos courtesy of Google Images (left) and Emma Werderman (right)

NOT SO ORDINARY: 18 year old Morgan Chelf is back at Dana Hills after a year spent modeling internationally.

New School, New Home

Known by her friends as Chi-Chi, junior Chidin-ma Okoroama has trav-

eled across the world with her family from Abia, Nigeria, to Southern California to start a new way of living. Okoroama arrived in February with her brother and two sisters.

Despite the move across the world, this teenager said she has been able to adjust to the unfamiliar school system, food and language quite easily. However, she noted that she does not enjoy American fast food nearly as much as her fam-ily’s traditional Nigerian menu.

While attending school in Nigeria when she was young-er, Okoroama learned to speak English as well as the native Ibo language, making the transition to America easier.

However, Okoroama admits that the colder environ-ment here in California has been a challenging adjustment, compared to the hot and humid climate of Nigeria. In Nigeria, Okoroama enjoyed participat-ing in her church’s choir and played soccer in her free time.

She eagerly noted, “Something that I absolutely want to get involved in here is soccer.”

When asked about what she will miss, she notes her vil-lage holds parties and dances

when royalty or rulers visit the Congo as a cultural tradition. However, despite recent ru-mors, Okoroama is not a Nige-rian Princess.

On these special oc-casions, as well as church gatherings and cultural days in school, Okoroama and her peers would dress in native at-tire, which was a colorful gown or blouse specially made by tailors. Okoroama explained that revealing clothing, such as shorts or mini-skirts, is not as

socially acceptable in Nigeria as it is in America.

Although Okoroama at-tended a private school in Ni-geria, she explained that the public schools in the United States are of similar quality to the highest colleges in her home country.

Okoroama said, “In my previous home, the schools were not as big and equipped as Dana Hills. The public school teachers were often on strike. Here in California, stu-

dents have a variety of choices for their studies and the oppor-tunity for a brighter future.”

Okoroama plans to re-turn to her homeland and hopes to see a change in the Nigerian education system.

She said, “I don’t like the way the children are treated over there. Here the children are the leaders of the future.”

Until then, Okoroama would like to attend college in California and receive the best education possible.

M organ Chelf sits casu-

swivel chair and looks oddly out of place. Naturally stunning in dark jeans, a loose-

her presence is undeniable. “I never wanted to

be a model...it just kind of

foot-ten freckled beauty. Looking at her now,

it’s almost hard to be-lieve she wasn’t born to model. She crosses her mile-long legs and smiles.

In a story that sounds almost too cliché to be real, Chelf explained how she was discovered just a few sum-mers ago while jet-skiing at the beach with her dad.

A photographer ap-proached her and told her she had a great look and should con-sider modeling, offering to do a photoshoot with her for free.

“My grandma was the one who really wanted me to try and pursue it, actually,” said Chelf, who wasn’t extremely in-terested in modeling at the time.

However, she later found herself at an open casting for Ford Models; from there, it was only a short period of time before Chelf was in Los Ange-les for castings and traveling around the world for shoots.

best part of my job. I’ve seen some amazing places,”

she remarked. “Most of the time, I love the people I meet and work with, too. And, of course, the clothes I get to wear are pretty unbelievable. ”

Chelf attended Dana for ninth and tenth grade but spent her junior year in New York, living and work-ing alone for six months.

“It was a great experi-

ence, but it was exhausting. Modeling sounds easy and fun, but it’s a job. It’s long hours and hard days. It’s work.”

She also spent a month working in Australia last winter. Chelf has worked with major names such as Teen Vogue, Ma-rie Claire, Nylon, Forever 21, MAC, Vogue, Alexander Mc-Queen, D&G and Joe’s Jeans.

The days can be rough, and the pressure to look camera-ready at all times is also a burden.

“My agents and man-agers always tell me, ‘you need to work out.’ I am care-ful about what I eat, but I’m not crazy. I’m healthy about it. And my skin. Your skin and your body have to look good. It’s just part of the job.”

Now, Chelf is back at -

mester of her senior year. “I am so happy to be

back!” she exclaimed. When asked how people and circum-stances in her life have changed, Chelf seemed unfazed.

“I don’t know. I don’t notice it. Maybe people treat me a little differently on Facebook, but my friends are still pretty much the same.”

Chelf has big plans for the future. After graduation, she plans on taking a “gap year” and journeying to Asia to work there for a while, possi-bly London and Milan as well.

go to college after though,” Chelf stated, “I don’t know exactly where I’ll end up. I

-tion, maybe at NYU. But I want to be behind the scenes.”

Her eyes sparkled as she laughed, “Actually, I just want to be normal.”

-Shannon McNulty

AROUND THE WORLD: Junior Chidinma Okoroama has comfortably settled in at Dana Hills after moving to California from her home country of Nigeria.

photo by Emily Cullen

Morgan Chelf spent a year modeling for international name brands and -

nior year, and she couldn’t be happier.

By Annie BubinskiApril Fools’ Editor

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By Alysha ShettyIntern

“Figuring” Life Out

FIGURE EIGHT: Junior Ivana Kalika has been skating for nine years and one day hopes to perform at Nationals.

photos courtesy of Ivana Kalika

It’s Sunday afternoon, and

the television when you stop, mesmerized, as profes-

glittery costumes to the rhythm

of a classical song or show tune. You marvel at how ef-

into the air then execute a per-fect landing.

Junior Ivana Kalika un-

“It became my dream to skate on a frozen pond,” she reminisced. Kalika fell in love

age and soon began to practice diligently at Aliso Viejo Ice Palace.

Although training often leaves less time for homework and other activities, Kalika be-lieves she balances her time well. She acknowledges that, even though she occasionally stays up late, any decline in her grades “has more to do with procrastination.”

Having skated for nine years, Kalika hopes to compete in Nationals in Salt Lake City and eventually become a skat-ing coach.

Kalika’s various rou-tines are usually performed to music and sound tracks. They contain axel jumps and foot-work sequences in addition to choreography and “sparkles.”

“I guess you can’t talk

mentioning sparkles,” Kalika commented.

Even with her talent and ambition, Kalika admitted that competitions can be extremely nerve-wracking.

However, throughout her experience, she has battled the anxiety that often accompa-nies competing.

“Almost nothing else scares me anymore,” Kalika said.

Competitions have taught her to relax and keep her emotions under control.

Through all of the falls and hard work, Kalika is able to keep herself motivated by her own personal motto: “I am determined to be the best I can be.”

SPIDEY SENSES: Senior Jack Bushnell isn’t afraid to express his man-love for Spidey.photo by Emma Werderman

True Love for SpideyBy Tyler HartungNews Editor

Senior Jack Bushnell has been itching to be fea-tured in THE PAPER for

as long as he can remember.“I answered every single

poll question, wrote letters to

the surveys handed out. Even when my sports team or band made it into the newspaper, I somehow never made it into an issue,” Bushnell said with just a slight hint of disdain in his voice.

So what is it that makes Bushnell unique, outside of his

burning desire to somehow be featured in THE PAPER? He has a love for anything and everything that has to do with Spiderman.

“Spiderman is just so simple,” Bushnell stated when asked about his infatuation with this web-slinging hero. “It

book that I actually read, so I was more interested in it than other ones.”

When asked what exact-ly about Spiderman fascinates

choosing just one quality of the comic book superhero.

“He’s just the complete package; he’s got it all,” Bush-nell said after a few seconds of careful contemplation. “He’s

strong, quick-witted, noble and just overall heroic.

Bushnell’s fanaticism extends further than the halls of Dana Hills.

“I go to Barnes and No-ble to buy the Spiderman Col-lection Marvel Masterworks so often that the employees there recognize me and know exactly what I’m looking for,” Bushnell said with a smile. “I guess you could call me a regu-lar there.”

Bushnell is about half-way through completing his goal of obtaining all 12 vol-umes of the Masterworks.

“Once I get all of them,” Bushnell said, “I’ll be one step closer to being the ultimate Spiderman master.”

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By Sam LeporeEntertainment Section Editor

photo by Emma Werderman

A Spontaneous Show

A passerby in the SOCSA hallway might won-der what happens three

times a week during lunch in room 305; junior Emily Horton quips a simple answer: “We be ’provin’ it.”

Comprised of 10 mem-bers and senior Tyler Hartung, the team’s host, the Dana Hills Improv Team abandons reality every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

To say the least, the team has a history. While the year of

the Improv Team’s inception is uncertain, co-director Alex Sloan said that, according to the Improv Bible (started in 2002), the team could be traced back to a mysterious Dana alumna–Autumn Herzer.

Nowadays, the team fo-cuses on the possibilities. Prac-tices begin with warm-ups such as “Vroom” and “Symphony” and transition to game favor-ites, including “One Billion Rooms,” “World’s Worst” and “Whose Line.”

If all else fails in an im-prov game, the team has one fallback: “Edgar.” Created by senior Michael Paul, “Edgar” is a crazy character, suppos-edly Paul’s alter ego, who is

affected by toxic waste. Sloan asserted, “When in doubt, go to ‘Edgar.’”

Other memorable char-acters from practices include “Sarah Shovelhands” (the name is self-explanatory) and a slightly creepy “Professor Mc-Clean.”

Regardless of the ac-tion, the Dolphins are “always down to clown around,” said co-director Geoff Kaufman. The members’ quick wit and dependable teamwork are what

Junior Jed Bradshaw said, “It makes you feel good to be around these people that support you and embrace your creativity.”

Poking fun at a fellow member, Sloan commented on teammate Horton’s “puns, which we all hate.” Horton re-ported with a smile, “The team just doesn’t like all the pun-demonium I cause, and they pun-ish me.”

The team recently held its annual main show in the Porthole on March 25 with an Air Guitar-mocking theme, “Improv: The Finale.” How-ever, after an audience vote in the mock Student Senate meet-ing, the theme was changed to “Improv: Charlie Sheen.”

In previous years, the Improv Team hosted only one or two shows annually; however, Kaufman expressed the team’s desire to provide monthly shows in the “smaller setting of the dance room.” The Improv Team has already pro-duced three shows this year.

CLOWNING AROUND: The Improv members perform a skit at their March 25 show, titled “Improv: The Finale.”

PASSION FOR FASHION: Marlowe transforms dull clothing into trendy apparel that anyone can wear.

Thriftiness at its Best

By Gillian SleeSports Section Editor

photo by Emily Cullen

Wred hair and a spir-ited, outspoken per-

sonality, junior Dominic Mar-lowe makes it clear that he’s not your average 16 year old.

Marlowe sets him-self apart through his love of art, including fashion and design. Last year, several of his designs, including jackets and pants, were featured in a SOCSA art exhibit.

For the past few months, Marlowe has been working with junior Rebecca Gnasso on an art case that will feature grungy street wear.

“The look was inspired by our current economy,” Mar-lowe explained. Thriftiness, therefore, is key in the exhibit, and Marlowe will be conserv-ing materials by taking apart already-made clothes and con-verting them into shorts and T-shirts.

The T-shirts feature iron-on and stencil graphics done by Gnasso. Before and af-ter photographs will display the transformations.

“I wanted to show peo-ple that you can transform any-thing plain and ordinary into something that’s different and high-quality,” said Marlowe.

interested in fashion design as a means of expressing his cre-ativity.

“I started by reconstruct-

ing my T-shirts and adding studs and stuff to my shoes and clothes,” said Marlowe. “Then one day, I decided that I wanted to learn how to sew, so between teaching myself and my mom showing me, I learned.”

In his spare time, Mar-

photographs, often combining the two in his work.

“I love art because I can use it as a way to promote how I feel about events going on in my own life and on a world-wide scale.”

Marlowe likes to ex-press his views on a number of issues besides the economy. He is extremely interested in promoting awareness of the lack of education and means of creative expression for children in third-world countries.

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By Lexi CotcampEditor-in-Chief

photo courtesy of Allison Leibold

Landmark Season Deserves Double Take

NUMBER ONE: The girls’ waterpolo team smiles big after one of the most successful seasons in Dana Hills history.

photo courtesy of Allison Leibold

They had won the league championships for the

-tory, yet I had barely ever heard of them. Who was on the girls’ water polo team? What did playing entail? I was clueless.

Pondering this, I strolled down the hall to meet the team, expecting a group of 12 serious athletes ready to talk strictly about business. What I found, however, was a talented bunch of jolly, easy-going girls who showed me that water polo goes far beyond cut-and-dry

technique and strategy.I learned that treading

in nine feet of water for hours was a beyond-daunting task. I discovered that you (probably much like me) knew nothing of them or their craft. I realized they were a true Cinderella team and that it was about time we stopped being clueless.

Q: What was your season like this year?

A: It was seriously spectacu-lar. We dominated League

and made it to CIF Finals, which is the farthest we’ve ever been. We also broke a ton of records this year; it seemed like we broke a record with ev-ery winning game. Most peo-ple didn’t realize how well we were doing!

Q: This last season was, ar-guably, the best showing

by the water polo team in Da-na’s history. How was this year different from past years?

A: There was so much tal-ent both individually and

collectively. As a whole, the dynamics were so much better compared to other seasons. Ac-tually, it was probably the best collaboration we’ve ever had. While we trained harder than every other year, we were ac-tually excited to go to practice.

Q: [Math teacher and boys’ water polo coach] Matt

Rosa only began coaching girls’ water polo this year. How did that affect the team?

A: Our [former] coach left two weeks before the sea-

son began, so Rosa, the boys’ coach, took over and really stepped up for us. Whether he liked it or not, he fell in love with us!

Q: Will Rosa be back next year?

A: No, but he will still be the boys’ coach. We really ap-

preciate the time he put into this season and the way he helped us, but we understand that he’s too busy to do everything right now. Also, we really enjoyed having Rosa as our coach, and it will be hard for anyone who

Q -cult part about this season?

A: We lost in the CIF Semi-

Besides that, Rosa’s “dry-land” practices were crazy. He has a seriously distorted perception of running and thinks that run-ning 20 miles is normal. We’re water polo, Rosa—water!

Q: I’ll make a mental note to remind him of that. Mean-

while, tell me a little bit about how your team dynamic out-side of the pool translates to the actual games.

A: This is by far the clos-est we have ever been.

There is no one person who is “above” the rest. Because of this, we have never really fallen apart in a practice or game.

Q: In terms of high school sports, water polo is gener-

ally less publicized than “main-stream” sports like football. How does this affect the team?

A: People don’t realize how

they think that it’s like soccer or volleyball, but in water polo,

even when there’s “down time” in practice, we’re still treading in nine feet of water.

Like some other school sports, we don’t get a ton of recognition or people at our games. Even this year, after we

ever and made it to CIF, we didn’t get that much attention. When people do come, it’s re-ally exciting—like Christmas! Okay, maybe not. But regard-less, we appreciate the support.

Q: What was the best memo-ry from this season?

A: The Mission game went

quarter of that game was pretty much the best quarter of our life as a team. Outside of the pool, we also had some interesting

experiences, particularly in San Diego, where we “welcomed” the freshmen to the team and watched Rosa embarrass him-self way too many times.

Q: With seniors graduating this year and a coaching

change in the works, how are you feeling about the end of this season? Any thoughts on next season?

A: It’s such a bittersweet ending. We’ve really start-

ed a tradition for the team, so we’re hoping things will con-tinue to go well. It’s sad to lose the seniors and Rosa, but we have high hopes for the future of the team. Obviously, we will have to work really hard, but hey, we’re one big, happy fam-ily—anything is possible!

WINNING: Junior Emily Carlson battles for the ball.

It is so often that we push ourselves to believe that we must be the best; that we must achieve noth-ing less than perfection; and, no thanks to Charlie Sheen, that we must always be “winners.”

We, of course, entertain such ideas until we en--

less barrage of pre-spring break homework and tests, Culture Faire preparations and, for seniors, the ever-

each sub-par test score weighs heavily on our grades and minds. Suddenly, that unsavory college rejection letter somehow spells the end of the world, despite the fact that it’s not yet 2012. Suddenly, everything, including our sanity and self-esteem, seems to be thrown into disarray.

And then, not so suddenly, we begin to realize the truth.

We are not perfect. We have made and will con-tinue to make mistakes, and thus, we must remem-ber that the events of this past week, though trying, do not indicate that we are lesser people or that we should allow ourselves to be measured by either suc-cess or failure. These events remind us that youth is,

learn that we are not infallible.It is not easy to come to terms with the trials

we face or to strike a balance between honesty and ambition, and you know what? That’s okay. We’re Dolphins, and we’re going places in this world—re-gardless of the verdict dictated by a SAT score, a test, a college admissions committee or even ourselves.

Because that is what truly makes us winners.

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Website: www.dhhspaper.com

Editor-in-Chief Lexi CotcampSection Editors Gillian Slee

Stephanie ChengSam Lepore

Taylor SteinbeckMarilyn La Jeunesse

News Editors Jake RosenTyler Hartung

Alfonso OrdazAlysha Shetty

Serene JneidFeature Editors Shannon McNulty

Emma WerdermanSam O’Melveny

Madeline NallLauren Black

Centerspread Editor Kailey CoxOpinion Editors Gina Sott

Olivia O’BrienEntertainment Editors Taylor Steinbeck

Savannah TateMadeline DiamondElizabeth Summers

Emily CullenAmanda White

Sports Editors Claudia Varney Sara Vandegrift Jimmy FallonCopy Editors Salil Dudani

Sara GoldAdvertising Sales Gillian SleeFinance Manager Stephanie ChengSubscriptions Tyler Hartung

Jake Rosen Computer Technician Max WolotskyWebsite Manager Devin ValencianoAdviser Tim SampsonWriters: Natalie Benrubi, Lauren Black, Annie Bubinski, Stepha-nie Cheng, Lexi Cotcamp, Madeline Diamond, Salil Dudani, Jim-my Fallon, Sara Gold, Tyler Hartung, Serene Jneid, Marilyn La Jeunesse, Sam Lepore, Shannon McNulty, Olivia O’Brien, Alfon-so Ordaz, Jake Rosen, Gina Scott, Gillian Slee, Taylor Steinbeck, Savannah Tate, Sara Vandegrift, Claudia VarneyInterns: Amanda White, Madeline Nall, Sam O’Melveny, Alysha Shetty, Elizabeth Summers Lifesavers: Paige Prescott, Justin Scott, Pattie SextonPhotographers: Bryan Borenstein, Emily Cullen, Quinn Mahony, Savannah Tate, Emma Werderman, Amanda White

The Paper is published tri-weekly throughout the year by Dana Hills High School newspaper students. Com-ments and editorial opinions expressed in The Paper are those of the staff and do not represent the position of Dana Hills High School, its administration, student government

endorsed by The Paper.

!"#$%#"&'#()$*$(*#(+#!%&'(")*'+!"&,"---A Poor Indicator of Smarts

By Salil DudaniCopy Editor

By Taylor SteinbeckEntertainment Editor

The Pledge: Only Ritualistic?By Stephanie ChengNews Section Editor

“Put your right hand over your heart.” So chanted the elementary school student who led us in the

“Ready?” So we rose as middle school students and mumbled the familiar words along with the morn-ing announcements that were broadcast by the video production class.

“Begin.” So we now repetitively recite each day at the start of tutorial, whether or not we can hear the

It’s a recurring theme, somewhat questionable as themes go, but consistent, unfaltering—a constant.

The Pledge of Allegiance promises a sort of solidarity and continuity. Objections have been made about the Pledge’s declaration that we are a nation “un-der God,” contradicting the precept of a country that does not indoctrinate citizens with religious notions. Critics claim that the Pledge inoculates impression-able children with a heady sense of patriotism before

does—to an extent.There are worse ideas that children are exposed

media does little to prevent and, in fact, often perpetu-ates the spread of potentially offensive and inappropri-ate material to children.

But for me, the ultimate, outstanding message was never the racism or over-generalized prejudices. When I watched “Peter Pan,” I didn’t see the gross

now recognize but rather the magic and promise of the words “never grow up” and the fantastic world of Nev-erland. We inadvertently expose children to less than ideal morals on a regular basis for the sake of teaching

We regularly make choices despite the possible harmful consequences simply because the positive outweighs the negative. In evaluating the consequenc-es of teaching children the Pledge of Allegiance, we weigh the necessity of healthy political skepticism against the necessity of understanding historically American values.

“Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” So we say—not chant or proclaim or declare—and sit back down.

For the six decades between the adoption of the Pledge of Allegiance and desegregation, young, impres-

sionable white schoolchildren—surrounded by other young, impressionable white schoolchildren—were taught day after day that the United States of America is a country where there is “liberty and justice for all.”

The blacks next door were taught the same con-cept.

This message was repeatedly reinforced by a me-dium far more powerful than any textbook ever could be. Students’ teachers and, perhaps more importantly, their peers would start every school day by robotically chanting the Pledge in unison, just as unquestioningly as young American children do today. After all, you cannot question something you hardly even under-stand.

The effect of exposing young children to the Pledge of Allegiance throughout their formative years is to instill a blind pride in their government, a pride that does not require critical thinking for the simple reason that it is internalized before their critical think-ing skills have been developed. But should support for the United States be subject to critical thinking?

In my opinion, it depends which “United States” is being referred to: “United States” in the sense of the land and its people, or “United States” in the sense of the U.S. government. There is no doubt in my mind which United States we are pledging to every morn-ing. A “republic” is a political entity, and in today’s world, “liberty” and “justice” are political concepts.

Some would argue that the Pledge should be un-derstood as a poetic expression of what we are striving to achieve. In fact, I like this interpretation.

However, nothing in the grammar of the Pledge clearly indicates that it is anything but a statement of fact, and a child cannot be expected to contemplate the degree of literalism in the words.

In 1942, Congress amended the Flag Code, re-placing the sustained military salute that had been tra-dition for decades with the hand-over-heart that we do today because of the former salute’s Nazi resemblance.

Perhaps the more appropriate response to seeing the resemblance to Nazism would have been to scrap the pro-government chant in government-run schools altogether.

Tests are terrifying. It’s as simple as that. Whether you studied intensely

two weeks of notes into your brain during lunch, noth-

make or break a student. Some people thrive under pressure. Others, not so much.

Why have things come to the point where tests ultimately determine the grade earned in a class? Not

his/her effort put into that particular class?Students who sleep through a teacher’s lectures

World War II can receive an A in a class because they are good test takers. Is it fair for students who listen at-tentively and study their notes to receive a lower grade because they are not as skilled at taking tests?

Now, more than ever, tests are determining our futures. Universities already scrutinize our SAT and ACT scores to the extent of absurdity. It’s as if we have all become faceless numbers, labeled shamelessly by our test scores. Not an 1800? Forget about you. No 27? Worthless.

Of course, these scores aren’t realistic for all stu-

dents, and college admissions do look for more in a well-rounded student than test results. However, the

to react in a do-or-die manner.Since Dana Hills is the home of myriad competi-

-demically compare oneself to another student. This is especially relevant, considering that the number of students applying for colleges is rapidly increasing, while the admissions rates remain the same. This forc-es school admissions to become more selective than ever before.

Testing is necessary; this cannot be denied. It evaluates a student’s ability to retain knowledge gained in the classroom and creates a standard that can show

However, by no means should a test grade make stu-dents feel inferior if they put forth a concerted effort in that class.

Classwork and homework should make up the majority of a student’s grade. Testing should merely be an assessment of a student’s ability to focus, learn and apply his/her acquired knowledge.

No person should have to feel punished by a -

tence. We all learn through different methods, so

wouldn’t it only make sense for us to be assessed by different methods as well?

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Letters to the EditorArt Credit: Not Good Enough

Is Advertising Going Too Far?By Gina ScottApril Fools’ Editor

Re: “AP Classes: Waste of Paper”

It’s not easy being green. As a teacher and servant of civilization, I must say I care a great deal about the environ-ment and do not wish to

However, I am also a big fan of scholarship and know that my AP students are as well. I’m sure they understand that college courses require more than textbooks.

They realize that if I wasn’t providing them with handouts, they would have to person-ally buy several other books for the class (now illegal), as they will have to do in college. College textbooks cost hundreds of dollars each semester.

Even my brightest AP students know that they don’t have photo-graphic memories and will not retain informa-tion from a transparency, nor do they like to spend class time copying infor-mation from the screen.

These excellent students realize that if they do not complete their packets, they will 1) lose points 2) be un-prepared for chapter tests and 3) have to admit to their AP peers that they did not pass the AP test.

Your AP teachers take serious time and ef-fort to pull together your resources, knowing what they mean to your stud-ies. Forego your paper bag at the store but eager-ly claim your AP packets!

-Mary Anne Fenstermaker, AP Euro teacher

A Break That Is Actually a Break

Congratulations on another great newspaper.

However, that be-ing said…

Last issue, you wrote a very good article, supported by survey col-lected data, on the preva-lence of cheating at Dana Hills. Great topic, great article.

Then you blew it.In the opinion

section you stated that “cheating… does not indicate a moral failing on the part of the stu-dent body. It indicates a moral failing on the part of the results-obsessed academic system.”

Here’s a novel idea. Own you actions. You choose to cheat then you claim that it isn’t your fault? Yes it is.

Your moral charac-ter is revealed every time you cheat.

Unfortunately, the saddest part is that you

-ers. It must be “the sys-tem.” “Poor me, grades are so important I have to cheat.”

What a shame that students cheat, but more importantly, how reveal-ing it is that they don’t

- Jake Schwartzberg,

Math teacher

By Marilyn La JeunesseFeature Section Editor

By Madeline DiamondEntertainment Editor

Precautions Needed at Home

Product placement, in which compa-nies pay to have their products inte-grated into media, is not a new inven-

tion. One of the earliest and most classic examples is

Think about it. Bond drives an Aston Mar-tin, and he prefers his Smirnoff vodka to be “shaken, not stirred.” Is it mere coincidence that these product names are mentioned? I think not.

There have even been instances of “reverse” product placement. The Bubba Gump Shrimp Com-pany of the famed “Forrest Gump” is now a successful sea food chain in reality. The eccentrically delicious Wonka Candy brand of “Willy Wonka and the Choco-late Factory” is now a widely popular candy company whose products are available at any convenience or grocery store.

Product placement is indeed inevitable. But over the years, its prevalence has grown to a point of ob-noxiousness.

Have you ever noticed the insane number of products that are featured in television shows? Over the course of its 11 seasons, “The Biggest Loser” has had a total of 6,804 instances of product placement. Pure insanity. The show has shamelessly promoted

semester and six in the second semes-ter. I have a jam-packed schedule with

a sport, a foreign language and another academic elec-tive, as do many other motivated students who plan to attend a four-year college. This leaves little room for

Please don’t mistake me — I understand and re-

who enroll in numerous and non-required electives in order to appeal to colleges do not have enough room in their schedules to take this required art class, which makes a student’s life unnecessarily hectic.

As part of the A-G requirements, UC schools require at least one year-long course of a visual or performing art, though a foreign language can replace these credits for CUSD graduation.

Though schools such as Harvard and Princeton

both schools strongly suggest taking these types of classes. Due to an impacted schedule, we students

Regardless of whether you plan on having an ar-

Hour Fitness to Low-Fat Yoplait Yogurt. “American Idol” blatantly advertises Coke, with

the judges sipping beverages from bright red “Coca-Cola” cups and mentioning the product whenever the opportunity arises.

“The Apprentice,” “Survivor,” “Extreme Make-over: Home Edition,” “America’s Next Top Model” and “Hell’s Kitchen” are just a few other reality shows that purposely feature products in their programming.

Showing someone using an iPhone or eating at Subway I can handle. It’s the in your face “use this” or “go here” that really grinds my gears.

I am often forced to change the channel or walk away from the TV completely when the main charac-ter of a show is driving their car and asks the person in the passenger seat, “Isn’t this Ford Fiesta nifty?” “Yes, it certainly is. I especially love the touch screen navigation.” “And it was so affordable too. I just love my Ford Fiesta.”

I understand and accept the fact that we cannot avoid product placement; it is a method of advertising that has been around for a long time and is not going anywhere. However, its omnipresence has grown tire-some.

If only networks could limit the amount of pain-fully obvious product placement so that no one will have to endure any more mid-show ads that interrupt the usual dialogue just so they can sell a product.

“What are you eating, Bob?” “It’s only the best sandwich I’ve ever had…from Subway.” “Isn’t Sub-way the greatest?” “Indeed.” Make it stop.

The recent catastrophe that rattled Japan not only destroyed millions of homes and killed thousands of people,

but it also led to a partial nuclear meltdown at the Fu-kushima Dai’ichi nuclear plant, which exposed about 190 people to radiation and led to three hydrogen ex-plosions. These issues are an immediate cause for con-cern in Japan; however, Americans should consider the potential consequences on the home front, as America itself is home to 104 nuclear power plants.

There are two nuclear plants operating in Cali-fornia, the closest being the San Onofre Nuclear Gen-erating Plant near San Clemente. With designs nearly half a century old, an ocean for a neighbor and a ma-jor earthquake fault resting beneath it, the San Onofre

plant emanates danger. Although Southern California Edison, the company that operates San Onofre, en-sures that the nuclear plant is able to withstand a 7.0 earthquake and is protected by a 25-foot tsunami bar-rier, these provisions may be inadequate, considering the magnitude of the disaster in Japan. The earthquake in Japan measured a massive 8.9, and the tsunami that ensued was 33 feet. Basically, the power plant in San Onofre would not stand a chance against any earth-quake as severe as the one in Japan, especially not the anticipated “great quake” on the San Andreas Fault. Thus, Southern California and its six million inhabit-ants are undoubtedly in for a major crisis if the “great quake” strikes.

In order to minimize destruction in the face of a natural disaster similar to Japan’s, San Onofre, as well as other nuclear plants across America, should be inspected and restructured to conform to modern standards. This modernization might not prevent a nu-clear meltdown from ever happening, but it will make nuclear plants safer in the event of a natural disaster.

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LETTERS POLICYPlease submit legibly written, signed letters to room 708 during

to dhhspaper@gmail.com. The staff reserves the right to delete or con-dense letters to meet space require-ments or content restrictions. Un-signed letters will not be accepted.

many colleges either require or encourage a diverse class schedule, including art.

So, if you’re like me and have the maximum number of classes in your schedule, where does an art

Though Saddleback seems like a viable solu-

class placement, leaving few options for high school-ers. There is also the inconvenient commute for a class that his/her public education should accommodate in

It seems to me that Dana Hills does not prop-erly enable students who want to take a sport, a for-eign language and another academic elective, such as

-dents who take a much m ore challenging schedule at

will increase the likelihood of acceptance to their col-lege of choice.

-ous students with high aspirations at Dana Hills will be left with their 0-7 schedules and various other ac-

time to take that art class.

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By Olivia O’BrienOpinion Editor

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Entertainment Value: Limited at BestBy Alfonso OrdazNews Editor

By Sara VandegriftSports Editor

Love is in the ‘Eyre’

photo courtesy of Google Images

MIND GAMES:

photo courtesy of Google Images

During my freshman year, I had the pleasure of reading “Jane Eyre,” a clas-sic, Gothic novel by Charlotte Brönte. It is a tale of misery, neglect, pain, redemption, for-giveness and romance-–all sub-jects that, in my opinion, add great depth and beauty to any

You can understand why I would be ecstatic when I found out that another movie based on “Jane Eyre” was com-ing out. Due to the fact that it

-mediately released in all the-aters. I had to trek all the way to Irvine in order to see it a week after the slated release date for select theaters. Nonetheless, I was just

very willing to travel out of my

Drop any presumptions you have about girls in mini-skirts wielding machine guns. “Sucker Punch” is no trashy

Instead, the movie is a classic Greek tale meshed with Gothic visuals, armies of steam-powered assailants and a trigger-happy, “Inception”-esque warped sense of reality, expected of director Larry Fong (“300” and “Watchmen”). The storyline follows Babydoll (Emily Browining)as her life rapidly and violently falls to pieces after the death of her mother. Her resulting mental breakdown leads her to acci-dentally shoot her sister in an attempt to attack her enraged stepfather. Babydoll is subse-quently enrolled into Lennox House, a dysfunctional mental home for girls.

Telling the story of Ed-die Morra (Bradley Cooper), an aspiring writer in a seem-ingly static state of depression and failure, “Limitless” reveals the true potential of logic and reasoning in overcoming life’s obstacles. In a full 180-degree turn of his life, Eddie begins as a hopeless writer and transforms into the perfect version of him-self: rich, charismatic and, of course, “limitless.” Interestingly enough, the source of his success comes from a drug he ingests; Eddie has no idea as to the drug’s in-gredients or effects. Eddie’s ex-brother-in-law, a major drug dealer, adver-tises “NZT” as the solution to

we all need to get ahead in life.

Once there, Babydoll recruits a small group of young women: outspoken Rocket

protective sister, Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), supportive Amber (Jamie Chung) and the resourceful Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens). The team aids Baby-doll in her pursuit of freedom from their captor, Blue (Oscar Isaac). What ensues is an epic adventure into a dance-induced alternate reality in which the girls battle metaphors repre-senting those who keep them captive. If successful, they at-

-sary for their escape. Despite the thigh-highs, heels and often risqué situa-

stimulating the average male’s eyes. The theme of freedom, though not something that would draw you to the movie initially, keeps the story relat-able as Babydoll’s imagina-tion blurs the lines between her mental institution, the romantic

Having already hit rock bottom, Eddie is left with no other choice than to leave fate in the hands of the small, shiny pill he now holds in his hand. Not surprisingly, he takes the drug, which provides him with the superhuman abil-ity of sorting all life’s events and handling them in the ap-propriate manner. This mysterious drug somehow activates the 80-90 percent of the brain we don’t generally use. The introduction itself is clear and succinct, allowing the audience to be easily familiar-ized with the protagonists of the story and understand Ed-die’s current state. However, since the plot is not developed well enough before the storyline begins to take a major shift, things begin to fall apart. Similarly, the prema-ture climax seems to hit too soon, when Eddie realizes the Achilles heel to his perfect

photo courtesy of Google Images

JAGGED LITTLE PILL: Old Hollywood meets New Hollywood with Robert De Niro (“The Godfather II”) and Bradley Cooper (“The Hangover”) acting side by side as busi-

UP FOR INTERPRETATION:“Jane Eyre,” starring Mia Wasikowska, -

escort establishment she imag-ines it as and the bloody dream

Every last person in the theater can relate to Babydoll’s yearn for freedom from her harsh re-ality. If the surprisingly dark theme and scarce clothing will not keep your eyes on the screen, the battle scenes will. Unrealistically well trained “babes” face everything from dragons to Japanese war-riors to hydrolic soldiers in hand-to-hand combat. With explosions and skimpy costumes, “Sucker Punch” can easily be dismissed as another one of “those ac-

males. However, the conclu-sion to this movie proves all these assumptions incorrect. Spoiling the bittersweet surprise ending is out of the question, but “Sucker Punch”

watch. You have the tools to go experience this outstanding

way to see it. When I entered the the-ater, I saw people of all ages, ranging from kids younger than me to elderly couples. This was surprising to me because, as my friend put it, “It’s probably just moms and grannies coming in from the rain to warm both their bodies and hearts.” On the contrary, boys and girls, moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas all came to watch the new inter-pretation of a beloved classic. Unlike the original nov-

res, with a frantic Jane running

Hall in the background. Soon, Eyre arrives at March End, the home of St. John and his sis-ters. From this point on, fre-

the story a suspenseful and anxious air. The audience is taken on a ride with Jane through her ad-ventures, ranging from her ne-glected and abusive childhood

to her mature and ambitious teen years. Mia Wasikowska cap-tures Jane’s personality bril-liantly, as she acts with such composure and grace, with the tenacity and integrity that Jane is known for. Jane is a woman who speaks her mind freely, unlike most women of her time. Wa-sikowska really embraces this trait and fully takes hold of Jane’s heroine persona, includ-ing her bold personality, one which makes people return to the story, year after year. Director Cary Fukunaga created the transitions through-

from an eerie, dark beginning into a bright, picturesque end, much as the novel itself does. He captured even the small, ter-rifying elements of the novel and took them to a new level in

What I liked the most was that Fukunaga stayed true to the book, only taking out a few inessential details, which would please fans of the origi-nal novel. Those who haven’t read “Jane Eyre” would probably enjoy this movie just as much, especially if you enjoyed Joe Wright’s adaptation of “Pride and Prejudice.” Even though the dark undertones of “Jane Eyre” differ from the brighter feel of “Pride and Prejudice,” the mood of the former only adds to its redemptive end re-sult. You also may be con-fused by some of the smaller details, especially because in the book you’re constantly in Jane’s mind, while in the mov-ie, you’re only witnessing from an outside perspective. Nonetheless, the movie is a pleasant experience for people of all ages, and the beautiful chemistry between Jane and Mr. Rochester (Mi-chael Fassbender) would make any hopeless romantic tingle. If you would consider yourself a lover of dark, classic novels, then you won’t regret going to see this adaptation, no matter where it might be found.

plan. Since he does not have an unlimited supply of pills, his streak of god-like perception will eventually end. I felt that, although the movie had high potential for success, there was no satisfying closure, and I left the theater quite disappointed. I soon realized I could

movie was trying to tell me. Perhaps the movie was intended as a satire on today’s rampant drug scene, but the message of the movie could also be that all people have the ability to reach their full potential-–a more inspirational theme, I suppose. In either case, “Limit-less” seems to be no more than a creative idea followed up by a

Despite its title, Neil Burger’s “Limitless” did not reach its full potential. Instead, it left behind a vast array of un-answered questions and unful-

‘Sucker’ Packs a Punch

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‘F.A.M.E.’ Excluded

In 2005, Chris Brown emerged on the music scene as a 16 year old with vocals that had critics labeling him as the next Usher.

In 2007, Brown contin-ued to stun the industry with his hits “Kiss Kiss” and “Wall to Wall.” Brown made the headlines yet again in 2009; however, this time it was for as-saulting his then-girlfriend and fellow entertainer, Rihanna.

After pleading guilty to felony assault, Brown lost nearly all his sponsors, his mu-sic was pulled from radio sta-tions and he was stripped of his reputation as a smooth, gentle-manly R&B singer.

After the release of his album shortly after the Rihanna incident, Brown near-ly dropped off the face of the Earth, while Rihanna’s career took off. After almost two years of standing by while watch-ing his ex-girlfriend establish

San Francisco natives Meric Long and Logan Kroe-ber returned with their third major label LP, No Color, on March 15.

After abandoning their one-time third member, Keaton Snyder, the remaining duo en-listed the help of producer John Askew, who produced their

label album, .No Color -

turns to the celebrated sound of , and it compensated for the disappointingly generic folk-ness that dominated much of 2009’s , the group’s second album.

No Color also showed a certain maturation in the form

of Long’s lyrics, both less shal-low and more sophisticated than ever before, moving away from the usual lovesick droll about every girl that’s ever bro-ken his heart.

The band’s instrumental arrangements are also much more complex, especially in the off-beat “Sleep” and string-heavy “Companions.”

Long’s acoustic picking in “Don’t Stop,” along with Kroeber’s classic bass-less drumming style, reminds one heavily of much as a

of those childhood Christmas mornings.

Perhaps the biggest cause of hype for this album is the addition of The New Por-nographers’s well-respected singer, Neko Case.

Case’s background vocals appeared on multiple

Strokes’s “Angles” Lacks Continuity

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It’s safe to say that it’s been a long wait since the Strokes’s last full-length al-bum. Fans of the New York-

long years after 2006’s for -

22. Because of various de-

lays in the production of this al-bum (including disagreements amongst a variety of producers, numerous scrapped attempts at the album and four out of

-ing other musical endeavors) an enormous amount of hype surrounded . Although the members make no secret of their disagreements in the stu-dio, they also say these are rou-tine arguments that band mem-bers have on a regular basis.

Keeping all of this in

frontman Julian Casablan-

opener, “Machu Picchu,” are: “I’m putting your patience to the test.” From there, the song

herself as a mega-star, Brown suddenly reappeared with his newest creation,

As far away from the 16 year old “Run It” singer as Mars is from Jupiter, Brown unleashed a never-before-seen bad-boy persona. He attempts a different, unfamiliar style in

, almost in an effort to express his newly found gang-ster-ness.

While I applaud his at-tempt to reform himself as an artist, his efforts didn’t quite work. Most of the songs sounded identical, all sharing lackluster lyrics and repetitive harmonies. A few were ridicu-lously sexual, verging on raun-chy and absolutely tasteless. The title of one such song is “Wet the Bed.” Enough said.

Along with the taste-less sex songs and annoying harmonies, the album includes a plethora of musical guests, including Justin Bieber, Ludac-ris, Benny Benassi, Wiz Khal-ifa and Lil Wayner, to name a few.

“Next 2 You,” featur-ing Justin Bieber, is currently the most downloaded song off

photo courtesy of Google Images

SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS: No Color, Visiter

the album. Whether people are buying the song because of their childhood love of Chris Brown or the fact that teen heartthrob J-Biebs sings two whole lines in the chorus is clearly a mystery. But I have to admit that this song, while not particularly extraordinary in any way, shape or form, is far superior to half the tracks on the album.

Honestly, is not one of the best new albums on the market. It isn’t radical or historic. It won’t be remem-bered a year from now. With only three relatively good songs (“Look at Me Now,” “She Ain’t You” and “Yeah 3x”), I highly doubt the album will have any impact except dragging Chris Brown back into the limelight.

Oh wait, it doesn’t need to; Brown already has that covered. Not only did he send a naked picture of himself to an unknown recipient, he also smashed a window after an interview on “Good Morning America” and dramatically stormed out of the studio. Yup, Brown is back alright, and Ri-hanna had better watch out.

photo courtesy of Google Images

EGO TRIP:

tracks and provided a dynamic familiarity that decisively im-proved the record. However, her vocals in “Don’t Try and Hide It,” though strong, are overpowered and almost hid-den behind Long’s command-ing yet innocent voice.

After listening to the entirety of No Color, Case dis-appointingly remains a mere afterthought.

If there’s one lesson to be learned from No Color, it’s that The Dodos have much more up their sleeve than any-one who listened to their 2006 self-release

could have ever con-ceived.

The band is wrapping up spring break at the El Rey in Los Angeles with Reading Rainbow on April 8.

I’ll be there and you should be too.

photo courtesy of Google Images

GEOMETRIC: Angles

The Dodos’s Latest Shows True Colors

evolves into an awesome, spacey, reggae-like tune that announces to the music world that the Strokes are truly back in action.

But it’s not the Strokes

that we once knew.Gone are the Strokes’s

upbeat, high-pitched guitar riffs that were so prevalent on their debut and the follow-up, .

This trademark sound makes an appearance only on

of Darkness,” a catchy tune in which Casablancas demon-strates his vocal range and gui-

tarists Nick Valensi and Albert Hammond Jr. trade riffs back and forth while building up to a powerful chorus.

But the new sound isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Two

Kinds of Happiness,” full of swirling guitars and ’80s style drums from Fabrezzio Moretti, is unlike any song that the band has written, and “Taken For a Fool,” written by bassist Nico-

older Strokes tunes.Unfortunately, like most

albums these days, a dead spot occurs in the middle of the track list. The energy drops with “Games” and “Call Me Back,” songs which seem to be devoid of direction.

The record, although entertaining, lacks a certain continuity to it. The majority of the individual songs are sat-isfying and playlist-worthy, but as a whole, the album lacks the cohesive quality of previous Strokes works.

The good news is that members of the group have

follow-up to has al-

wait seems unlikely, but we can only hope.

may lack the classic nature of earlier Strokes

that will remain a favorite. Hopefully, the career of these New York rockers will last as long as possible.

By Savannah TateEntertainment Editor

Desperate Lines of Telekenisis Falls Flat

music. The second disc includ-ed other remixes and live per-formances of the songs on disc one, in addition to the two new tracks, “Heavy in Your Arms” and “Strangeness and Charm.” I did not particularly en-joy the remixes that disc two provided. For instance, I found that “Dog Days are Over (Yea-sayer Remix)” sounded far too

quality. Fortunately, the live per-

formances were a valued addi-tion to the album because the band’s knack for making music was most realistically depicted.

Through the masterful use of percussion, vocals and piano, Florence and the Ma-chine creates captivating music that lures fans with its contrast and perpetual motion.

By Natalie BenrubiEntertainment Writer

photo courtesy of Google Images

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CAPTIVATION: Florence and the Machine lead singer Florence Welch enthralls audi-ences on Between Two Lungs, including powerful vocals and intense instrumentals.

Lungs Breathes Deeply

A mere few months ago, I was unable to tell you who Florence and the Machine was. Now, I feel obliged to say that this band produces music that can be best described as intense. The incorporation of diverse instruments makes this band truly special.

With phenomenal per-cussion, haunting undertones and lead singer Florence Welch’s edgy yet angelic voice, the band ensnared audiences with its debut album, Lungs, in July 2009.

On March 29, Florence and the Machine released a

two-disc album, Between Two Lungs, that includes both the original LP and a bonus disc.

My favorite track of disc one is “Girl With One Eye,” primarily because of the song’s swing feel, an effect well ex-ecuted with the electric guitar. The combination of Florence’s voice with the guitar, even though the two tones are stark-ly dissimilar, comes through naturally and elegantly.

“Cosmic Love” pos-sessed the other-worldly touch that I hoped for from this al-bum. The track is graceful and sublime as Florence’s voice chimes in with the accompani-ment of the harp, piano, per-cussion and the subtle guitar pickings.

Lungscontained the band’s original

As a casual fan of Tele-kinesis, I didn’t have high ex-pectations for its sophomore release, 12 Desperate Straight Lines. I suppose I was simply

The record begins prom-isingly enough; Telekinesis’s signature catchy melodies and faint vocals shine in summery hits that I envisioned would play in a trendy clothing store appealing to the “indie” demo-graphic—although perhaps the only indie aspect of Telekinesis

rimmed glasses. Nevertheless, the band’s

sound on this record seems su--

vides agreeable chord progres-sions and infectious beats, but it lacks originality and depth.

As the album progress-es, the rhythms and basic har-monies waver on monotonous and simply made me desperate for some sort of variety.

Although the album doesn’t need an awe-inspiring mega-anthem, it would have added an intriguing touch to this otherwise mediocre record.

12 Desperate Straight Lines simply needs some piz-

zazz and distinction among its somewhat tedious tracks and

that seems to be glaringly void in today’s music.

At times, I honestly found myself a bit peeved that I was still listening to the album; is there no end to this lackluster parade of repetition? But it un-relentingly played on.

Nonetheless, just when despair began setting in, I

artful gem: “Patterns.” A testa-ment to Telekinesis’s untapped potential, “Patterns” embodies a simplistic intricacy that is not present throughout the rest of the album.

If only Telekinesis had repeated the technique of this track as many times as they did their preferred cliché formu-la—but maybe then this song’s beauty wouldn’t have shone so brilliantly.

However, to my dismay, the hackneyed riffs of “Gotta Get It Right Now” that, by this time, were purely obnoxious, quickly interrupted the lovely subtlety of “Patterns.”

“Gotta Get It Right Now” unimpressively con-cluded the record and kept the overall sound of 12 Desper-ate Straight Lines consistently

note, I felt more confused if anything. I could hardly dis-cern the differences between

the tracks, leaving the impres-sion of a hazy, vague dream.

Perhaps Telekinesis’s fa-

mastermind: vocalist/drummer/guitarist Michael Benjamin Learner. While his instrumen-tation has a satisfying mix of sugar and soul, his weak vo-cals merely fade into the back-ground. The only time he truly shines is in the milder, acoustic tracks, proving that he wrongly cast himself as the lead in an otherwise seasoned band.

Admittedly, Learner does strike a balance in “Fever Chill,” a show-stealing, bluesy track. With the same technique as that of the band’s previous single, “Coast of Carolina,” this track somewhat redeems the record.

Undoubtedly, Telekine-sis should have kept the skill-fully mastered pop-rock of its debut album; the sound that blended Learner’s fragile voice with energetic beats and snazzy guitar riffs.

Overall, 12 Desperate Straight Lines comes up short; its few shining jewels cannot compensate for the album’s overall lack of substance. In an industry chocked full with up-and-coming bands, this al-bum will surely be lost in the

In Telekinesis’s case, it’s simply better to stick to your strong suit.

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By Savannah TateEntertainment Editor

FAN FAVORITE: (From left) Canadian rockers John Hook, Dave Monks and Greg Alsop left listeners cheering for a second encore.

photo by Savannah Tate

Tokyo Police Club Wins Audience’s Vote

On a crisp Friday eve-ning, I entered the spacious doors of the El Rey Theater, hoping for a satisfying perfor-mance from the buzz-worthy band Tokyo Police Club.

Upon scanning the ven-ue, I didn’t quite know what to expect from the hip and out-wardly nonchalant crowd that surrounded me.

Most times, this is the breed of casual concertgoers who simply tap their foot to the music or occasionally nods their head in silent approval,

making the experience some-what awkward for the genu-inely enthusiastic.

However, Tokyo Police Club broke down all barriers of self-consciousness and pre-tense that night, leaving the audience simply reveling in the band’s excellence.

After a long wait and a rather forgettable opening band named Beast Make Bomb, To-kyo Police Club entered the stage in a sweeping gesture of understated grandeur.

Beginning with the pop-ular single “Favourite Color,” the band immediately captured the audience’s attention and maintained the crowd’s interest throughout the entire show.

Although the audience

initially responded rather tim-idly, the energy was almost

“End of a Spark” and peaked at the ever-adored “Tessellate.”

From then on, the audi-ence’s response came in waves of emotion, never wavering as it constantly gained momen-tum. Even during slower songs such as “Hands Reversed,” listeners swayed with the mu-sic and echoed singer Dave Monks’s every line.

Undoubtedly, these con-certgoers had memorized each nuance of the band’s music. They clapped along at all the right moments, which evi-dently pleased the performers and even elicited a boyish grin from the otherwise pokerfaced

guitarist John Hook during “Bambi.”

While Tokyo Police Club performed the lovable tracks “Breakneck Speed” and “Graves,” the audience mim-icked Monks’s “oohs” and clapped along as crowd surfers rode above this earnest tide of concertgoers.

I counted the most crowd surfers after the killer opening of “Boots of Danger (Wait Up),” though other fan favorites included the synthe-sized tracks “Be Good” and “In a Cave.”

Each performance re-ceived more cheers as the lively current of fans reacted energet-ically to the music. However, Tokyo Police Club was all

transitioned from one song into the next, leaving pleasantries and witty banter aside.

Nevertheless, Monks did mention his love for sunny Los Angeles and dedicated “Top Five!” to us Californians and our “motorcycle weather.” (By that point I was almost certain every man, woman and child had fallen in love with Monks; he had a certain undeniable charisma that left the crowd swooning.)

Keyboardist Graham Wright, with his unadulterated enthusiasm and vigorous head bobs, stole the spotlight during his synthesized solos. In addi-tion, drummer Greg Alsop con-sistently progressed the show, his steady beats pulsating with the energy of the crowd.

The band appropriately concluded with “Your English is Good,” since the lyrics peti-tioned listeners to give Tokyo

Police Club their vote. But this spirited crowd

audience’s delight, the band returned in a haze of red lights to play “Favourite Food” (a particularly great sing-along song) and the group’s classic hit “Cheer it On.”

Straddling his bass, Monks wryly proclaimed, “We love encores; we come for the show but stay for the encore.”

With the abundant en-ergy of the audience, Tokyo

Police Club could have easily played at least three more num-bers, but alas, the curtain was drawn, forcing the crowd to accept this conclusion and exit the venue.

Although the band’s set seemed rather short, the audi-ence certainly savored every moment and lingered in front of the doors of the El Rey long after to swap stories and dis-cuss the highlights.

Obviously, Tokyo Police Club had their vote.

HEARTBREAKER: Charismatic signer Dave Monks captured the heart of the audience with his superior vocal talent and refreshingly honest lyrics.

photo by Savannah Tate

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By Lauren BlackFeature Editor

Setting Up for Season

So far, the boys’ vol-leyball team has met the high expectations it set for the 2011 season.

“The season is going really well,” commented se-nior Riley Murphy, one of the team’s captains. “It started off slow, but it’s been picking up.”

“We’ve been improv-ing each time we play,” added coach Oz Simmons.

On Thursday, March 31, the Dolphins competed against Laguna Hills. However, re-sults were not able at the time of press. In a non-league game against Aliso Niguel on Tues-day, March 29, the Dolphins won with an overall 3-1 score.

“Overall, it was a good team effort, and the boys played really well,” said Sim-mons.

Junior Karch Smith executed several noteworthy sets, and junior Timmy Ryan performed equally outstand-ing blocks. Freshman Christian Hessenauer’s performance was notably exceptional.

On March 24, the Dol-phins faced tough competi-tion in a nerve-racking match against Mission Viejo, which ended with a close score of 3-2.

This match came down

the Dolphins managed to win by the two necessary points.

season occurred on Tuesday, March 22 against Tesoro–the boys kicked off their season with a winning score of 3-2. Although the match proved to be a frustration to the team and

coach, the players have already begun moving forward.

Despite a few lapses, pre-season was an opportunity

as they secured victories. In the Foothill Tournament, even though the Dolphins served up several crushing defeats, the matches ultimately ended in losses.

JUMP AROUND: Junior Timmy Ryan and sophomore Bryce Yould block a hit during a game against Los Alamitos.

photo by Emily Cullen

BUTTERFLY:

photo by Quinn Mahony

Record-Breaking SplashBy Claudia VarneySports Editor

Both the girls’ and the boys’ swim teams began their season with stronger perfor-mances and faster times than in recent years, breaking a few school records along the way. On March 29, the Dolphins faced Tesoro in a league meet; the boys won, 112-58, but the girls lost, 89.5-80.5.

A week prior, on March 22, the girls’ and boys’ teams defeated San Juan Hills with

scores of 139-18 and 128-34, respectively. On March 17 and 19, the boys’ team participated in the Millikan relays, and on March 24 and 26, the girls’ team had its relays.

Boys’ Head Coach Matt

-cent years and set a school re-cord in the 6x50 free relay with a time of 2:16:80.”

The Dolphins swam against Laguna Hills in their

March 15. The boys’ team won, 111-58, but the girls’ team lost 54-116.

Junior Drake Dunn se-

50 yard and 100 yard freestyle sprints. Freshman Emma Kao broke the 200 freestyle school

a time of 1:57:54.On Thursday, March 10

and Friday, March 11, the girls’ and boys’ teams participated in the preliminary rounds of the Capo Valley Relays, with the highest performers proceeding

-nals on March 12.

Senior Craig Stuart com-mented, “We expected to make them all–and we did.”

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Intensity on the Rise for BaseballBy Claudia VarneySports Editor

After reaching CIF Fi-nals last year but not taking the championship, the baseball players are more than ready to bring their best to every game this year.

The team’s next game is today against league opponent Capistrano Valley.

On Wednesday, March 30, the Dolphins faced El Toro in a league game, resulting in a close 5-4 win.

and second league game, the boys bested Tesoro on March

25 by a score of 2-1.Prior to their victorious

home game, the Dolphins lost to El Dorado on March 22 with a score of 1-6.

On March 18, however, the Dolphins beat San Clem-ente by one run, winning their

had a double-header against Woodbridge High School on Wednesday, March 16. After

boys won the second, 14-5, in an impressive comeback.

The Dolphins partici-pated in the Loara Tourna-ment from March 4-12. Start-ing strong on March 4, the

tournament, 7-4, against Santa Margarita.

The following day, they lost to Cypress High School with a score of 8-16.

On Tuesday, March 8, the team rallied to beat Marina, 5-3, but then lost to Loara two days later with a score of 2-3.

with a close win, 3-2, against Los Alamitos.

Regarding this victory, senior Steve Connell said, “We came alive in the seventh in-ning to come back and win the game.”

In regard to the team’s dynamic as a whole, senior Eric Hsieh commented, “We should have a very strong season. We have a bunch of returners from last year, so this year’s team is pretty experienced.”

FUTURE CHAMPS: The team hopes to make CIF this year by placing in the top three. photo courtesy of Terri Hurst

WINDING UP FOR A WIN: Junior Eric Pierce pitches with power, precision and blind-ing speed in a game against Santa Margarita.

photos by Emily Cullen

By Jimmy FallonSports Editor

“Winning the league title has always been a team goal. Making it into CIF by placing in the top three in the League, instead of a wildcard like we have been the past few years, assures we will make it deep into CIF,” said senior Jenny Hurst.

On Tuesday, March 29 the Dolphins lost to Orange Lutheran, 2-7.

Prior to this loss, the team defeated Cypress, 8-7, and Laguna Hills, 4-2.

Freshman Olivia Balta-

zar and Hurst were recognized for their outstanding perfor-mance, and each received an All Tournament Award in the Northwood Tournament on March 19.

Said sophomore Sev-erina Worthington, “Jenny has provided the experience and leadership that has pulled this team together.”

Worthington continued, “She has helped build strong, cohesive team spirit. Her bat does a lot of the talking with her .536 batting average, and she plays a solid second base.”

The team also has mul-tiple strong up and coming players.

“Olivia Baltazar has

established herself as a rising star, excelling at all phases of her game. Versatility has been her middle name, whether

said senior Jordyn Larkins.The season started with

rough losses. The Dolphins were defeated by El Toro, Norco and Bishop Amat with scores of 3-5, 0-5 and 0-9, re-spectively.

“September started with a nucleus of players all com-mitted to winning. Practices were long and hard, focusing on fundamentals and working together as a team,” said Hurst. “This approach laid the ground-work for some great play in the months to come.”

Softball Shoots for Winning League

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By Sara VandegriftSports Editor

CHALLENGING BEGINNINGS FOR LACROSSE TEAMS

photo courtesy of Jan English

NIMBLE: Sophomore Cody Betzler runs with the ball during the Dolphins’ match against Tesoro, in which they lost, 2-11.

An apt measure of a team’s quality is how it deals with the hard times.

So far this season, both the boys’ and girls’ lacrosse teams have had their fair share of tough losses.

Boys

On Tuesday, March 29, the Dolphins competed against San Clemente. Despite the boys’ efforts, especially when it came to being aggressive, the game concluded with a 3-19 loss.

A similar defeat oc-curred on Friday, March 25 against El Toro. Even though they were on their home turf, the boys lost 7-13.

The Dolphins fared bet-ter on Tuesday, March 22 with a 8-6 win against El Dorado.

Previously, a lack of teamwork had led to a series of losses, including a 13-11 loss to Mission Viejo on Friday, March 18. On Tuesday, March 15, the Dolphins also lost to Tesoro, 2-11.

The game on Thursday, March 10 against San Juan Hills, was one of the best show-ings by the boys this season.

In the last few minutes of the game, the boys increased

Undefeated After Four League Games

photo by Emily Cullen

photo courtesy of XPS Photo

PROMPT: Senior Trevor Dell returns the ball to his opponent in his singles match against University.

COMPOSED: Junior Shu Funato prepares his serve in his singles match.

By Jimmy FallonSports Editor

Upcoming home games include Aliso Niguel on Tues-day, April 12 and Trabuco Hills on Wednesday, April 13.

The Dolphins will then face off against San Clemente once again on Thursday, April 14.

On Wednesday, March 30, the Dolphins competed against University, ultimately losing, 3-15.

The Dolphins defeated

Capo Valley, 11-7, in their match on Tuesday, March 22.

Junior Bayan Yazdi was ecstatic about the win.

“Everyone did great. [Junior] Connor Corley and [senior] Trevor Dell were out-standing and one of the key fac-tors to winning this important game,” said Yazdi.

On Thursday, March 24, the Dolphins defeated cross-town rival San Clemente, 10-8, in what has been the highlight of the season thus far.

“Beating San Clemente was a key win. They are the second best team in League,” said freshman Chase Mas-

their focus, achieving an 11-8 win.

Explained senior Clay-ton Harbin, “During the second half, we really picked up the tempo. We seemed to really increase the intensity and drive the other team away from the ball.”

Towards the beginning of the season, the team success-

fully defeated Laguna Hills, 16-3, on Friday, March 4.

Girls

On Tuesday, March 29, the lady Dolphins played against San Clemente in their closest league game yet. Though the girls began the game in the lead and played

ciorini.“San Clemente was an

important win. It was a tough match that could have gone either way,” said Head Coach Justin Green. “Next time, we need to play better than we did today, though.”

Freshman Jon Alami added, “San Clemente thought they had us beat. We were re-ally able to pull through. We are becoming more of a team. We are undefeated in League so far.”

Commented senior Trevor Dell, “We are going to win League because we already beat San Clemente, and we are

expecting to do better. We can

made our match against San Clemente so close.”

The team hosted the Dana Hills Coastal Classic at the Laguna Niguel Racquet Club on March 18 and 19.

“Our number two doubles, [sophomores] Con-nor Corley and Evan Jelic, are showing great improvement,” said Green.

The team achieved vic-tory against Aliso Niguel on Thursday, March 17 with a score of 14-4.

“We needed the win, and we played for it. We were able to keep the ball in play to beat Aliso,” said junior Mike Heineke. “Everyone was able to do their part.”

Junior Jack DeGuzman said, “We realized that we had to step it up. We have been having longer practices, and

off.”On Wednesday, March

16, however, the boys lost to Marina, 4-14.

“Marina’s doubles were just too good. We could make more improvements in that area,” said Alami.

S. Dell explained, “We needed to step it up, and we were unable to deliver,”

Despite the slow start to the season, the Dolphins man-aged to pull it together to de-feat Laguna Beach on Tuesday, March 15; the score was 10-8.

“Connor [Corley] has really stepped up for the team,” said senior Jonathan Rothen-berg.

He continued, “This sea-son, we were down good play-ers who graduated last year, and Connor was able to step up and help the team.”

The boys’ match against Palos Verdes on Thursday, March 10 ended in disappoint-

ment, with a losing score of 4-14.

DeGuzman said, “We were really disappointed in the way we played. It was a game that we should have won.”

Added Rothenberg, “They caught us off guard. We could have done more practic-ing before the match.”

On Monday, March 7, the boys lost to Woodbridge, 3-15.

“We weren’t playing as a team, and that caused us to have a slow start,” explained

do better in our doubles match-es. That proved to be a key

score.”Though the boys have

struggled this season, they have worked hard to create a suc-cessful team dynamic this year.

“We have been having a lot of bonding time, which shows that we are really start-ing to become a team,” said Rothenberg.

One such bonding activ-ity is the team barbeque, which will take place today.

DeGuzman agreed that the team aims to improve its performance in order to make it to CIF.

He said, “We are going to work even harder than ever so that we can go to CIF.”

score was 9-16.

After a week of can-celed games due to weather

girls played Aliso on Monday, March 28. The lady Dolphins lost momentum along with one of their best and brightest defenders, McKenna Meyer, to a sprained ankle, resulting in a disappointing 7-18 loss.

The varsity team got

Saturday, March 19 during the annual Surf, Sun and Stix In-vitational in San Diego against Monte Vista.

“Although we didn’t win a trophy, we came together and achieved the goals we set for ourselves, and that was a victory in itself,” said junior

Stephanie Quon. A pattern of losses reap-

peared in the girls’ game against Mission Viejo on Thursday, March 17, which ended with a

On Tuesday, March 15, Tesoro defeated the Dolphins, 15-3.

The lady Dolphins lost to Laguna Hills, 6-19, on Thursday, March 10. On Wednesday, March 9, the girls

score was 5-13.

in the Rose Bowl Tournament in Pasadena. They lost all three games, against Aliso, Yorba Linda and Downey. After a long day, the lady Dolphins went home with seventh place.

“So far, we really have had a tough season,” admitted junior Glenna McIntosh. “At the same time, we are one of the youngest teams, with only a few seniors, and we still have a lot to learn.”

“Although we didn’t win a trophy, we came together and achieved the goals we set for ourselves; that was a victory in itself.”

-Stephanie Quon, 11

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ing the potency of mass zom-bie waves.

If approved by Principal Dr. Robert Nye, these cannons will be strategically placed in locations including the top of the football stadium and the Porthole Theater. Forster has also proposed a revolution-ary system to alert the campus when there is an emergency.

Zombie alarm switches will be placed throughout campus that will emit a loud, disturbing sound as a sign of either an attack or an upris-ing in the student body (most likely the latter).

Said loud, disturbing sound will take the form of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” song, the most unbearable noise to zombie (and human) ears. However, in the event of a zombie attack, drastic mea-sures may need to be taken if anyone is to be saved of a painful and horrible death.

“Throughout the next few weeks, I will be having daily after-school sessions in my classroom where I will teach students and faculty members alike how to combat a zombie assailant,” Forster

-clude anything from round-house kicking your opponent in the face to gouging out the zombie’s eyes with your handy USB drive.”

Finally, in order to train zombie protectors, Forster and other teachers have formed the Dana Establishment of Resis-tance to Peril (DERP).

As of March 31, an epidemic of extremely morbid mutations has spread rampant-ly across the United States as the result of a synthetic virus known as “zombism.”

Although the exact source of the virus has yet

-nated in the small city of Dana Point, California. It is believed that zombism originated in the Dana Hills cafeteria when economists sought to save money through the incorpo-ration of rubber into the so-called “meat.”

Decreased intellectual capacity is a widely reported symptom, as evidenced by the plummeting grades and work ethic of students, especially all seniors. More severe cases reveal deformities in the bone structure of victims as well as increased levels of testoster-one, creating an unstable bal-ance between violent tenden-cies and brute force.

In response to the im-minent threat of future attacks, CCP and AP Computer Sci-ence teacher Glenn Forster has collaborated with other faculty members to develop highly advanced campus security.

Forster plans to install several photon cannons (PCs) in hopes of effectively reduc-

Forster to Install Several PCs

By Alfonso OrdazNews Editor

By Claudia Varney & Quinn MahonySports Editor & Photographer

Peeing Crisis in Dana Pool

In recent years, swim-mers and water polo players have been encouraged to pee in the pool to save time during practices and lower the cost of heating the pool.

According to recent

Dana Hills pool consists of roughly 71 percent wee-wee, 19.3 percent chlorine, 5.1 percent gum and 4.6 percent water. This unique chemical makeup has given the pool

The massive amount of pee-pee in the pool has raised the salinity to chart-topping

levels. The increased salin-ity levels make the swimmers more buoyant, which has con-tributed to the team’s faster race times in recent years.

The levels of salt in the pool are so high that students taking Marine Biology no lon-ger have to travel elsewhere to study marine life. There are abundant cultures of phy-toplankton and zooplankton residing in the pool, and some members of the swim team re-ported seeing a yellow sponge and a pineapple residing at the bottom of the deep end.

There have also been sightings of prehistoric basi-lisk-like amphibians residing in the gutters on the sides of the pool, living off discarded chewing gum. The mysteri-ous amphibian is credited with ingesting the refuse that accu-

by Quinn Mahony

mulates in the gutters so that the swimmers don’t have to worry about it.

Most students who were surveyed unabashedly admit-ted to piddling in the pool for various reasons.

Senior Chloe Harris also admitted taking pleasure in peeing in the water.

“It takes me a little bit to concentrate and get into the zone, but once I’m in the zone

feels good. It warms me up,” said Harris. “I pee in the pool during practice because my coach says it wastes too much time to go to the bathroom.”

Added senior Ryan Walker, “It’s a routine; it’s a ritual. You can’t get into the pool without peeing in the

pool.”Senior Craig Stuart also

considers it a routine, saying, “I do it every day. It’s like an everyday necessity.”

The high levels of chlo-rine in the pool have exacted beach-like effects on the hair of all pool users.

Scientists have yet to fully understand why swim-mers’ hair color changes from brunette to blonde over their time on the team, but such re-searchers have evidence link-ing the color change to the high pee and chlorine levels.

Harris remarked, “Any-one who says they haven’t peed in the pool is a liar,” and most swimmers agree.

Junior Hannah Brown said, “Everyone does it, but there’s so much chlorine you wouldn’t know it.”

TINKLING TIME: Dolphins take a break in the side lines to relieve their bladder in the urine-ridden pool.

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ities that this advanced English teacher displays are: unnatural tooth structure, a prominent

torturing young, innocent stu

that casually sits in room 607

Have you ever seen her

temptation to devour human

announced her plans to move

she could have gone to Austra

WHEN I SAY ‘GILBERT,’ YOU SAY ‘ZOMBIE’By Shannon McNulty & Emma WerdermanNews Editor & Photographer

By Elizabeth SummersIntern

STEVE: THE ZOMBIE SLAYERAmidst the chaos and

Contrary to popular

all his strength and rapidly

entails a rigorous hair care routine to protect his luscious

OUR HERO: Steve “The Zombie Slayer” Arizobal deserves our praise, for he battled the “brain-nomming” undead creatures that inhabit our school in order to single-handedly restore hope to us all and save the entire student population from slow, painful death by zombies.

One student even made an and I live in the English hall [a

students are living in the Eng

Other students claim that the game has caused them

,”

not point at her and scream

to carry on and act as normal

RAVENOUS: English teacher and closet zombie Paige Gilbert, who recently announced that she will soon be moving to “Wyoming,” devours one of her AP Literature students for a mid-morning snack.