The Principles of Authentic Power

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THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWERFINDING STRENGTH, MEANING, AND HAPPINESSIN AN OUT-OF-CONTROL WORLD

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Welcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2

Session 1: Power vs. Control: The Art of Strategic Surrender . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3

Session 2: Getting More with Less Effort: The Power of Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

Session 3: Your Primary and Secondary Worlds: Control vs. Influence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10

Session 4: The 4 Rules of Engagement: Rules 1-3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13

Session 5: The 4th Rule of Engagement: Shifting People’s Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16

Session 6: The Power of Learning to Let Go: Developing Your Capacity to Grow . . . . . . . . . . .18

Session 7: Ten Ideas and Attitudes to Let Go Of: Finding True Peace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21

Session 8: The Power of Faith: The Ultimate Weapon Against Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29

Session 9: How to Profit from Your Knowledge: The Five Steps to Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33

Session Ten: Happiness as a Way of Life: Cherish the Chase as Much as the Trophy . . . . . . . .38

Session Eleven: Bridging the Gap Between What You Know and What You Do . . . . . . . . . . . .41

Session Twelve: How to Leave a Great Legacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44

You Can Choose Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45

Producer: Dave KuenstleWorkbook: Traci Vujicich

THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER 2

Welcome

Congratulations on your purchase! You’ve taken the first step to finding peace and happiness inyour life. In order to get the most from this program, you need to do one thing. You need tohave the courage to be playful. As you listen to this, just listen objectively. Think about your lifefrom the bleachers. Step out of it for a minute. Take a look from the outside and say, “What do Ireally want? Am I happy? Am I happy on a daily level? Do I know how to enjoy the moment?Am I celebrating the things that mean the most to me? Or, are the things that mean the most tome those that create the most stress and pressure in my life rather than give me the greatestreward?”

You are closer to what you want than you think. You’ll also find out by the end of this programthat you’re working too hard at the wrong things. It’s time to learn how to change that.

How to Use This WorkbookHow can you get the most out of this writeable workbook? Research has shown that the moreways you interact with learning material, the deeper your learning will be. Nightingale-Conanthas created a cutting-edge learning system that involves listening to the audio, reading the ideasin the workbook, and writing your ideas and thoughts down. In fact, this workbook is designedso that you can fill in your answers right inside this document.

1. Preview the section of the workbook that goes with the audio session.

2. Listen to the audio session at least once.

3. Complete the exercises in this workbook

By taking the time to preview the exercises before you listen to each session, you are primingyour subconscious to listen to and absorb the material. Then, when you are actually listening toeach session, you’ll be able to absorb the information faster—and will see faster results.

Remember, the more you apply this information, the more you’ll get out of it.

Let’s get started.

3 THE PRINCIPLES OF AUTHENTIC POWER

Session 1: POWER VS. CONTROL: THE ART OFSTRATEGIC SURRENDER

The key to getting what we want more often in this out-of-control world is to strategicallydecide which battles we need to win, which battles will truly lead us toward the happiness andfulfillment we’re looking for. Also part of this process is deciding which battles we shouldn’t befighting because no matter how badly we’d like to win those battles, they simply will distract usfrom bringing our energy to what it is we should be doing. This process is called strategic sur-render. When we’re able to choose our strategic surrenders in life, we’re able to transcend thefeeling of struggling, and we can actually find the power in the process.

Energy Versus PowerEnergy isn’t power. Energy is merely potential. Power is energy directed. As human beings, wedon’t know much about ourselves in this physical world. We know that we are energy. We knowthat we’re two types of energy: physical energy and psychic energy. Physical energy is our abilityto breathe, to move, of our heart to beat, our lungs to move. Psychic energy is everything elsewe’re capable of doing in this life. We can emote, we can think, we can dream, we can imagine.

Energy is life. When we die, we’ll have no ability to use our physical energy. So, literally, whenwe waste our energy on things that we can’t control, we’re wasting our very life.

Exercise: How Are You Wasting Your Energy?Think about an event that was bothering you last week. This is something that you spent timethinking about, trying to do something about, or wasting your time and energy about, when itwas something you couldn’t control.

What you were worrying about:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How many hours did you waste?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What if you could harness that energy and bring it toward the things you could control? Thinkof the power you’d have in helping you find what it is you’re really looking for.

You can have a life-changing experience just byhaving the courage to look at yourself differently.

You wake up every day wanting to be happier and more successful. That’s fine. It doesn’t makeyou an overachiever; it makes you human. Even if your goal is the same as Gandhi’s and you


want your ego reduced to nothing, you still want more. You want more of less ego. There’s noth-ing wrong with that. We are human and we want to see what our capacities are. But that does-n’t mean we have to mortgage our happiness, the very thing we’re really looking for in the end,to do it.

As you consider what you might expect from this program, understand that we live in a jadedage today. We know there’s more; that’s why we buy these kinds of products. That’s why we lis-ten, that’s why we study, that’s why we look for people to teach us. We know there’s more. Yet,we’re still longing. So, what can the truly mature, skeptical, and intelligent person expect fromthis program?

There’s an old song from the 1970s, titled I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. This programdoesn’t promise you that the world’s going to change the way it does in the movies. Life doesn’tactually work that way. In movies, there are these great big moments of awareness when all of asudden people change. This program doesn’t work that way. We’ve built up habits, we’ve builtup definitions, life stories and contexts, and these drive us. These help us think, they help usprocess the world, but they do more than that. They also, in many ways, create the world thatcomes to us.

This program will help break down scientifically, psychologically, emotionally, and philosophi-cally how this works. We can take a look at the connection between what happens to us andwhat we make happen. We can understand the distinction between what happens without anyregard to us and what we’re in some way connected to. When we can figure out which battleswe should be fighting and bring all our energy and all our attention only to those battles, wewill have discovered the power of strategic surrender and we’ll be able to get what we wantmore often. As a matter of fact, we’ll enjoy the process more, which is really what we’re all look-ing to do.

“Full effort is full victory.” Gandhi

Full effort is full victory. Be where you are right now. And right now you’re doing exactly whatyou should be doing. You’re listening to this program.

A Few QuestionsWhat if you could have back all the energy that you’ve ever wasted on things you can’t control?Now, this means you would get back any time you’ve ever worried about something that eitherhappened or didn’t happen. You have back the hours in which you tried to control somethingthat was out of your control or worried about what people would think or do. What if you couldhave that energy and time back in your life? How much power could you have if you coulddirect that toward what you want? Think about that. What would you spend that time on now?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Do you believe that it’s possible to stay exactly as you are — your own definitions, your owncontexts, your own meanings, your own understanding of yourself and the world stay exactlywhere they are, not change — and yet have the happiness and the success and the fulfillmentthat you’re looking for? If you answered no to that last question, then good for you, because youunderstand or are beginning to understand the art of strategic surrender.

Exercise: What Can You Control?Write down the things you feel you have control over, and the things you don’t.

Can Control:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Can’t Control:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What did you put in the “Can Control” list? Did you put your spouse, children, friends, co-work-ers, or parents? Can you actually control them? Perhaps you put your health in that list. Does itbelong there? Can you actually control your health? If you think you can, try this exercise. Makeyour heart stop beating. If you’re being truly honest, you’ll discover that most of the things youlisted in the “Can Control” list really belong in the “Can’t Control” list.

Session 2: GETTING MORE WITH LESS EFFORT:THE POWER OF STORIES

Most of us are smarter than we’ve ever been. Most of us are making more money than we’veever made in our lives. Despite this, most of us want more.

To want more isn’t a bad thing; it’s part of the human capacity. Our job in life is to go throughthis life and find out what is it we can do and what is it we can be. How do we learn to thinkand behave in a way in which we can find the happiness and higher level of meaning and fulfill-ment?

What we’re really looking for is our meaning. When we talk about getting more of what wewant with less effort, the “more” that we’re looking for is who we are, a definition of ourselvesthat we’re happy with. We’re searching for a definition of ourselves that we respect, that weaccept, and that we feel lovely about.

The ancient oracle is to know thyself. In that process of knowing yourself on a higher level,you’ll find that you’re getting more of what you want with much less effort. You’ll find that youdon’t want to fight half the battles that you were spending most of your time fighting before.You’ll stop thinking that if you won those — if you could only have more attention from some-one, more love from someone, more time, more cooperation, more money, more this, and that— would solve your problems.

Exercise: Who Are You?Do you know who you are? Answer the question “Who am I?” not with an essay but with just afew sentences.

I am:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now, go back and circle all the labels. Circle the words that define you that are outside of you:your relationships, your age, your hobby, your salary, your possessions, and your job.

Why? Because those are things that can and do change without your permission.You’ll get older, whether you want to or not, unless you die. Family and friends can leave you.Jobs will change. And yet, when these things happen that are circumstances beyond you’re con-trol, we’re still here. You’re still you.

That’s why you’re still looking. You’re looking for that meaning that will make you feel com-plete, fulfilled, and happy. That emptiness that we feel is because we’ve misidentified our coremeaning.

Exercise: What’s Your Nametag?In the previous exercise, you identified the “big” labels. Let’s take it another step and identifythe little labels we put on ourselves. These are labels like “Vegetarian,” “Red Wings fan,”“Shopaholic,” “Gemini.” In the following spaces, write down the nouns and adjectives you usu-ally use to describe yourself:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


These are little things, things that we like and things that we do that we identify ourselves by.But we don’t even realize we do it. You see, these things, when you put them together, are ourstories. We’re born alone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts,longing to make a connection.

We are the stories we tell ourselves we are.

We long to make a connection. It’s a biological and physiological need. It’s how we actually findour meaning. The neurons in our brains need to connect with another set of neurons in ourbrains in order for us to find meaning, in order for us to know our dog’s name, in order for usto remember where we live; that’s how we find meaning.

A story is merely a device that helps us make a connection. A device, like a tool, like a can open-er that helps us open a can, a story is a device that helps us make connections. It takes separateentities, separate things, things that have nothing to do with each other in the beginning of thisstory, and it brings them together so that at the end they connect and we can find meaning inthe story.

Our lives are a combination of separate entities, ideas, definitions, experiences, relationships,thoughts, and feelings. And when these connect, they make stories. And those stories are whowe are.

In order to understand ourselves better, we need to figure out how some stories don’t serve usand some stories do. We need to learn how we can transcend some stories and that we don’thave to be tied to them and yet we can still be ourselves.

Our stories from the past, from 20, 30, 40, or more years ago, drive our behavior today. That’smore powerful than a story. That’s mythical power. Chances are, you grew up in a family. Didthat family have a culture? Did it have myths? Truths greater than truth? Truths that drove thebehaviors of the people of that culture? Did you have the Smith luck, or the Shoblom curse?

How about the corporation or the place you work? Doesn’t that have a culture? Isn’t it driven bymyths and truths that determine how people behave and how they approach their jobs? Truthsthat influence what they think they can and can’t do, what they think they should or shouldn’t do.

We want to hold on to these stories, not because they’re pleasant, but because we think that’swho we are, that we don’t have a choice, that we need to hold on to them. It’s as though we lookin a mirror and say, “That’s my story. It hurts, but I’m sticking to it.”

We don’t have to stick to the stories that hurt. We don’t have to forget them. We don’t have todeny them, but they don’t have to be our stories anymore. We can transcend them.

We don’t need the power to change our past, because our past isn’t the problem; it’s how wedefine our past in our present that is the challenge. We don’t need to change the story or denythe story; we need to merely change what the story means. That’s the key to getting what we


want. That’s the key to the happiness and the peace and the fulfillment that we’re looking for. Tofind out which myths don’t serve us, find out how they manifest themselves in our behaviors,our definitions, our words, our thoughts, our actions, and our outcomes

Your past isn’t the problem; it’s how you define yourpast in your present that is the challenge.

Exercise: What’s Your Story?As an exercise, think of one of your “stories.” Identify something that happened to you (or didn’thappen to you) that has shaped who you are today. Maybe you wanted to get into medicalschool but failed chemistry. Perhaps you married very young and were later divorced. Write thatstory in the following space, and explain what “truth” you gained from that experience. Whatdoes this story mean to you?____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now, ask yourself, “Does this story serve me today?” How is this story manifesting itself in yourlife today?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If the story you chose is leading you to think negatively about yourself (“I’m not smart enough…”)how can you change the context? How can you redefine this story so that it empowers you?

Context is the tool that we use to help change the meaning of our stories. Context can help usfind the higher meaning that we’re looking for.

Stories happen. Events happen. Circumstances happen. How we define them is how we find ourpower in them. They happen sometimes without our control. How we define them is how wefind our power in them. We sometimes define them in ways that hurt us, but we can definethem in ways that help us.

So what we’re finding out in this session is that in order to get more of what we want with halfthe effort, we need to first understand how we are negatively contributing to some of our ownoutcomes. Some things happen to us without our control. Some things just happen. But manythings we affect. We affect them with our thoughts and our behaviors and our communication.And those thoughts and behaviors and communications are driven by our stories. The way toimprove our thoughts, our behaviors, our communication, and our outcomes is to learn how tochange the debilitating meanings that we have for some of the stories in our lives and makethem more edifying. We do that through the power of context.


Exercise: Pen PalPretend that you have a pen pal that you’ve never met. You want him or her to understand whoyou are. So, you start to write to your Pen Pal. You’re including, of course, your likes and yourdislikes. Then you start to get further into that. You start to get into the “what’s,” the “who’s,”and the “why’s” of your life. First, describe what you do and whom you’re with.

Dear Pen Pal,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When you get through with all that, you’ll start to write to them the why’s. Write down why youlike the things you like, why you do the things you do, why you have these people in your life.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is where to look for your story, because our story lies in our why’s, the why’s behind ourwhat’s.

Think about how some of those why’s don’t necessarily have to be true. How some of themcould be choices. How the reason that you feel so negatively about certain types of people does-n’t have to drive negativities in your life. For example, you can choose to be a vegetarian andwalk into a restaurant and have a perfectly comfortable, fun, and enjoyable evening, even ifeveryone in the rest of the room is eating steak.

It’s not mine to teach or change others;it’s mine to choose what’s mine.

This power lies within you as well. You get to choose. You’ve had bad things happen in your life.You get to choose how to define those things and make that story positive. Even though thestory had some bad things in it, you can make that story positive. Think about the heroes andheroines you see in stories that you’ve read or movies that you’ve seen. They had bad thingshappen. But how they defined what happened and how they would respond to it, that’s whatmade them heroes and heroines. That’s how we get more of what we want in life, by not beingvictim to our circumstances, by being the true writers of our everyday stories.


Session 3: YOUR PRIMARY AND SECONDARYWORLDS: CONTROL VS. INFLUENCE

In order to get more of what we want with less effort, in order to really understand the power ofstrategic surrender, we first have to understand what we can control… and what we can’t. Thereare two worlds that you experience: the primary world and the secondary world. You are yourprimary world. Everything you think, see, and do is in your primary world. The secondaryworld is the one involving other people. Anything done, thought, said, or felt by someone else isin your secondary world.

The reason this needs to be clear is so that we can understand the difference between controland influence. The concept of control exists only in the primary world.

Sometimes we think that we could get more of what we want if we could only control others orother circumstances or other things. But the ultimate answer to getting what we want lies inour primary world, not in controlling things in our secondary world. In fact, control doesn’texist in the secondary world.

We can control only ourselves, and most of us fail to do that half the time. Only influence existsin the secondary world.

We can NEVER control another person orcircumstance. We can only influence it.

We Are All InsecureWe’re all afraid because we’re all insecure. We have to spend the rest of our life figuring outwho we are and what we are supposed to do in this world. Instead of realizing that we are allborn without an owner’s manual, we become insecure because of some ideals that we haveabout how smart we’re supposed to be, how attractive we’re supposed to be, and we don’t fitthose ideals. Those ideals are a combination of fantasies and capacities that we aspire to.

Exercise: What Is Your Ideal?What are the ideals you are holding yourself to? Do they make you feel insecure or inspired?If I were at my ideal, this is how I would be:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Which of these things exist in your primary world (meaning you can control them)? Which existin the secondary world and are dependent on another person or circumstance?

Chances are, if your ideal is based in the primary world and you believe you can control it, youfeel inspired. If you believe that your ideal is dependent on another person or circumstance (“Ifonly he would…”), you feel insecure.


The tapes and the CDs and the books that we read in the “self help” movement tell us that we’vejust got to get in control of our life. We’ve got to take charge. We’ve got to make things happen.

But then, all of a sudden we find out it is an out-of-control world. Anything can happen at anypoint in time. We are vulnerable. And that vulnerability scares us. The answer to that fear does-n’t lie in trying to control things we can’t. That’s delusion. The answer to that fear is to say, “Yes,I am vulnerable. I live in an out-of-control world, but I have power in it.”

Exercise: My, Isn’t That Interesting?Let’s think about the things you can and can’t control, about your spouse, your lover, or yourpartner. This exercise is to help you learn to throw your hands up in the air and say, “My, isn’tthat interesting?” Every time you see something around you that you find less than attractive orthat you see has been in your way, don’t judge it and feel guilty about it. Rather, look at it forwhat it is and say, “My, isn’t that interesting?”

Let’s come up with a few scenarios for practice. Think of a situation in your real life when youwanted to control the situation, but it didn’t work. The first one is created for you as an example.

Example One: You’ve told your son to clean up his room and finish his homework before din-ner. You go in to tell him dinner is ready, and he is playing video games in the middle of hismessy room. His backpack is still closed and you can tell he’s not done his homework yet. Howdo you usually respond? I would start yelling at him for not listening.What is your new response? “My, isn’t that interesting…?”

Example Two: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do you usually respond? ____________________________________________________________What is your new response? _____________________________________________________________

Example Three: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How do you usually respond? ____________________________________________________________What is your new response? _____________________________________________________________

Now, this is not to say you can’t influence the situation. But you’ll only stress yourself out if youthink you can control the secondary world.


Get SympatheticWe have an autonomic nervous system that controls our bodies’ involuntary physiological reac-tions to stimuli. For example, your pupils constrict in bright light. You don’t decide for your pupilsto react; they just react in bright light and that’s because of the autonomic nervous system.

This system is divided into two separate systems: the sympathetic nervous system and theparasympathetic nervous system. When we’re frightened or under extreme stress, the sympa-thetic nervous system sends out chemical messages that cause, among other physical reactions,our hearts to beat faster, our mouths to go dry, our blood vessels to contract.

These physiological reactions in turn affect our sensory perception; they affect our senses andthe way we perceive the world. We don’t decide for these things to happen; they happen becausewe feel fear. Whether that fear is real or not, whether the room’s on fire or we’re afraid some-thing might happen to us, our body will start to physiologically react this way. And when itreacts this way, we can’t deny it. We can’t deny how we feel.

So rather than go toward what we know, we will start to put more stock into how we feel. Butit’s important to understand that how we feel doesn’t always serve us. The same way that some-times we feel like eating half a gallon of ice cream, we have to know that that doesn’t serve usand let what we know lead our behaviors more than what we feel. And that’s hard sometimes,especially when there’s fear.

Sometimes when we let fear guide us, we can’t think straight. We deny what we know and tryto control things that we can’t.

All feelings are valid. If you’re afraid, that’s fine. If that fear is causing you to behave in a certainway that doesn’t serve you, that is not fine. It’s okay to say, “My, isn’t that interesting. I’m afraidright now.” But then give more attention and more credence to what you know you should dorather than how you feel about what you’re afraid of.

Some of the most powerful people in the world understand that they live in a world that’s out oftheir control. And while many of us look at them as people who are in positions of control,they’re smart enough to recognize that they’re only in positions of influence, which can bemuch more powerful than control.

Influence can be more powerful than control.

Exercise: What Can You Control?Before you try to influence others, think about what it is you might want to be controlling inyour life.

In my life, I can control:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Session 4: THE 4 RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:RULES 1-3

The next two sessions are about how to make connections that count. Remember, we’re bornalone, we die alone, and we live the middle part in denial of those two facts, longing to make aconnection. These next two sessions are about the power of influence. How to make connec-tions that count. We have tremendous power in this out-of-control world through the power ofinfluence.

Most people have had millions of conversations in their lives: with their grocer, their friends,coworkers, accountants, etc. We talk to people all day long, and yet most of us don’t even knowwhat’s really taking place when one person communicates with another. Most people don’t knowtheir job in that process. Musicians have a great term for job; they call it a “gig.” One of thethings that is important is that at any point in time we need to know our gig.

When we communicate with other people we have a gig and it’s a very important gig. When wecommunicate with other people, it’s our opportunity to help them make a connection, as well asfor us to make a connection. To misidentify that gig is to miss a tremendous human opportunity.

The Four Rules of EngagementThe four rules of engagement are rules that are always working. They’re not sometimes work-ing; they are always working. Whenever one or more people are communicating, the four rulesof engagement are working.

The rules are even working when you talk to yourself. To not know that they’re working meansthey’re probably working against you.

The Four Rules of EngagementOne: Everyone is always right.

Two: The greatest human desire is to be right.Three: We can’t change anybody’s mind.

Four: We can only help shift another’s perspective.

Rule number one: Everyone is always right. Now notice this doesn’t say, “Most people aresometimes right,” it says, “Everyone is always right.” In order for us to challenge this intellectu-ally, we have to consider the concept of truth. What is truth? In other words, how do we knowwhat is? What is red? What is water? What is a book? What is a TV? What is truth? How do weknow?

Truth is that which one believes to be true.

If you go beyond physics to the actual human sociological experience, you’ll find that the worldwill line up to validate that which one believes to be true. If you take a 42-year-old divorced


woman who thinks all men are jerks because that’s been her experience and introduce her to 50prime USDA Grade-A gentlemen, she will meet 50 jerks.

We have our stories of our world and ourselves, and the world will validate our truths. And forthat reason, everyone is always right. They have to be. In psychology it’s called congruency. Theworld has to be congruent with that which we think it is. Our definitions of the world arereflecting. We are in our definitions of the world as much as the world is in our definitions ofourselves. How we see ourselves in our stories impacts and reflects into how we see the world.And we are right and our experience will validate it. That’s rule number one of the rules ofengagement.

What is Communication?Communication. What does that mean? Communication involves the words we choose, the toneof voice we use, we pause, we didn’t pause, we blink, we swallow or our breath rate. We havethe capacity to communicate up to 72,000 of these messages in a minute as human beings toother human beings. When you are communicating your truth, you naturally attract people whoshare that same truth. This is Rule Number Two. The greatest human desire is to be right.Consciously and subconsciously, people attract other people who will make them right.

Our greatest desire isn’t to be loved;our greatest desire is to be right, even if it hurts.

Exercise: It’s Her Story and She’s Sticking to ItHow many people do you know who if they could just change one thing, they’d be happier? Butit doesn’t fit their story, as they know themselves. Think of somebody you know who wants tochange something about himself or herself but can’t seem to do it. It might be your spouse whowants to quit smoking, your sister who wants to lose weight, or your best friend who wants outof a bad relationship.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now, what in this person’s context would need to shift in order to make that change? Howwould he or she need to redefine his or her truth to make the new reality “right?”________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Most people don’t even understand how to shift their context, how their definitions are reflex-ive. That’s why it’s their story and they’re sticking to it. People will behave in a way that’s con-gruent with that myth.


Exercise: What’s Your Gig?This is not a writing exercise. This is an “observation from the bleachers” exercise. In this exer-cise, spend a little bit of time thinking about your gig. How often is it more important to you tobe right than to be happy when you communicate with people? How often is it more importantfor you to be right than to be quiet? Than to listen? How often is it that sometimes your versionof right doesn’t serve you?

Consider those times when your desire to be right hasn’t served you. Remember the argumentsthat you may have had in order to prove that you were right and in retrospect they only causedyou distress or damaged a relationship, proving your rightness didn’t serve you.

As you go through your day just think about it and watch others. Watch how sometimes whenpeople communicate their version their need to be right is actually what’s creating the problemmore than the problem as they define it. You’ll find this to be a very interesting exercise. Butplease don’t try to teach them or show them. Don’t try to tell them they’re wrong.

Once you become aware of your own powerful desire to be right, then you can be more tolerantof other people’s desire to be right. They don’t even know that that’s what’s driving the argu-ment. They’re not even aware of what you know about the four rules of engagement. They aresimply a victim to their feelings. They’re feeling a fear that they’re not being considered or thatthey’re not important or whatever other fear may be driving their need to be right in thatmoment. When you see it in yourself, you might find that it’s easier to forgive it in others.

What a Coincidence!A lot of people experience coincidence and aren’t really sure what it means or what to do withit. There are going to be some coincidences that you’ll notice as a result of listening to this pro-gram. This is because coincidence is based on awareness.

Your level of awareness is higher about these types of things: about the desire to be right, aboutthe fear that makes us want to try to control other people. And when this awareness is raisedand you see it in other people, avoid righteousness, avoid trying to teach them, avoid trying tojudge. That is human. What we experience is human.

Ours is to learn from it and to transcend it, to have higher levels of definition, higher levels ofmeaning, higher levels of behavior. Because that’s what you’re trying to do; you’re trying to getwhat you want more often with half the effort. You’re trying to achieve higher levels of happi-ness, success, peace, meaning, and understanding.

Three Steps When You Notice Someone (Even You) Needing to Be RightOne: When you notice it, notice it. Think, “My isn’t that interesting?”

Two: Think about it in the context of what you’ve learned.Three: Think about what you can learn from it.

To do this is to do all you need to do. Nothing more.


You Can’t Change My Mind!Rule number three: You can’t change anyone’s mind. Remember, our greatest desire is to beright. People care more about how much you care than about how much you know. If you try toteach them before you validate them, they will shut you down. That’s the way we all are. Wewant to be validated.

If we try to change someone’s mind without having them feel good about themselves, there’s avery good chance that they’ll put up their dukes, psychologically, emotionally, intellectually, evenphysically, and they won’t listen to a word we say.

You can’t change someone’s mind; it’s not your mind.

Session 5: THE 4TH RULE OF ENGAGEMENT:SHIFTING PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVE

Now for rule number four. You can’t change other people’s minds, but you can help shift theirperspective. How do we help shift people’s perspective? Through the power of influence. Yousee, to try to change their mind would be to try to control the secondary world, and we knowthat’s not possible. Control doesn’t exist in the secondary world. However, we are connected tothe secondary world, and we do have the ability in incredible ways to powerfully influence thatworld. And we do that by helping people shift their perspective. But before we help them shifttheir perspective, we have to honor theirs.

Exercise: The Jay Leno TechniqueThere are many ways to honor people’s perspectives without agreeing with them. One of theways is to pretend you’re Jay Leno, the talk-show host. You’re just interviewing them and theyare your honored guest. And there is an audience of people who actually cares about their per-spective and wants to learn more. Your job is to bring out the why behind their what’s, to findout why they feel the way they feel.

In this exercise, bring to mind someone with whom you usually disagree. It might be a co-work-er, your mother-in-law, or your annoying next-door neighbor. Practice asking questions aboutthe topic you disagree on. “Hmm, well, that’s interesting. Why do you feel that way? When didyou first notice that? Who else feels that way, that you know?”

The person I disagree with is:_____________________________________________________________The topic we disagree on most is: _________________________________________________________Write your interview here:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


When you do this with true curiosity and with a true goal of understanding and honoring theirperspective, you’ll find that the more people get to share with you their why behind their whatof their story, the more comfortable they become. The more they like themselves when they’rewith you, which is much more important and much more critical to making a connection thantheir liking you.

If we’ll let them be who they are, honor their perspective, they’ll start to like themselves whenthey’re with us, in which case we’ll get all the benefits and more than we would get if theywould actually like us.

Exercise: How Many People Like You?Think about how many people in your world like you. You’ve got a Rolodex or a Palm Pilot or aphone book; you’ve got a lot of people in your world who like you. What about the guy at thegas station? What about the person at the donut shop or the coffee shop? Not to mention thereceptionist, family and friends, spouses’ and partners’ families and friends, kids, their friends,neighbors, relatives, association members, employees, coworkers. You’ve got a number of peo-ple in your world who like you. Right? What’s that number? 100? 200? 50?Estimate it here: ________________________________________________________________________

Consider this question. How many of these people really know you? Not everyone really knowsall of you. Not everyone knows every aspect of you. Some people have never seen you angry.Some people have never seen your love. Most people have never seen you sexually. Some peoplehave never seen you intellectually. So all of these people like different aspects of you. Onlysome, if any, really know you. How many people really know you?Write that number here: _________________________________________________________________

It’s not important to get people to like you. That won’t help you get what you want. That’s a bat-tle you should never fight because you can’t control it. What’s important is that they like them-selves when they’re with you, whether it’s in business or in work. That’s what pays the dividendsthat you’re looking for. That’s what helps you make a connection with others, and that’s whathelps them want to connect with you. Quit trying to get people to like you. If there’s nothingelse you learn from this entire session, from this entire program, write that down.

Commit to helping people like themselveswhen they’re with you.

You see, short of our health, our happiness, and our spirituality, almost everything we want is cur-rently owned or controlled by someone else. And their willingness to help us get it isn’t based onhow much they like us; it’s based on how much they like themselves when they’re with us.

We can find the power in the higher meaning and the connection that we’re really looking for.We can use the rules of engagement to help others find their higher meaning.


Session 6: THE POWER OF LEARNING TO LET GO:DEVELOPING YOUR CAPACITY TO GROW

While much of life is complex and full of chance, many of the outcomes and circumstances ofour lives are the result of our choices and our behaviors. In learning how to get more of whatwe want with half the effort, we’re learning that we’re spending a lot of effort on things thatdon’t serve us. In order to stop experiencing outcomes that are less than what we want, we haveto trace back through that behavior chain that affects those outcomes.

As you know, it starts with our stories. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are. Some ofthose stories serve us, and some of them don’t. And we have our definitions, how we define theworld and how we define ourselves, which is reflective. Then we have our context, which canhelp us change what our stories mean. This all requires change.

Rather than infusing our stories and definitions and contexts that are negative, that don’t serveus, into a situation, we need to step back and take a look at the situation for what it is. We needto think about what response would serve us the best in spite of our bad definitions, stories, orcontexts. What we’re looking for is opportunities to let go. Opportunities to make changes.

That’s what heroes and heroines do. You know, in every great story, the hero or the heroine did-n’t have a charmed life throughout the story. They faced incredible challenge and crisis. It’s thechoices that they made as they faced their challenges that determined what they did so that theycould become heroes and heroines.

Exercise: Who Are Your Heroes?Whom do you admire? It could be someone you know, someone famous, a character from anovel, or someone else whom you look up to. What is their “gig”? What challenge and crisis didthey face? How could they have looked at the challenge negatively? What choice did they makeinstead?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Three Approaches to ChangeMost of us have one of three approaches when it comes to change. Picture yourself in a row-boat. You’re in the ocean. In the far distance you see an island. The boat’s sinking. You have abucket. There are three types of responses to this situation that represent the way most of uslook at change.

The first type of person will say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, there are tides, and the island is faraway. I’m not sure I could swim that far.” But when they feel enough pain, enough sense ofurgency, they’ll jump in the water and swim towards that island.


The second type of person will say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, and I don’t know if I could swimthat far.” Then, they’ll grab the bucket, and bail the boat, hoping against hope that they’ll drifttoward the island before they drown or die of exhaustion. They are clinging to what they have.

The third type of person will also say, “It’s cold, there are sharks, and I don’t know if I couldswim that far.” But when they feel enough pain and enough sense of urgency, or come to a high-er level of awareness of themselves in their situation, they’ll jump in the water and swim towardthe island, dragging the sinking boat with them. See, we don’t want to let go. But when it comesto change, letting go is the key.

Which type of person are you? Give an example:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The definition of a problem is the difference betweenwhat is and what you think should be.

You see, how we define a problem determines the solutions we will consider. If we think we cancontrol the world, and that’s a battle we want to fight, and all of a sudden the world doesn’twork the way we thought it should, we’re going to think the world’s broken. Then we’re going tothink we need to fix it. And we’re going to try to exert control in the secondary world wherecontrol doesn’t exist from our perspective, and we’re going to fail, to some degree. So the firststep of finding our power in a situation is to first accept the situation for what it is.

Our capacity to grow is directly related toour willingness to let go.

One of the first things we need to let go of are debilitating definitions and bad stories. Some ofthe problems that we think we face in this world we just project ourselves into.

Exercise: What Are You Willing to Let Go?The art of surrender has to do with letting go. We have to surrender the control that we thinkwe have over other people. We have to surrender bad definitions and stories. We have to surren-der the parts of ourselves that we’ve come to know as us and realize they’re not necessarily whowe are, they’re just our fears manifesting themselves in our behaviors and in our outcomes.


Which stories or definitions can you let go? Perhaps you had a difficult childhood. Maybe youhave ADD. Are you the victim of something? Write your story or definition here:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How is this definition holding you back? How would the hero or heroine you described earlierin this session define this? If you changed how you defined this problem, what new approachcould you take?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Your problems don’t exist separate and apart from the way you define them. And the way youdefine them determines the solutions you’ll consider. What you want will probably require thatyou change. That you change how you define your problem, so you can change how youapproach the solution.

Most people are trying to keep struggle and the pain that goes with it out of their lives com-pletely. We think that to struggle is bad, discomfort is bad. The fact is, we sometimes have to gothrough discomfort to get to greater comfort. And once you shift over, you’re going to be com-fortable again.

So in that problem, there was an opportunity to move, to change, to go through discomfort,which given your choice, you’d prefer not to have gone through. But you can’t stay static in adynamic world. It’s not a natural thing. The pain of that problem gave you an opportunity to getto greater comfort.

We live in a dynamic world. It’s changing. Business is changing; relationships are changing. Thegirl or guy you married is changing. Kids are changing. Partners are changing.

Everything will fall into one of two categories.You can either do something about it or you can’t.

If you can’t do something about it,put all of your energy into accepting it.


Session 7: TEN IDEAS AND ATTITUDES TO LET GO OF:FINDING TRUE PEACE

In this session, we’ll identify the top 10 attitudes, ideas, concepts, thoughts, that if we could letgo of them in our lives, we could find the peace that immediately follows surrender.

Ten Things to Let GoRegretAngerBlameGuilt

Pride and EgoInsecurityJealousy

“What If” ScenariosDebilitating Myths

Debilitating Definitions

RegretThe first one is regret. It’s been said that he who regrets loses twice. We can’t change what is; wecan’t change what was. If we spend time losing sleep over what was, we’re going to be too tiredto spend our energy trying to help change what could be. If you missed an opportunity, whetherit be an invitation to dinner or to study harder for a test or to get to know someone better or tosail around the world on a yacht, the opportunity of that moment went with that moment. Andno amount of regret is going to get it back. In fact, to want that opportunity back in a differentmoment may not be healthy because that opportunity may not bring with it all that it broughtthe first time around.

If you missed that opportunity the first time and it truly was an opportunity, fine. That’s a loss.Now you’re missing the opportunity of what you could be doing right now every time you thinkabout that loss.

Exercise: Where Do You Live?Following is a timeline representing your life. Check the box showing where you see yourself inyour timeline.

Birth ____________________________________________________________________________ Death


Now you may find it interesting where you put that X because you may put it in a different spotwhen you consider the fact that your life is, in all likelihood, almost halfway over. It might evenbe more than halfway over; based on the idea that time is relative.

Whatever lesson you draw from where you put that X is yours to have. It’s interesting; it’sneither here nor there.

That’s where you live. You live in the now. You’re a creature of the present, just like everyoneelse. We can’t live in any time other than the now. Our heart beats in the now. We breathe in thenow and we think in the now. We can imagine the future, but our imagining of the future hap-pens in the now.

Exercise: Regret Is FearThink about something that you regret. It might be giving up your dream of becoming an astro-naut, leaving your first wife, or not buying that stock when it was low. Consider what it was thatyou were afraid of when you missed the opportunity. Write in the following space your biggestregret and what you were afraid of.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you want to find any constructive opportunities in reviewing something that you regret doingor not doing, spend your time thinking about what you were afraid of when you made the deci-sion to do or not do that thing. Instead of experiencing regret as a second loss, turn it into a winby making it a lesson that’s yours to gain from.

AngerThe second thing we need to learn to let go of is anger. We know that all emotions are based ineither love or fear. We know that the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic systemprocess information based in love or fear. We also know that most anger is based in fear. Whenwe see something that bothers us or that we don’t think is good or right, we can disapprove of itwithout getting angry about it. So, when we find ourselves extremely angry about somethingthat we disapprove of or don’t like, chances are there’s something in there that scares us.

You can’t love anything you don’t accept.

The root of all love is acceptance. You can love your dog, you can love music, you can love yourspouse, and you can love your partner. Those are all different feelings. It’s one word describingall those different feelings, but in fact the concept of love needs to include, and have as its basis,acceptance. When we love ourselves, it’s not that we esteem ourselves, it’s not that we think weare the greatest things in the world next to sliced bread, it’s that we accept ourselves. When welove others, it’s the same.


Exercise: Where Is the Fear?

Describe a time when you were furious. What made you mad?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

What were you afraid of?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BlameNumber three is blame. Often the first thing we want to do when we see something that wedon’t like or don’t approve of, whether it’s in ourselves or in others, is find blame.

An important concept to understand is the idea of “you get to.” Other people have the right totheir actions. You don’t have to approve of it. Somebody gets you angry; somebody cuts you offon the highway. Guess what? They get to. It’s their world. Remember, the world’s a mess. It’salways been a mess, it’s always going to be a mess, it’s not ours to fix it. Galileo said that youcan’t teach others; they have to learn. They get to. Everyone gets to.

GuiltThe number four thing we should let go of is guilt. Guilt can sometimes keep us from doingthings but not help us understand things. If you want to not feel guilt, have contrition. Trulysay, “I’m never doing that again. I learned my lesson.” And then give yourself absolution for thatfor which you feel guilty.

There are a lot of things that we do in our lives that aren’t perfect. This is not to say that mur-derers who killed people didn’t do the wrong thing, it’s saying they have to live with it. Peoplewho did bad things and hurt people or took things from or lied to people, the way we’re allcapable of as human beings, they have to live with that. But once we absolutely say we’re notdoing that again, and ask for forgiveness from whomever we need to ask forgiveness from,whether it’s our higher power, our God, ourselves, or all of the above, we need to understandthat life is perfect. And one of the definitions of perfect in its truest form is having all the prop-erties that naturally belong to it.

What does that have to do with anything? Perfect is having all the properties that naturallybelong to it means there is no moment that is perfect more than the now.

Right now, your life has all the properties that belong to it. Every second, every minute, everyday, ever year that you’ve lived, accumulates in the now. And the now, according to that defini-tion, is perfect. And that’s what we should focus on.


Pride and EgoNumber five is our pride and our ego. It’s very difficult for us to let go of our pride and our ego.However, our pride and our ego get in our way of helping us see others as important, of servingothers, of helping others like themselves when they’re with us. It gets in the way of seeing our-selves in the way in which we can find our truest highest meaning — serving others and otherthings greater than ourselves.

Following is a prayer/affirmation you can use to get your ego out of the way. Photocopy thispage and cut out the prayer. This way you can carry it with you.

St. Francis of Assisi PrayerLord, make me an instrument of thy peace.Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon;Where there is doubt, faith;Where there is despair, hope;Where there is darkness, light;Where there is sadness, joy.

Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so muchseek to be consoled as to console;to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,and it is in dying to the self that we’re born to eternal life.

InsecurityNumber six is insecurity. We’re all insecure. We would do very well to admit that. We’d find lifeto be a little easier. Remember, M. Scott Peck said, “Life is difficult. The sooner you admit thatand realize it, know it, the easier life will be.” It’s that way with insecurity. Nobody has all theanswers.

Let’s look at life this way. You can lead with that insecurity, or you can go in spite of that inse-curity. If you were to play a game of chess, insecure that you might lose, you’ll never take a win-ning move. You’ll only play defensively. That’s not the way to play the game of life. We have toknow that we can lose; we have to know that we can be wrong. We have to know that we’reinsecure. We have to know that we’re created as imperfect human beings and know that’s okay.Then play to win.

Feel your insecurity and do it anyway!


Don’t think you can let go of insecurity and it’ll go away forever and you’ll never be insecure.We’ll always be insecure. We’re insecure beings. Instead, learn to act beyond the insecurity. Ifyou don’t let the insecurity affect how you’ll behave in this world, then your insecurity willbecome irrelevant.

JealousyJealousy is an emotion born out of both pride and insecurity. When we see other people ashappy or more successful than we are, that’s our insecurity talking. One of the reasons the Biblesays not to covet is because when we covet we can’t be happy. When we try to figure out whyother people have things we don’t have, we are not positioning ourselves to get it, either in thatpresent moment or in the future.

Exercise: The Jealousy BusterMake a list of all the things about yourself that you have reasons to appreciate, and then prac-tice appreciating those things. If you can’t do that yourself, call your best friend and ask him orher to list 10 things that he or she really respects and admires about you.

Things to Appreciate About Me1) ______________________________________________________________________________________2) ______________________________________________________________________________________3) ______________________________________________________________________________________4) ______________________________________________________________________________________5) ______________________________________________________________________________________6) ______________________________________________________________________________________7) ______________________________________________________________________________________8) ______________________________________________________________________________________9) ______________________________________________________________________________________10) _____________________________________________________________________________________

“What-If” ScenariosNumber eight, we need to let go of our “what-if” scenarios. These are the fear fantasies that wecreate for ourselves. A lot of us feel that if we don’t worry about things, we must not be con-cerned. We can be concerned, but we don’t have to let that healthy and compassionate emotionof concern turn into a debilitating emotion of worry.

Debilitating MythsNumber nine is our debilitating myths. We are the stories we tell ourselves we are, and some ofthose stories don’t serve us. Remember, it’s difficult to uncover our myths.

Debilitating DefinitionsNumber 10 is our debilitating definitions. Our definitions are self-reflective. We can’t see theworld and not see it through the context of ourselves.

We can’t define anything in the world without defining ourselves. We can’t define ourselveswithout having that definition project itself into the world. So when we see debilitating thingsin the world, when we feel negative about things in the world, we need to take a look at ourown definitions and see if we can find ourselves in there.


As an illustration of debilitating myths and definitions, let’s take a look at Maya and herthoughts as she goes through a typical day.

Action Thoughts

6:00 AM Get up “I want to sleep more!”

6:30 Get family up, make breakfast “Why won’t these kids get up without a fight?” “Should Igive them cereal again? If I were a good mother I’d bemaking them pancakes.” “Amy looks cute this morning.”“What am I going to eat? I’m too busy to eat this morn-ing.”

,7:00 Get ready for work “Oh, I need a haircut.” “Wow, look at all those gray

hairs!” “I don’t have anything nice to wear to work.” Ineed to do the laundry.” “Hey, that’s my favorite song onthe radio.” “My wrinkles are getting worse. Maybe Ishould get Botox.”

8:00 Leave “Ugh, why are these kids always fighting in the car?”“That’s a cute car. I wonder how much it costs?” “I hopeJimmy doesn’t fail his math test.” “I hate this traffic everyday!”

9:00 AM- 5:00 PM Work “These annoying clients are always interrupting mywork.” “Yum, jelly doughnuts!” “Why can’t I seem to getalong with anyone over in the Finance Department?”“I’m going to have to work through lunch again—don’tthese people see how hard I work?” “I think that projectturned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased.” “I am sotired. I wish I could just go home and take a nap.”“Almost time to go home—and do all my eveningchores…”

5:00 pm Drive home “Why is the talk radio only about murder and other badnews?” “I guess I’d better figure out what to make fordinner. Maybe fast food again?” “Oh good, Peter is home.Maybe he did the laundry.”

5:30-10:30 Evening at home “Great. Peter is sitting on the couch watching the news.Doesn’t he see that the laundry needs doing? Why do Ialways have to be the one who does everything?” “Thereis nothing for dinner. Maybe we’ll have frozen dinners.”“Hey this lasagna is pretty good.” “I wish there wassomething good on TV tonight.” “I need a vacation.”

10:30 Bed “I am so tired.” “I don’t want to get up again tomorrowmorning.”

Sound familiar? Even if you’re not a woman or a mother, you can probably relate to many ofMaya’s thoughts throughout the day. Did you notice how many of Maya’s thoughts were negative?


This is the thing. When people say, “Change your thinking and you’ll change your life,” these arethe thoughts they mean. We’re not talking about your grand intellectual thoughts on worldpeace. We are talking about changing the chatter that runs through your mind all day long.Those are the thoughts that build your life.

Let’s take another look at Maya, and change her thoughts to more empowering ones.

6:00 AM Get up “I sure like this cozy bed!”

6:30 Get family up, make breakfast “It must be hard for Amy and Jimmy to get out of theircozy beds too!” “I’m lucky that I’ve got some cereal in thepantry.” “Amy looks cute this morning.” “What am Igoing to eat? I’m glad they have food at work!”

7:00 Get ready for work “My haircut is growing out well.” “I bet I’m going to beone of those really elegant gray-haired ladies.” “Goodthing it’s casual day at work.” “I am so grateful that Ihave my own washer and dryer and don’t need to use alaundromat.” “Hey, that’s my favorite song on the radio.”“My wrinkles are a reflection of the life I have lived.”

8:00 Leave “It’s good that Amy and Jimmy are learning negotiationskills.” “That’s a cute car. I wonder how much it costs?”“I’m sure Jimmy will pass his math test.” “I’m glad thatthis traffic gives me extra time with my kids each day!”

9:00 AM - 5:00 PM Work “I am lucky to have so many clients who value me.”“Yum, jelly doughnuts!” “The folks over in Finance arereally giving me a chance to work on my conflict resolu-tion skills.” “I am a hard worker.” “I think that projectturned out pretty well. Frank will be pleased.” “I shouldtake a little walk and get re-energized.”” “Almost time togo home—and see my family!”

5:00 Drive home “I think I’ll listen to jazz.” “I guess I’d better figure outwhat to make for dinner. I’ll take this time in traffic andthink about what I really want.” “Oh good, Peter is home.I love my husband.”

5:30-10:30 Evening at home “Great. Peter is sitting on the couch watching the news.Maybe I’ll sit down next to him for a few minutes andcatch up.” “I am grateful to be the center of this family. Ihave created a happy home for us.” “Hey, this lasagna ispretty good.” “Since there is nothing good on TV tonight,I think I’ll read that new book I got from the library.”“I’m going to plan a vacation for next month.”

10:30 Bed “I worked hard today. I am so lucky to have such a fulland rich life. Many women would envy me.” “This bedsure feels cozy.”


Can you see the difference? Which Maya is going to feel instantly happier about her life?Obviously it’s the one who is thinking happier thoughts. You’ll notice that the basic elements ofher day are the same: fighting kids, traffic, fatigue, work, and chores. It’s how Maya chooses tolook at these things that determines how she is going to see herself.

After you’ve read this section, you’re going to notice that you are more aware of your thoughts.Good! If you’re having negative thoughts, don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s adding morenegative thoughts about having negative thoughts! Instead, just recognize that you are in alearning process, and think about what is positive in the situation. If you’re having trouble, ask,“What is the good in this situation?” Stay focused on the question, and in a few minutes theanswer will come to you. Over time, with practice, you’ll begin to make this a habit.

Exercise: Eliminate the NegativeNow it’s your turn. Try this exercise for that. Count the number of negative things that come outof your mouth in one day. It could be anything. “Oh, I hate being stuck in a traffic jam.” It caneven be stuff you think deserves your feeling negative about it. However, count the times thatyou notice those things and see if you like that number. The bad things in life jump up anddown and shout for our attention, and the good things sometimes just sit there quietly waitingfor us to point them out and notice them and celebrate them. We have to make sure that we’reaware first when we have negative thoughts and feelings.

We can have negative reactions to negative things. However, we’d be much more powerful inthis world if we have positive reactions to negative things. We won’t be victims; we’ll be morepowerful in the process. Be aware of the negative things in our lives. Be aware of the negativedefinitions that we have and whether or not we’re projecting those into the world and thenreacting to a reflective definition.

These 10 things we need to let go of; they take work. It takes ongoing work to develop our char-acter. It’s going to take you roughly a lifetime. It won’t take much less than that. Because as youlearn to be more peaceful, more loving, more happy to find the fear behind the anger, to let goof the jealousies and insecurities that get in the way of your relationships and so on, you’ll findnew levels of behavior, new heights that you can aspire to, and you’ll want those. However,you’ll find yourself happy while you want them, not unhappy till you get them. You’ll have dis-covered the art of surrender in getting what you want with half the effort.

Exercise: Why Can’t You Have It All?Write down the things that you think you can’t have in your life. Write anything — peace, love,happiness, joy, or adventure. Then write down why you think you can’t have those things.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


And when you’re done with that list, draw a big X through each one, one at a time. Pretendyou’re the lawyer for the opposing side and write down why that’s a complete load of junk andwhy you actually can have those things in your life.

Start focusing on the reasons you can have these things rather than the reasons that you can’t.You’ll start to realize that there’s less in your way than you thought and that these debilitatingmyths — meaning these myths that get in the way of your having the story that you want —aren’t necessarily true.

Session 8: THE POWER OF FAITH:THE ULTIMATE WEAPON AGAINST FEAR

This session is about strategic surrender and the power of faith. You know, the subject of faithis compelling to some, frightening to others, and misunderstood by most. Yet, when one consid-ers what it is that allows a human being to transcend and to grow, to even attempt to tap ahigher level of his or her potential, it’s faith. All the talent or skills in the world would be uselesswithout the courage to leave what we know and take ourselves into the unknown. And thatcourage comes from faith.

When we start from a realm that we know, and we want to leave that place to go to another life,a life that maybe gives us more happiness, more peace, or more power, we’re going to have toleave the familiar behind.

There are four main drivers behind what motivates us to venture into the experiential unknown:ignorance, curiosity, fear and faith. Ignorance is a great driver for us to learn things that wedon’t know. If you don’t know something is hard, it will be easier for you to learn somethingthan someone who has the preconceived idea that it is hard.

Curiosity is also a driver to help us move toward that which we don’t know. But curiosity does-n’t serve us sometimes because it can lead us into areas we shouldn’t be in.

Fear can be a driver — a very positive driver. It doesn’t have to be all bad. There are many peo-ple who are in shape physically, not because they want to look good, but because they are afraidof being overweight, or of getting cancer or a heart attack. So fear isn’t always a bad thing.

Exercise: What Drives YouIn the following spaces, give an example of a time when you were driven by ignorance, curiosi-ty, and fear. Perhaps you started to learn Japanese, but were ignorant of how hard it would be.Maybe you were curious to try sushi. Or, maybe there was a time when you took a job becauseyou were afraid to be without one.

Ignorance: ______________________________________________________________________________Curiosity: _______________________________________________________________________________Fear: ___________________________________________________________________________________


Of the four drivers that can help us experience a world that we don’t yet know, faith can be themost powerful.

Please understand we are talking about faith and not courage. Courage is quite misunderstood.Courage really is just another response to fear. In fact, great courage requires great levels offear. If you’re not afraid when you do something, then it isn’t courage when you act.

Faith is one of the most necessary and important tools we have as humans. Faith is such a toolbecause it can help get us past the biggest and most common barriers in our lives: fear.

Faith is the antidote to fear.

Let’s begin with what faith actually is. Faith isn’t belief. While similar to belief, it’s much morepowerful. Belief is largely based on expectation and hope, while faith is grounded in a firm con-viction that goes far beyond hope.

To change is to mature, and to mature is to go on creating one’s self endlessly. Life requires thatwe learn how to continuously step boldly into an unknown world that is beyond our control.While we are biological creatures of the present, living forever in the here and now, our liveswill be shaped by the way we approach the next present moment to come our way.

Most of us fear the unknown to varying degrees. Frankly, we’re smart to do so. We should bewary of that which we don’t know; otherwise we’d be fools. We’re more comfortable with thefamiliar than with the unfamiliar. Even if the familiar causes us discomfort, it’s a discomfortthat we know, and by nature we’re more comfortable with what we know than what we don’t.

When we want to change who we are or what we do in substantial ways, like losing 40 poundsor becoming wealthy or creating more loving relationships, we need to have a tool that goesbeyond mere logic and reason. We need a tool that will allow us to behave differently than we’velearned in the past. We need to make a leap of faith that compels us to behave in a certain waywith a firm conviction that if we do, something good will come of it.

In the context of the art of surrender, faith is the ultimate surrender. It requires that we surren-der all that we experientially know to something that we don’t know. If we do this correctly, anyfear that we may have had will go away. In this way, faith is the antidote to fear.

Faith and Religion Are Two Different ThingsQuite a few people in this country have a backlash to religion. The exclusionary nature of somereligions bothers many people today in this culture. For many reasons, formal religion doesn’twork for a lot of people. It doesn’t appeal to their sensibilities.

What’s important here is that we understand the difference between faith, spirituality, and reli-gion, and how faith in many forms, and in any form that you choose, can be a great tool for you.

Any religion, no matter what religion it is, is manmade. It’s based on a system of dogmas andpractices and beliefs that can lead you on a path toward righteousness using the power of faith.


In that way, religion is very effective. If you study religions throughout history, they have been avery effective tool in helping society learn and live in a way that allows people to exist for some-thing greater than themselves.

But faith and religion don’t necessarily have to be attached. If you don’t go to a synagogue or achurch or a temple and you don’t feel that you have religion in your life, it doesn’t mean thatyou have to turn away from and not be able to benefit from the power that faith can bring toyou in your life.

Faith is knowing that which you haveno real reason to believe.

Almost everyone has heard the term self-fulfilling prophecies. We know that we can bring aboutbad things in our lives just because we believe that that’s the story. We know also that we canbring about good things in our lives because we believe that that’s the story. But, it’s not belief,it’s faith. We actually have faith in the mythological power of the story.

What’s the difference between faith and optimism? Optimism is just believing that some goodoutcome will happen because it’s better to believe to be positive than to be negative. Optimismisn’t bad, but it can’t substitute for the power of faith.

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the distinctions between faith and religion, faith andoptimism, and the different types of faith, let’s talk about faith in trust, because faith requirestrust. And trust is one of the most misunderstood concepts.

Trust Is Given, Not EarnedAnother concept we’ve all heard is that trust isn’t just given, trust has to be earned. Well, that’sactually not true. It sounds good; perhaps it’s something we heard as we were growing up.Perhaps it was an effective tool that our parents used in raising us. But in the end, trust isn’tearned, it’s given. All the earning in the world can take place without trust. Trust doesn’t existuntil someone gives it.

Faith requires that kind of trust. You see, we can’t wait until whatever it is we have faith in tohave earned our trust. Instead, faith has to be given. That’s why they call it a leap of faith. It’snot a step, it’s not a test, it’s not a “let’s see how this goes.” Faith requires a leap.

Exercise: Take a LeapTo illustrate the concept of a “leap of faith,” think back to a time when you did that. Perhapsyou launched a new business with no guarantee it would work out. Perhaps you had a childwhen your life wasn’t completely ready. In the following space, write an example of a time whenyou trusted enough to take a leap of faith:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Is there a leap of faith you should be taking now?


Faith Is TransferableOne of the most amazing things about faith is that you can actually transfer it to someone elseand not lose it yourself. There are times we’ll do things for others that we won’t do for our-selves. For example, if you promise yourself to get up every day to work out, there are somedays that you might be tired or you don’t feel as well, and you say, “Well, maybe I can be betterif I get extra sleep versus if I work out today.” And you’ll talk yourself into sleeping in. Some ofus can do this.

However, if you have an appointment to get your car in or go to the dentist, you’ll be more trueto that appointment. We have a tendency to want to do things for others that we wouldn’t do forourselves. Even if you don’t feel compelled to experiment with learning how powerful faith canbe for you in your life, think about those you love. Think about how much you could help themin their lives with your faith. Maybe that’ll be enough to encourage you to experiment with thepower of faith in learning how it can be the antidote to fear.

Exercise: Give It AwayWho in your life has given you faith when you needed it? It could be a parent who believed youcould achieve something you didn’t think you could. It might be a boss who had faith that youcould handle a professional challenge. In the following space, write down an example of a timewhen someone transferred his or her faith to you.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now think of the times when you have faith and give it to someone else. To whom do you trans-fer faith? To whom could you give more?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

You’re Already FaithfulYou practice faith every day, when you get out of bed and go to work, when you get into a carand drive, you’re practicing faith that the person coming at you is not going to cross the lineand run into you. Without faith, how would you be able to continue to even do that?

Exercise: What Would You Do If You Could Not Fail?The next time you find yourself faced with fear fantasies of all the possibilities that could gowrong in your life, stop yourself. Say, “My, isn’t this interesting?” Then think about what youwould do if you knew you couldn’t fail. What would you do? Whom would you call? Whomwould you ask for help? What actions would you take?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Let those actions and those thoughts consume your psychic energy. Remember, you have onlyso much energy. If you direct it all with faith, there won’t be any energy left to feed your fears.And that will be the beginning of understanding the power of faith.


Session 9: HOW TO PROFIT FROM YOUR KNOWLEDGE:THE FIVE STEPS TO WISDOM

In this advanced day and age we’ve never been smarter about so many things. We’re a sophisti-cated society. We’ve got modern technology on our side. We know more about ourselves than weever have before. Yet, there have never been more people working so hard to be happy, workingso hard to find peace, working so hard and yet left feeling unfulfilled.

One of our challenges is that we confuse awareness and knowledge with wisdom. This sessiontalks about the differences between awareness, knowledge, and wisdom. Plotinus in ancientGreece said that knowledge, if it doesn’t determine action, is dead to us.

Why would Plotinus have any reason to make that statement back in ancient Greece if back inthe ancient times there weren’t know-it-alls? Just like today. What’s a know-it-all? A know-it-allis someone who knows what he or she should do but doesn’t profit from that knowledge. Itmust be a human condition, not just a condition of our time, for Plotinus to have noticed itback in his day.

Exercise: Are You a Know-It-All?For this exercise, identify at least one area in which you have the knowledge to manifest successbut aren’t applying it.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Five Steps to WisdomAwareness

ConsiderationExperimentation

ExperienceCommitment

In this session we’re going to make a distinction between the five steps to wisdom. The fivesteps are simple: They’re awareness, consideration, experimentation, experience, and commit-ment. You see, we don’t just know something and then start profiting from it. It’s not an auto-matic process like that. Instead, what we do is we unconsciously go through these five stepsbefore we can actually profit from our knowledge.


Awareness, the first step to wisdom. Clearly we have to become aware of something beforewe know it in any way at all. If you’re not aware of it, it doesn’t exist in your world. So you can’tknow anything you’re not aware of. You can’t consider anything you’re not aware of because itdoesn’t exist in your realm.

For example, in another session we talked about how under all anger is fear. Well, you may havehad an anger management problem your entire life and not known how to find the fear thatwas under or beneath or driving your anger. The awareness of that fact can lead you to start toconsider, experiment, and have more positive experiences with managing your anger. But untilyou became aware that fear feeds anger, you can’t know it. You can’t consider it; you can’texperiment with it. So in this regard awareness is, obviously and necessarily, the first step of thefive steps to wisdom.

The essence of learning begins with an awareness of ourselves. Until we do what’s necessary tobring unproductive definitions and contexts to our conscious awareness it will not be possiblefor us to take the next step. Like everything else that leads to human growth, acquiring wisdomis a process, and that process begins with awareness.

Exercise: Develop AwarenessIn the previous exercise you identified one area in which you have the knowledge to manifestsuccess, but aren’t applying it. When did you become aware of the area? For example, if thearea is losing weight, when did you first become aware of the concept of weight loss?________________________________________________________________________________________

The second step to wisdom is consideration. As you’ve been listening to the concepts andstories and thoughts in this program, you’ve become aware of some things perhaps that youweren’t aware of before. The next automatic step that your mind went to was to consider themin your life.

The distinction between being merely aware of something and considering something is thatyou enter yourself into the equation. You’re not just aware of an objective fact that exists alonein the universe, you’re now considering what does that mean to you.

Exercise: Consider ThisAt what point did you begin to consider the area as it related to you? In our weight-loss exam-ple, when did you realize that you, personally, could benefit from losing weight?________________________________________________________________________________________

In other words, if it doesn’t serve me, if it doesn’t have a positive effect on me, how could Imake it serve me? How can I change the meaning of that myth? How can I change its effect onmy life? In this way, consideration is a natural human step. Once we become aware of some-thing, in order for it to have meaning for us, we need to go to the step of consideration. How dowe fit into that? How does it affect us?

Many of us go through life unaware of that which we feel, unaware of why we feel it, evenunaware of things that we know or how we know them or why we know them or how we came


to know them. You know, for example, on some levels, the stories that drive you. Yet you’reunaware perhaps that they drive you. You’re unaware perhaps of how they affect who comes intoyour life and how it affects the circumstances of your life. We don’t consider what they mean interms of the happiness and the outcomes, the peace, the power that we might be looking for.

Exercise: Spend Some Time AloneGive yourself time to consider. I love the quote by Thoreau when he said, “Sometimes as I idlysit on Walden Pond, I cease to live and begin to be.” Stop thinking about deadlines and commit-ments and tasks and goals, and just consider.

You know, we enter each age of life as a novice. You’re now this age. You’re now at this time, inthis world, which hasn’t existed before. Who are you? How do you feel? What does it mean?What are your truths? Do they serve you? And so on. And this consideration, not of things, butof ourselves, helps us become more aware of what we know, more aware of who we are, andleads to greater consideration of Is what we know and is who we are going to lead us to whatwe want?

For this exercise, find a way to spend time alone daily. If you have to get up 15 minutes earlierfor work and go sit in a parking lot somewhere or in a park somewhere in your car because thehouse is a zoo in the morning, then do it! Whether or not you come to any great realizationsabout yourself, you’ll find one outcome. You’ll have much more patience and much more timefor others because you’ll stop blaming them for the time that you don’t have for yourself.

True consideration is the necessary second step on the path to wisdom. It’s a step we have totake in order to profit from any new awareness we may have. It allows us to think about howwe might use this new information, this new awareness, in order to form a more positive andedifying context that will allow us to shift our perspective and create better outcomes for our-selves.

Consideration leads to the third step: experimentation. What is real experimentation?Experimentation is an operation undertaken to discover some unknown principle or effect. Inother words, it’s the process of gaining knowledge through trial and error. We can’t know theoutcome of what we’re experimenting with until we experiment with it.

For us, the experiment is the act of doing. The experiment is acting on that which we’ve consid-ered. It sounds as if that would be an easy thing to do. If we became aware of something andwe considered it and it sounded good or positive to us, then we’d want to experiment with it.But let’s keep in mind, we are more comfortable with that which we know than that which wedon’t.

To experiment requires that courage and that faith that we talked about. At this stage, we’redealing with something that by definition we don’t yet know. Because if we knew it, it wouldn’tbe an experiment.

Experiment doesn’t require a leap of faith. An experiment is like a step, you can keep one footon the ground while you place the other one in front of you, see how it feels and then lift yourback foot up. So experimenting with new concepts isn’t as daunting as taking a leap of faith.


Exercise: Experiment!In the area we’ve been talking about, have you experimented? If so, what have you done? In ourweight-loss example, what experiments have you done?________________________________________________________________________________________

The fourth step to wisdom is experience. Now we need to make a distinction between experi-ment and experience. It’s difficult to have an experience before experimentation because by itsvery definition, we can only experiment with things in order to have that experience of knowing.

Once you experiment with your awareness of how to make a cake, for example, you’ll have anexperience; you’ll have a cake.

This sounds obvious. But please understand, it’s not. It’s not obvious to most people in their reallife, because most people are merely aware — most people don’t know how to profit from theirknowledge. If they did, Plotinus’ words wouldn’t be so true today when he says, “Knowledge, ifit doesn’t determine action, is dead to us.” People wouldn’t know more about how to be happyand yet still be unhappy.

Exercise: ExperienceIn the above area, after you experimented, what did you experience? Again using the weight-lossexample, have you experienced losing weight? If so, when?________________________________________________________________________________________

There’s more information about how to live a fulfilled and meaningful life available to someonetoday with no money, with no resources, than ever before in history perhaps. Yet, people arestill out searching, looking for their meaning, trying to buy their happiness, trying to find it inother people and relationships and jobs and so on. So if this sounds obvious, look around andnotice that sometimes common sense isn’t common.

Wisdom is knowledge put to work.

Now we’ve gone through four of the steps, awareness, consideration, experimentation, andexperience. But we still don’t have wisdom. What we have now is mere knowledge. Knowledgeis good. They say knowledge is power. It’s not true. What you do with knowledge is power. Toknow something alone and not do anything with it is not power. We need the fifth step to profitfrom our knowledge, and doing so is wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge put to work.


The fifth step is commitment. It’s wholehearted commitment that puts knowledge into action.Once we’re truly committed, we won’t keep sticking our toe in the water and pulling it back.We’ll have the courage to dive in right through the wave and come out wiser on the other side.As the Scottish writer W. H. Murray put it in The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, “Until one iscommitted, there’s hesitancy.” That moment one definitely commits oneself, the providencemoves too.

Commitment starts to put the universe to work for you. Commitment is more than decision.Decision happens in an instant. Commitment happens over time.

When we truly commit to our self-development, to getting what we want more often with lesseffort, to focusing on the things that will really bring us what we want, we’ll have the couragewhen life is most challenging, when we’re faced with the most adversity, to experiment in thosetimes of adversity with what we know we should do, not go back to what we’re comfortabledoing. Not to give a knee-jerk reaction and get mad because that’s how we’ve always handledadversity in the past, but perhaps to consider our desire to be right or our negative stories andhow they’re driving us, how they’ve driven us in the past but don’t have to drive us in the future,and so on. Commitment gets us through those moments positively. And that’s how we build ourcharacter.

If you’ll commit to the five steps of wisdom combined with using the four rules of engagement,just those sections of this program, you’ll get more of what you want more often, and you’ll behappier in the process.

See, through commitment we use the power of time. Life can simply be broken down to timeand energy. We are creatures of the moment. How we spend that energy now affects our futurein ways we can’t even comprehend. If you use the power of commitment you’ll be investing inthe certainty of time. And you’ll benefit in ways from that that you can’t imagine because you’llbe putting your knowledge to work for you.

Exercise: Make the CommitmentIn the following space, make the commitment to put your knowledge into action. In the areayou’ve been working on in this session, make the commitment to use the knowledge and takeaction. TO COMPLETE — PRINT THIS PAGE — FILL IN YOUR COMMITMENT ANDSIGN IT. KEEP THIS COMMITMENT WHERE YOU WILL SEE IT EVERYDAY.

My Commitment:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________Date and Signature


Session Ten: HAPPINESS AS A WAY OF LIFE:CHERISH THE CHASEAS MUCH AS THE TROPHY

In this session we’re going to talk about happiness. Happiness, not as moments of happiness,but happiness as a way of life.

If you’re like most people, you spend a great deal of your life looking for happiness in the wrongplaces. We spend a great deal of our lives wanting one thing but looking to something else tofind it. We think that if someone loves us we’ll be happy. We think that if we have money we’llbe happy. We think that if our circumstances change we’ll be happy.

Chances are, if you took a poll in this country and asked people if they’re happy, most peoplewill say that they are about as happy as they could be given their circumstances. Yet, if you askpeople if circumstances in life dictate happiness, most people will say no. You have to find yourown happiness. So where’s the disconnect?

Exercise: I’ll Be Happy When…Make a list of all the events or situations that you think would make you happy. Maybe it’s whenyou have enough money that you don’t have to worry about the future. Or, when you can retireor when you get married, when you have a baby, when the kids get married, when they havekids, when you move into a bigger house, etc.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now think about how many of those things you used to think would make you happy havealready happened. Ask yourself if they have really brought you to higher levels of happinessconsistently in your daily life. Think about how that implies that given your current context,you’ll never be happy.

Next, think about people who have all those things. Are they stress free? Are they problem free?Are they happy at the level that you’re seeking in your life? Perhaps what you’ll see when you dothis exercise is that to postpone our happiness for some future circumstance that we can’t con-trol is foolish. It’s not based in any reality; it’s just based on some story, some context that wemade up that if and when this happens, we will be happy.


If we really, truly are serious about wanting to be happy,we have to stop attaching happiness to some of

the things that we aspire to in our lives.

It’s good to aspire; it’s good to test out our capacities. As we’re able to create more accomplish-ments and achievements in our lives, our capacities rise. Very rarely will a person say, “You knowwhat, this is the best I can do at everything I’m doing.” The human capacity doesn’t work thatway. We grow to another level and our capacity grows again, once again, beyond our reach.

So to say that we’ll be happy when we have some level of achievement based on our currentreality is to put off our happiness perhaps forever, because in our future reality, we will raise thebar of what we want. And then we’ll attach that happiness to that new level of achievement.This is a recipe for never bringing happiness and peace into our lives.

Many things can interfere with our happiness in the present. Our fears, our anxieties about ourfutures, and our regrets about the past can all hold us back from experiencing happiness rightnow. Our capacity to be happy in the future is directly related to our ability to find happiness inthe present.

Don’t Miss the Music of the MomentRegardless of our circumstances, we all have our difficult passages in life. While we’re goingthrough those passages, we have to remember that we’ll get through them. We’ll be okay. As amatter of fact, we may even learn something from them and grow from them. But in the mean-time, people are listening to what’s coming out of the end of our horns. They’re deciding that’swho we are. And they’re deciding, based on who we are, how they’ll treat us. But worst of all,we’re missing the music of the moment.

Too often we tune into the static and the noise, and we miss the music. Sometimes we eventreat the people that we love the most the worst while we work toward the happiness that we’relooking for.

Get Out of the Way!When it comes to happiness, there are two things that get in the way. One is that we don’t livein the now. Another is that we regret. We don’t live in the now because we regret things or welong for things. We’re mortgaging our happiness for some other time that exists, forgetting thatwe will never exist in another time. We will only ever exist in the now.

Exercise: Things That Make Me Go “Ahhhh…”For this exercise, take 60 seconds and list anything and everything that you appreciate in yourlife. Write down anything and everything that brings you any level of happiness, joy, or giggles.What might happen is that you may start to write and think, “Hmm… I don’t like this thatmuch.” There are a lot of things in your life that make you feel good. They may not make youhappy, they may not qualify for out-and-out belly laughter, they may not qualify for nirvana, butthey do make you feel good. That’s what goes on this list.


Things that make me feel good:

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now, how do you feel? Do you feel happier right now than you did before you started this exer-cise 60 seconds ago? You probably do. What you’ve just discovered with your experiment is thathappiness is in fact a byproduct; it’s not an end product.

Happiness is something that ensues,not something that can be pursued.

Happiness is a byproduct of appreciation. What you did is you used the principle that we onlyhave so much psychic energy at any one point in time. So by forcing you to think of everythingyou like, we used all of your psychic energy, brought all of that attention to that which youliked. When that happened, as you focused on those things, your appreciation for those thingsrose. Your appreciation went up as you brought your psychic energy to those things. And asyour appreciation rose, your level of happiness rose. That’s how happiness works. That’s whymost people that chase happiness can’t get it. It’s like grabbing water. Happiness is a byproductof appreciation.

So, practice cultivating your appreciation. As you go through your day, voice your appreciation,internally, externally, however you can, for the things that you like and appreciate. Practiceappreciating, practicing noticing what you appreciate, and practice sharing what you appreciatewith the people who are around you. You’ll find that pretty soon you’ll be pretty good at beinghappy now.

This is not necessarily going to be easy. It requires effort in the moment. It requires the effort ofbringing your psychic energy to that which serves you, to good context, good definitions.Cultivating your happiness by cultivating your appreciation. And it’s basic. But it’s about prac-ticing the basics.

In fact, if you practice these basics and you make them a part of your life, you’ll be amazed as abonus that you’ll have all the things you were looking for and it won’t be half as hard as youthought. And as a byproduct, you’ll be happier in the process.


Session Eleven: BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN WHATYOU KNOW AND WHAT YOU DO

In this session, we’ll talk about how you can best bridge the gap between what you know andwhat you do. What really counts in life isn’t what we know, it’s how much we’re able to do withwhat we know.

A good definition of the true measure of one’s intelligence should be measured by somethingcalled the TQ, or the time quotient. The time quotient is the amount of time that passes betweenwhen we become aware of something and when we actually profit from our knowledge.

There is nothing between you and beginning this process of shortening the time between aware-ness and action. Here are some actions you can start taking today.

Number One: Make everyone your teacher. We don’t pride ourselves to our lessons, we hum-ble ourselves to our lessons. But sometimes we forget that. You see, humility is the key for us, ifwe really want to be students. And the other part of that humility is making everyone ourteacher, not just people that we admire and respect, but also when we see people do things thatwe don’t admire, don’t respect, or perhaps don’t even like.

In making everyone our teacher, let’s also make sure that we understand that no one is perfect.A lot of us, as students, look for that perfect teacher until we find that perfect flaw. And thenthey’re no longer our teacher. Instead, have a number of people who are your teachers, and eachone of them can teach you different things. In our lives we’re surrounded by people who are lessthan Christ-like, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t teach us something or be our role models.

Exercise: Who Was Your Teacher Today?Think back to today, or yesterday. Identify one person who was your teacher because he or shewas someone you respected and admired. Who was it, and what did he or she teach you? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now, identify another teacher from today or yesterday. Choose this person because you didn’trespect, agree with, or admire what the person was doing. What happened, and what did youlearn? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Number Two: Practice accepting reality. Remember, we talked about how if we don’t acceptreality, we’re flirting with insanity. One of the ways that we should accept reality is to say,“There isn’t going to be a time in my life when pain doesn’t exist, when stress doesn’t exist,when worry doesn’t exist, when problems don’t exist. I’m a human being and these things existin the human condition. What I have to do is learn to cultivate my appreciation while thesethings happen.”


You can choose to be happy and learn to be happy in a world full of problems. Remember, theworld’s a mess, it’s always been a mess, and it’s not ours to fix it. It’s ours to learn how to behappy and effective in it.

Now one of the things about accepting reality is to understand that happiness and unhappinessdon’t exist separate and apart from each other. They exist at the same time in different levels. Atany point in time we are feeling some level of happiness. And at the same point in time we’refeeling some level of unhappiness. When we begin to grade things, we focus our psychic energyon perhaps the things that we don’t have. We may pull ourselves and be compelled to start think-ing in negative terms. When we learn to accept this perfect reality, which is less than ideal in ourminds, we can also balance that by making sure that we’re practicing celebrating life.

Number Three: Practice using the power of context. Remember, it’s very difficult for us toget to our myths or our driving truths, our stories. But it’s not difficult for us to shift the con-text. It’s difficult for us to deny how we feel; as a matter of fact it’s almost impossible to denyhow you feel. But it’s not difficult to change what something means. In shifting our context wehelp find power in a process rather than feeling victimized by it.

A lot of times when people bring their problems to us, the first thing they want is for us tohonor their pain. Sometimes we can solve their problem instantly and so we do. And then theydon’t seem quite happy with us at the moment because we didn’t honor their pain.

Once we’ve sufficiently honored their pain, when we’ve honored them and their perspective, wecan begin to help them with their problem. Instead of solving their problem, help them find acontext where they can find power in their problem.

Exercise: Help Someone ElseIdentify someone in your life who has a problem. How can you help that person shift the con-text and find the power in the problem?

Who is the person? ______________________________________________________________________What is the problem? ___________________________________________________________________What is his or her current context? _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________What is a new way of looking at the situation? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Number Four: Reduce the amount of clutter in your life. This program has talked a lotabout removing the amount of clutter in our minds, choosing our strategic battles, choosing ourstrategic surrenders, fighting only the battles that we know we can win, letting go of the thingsthat we can’t. Having faith to do so.

This translates to physical clutter as well. Clearing out the clutter in your life will allow you tofocus more on what you really love and what really makes you happy.


Exercise: Get Rid of the junkGo through your drawers and your closets and your rooms, and if you find anything that youhaven’t used in a couple years, box it up and put it away. Anything that you use daily, make sureyou can get to it quite easily without having to move something. And anything you just use oncein a while can go on a higher shelf or toward the back of the drawer. Organize your life in termsof that usefulness. If there is anything you haven’t used in over three or four years, throw itaway. You don’t need it. You don’t need to have it around you unless it has some really strongemotional attachment to it.

Now this may be difficult for some of you to do because we like our stuff. We’ve accumulatedour stuff. As a matter of fact we keep accumulating stuff; we have some stuff that is other peo-ple’s stuff that we’re now holding because it was their stuff and we’re holding it for them.

Take a look at your life and the way you’re organized and say, “You know what? I haven’t wornthese clothes in five years; chances are I’m not going to. Let me give them away. You know, Ihaven’t used this piece on my desk for years. It’s been sitting there from a convention that Ibrought back that I said I would get to and I’ve never gotten to it.”

Take the time to clear your life out and take a look at your physical surroundings with new eyesso that you can take a look at yourself with new eyes. These things have a tendency to some-times have an ability to be psychic anchors. And while some psychic anchors are good, somearen’t. You’ve admitted that in order for you to get what you want more often, you’ll have tolearn to approach your life differently. That’s what this program is about. So give yourself achance to see yourself differently; perhaps move your bed to the other side of the room.

You know how when you get a new car you sometimes take a look at your life differently orwhen you move or paint a room or reorganize it, you just feel differently about your lifebecause you’ve changed your familiar surroundings. It’ll break your patterns that you have fromwhen you get up in the morning, when you sit down and have your cup of coffee, when you goto work. Break some of those patterns. It’s part of learning to let go. And it will help you seeyourself in a new light.

These are just some of the things that you can do to begin the process. This is a process thatbegins with the way you see yourself. When you can see yourself differently, you’ll see a differ-ent world and you will respond naturally to the world you see.

In this process that we’re in, it’s important that we remember to accept, adjust, and advance.Life is a journey and where we are is perfect. It’s where we are. Now we adjust and we keepgoing.


Session Twelve: HOW TO LEAVE A GREAT LEGACYHumans are the only species capable of contemplating our own mortality. Our death frightens usand yet we’re compelled to consider it. This, then, compels us to contemplate the meaning of life.

Practically every one of us has at some point thought about how we’ll be remembered afterwe’re gone. It’s a central fact of human nature that we all want to believe our living has hadsome purpose and that we’ll in some way leave our mark on the world for having been here.That’s the ultimate expression of the second rule of engagement. Our greatest desire is to beright. The greatest validation of our rightness would be to have lived a life that in some waydenies our mortality, a life that is bigger than ourselves, a life that transcends our own time onthis earth. We want to leave our mark.

The best way to leave a great legacy is to forget about it. We would be better off treating a lega-cy the way we treat happiness, as a byproduct of a life well lived. If we could learn throughmindfulness, through bringing all we are to all we do, each moment at a time, through accept-ing reality for all of the less-than-ideal things that it brings to us, and choose a context in whichwe can find our power in the reality of the moment rather than be a victim to it, we will havelived a life well lived, and that will be legacy enough

Sometimes we get confused between our job and life.

This is how we can learn to be the living example of that to which we aspire. And that’s thegreatest legacy we can leave anyone, to show him or her that it’s possible to be happy in amessed-up world.

Final Exam: Who Is in Your Way?For this final exercise, you are to write down the names of the people who have been in the wayof your success. Who has been blocking you from happiness and success? Write down theirnames here:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


How to tell if you passed the final exam.Is your name on the above list? If not, it should be. In fact, it should be the only name on thatlist. Cross out everyone else who is on the list except yourself. Because, until now, you havebeen the only one blocking yourself from authentic power. With the strategies you’ve learned inthis program, though, that block can be gone.

It’s possible to have power in an out-of-control world. While it’s not possible to win every battle,it is possible to strategically choose our battles and win the important ones while we strategical-ly surrender the rest.

YOU CAN CHOOSE SUCCESSA NOTE AND SPECIAL GIFT FROM JOE CARUSOThank you for listening to The Principles of Authentic Power. Think about how you felt beforeyou ordered this program or before you listened to this program, when you were merely awareof it because friends told you about it or you read about it or saw it somewhere. You had hope.You had hope that what this title and the descriptions and the package and the marketingpromised would help you manifest what you were looking for in your life.

However, now that you’ve finished listening to it, and you’ve actually taken the action to openlyconsider and objectively consider these concepts and how they might be able to help you inyour life, you need to go beyond hope; you need to go to faith. You need to be able to experi-ment with these concepts. You need to bring them into your life and test them in your realitiesto see if they can work for you. But when you test them, you need to test them with a firm con-viction of faith, because that will determine the outcome to a great degree.

Through years of study, discipline and practice, I have developed a list of simple, powerful, andeffective truths and perspectives that I call “Success Strategies.” I’m including them here as aspecial gift for Nightingale-Conant customers. I hope these strategies help you discover yoursuccess. Try choosing one strategy per day and use it throughout your day. Remember, whenyou test these, do so with a firm conviction of faith, because that will determine the outcome toa great degree.

Success Strategies

• Realize that you are successful. You can’t be successful and not realize it.

• Label all your emotions as either love or fear.

• Take responsibility for your own happiness; stop blaming others.

• Learn the power of commitment.


• Give yourself time alone regularly.

• Admit that your thoughts, attitudes, behavior, and actions determine who’s in your life andhow they treat you.

• Define yourself.

• Share your goals with others.

• Discover the power of sincerity and honesty.

• Look for reasons to laugh.

• Openly and sincerely compliment what you admire and respect.

• Realize that your egocentricity is your biggest enemy.

• Discover the true meaning of faith and commit to it.

• Realize that at least 90 percent of everything you’ve ever worried about never even happened.

• Know that you can’t be successful and be unhappy.

• Realize that some people are toxic and should only be handled with great care and properprotective precautions.

• Realize that you’re always in a negotiation, if not with others, then with yourself.

• Know that guilt is an effective parent but an awful teacher.

• Understand that it’s not what you know but what you do that counts.

• Identify anger, guilt, fear, hatred, jealousy, animosity, and insecurity as poisons and stop tak-ing them.

• Discover that you’re either helping or hurting everyone you meet; and now that you know this,you’re responsible.

• Learn that wisdom is knowledge put to work.

• Understand the difference between acceptance and resignation.

• Know that love has nothing to do with wanting to be needed. That’s insecurity.

• Discover that the significant difference between a dream and a vision is action.

• Know that true power is learning to respond rather than react.

• Discover that love, acceptance, sincerity, and patience can solve almost any problem.

• Realize that tenacity and focus are more valuable than raw talent.

• Decide that you deserve to be happy.

• Embrace the fact that true happiness is born of the ability to enjoy the moment.

• Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy.

• Understand that life is perfect and everything is on schedule.

• Learn the power of acceptance.

• Avoid identifying yourself by your causes.


• Realize that achievement is not success.

• Realize that your life is an interactive game; it can’t be played alone.

• Know that you can’t experience hatred without also experiencing fear.

• Commit to improving your verbal and written communication skills. Poor communication isthe cause of most problems.

• Write down all the things you know “beyond the shadow of a doubt” and commit to them.

• Allow people to discover; avoid trying to tell them.

• Discover that the most powerful way to help those you love is to lead by example.

• Realize that vanity is poison, laughter is medicine, and love is at once the action and thereward.

We’re all unique; we’re all different people. But we’re all in this together alone. What I’ve triedto do in my life is live my life the best I can and share my lessons with others in ways thatmight inspire them to live a better life. And to have more of what they want. And to stop strug-gling with battles that they not only can’t win, but shouldn’t.

I hope that this program has done that for you. I encourage you to listen to your favorite partsagain, and even the parts that perhaps you didn’t agree with, to look for the nuggets there. Letme be your teacher, whether you agreed with me or not.

The rest is up to you. The consideration, the experimentation, the experience is yours left tohave. And then make that commitment to do what you can do to stop fighting the battles thatyou don’t need to fight.

We wish you well on your journey, and we’d like to remind you that the happily ever after thatyou’re looking for will come, but it will come one day at a time.

Good luck and may you find your authentic power! If you have any questions or comments, orwant more information, visit my website at http://www.carusoleadership.com.

Sincerely,Joe Caruso


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The Principles of Authentic Power