The Review Must Go On - Script

"The Review Must Go On"

By

Doug Walker

Rob Walker

January 10, 2013

This material is the property

of Channel Awesome and is

intended solely for use by its

personnel and other authorized

persons. Distribution or sale

to any unauthorized persons or

duplication in whole or in

part is strictly forbidden.

INT. STUDIO

We see a black mug marked D. It’s Donnie’s mug. He picks it

up, and while humming a tune, places it under the coffee

machine. He flicks a switch, and the machine starts whirring

as liquid pours into the cup. He goes to pick up a camera

and returns. His mug is now a solo cup. The liquid stops

pouring, and he picks it up. Donnie examines the cup and

sniffs it and puts on a funny face like he smells something

foul. He shrugs and leaves into the writing room. Tacoma is

waiting for him.

TACOMA

So, we doing this?

DONNIE

Yeah, I just needed to get some

coffee.

Tacoma looks at Donnie funnily.

TACOMA

That’s water.

Donnie stops smiling and awkwardly looks into the cup. After

staring for a few seconds, he realizes that it is water.

DONNIE

So it is.

TACOMA

Come on, let’s get started.

He exits the frame, as Donnie continues to stare into his

cup. Eventually, he follows Tacoma.

CUT TO:

We see Donnie at a table. He’s blandly staring at the ground

with a flat expression on his face. Rebecca and Tacoma are

discussing happily.

REBECCA

This is gonna be so good.

TACOMA

It’s perfect!

REBECCA

Wow, this is some of your best

work.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

TACOMA

Thanks, but your input really made

it come full circle.

REBECCA

What’s a movie without rabid

monkeys?

TACOMA

Exactly!

REBECCA

No one does that anymore!

TACOMA

Never. We’ve seen rabid raccoons

and squirrels, simians...

REBECCA

So, Donnie, what do you think?

Donnie doesn’t hear her.

REBECCA’S VOICE (V.O.)

Come back.

Rebecca’s voice is unsettling.

DONNIE

Huh?

REBECCA

Earth to Donnie. You listening or

not?

DONNIE

Oh, sorry. Where were we?

TACOMA

Well, I think it’s time to film

something different. Something

other than a remake.

DONNIE

OK. I’m with you.

REBECCA

How are you with Carmen Sandiego?

Donnie appears confused.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

DONNIE

A... Carmen Sandiego movie?

REBECCA

Except we don’t half-ass it like

all those other video game movies.

We throw everything we can into it.

TACOMA

For example: It opens up with the

assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

REBECCA

Except Lincoln turns around and

blows John Wilkes Booth away.

Donnie still appears mystified.

DONNIE

How is that possib-

TACOMA

Carmen Sandiego has stolen a time

machine and she’s going back

through history settling all of

history’s greatest scores.

REBECCA

Killing Hitler, letting Crazy Horse

win... and then stealing all their

shit.

TACOMA

So the police are not only trying

to arrest her, but also trying to

award her the medal of honor.

DONNIE

Cool, I like it. Makes her complex.

TACOMA

First things first. All our hopes

rest on the Nostalgia Critic.

People will love that.

Donnie appears surprised.

DONNIE

What did you say?

TACOMA

I said all our hopes rest on the

nostalgia. Critics love that and

people will too.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

DONNIE

Hm. Well, obviously we have our

leading lady.

Tacoma looks confused.

TACOMA

We do?

DONNIE

Yeah, Rebecca.

Tacoma still looks confused.

TACOMA

She a friend of yours?

Donnie looks even more confused.

DONNIE

And yours.

Tacoma still draws a blank.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Dude, what the hell’s wrong with

you? She’s sitting right there.....

He points to where Rebecca was sitting earlier. However,

nobody’s there. He slowly moves back. Tacoma looks nervous.

TACOMA

Donnie, are you okay?

DONNIE

How many people work here?

TACOMA

Four. You, me, Quinn, and Carl.

DONNIE

You never heard of a woman named

Rebecca Stone who did a one-woman

Titanic, beat a turkey to death and

wears a t-shirt that says Malkovich

Equals Balls?

Tacoma looks into what’s inside Donnie’s solo cup.

CUT TO:

Donnie sits blankly at a table. His head rests on his hands.

A drink is placed in front of him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

QUINN

A cup of warm Irish milk. Just like

me grandmother used to make every

night before she’d go to bed.

Donnie sips the drink.

DONNIE

This tastes like microwaved

Bailey’s.

QUINN

There’s more alcohol in that.

Donnie sits the drink back on the table and sighs.

DONNIE

Could it be I possibly fabricated a

person out of nowhere? It can’t be.

She seemed so real.

TACOMA

Nope. It’s always been just you,

me, and Carl.

DONNIE

And Quinn.

TACOMA

Who?

Donnie slams his fist on the table. He then points in the

direction of the fridge.

DONNIE

Qui....

However, Donnie realizes once again that there’s nobody

there. A shocked look hits him.

TACOMA

Is Quinn the refrigerator?

Donnie stands up. He starts walking around the table,

approaching the camera.

DONNIE

He’s not the refrigerator. Quinn?

Quinn?!

No response.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Who gave me this warm Bailey’s?

TACOMA

That’s not Bailey’s. That’s

Yoo-Hoo.

Donnie spits the drink out.

CUT TO:

Tacoma’s sitting at a computer.

TACOMA

I searched the whole internet.

Public records. Everything. There

is no Quinn.

DONNIE

But Carl...

TACOMA

works alone.

CARL

So, are we done with this little

interrogation or what?

DONNIE

Yeah. Yeah, you can go.

Carl goes to leave. However, Donnie grabs him back.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

No, wait. If you go out there, you

could disappear like everyone else.

I ... When did he grow the goatee?

He didn’t have a goatee.

Everything’s topsy-turvy now. It’s

an upside-down world.

CARL

Enough! The goatee was a bi-product

of drinking so many sauerkraut

Schnapps last night. And it was

delicious.

He leaves. Donnie follows him, but doesn’t try to stop him.

DONNIE

I guess you weren’t out drinking

with Quinn then.

He sighs and cups his hands over his mouth.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

I think I’m going to have myself

committed.

TACOMA

Donnie. It’s okay. I already called

911.

DONNIE

Thanks. You’re a good friend. I

think.

TACOMA

We try. Tell you what. I’ll stay

with you until it arrives.

DONNIE

Doesn’t matter. You’ll be gone with

all the rest of them.

TACOMA

Donnie, I’m not going anywhere.

Listen. Just let me tell you

something.

DONNIE

What?

However, Tacoma has vanished. Donnie looks around the room,

and sees a script on the table. He pages through it to find

nothing but "COME BACK" written on all the pages multiple

times. He walks into the living room with the white board

covered with messy "COME BACK"s written all over. He then

enters a hallway. Uncomfortable music is building.

DONNIE

Carl!

Donnie runs into the warehouse space of the hallway. Carl

appears to be standing there, with his back facing the

camera. Donnie is relieved.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Carl.

He walks down the hallway. Carl’s there, but he’s wearing a

dinosaur mask.

CARL

Ja?

Donnie looks horrified.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

He looks up and Carl opens the door. A bright light fills

the hallway. Donnie shields his eyes. As the light dies down

Donnie focuses on what it is. He looks shocked and

horrified.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. WALKER RESIDENCE

We see a computer screen. The above paragraph is present,

however, after the final sentence, another unfinished

sentence appears. It reads "Donnie looks up and sees". We

see Doug Walker. His fingers are positioned on the keyboard,

tapping the buttons, but not typing anything. He clearly has

no idea how to continue the story. He continues getting no

work done.

The following title appears. It reads "The Review Must Go

On." White text on black.

Cut back to Doug not writing anything. He continues placing

his hands over the keyboard, but he clearly has no ideas. He

continues pondering, until he hears a familiar noise of a

garbage truck.

DOUG

Shit.

He rushes out the room.

EXT. WALKER RESIDENCE

Doug opens the door, now wearing a hat and a jacket, and

hastily hops down his steps. He grabs a garbage can, but

trips and falls. We see him drag it past his house and to

the curb.


Doug takes his jacket off and dumps it onto the floor. He

sits back down on the chair.

DOUG

Ah. Okay.

He looks enthuastic, however, he quickly realizes he still

doesn’t know what to write. Suddenly, we hear his doorbell.

In a quickly edited fashion, we see him answer the door,

sign for a package, and close the door. Holding the package,

he happily sits down on a sofa in his living room. As he

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

opens the package and removes the plastic protectors. His

smile fades. We see an obviously fake DVD of The Odd Life of

Timothy Green. The cover shows the dad, the mom, and the

boy, as they stand in a sunflower field. There is a tagline

beneath them, reading:

"We don’t care if you believe us. We grew a child in our

back yard! No, really. That’s our story. We said we didn’t

care."

Doug is suddenly standing up, on his phone.

DOUG

I ordered the original Odd Couple,

not The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

I don’t even think it’s the real

movie. I think it’s a pirated

version! Well, that’s all fine and

good. What am supposed to do with

this? Oh, I see. Plant it in the

back and see if the real movie

grows, huh? *shouting* Screw you!

He hangs up and heads back to his writing room. The script

for his Demo Reel episode remains unfinished. He looks at

the DVD and decides to watch the movie. He sits down on the

bed, as he inserts the movie into his DVD player.

DOUG

Gonna regret this.

He presses the play button on his remote. He has a blank

expression. Some cheesy piano music begins playing.

Title card: One Movie Later

The cheesy music plays on. Doug has a disgusted look on his

face. He presses another button on the remote. The music

dies out.

DOUG (CONT’D)

My god.

Doug starts pacing around the room.

DOUG (CONT’D)

Okay, so this is supposed to be a

feel-good family film about a

couple that plants a child in the

backyard. No!

Jump cut. He’s now sitting on the bed.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

DOUG (CONT’D)

First of all, before you grow your

tomato child, didn’t you think

like, an orphanage! Hello! You

could go to an orphanage! There’s

lots of children there. You could

pick from them like a garden,

except you don’t have to grow them!

Another jump cut, he’s now in front of the camera.

DOUG (CONT’D)

Everybody should get a Jesus kid!

That’s what it is, a kid that

popped up with no sex. Jesus

Kid...or Anakin Skywalker. That’s

even better!

Another jump cut. His hands are flailing around as he paces

close to the camera.

DOUG (CONT’D)

How am I supposed to like these

people? At all? They’re all

horrible! You’re horrible people!

Jump cut. Doug’s now laying back on the bed kicking his

legs. His hands are covering his mouth, making his speech

muffled.

DOUG (CONT’D)

AWFUL! AWFUL!

Another jump cut. He is standing on the bed, with his anger

growing.

DOUG (CONT’D)

People who made this movie should

be studied! They thought this is

how people would act! This is how

people would-It’s not! It’s not how

anybody would act! They would

donate that kid to science!

He is now calm after another cut.

DOUG (CONT’D)

That was new. That was a new

experience for me. You got balls,

Timothy Green. I don’t know, maybe

they’re leaves but... Oh wow, that

was something.

11.

He looks into the hallway. A shadow passes by. He looks out,

but nobody’s there.

INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT

We see Lewis Lovhaug sitting on his sofa in his apartment.

His phone rings and he picks it up.

LEWIS

Hello!


Doug’s on his phone.

DOUG

Hey, Lewis.


LEWIS

Hey Doug. What’s up?


DOUG

I’ve got a question for you.


LEWIS

Shoot!


DOUG

Do you think I did the right thing

ending the Nostalgia Critic?


Lewis is clearly surprised.

12.


DOUG (CONT’D)

It’s just... you ever think we left

too early? Like, there’s more

things we could have done with him?


LEWIS

What do you mean?


DOUG

We stopped because we thought we

were done, but... recently a lot of

new ideas have been coming up in my

head.


LEWIS

Such as...?


DOUG

Well... for example, I just saw The

Odd Life of Timothy Green.


LEWIS

Oh, Doug, why?


DOUG

It doesn’t matter.

13.


LEWIS

I think it does!


Doug ignores him.

DOUG

It was weird. I felt the exact

same way I did when we first

started! I mean, the excitement,

the fresh ideas. I’m wondering if I

made the right choice.


LEWIS

Well, I’m not sure I’m the guy that

can answer that for you. Really,

it boils down to you.


DOUG

Yeah... But I made a choice, you

know. I... just felt that it was

the right time to go.


LEWIS

Your fans didn’t seem to think so.


DOUG

Oh, did they notice? The ass number

of emails asking the Critic to come

back didn’t seem to tip me off! I

can’t just do it for the fans,

though. I gotta do it because I

wanna do it.

14.


LEWIS

Well, that’s why it’s your

choice. Bottom line, if you feel

like there’s potential and you can

keep it going for a long time,

bring him back. But if you think

you only have enough for once in a

while, just keep it once in a while

and go out on top.


DOUG

Alright. Thanks, man.


LEWIS

Hey, Pollo and Harvey say hi too.


Doug is alarmed.

DOUG

Lewis? Buddy? Are you convinced

that the characters from your show

are real people?


Lewis laughs.

LEWIS

Doug, of course not! I’m not

derranged. It’s just Pollo and

Harvey that are real.

Lewis hangs up, and starts talking to someone off-screen.

LEWIS (CONT’D)

So, Pollo, what are your thoughts

on the subject?

Pollo is a simple cardboard cutout doll. He doesn’t do

anything, but Lewis nods.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

LEWIS (CONT’D)

Yeah, and what’s that?

Pollo just sits there. Lewis burts into huge fits of loud

laughter.

LEWIS (CONT’D)

Oh man, that’s a great one!


Doug is once again sitting at his computer. He still hasn’t

progressed a bit. He closes the script window and boots up a

video. It’s the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Doomsday

Machine. The review continues normally. Until Doug hears a

line that’s not from the review!

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

So, what are you waiting for?

Doug’s eyes pop. The video is still playing, but the Critic

is addressing him!

NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)

You know it’s just a matter of

time.

DOUG

You’re not real. You’re just a

fragment of my not very concernable

imagination.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Maybe. Or maybe it’s like what you

said before.

DOUG

And what did I say before?

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

How a character can become so real

that they cease being a character.

They become ingrained in your mind,

and you can’t get rid of them no

matter how hard you try. Even to

the point where they take on a life

of their own.

DOUG

No. You were the buried remains of

some nostalgia that I have left

behind.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

The Critic scoffs.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Oh, isn’t that cute? You’re

nostalgic for the Nostalgia Critic.

DOUG

I made a choice. I said that I’m

not going back and I’m gonna do

exactly that.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Why? What’s stopping you?

DOUG

What am I supposed to do anyway?

Quoting memes and running jokes?

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

It isn’t always about memes and

running jokes. It’s about that

passion for film and that love of

making people laugh. And I know you

still have a hunger for both.

DOUG

It ran its course.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Listen to yourself! You got so sick

and tired of it that you actually

forgot you enjoy it.

Doug glares at him.


Remember?

The Critic snaps his fingers. A montage of clips from past

episodes of The Nostalgia Critic play.


Every single time you thought you

were done with it you came up with

something better. When you had time

to think, time to focus, time to

put that extra effort in. But you

had anniversary movies,

conventions, other shows, your own

life to live. All trying to write,

act, and edit a 20 minute video

every single week. Face it buddy,

you weren’t done yet. You just hit

burnout.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

DOUG

I’m not going back.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Yeah? Then why don’t you just make

me go away?

Doug closes the review. He opens up the login page on

Facebook. He breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, we hear a

crashing noise. Debris flies in from the right side on the

screen, and the Critic tumbles in.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

See? I told you you can’t get rid

of me!

Doug brings up Google. The same thing happens.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

It’s gonna cost ya, Tinkerbell.

The Critic clicks away to a Todd in the Shadows video.

TODD

I don’t get it. Why would a song

have a lyric as stupid as -

He’s interrupted. The Critic appears again. This time, his

clothes are all messy and disjointed.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

See? You can’t make me dissapear!

Todd notices the Critic.

TODD

What the hell are you doing in my

video?

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Oh, piss off, Alfred Hitchcock!

TODD

Get the hell out.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

You get the hell out!

TODD

I live here!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

You know what? Bite me, Hamburglar!

Todd and Nostalgia Critic continue to banter. Doug clicks

away to Google again. The Critic doesn’t show up. Doug turns

around and sees the posters of the anniversary videos.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Have you ever googled "do a barrel

roll?" It’s really cool!

DOUG

Okay, that’s it!

EXT. WALKER RESIDENCE

In a swiftly edited fashion, we see Doug get into his car,

pull out of the garage, and go to a Walgreens. We hear a

cash register sound, as the camera focuses on the

"Drive-Thru Pharmacy" part of the title.

INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE

We see Lindsey Ellis drinking coffee. Her phone starts to

ring.

LINDSEY

Hello?

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

The camera is zoomed in on the bottom of Doug’s car. We hear

his strange voice, like he has a huge wad of gum in his

mouth.

DOUG

Lindsey, Lindsey? I need your help.


LINDSEY

Doug? Are you chewing something?

19.

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

Now, it’s focused on his windshield. His voice is also

normal, however, it’s a little panted.

DOUG

Tranquilizers. I’ve eaten enough to

kill a baby rhinocerous.

He guzzles some more.


LINDSEY

Well, that’s a great way to start a

conversation.

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

Look, you’re a friend and I just

need you to be straightforward with

me on something.


LINDSEY

Okay, what?

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

Should I bring back the Nostalgia

Critic?


LINDSEY

What?

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

I mean, I know it won’t be entirely

impartial seeing how nostalgic

movies are now your domain and

everybody comes to you for them but

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

DOUG (cont’d)I trust you on this and I want your

honest opinion.


LINDSEY

No.

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

No? Just like that?


LINDSEY

Exactly. You made your choice and

you should stick with it. The

Critic had a great run but now it’s

time to branch out and do new

things. I mean, do you really want

to do this for the rest of your

life?

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

Well, I don’t really think it would

-


LINDSEY

Of course you don’t! So why don’t

you just stick with the plan and do

what you know is right?

EXT. DOUG’S CAR

DOUG

Yeah, you’re right. I do want to

try new things. Thanks a lot,

Lindsey. I know a lot of people in

your position would probably have

an agenda but it’s good to know you

always give it to me straight.

21.


LINDSEY

Anytime, Doug, anytime.

She hangs up. Nella is sitting beside her. She’s reading a

book, and it’s over her face. She pulls it down.

LINDSEY

You know what to do.

Nella gets up, and walks down the hallway.

EXT. ELLIS RESIDENCE

She opens the door to her yellow car. However, she has

difficulty pulling it out of the parking space, due to

trying not to hit the other parked cars. When she finally

does, she speeds down the street, only to stop nearly

instantly. She pulls down the window.

NELLA

Hey, Doug! Yeah, that’s right, I’m

talking to you.

We see Rob walking down the street. He looks at her like

she’s crazy.

NELLA

You shouldn’t be the Nostalgia

Critc anymore! You should go off

and do those new things. Everybody

loves them! Don’t believe the

haters, man. Just don’t be doing

Nostalgia Critic anymore. So there.

Rob looks at her confused and horrified. He whips out his

iPhone as she drives off.

CUT TO:


We see Doug asleep at the dining table. We then hear a phone

ringing, and then his voicemail.

DOUG (V.O.)

Hey, it’s Doug, leave a message at

the beep.

We hear the beep.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

ROB (V.O.)

Hey, Doug, it’s Rob. Er, I’m never

traveling to New York again.

We hear a familiar hanging up "click." Then, the camera

zooms in onto Doug’s face. We hear the Nostalgia Critic, in

his mind.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC (V.O.)

Bring me back, bring me back, bring

me back... you know it’s your

destiny... you know it’s your

destiny... bring me back...

PEE-WEE HERMAN (V.O.)

Ha-ha! Yeah, bring him back! Bring

him back!


Pee-Wee Herman? What are you doing

here?


It’s a dream. Dreams are like that.

C’mon! Let’s go ride Mark

Wahlberg’s fake penis from Boogie

Nights!


Boy, he’s gonna have a lot of

questions when he wakes up.


HAAAA!

Doug wakes up. He rubs his forehead and looks at the DVD of

The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Then, he pulls out his phone,

and dials Brad Jones.

INT. BRAD’S APARTMENT

Brad picks up the phone.

BRAD

Hello!

23.


DOUG

Hey, Brad, I’m having a debate on

whether or not to bring the

Nostalgia Critic back.


With a cheesy grin, he replies, while laughing.

BRAD

Oh, well. I don’t care.

He hangs up.


Doug puts the phone down. He sees the Nostalgia Critic

standing in his living room. As the Critic walks off, Doug

gets up and follows him, while shouting.

DOUG

I’m not bringing him back, you

hear! I’ve got other ideas I want

to try, new ideas! Stuff I’ve

always wanted to do!

There’s no reply. After looking around a bit for the Critic,

Doug enters the bathroom. He splashes some water on his

face, opens the mirror, and takes some mouthwash. As he

closes the mirror, he sees the Nostalgia Critic smirking at

him.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Who’s to say you can’t do your

other ideas?

DOUG

I’m done talking to you.

He leaves the bathroom. The Nostalgia Critic still appears

in the mirror.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

The only one you’d have to give up

is Demo Reel.

Doug stops walking away from the bathroom, and stands there,

listening to the Nostalgia Critic.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.


And we already know what that was

this whole time. What Donnie was

this whole time. You were even

starting to write it. Once again, a

character you love is hard to get

away from. You dedicated so much

time to our show. Making sure there

was a new episode every week for

over four and a half years! Maybe

you didn’t need to stop altogether,

maybe you just needed a break. A

chance to take a little time off

and come back fresh and new. Did

that ever come into your mind? I’ll

tell you what. If you answer this

honestly, I’ll go away forever.

Tell me, right now, without any

hint of distrust: Do you want to do

this again? Do you have that same

passion you had before? That

passion for comedy, film and

reviewing? Do you honestly want me

to come back?

Doug stares at the ground for a bit.

DOUG

Yes.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC (O.S.)

Then what are you waiting for?

Doug turns, hearing the Critic’s voice from his living room.

He walks there, and finds the Critic seated at the table.


We have work to do.

Doug sits at the opposite end of the table.

DOUG

First, some ground rules.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Fair enough.

DOUG

Reviews every two weeks.

The Critic appears shocked.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Two weeks?

DOUG

Maybe every other week I can do a

mini-review or a film editorial but

if we still want these jokes to

still be fresh and funny, I need

more time on them and that’s gonna

be two weeks.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

So be it. Rule two, no more cutoff

dates.

Doug appears confused.

DOUG

What?

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

I want to review whatever I want,

whenever I want.

DOUG

But you’re the Nostalgia Critic.

It’s in your name.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

I won’t review anything currently

in theaters. And besides, if you’re

seeing something after it came out

in the cinema doesn’t that

technically make it nostalgic?

DOUG

Well, I guess horrible films aren’t

restricted to just one time period.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Very true.

DOUG

One last condition.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

What?

Doug holds up the DVD of The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

DOUG

This has to be the first review.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Why?

DOUG

This is the movie that brought you

back. That made me realize I could

actually do this again. I feel like

I owe it.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

But nobody saw it! I don’t even

know how many people remember it.

DOUG

Maybe it’s to show that even

something that’s regarded as

terrible or forgettable can still

inspire something creative.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Done.

DOUG

Alright then. What’s next?

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

I think you know what’s next.

Doug looks up to find the Critic gone. He heads back to his

computer and finishes the Demo Reel script and adds the

words "the Plot Hole" to the end of the script, making the

sentence read "Donnie looks up and sees the Plot Hole".

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO

Donnie’s in the exact same place as before, during the first

scene. As he looks up, he sees a swirling blue vortex. It’s

the PLOT HOLE.

PLOT HOLE

Hello, Donnie.

DONNIE

Wha...? who are you? What are you?

PLOT HOLE

I am the creator of a web series

that takes a critical look at

nostalgic movies.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

DONNIE

I don’t understand.

Tacoma steps up behind him.

TACOMA

The person you are now is a direct

result of a choice.

DONNIE

Tacoma?

TACOMA

A choice you made for the sake of

the plot.

DONNIE

Plot?

Rebecca appears from behind Tacoma.

REBECCA

Yes. You sacrificed yourself to the

Plot Hole, bringing order to chaos,

logic to insanity. But something

went wrong.

DONNIE

What?

Quinn appears from behind Rebecca.

QUINN

Your mind couldn’t handle the

paradox of your own martyrdom. It

wouldn’t let you believe that you

were capable of such a selfless

act.

DONNIE

Well then... What is this? Where am

I?

Carl appears from behind all of them. He isn’t a dinosaur

anymore.

CARL

It is a...

He finds himself unable to say anything, because he can’t

address Donnie being this crowded. He pushes Rebecca and

Quinn to the wall and squeezes past Tacoma. Now in the

front, he resumes his speech.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

CARL (CONT’D)

A prison, a purgatory. Forged deep

in the depth of your own neurosis

and made flesh by the Plot Hole.

Now at last you will know what it’s

like to experience failure and see

through the eyes of tortured child

stars and watch as all of your

ambition crumbles into a mangy pile

of heap. A lifetime of harsh

criticisms atoned for at last.

PLOT HOLE

And it’s for precisely these

reasons that you need to come back?

DONNIE

Come back? To what? I sound like a

fucking maniac!

PLOT HOLE

To some. To others...

DONNIE

Who was I?

A montage of Nostalgia Critic clips play.

DONNIE (CONT’D)

Oh my God. YOU SON OF A BITCH! Do

you have any idea how much this

shit scarred me? Do you have any

idea the hell I had to go through

here? I was a godawful filmmaker! I

made movies that nobody liked! I

tried telling everybody my good

intentions but no one ever listened

to me! I was a horrible child star

actor! My mother was destroyed by

the Hollywood system! This is the

worst possible punishment that

could ever be devised for me! Sweet

Jesus tap dancing Christ with

dinner, a show and a kiss

goodnight!

PLOT HOLE

Yes.

DONNIE

And?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

PLOT HOLE

But perhaps now, you’re a little

wiser. Everyone you criticize from

this point on has a face. In every

way, they are just like you. They

work hard, they feel pain, they

laugh, they cry. And when you mock

them, you also mock yourself. You

can still criticize all you want

but deep down inside, you’ll always

know what it’s like to be on the

other side. And never truly forget.

DONNIE

So now what?

PLOT HOLE

So now it’s time to go back and

review again.

DONNIE

Wait! What about the Plot Hole? I

mean, I was sent in to keep it

stable and I couldn’t do it.

Someone has to sacrifice their life

to obsess over all the little

mistakes of the world.

PLOT HOLE

It’s all right. I found someone

obsessed with mistakes and who had

no life worth sacrificing.

CUT TO:

INT. PLOT HOLE

We see Douchey McNitpick inside the plot hole.

DOUCHEY

There’s a mistake! There’s a

mistake! There’s a mistake! Oh my

God, this is the worst job ever!

He repeatedly zaps every mistake with his finger.

CUT TO:

30.

INT. STUDIO

PLOT HOLE

So, what are you waiting for,

Critic? There’s a whole world to

criticize.

Donnie smiles and heads toward the vortex. He stops and

looks at the others.

DONNIE

But wait? What about them?

PLOT HOLE

They belong to the Plot Hole now.

As soon as you leave.

DONNIE

But I’ve gotten to know them and-

TACOMA

Hey, don’t worry about us.

REBECCA

Yeah, we’ve gotten through tougher

scrapes.

QUINN

Like killer turkeys.

CARL

And Swedish terrorists.

DONNIE

Sure?

TACOMA

Yeah.

REBECCA

I think you learned your lesson.

QUINN

But if you ever need a reminder,

you know where to find us.

CARL

Now walk through that portal and

face your destiny. That’s an order.

DONNIE

Thanks, guys.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

Donnie heads into the portal. The Demo Reel crew wave

goodbye, and Carl salutes him. The crew eventually fade into

thin air. As we zoom out from the light in the ceiling, we

see Donnie lying on the ground. He sees the Critic’s famous

leather chair. He hoists himself off the ground, and picks

up the Critic’s hat. He then notices the Critic’s outfit,

and smiles. He removes Donnie’s hat, puts on the Critic’s

outfit and hat, and sits down in the chair. He’s now the

Critic.

CUT TO:


Lindsey has her iPhone out, and she’s watching a video.

Nella has returned. She sits down on Lindsey’s couch.

NELLA

The deed is done.

Lindsey glares at her. Nella looks at her iPhone.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO

We see the Nostalgia Critic. He is seated with his hands

together resting on the table, and the trademark peach

background is there too.

NOSTALGIA CRITIC

Hello. I’m the Nostalgia Critic.

And I’m back to remember it so you

don’t have to.

CUT TO:


NELLA

Oh. Oh, you meant for me to... Oh.

Nella laughs nervously, as Lindsey starts drinking some

alcoholic beverage.

NELLA (CONT’D)

That’s really funny. I’m gonna be

somewhere that’s not here.

Nella runs off as Lindsey collapses onto the couch.

32.

CUT TO:


LEWIS

Pollo! That was a very off-color

joke you said! Don’t you agree,

Cybermats?

The Cybermats do nothing.

ASTRO-MEGASHIP

Well, I think that-

LEWIS

Nobody cares what you think,

Astro-Megaship.


Brad’s on the phone.

BRAD

Nostalgia Critic? Who the fuck is

that? When are you gonna bring back

Melvin?

THE END

Documents

The Review Must Go On - Script