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The Rope
Kaboom!!!
Ajournalist (left) cowers during a recent bombing. At the right, an example of oneof the smaller coalition bombs.
BAGHDAD � Night has just fallen herein Baghdad, Iraq. Reports indicate that intensefighting has occurred to the south, north, west,east, southwest, northeast, north southwest, southnortheast, and to the west northwest southeastsouth. Coalition forces are reported to bemovingsteadily toward Baghdad in an effort to removeSaddam Hussein from power and to interrogatehis mistresses and concubines.
My sourcesindicate thatSaddam Hussein ishiding in a bunker23 feet belowground. He isr e p o r t e d l ys t o c k p i l i n gdiamonds andRolexwatches so he�llhave a phat bankrollif and when heescapes. Mysources also indicatethat he likesNeapolitan icecream, shrimpcocktails, and Spike Jonze movies. At thisjuncture, I speculate that my sources have thedistinct possibility of being full of shit.
American President George W. Bush isbelieved to have ordered air strikes on selecttargets in the hopes of��Holy Crap! Theground just shook here. I see some smoke outsidemy windows. I think that may have been aneighboring journalist lighting some leftoverRamadan fireworks.
As I stated before, President Bush hasordered multiple strikes on Iraqi locatio��Chevy Chase in a polka-dot dress! There it wasagain. I�m starting to get a little scared. I justsaw a 1986 tanVolvo fly over my balcony. It wason fire�with someone still trying to drive it. Ithink I should put on my helmet.
It is not known when or where these airstrikeswill occu�sweetHolymother of the Jesus!
Part of the roof on my hotel room just got blownoff. Although I cannot confirm it at this time, Ibelieve the coalition air strikes have begun. Yep,I can confirm it now because a missile just flewthrough an open window and blew up my toilet.How�s that for symbolism?
There are now constant, soul-piercingsirens going off. I believe some of the noise isactually from the air-raid sirens and the rest is theringing in my ears caused by the explosionsoccurring across the street. Ok, I think things are
starting to calm dow�ahhh! Damn, damn, damn.This is getting serious. Someone get me out ofhere. I knew I should have asked for a suitewithout a scenic view of Saddam�s secret hideout.
Maybe if I put on my gas mask, all of thiswill go away. HolyMoses and the four tops! Thatone was close. I guess my gas mask didn�t do thetrick. Is this what shrapnel feels like? I want mymom. Ah hell, she�d probably be blown up too if
she were here.There are just afew more hours tilldaylight. Maybethey�ll stop bombingmy ho�sweet sassymolassey! They justblew the [yoo] keyoff my keyboard.What am I going todo now? I think Ijust soiled myself. Isho[yoo]ld havenever agreed to thisassignment. I thinkthe end is near�Ishould probably
pray.Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed
be thy Name. � Holy crap! Thy kingdom come.Thywill be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Giveus this day our daily bread. And forgive [yoo]so[yoo]r trespasses, as we forgive those whotrespass against [yoo]s. �Damn!!! And lead[yoo]s not into temptation, but deliver [yoo]sfromevil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power,and the glory, forever and ever. �Ahhh!!Am��������
The NoZe Infidels
Minister of PropagandaBro. Abdul�Haqq NoZe
Supreme DictatorBro. Ashraf Fakhir Jabbar al
Jabir NoZe
Dinar CounterBro. Yasir NoZe
Videophone TechnicianBro. Samir NoZeenanajar
Republican GuardBro. Mu�mu�mu�muhammad
SharoNoZe
Bro. W. Abu Bakr NoZe
Bro. Mu�awiyah NoZe
Bro. TamirNoZa
PershmergaBro. Subhi NoZe
Bro. Safwan NoZe
Bro. Nasim NoZe
Bro. Mas�ud NoZe
Bro. Khatib NoZe
Bro. Reema Reema Reema NoZe
Bro. Jumah NoZe
Bro. Ibrahim NoZe
Bro. Adham NoZe
Bro. Bashshar NoZe
ConscriptsBro. Ayman NoZe
Bro. Fudail NoZe
Bro. Maha Lama NoZe
Bro. Dabir NoZe
Bro. Hamzah NoZe
Bro. Marid NoZe
Body DoublesBro. Mus�ad NoZe
Bro. Nu�man NoZe
MartyrsBro. Muta NoZe
Bro. Jamal al Din NoZe
Bro. Faruq NoZe
Bro. Badr NoZe
Bro. Irfan NoZe
ToMy Loyal Subjects,
Welcome to the revered andreviled world of the most excellentand supreme, noble and valiant Iraq.You may be asking yourself, �Whatthe hell is thisRope?� Let me assureyou, dear reader and subject, thatTheRope is no simple declaration of ourweapons of mass destruction inaccordance with UN sanctions. It isinstead the key to a new world, onefilled with endless disarmedpossibilities and truly lovingdictators. Aworld of joy and peacewhere everyone is under mytyrannical rule, yet equal, andeveryone is hungry for the food myoil money is supposed to buy. Aworld not seen since about a weekago. A world�
Ah, who am I kidding? TheRope is just a newspaper filled withlies. That�s it, and anyone whobelieves otherwise is ignorant. Infact, my regime is just a silly, littleclub of rich pranksters that dressesup in surplus military uniforms andprances around Baghdad under theauspices of �full compliance.� Myregime today is a mockery of yearspast. Our �threats� are sub-par at
best, our appearances are stale andcrudely filmed, and the world,especially France, is, at most,apathetic towards us. If it weren�tfor these weapons of massdestructionwe�re secretly hiding, wewould just be another in the long lineof disaffected regimes angry at thewestern ideal.
So which is it? Probablysomewhere in between the two. Iguess the decision is up to the UNSecurity Council. Don�t condemn usuntil you�ve found our chemicalweapons, and don�t bomb us ever.Really. It�s a simple request. Can�twe take another vote?
You see, friends and loyalsubjects, The Rope is only as goodas its readers. It has no power toreveal the truth, unless you believethe BS we place in front of you. Wecan lie until our collectiveconsciences evaporate, but none ofthatmatters unless you take financialresponsibility for rebuilding ourcountry. Go to it.
Please don�t hurt me,
Bro. Abdul-Haqq NoZe
A Note from theMinister of Propaganda
U.S. Vetoes France�s ProposalFor Bathroom Break
New Hardball Politics Considered Odd
In harsh retaliation forFrance�s anti-war stance in the U.N.Security Council, the U.S.deliberately vetoedFrance�s proposalto take a bathroom break during theU.N. Security Council meeting thispast week.
�You thought you were suchhot stuff France with your veto andyour wine and your cheese? Welltwo can play that game,� stated U.S.Secretary of State Colin Powell.�Ha, HA!�
Although never used in sucha manner before, each permanentmember of theU.N. SecurityCouncilreserves the right to veto anyproposal before the council. Priorto this bathroom incident, the onlyother uncharacteristic veto camewhen Russia objected to China�sdecision to get Papa John�s pizzadelivery. As most people know,Russia likes Domino�s.
French president, JacquesChirac, stated that he considered theU.S. to be way out of line, but thatFrance could probably, �Hold it a bitlonger. Oui oui.�
Members of the council saythat Powell can be rough when
dealing with France, but admittedthey never saw this one coming.Members also say that the situationwasmadeworsewhen Powell beganslowly pouringwater fromhis pitcherto his cup and back again. WhenFrance ignored him, Powell beganwhistling drifting melodiespunctuated with long sighs of relief.
�What a pendejo,� statedVicente Fox, President of Mexico.�If Colin [Powell] doesn�t recall hisveto, I�m slipping an Exlax into hischili.�
TonyBlair, PrimeMinister ofthe United Kingdom, stated: �I havenever before heard of suchtomfoolery at the U.N., but if suchaction affects a reversal in France�sposition on Iraq, then so be it. Oh,how I bite my thumb at Iraq.Cheerio!�
President Bush, who is stillon vacation in Crawford, suggestedthat France, �try not think ofwaterfalls or flowing rivers.� He alsosuggested that they run for coverbecause as Bush termed it, �They�renext.�
Food For Thought
Hey ladies, if you can�t decide, just try them all�.. 1119 Speight
Healthy food with great turkey, tuna,or vegetarian choices.
The Rope Asks...
Are you Pro or Anti War?
James Dohan,Penland Freshman
�I digitally assassinated SaddamHusseintwice in my dorm room yesterday! My X-Box is now definitely safe from the digitallytyrannical digital Hussein regime!�
Ralph Lazaro,FIJI
�I�m open to pretty much anything. I sup-pose if they draft me, I�ll tell them I�m aFIJI and they�ll probably put me in theNavy. I can�t wait to wear those cute littlewhite sailor get-ups.�
Mike Sloan,Lacking in inches
�All I can say is I�d like to have a littlepeace this weekend.�
Bob Sloan,On the fence
�I guess you can call me pranti-war. Butdon�t quote me on that.�
Martin Smith,ROTC Private
�Look, I�d really like to help you guys withyour survey, but I have to go drop a bomb.�
Mr. Puzzle Says�Make Your Own Statement By The
Iraqi PrimeMinister
Fill in the following:1. ActionVerb2. Favorite area to have touched3. Adjective4. Adjective5. Adjective6. Adjective7. Favorite holiday8. Gerund9. Noun10.Choose Jesus or else
America 1 us, and bombs our 23 fight 4, 5 kill 6
During 7, Saddam will be a 89, praise 10
Say the above when someone asks you a question, raise youreyebrows, repeat 33 times, and pray that the trip to hell is short.
George�s BarA Waco Institution
1925 Speight 753-1421
�Don�t worry honey, everything looks smallernext to a Big O.�
(Voted Bar o� the Month in the March issue of Maxim!)
U.N. Security Council Breakup Blamed onIraqconcilable Differences
This letter was sent Wednesdayevening on behalf of PresidentGeorgeW.Bush toU.N. PresidentKofi Annan:
Dear U.N. Security Council,God this is so hard. We�ve been
together for a long time now.We have seengood times and bad times.Who didn�t lovethe fall of communism,Rwanda, orBosnia?There was a time when I thought togetherwe could do anything. It�s sad really, butall good thingsmust come to an end. Lately,things have been different. You seem sodistant�so cold. It�s one thing to disagree,but to sidewithFrance?Really, I don�t think
anythingwill ever be the same. It�s not you,it�s me.We just want different things. Youwant passive acceptance and diplomacy; Iwant to bomb the zeit out of Iraq. Article1441 was our baby, and you abandoned itandmeand I don�t think I could ever forgiveyou.
U.N. Security Council there was atime when I thought you were the one. Ithought that we would last forever. I knowthis comes as a shock, but there is someoneelse. You don�t know them, but we�re intothe same things and it�s new and excitingagain. The coalition is everything that I�vebeen missing in a wartime partner. Theymay be young and lonely, but I need themand they need me.
There�s no reason we can�t still befriends, though.Maybe if youwant to comeover sometime we can watch Dr.Strangelove or something. I just don�twantthis to be awkward between us. I still loveyou�I�m just no longer in love with you.But I�m still going to let you stay in mycountry. I wish you all the best for thefuture.
TheUnited States ofAmerica
PS.Couldwe arrange a time forme to comeover to your place and get my stuff back?I�m gonna need you to return a lot of thefinancial aid...andmy black t-shirt.
The NoZe Brotherhood Presents�
What�s on your television right now:
1) Grainy night vision footage of stuff exploding.2) Grainy daytime footage of stuff exploding.3) A journalist pointing at a map of Iraq with a stick.4) Footage of a tank in the desert brought to you viavideophone.
5) A journalist on a faulty cell phone connectionpretending to have new developments.
6) Booty jams. (BET only)7) A graphic on the screen stating �____ __ Iraq�(Fill in with synonym for �attack� followed by apreposition).
8) Friends.9) Dan Rather cutting into the middle of a freakin�NCAA tournament game
10) N/A
Heartworks Co.
PAPER BEARATexas Sized Gift Shop
1412 N. Valley Mills (in the TownWest Center)772-6767
Where these peoplego for all theirbobble head Jesusaction figure needs.
Protestors Worry Presidents Bush, SloanLunch Menus a Concern in DC, Waco
In some pretty trippy news,all across the country war protestorsare wreaking havoc on responsibleindividuals with jobs. In what canonly be described as �Dirty, dirtyhippies�the second coming,�hundreds upon tens of mostlyunemployed, unkempt, andperennially unhappymiscreants havedescended on cities in almost allmajor states.
Unsurprisingly, the mainstaging point for the protestors hasbeen San Francisco, which has beencalled the hotbed of emergingpoliticalmovements by unaccredited,gay intellectuals. Carrying signslikening PresidentBush to a nazi, andAIDS to a government conspiracyagainst persons of alternative
lifestyles, the protestors have let theiropinions be known with loudaplomb.
�Bush is the devil,man,� saida fourth generation protestor whosenamewas unavailable due to an acidflashback. �We�ve got to stopdropping the bombs, man. Whatgoes around comes around, andwhen it comes around, we�re goingto want to get going, man. And weshould probably go to Jack in theBox for two tacos because theywon�t be 99 cents for much longer.Dude��
Favorite protestingtechniques include using lead pipesto create human chains that blockmajor thoroughfares. Although thisparticular form of protest apparentlydoesn�t cause anyone to think about
the cause they�re protesting for, theunnamedhuman chain link fencewasundeterred.
�We�re sticking it to theman,man. They�ve got to realize that theirgas guzzling SUV�s are bad, man.Now, an old VW wagon, that�swhere it�s at, man. Man.�
One such SUV driver wasnot amused by the protests. Steppingout of his 2003 Lincoln Navigator,Tom Smith voiced his opinion. �Ican�t get to work because of thesedamn hippies. Won�t these peoplebe sorry when I get fired and can�tpay the taxes that support thegovernment programs they scam fordrug money.�
Asked for comment, theunnamed hippy retorted, �I can seethe pink lemonade, man. It smellslike gasoline and a half-eatenTaco.�
Here at Baylor, our very owndictator of theocracy has his ownhands full with protestors. Raisingtheir voices above the noise ofindifference, dozens of the usual
charactersmet for anti-war speeches,prayer, and Radiohead music.
�We demand to be heard!�peeped protestor John Garland,�Give peace a chance. Seriously.Now, let�s all sing Karma Police.�
When the protests werebrought to his attention, PresidentSloan had strong words, �I
specifically said double cheese on thispizza! Not Canadian bacon. I nevereat that damned bacon. Don�t youknow how frail my stomach is?�
When clarified as towhowasactually asking him the questions,Sloan deferred all further inquires tothe Baylor DPS who subsequentlydealt with the offending reporter byway of traffic ticket.
Despite the lack ofeffectiveness of the �protest,� thepeace-mongers were not deterred.�We can never be happy until theUnited States is at the mercy of agroup of lesser nations. Power isevil! Global community overhomeland solidarity! Do you hearme? Do you hear me?!?!�
Speaking for the majority ofAmericans, local hero Jesus replied,�No.�
These protestors have taken time out of theirbusy schedules to transform their �Will work forfood sign� into uniformed, hippy peace babble.
Functional Glass ArtworkHand-blown pieces crafted by local students
(ask your friends)
�Don�t you understand? It�s more than just acenterpiece, it�s functional!�
Conscientious Objector Finds Solace in theMelodic Vocalizations of Edwin Starr
In recent campus news, a freshman atBaylor University and self-proclaimedconscientious objector, finally was able to findinner peace and harmony this last week as theyoung pacifist disestablishmentarian discovered atangible means for the emotionalrelease of his strong anti-warsentiments that was manifested inthe amazing vocalizations of theone, the only, the prince of pop-peace: the Motown icon, EdwinStarr.
�War! Huh! Yea-uh! Whatis it good for?! Absolutelynothing!� sang the young man ashe thrust his pelvic nether regionin perfect time to the vocal stylingsof Mr. Starr.
�Edwin knows how to getdown to the heart of the issue! Hedoesn�t BS around the bush withall that fancy anti-war terminology,no pun intended. He simply tells ithow it is.�
The youngman specificallycited such impacting Starr classicsas �Who�s Right or Wrong?�,�Don�t Go Over There�, �War�,�Stop theWar�, and �FunkyMusicSho�Nuff�TurnsMeOn�, the latterof which had nothing to do withpeaceful sentimentality or theachievement of inner peace for the young manbut did aid the conscientious objector in effectivelyscoring with multiple partners.
�Edwin is all about the sexual energy! Hemight have been a conscientious objector but there
is one thing Edwin certainly did not object to�thepoodie�specifically the acquisition thereof. Hisfunky beats, endearing passive-aggressive lyricalcontent, and soulful wailings really gets the ladies
pheromones pumping! Iraq isn�t the only placethat�s getting some serious action!�
The young bleeding heart is urging otherstudents at Baylor University to embrace Edwin
Give peace a chance. Dig it.
Starr and to allow his insightful message to trulyaffect them so as to turn those �right-wingfundamentalist trigger happy psychos� into goodold fashioned waiting for lefties.
�He reallymademe analyze the issue on adeeper level. I mean, what IS wargood for? Think about it?! War?What is it good for? Good Godyall! Come on! Say it again! War!Huh! Yea-uh! What is it goodfor?! Absolutely! Come on! Sayit again!!! Absolutely WHAT?!!!Yeah, you know it��
The young Penlandresident has also recently decidedto hang up his proverbial cleatsleaving his questionably highereducational process at BaylorUniversity behind in the dust. Heplans to get into his father�s carwith a duffle-bag full of necessitiesthat include but are certainly notlimited to an ounce of non-terroristcontributing wacky tobacky, theBeatles White album, and asubstantial supply of porno anddrive around the westernhemisphere until his daddydiscontinues filling his bankaccount with his hard earnedmoney.
In the near future, you canexpect to find this young college drop outworkingas a pump attendant at your local hometownMobilgas station where he will most likely frequentlycomplain about his job, his station in life, andespecially those ridiculously expensive gas prices!
Common Grounds Coffee HouseWinona Ryder says:Have some greatcoffee and helpyourself to the tip
jar!
1123 S. 8th St. 757-2957
www.BUbooks.comBaylor�s Textbook Trading Headquarters
Swap your books and rate aprof. 265 Baylor ProfessorsListed with over 700 ratings.
Bubooks.com on theinternet, where Lee HarveyOswald can�t get you.
They took me downIt was a Saturday night. Cold. Damp.
My shoes were muddy as I stepped acrossFountain Mall, trekking towards my rendezvousat the parting of the red sea. I could smell thefaint aroma of freshmanwaste as it wafted throughthe steaming sewer grate. To be sure, I was home.Then they took me down.
Bright lights and the smell of cheap cigars.I should check to see if the ghetto HEB is out ofBlack & Milds. They�re questioning me now.What�s me credo? What�s my modus operandi?What�s my third favorite pre-Socraticphilosopher? I tell them Socrates with a laugh.It�s a joke; I probably should have said Thales.Many questions and fewer beers later, and I�mback where I began. Still walking towards thered sea. Where�s Moses when you need him?Then they took me down.
Mood lighting and the smell of pipetobacco. I think I hear Miles Davis. I shouldcheck to see if Oprah just did a special show onjazz. They�re talking to me now. You love mycredo? You dig my modus operandi? Where doI come up with my jokes? I�m willing to admitthat Anaximenes might have been funnier.Cracking philosophy jokes does lend itself to
second-guessing. Chew on that one for a while.Thirty-three Trivial Pursuit questions and fiveglasses of wine later, and I�m backwhere I began.I don�t think I�ll ever reach the red sea. I can hearhoof beats behind me. Then they took me down.
Halogen bulbs and the smell of�well,nothing. I just saw someone looking over myshoulder. I should check to see if I�m right. Whatis he saying to me? My credo doesn�t matter?You don�t give a damn aboutmymodus operandi?Thales andAnaximenes are bothwrong, and I stilldon�t know anything about pre-Socraticphilosophy? What�s that old saying? Whoeverhas the power is always right. I think that�s theone. Fifty blanks and a glass of water later, andI�m back where I began. I think I can see it now.Then they took me down.
Moon light and the smell of my failure. Ihear someone crying. There�s no one here to talktome. You know, I don�t really give a damn aboutmy credo, and I don�t think my modus operandiwas ever important. I still might read up on myThales, if I can ever get off the ground. Is thiswhat it takes for someone to realize the truth?Am I the only one who�s fallen in this spot? I�mso close to the end, but I can�t move. I can seeacross the divide, though. And she�s smiling.
nnbpo box 612elm mott, tx76640
www.theNoZe.com
Screen-Tex GraphicsCustom Screenprinting and Embroidering
We got shirts in all sizes,even for these guys.
1004 FranklinAve.754-0030
AtheistEnthusiastsInadvertentlyCommitMassSuicide�HoldYourBreath�StillConsideredaSuccessbyManyWhatwasintendedtobeanalternativeto
�Breathe�turnedsourlastMondaynightwhenover600Baylorstudentssimultaneouslysuffocatedtotheirdeathsontheopeningandfinalnightofthescheduledthree-daystudentatheistconferencetitled,�HoldYourBreath.�Theconference,whichneverreceivedofficialsanctionsbystudentlife,wasplannedtobeheldinadrainpoolbeneaththeuniversitybutultimatelytookplaceinthetentoutsideScruffyMurphy�sduetorainandproximityofalcohol,amovewhichprovedtobefutile.
Itseemsthattheorganizersmayhavebeenexcessivelyliteralwiththeiractivitiesplannedfortheconvention,asparticipantsattemptedtoholdtheirownrespectivebreathsthroughouttheentireservice,whichconsistedofthepessimisticmusingsoflocalbandsquiet,agnostic;FU:FinaleUnknown;andtheeverpopularDavidDoubter
Band;followedbydiscouragingspeechesthatsimmeredanyhintofspiritualfireswithinthecrowd.BythetimekeynotespeakerandclosetatheistProfessorDavidLongfellowcametothepodiumonlyahandfulofattentivepurplish-bluishfacescouldbeholdhisusurpationoftheatheistthrone,coffeeandmapsinhand.TheentirecompanywasdeadandgonejustasProf.Longfellowcametoaddresstheatheistaestheticideal,whichinthiscasedidn�tmatter.
Oddly,orrather,notoddlyatall,ChaplainToddLakeseemedalmostthrilledtolearnofthenews,�Theoutcomeof�HoldYourBreath�isachanceforthecampustopauseandreflectonwhoweare
inrelationtoGodandeachother.ItallowsustospendsometimecatchingourbreathtogetherandlisteningtoGodspeaktousandgiveusthestrengthforthejourney.ItalsocompletestheanalogyofthenecessityofbreathingtothenecessityofGod�whenwetrulybreatheinGod�slove;heannihilatesthosewhowouldopposeus.Amen.�
ManyfriendsofthedeceasedhaveconspiracytheoriesthatToddLake
mastermindedtheentireincident,claimingthatitwasallaconvenientschemetoridouruniversityoftheresistancetohistheologicalways.When
askedforcomment,Lakesimplysaid,�Wh...(sigh)Why�Hah�Imean,whywouldyoueven�thinktoaskmethat?�
Ontheflipside,ChristiansaroundcampusseetheeventasanactofGod.�Well�theygotwhattheydeserve,�preachedconfusedfreshmanandsecretinternetpornaddictJonJelquerer.
�That�swhatthosesickoswantright?Huh?I�msureallofthosenonbelievershavewastedcountlesshourspleasuringthemselves,holdingtheirbreathwhilethey�re�youknow,holdingthemselves,ifyouknowwhatImean.That�sjust�perverse.Iwouldnever�well,itsjustnasty.�
Bro.DeusexMachiNoZeconfirms,�Asphyxiationisthemosteroticwaytogo.SoI�veheard.�
Onarelatednote,localladiesmanandparttimegigoloLouie�Submarine�JohnsonisstrandedinWacoduetothecancellationofthe�HoldYourBreath�conference.Anyone,preferablyladies,wishingtocontacthimshoulddropalinetoBro.MachiNoZe.
HadtheatheistsbeenChristians,theymighthavelookedsomethinglikethis.HadtheChristiansbeenatheists,theywouldbedead.
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�Youknowhoney,atBubba�sGarage,theyletyouparkitintheback.�
SecondBaptistChurchSoonto�FulfillFinalMission�DeclaresSloanBaylorLendsaHelpingHandinBulldozing
UnnecessaryHistoricalLandmark
Astheleavesbegintoblossom,andflowersstarttobloom,BaylorUniversityisbreathingnewlifeintothelandSecondBaptistChurchcurrentlyinhabits.InakindheartedgesturethispastJanuary,theuniversityhip-checkeditswayintopurchasingthatclose-to-worthlesspieceoflandonwhichthechurchcurrentlyresides.
�Ijustdidn�tthinkitwasrighttoletthosepoorpeoplegoonoccupyingapieceoflandthatissteadilydecreasinginvalue,seeingashowitisrightinthemiddleofcampus,�Dr.BobrecentlytoldaLariatreporter.
Whenquestionedfurtherregardingthepropertyvalueoftheland,Sloanrespondedwith,�Wereallyjustdidthemahugefavor.Trustme.�Followingthatstatement,Bobbywasheardmumbling,�Doyouwannakeepyourminimumwagereportingjob?�
Afterthislandmarkcontaininga200-year-oldchurchisputoutofitsmisery,BUhasbigplansforitsnewacquisition.
�IwasrecentlygivenavisionfromtheLordontheuseofthisland,�saidSloan.�IdreamedofahugeF-Esignhoveringaboveit.Ohyeah,andtherewasa�Chili�sToo�rightnexttoit.�
PastorTroyofSecondBaptistseemedindifferentabouttheentiresituation.�Atfirst,Iwasalittledisappointedtobeforced�Imean,askedtosellourproperty.Then,thatcrazyoldguystartedmumblingstuffaboutfulfillingtheimperativeandhiscravingforchips,salsa,andranch.Afterthatdisplay,Ithrew�emthedeuceandsaid�I�mout.��
AttheendofMay,aftermostdiscerningstudentshavelefttown,SecondBaptistwillbenomore.Anddonotbesurprisediftheminoritystatisticsoncampus
mysteriouslydropfrom1.5percentto0.2.�Well,we�vesortofbeencountingthechurchmembers
PresidentSloanisallsmilesashepracticesknock-ingdownSecondBaptistChurchonhisbulldozer.
asapartofthecampuscensus,�saidEileenHulme.�Technically,theywereoncampus,andI�msuretheyheavilyimpactedstudentsbyosmosisorsomething.�
Afterhearingofunrestregardingthesituationfrombothsides,Sloanputeveryone�smindateasewithalookatthebigpicture.�Bydestroyingthishistoricallandmark,wearefulfillingthepurposeandmissionofbothentities.�
Aloudrelieved,�Ohphew,wellinthatcase��washeardfromthestudentbodyandchurchmembersafterhearingthiscomfortingstatement.However,somestudentswerealittledistraughtbythisresponse,butafterafewshortsecondsofindependentthought,mostdecidedtheymusthaveoverlookedthatimperativesomehow.
�Maybetheyshouldhaveusedabiggerfont,�concludedjuniorJuliaCunningham,bearinganoticeablefrownofdisdain.
Afterbeingquestionedfurtheraboutherconcernforthechurchanditssituation,sherespondedbysaying,�Huh?Whatchurch?AllIknowistheyareabouttotearupmycurrentparkingspaceatCastellaw�heartlessbastards.�
PETAPissedOffAgainBaylorAdministrationAccusedofNeglectingMammothElephantonCampusJustastheentireuprising
regardingBaylormascotsJoyandLadyhasdieddown,anotheranimalrightsissuesurgestotheforefront
onBaylor�scampus.PETAactivistsprotestedoutsideofPatNeffthispastweek,armedwithsignsdeclaring,�Stopignoringthatbig-asselephant�and�IhopeSloanstepsinanimalpoop!�
Whenaskedaboutthecauseoftheprotest,Sloanwascharacteristicallydumbfounded.�Idon�tknowwhattheyaretalkingabout,man.AllthesecrazieskeepyellingatmyhouseatnightwhileSueandIarehavingour�closed-blinds�time.�
WhenquestionedabouttheelephantthatevenLariatreportersclaimeddidnotexist,oneactivistgaveadetaileddescription.�Well,
he�sa947-poundelephant,wearingapinktutuandatightyellowshirtwithanirononslogansaying,�Ifmymemoryservesme,thereain�tnodiversity.�It�saneonoutfit.Youwouldhavetobeblindtomissit.�
Theelusiveelephantseemstobepoppingupallovercampus,whetherashimselforhisspiritembodiedinagifthe�sleftbehind.�Seriously,Ireallywishthisguywouldstoptakingacrapalloverourcampus,�saidsophomoreNickNunley.�Elephantornot,wehavefacilitiesforthattypeofthing.You
Anartist�srenderingofthesupposedelephant.Kidsareencouragedtocolorinthepictureandshowitto
theirparentsforpositivereinforcement.
PoppaRollo�sPizzeria
703N.ValleyMills776-6776
�RelaxBaby,youknowmysausageiskosher.�
don�tseeJoyroamin�alloverpoopin�everywhere,andsherunsthisdirtymug.�
Thepoopingreportedlyensuedfollowingan8-dayLariatdiversitycampaignthatwaslaunchedtodescribethefutureendeavorsofthisuniversity.
Afterbearingdaysofnon-stopprotests,Sloanfinallydecidedtotakeaction.DPSchiefDimJokeisonthelookout,andheplanstonabthisone.ActivistJohnBlackwitnessedthesenewmeasurestheDPSinstigatedlastweek.�Theyputafreakingorangebootonhisback-lefthoof!Areyoukiddingme?Whatishesupposedtodo,writeacheckforitandbeonhisway?�
Studentobserver,JericahEads,thinkstheelephant�spurposeisnotbeingseenbytheadministration,alongwiththeelephantitself.�Ithinkheiswearingthatpinktutuforareason,andsomeoneshouldpayattention.Thatgrossyellowshirtwithallthewritingisreallyrandomthough.Itdoesn�tcomplimenthisskintoneatall.�
Sloaniscurrentlyreviewinghisotheroptionstotakecareoftheproblemforgood.�Itisjustsimplyembarrassingtohavedillusionalpeopleonacampusofthisstatussayingthingsaboutanelephantthatdoesnotexist.Nextthingyouknow,someidiotisgonnabetellingmeIhavea2x4inmyeye.�
God�sWillFoundInCaveOnMt.RushmoreBaylorGirlsLament:BreakupJustificationClauseNotIncludedStrangely,andrather
timely,Bro.W.AxlNoZestumbleduponGod�sWillwhilevisitingthesacredsiteofMt.Rushmoreonapatriotictourofourgreatnationlastweek.
�Itjustcametome.IwasprayingforGodswillasIkneltnearthesummitofMt.RushmorewhensuddenlytherockbeneathmegaveslightlyrevealinganenormousfissureinthepartofThomasJefferson�shair.IfaithfullyleaptinandafterrollingaboutforawhilefoundmyselfinasmallroomaboutwhereTeddyRoosevelt�shypothalamuswouldbe.Onthefloorwasthisfreshlyprinted10-pagedocumentthatwasalreadydivinelytranslatedtoEnglishandappearedtohavecomefromtheveryCanonBubble-Jet2010Ihaveathome!IthoughtIwastrippin�JosephSmithstyle,butthiswastherealdeal.Iswear.I�vegottenwitnesses!�
Apparently,afterthediscoveryofGod�swill,thedocumentwaspromptlyconfiscatedbyexecutiveofficialsintheUnitedStatesGovernmentandhiddenawayatanundisclosedlocation.PresidentBushreportedbeingpleasedbecausehehadbeensearchingforthisparticulardocumentforquitesometime.
Recently,Christ�sNewTestamentdeclaration,�UponthisrockIwillbuildmychurch�hasbeenconnectedwiththediscoveryofPlymouthRockandthefoundationofthenation.InresponsePresidentBushstated,�Wedidn�tlandontheChurchofChrist.TheChurchofChristlandedonus.�
ThediscoveryconvenientlycomesatatimeofmystificationaboutGod�swillinregardtorecentcircumstances.Re-andde-jectedBayloriteBillySimpsonhasenormousmoralquestions:�I�djustlikeconfirmationthatitisindeedapartofGod�splanforgirlfriendsandboyfriendsnationwidetoditch
theirnot-really-that-loved-onescitingnootherreasonthatGod�sWill.(sniff,sniff)�
God�slegalstaffbrieflycommentedonthis,�Restassuredex�s,nowhereinthewillofGoddoesitsayanythingaboutterminatingrelationshipssimplybecauseHedoesn�tlikeit.We�vereadoverthisthingagainandagain,andbelievemeitsperfect.It�swhollypleasing,andit�sperfect.�
Thedocument,simplytitled,MyLastWilltobeUsedasanAddendumtotheLastTwoTestamentsI�veGiven,isamorespecificandclearcutexplanationofGod�sdesiresinarecognizableandlegallybindingformat,andifImay
Bankston�sCardsandCollectables
TheRock�swillfoundinarock.
sayso,readsahellofaloteasierthanprogressiverevelation.
TherearemanysurprisingomissionsfromthedocumentwhileseveralunlikelycandidatesgracethepagesofHismostgraciouswill.Someoftheissuesdiscludedincludethebeforementionedterminatingofrelationships,whetherornotpresidentBushshouldevenbeourpresident,participatinginpeaceprotests,andwhereyoushouldeattonight.Ontheotherhand,GodmakessuretonotethatBaylorstudentsshouldquitcomplainingaboutcampusparkingandusethelegsHehasgiventheminsteadofthekeystheirearthlyfatherdid,andthatKentuckyhadbetterpullthroughand
wintheNationalChampionshiporHe�souttoLucifer50grandinsouls.
1321S.ValleyMills755-0070
�Alrightboys,lastmanstandingwinsthelimitededitionstartrooperhelmet�.�
TheRopeAsks...
AreyouProorAntiSexontheFirstDate?
JamesDohan,PenlandFreshman
�IdigitallyhadsextwiceyesterdayaftermyInternetdate.IthinkImayhavecontractedavirusthough.�
RalphLazaro,FIJI
�I�mopentoprettymuchanything.Isup-poseifsomeoneaskedme,I�dtellthemI�maFIJIandthey�dprobablyputmeintheNavy(wink,wink).Ican�twaittowearthosecutelittlewhitesailorget-ups.�
MikeSloan,StillLacking
�AllIcansayisI�dliketohavealittlepiecethisweekend.�
BobSloan,Inthecloset
�Iguessyoucancallmepranti-sex.Butdon�tquotemeonthat.Wait,isn�tthatarealgender?�
MartinSmith,ROTCPrivate
�Look,I�dreallyliketohelpyouguyswithyoursurvey,butIhavetogodropabomb.�
Mr.PuzzleSays�MakeYourOwnWorshipSong
Fillinthefollowing:1.ActionVerb2.Favoriteareatohavetouched3.Adjective4.Adjective5.Adjective6.Adjective7.Favoriteholiday8.Gerund9.Noun10.Choose�Balls�or�Boobs�
Lord1me,tobea23and4,5and6With7,I�llbea8
9,for10
SingtheabovetothetuneofSanctuary,raiseyourhands,repeattwotimes,andthenprayforGod�sforgiveness.
Shutup.
ToWhomItMayConcern,
Welcometothewildandwackyworldofthemostancientandsupreme,nobleandserene,heardyetunseenNoZeBrotherhoodofElmMott.Youmaybeaskingyourself(oraclosefriend)�WhatthehellisthisRope?�Letmeassureyou,dearreader,thatTheRopeisnosimplepaper.Itisinsteadthekeytoanewworld,onefilledwithenlightenedwisdomandhilariousantics.Aworldofjoyandpeacewhereeveryoneisequalandnooneishungryforthenever-endingsustenancecalledjustice.Aworldunequaledintheannalsofhighereducation.Aworld�
Ah,whoamIkidding?TheRopeisjustanewspaper.That�sit,andanyonewhobelievesotherwiseisignorant.Infact,theNoZeBrotherhoodisjustasilly,littleclubofcampusjokersthatdressesupinbadHalloweencostumesandprancesaroundundertheauspicesofahigherpurpose.ThegrouptodayisanembarrassingmockeryofwhattheNoZeBrotherhoodwasyearsago.Our�satire�issub-paratbest,ourappearancesareinfrequent
anduninspired,andthestudentbodyis,atmost,apathetictowardsus.Ifitweren�tforthegreatBrotherhoodlegacy,wewouldjustbeanotherinalonglineofdisaffectedyouthsangryattheworld.
Sowhichisit?Probablysomewhereinbetweenthetwo.Iguessthedecisionisuptoyou.Don�tpraiseusbeforeyouhaveareason,anddon�tdismissuntilyou�vereadallofourwords.It�sasimplerequest,really.Areyouuptothetask?
Youseefriends,TheRopeisonlyasgoodasitsreaders.Ithasnopower,nopurpose,andnopointunlessyou,thereader,takethetimetodigestwhatyouseeinfrontofyou.Wecanwriteuntilourcollectivefinger�sbleed,butnoneofthatmattersunlessyoutakeintellectualresponsibilityforreadingandactuallythinkingaboutwhatwe�vesograciouslyplacedbeforeyou.Gotoit.
Allmylove,
IgNoZetius
ANotefromtheCunningLinguistRegentsCallForInspectionsOfVision2012SloanGiven48Hours
Amidatorrentofcontroversy,BaylorRegentsrecentlyannouncedtheirdesireforBaylor�sVision2012tobescrutinizedbyinspectorsfromU.S.News&WorldReportandmembersofthegeneralpublic.ThisisthelatestinaseriesofmovesonthepartoftheBoardofRegentstofulfillitsgivenduties.TheapparentdesiretohavesomethingofasayinthegovernanceandleadershipofBaylorcameasagreatshocktothemastermindof2012himself,RobertSloanal-Tikrit.
RobertorenouncedthemostrecentcallsforinspectionsfromatopastrategicoutpostinPatNeffwithagrabofhiscrotch,ashowofhisbum,andaresounding�¦þ�þ±þ�û�û�û�ûòý�þ{û!!�BaylorstudentsandadministratorsacrosscampuswereshockedatBob�scomments,butwhenpressed,revealedthattheyindeedpossessednoworkingknowledgeoftheArabiclanguageorthecharactersabove.
ThismostrecentmoveforinspectionscarriedasomewhatweightiertoneinthattheRegentshavegivenBoba48-hourwindowtocomplybefore�drastic�measures
willbetaken.Whenaskedwhatthosemeasuresindeedentailed,DraytonMcLane,chairmanoftheBoardofRegents,refusedtocomment,butwalkedawaymutteringsomethingaboutstoppingpaymentonaratherlargecheck.
ThesethreatshaveapparentlynotworriedSloanwhohasrecentlytakenupone-manchessinametaphoricalshowofsolidaritywithnoone.WhilethemajorityofBaylor�sRegentswerenotamusedwithBob�snewestshowcaseoftalent,somehavecalledthemovebrilliantandverysmart.ThosecommentsarebelievedtohavecomefromtheRegentswhodisagreedwiththelatestcallforinspectionsandhavemovedforgivingBobbiejustaweebitmoretime.�Itshocksmethatwearedesiringtocircumventthecurrentinspectionsystem.Ithinkthatweshould�wait,holdon��commentedoneRegent,reachingforhiscellphonefromhischicGuccimalecarry-all.�No,no.It�sbeerbeforeliquor,neversicker.Noonewillnotice.Bye.I�msorrywhatwerewetalkingabout?�
TheClaypotCafé
Thecaféformerlyknownas�Le�Newname,samegreatVietnamesecuisine.
920K.H.KultgenFreeway(nexttoLaQuinta)
756-2721
TheNoZeBrotherhood
CunningLinguistBro.IgNoZetiusReilly
LordeMayorBro.UltramagNoZe
ShekelKeeperBro.BilboBaggiNoZe
eBrotherBro.SamirNoZeenanajar
BoredofGraftBro.Mu-mu-mu-mySharoNoZe
Bro.W.AxlNoZeBro.RockyMarciaNoZe
Bro.SuperNoZa
BrothersBro.AmNoZetyInt.
Bro.DeusExMachiNoZeBro.INoZebriated
Bro.TenNoZeeWilliamsBro.NoZeanderthal
Bro.QuizNoZeBro.RoseanneRoseannaDaNoZe
Bro.XeNoZe,warriorprincessBro.CoNoZe,theBarbarian
Bro.HueyP.NoZetonBro.spaypaintcantotheNoZe
Tremblingneophytes,soreafraid
Bro.NoZetreDameWalk-onBro.NoZeb-gyn
Bro.YokoONoZeBro.DyNoZemite
Bro.BringindaNoZe,BringindafunkBro.AlPaciNoZe
ThoseGuysBro.Obi-WanKeNoZebi
Bro.PanchNoZeVilla
VenerableExilesBro.NoZettaStoneBro.MoNoZeLisa
Bro.TheNoZetoriousB.I.G.Bro.RobertoRosselliNoZe
Bro.NoZeBetter*
Kekomuckitymuck!Kekomuckitymuck!Menemenetekelupharsin!Satchelon,Bro.LongNoZe,satch!BSSS,BMMC,SSSS!Themostnobleandserene,immaculateanduncleanbrethrenofNoblebrothersalmostwishtosortofprovidethisun-publicun-servicinghardly-announcement:whetheryou�reahumanitarianoradisestablishmentarianoranadvocateoftheadministrationtheinevitablemindpenetrationhasoccurredandthedestinationundoubtedlyleavesyoudisturbed,ourinsinuationmayleaveyouperturbedbecausewe�veinferredthatyoutoohavebeenaffectedandinfectedbythenationalfrenzythatyoucouldn�tpossiblyhaveneglectedoraccidentallynotdetectedbutwe�verejectedtheimpulsetodabbleinnegativityandpessimisticun-productivityandwithdignitywerelatethisdebatetocauseyoutoinvestigateandelaborateonyouropinionsofyourpersonalstateandthestateoftheOnionmonetarily,politically,orotherwisebutunwisewouldbetodespisethisreminderthatit�sentirelycomprehensivetofeelapprehensivebecauselifeisnotalwaysextensivebutdayswillagainsurelybesunnyandalthoughgasisexpensiveandyoushouldconserveyourmoney,rememberthathereattheBrotherhoodwebringitfreeofchargesorelaxforabitandprepareforthefunny.CanIgetasatch?Satchel.Satchelissimo!
TheRopeBaylorToBecomeAPier1University
Asetofold,ugly,inferiorchairs(left)willbereplacedwiththenewPier1chair(right)assoonastheygoonclearance.
WACO�Today,PresidentandCEO,pseudoDr.BobB.Sloanannouncedwhatwillinthefuturemostcertainlyberegardedastheboldestplanofhispresidency.Dr.DonaldSchmeltekopfstated,�PresidentSloanfeelsthathisdynastywillnotbecompleteuntilhehasfoundawaytoputhis�face�onthiscampus.�
AccordingtoSchmeltekopf,Bobbiedecidedonthisboldvisionafterhisproposalthat3mosaicsofhisface(fromallangles)beproudlydisplayedonfountainmallinplaceofthatpeskygrassthatdieseveryhomecomingwassurprisingoverturned.
WhenquestionedSloanremarked,�Youknow,thecore,no�moreover,theessenceofthisUniversitylieswithinme�andmyboldvisionsforthefuture;thatvisionshouldhaveaface,andthatfaceshouldsportmytrademarksmile,andwhyinthehelldidyoutalktoSchmeltekopfanyway?�
Sloanreferencedaregents�meetingwhichtookplacethreeyearsagowhereadecisionwasmadetocontinuethered-brick
façadeonallbuildingserectedinthefutureonBaylorcampus.Afterlaughingaloudforsixandahalfminutesatsayingtheword�erected,�Sloancontinued,�Theregentsthoughttheyhadtakenawayanypossibility
ofmemakingmymarkwithoutpissingoneverycornerofeverybuildingonthiscampus,whichImayormaynothavedonealready,butIfoundaway�ifIcan�tchangetheoutsideofmyownbuildings,I�lljustchangetheinside�teehee,genius!�
Whenquestionedonhowhisplanwillmanifestitselfphysicallyattheuniversity,Bobbiereplied,�Twowords,wickereverywhere!Nostonewillgounturnedinmy
pursuittoputover-priced,sub-standardqualityfurnitureandaccessoriesineveryroomofeverybuilding.Wickerdesksandchairsetswithcrushedbamboosurfacesineveryclassroom,functionalandstylishcobalt
stackablebowlsandflatwareforPenlandCafeteria(Suefoundadeal),andthatisjustthebeginning.�
AlthoughSloaninsiststhattherestorationprocesshasalreadybegunwiththesubstitutionofanimalshapedpaperclipsfornormal
paperclipsinallfacultysupplyrooms,theprocessisnotscheduledtobeginofficiallyuntilthesummerof2003.Coincidentally,thatiswhenPier1hasscheduleditsannual�SpringCleaningSavingsSpectacularSale.�
AccordingtoSloan,�Iwantthestudentstoleavetheold,boringregents�Baylor,andcomebacktotheastonishinglyAmericanawithasplashoftheorient�BaylorbySloan;Ican�twaittomeetKirstieAlley!�
