Contents

“When Love Calls, Where Will You Be”by Duncan Trussell.

Transcription of the opening monologue from episode 116 of the Duncan Trussell Family Hour Podcast.

Illustrations by Judith Greene

Next IssueAncient Roman Sexuality

THE sex filesThe Sex Files is published independently

in the traditional lands of the Wardandi people,now known as Busselton.

I acknowledge the elders passed and presentwho have nurtured the land since

people first awoke from the Great Dream, and will continue to nurture it until

the end of time.

This zine is public domain.It can be reprinted, distributed, edited,

for free or for money.Forever and ever.

INTRODUCTION

This is the first issue of The Sex Files and I'd consider it to be my firstsuccessful zine. In August 2014 I was living with babe and our mutualplatonic buddy-babe in a place that's just up the road from me and babescurrent dwellings. We didn't have broadband, so we found other things todo. One arvo smoking out the front, scrolling facebook, I saw a post aboutthe 2014 Bunbury Zine Fair which was gonna be in October. So we allmade some zines. Babe made a zine called RANT ZINE by SPIKEY andit's really good. Buddy-babe made a zine called HAVE IT YOUR WAYand it's also really good. I didn't really make a zine. I smashed some pagestogether and called it a zine but it wasn't really one, it didn't feel right. Ismashed some more pages together and called it a zine but it still didn'tfeel right. The Zine fair came and went and we got broadband and thezine thing sort of went dormant. I've been working on stuff for zines thiswhole time, it's just been issues with formatting and collecting mythoughts. The first iteration of this zine was called BART RAG #1 –LOVE AND SEX, and was going to feature the content from this zineplus heeeaps more but after a few weeks thinking and working theprojected page count boomed to a couple of hundred pages. So The SexFiles came about. A Zine about sex, love, sexuality, gender, in relation tostuff like history, language, politics, and myth and the paranormal. Thisseemed like the perfect fit. I could write about the things I liked using anarrowed down subject matter. This first issue doesn't feature anyoriginal writing, but rather features a piece which I think people shouldread. It was originally the opening monologue to an episode of a podcastby the terrific comedian and hippie Duncan Trussell. It's all about howthe world can be a dangerous place, how you could die at any moment,but if you look at it a different way, you can see that the world is equallya beautiful loving place. Where will you be when love calls? And will youeven hear it?

xoxoJudith

whenlovecallswherewillyou be

When love calls, where will you be? When love calls, where will you be? When love calls, where will you be? Will you hear the

knock? When love calls

your name?

“When love calls, where will you be?”

That is the question Daniel Johnston andJad Fair are asking all of us on

their amazing album

It's Spooky.

Where will you be when love calls, and will you even hear it?

When you're wandering throughsome city, briefcase in hand, fresh lines

of cocaine oozing down the back of yourthroat, eyes bulging out of your head as

you go rushing into the direction ofwhatever stock exchange you're

planning on trading shares for.Will you hear it?

When you cross paths with the person who could

become the portal through which your progeny go exploding

into this universe?

Or will you be deafened by thesound of your own inner

monologue? Will you be too lost in the cyclone, and the

hurricane of thoughts, that up untilthat point have completely defined youas a person. Blown around inside your

mind like Dorothy and that house, littledog yapping, witches flying around.

Will you hear it?Will you hear it when love calls?

So many people don't.

So many people fill their ears with the waxyessence of fear. Their ears have a kind of

psychic filter shoved into them so the onlything they hear are reminders that the world

is a pit.

That smoke rises up from the cities of the worldwhich are perpetually collapsing into the mouths

of the Goddess Kali, all things destroyed, chewed up, spit out.

The world is like a chainsaw droppedby a serial killer on some dusty

Texas highway.

An abandoned implement of

gruesome deathleft on the skin

of time by somemalicious god.

A malicious device still clottedwith the meaty,hairy clumps ofwhatever sorority househe just sawed topieces beforehitching a ridewith some unlucky truckerto San Antonio.

Some people think the worldis a viper's nest, a deadly pit.Your mind thinks that,

why wouldn't itthink that?

It is dangerous in so many different ways. The world is a dangerous place. You can't deny that fact.

The world is a dangerous, dangerous place.

All you gotta do is flick on Nancy Gracefor a few minutes, or watch one of thoseautopsy shows on HBO, or tune into the Drudge Report, or watch videosof ISIL, or Al-Qaeda videos, orSeptember 11 videos.

All you gottado is standat the edge

of a busystreet and

recognise thatif by accident

the wrong neuronfires in your brain &

you go stepping infront of a truck,

that's it, you willexplode like a bloody

water balloon,horrifying people for

the rest of their lives. You will create Post-Traumatic StressDisorder for all those people who watched you get ground up into

the wheels of a semi because your brain malfunctioned.

Constantly surrounded by the potential of being devoured by time,constantly surrounded by the potential of vanishing instantaneously

from this dimension, from being slammed out of our bodies.Being eaten by wild animals,

it happens all the time!

You could just be jogging and some pack of roving pitbulls could come clambering out of the foliage and chew you to pieces friends. And if the pitbulls don't get you a shooter come get you.

Some insane lunatic, all amped up bywhatever anti-depressants or vapour penhe happens to be inhaling and chompingat the same time as he goes marchingthrough a shopping mall with hisAR-15 blazing, blastingholes in the back ofthe heads

of innocentpeople

who wanted nothingmore than to

buy a swiffer from Target.

All you have to do is turn on the news to know that we exist on a planet where the ice caps are melting, where nature itself seems to be rising up against all humanity as though we were some awful cancer about to be wiped out by the white blood cells of planet earth, who will soon cover the cities of earth in swampy, brackish, malarial water, and if it's not the earth that gets you and if its not your brain malfunctioning that gets you and it's not a shooter that gets you then it's gonna be some unknown disease that could be growing inside your body at this very moment, some terrible malicious malignancy that you don't even know about. It's true.

The world is a billion gnashing teethif you look at it a certain way. It's

always been like this. There'salways been lions and snakes.

There was a time in humanhistory when the snakes werewinning the game. We had tostay in the trees. The moment

you came down, if you weresome poor monkey, you'd get

simultaneously swarmed bydeadly adders andrampaging hyena

beings. That's whatit was like to be

a Proto-Hominid.

Way back in theearly Dawn of

Man.

The entirety ofnature is this strange

caloric exchange, where life getssucked into some being, shit out,

flowers grow, the flowers pollinateand create food for more life which

gets eaten by more cats.The whole god damn thing eating

itself up.

It's almost like we've gotten trapped in some

kind of atomic grinder, and withthe unfortunate gift of sentiencewhich makes us aware of the fact

that whole thing could explode on top of us and we go to the hospital

or end up experiencing some horrible few months as

everything inside us explodes with chemical cancer

fire.

So. That element of the universe exists. And the mind, constantly spinsand runs around, lost in an endless fear cycle. And if you end up in thatgod damn fear cycle how the hell are you gonna meet eyes with thatsweet, beautiful darling?

When love calls, where will you be?

What channel are you going to tune into in this universe? The universe offear, the body of fear as the Buddhists call it, the inarguable andinescapable truth that everything you own, and everything you are,everything you know will vanish into oblivion for infinity eventually. Isthat what you're going to tune into? Is that the excuse you're gonnamake?

Is that what you're going to use to rationalise and justify the fact that forthe majority of your life you've been in a boxing match, not withsomebody who wants to knock you unconscious, break your jaw, so thatthey can wear a golden belt and prance around an arena filled withcheering morons in Vegas.

But a boxing match with the force of love,that isn't trying to punch you but give youthe ultimate hug. And you're just swinging & punching& swearing & fighting desperately against this strange and beautiful force that exists in the universe and has been the wind in thesails of countless romantics, mystics and saints and other inspired people who have existed since the beginning of time.

YES! It's a deadly world out there. I'm scared all the fucking time, and notjust because I eat Cheeba Chews everyday – which are a very powerfuledible form of medical marijuana. But because there's a very huge part ofmy mind that's fear based, freaking out, screaming, cutting itself withevery possible negative scenario that could happen at any given moment.For example;

Today. Beautiful walk with my dogs. Beautiful walk. I waswalking up the pavement and I passed this nice elderly couple and theyloved the dogs because the little one – a poodle – is just learning to walkand it can't seem to understand that he can walk straight ahead. It's likehe's on a diagonal and he's being sucked into an invisible fan. But he'slearning and it's super cute. He's trying.

This nice elderly couple sees this idiotic diagonal dog and they stop andthey laugh and the elderly gentleman reaches into his pocket and pulls outtwo pieces of dog biscuit.

“Do you mind if I feed your dog?”“No, go ahead.”

But in my mind I'm thinking, wait a minute. Wait a minute! I think I saw something like this

on Nancy Grace or one of those autopsy shows andI'm already hearing the news story.

Idiot stoned hippy allows elderly dog killer to feedhis dog massive doses of cyanide mercury resultingin the painful death of his dogs, which ten minutes later popped like two fat bloody ticks on the summer pavement.

That's my mind. That's what my mind does. You can put anything infront of my mind and it will find a way in which that thing can kill it.Anything. Bumblebees, Babies. If it's a baby the feeling is oh shit man Ihope I don't accidentally step on the baby or drop the baby or... you nameit.

My mind is like a trailer park amphetamine addict drunk on Budweisersscreaming out his window at the clouds in the sky. It's just a function ofthe mind. They call it the body of fear in Buddhism. It's in every religion.The acknowledgement that there is this aspect of the universe which isactively devouring all humanity.

Here's a great verse from theBhagavad Gita. Chapter 11,Verse 24.

This is when Arjuna (the protagonist of the BhagavadGita, the symbolic representationof all humanity, the hero part ofthe self that is inevitably faced with having to fight, to have thecourage to go plunging into the frayregardless of outcome) and Krishna has revealed toArjuna his Universal Forms. This is a scary moment which sounds like some kind of psychedelic DMT trip.

O Lord of Lords, O refuge of the worlds. Please be gracious to me. I cannot keep my balance seeing thus your blazing death-like faces and awful teeth. In all directions I am bewildered.

All the sons of Dhrtarastra, along with their allied Kings, Bhisma, Drona, Karna, and all our soldiers are rushing into your mouths and their heads smashed byyour fearful teeth. I see that some are being crushed between your teeth as well.

As the rivers flow into the sea so to do these great warriors enter your blazing mouths and perish.

I see all people rushing will full speed into your mouths as moths dash into a blazing fire.

O Vishnu, I see you devouring all people into your blazing mouths and covering the universe with your immeasurable rays, scorching the worlds. You are manifest.

O Lord of Lords, so fierce in form, please tell me whoyou are. I offer my abaysenses unto you. Please be gracious to me, I do not know what your mission is and I desire to hear of it.

The blessed Lord said; “Time I am. Destroyer of the worlds and I have come to engage all people. All the soldiers here on both sides will be slain. Therefore getup and prepare to fight. Everyone is put to death by my arrangement, and you can be an instrument in thefight.”

That's a pretty grim, ancienttext so you know it reads likea god damn Conan the

Barbarian comic.

But it contains within it the acknowledgement that no matterwhat you do – you could reanimate

Steve Jobs rotting corpse and put him in a laboratory with the rotten corpses of Tesla and Einstein and bring all the great inventors who exist in the world today; Bill Gates, throw Stephen Hawking into that stinking, half zombie filled laboratory,

Elon Musk, get him in there. Throw them all into thisalchemical laboratory and givethem all the money and resources that they couldpossibly want and need andtell them that you want themto create some kind of devicethat will protect you from theinevitable demise that we all face,

and they could never do it.Even if you spent an infinite amountof time and figured out a way to transform the atomic structure of your body into some kind of never changing infinitehuman form, they can't stop stop from supernoving andwiping out the planet... the black holes are eventually going

to congeal together and we're all going to get sucked into some kind of impossible

to understand singularity and there's nothing we can do about it.

So if you're letting your mind trick you by clanging pots together and drawing your attention away from the more subtle call of love that exists everywhere. It doesn't just have to be sexual love. It doesn't just have to be the secret love you feel for your step sister who you desperately want to finger under the stairs. That's just an extreme version of this force of love that permeates through all things.

When love calls, where will you be?

The fascinating thing is the only place you're going to be is in the present moment.

You're probably never gonna be able to stop that part of your mind, thatchattering Hellraiser cube part of your mind with the meat hooks hangingdown from the ceiling with the weird cenobite demons with the pins inyour head telling you how everything is just pain.

But the great hope is that you can understand that this is just one part ofyour brain. That's just one part of the universe of your mind.Theoretically if you can begin the slow process of disengaging from thatSlayer concert that's been raging inside your mind ever since you realisedthat your parents are going to die. There a possibility that you will hear,

from an unexpected place, a brand new sound that you forgot ever existed. It's the sound babies hear. It's the sound

that lies underneath the turbulence and horror of the modern world. It's

the sound of love friends.

Where will you be whenlove calls?

I'll tell you one place you won't be when love calls.

YOUR COFFIN! By then it's too late. You've closed off, let the fear mind activate the laser sensors on the vault of your heart and shut those fucking doors down, sealed you down and closed you off and you walk around the world with your fists clenched, writing angry blogs about shit Ricky Gervais said. Then you're going to miss out.

It's as though there's some enormous buffet that exists on a Garden of Eden like planet and youdecide to stay at the section of thebuffet that only serves diarrhoea.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT THE POOP FROM THE BUFFET OF LIFE FOR YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE!!

You can eat pasta, as Jesus said.

Hear it! It's the 4th of July, hear it! It's the sound of fireworks. It's underthe sound of fireworks. It's inside the sound of birdies. It's even inside thesound of chainsaws ripping sorority sisters apart underneath a Texanmoon.

It's inside everything just like salt's inside all the water in the ocean, atleast that's what the super smart people say. Who knows? Maybe I'm justa loony hippy who likes to eat marijuana and ride his bike around. But Ican tell you that every time in my life when I become convinced that itwill never emerge into my existence again. Every time I've becomeconvinced that that's it, I might as well start eating cat food and shakingmy fist at Mexican kidsriding their bikesin front of my house.

That's when itcomes. And when itcomes you have to bethere to open the door.

If you don't, and you let fear take over and you allow your mind to tell you, oh you're

gonna get your heart broken this time man. SO WHAT?Better to have a broken heart than a heart covered with a meaty

fear callous that comes from a cowards life.Pick the pain it doesn't matter. We're all plunging into the void

anyway. Take the ride. When love calls, pick up the god damn phone.

Spray some water on those drooling, fang toothed lifearid fields friends. Let the cunt. Erupting negativityuniverse shave off that on all those who cross pathsnasty, yellowing, with you. You're just translucent callous that going to have to dealyou've allowed to form with that. You're goingaround your sweet to have to deal withheart, but be careful, the fact that you're goingonce the flat, still, to become a sweet briney, malarial water of powdered little babiesyour subjective cheek that everyone'sconciousness gets filled going to want to pinch.with the effervescent And yeah, we know, bubbles that come from you're afraid you're notfalling in love you will going to be funny anymore,no longer be able to that your business won't befunction as a cunt in as successful, that some the same way. Of your life based on being

a god damn infection isThat can create a lot of going to fall apart.problems if you've basedyour entire life on being a You know what?

Let it fall apart.

It's already fallen apart.

Trust me.

We're in some kind offlux right now

and your distance relatives

have already forgotten about you

at some point in the future.

Forget your stupid career based on being a dickhead.

Forget your dumb career based on being

cruel to people,

or whatever life path you've taken that

some how,

your mind has convinced you is

only working because you're a closed off,

shut down,

human swamp adder.Let it fall apart.

You'll be fine.