The Thick of It - 3x08

8/10/2019 The Thick of It - 3x08

1/52

100:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,434We both know we don't like each other.Everyone knows that.

200:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,988We are the Gallagher brothersof politics.

300:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,355You're all over the newspaperslike a pissing puppy, Malcolm.

400:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,591That's what we mastersof the dark arts call a blip.

500:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,275We need to start booting upthis crime stats enquiry.

600:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,475Julius, what is the deal?

700:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,552JULIUS: At the moment,Malcolm is getting the sack.

800:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,878You fucking speak! You've always

fucking got something to say.

900:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,349- I'm only a cabinet minister!- Fuck off, then.

1000:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,192Malcolm Tucker has resigned.

1100:00:26,280 --> 00:00:27,554

(ALL CHEERING)

1200:00:27,640 --> 00:00:28,993Happy days!

1300:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,355You will fucking see me again!


2/52

1400:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,037MAN 1: Malcolm?MAN 2: Malcolm?

1500:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,109MAN 3: Malcolm?

1600:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,872I can't comment. Let me in. Now.

1700:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,157- What are you going to do now?- Watch the hedge. Watch the hedge.

1800:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,470I'm just trying to get home, please.

1900:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,518

Show's over, okay? Fucking bacteria.

2000:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,793(REPORTERS CALLING OUT)

2100:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,071You know, I just can't quitebelieve this.

2200:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,833

I mean, this is the single mostshocking thing I've seen in politics

2300:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,955since the SDP.

2400:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,759I thought he'd at least go outwith a bang or a killing spree.

25

00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,513I always imaginedhe'd just shout so hard

2600:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,670his lungs would come upand choke him to death.

27


3/52

00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,836- (EMMA CHUCKLES)- MANNION: End of an era.

2800:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,512Yeah, a really shit era though,isn't it?

2900:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,749(PHIL WHOOPING)

3000:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,637- Yeah, all right, calm down.- Balrog's dead!

3100:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,119I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done.

3200:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,316

I mean, no one can replace him.It's like when Queen lost Freddie.

3300:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,231You know.Certainly not Paul Rodgers.

3400:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,959All right, everyone. That's thetwo seconds of respect due to him,

3500:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,315now get back to your desksand do something, okay?

3600:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,550Not the sofa.Who are you, Lorraine Kelly?

3700:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,949Get out here and do something.

If you've nothing to do, leave,

3800:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,952because you're clearlysurplus to requirements.

3900:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,237Um, lads and lasses.


4/52

4000:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,639(LAUGHING)

4100:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,870Please, just a quick word. Thank you.

4200:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,191Really, it's just a hand-hold

4300:01:38,280 --> 00:01:43,229to set the tonefor a slightly re-jigged regime.

4400:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,108I've done all the important departmentsand now I've got to you.

45

00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,633(LAUGHS)

4600:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,231Seriously, I've donethat joke everywhere but...

4700:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,949Even with the genuinely big departments.So I'm not...

4800:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,189(IMITATES GUN FIRING)

4900:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,829...aiming at you in any sortof a snide way.

5000:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,950I'm just checking that we're allat the very top of our games.

5100:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,951- Glenn, mate?- Sorry.

5200:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,837- Are you on top of your game?- On top?


5/52

5300:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,990I am above my game.

5400:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,913I'm in a geo stationary orbit,way above it

5500:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,116looking down and going,"Hello, game, it's Glenn."

5600:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,679(LAUGHS) Right.

5700:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,116You know, there's an election looming.This is quite a serious time.

5800:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,918We need to be aware of that.

5900:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,356But I love humourand that was good humour.

6000:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,433Do you want to swim the Channelfor Scope?

6100:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,555No!

6200:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,950Do you want to do Dragons' Denfor Children in Need?

6300:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,231I'd rather fuck a real dragon.

6400:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,711Would you consider promotinga politically themed restaurant?

6500:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,470How does that even work?Oh, fuck no. I don't care.


6/52

6600:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,274Would you like to writea children's book

6700:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,635called The Angry Spider?

6800:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,199So, everything, good.

6900:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,558Yeah, you know, a bit of instabilitywith Malcolm gone,

7000:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,838a sort of sense of post, you know,psychotic twats disorder, but...

7100:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,629No, no, listen, I understand.But you know,

7200:03:05,720 --> 00:03:10,510right now you're all emergingfrom the cellar,

7300:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,631pleased that the beatings have stopped,

7400:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,914scared of what the future might hold,

7500:03:18,440 --> 00:03:22,991but long-term, I thinkwe're all going to be okay.

7600:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,230Pep talk over.

7700:03:25,320 --> 00:03:29,074Return to your desksand prepare for government.

7800:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,718We're in government.


7/52

7900:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,156Well, then, prepareto stay in government.

8000:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,800- Oh, right. How do we do that?- We pack an overnight bag.

8100:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,348Would you please fucking well...

8200:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,468(LAUGHS)

8300:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,157Do you know, I'm sorry.I lost my temper.

84

00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,231Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?

8500:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,834Oh, I know, I've found it again.It's all right.

8600:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,751Always in the last place you look, eh?

87

00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:52,989So, can I?

8800:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,115- Yeah.- Great.

8900:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,997Uh, actually, can I havea word with you, Nicky, please?

9000:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,513Yeah. Nicola.

9100:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,031I just wanted to check.

9200:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,629


8/52

Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal

9300:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,950is going house to housethrough the cabinet

9400:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,077looking for numbskullsstupid enough to resign

9500:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,357to trigger his elevation to the throne.

9600:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,675- Obviously.- What I need to know is

9700:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,273are you solid?

9800:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,477Yeah, I am completely...I am solid as the proverbial.

9900:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,755As a rock, as a rock-hard...

10000:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,435As a sailor's wang on shore leave.

10100:04:28,520 --> 00:04:29,714Superb.

10200:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,993You really are the potty mouth,aren't you?

10300:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,833(LAUGHS) Well, a lot to do.

10400:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,150Olly, Glenn, in here now.Quick, quick, quick.

10500:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,593Oh, Glenn, don't faff aboutwith your glasses.


9/52

10600:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,669I know you take them off

10700:04:42,760 --> 00:04:43,954every time you come in here.It's not impressive.

10800:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,632What do we knowabout the anti-Tom cabal?

10900:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,392Why have I not been contacted by them?

11000:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,675- Well, um, ah...- Because it would be you...

11100:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,389You're seen very muchas an individual around the...

11200:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,708That's bollocks, isn't it?

11300:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,950It's 'cause I'm the girl at the partynobody wants to dance with.

11400:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,952I'm the freak in the cornerwith a pint of cider and blackcurrant

11500:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,838- and the funny eye.- No, no. I mean, it's...

11600:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,070

You know, it's a big Rolodexfull of numbers. I'm sure...

11700:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,559Thank you. You may go.

11800:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,596(STAMMERS) We still would like


10/52

to dance with you.

11900:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,069Oh, fuck off.Go and put your glasses back on.

12000:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,513- Malcolm.- Sarah Jennings.

12100:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,751Welcome to the BBC.Did you have any trouble getting here?

12200:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,308No. I had trouble getting in.They thought I was a terrorist.

12300:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,389

Oh!

12400:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,675(LAUGHS) If you'd liketo take a seat down there.

12500:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,796So, we're really very excited.

12600:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,189

Yeah, this could bethe highlight of my career.

12700:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,395And I've taken a dumpin the White House.

12800:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,515(CHUCKLES)

129

00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,319See, that's great banter.That's exactly what we're looking for.

13000:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,469Is it?

13100:05:32,560 --> 00:05:36,872


11/52

So, this pitch.It's for the sort of person

13200:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,839who tried coke once, but didn't like it.

13300:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,480It's a BBC Three show, yeah? It's...

13400:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,393It's a bullshit description,but, you know, it paints a picture.

13500:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,311- Who didn't like coke?- That sort of thing.

13600:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,833(CHUCKLES) Oh!

13700:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,878Yeah, so the idea is you're goingto be talking to other people

13800:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,235who, like you, have beenthrough the shit.

13900:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,880

For this, I was thinking

14000:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,633Brian Keenan. Uh, Kerry Katona.

14100:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,990Sorry, do you mind?I'm sorry, I've got to take this.

14200:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,798

- Just give me a second.- Yeah, no. No, no, no worries.

14300:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,950We'll continue this, yeah?

14400:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,189Hello?


12/52

14500:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,949SARAH: Uh... Oh, he seems cool.

14600:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,279Oh, hello.Where did you go for lunch, Belgium?

14700:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,588I was meeting a friend.

14800:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,669GLENN: Oh!OLLY: Right.

14900:06:17,760 --> 00:06:18,988Meanwhile, back in Gotham City,

150

00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,119the Express is running the ideathat your victim support scheme

15100:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,111is actually a rapists' charter.

15200:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,998And, um, Steve Flemingwants you to do some local media.

15300:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,479There's this guy who's very angry.

15400:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,755His dead mumkeeps getting sent parking tickets.

15500:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,879- So can we cover that, please?- So dead mum, rapists.

15600:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,473Yeah. All good.

15700:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,871Olly, could you assemblea policy profile for me


13/52

15800:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,952for the Centre for Economic Reformout of Yale?

15900:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,712Yes, I can. Uh, why?

16000:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,997Just curiosity.It's a very interesting think tank.

16100:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,231Haven't been offered a jobor anything, have you?

16200:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,517You might comment,I couldn't possibly say yes.

16300:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,596I mean, if you've been offered a jobwe'd better start,

16400:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,989you know, looking aroundfor something to do ourselves.

16500:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,753No, you can't start planning an exit

from this department.

16600:07:02,840 --> 00:07:03,989That would undermine me.

16700:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,719Nicola, there's someonecalled Hannah on line three.

16800:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,995

- Yes.- She's from the Centre for Economic...

16900:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,594Thank you. Please scram. Sod off.

17000:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,719- Get out. Don't go looking for jobs.


14/52

- So what do you reckon?

17100:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,916Well, sod that.We'd better put some feelers out.

17200:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,558But, you know, we'll do it discreetly.

17300:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,835Yeah, like you do on the Tube.

17400:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,229Well, I suppose it is the end now,isn't it, for you two?

17500:07:24,320 --> 00:07:28,632The full stop after all those commas.A few little semi-colons on the way.

17600:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,676Well, I wouldn't be quite so smug,Terri,

17700:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,433because I heard from very good sources

17800:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,512that the opposition

will be getting the Fucker in.

17900:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,999Yeah, that's what I heard, too.

18000:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,433They're definitelygetting the Fucker in.

18100:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,112

- I haven't heard that. That's...- The Fucker, he coming.

18200:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,713- No, that...- He coming to your town.

18300:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,836


15/52

You do know why theycall him the Fucker,

18400:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,239don't you, Terri?

18500:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,753- Yes.- No, sorry, not you.

18600:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,912Is it because he's a bit of a fucker?

18700:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,399So it's not goingto be easy for Peter Mannion.

18800:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,391He's not going to be reading

The Wind in the Willows,

18900:07:54,480 --> 00:07:55,549sipping chamomile tea.

19000:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,677He's going to havea crash helmet on, bent over,

19100:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,196

doing his best to be heardover a force 10 fucking from the Fucker.

19200:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,269Piers, hello.

19300:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,395ANDREW NEIL ON TV: Even three monthswon't be long enough.

194

00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,391(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

19500:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,835Hello, Philip Schofield.I fuck lobsters for money.

19600:08:16,680 --> 00:08:17,795


16/52

Oh?

19700:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,757- Take the rice first.- MALCOLM: Thank you.

19800:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,879I want you to be very clear, Malc,about why it is that I brought you in.

19900:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,154That's fine. That's fine.

20000:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,629Do you know what hat it isthat I'm wearing?

20100:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,199Is it your baldy swimming cap wig?

20200:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,352No, it is my governmenttroubleshooter stetson,

20300:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,830which is a long way from myhomburg of sober enquiry.

20400:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,956

Do you know that I'm thinkingabout doing a television programme?

20500:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,315Well, I had heard somethingon the grapevine.

20600:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,119Yeah, it's good. You know that programmeCivilisation with Kenneth Clarke?

20700:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,599- Oh, yes.- It's going to be like that

20800:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,238except with fucking more quim, you know?

209


17/52

00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,756It's me, Simon Schama andAlan Yentob in a cage,

21000:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,434fucking lump hammer each,whacking the shit out of each other.

21100:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,988The last man standing winsa fucking Ford Focus.

21200:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,798The thing is, Malcolm,

21300:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,839your departure has basicallyprecipitated a call-to-arms, in effect.

214

00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,275We have it on reasonably good authority

21500:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,909that there are between three to fourcabinet ministers who are disgruntled

21600:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,752and are planning a mass resignation.

217

00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,593And that means, very simply,a Dan Miller coronation.

21800:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,638And as my nephew would say,

21900:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,631"This shit just got real."

220

00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,518- Your nephew?- Yeah, he's at Charterhouse.

22100:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,194Only a day boy, not a boarder.

22200:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,919


18/52

Anyway, the fact isit has to be stopped.

22300:09:24,000 --> 00:09:28,278Um... There have beena number of ideas being tossed around.

22400:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,717And one of them iswould you be prepared to come back?

22500:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,877Are you out of your tiny,shiny fucking mind?

22600:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,632Look, we can do this simply.

22700:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,359

Step one. Are you interested?Of course you are.

22800:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,635Step two. Will you come back?

22900:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,509Yes?

23000:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,440

Superb. Step three,and this is the important step,

23100:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,354will you use your considerable influenceto destroy the cabal?

23200:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,718Can I drop it down?

233

00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,914Fan-dabi-dozi!Step four. It's party time.

23400:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,230Let's tool up with basmati rice and...

23500:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,355


19/52

Wahey!

23600:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,513You're asking meto come back here and mop up

23700:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,795the fucking splatterfrom my own assassination?

23800:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,269You know where the bodies are buried.

23900:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,032And we'll just sayyou're coming back to advise.

24000:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,189It's election strategy.

24100:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,840It's not a day-to-daygovernment business role.

24200:10:17,920 --> 00:10:22,436I can't come back in here unless I knowI'm in the clear in your report.

24300:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,479

I am not in a position to discuss that.Not with my current hat on.

24400:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,028However, would I be sat here now

24500:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,112if the man in the other hat,which is also me,

246

00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,552wasn't sure that everyoneinvolved in this enquiry

24700:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,949didn't come out relatively well?

24800:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,635


20/52

And what about Steve Fleming, yeah?

24900:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,517You schizo hat fuck.

25000:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,352Let me put it this way.

25100:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,158You see this onion bhaji?

25200:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,959Let us pretend for a minutethat that onion bhaji

25300:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,758is the problems that would be caused

254

00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,991by a report that criticised youor Steve Fleming.

25500:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,229Hmm?

25600:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,749Watch.

257

00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,389You see what I'm doing?I'm eating the onion bhaji.

25800:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,269Why?

25900:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,677Because I am the manthat makes the bhaji go away.

26000:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,159There's a rumour thatyou're getting the Fucker in.

26100:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,389Are you lot getting the Fucker in?

262


21/52

00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,438Well, look, if you arejust say the word "Fucker".

26300:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,715- Uh... I'll call you back.- Hey.

26400:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,392Tintin's sexy sister.

26500:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,711- You're back. Are you back?- I'm back like ballroom dancing.

26600:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,351And I need your help,my little Fuckbob Shitpants.

267

00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,829Right. Um, well, okay.

26800:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,753I need you to hook me up to a printer.I need a printer.

26900:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,354This is some weight.

270

00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,270I won't do any blow-job jokesif you don't, mate.

27100:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,477Uh, yeah, copy that, mate.

27200:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,755Listen, just because somebodyhas to kill people for a living,

27300:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,671it doesn't make them a killer.Do you know what I mean?

27400:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,398Not hugely, Malcolm, no.

275


22/52

00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,277Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory?

27600:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,669- What's been happening? Come on.- Nothing much, really.

27700:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,876Um, just, only a bit of turbulence.

27800:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,794There's this, um, this jobNicola's thinking of taking.

27900:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,314- Yale, apparently.- The key people?

28000:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,915

(LAUGHS) No, the university.

28100:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,311There's a think tank therethat's approached her.

28200:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,954I don't think that would be a good idea.Do you think that would be a good idea?

283

00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,678Well, she seems pretty set on it.Actually, she...

28400:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433Do you think that would be a good idea?

28500:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,118I'll have a word with her.

286

00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,838- Yeah, have a word with her.- Yeah.

28700:12:17,920 --> 00:12:18,989- Fine.- So you're not going to ask me

288


23/52

00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,798how I'm getting on?

28900:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,193Sorry, that was very rude.

29000:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,033How are you getting on, Malcolm?How are you?

29100:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,476- You know, good days and bad days.- Right.

29200:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,675This Steve Fleming thing's...

29300:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,912I don't, you know...

29400:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,875The guy's...I fucking despise the guy, you know.

29500:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,272I despise him as much as fuckingjames May presumably despises himself.

29600:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,872

I'm glad he's getting the fuckingdeath sentence in Nicholson's report.

29700:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,434Ah! Death sentence for Fleming.

29800:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,751You know, that's not somethingthat should be out there.

299

00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,558No. No, no, no, no.

30000:12:54,640 --> 00:12:55,755- I'll catch you later, thanks.- Yes.

30100:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,592


24/52

- Thanks for doing that.- Not a problem, Malcolm.

30200:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,274- My very great...- Brilliant.

30300:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,109Malcolm's back.Malcolm's back, he's through there.

30400:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,349- What?- GLENN: I'll call you back.

30500:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,829- Hi.- Hello. You all right?

306

00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,911You've got that"cock in the cookie jar" look.

30700:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,877- He's back.- Who? Barrymore?

30800:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,393- No.- Clement Attlee?

30900:13:14,480 --> 00:13:15,595- Oh, fuck.- Yes.

31000:13:15,680 --> 00:13:16,669- Malcolm.- Yes.

31100:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,432

Oh, no. God, he's going to kill me.

31200:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,318I was there when he was being sackedand he asked me for help

31300:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,868and I held out and now he's going to


25/52

want revenge, isn't he?

31400:13:23,960 --> 00:13:24,995Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

31500:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,389It's gonna be like Kill Billor Get Carter.

31600:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,277Only it's going to beget and kill Nicola

31700:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,079and then get Carter and Billto fucking kill her, too.

31800:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,309How did you hear about it?

31900:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,470Well, I just connected his computerfor him in the old liaison...

32000:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,913- Fuck! He's in the building?- Yeah.

32100:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,639

- Shit. Where is he?- Well, he's in the old liaison office.

32200:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,551But look, he's in an odd way, Nicola.

32300:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,312It's like he's been to the vetand had his knackers done.

324

00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,233Right. When I come back from cabinetI'm going to hide in my office, okay?

32500:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,276For the rest of the day.

32600:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,075


26/52

Oh, God. I'm going to be gladto be out of this place.

32700:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,277Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you? Oh, right.Are you...

32800:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,874America... What are you thinking,Yale or nayl?

32900:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,758I don't know. Off the record,what do you think?

33000:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,389I really, really wonderwhether it's the right thing for you.

331

00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,075I mean, it's a huge,huge country, isn't it?

33200:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,673I was going to live there,I wasn't going to eat it.

33300:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,070I know. But you know,imagine sitting there on your fanny,

33400:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,276watching King of Queenseating a Twinkie.

33500:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,715Malcolm's told you to warn me off it,hasn't he?

33600:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,518

Well, he's... No... Well, yeah.

33700:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,478He's been here two minutesand already he's...

33800:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,677He's pulling the strings of his


27/52

pathetic little voodoo marionette.

33900:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,398- No, well.- Right. Fuck it.

34000:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,948I'm not going to hide. Bring it on.

34100:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,668Malcolm.

34200:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,956Hey, Nicola. How are you doing?

34300:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,429- You're back.- Yeah, I'm just, you know,

34400:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,953tying up a few loose ends.

34500:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,555With which you're going to plaitsome kind of garrotte and strangle me?

34600:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,950Forgive and forget. That's my motto.

34700:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,476I thought your motto was"Who fucks wins" or

34800:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,630"Honi soit qui Malc y fuck".

34900:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,917I've got a lot of mottos.Don't take that job, Nicola.

35000:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,069God, Malcolm.

35100:14:56,160 --> 00:15:00,358The anti-Tom brigade are just waitingfor the first piece to fall.


28/52

35200:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,350If you resign,it's political fucking Jenga.

35300:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,389You will cause a landslidethat will bury this government.

35400:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,319And you'll keep the party in oppositionuntil Daniel Radcliffe

35500:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,870is advertising walk-in bathsin the fucking People's Friend.

35600:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,110I've got to go to Number 10.

35700:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,634- I'll chum you over, chum.- Oh, great.

35800:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,798The rain in Spainstays mainly on the plain.

35900:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,678Well, actually, that is

a popular misconception

36000:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,230because what happens is the rainfalls just before the mountain ridge,

36100:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,312but they wouldn't want you to know thatbecause it would spoil the rhyme.

362

00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,517Julius. What's up, Boo Boo?

36300:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,508Not much. I'm just feeding some victualsto these poor old ducks.

36400:15:49,600 --> 00:15:55,470


29/52

That red-crested pochard thereis positively hoggish with this Hovis.

36500:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,795I heard certain rumblings

36600:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,758that I don't come out terribly wellin this report of yours.

36700:16:01,840 --> 00:16:05,549Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

36800:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,598Off the record,and this is strictly between you, me

36900:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,194and that ornamental gatepost

over there...

37000:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,599Of course.

37100:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,717The report is strictly confidentialuntil publication.

37200:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,313

(LAUGHING) Do you seewhat I've done there?

37300:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,675The bald man has done a funny.

37400:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,957It's not funny.No, it's not funny at all, Julius.

375

00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,155- I think I'm on sparkling form.- For fuck's sake! You fucking...

37600:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,912- Stephen.- Pontius Pilate,

377


30/52

00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,911with the emphasis on ponce.

37800:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,639GLENN: Care to do another draft,Sir Whitewash?

37900:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,996- What has The Mirror got?- "Give us the bald facts?"

38000:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,199Oh, it's very rude, that is, isn't it?

38100:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,714I was always taught never to makepersonal remarks about people.

38200:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,552

He's impressive, Malcolm,in an evil way.

38300:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,155Like those women at Cruftswho make dogs dance on their hind legs.

38400:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,915And how are we all this morning,bright and breezy or shite and wheezy?

38500:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,035TERRl: Morning, Malcolm.GLENN: Morning.

38600:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,715- Oh, that's a nice, snuggly fleece.- Going to the garden centre, Malcolm?

38700:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,439Oh, this is lovely and warm. 40 tog.

38800:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,555(CHUCKLES)

38900:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,358Tell you what,I'm going to make a cup of tea.


31/52

39000:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,874- Terri?- No, Malcolm. No, honestly.

39100:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,188OLLY: You don't have to.I can make the tea.

39200:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,636- Hey, Nicola! You want a cup of tea?- TERRl: Demeaning.

39300:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,950- Okay.- Well, what do you want?

39400:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,951Lemon Zinger, please.

39500:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,553- A what?- Lemon Zinger.

39600:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,392Whatever the lady wants.Is there a kitty for this stuff?

39700:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,913No. I mean, honestly, Malcolm, no.

39800:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,276Is a tenner enough?Take the money, woman, come on.

39900:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,916- Thank you very much.- GLENN: Hey, Malcolm?

40000:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,195

- Yes?- Bad luck on Steve, eh?

40100:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,034Being long-lensed in the park like thatwith Nicholson, eh, Malc?

40200:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,553


32/52

Nice double-whammy, that, isn't it?

40300:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,517Fleming looks like he's tryingto influence the report

40400:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,876and do some bald-on-bald cottagingat the same time.

40500:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,713I mean, all that dark arts and spinning,that's yester-Malcolm.

40600:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,995That's not... You know,that's not me any more.

40700:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,958

I like the new me.I mean, I feel 20 years younger.

40800:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,349TERRl: And you look it.You look 20 years younger as well.

40900:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,759- Do I?- Mmm.

41000:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,434You're looking great yourself,you know, at the moment.

41100:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,115That colour really suits you.It's very, very attractive.

41200:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,510Christ, is he dying or something?

41300:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,113OLLY: I don't know.TERRl: (WHISPERING) Is he flirting?

41400:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,358- You are a naughty bastard.- Julius.


33/52

41500:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,749Best thing I've read all year.It's the only thing, mind you.

41600:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,956You've done somepretty awful things to me in my time,

41700:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,837but this takes the bloody biscuit.

41800:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,831And you've pissed on that biscuitand I've got to eat it.

41900:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,878Well, here's the news, Malcolm.I will not eat the pissy biscuit.

42000:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,110- Sam, no pissy biscuits!- Oh, please.

42100:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,872What are you going on about, Julius?

42200:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,110You made it look as if Steve Fleming

leant on me

42300:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,838that I would wrongly exonerate him.

42400:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,592And as a result,I had to come down upon him

42500:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,477

like a ton of bricks,

42600:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,439totally unfairly, just to protect myunimpeachable reputation for fairness.

42700:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,829Yeah, well. It's a great report.


34/52

42800:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,510I mean, what I really like about itis it's fucking short.

42900:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,478How long did it take youto rewrite the Steve Fleming stuff?

43000:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,675I pulled an all-nighter.

43100:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,320Black coffee,Vivaldi on the iPod Touch.

43200:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,632It was certainly worth it. I mean,he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

43300:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,878Oh, Steve, mate.Have you seen the papers?

43400:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,318Looks like you're becoming the story.

43500:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,995- Steven, can I begin by saying...

- Oh, no. I understand, Julius.

43600:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,674It's the game we play.You did what you had to do.

43700:19:00,760 --> 00:19:04,036- Yes, but all the same, Steven...- Steve!

438

00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,554(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry.I'll not forget this.

43900:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,918You off to clear your desk, Steve?

44000:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,835


35/52

Don't forget your lucky gonkand your "World's Shittest Dad" mug.

44100:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,754We were on the same side, Malcolm,and you fucked me over.

44200:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,992Not me, Steve-o. Not me.The independent report.

44300:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,548So, you know, I'm sorry,but you're going to have to go.

44400:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,756Oh, I agree with you, I'm going.

44500:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,308

I'm going to resign from the cabinet.

44600:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,710And then I'm going to goand join Dan Miller's team.

44700:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,075I think we need a new leader.

44800:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,678

- Steve!- Oh, no, no, no.

44900:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,513Steve. Don't you evertake up fucking poker,

45000:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,999'cause you're a crap liar.

451

00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,198I am going to join Dan Miller's teamand then we are going to take you down.

45200:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,829We are going to take you downto funky town!

453


36/52

00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,753Funky town centre, here you come.

45400:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,149Choo fucking choo.

45500:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,151Is this what you're threatening me with?Fucking disco lights?

45600:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,152And a fucking choo choo train?You're a joke, Steve.

45700:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,310(LAUGHS) There's nothing you can do.

45800:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,958- Steve.

- Yeah?

45900:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,110There's one thing I can do.

46000:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,953- What are you going to do?- Yeah, wouldn't you like to know?

46100:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,157

Who are you going to meet?Who's your meeting with?

46200:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,629Bye-bye.

46300:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,234I'm not fucking worried, mate!

46400:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,959

Fuck him. Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!

46500:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,759Okay, listen up everybody.That was Gavin over at Number 10.

46600:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,434He reckons that Steve Fleming


37/52

has just joined the cabal.

46700:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,589(ALL EXCLAIMING)

46800:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,432- GLENN: Yeah, mate.- That's a complete disaster.

46900:20:32,520 --> 00:20:34,511There'll be nothing else on televisionfor weeks.

47000:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,591Where's Malcolm?Where's the dark knight in all this?

47100:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,955Malcolm will have grabbed

his false passport by now.

47200:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,189He'll be on a plane to Brazil

47300:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,838and he's about to spendthe rest of his days

47400:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,956

being the world's scariest dentist.

47500:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,554Derek! Get the fuck downto ITN right now

47600:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,358and start briefing the shitout of them, right?

477

00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,874Where's Sarah?I want Sarah to do the cars.

47800:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,632I want her to pimpthe ministerial rides.

479


38/52

00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,075Come on.Fire up the mid-range saloons.

48000:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,479Nicola Murray, just the girl.

48100:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,518- What the hell's going on here?- In 20 minutes' time,

48200:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,750the Prime Minister of Great Britainand Northern Ireland

48300:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,196is going to announcethat he is calling the election.

484

00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,593Shitting Henry.

48500:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,079Thank you very much.

48600:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,675Okay. How... What I don't...Right. How are you announcing...

487

00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,591The Cabinet haven't...You know, we haven't actually had...

48800:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,715So how... What I... Who...

48900:21:15,800 --> 00:21:16,869Whoa, whoa, whoa.

490

00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,110- Who actually is...- Exactly. Exactly. Exactly, Nicola.

49100:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,192See that fucking gibbering?That's what everyone is doing right now.

492


39/52

00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,635The fucking cabal. The fuckingopposition. Fucking us.

49300:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,235- We have grabbed the initiative.- Yeah, for maybe five minutes.

49400:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,788Well, life is just a successionof five minuteses.

49500:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,394Oh, great. Okay,so you're Buddha now, are you?

49600:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,358Yeah, if Buddha had beenon the cover of GQ magazine.

49700:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,637Yeah, could you get me the Yale Centrefor Economic Renewal, please?

49800:21:39,720 --> 00:21:43,395- Why are you ringing them?- Stay. Stay.

49900:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,710No, look. Please don't ring...

Don't fucking ring her!

50000:21:45,800 --> 00:21:46,835Hello? No, just relax.

50100:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,114You've got plenty of time.It's not ringing.

50200:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,918

Loads of... Oh, actually it is ringing.

50300:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,992It's time to tell the Yanks to fuck off.Come on.

50400:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,832You're going to go leafletting


40/52


41/52

00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,189You fucker!

51800:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,590I'm going to put a word in for youabout the Foreign Office job.

51900:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,318They're always looking for cleanersthere. It's fucking huge.

52000:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,515You fucker, Malcolm!

52100:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,792All right, now. Listen up,my children of a lesser God.

52200:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,670

You will find a file markedSnap Election Drill on the J drive.

52300:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,637And if you don't know how to accessthe J drive

52400:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,073hand your pass in at reception,

525

00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,913go and buy some silver body paint andpretend to be a robot on the South Bank.

52600:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,911Fly, my pretties, fly.

52700:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,115(MOBILE PHONE BEEPING)

528

00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,350Stewart! Stewart,the Fucker's downstairs.

52900:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,954No, no, no. He's not downstairs.But if he were, I'd know about it

530


42/52


43/52

with the intellectual powerhouseof the party. That's all.

54400:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,315- Emma.- That's why I'm here.

54500:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,516Right. If you want to stepin the office, yeah?

54600:23:34,600 --> 00:23:35,919I'll dismiss the childrenand we can talk.

54700:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,230No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I?

54800:23:38,320 --> 00:23:42,472

No, because I've come here to tell youthat you're fucking sacked.

54900:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,233Halle-bloody-lujah!

55000:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,073Shall I escort Stewartfrom the building then, Cal?

551

00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,832EMMA: Philip, don't be sucha fucking turncoat.

55200:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,512Yes, Philip. Excellent idea.

55300:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,477And while you're there,could you do me another favour, please?

55400:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,552Could you find a hostel, go there

55500:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,995and take a fucking overdoseof barbiturates?

556


44/52

00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,718(EMMA SNICKERING)

55700:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,990Yeah, right.Okay, well, I'm not fired.

55800:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,878You can't fire me, Cal,so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?

55900:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,793"You can't fire me, Cal,'cause you're..."

56000:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,074Gotcha!

56100:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,879

I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired.Look at your face.

56200:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,439(CAL LAUGHING)

56300:24:13,560 --> 00:24:14,754- Funny.- I'm sensing

564

00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,549a change of management styles herefrom touchy-feely to smashy-testes.

56500:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,677No, okay, joking aside,I'm just an impartial observer.

56600:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,639Quite partial, obviously,so take it away, Captain Mainwaring.

56700:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,199All right, folks, listen up.

56800:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,637We have three key targets whenwe are smart-bombing our beloved PM


45/52

56900:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,269and they are the deficit, unemployment,lack of leadership.

57000:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,873Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...

57100:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,111(SHOUTING) Fuck! That is brilliant!

57200:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,838That is inspired!

57300:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,673What sauce! Get in!

57400:24:45,120 --> 00:24:49,272It's the economy, Stewpot!

57500:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,757Fuck! What I really need to do isshoot you all in the back of the head.

57600:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,229Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

57700:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,709But I can't because it's illegal.

57800:25:01,560 --> 00:25:06,076Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino,two extra shots, please.

57900:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,434I think we've gota long night ahead of us.

58000:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,357

- Come on.- I'm coming.

58100:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,072Better the devil you know, huh?

58200:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,353Five years...


46/52

58300:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,195I can't work the coffee machine.

58400:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,952Fantastic news, isn't it? Yeah.

58500:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,600I'm going to be much freer.Two free weeks...

58600:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,477So, did I miss anything?

58700:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,915Well, Glenn won a poundon a scratch card.

588

00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,150That's my retirement sorted.

58900:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,839So, we get out there and hust, do we?

59000:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,878- Hmm?- Hust. We go to the hustings.

591

00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,630- Don't think it's a verb, is it, Glenn?- Well, all right...

59200:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,154- Do me a huge favour.- Mmm-hmm?

59300:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,232Could you just not talk for a second?

59400:25:48,880 --> 00:25:49,995Okay.

59500:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,429I think we're just playing itin the wrong key.

596


47/52

00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:54,589It's when we go,

59700:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,318# Red and yellow and blue #

59800:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,879What is she talking about?

59900:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,078Oh. She's putting on her annualproduction of Joseph in Hemel Hempstead.

60000:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,674She doesn't license it everbecause she considers Joseph

60100:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,273to be public domain.

60200:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,397But I need to just pitcha little higher. More like...

60300:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,472- # Red and yellow and blue and green #- She's directing it.

60400:26:12,560 --> 00:26:13,993

- Oh.- And starring.

60500:26:14,360 --> 00:26:15,634As Jacob.

60600:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,559(WHISPERING) With a beard?

60700:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,914

Well, one assumes with a beard.

60800:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,673Maybe she'll just let herself gofor a couple of weeks, see what happens.

60900:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,552MALCOLM: I know


48/52


49/52

62300:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,638now it's the colourof the fucking BBC weather map.

62400:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,755It looks like anaemic dogshit.

62500:27:05,840 --> 00:27:06,955JB,

62600:27:08,520 --> 00:27:13,719Cal Richards and their hordesof fucking robots,

62700:27:13,800 --> 00:27:18,316they're coming over the hill towards usand all you have got to do is this.

62800:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,790Bend down, pick upany fucking weapon you can

62900:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,279and twat the fuckery out of them.

63000:27:23,360 --> 00:27:26,716This government is maimed,but it can't be shamed,

63100:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,073it will be fucked.

63200:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,958Let's get out thereand let's fucking kill them.

63300:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,112Let's set fire to tiers! Let's go!

63400:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,589Come on! Let's go, yes!

63500:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,557Okay, let's get going.

636


50/52

00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,633PHIL: What do we do?

63700:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,358What do I call for an outside line?

63800:27:45,440 --> 00:27:46,873EMMA: That was great, wasn't it?PHIL: What do we do?

63900:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,554Is it nine? 'Cause that's whatit is everywhere else.

64000:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,312OLLY: Car's here. Car's here, Nicola!

64100:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,834GLENN: We're off. Bye-bye, Terri, then.

See you soon.

64200:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,435- Just want to say goodbye.- I'm sorry. Very sticky but...

64300:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,670- Thank you. Honestly, it's...- Oh, have I scratched you?

644

00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,435I just want to say, honestly.

64500:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,749I mean it.

64600:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,790NICOLA: Thank you and yeah.Thanks for the stuff.

647

00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,719TERRl: Glenn, I don't knowabout you with...

64800:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,394Don't worry about me, Terri.I've got plenty of options.

649


51/52

00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:13,879I'm just going to take stock.

65000:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,109From Morrisons?

65100:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,634PHIL: Okay, yeah and he canpick some records as well.

65200:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,712Girls Aloud, will that make himtoo seedy? Okay, Girls Aloud.

65300:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,679CAL: Stop saying Abingdon to me.I want a fucking chocolate biscuit.

65400:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,990

PHIL: I've booked him on anotherbreakfast show, BBC Warwick,

65500:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,672Brian and Robo,apparently they're very funny.

65600:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,273Yeah, for the first time in a decade,

657

00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:32,430I can feel the old dogtwitching to life.

65800:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,230"So sorry me.This election give me an erection."

65900:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,554The old dog I was referring to was me.

66000:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,271(HOOVER WHIRRING)

66100:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,472See you, Nicola!

66200:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,434


52/52

Or not.

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Documents

The Thick of It - 3x08