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©SehyenJo
PENGUINBOOKS
TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDownHAEMINSUNIMisoneofthemostinfluentialZenBuddhistteachersandwritersinSouthKorea,wherehisbookshavesoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesandarepopularasguidesnotonlytomediationbutalsotoovercomingthechallengesofeverydaylife.BorninSouthKorea,hecametotheUnitedStatestostudyfilm,onlytofindhimselfpulledintothespirituallife.EducatedatUCBerkeley,Harvard,andPrinceton,hereceivedformalmonastictraininginKoreaandtaughtBuddhismatHampshireCollegeinAmherst,Massachusetts.HehasmorethanamillionfollowersonTwitter(@haeminsunim)andFacebookandlivesinSeoulwhennottravelingtosharehisteachings.
CHI-YOUNGKIMisthetranslatoroftheNewYorkTimesbestsellingKoreannovelPleaseLookAfterMombyKyung-sookShin,forwhichshereceivedtheManAsianLiteraryPrize,andtheKoreancontemporaryclassicTheHenWhoDreamedSheCouldFlybySun-miHwang.ShelivesinLosAngeles,California.YOUNGCHEOLLEEisaKoreanartist.Hispaintingshavebeenshowninmorethan150exhibitionsandareadmiredfortheiridyllicquality.Youcanseemoreofhisartworkatwww.namusai33.com.
PENGUINBOOKS
AnimprintofPenguinRandomHouseLLC
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penguin.com
Copyright©2012byHaeminSunim
Englishtranslationcopyright©2017byChi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim
Penguinsupportscopyright.Copyrightfuelscreativity,encouragesdiversevoices,promotesfreespeech,andcreatesavibrantculture.Thankyouforbuyinganauthorizededitionofthisbookandforcomplyingwithcopyrightlawsbynotreproducing,scanning,ordistributinganypartofitinanyformwithoutpermission.YouaresupportingwritersandallowingPenguinto
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EbookISBN9780698156425LIBRARYOFCONGRESSCATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATIONDATA
Names:Hyemin,author.
Title:Thethingsyoucanseeonlywhenyouslowdown:howtobecalmand
mindfulinafast-pacedworld/HaeminSunim;translatedby
Chi-YoungKimandHaeminSunim;artworkbyYoungcheolLee.
Othertitles:Mæomch’umyæon,pirosopoinæunkæottæul.EnglishDescription:NewYork,NewYork:PenguinBooks,animprintofPenguinRandomHouse,LLC,[2017]
Identifiers:LCCN2016036101|ISBN9780143130772(hardcover)
Subjects:LCSH:Conductoflife.|Spirituallife—Buddhism.
Classification:LCCBJ1594.5.K6H94132017|DDC294.3/44—dc23
IllustrationsbyYoungcheolLee
Coverdesign:RoseanneSerraCoverillustration:Young-CheolLee
Version_1
Contents
AbouttheAuthor
Titlepage
Copyright
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER1
RestWhyAmISoBusy?
WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMomentCHAPTER2
MindfulnessBefriendYourEmotions
WhenYouAreFeelingLowCHAPTER3
PassionTemperYourEagerness
BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIsCHAPTER4
RelationshipsTheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship
TheJourneyofForgivenessCHAPTER5
LoveFirstLove
ILoveYourOrdinarinessCHAPTER6
LifeDoYouKnowKungFu?
ThreeLiberatingInsightsCHAPTER7
TheFutureOneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture
WhenYouLookforYourCalling
CHAPTER8Spirituality
Long-LostCousinsTwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily
EPILOGUEYourOriginalFace
P R O L O G U EASAZENmonkandformerprofessoratasmallliberalartscollegeinMassachusetts,Iamfrequentlyaskedforadviceondealingwithlife’schallenges.Inadditiontosharingmyadviceinpersonandovere-mail,afewyearsagoIbegantoanswerquestionsoversocialnetworkingsites,asIenjoyedthefeelingofmakingconnectionswithpeople.Mymessagesweregenerallysimple,straightforward,andshort.Isometimeswrotedirectlyinresponsetoareal-lifequestion,sometimesasaquicknotetomyselfwhenIdiscoveredinterestingpatternsofthoughtinmindfulnesspracticeorininteractionswithpeople.Ialsodiscussedthevalueofslowingdowninourbusymodernlives,aswellastheartofmaintaininggoodrelationshipsandcultivatingself-compassion.
IdidnotanticipatetheoutpouringofresponsestomytweetsandFacebookposts.Manypeoplestartedsendingmemessagesnotonlytoaskadvice,butalsotoexpressappreciationandgratitude.Istillrememberayoungmotherwhohadlostherhusbandinacaraccidentandsentmeaheartfeltthank-younoteforsavingherfromcommittingsuicide,sayingthatsheneverthoughtaboutlovingherselfbecauseloveforheralwaysmeantgivingittosomeoneelse.Abusyexecutiveinhisfortiestoldmehowwonderfulitwastostarthisdaywithmymessages;tohim,theyprovidedamomentofcalmreflectionandrestfromhishecticschedule.Ayoungrecentgraduate,discouragedafternotfindingajob,readmysupportivewordsandgavethesearchanothertry,finallylandingajob.WhenIreadhisnews,Iwasoverjoyedforacoupleofdays,asifIhadgottenmyfirstjob.
Itmademeprofoundlyhappythatmysimplemessagescouldinspirepeopleandhelpthemintheirtimesofdifficulty.Asmymessagescametobesharedbymoreandmorepeople,andmynumberofTwitterandFacebookfollowersincreased,peoplestartedcallingmea“healingmentor,”whichendedupbecomingmynicknameinKorea.Iwasthencontactedbypublishingcompaniesofferingtoturnmywritingsintoabook.In2012,TheThingsYouCanSeeOnlyWhenYouSlowDowncameoutinSouthKorea;toeveryone’samazement,itstayednumberoneonthebest-sellerlistforforty-oneweeks,andsoldmorethanthreemillioncopiesinthreeyears.Translationsfollowed—intoChinese,Japanese,Thai,French,andnowEnglish.Iamhumbledbytheattentionthebookhasreceivedandhopeitcan
beofhelptoreadersofEnglish,justasithasbeentoreadersinAsiaandFrance.
Thebookhaseightchapters,addressingvariousaspectsoflife—fromloveandfriendshipstoworkandaspirations—andhowmindfulnesscanhelpusineach.Forinstance,Iaddresshowtodealmindfullywithnegativeemotionslikeangerandjealousyaswellaslife’sdisappointments,diggingdeepintomypasttosharemyexperienceoffailureasanewcollegeprofessor.Ifyouareoverlyself-conscious,the“threeliberatinginsights”fromchapter6canbequitehelpful.Ifyouareanxiousaboutyourfutureorunsureaboutyourtruecalling,Iofferadviceonhowtoincreaseself-awarenessandhowtodiscoverit.
Eachchapteropenswithanessay,whichisfollowedbyaseriesofshortmessages—wordsofadviceandwisdomaddresseddirectlytoyou,toconsideronebyone,andtoreconsiderandremember,sothattheymayaccompanyyouinmomentsofanxietyordespair,andremindyouthatyouarenotalone.Eachchapterthencontinueswithashorteressay,followedbyanotherseriesofshortpromptsformeditation.ThroughoutthebookarecolorillustrationsbyYoungcheolLee;theseareintendedascalminginterludes,tobelingeredovermuchlikethemeditationpromptsaremeanttobe.
Somepeoplereadthewholebookquicklyastheywouldanovel.However,Iwouldrecommendthatyoutakeyourtimeandreflectonwhatyouhavejustreadbeforemovingontoanewchapter.Youwillenjoyitmoreandfinddeepermeaningsasyougothrougheachchapterslowly.Youshouldfeelfreetomakenotesinthemarginsorhighlightpartsthathaveresonatedwithyou.
Ihopethatspendingtimewiththisbookbecomesanoccasiontoreflectonandmeditateinyourbusylife.Ihopeitinspiresyoutoconnectwiththe
kinderandwisersideofyourself.Mayyoubehappy,healthy,peaceful,andalwaysprotectedfromharm.
C H A P T E R O N E
Rest
WhyAmISoBusy?
Wheneverythingaroundmeismovingsofast,Istopandask,“Isittheworldthat’sbusy,orisitmymind?”
WEUSUALLYTHINKof“mind”and“world”existingindependentlyofeachother.Ifsomeoneaskswhereourmindis,mostofuswouldpointtoeitherourheadorourheart,butnottoatreeorthesky.Weperceiveaclearboundarybetweenwhatgoesoninsideourmindsandwhathappensintheoutsideworld.Comparedtothevastworldoutside,themindnestledinsidethebodycanfeelsmall,vulnerable,andsometimespowerless.AccordingtotheBuddha’steaching,however,theboundarybetweenthemindandtheworldisactuallythin,porous,andultimatelyillusory.Itisnotthattheworldisobjectivelyjoyfulorsadandproducesacorrespondingfeelinginus.Rather,feelingsoriginatewiththemindprojectingitssubjectiveexperienceontotheworld.Theworldisn’tinherentlyjoyfulorsad;itjustis.
PerhapswecanbetterunderstandthisthroughaconversationIhadwithadearfriendofmine,aresponsibleandmeticulousBuddhistnun.Sherecentlyoversawtheconstructionofameditationhallinhertemple.Afterrelatingtheordealofobtainingvariouspermitsandfindingtherightcontractor,amongotherthings,shedescribedtheconstructionprocessinthefollowingway:
“Whenitcametimetoplacetilesontheroof,IsawtileseverywhereIwent.Inoticedthematerialtheyweremadeof,theirthickness,theirdesign.Andthen,whenitwastimetoinstallthefloor,allIcouldseewerefloors.Inaturallyzeroedinonthecolor,origin,pattern,anddurabilityofahardwoodfloor.Andthenitsuddenlydawnedonme:Whenwelookattheoutsideworld,wearelookingatonlyasmallpartthatinterestsus.Theworldweseeisnottheentireuniversebutalimitedonethatthemindcaresabout.However,toourminds,thatsmallworldistheentireuniverse.Ourrealityisnottheinfinitelystretchingcosmosbutthesmallpartwechoosetofocuson.Realityexistsbecauseourmindsexist.Withoutthemind,therewouldbenouniverse.”
ThemoreIreflectedonthis,themoreherinsightmadesensetome.Theworldcomestoexistbecauseweareawareofit.Wecannotliveinarealityofwhichweareunaware.Theworlddependsonourmindsinordertoexist,justasourmindsdependontheworldasthesubjectofourawareness.Put
differently,ourmind’sawarenesscanbesaidtobringtheworldintobeing.Whatourmindfocusesonbecomesourworld.Seenthisway,theminddoesnotseemsoinsignificantinrelationtotheworldoutthere,doesit?
Weneithercannorwanttoknoweverysinglethingthathappensintheworld.Ifwedid,wewouldgocrazyfromtheoverloadofinformation.Ifwelookattheworldthroughthelensofourmind,thewaymyfrienddid,wewillreadilynoticewhatwearelookingfor,becauseourmindwillfocusonit.Giventhattheworldweseethroughourmind’seyeislimited,ifwecantrainourmindandchoosewiselywheretofocus,thenwewillbeabletoexperiencetheworldcorrespondingtothestateofourmind.
Asamonkandacollegeprofessor,Iampulledinmanydifferentdirections.DuringtheweekIteachandconductresearch,andontheweekendIdriveacoupleofhourstoassumedutiesatmyteacher’stemple.Duringschoolbreaks,myschedulebecomesevenbusier.Ineedtovisitseniormonks,serveasaninterpreterformonkswhodon’tspeakEnglish,gotodifferenttemplestogiveDharmatalks,andcarveouttimeformyownmeditationpractice.Ontopofthat,Icontinuetoresearchandwriteacademicpapers.
Tobehonest,IsometimeswonderwhetheraZenmonkshouldkeeptosuchafullschedule.ButthenIrealizeitisn’ttheoutsideworldthatisawhirlwind;itisonlymymind.Theworldhasnevercomplainedabouthowbusyitis.AsIlookdeeperintomyselftoseewhyIamlivingsuchabusylife,Irealizethat,toacertainextent,Iactuallyenjoybeingbusy.IfItrulywantedtorest,Icoulddeclineinvitationstoteach.ButIhavewelcomedsuchrequestsbecauseIenjoymeetingpeoplewhowantmyadviceandhelpingthemwithwhatlittlewisdomIhave.Seeingotherpeoplehappyisadeepsourceofjoyinmylife.
ThereisafamousBuddhistsayingthateveryoneappearsasbuddhasintheeyesoftheBuddhaandeveryoneappearsaspigsintheeyesofapig.Itsuggeststhattheworldisexperiencedaccordingtothestateofone’smind.Whenyourmindisjoyfulandcompassionate,theworldis,too.Whenyourmindisfilledwithnegativethoughts,theworldappearsnegative,too.Whenyoufeeloverwhelmedandbusy,rememberthatyouarenotpowerless.Whenyourmindrests,theworldalsorests.
Weknowtheworldonlythroughthewindowofourmind.
Whenourmindisnoisy,theworldisaswell.
Andwhenourmindispeaceful,theworldis,too.
Knowingourmindsis
justasimportantastryingtochangetheworld.
Isqueezemyselfintothesubwaycar.
Peoplearecrowdedallaroundme.
Icaneithergetannoyed
orthinkit’sfunthatIdon’thavetograbahandrail.
Peoplereactdifferentlytothesamesituation.
Ifwelookatitmoreclosely,
weseeit’snotthesituationthatistroublingus,
butourperspectiveonit.
Tsunamisarefrighteningnotjustbecauseofthewater,
butalsobecauseoftheobjectshurledatusbythewater.
Tornadoesareterrifyingnotjustbecauseofthewind,
butalsobecauseoftheobjectsuprootedandthrownbythewind.
Wefeelunhappynotjustbecausesomethingbadhashappened,
butalsobecauseoftheswirlingthoughtsaboutwhathappened.
Whenyouhaveanunpleasantfeeling,
don’tgrabholdofitandturnitoverandover.
Instead,leaveitalonesoitcanflow.
Thewaveofemotionwillnaturallyrecedeonitsown
aslongasyoudon’tfeeditbydwellingonit.
Togetfoodunstuckfromafryingpan,
justpourwaterinthepanandwait.
Afterawhilethefoodloosensonitsown.
Don’tstruggletohealyourwounds.
Justpourtimeintoyourheartandwait.
Whenyourwoundsareready,
theywillhealontheirown.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanrelaxourendlessstrivingandwelcomeserenity.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanenjoythetimewehavewiththepersonnexttous.
Ifweknowhowtobecontent,
wecanmakepeacewithourpastandletgoofourbaggage.
Ifyou’vebeenunabletochangeabadsituation,evenaftermanyattempts,
youshouldchangehowyoulookatthesituation.
Nothingisintrinsicallygoodorbad.
Goodorbadisalwaysrelative.
Compareyoursituationwithsomeone’sthatisworse.
Nowyoursdoesnotseemsobadafterall.
Whenyouarestressedout,beawareofyourstress.
Whenyouareirritated,beawareofyourirritation.
Whenyouareangry,beawareofyouranger.
Assoonasyoubecomeawareofthesefeelings
youarenolongerlostinthem.
Yourawarenessallowsyoutowitnessthemfromtheoutside.
Awarenessisinherentlypure,liketheopensky.
Stress,irritation,andangercantemporarilycloudthesky,
buttheycanneverpolluteit.
Negativeemotionscomeandgolikeclouds,
butthewide-openskyremains.
Liketoxinsslowlyfillingourbodies,
ifanger,despair,orsorrowaccumulateinourhearts,
wehavetodosomethingaboutit.
Exercise,talktoyourmentor,meditateonloving-kindness.
Aswebegintomaketheeffort,thetoxinsstarttolosetheirgrip.
Domemoriescauseyoupain?
Practicebeinginthepresentmoment.
Turnyourattentiontothehereandnow.
Noticethatyourthoughtssubsidewhenyoufocusonthepresent.
Asyourthoughtsquiet,so,too,thememories.
Becausememoriesare,inessence,thoughts.
Whenyouleaveworkfortheday,
ifyoufindyourselfasking,
“DoIhavetolivemywholelifelikethis?”
Thentrythefollowing:
Wakeupalittleearlierthenextmorning,
andsitinsilence,asifinmeditation.
Breatheindeeplyandslowly,
andaskyourselfhowyourworkishelpingothers,
regardlessofhowinsignificantlyorindirectly.
Asyoufocusmoreonothers,
youcanreconnectwiththemeaningandpurposeofyourwork.
Averymoderndilemma:
Therearecountlesstelevisionchannels
butnothinginterestingtowatch.
Toomanychoicesmakepeopleunhappy.
Areyoufeelingconfusedorconflicted?
Allowyourselfagoodnight’ssleep.
Whenyouwakeupthenextday,theproblemwillseemlighter.
Itworks,truly.
Ifyouwouldliketosleepmorepeacefully,
asyoulayyourheadonyourpillow,
thinkofthepeoplewhomyouaregratefulto,
orthetimesyouhelpedothersandfeltgoodaboutyourself.
Itwillwarmyourheart,giftingyouwithmorepeacefulsleep.
Withloveinourhearts,
wefindeventhemostmundanethingssacredandbeautiful.
Withloveinourhearts,
webecomekinderandgentler,eventocompletestrangers.
Withoutloveinourhearts,
wefindtheworldmeaninglessandrandom.
Withoutloveinourhearts,
webecomestrangerseventoourfamilyandfriends.
Whenweareopentoothers,
wedaretobevulnerableandhonest.
Whenwehavegoodwilltowardothers,
weintendtobehappyandconnected.
Closeyoureyes,takeadeepbreath,andsay,
“Maymyfriendsandacquaintancesbelovedandprotected!”
Withthosewords,you,too,willfeellovedandprotected.
Whenwearecomfortablewithourselves
andhaveacceptedourselveswholly,
otherswillfindusapproachable
andwilllikeusforwhoweare.
Iwishyoucouldseemytruenature.
Beyondmybodyandlabels,
thereisariveroftendernessandvulnerability.
Beyondstereotypesandassumptions,
thereisavalleyofopennessandauthenticity.
Beyondmemoryandego,
thereisanoceanofawarenessandcompassion.
Thewisedonotfighttheworld.
Inthemostrelaxedandplayfulmanner,
theysimplyembodythetruththattheyareonewithit.
WhenLifeDisappoints,RestaMoment
Whentrustisshattered,whenhopesaredashed,whenalovedoneleavesyou,beforedoinganything,justpauseyourlifeandrestamoment.
Ifyoucan,surroundyourselfwithclosefriendsandsharefoodanddrinkwhileslowlylettingoutthebottled-upstoriesofbetrayal,disappointment,andhurt.
Headtoamovietheater,aloneorwithyourbestfriend.Pickthesilliestmovie,evenifyounormallydon’twatchcomedies,andlaughoutlouduntilithurts,andshedafewtears,asifnobodyislooking,likeacarefreeteenager.
Findasongthatspeakstoyourheart.Playitoverandover,andsingalongtoitoverandover,asthoughyouaredoingitforallthewoundedsouls.
Ifnoneofthathelps,useyourvacationdaystotakeatrip.Gosomewhereyou’vealwayssaidyouwantedtogo—theGrandCanyon,theCaminodeSantiago,MachuPicchu.
Allbyyourself.Justyouandtheroad.
Afterspendingtimealone,gotoyourownsacredplace.Closeyoureyesandclearyourmind.
Evenifyouarenotthatspiritual,invoketheheartofcompassionandfeeltheembraceofacceptance.
Downcastandheartbroken,IknowyouwereoncemeandIwasonceyou.
Sotoday,Iprayforyou.
Loveyourselfdespiteyourimperfections.
Doyounotfeelcompassionforyourselfasyoustrugglethroughlife?
Youaresoeagertohelpyourfriends,butyoutreatyourselfsopoorly.
Strokeyourheartonceinawhileandtellyourself,“Iloveyou.”
Onapieceofpaper,writedowneverythingthatstressesyouout.
Listeverythingyououghttodo,includingminorthings—
wateringplants,replyingtoe-mails.
Thestressesarenowcontainedonapieceofpaper,awayfromyourmind.
So,relaxtonight.
Tellyourselfyouwillgothroughthelisttomorrow,
itembyitem,startingwiththeeasiest.
Whenyouopenyoureyesthenextmorning,
yourmindandbodywillbeready.
Icanguaranteethat.
Don’tgiveupinthefaceofcriticism.
Learntobrushasidewhatpeoplewhodon’tknowyouhavetosay.
Havingcriticsmeanswhatyou’redoingisgettingpeople’sattention.
Havecourage,andcontinuedownthepathyou’reon.
Lifeteachesusthroughourmistakes.
Whenyoumakeamistake,
simplyaskyourselfwhatyouweremeanttolearnfromit.
Whenweacceptsuchlessonswithhumilityandgratitude,
wegrowthatmuchmore.
Tobehappy,it’snotnecessarytoexpendgreateffortsowegetsomewhereelse.
Instead,relaxintothepresentmomentwhilefindinghumorinyourlife.
Withhumor,lifebecomeslightandleisurely.
Andlaughteralwaysbringspeopletoexperienceopennessandjoy.
Humoropensclosedhearts.
Humorcanfreeusfromthegripofourthoughts.
Whenwesmile,wefeelwecanacceptthingswepreviouslycouldnot.
Wefeelwecanforgivethosewhohavewrongedus.
Humorisanessentialpartoflife.
Whenwearejoyful,ourheartopensuptonewthings.
Whenweareinabadmood,wecan’tbeopentonewthings,
nomatterhowwonderfultheyare.
Withoutjoyinourheart,
ourprogressinlifeisslowanduninteresting.
Thosewhoworkinaplayful,relaxedmanner
tendtoworkefficientlyandcreatively.
Thosewhoworknonstop,drivenonlybystress,
workwithoutjoy.
Tokeepdoingyourworkforalongtime,
donottreatitasjustwork.
Viewitasasourceofenjoymentandgrowth.
Theroadtohappinessliesnotjustinfindingagoodjob,
butalsoinlearningtoenjoywhatyouareaskedtodo.
Doyoufeelunsettledordepressed?
Thenlookatachild’ssleepingfaceforoneminute.
Youwillsoonfeelripplesofpeace.
Afamilytakesawalkamidfallenautumnleaves.
Dadliftsuphisfive-year-oldson,
andtheboyshowershimwithkisses.
Momwatcheswithasmileonherface.
Ifwetaketimetolookaround,
weseeourselvessurroundedbylovelymoments.
Wouldyouliketomakeyourchildhappy?
Thengetoffworkalittleearlytoday.
Waitforyourchildinfrontofschool.
Horsearoundtogetherontheplayground.
Letyourchildchoosewheretogofordinner.
Andshoweryourchildwithyourlovingattention.
Onyourwayhome,pickupicecreamforthefamily.
Yourchildwillrememberthisdayforever.
Beforeyourchildrenareallgrown,
travelasfrequentlyasyoucanasafamily.
Althoughweseeourfamilyeveryday,
wedon’treallygettobewithoneanother.
Achangeinenvironmentcandowonders
andcanbringfamiliescloser.
Agoodfamilytripcanpreventdivorce.
Whatmakesmusicbeautifulis
thedistancebetweenonenoteandanother.
Whatmakesspeecheloquentis
theappropriatepausebetweenwords.
Fromtimetotimeweshouldtakeabreath
andnoticethesilencebetweensounds.
Whenyouhavetomakeanimportantdecision,
don’tlosesleepoverit.
Justtakethespecialmedicinecalled“time”andwait.
Yoursubconsciouswillsearchfortheanswer.
Twodayslater,orthree,
theanswerwilldawnonyou
asyouarewakingup,takingashower,ortalkingtoafriend.
Putfaithinyoursubconsciousmindandgiveyourselftime.
Ifsomethinggoeswrong,
weoftenturninwardandblameourselves.
Butisitreallyourfault?
Forexample,ifIwereJamesTaylor
andsomeonewerelookingforPavarotti,
thennaturallyIwouldn’tbechosen.
ButthisdoesnotmeanIlackmusicaltalent.
ItmeansonlythatIamnottherightmatch.
Sobemoreconfident,andpleasestopbeatingyourselfup.
Evenifyouarehavingjustabowlofcerealfordinner,
eatitwiththelovingattitudeofnourishingyourself.
Isn’tittiringtoconstantlyhavetocareforyourbody?
Patyourselfonthebackforthehardworkyouaredoing.
Thengotobedonehourearlier
asagifttoyourbody.
Doyouhavesomethingonyourmind?
Thentakeawalkinthesun.
Underthewarmthofthesun,
yourbrainwillreleaseserotonin,whichcalmsthemind.
Ifyouletyourmindlingeronthequestion
withouttryingtoohardtofindthesolution,
ananswerwillemergeonitsown.
Ifyoukeephopingtobecomfortedbyothers,
youcanfeelweigheddownbythatneed.
Ifyouhaveaconstantneedtobeheard,
nobodycanmeetthatneedtoyourcompletesatisfaction.
Ratherthanalwaysseekingcomfortfromothers,
offeryourcomfortandlistentoothers.
Intheprocessofhelping,
youwillbehealed.
Insteadofalotteryticket,
buysomeflowersforyourselfandyourfamily.
Ifyoubuyflowersandplacetheminthelivingroom,
youwillfeellikeawinnereverytime
andfindabundantbeauty
wheneveryoupassbythelivingroom.
Hassomethingdisappointedyou?
Hassomethingmadeyousad?
It’stheschooloflifetryingtoteachyouanimportantlesson.
Whenyoufeelready,takethetimetounderstandthelesson.
Theworldwillkeepturningevenwithoutyou.
Letgooftheideathatyourwayistheonlyway,
thatyouaretheonlyonewhocanmakeithappen.
Themoregratefulwefeel,thehappierwebecome.
Thisisbecausegratitudehelpsusrealizeweareallconnected.
Nobodyfeelslikeanislandwhenfeelinggrateful.
Gratitudeawakensustothetruthofourinterdependentnature.
Ifyougenuinelycareforothersandlookforwaystohelpotherssucceed,
youwon’tneedtolookforwaystoboostyourmood.
Aselflessandkindactwillliftyourspiritandself-worth.
Ifyouarehavingabadday,seeifyoucanfindawaytohelpsomeoneelse.
Evenasmallgestureofhelpwillmakeyoufeelbetter.
C H A P T E R T W O
Mindfulness
BefriendYourEmotions
EVERSINCEIbecameactiveonTwitterandFacebook,peoplehavebeensendingmemessagesaskingformyadvice.Themostfrequentlyaskedquestionishowtodealwithstrongnegativeemotions,suchasanger,hatred,andjealousy.
Thegoodnewsisthatthoseraisingthisquestionarealreadyhalfwaythere.Thefactthattheyareaskingthequestionindicatesthattheyaremindfulenoughtonoticethenegativestateoftheirownmind,whichisnotaneasythingtodo.Mostpeoplearecompletelyabsorbedintheiremotionsandhavelimitedself-awareness.Thepeoplewhohaveaskedmethisquestionnoticedwhatwashappeningintheirmindsastheywerebeingsweptintoawhirlwindofnegativeemotions,sloweddown,andthensentmeamessage.Whenpeoplesenseanegativeemotioncomingon,theirfirstimpulseistocontrolitsothattheydonotfeeloverwhelmedorthreatenedbyit.Iftheycan,theywouldliketogetridofitimmediatelyorfleefromit;theyrarelythinkitmeritsdeeperunderstanding.Thisisprobablywhypeopleusesuchexpressionsas“managinganger”or“overcominghatred”insteadof“befriendingyouremotion.”
Itisdifficulttoquicklycontrolastrongnegativeemotion;themorewetrytocontrolit,themoreitbecomesagitatedandresurfaces.Evenifwecontrolit,wemayendupmerelysuppressingit,onlyforittoreemergelater.Imaginethatastrongnegativeemotionislikemudswirlinginsideafishtank.Togetthemudtosinktothebottomofthetanksoyoucanhaveaclearviewofthefish,thelastthingyouwanttodoissubmergeyourhandsinthemuddywaterandtrytopushthemudtothebottom.Themoreyoutrytopushitdown,themoreyouchurnitup.Similarly,inanattempttocontrolanegativeemotion,youmaytrytopushitdown.Unfortunately,theharderyoutry,themoreitresurfaces.
Sowhatshouldwedo?Howcanwebetterunderstandournegativeemotionsandtrytoresolvetheminsteadofsuppressingthem?Theanswerisfairlysimple.Allwehavetodoisseparatetherawenergyofnegativeemotionsfromlinguisticlabelslike“anger”or“hatred”andthenwitnessitcalmlyuntiltheenergymorphsintosomethingelse.Whatisimportanthereisnottogetattachedtowordslike“anger,”“hatred,”and“jealousy,”and
insteadtowitnesstherawenergybehindthelabels.Althoughitmaybesubtle,theenergyconstantlychangeswhilethelabelremainsstatic.Ifyoupeelthelabeloffandgetintouchwiththerawenergy,yousoonrealizethatthenegativeemotionisonlytemporary,onethatchangeswithoutyourefforts.Therefore,muchlikeamirrorreflectswhatisbeforeitwithoutjudgmentoridentificationwiththeimage,simplyreflectthenegativeemotion—let’ssayit’sanger—andwatchdispassionately.Youwillseetheangerslowlychangingshape,eitherrevealingadeeperlayerofemotionordisappearingonitsown.Ifanotherlayerofemotionisrevealingitself,attendtoitthewayyoudidwithyouranger.
Whenyoutrytounderstandsomething,it’softenmosteffectivetosetasideyourpreconceptionsandobserveitquietlysothattheobjectofyourexaminationrevealswhatneedstobeunderstood.Insteadofdivingintothemuddywaterofyouremotionasawaytoconquerit,youshouldobserveitfromtheoutsideandletitsettledownandtransformonitsown.AsthespiritualteacherJidduKrishnamurtisaid,pureattentionwithoutjudgmentisnotonlythehighestformofhumanintelligence,butalsotheexpressionoflove.Observethechangingenergybothattentivelyandlovinglyasitunfoldsinthespaceofyourmind.
Icanimaginesomeonewondering,“Whatissogreataboutjustobserving?Isn’titavoidingreality?”Theanswerisquitetheopposite:Youarenotavoidingit;youareactuallystaringstraightintoit.Ratherthangettingcaughtintheemotionwithoutanyself-awareness,youareinquiringandthenfeelingwhatisthere.Asyougetbetteratit,youwillrealizethatthenegativeemotionisnotafixedreality.Itnaturallyemergesandretreatswithinthespaceofyourawareness,regardlessofyourwill.Onceyouawakentothistruth,youwillnotbeswayedbynegativeemotionsandcanregardthemasapassingcloud
insteadofidentifyingwiththemasadefiningpartofyourself.Donotfightyournegativeemotions.Observeandbefriendthem.
Ifyouwantrevengebecauseyourfeelingsarehurt,
allyoucanseeisyourownsuffering.
Butifyoucalmyourselfandlookmoredeeply,
youwillseethatthepersonwhohurtyouissuffering,too.
Inthechambersofourheart,
wehavetwotenantslivingsidebyside:
AdolfHitlerandMotherTeresa.
Whenweareovercomebyinsecurityandfear,
wefeeltheinnerworkingsofHitler.
Whenweareintouchwithloveandconnection,
wehearthegentlevoiceofMotherTeresa.
WeloseinterestinmoviesorTVseries
inwhichgoodcharactersarealwaysgoodandbadonesarealwaysbad.
Thisdoesnotmatchuptoreality.
Nopersonisalwaysgoodorbad.
“Nopersoncanbefound
Whohasbeen,is,orwillbe
Onlycriticized
Oronlypraised.”
—THEDHAMMAPADA*
Amoralpuristwhoisquicktojudgeothers
oftenfailstoseetheflawswithinhimself.
Whensomeonecriticizesanother,
youmightthinkhedeservesit.
Butifyoulookmoreclosely,
you’llseethatthecriticiscomplainingbecausehedidnotgethisway.
Sodonotbesoeasilyswayed.
Whenyouattacksomeone,
itisoftenbecauseyouareafraid.
Afriendstartstalkingillofsomeoneyoudon’tlike,
andyouagreewholeheartedly.
Butthenyoucan’thelpbutwonder,
“WhenI’mnotaround,doesshespeakillofmetoo?”
Gossipcanbecatharticinthemoment,
butittravelsfastandcanbiteyouback.
Thereasonyouregardmeaspureandcompassionate
isthatyouarepureandcompassionateyourself.
Whenpeoplewhodon’tknowyouwelladmireyou,
theyareseeingtheirprojectedillusion,notyourrealself.
Incontrast,whenpeoplewhoknowyouwellrespectyou,
itisprobablybecauseyoudeserveit.
Someaskifswallowingyourprideisconcedingdefeat.
Idon’tthinkso.Humilityisasignofinnerstrengthandwisdom.
Whenyouswallowyourpride,realcommunicationbecomespossible.
Wecanfinallyheareachotherandeventuallysolveourproblems.
Whensomeonetellsyou,“No,”
don’treactemotionallyandlosecontrol.
“No”mayopenupasurprisingnewworldtoyou.
“No”mayunexpectedlyleadyoutogoodpeople.
Ifyoubegintopushbackagainsttheunchangeable“No,”
youwillsufferintheprocessandmissotheropportunities.
Yourbossasksyoutorunanerrandthathaslittletodowithyourjob.
Ratherthangettingannoyed,justdoitandletitgo.
Donotturnsomethingtrivialintoamajorsourceofagony
bywastingtimeandenergythinkingaboutitendlessly.
IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofmostpeople’slivesinafewwords,
itwouldbeendlessresistancetowhatis.
Asweresist,weareinconstantmotiontryingtoadjust,
andyetwestillremainunhappyaboutwhatis.
IfIhadtosummarizetheentiretyofanenlightenedperson’slifeinafewwords,
itwouldbecompleteacceptanceofwhatis.
Asweacceptwhatis,ourmindsarerelaxedandcomposed
whiletheworldchangesrapidlyaroundus.
Donottrytocontrolthosearoundyou.
Whenyoucannotcontrolevenyourownmind,
whatmakesyouthinkyoucancontrolothers?
ThingsIlikedwhenIwasyoungbutnowcouldn’tcarelessabout:
Airplanerides,all-you-can-eatbuffets,horrormovies,stayingupallnight.
ThingsIenjoynowthatIamolder:
Mozart,brownrice,meditation,spendingtimealone,regularexercise.
Wechangewithoutrealizingit.Weareinthemidstofchangeevennow.
Donotlamentthattheworldhaschanged.
Donotresentthatpeoplehavechanged.
Evaluatingthepresentthroughthememoriesofthepastcancausesadness.
Whetheryoulikeitornot,changeisinevitable.
Embraceandwelcomeit.
Whetheritisanobject,athought,orafeeling,
ifithasemergedoutofemptiness,
itwillsoonchangeitsformand
eventuallyretreatbacktoemptiness.
SeekersinsearchoftheeternalTruth
mustlookbeyonditsimpermanentnatureand
becomeawareof“that”whichknowsimpermanence.
Themonkmostveneratedbyothermonksisnottheonewho
appearsmostholy,
preachesthebest,
runsthelargesttemple,
mostaccuratelypredictsthefuture,
hastheabilitytocureillness.
Heistheonewhoteachesthroughhisownactions.
Hepossessesnoauraofself-importance,
andsacrificeshimselffirstforthecommunity.
Spiritualitymustbepracticed
notjustinsolitudebutalsoamongpeople.
Openuptopeoplearoundyouandfeelconnected.
Thisisthetruechallengeofspiritualpractice.
Ifyouaresincereaboutreachingenlightenment,
youcanlearnevenfromachild,
orfromthepersonwhoinsultsyouonthestreet.
Theentireworldbecomesyourteacher.
Thepersonleadingyoutowardspiritualawakening
isnottheonewhopraisesyouorisnicetoyou.
Yourspiritualitydeepensbecauseofthose
whoinsultyouandgiveyouahardtime.
Theyareyourspiritualteachersindisguise.
Howcanyoutellifsomeoneistrulyenlightened?
Showerhimwithbothpraiseandcriticism.
Ifheshowssignsofbeingsusceptibletoeither,
thenitmeanshehasforgottenhisenlightenednature.
Ouremotionsarecapricious,liketheweatherinLondon.
Oneminute,whensomeonecriticizesus,weareoffendedandfurious.
Thenextminute,whensomeonepraisesus,wefeelproudandpompous.
Unlesswerecognizethestillpointbeneaththesurfaceofourchangingemotions,
wewillfeelwearehostagetotheirwhims.
Someoneadvancedinspiritualpracticehasthefollowingattitude.
Inalargecommunity,shelivesasthoughsheisalone.
Shemindsherownbusinesswithoutmeddlinginothers’.
Whenalone,sheactsasthoughsheisinalargecommunity.
Shefollowsherregimenwithoutslidingintolaziness.
Agreatspiritualteachercanwaitforherstudentstomature.
Shefeelsnoneedtoboastoforproveherenlightenment.
Sheneitherimposesherteachingsnorasksstudentstofollowherexclusively.
Sheletsherstudentsbesotheycangrowontheirown.
Whenadeep,honestconversation
makesusfeelconnectedtosomeone,
webecomeveryhappy.
Thesamedeepconnectionwithourselvesispossible
bywhollyacceptingwhoweareand
realizingtheenlightenednatureofourselves.
This,too,isasourceofincomparablehappinessandfreedom.
WhenYouAreFeelingLow
“HaeminSunim,I’mfeelinglow.WhatshouldIdo?”
Quietlyobservethefeelingwithouttryingtochangeit.Itwillchangeonitsown.
Asifgazingatatreeinthebackyard,asifsittingbyariverandwatchingthewaterflowby,quietlyobserveyourfeelingsasiftheyareexternaltoyou.Ifyouobserveyourfeelingsinthiswayforjustthreeminutes,youwillnoticetheirenergyandtextureslowlychanging.
Feelingsareoftenbornfromamatrixofconditionsbeyondyourcontrol.Justlikeyoucan’tcontroltheweather,oryourboss’smood,youcan’tcontrolthefeelingsinyourbody.Theyarejustpassingthrough,likecloudsinthesky.They,too,dissipateontheirown.
Butifyoutakethemtooseriouslyandstartinternalizingthemaspartofyouridentity,thenyouwillresuscitatethemeverytimeyouthinkaboutthepast.Rememberthatyouareneitheryourfeelingsnorthestoryyourmindtellsaboutyoutomakesenseofthem.Youarethevastsilencethatknowsoftheiremergenceandtheirdisappearance.
Whenthemindlooksoutward,
itisswayedbytheheavywindsoftheworld.
Butwhenthemindfacesinward,
wecanfindourcenterandrestinstillness.
Peopleask:“HowcanIclearmyheadwhenImeditate?
ThemoreItry,themoremythoughtsseemtoarise.”
Thisiscompletelynatural—becausetryingtoclearyourheadisalsoathought.
Donottrytogetridofyourthoughts—itwon’twork.
Instead,witnesstheemergenceofathought.
Witnessthedisappearanceofathought.
Themomentyoubecomeawareofit,
themindquietsandbecomesclear.
Weliketotalkaboutthingsexternaltoourselves
becauseourmindsareaccustomedtoflowingoutintotheworld.
Spiritualpractitioners,however,reversetheflowandlookinward.
Theystoptalkingaboutexternalmatters
andtrainthemselvestobecomeintimatewiththemind.
Ofallthewordsthatpouroutofourmouthseveryday,
howmanyarereallyours,
andhowmanyareborrowedfromothers?
Howoftendowesaysomethingoriginal?
Istheresuchathingasourownwordsanyway?
Withineachofus,thereisaninnerwitness
quietlyobservingwhatgoesoninsideandoutsideofus.
Bornfromaplaceofsilenceandwisdom,
evenwhentheworldchurnsupastormofemotions,
thewitnesssitscalmlyintheeyeofthestorm,
unharmed,luminous,andall-knowing.
Ifyouwishtoclearawaythecloudsofyourthoughts,
simplykeepyourmindinthepresent.
Thecloudsofthoughtlingeronlyinthepastorthefuture.
Bringyourmindtothepresent,andyourthoughtswillrest.
Ratherthanrepeating,
“Itisawful!Itisawful!”
starestraightintotheawfulfeeling.
Quietly.
Examinethefeeling.
Canyouseeitsimpermanentnature?
Letthefeelingleavewhenitsaysitwantstogo.
Everythinginthisuniverseisevanescent.
Becauseitisevanescent,itisalsoprecious.
Spendthispreciousmomentwiselyandbeautifully.
Themindcannothavetwothoughtsatonce.
Seeifyoucanthinktwothoughtsatexactlythesametime.
Well?Isitpossible?
Wecanbeconsumedbyangerforalongtime
withoutrealizingwehavebeenangry.
Similarly,weareeasilylostinthought
withoutknowingwehavebeenthinking.
Evenwhenweareawake
wearenodifferentfromasleepwalker.
Wedothingswithouttheawarenessofdoingthem.
Justbecauseoureyesareopendoesnotmeanweareawake.
Beingawakemeansthat
youknowwhatishappeningwithinyourfieldofawareness.
Ratherthanblindlyfollowingyourthoughtsandfeelings,
stayawakeandrecognizethestateofyourmindbeforeitistoolate.
Atmealtimes,weoftendonotrealizehowmuchwe’veeatenuntilwestandup.
Spiritualpracticeisallaboutbeingmindfulofeachmoment.
Ifyouareawareinthemomentthatyourstomachisgettingfull,
thenyouarespirituallyadvanced.
Ourconsciousnessoftendoesnotknowwhatoursubconsciouswants.
Wethinkwewantsomething,butwhenwegetit,werealizewewantedsomethingelse.
Whenyouwishtohearthevoiceofyoursubconscious,trymeditation.
Meditationopensasecretpathtoyoursubconscious.
Ourconsciousnessmaydesiremoney,power,andprestige,
butoursubconsciousdesiresselflesslove,
harmony,humor,beauty,sacredness,peace,andacceptance.
Whenwelistentosilence,wecanhearsubtlevibrations.
Whilelisteningtothevibrations,askasimplequestion:
Whatisitthatislistening?
Thereisnolistener.
Thereisonlylistening.
“WhenIgazeuponwater,Ibecomewater.
WhenIlookataflower,Ibecometheflower.
Theflowerridingonthewater,yippee!”
—ZENMASTERSEO-ONG(1912–2003)
Whenourbodiesarefitandhealthy,wefeellight,almostlikeair.
Butjustbecausewefeellightdoesnotmeanourbodiesarenotthere.
Ittakesalotofeffortforourfitnesstoappearnaturalandeffortless.
Butjustbecauseitappearseffortlessdoesnotmeanthatnoeffortwasmade.
Whatwecallour“spirit”or“enlightenednature”existslikeair,
solightandnaturalthatwearenotawareofit,
unlesswetrainourselvestobemindfulofit.
Alongtimeago,
therewasonlyonemind,
whichbecameboredbybeingaloneforsolong.
Soitdecidedtosplitintotwo.
Butsincethetwoknewtheywereoriginallyone,
playingtogetherwasnotmuchfun—
asifplayingbothsidesofachessgame.
Sothetwomindsagreedtoforgetwheretheycamefrom;
theypretendednottoknoweachother.
Astimepassed,theyalsoforgotabouttheiragreement.
Theyforgottheywereactuallyoneandthesame.
Thisistheconditionofourexistence.
Weforgetthatweareoriginallyfromonemind.
Whenanenlightenedpersontranscendsthedualityofyouandme,
sheseeslifeasonelongplay.
Thisiswhysheremainshumorousandlighthearted.
Sheplaysherrolebutneverforgetsitisaperformance.
Lifeisliketheater.Youareassignedarole.
Ifyoudon’tliketherole,
keepinmindthatyouhavethepowertore-createtheroleyouwant.
C H A P T E R T H R E E
Passion
TemperYourEagerness
ALTHOUGHISTILLfeltlikeastudent,beforeIknewitIhad“PhD”aftermynameandhadbecomeacollegeprofessorinasmalltowninMassachusetts.Istillrecallvividlyhowmyheartpoundedatthethoughtofmeetingmystudentsforthefirsttime.Iwasfilledwitheageranticipation,muchlikeateenagergoingonablinddate.Itriedtorememberthemanywonderfulteacherswhohadtaughtme,andIhopedIwouldembodysomeoftheirskillandauthenticpresence.
OfthetwocoursesIwasteachingthatfirstsemester,onewasthesubjectthathadbeenthemostinspiringtomewhenIwasastudent—IntroductiontoBuddhistMeditation.Ididn’twantthisclasstobemerelytheoretical;Iwantedtoprovidestudentswithachancetoactuallyexperiencemeditationforthemselves.Ihopedthatlater,evenaftertheygraduatedfromcollege,theywouldturntomeditationwhenconfrontedwithdifficultiesintheirlives.IthoughtthebestgiftIcouldgivemystudentswastheabilitytoobservetheirownmindsobjectivelyandnotbecaughtupintheirever-changingthoughtsandemotions.
Istillremembermyfirstlecturelikeitwasyesterday.Beforegoingintothatclass,IwasworriedaboutwhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit,butIendedupspeakingpassionatelyabouttheincrediblerarityofwhatiscalled“karmicaffinity”inBuddhism.Itoldthestudentsthat,accordingtoBuddhistteachings,ourgatheringtherethatdaywasnottheproductofmerechance,buttheresultofourhavingmetovercountlesslifetimes.Ialsosaidthatsinceourtimetogetherwassucharare,preciousoccurrence,weshouldaimforaproductivesemester.Asmanyofthestudentswerefreshmen,theywereverysincereandseemedtohavegreatexpectationsforcollege.Theclasssizewaslimitedtotwenty-fivestudents,soitwasnotdifficultformetolearnalltheirnames,andIwasabletohavebriefchatswitheachofthem.Ifoundoutwhytheyweretakingtheclassandwhattheyhopedtolearn.IlikedthemallandpromisedmyselfIwoulddedicatemytimeandenergytotheireducation.
Myenthusiasmbecameevenmoreevidentastheclassbegan.Igavemystudentsalittlemorehomeworkthantheotherprofessors,asIfelttheurgetoteachthemasmuchasIcould.WhenIreceivedtheirassignments,IgradedthemverycarefullyandasquicklyasIcould.Inaddition,Iaskedthestudents
topracticemeditationeverydayandtokeepjournalsoftheirexperiences.Whileotherprofessorstypicallyhostedonedinnerwiththeirstudentstowardtheendoftheterm,Iheldgatheringsseveraltimes,includingapicnictoalocalBuddhistmonastery.Once,IaskedmystudentstojoinmeatalocalchurchforatalkgivenbyaprominentAmericanVipassanameditationteacher.
Asthesemesterprogressed,Ibegantorealizethatmyeagernesswascreatingsomeproblems.IthoughtthatifIdidmyutmosttoteachthestudents,theywouldtrytheirbesttofollowalong.ThemajorityofstudentsseemedgratefulthatIwasgivingthemavarietyofexperiences,butafewappearedtiredandseemedtoloseinterest.Studentsbegancomingtoclasswithouthavingdonetheirassignments,somewithouthavingcompletedthereadings.Anumberofthembrazenlydeclaredthatsincethevisitstothemonasteryandthelocalchurchwerenotpartoftheclass,theyshouldn’thavetoattend.Ibegantofeeldisappointedandevenhurt.Icouldn’thelpmyself.IwasdoingeverythingIcouldforthem,andtheywererejectingwhatIwasoffering.
Iexaminedthisfeelingofdisappointment.WhenIsawthesituationmoreclearly,IrealizedhowunskillfullyIhadbeenconductingmyself.Thisclasswasjustoneoutoffourthestudentsweretaking.Importantasthesubjectwastome,theothercourseswereequallyimportanttothem.Itwasonlynaturalthattheycouldn’tinvestalltheirtimeinmycourse,butIhadn’tbeenabletoseethatclearlyandhadbeencaughtupinmyowndesiretoteach.
Nomatterhoweffectivethemedicinemaybe,ifyoudemandthatsomeonetakeit,itcantastelikepoison.Myteachingstylewasbecomingpoisonoustosomestudents.Afterthisrealization,inthemiddleofthesemesterIalteredtheclasstofindanappropriatebalancebetweenmypassionforteachingandmystudents’capacitytolearn.Tomyamazement,thestudentsnoticedthedifferencealmostimmediatelyandbegantorespondpositively.Ididn’tburdenthemwithmyoverzealousness,andtheyslowlyrediscoveredtheirinterestintheclassontheirownterms.Whenthathappened,IrealizedsomethingIshouldhaveknownallalong.
Whenwe’refirstgivenajob,especiallyonewe’vebeenworkingtowardforalongtime,it’seasytobecomeoverlyenthusiastic,asweareeagertoproveourselves.Butinourexcitement,wemakethemistakeofequatingourowneagernesswitheffectiveness.Gettingthejobdonewellismoreimportantthanone’sfeelingsofdoingagoodjob.Ittakeswisdomtodiscernthatthesetwoarenotalwaysrelated.Insomecases,one’szealouseffortscangetinthewayofachievingthedesiredoutcome,especiallyifoneisunabletoseetheneedsoftheothersworkingtowardittogether.
Onlywhenweknowhowtocontrolthisoverflowingpassioncanweworkharmoniouslyandeffectivelywithothers.Onlythencanweeffectivelyshareourenthusiasmwiththosearoundus.
Thetollofabellisheardfarandwideonlywhenthebellisstruckhard.
Yourinfluencewon’tspreadfarwithoutthesacrificeofhardwork.
Theworldnoticesyoureffortsmorequicklythanyouthink.
Itisimportantthatyouworkhard,
butdon’tbeenamoredofthefeelingofworkinghard.
Ifyouaredrunkonthatfeeling,thenyoucarelessabouttheactualwork
thanabouthowyouappeartootherstobeworkinghard.
Themostdangerouspeople
arethosewhohavepassionbutlackwisdom.
Ifyouwanttopredicthowapoliticianwillactafterwinninganelection,
lookathowhecurrentlylivesandhowhehasbehavedinthepast.
Apersondoesnotlivethewayhesayshewould.
Helivesthewayhehasbeenliving.
Historically,thepeoplewhobringaboutchangeinsociety
tendtobenotthemiddle-agedbutthepassionateyouth.
Theirheartsaresensitivetotheplightoftheoppressed.
Theirspiritsstandtallagainstinjusticeandfightforthevoiceless.
Holdontothatyouthfulheartandspiritnomatterhowoldyouare.
Everyoneiskindtosomeonetheymeetforthefirsttime.
Thequestionishowlongtheirkindnesslasts.
Don’tbefooledjustbecausesomeoneisnicetoyouatfirst.
Whenhiring,lookbeyondskillsandexperience
toseeifthecandidateknowshowtoenjoyherjob.
Peoplewhoenjoytheirworkareusuallymoresuccessfulthanthosewhodon’t.
Nomatterwhatwedo,
thetopbuttonofourbusinessmustbefastenedproperly.
Ifwethink,“I’lljustdoitthiswayfornowandfixitlater,”
itusuallydoesnothappen,
becauselaterwemaynothavethemotivationtofixit,
orwejustgetusedtothewayitis.
Itislikemovingintoahouseanddecidingtofixitupovertime.
Evenaftermanyyears,wenevergetaroundtofixingitup.
Weendupjustlivingwiththewaythingsareforalongtime.
Someonethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcangetintoaprestigiouscollege.”
Someoneelsethinks,“I’llstudyhardsoIcanteachmysister,
whocannotattendschoolbecausemyfamilycannotaffordtosendher.”
Althoughtheybothhavethesamedeterminationtostudyhard,
theirmotivationsarequitedifferent.
Avowtohelpotherscansummonimmenseenergyfromwithin.
ThisiswhypeopletaketheBodhisattvavowstosaveallsentientbeings
beforeembarkingonajourneyofspiritualenlightenment.
Whenyouaremakingadecision,trytoassesshowmanypeopleitwillbenefit.
Ifitsatisfiesonlyyouregoandunnecessarilyhurtsmany,thenitisthewrongdecision.
Bethekindofpersonwhocanputyourselfinsomeoneelse’sshoes
andunderstandsomethingnotjustfromyourownperspective
butfromtheirsaswell.
Areyoutryingtogetclosertosomeone?
Isitbecauseyouwantsomethingfromhim?
Ifyouwishtobetrulyclose,thendiscardyourulteriormotives.
Whenyouaregenuinelykind,withoutanagenda,
thenotherswillmorereadilyopenuptoyou.
Somepeoplearegenerousandkindtothoseoutsidetheircircle
whileneglectingtheneedsofthosewithinit.
Itisamistaketotakefamilyandclosecolleaguesforgranted.
Whenthoseclosesttoyoufeelignoredandbetrayed,
everythingyouhavebuiltcancollapseinaninstant.
Alargeboulderisanexampletous
ofhowtostaytrueandnottowaver
evenwhenwavesofpraiseorcriticismrushoverus.
BeingRightIsn’tImportant;BeingHappyTogetherIs
Everyoneofushasbeliefs,values,andthoughtsthatarefundamentaltousandthatwecannotimaginecompromisingon.Webelievetheseareirrefutablyrightandthateveryonewouldagreeiftheycametotheirsenses.Buteveryonceinawhilewehavetospendtimewithpeoplewhodonotshareourconvictions.
Wemayclashoverpoliticalviews,religiousbeliefs,orlifevalues.Iftheconversationtouchesonthesetopics,itquicklybecomesanargument.Noonefeelstheyarebeingheardorrespected,andwhatremainsismostlyanger,confusion,andhurt.
Wemustaskwhetheritwasworthwhileifwemakeeachotherfeelunhappyorhurtinthenameofdefendingourbeliefs.Insteadofmaintainingthesanctityofourvalues,shouldn’twecaremoreaboutthepersonsittinginfrontofus?Isn’titbettertobehappytogetherthantoberightalone?
Tryingtoconvincesomeonetoadoptourviewsislargelytheworkofourego.Evenifweturnouttoberight,ouregoknowsnosatisfactionandseeksanewargumenttoengagein.
Maturitycomeswithexperience.Onelessonofmaturityisthatweshouldnottakeourthoughtstooseriously,andmustlearntocurbouregoandseethebiggerpicture.
Beingrightisn’tnearlyasimportantasbeinghappytogether.
Insteadofbeingthesmartestpersonintheroom,quicktocritiqueothers,
bethewarmheartedfriend,bringingpeopletogetherandsharingthings.
Bethesensitiveneighbor,capableoffeelingthesufferingofothers.
IfIwanttoconvincesomeone,
Ifirstlistenattentivelyandtrytounderstandthem.
EvenifIamright,theywon’tbeconvinceduntiltheyfeelheardandrespected.
Manyconflictsinourlivescanberesolved
ifweputourselvesintheotherperson’sshoes.
Trytolookatthingsfromherpointofview.
Ifyouconsideronlyyourside,
youarenodifferentfromachild.
Ifyougetangrywhiledebatingrightandwrong,
yourenragedvoicehasjustconcededdefeat.
Beingacriticiseasy.
Butifthecritictriestoruntheoperation,
hesoonunderstandsthatnothingisaseasyashiscriticisms.
Criticismwithoutasolutionismerelyaninflationofthecritic’sego.
Whenyouhearsomethingthatmakesyourbloodboil,
don’tshootoffatextorane-mailrightaway.
Awisepersonsleepsonit.
Aninstantemotionalreactionoftenleadstoaregrettableoutcome.
Itiseasytomakepeoplefeelspecial.
Peopleusuallyprefertalkingtolistening.
Askmanyopen-endedquestionsandlistenwithgenuineinterest.
Theywillfeelflatteredbyyourattention,andevenlikeyou.
Apowerfulpersonisoftensurroundedbyonlyyes-men,
helpingtheirbossfeelimportantandexceptional.
Ifthepeoplearoundyoualwaysagreewithyou,
theyareprobablyopportunists,notloyalists.
Whenaquestionhasbothalong,complicated,butlogical-soundinganswer
andasimpleanswerthatcanbeunderstoodbyevenachild,
therightanswerisusuallythesimpleone.
Whenyouaskaquestion
andthereisnoresponse,
thenthatistheanswer.
Thereareonlythosewhoknowtheirshortcomings
andthosewhodonot.
Nobodyisperfect.
Everyonehasshortcomings.
Ifsomeonelooksperfect,
thenthatisbecauseyoudon’tknowthepersonverywell.
“Don’ttrytomakeitperfect.Instead,makeitinteresting!”
—ANINTERIORDESIGNER’SADVICE
Doyouwanttobehappy,
ordoyouwanttoappearhappy?
Nevermindwhattheworldtellsyoutodotobehappy.
Betruthfultoyourselfanddiscoverwhatyoureallywant.
Choosehappiness,notsuccess,asyourlife’sgoal.
Ifyoubecomesuccessfulbutaren’thappy,thenwhatisthepoint?
Therearethosewhowanttobecomesuccessful
inordertothumbtheirnosesatthepeoplewholookeddownonthem.
Butwhathappensafteryouachievesuccess?
Whatdoyoudoafterprovingthattheywerewrong?
Ifyouwanttotrulysucceed,don’tuseanyoneelse’syardstick.
Meaningfulpraiseisfromsomeoneinthesamefieldasyou.
Itisworthpraisefromtenormorepeopleoutsideyourfield.
Professionalshavetheirtalentsandareasofexpertise.
Ifaclienttriestocontrolandmonitoreverydetail,
theprofessionalcannotworkatfullcapacityandfeelsinhibited.
Ifyouwantthebestresult,watchwithinterestbutknowwhentobackoff.
Aveterandoctor,lawyer,oraccountantwon’tnecessarilyprovidebetterservice
thanthepassionateyoungprofessionalwhohasbeeninthefieldonlyafewyears.
Theamountofattentionyougetisoftenmoreimportant
thantheprofessional’sillustriouscareerhistory.
Aftermasteringeighteenlevelsofkungfu,
youcanhurtsomeonewiththeflickofafinger.
Butifyougoontomasterallthirty-sixlevels,
youchoosetoretreatwhentheweakfoolishlycometofight.
Areyoumovingup?
Areyoudoingwell?
Thenseewhetheryouaresucceedingattheexpenseofothers,
oralongwithothers.
Ifyoushoveothersasideonthewaytosuccess,
thenyouwillbepulledunderoncethetidechanges.
C H A P T E R F O U R
Relationships
TheArtofMaintainingaGoodRelationship
MANYOFUSinvesttimeandmoneytoliveinanicehouse,driveafancycar,andappearyoungandbeautiful.Buthowmuchdoweinvestintheintangible,likegoodrelationships?Ifwearefortunateenoughtobesurroundedbyfamilyandfriendswholoveusforwhoweareandgenuinelycareforourwell-being,wefeelsecureandemotionallystableeveninthefaceofchallenges.Ontheotherhand,evenifwepossessourdreamhouse,aluxurycar,andaperfectbody,weremaindeeplyunhappyifthereareproblemsinourrelationships.Whentheproblemspersistwithoutanyresolutioninsight,webecomedepressedandeventhinkofcommittingsuicide.Ifhappinessiswhatwehopetoachieveinourlives,shouldn’tweputmoreeffortintocultivatinggoodrelationshipswiththepeoplearoundus?
INMYTWENTIES,Iwentonatwo-weekbackpackingtripinEuropewithaclosefriendfrommymonastery.WhenwearrivedattheairportinRome,ourspiritswerehigh.Wehadknowneachotherforacoupleofyearsandgotalongverywell.Ilikedhissenseofhumorandwarmheartednature,andheappreciatedmyadventurousspiritandoptimism.SincehedidnotspeakmuchEnglish,Ifeltobligatedtostayclosetohim.Afterthefirstsevendaysofspendingeverymomenttogether,we’drunoutofthingstotalkaboutandbothbecameirritable.Itwasnotbecauseofanyconcreteprobleminourfriendship;itwasjustthatwelongedforsometimealone.SothefollowingmorningIsuggestedwetakedifferentroutesandmeetupatthehostelatnight.Myfriendwelcomedmysuggestion.
AsIleftthehostel,Ifeltfree—IknewIcouldchoosetodowhateverIlikedfortheday;Ididnothavetonegotiatewithmyfriendaboutwheretogofirstandwhattoseenext.Butasthemorningturnedintotheafternoon,Iwasremindedoftheadvantagesoftravelingwithafriend.WhenIneededtogototherestroom,Icouldnolongerrelyonmyfriendtowatchmybackpack.Eatingalonewasnofun;itfeltmorelikeachorethanatimeforenjoymentandrelaxation.Ididn’ttakeanypicturesofmyselfthatdaybecauseIdidnotwanttobotherstrangers.WhenIencounteredsomethingbeautiful,suchasafamouspieceofart,Iwasnotasthrilledsincetherewasnoonetosharetheexcitementwith.WhenIarrivedatourhostelattheendoftheday,Iwas
quitehappytoseemyfriend.Overdinnerwefoundmanynewthingstotalkaboutinrecountingourrespectivedays.
FromthisexperienceIrealizedthattheartofmaintainingagoodrelationshipcanbecomparedtosittingbyafireplace.Ifwesittooclosefortoolong,webecomehotandpossiblyburned.Ifwesittoofaraway,wecannotfeelthewarmth.Similarly,nomatterhowwellwegetalongwithsomeone,ifwesticktooclosewithoutbuildinginsomepersonalspace,wesoonfeeltrappedandburnedout;itiseasytotaketherelationshipforgrantedandfeelresentfulaboutnothavingenoughprivacyandindependence.Ontheotherhand,ifweputintoolittleefforttostayintouchwithfriendsandfamily,wecan’tfeelthewarmthoftheirlove.Strikingabalanceiskey.
IHEARDAstoryfromKoreathatholdsanothergoodlessonaboutrelationships.ItisaboutamannamedMaengSa-seong(1360–1438),amemberoftheliteraticlassduringtheJoseonDynasty.Hewasrenownedforhisintelligence:Atagenineteenhereceivedthehighestmarksinthestatecivilserviceexamination,andatagetwentyhebecamecountymagistrate.Buthisquicksuccessmadehimhaughtyandvain.OnedayMaengpaidavisittoaneminentZenBuddhistmasterinhisdistrictandasked,“WhatshouldIkeepinmindasIrulethisvillage?”
Themasteransweredpolitely,“Allthatisnecessaryistoavoidevilandtodogoodformany.”
Maengsnapped,“Evenachildknowsthat!Isthatallyouhavetotellme?”
AsMaenggotuptoleave,themasterinsistedhestayabitlonger.Afterbrewingtea,themasterpouredsomeinMaeng’scupbutdidnotstopwhenthecupwasfull.Perplexed,Maengdemandedtoknowwhathewasdoing.
“Youseemtoknowthattoomuchteawillruinthefloor,”themasteranswered,“buthowdoyounotknowthattoomuchknowledgewillruinone’scharacter?”
Embarrassed,Maengsprangtohisfeetandrushedtowardthedoortoleave,butinhishastehehithisheadonthedoorframe.Themastergentlyadmonishedhim:“Ifyouloweryourhead,youwon’tbumpintotrouble.”
Aswecansee,toomuchpridecanbeasourceofconflict.Ifwetreatpeoplewithhumilityandrespect,conflictscanbeavoided.Itisoftenourpridethatencouragesustostandupstraightandwageabattleofwills.Whilefightingtodeterminewhoisrightandwhoiswrong,weendupcausingphysicalandemotionalpain.Somepeopleevendragfamilyandfriendsintotheconflictandcreatemoreunnecessaryconfusionandillwill.Ifsomeone
comesuptomeandsays,“Let’sseewhosereligionisright,”Ifirstlistenrespectfully,thensay,“ThankyouforintroducingmetoaspectsofyourreligionthatIdidn’tknowmuchabout.Iappreciatethat.”IfIweretoengageinanargumentinordertowin,theonlyresultwouldbethatsomeonewouldfeelhurt.EvenifIdidwin,whatgoodwouldresult?Theotherpersonwouldonlyfeeldefeated.
Weallgrowupindifferentenvironments.Ourexperiencesarevaried,andsoareourpersonalities,habits,values,andthoughts.Itisnoteasyfordiversepeopletolivetogetherandtrytoforgerelationships.AccordingtotheBuddhistscriptureTheTreatiseontheKingofTreasuresSamadhi,“Donotexpectotherstofollowyourway.Whenthingsalwaysgoyourway,itiseasytobecomearrogant.”Asweexperienceadversityinourlives,wematureandbecomemoreunderstanding.Justrememberthatthepersonwhohasmadeyourlifedifficulttodaycouldbeanundercoverteachersentfromabove,taskedwithyourspiritualgrowth.
Doyouoftenfeellonelyatworkorinschool?
Perhapsyourheartisclosedofftothosearoundyou.
“Idon’tgether.”
“I’mbetterthanher.”
“We’reondifferentwavelengths.”
Ifyouthinkthisway,howcouldyounotbelonely?
Openyourheart,andhaveacupofcoffeewithher.
Youwillsoonseethatsheisnotthatdifferentfromyou.
Whenyouopenupaboutyourhurtandsorrow,
Ifeelgratefulthatyou’veturnedtomeforsupport.
It’sasthoughIammeetingyouinthemostsacredchamberofyourheart.
Politiciansalwayssaywhatsoundsgood.
Butwhattheysaydoesnotalwaysresonatewithus—
becausetheirwordsarecomingfromtheirhead,notfromtheirheart.
Speakfromyourheart,whichistender,simple,andtrue.
Peoplewillunderstandyou,andlikeyou.
Ifyouthinkyouareeithersuperiororinferiortosomeone,
aninvisiblewallgoesupbetweenyou.
Treathimlikeanoldfriendyouhaven’tseeninawhile.
Whenyouletyourguarddown,sowillhe.
Theendofasushiroll,withthefillingstickingout,
isoftentastierthanapieceslicedneatlyfromthemiddle.
Someoneslickandwell-put-togethercancomeacrossascoldandalienating,
whileanaverageguywithoutpretenseismoregenuineandattractive.
Doyouknowwhythatconversationissoboring?
Becausewearetrappedinpoliteness,unabletospeakfromtheheart.
Anyconversationcanbecomeinterestingandlively
assoonaswestartspeakingwithrealhonesty.
Whensomeoneswearsatyou,
staycalmandcollectedforthirtyseconds.
Then,thatistheendofit.
Butifyoufightbackanddemand,
“Whatisyourproblem?”
youwillhavetospendmoretimewiththatunhappyperson.
Peoplesayhurtfulthingsbecausetheythemselveshavebeenhurt.
Whenyouencountersomeonepricklyandmalicious,
thinkaboutwhatkindofmiserablesituationhemustbein.
Ifheistoomuch,andyoudon’thavetime,
justwhisper,“Blessyou,”andmoveon.
Whenyoucriticizesomeone,seeifyouaredoingsooutofenvy.
Yourcriticismrevealsmoreaboutyourselfthanyourealize.
Evenifyouarecorrect,peoplestillmayfindyouunappealing.
Ifyouwishtocommunicateeffectivelywithothers,
bettertodescribewhatyouarefeelingratherthangoontheoffensive.
Forinstance,say,“Iamverysadtohearthat,”
not,“Whydoyoualwaysmakemesad?”
Youwantpeopletohearyouratherthanhavetodefendthemselvesfromyou.
Whenyouaredisappointed,don’twaittoolongtosayso.
Whenyoubottleupyourfeelings,
theriverofemotionswells,
makingitdifficulttocrossoverandspeakcalmly.
Doyouhavealotofenemies?
Thenbehumbleandstopspeakingillofpeople.
Thosewhodonotmakeenemiesaremorepowerful
thanthosewhohavethestrengthtofightthemallandwin.
Thenoisefromamotorcycle
assaultsthedrivermorethananyone.
Thedriverhasonlyhimselftoblame
whenheisoldandcan’thearanything.
Whenyouspeakillofothers,
ithurtsyoumorethananyone—
becauseyournegativityisloudestwithinyou.
Nomatterhowhurtyouare,youdon’tneedtohavethelastword.
Thelastwordcanobliterateeventhegoodmemories.
Althoughthingshavechanged,
isitnecessarytodiscardallyourmemories,especiallythehappyones?
Whenblindedbyanger,wemakechoiceswelaterregret.
Leavingtheroombeforethebridgeisburnedisasignofmaturity.
Thebestwaytogetevenwithsomeonewhohasleftyou
istomeetsomeonenewandbecomehappyagain.
Plottingforrevengeandremainingjealousaftermanyyears
isaformulaforendlessmisery.
Hecomplainsaboutherbehindherback.
She,withoutknowinganything,approacheshim
andsaysthekindestwords.
Thebestrevengeislove.
EventhemostbeautifulmusicgetstiresomeifIlistentoitconstantly.
ButifIlistentoitaftersometimeaway,itbecomeswonderfulagain.
Theproblemisnotthemusicitself.Itismyrelationshipwithit.
EvenmybestfriendgetsannoyingifIamwithherfortoolong.
ButifIseeherafterabreak,sheiswonderfulagain.
Thetroubleisnottheperson.Itismyrelationshipwithher.
ThereisasayinginanearlyBuddhistscripture:
“Paperwrappedaroundincensesmellsofincense,
andstringbindingfishsmellsoffish.”
Whetherwelikeitornot,
wenaturallybecomeinfluencedbyoursurroundings.
Askyourself,“WhodoIwanttoemulate?
Isthatpersonphysicallyormentallynearby?”
Ifwehelpsomeoneinthehopeofgettingsomethinginreturn,
thisisnotgivingbutlending.
Truegivingisdonewithoutexpectinganythinginreturn.
Italsomeanswerelinquishcontroloverwhatwehavegiven.
Whenconversationturnstosomeone’sflaws,
trynottoparticipateandgentlyredirecttheconversation.
Whenwespeaktoomuch,itiseasytospeakillofsomeone.
Sowhenyoufeeltalkative,justbemindful.
Whenyouareaskedtodosomething,
determineifyoucandoit.
Ifyoucannot,thendeclineassoonaspossible,
thewayinarestaurantyouwouldsendbackthewrongorder.
Ifyoudon’tsenditbackimmediately,youwillhavetopayforit.
Thereisareasonpeopleflocktocertainindividuals.
Theyarewarm,nurturing,andmagnanimous.
Theyaregenerouswiththeirtime,money,andcompliments.
Ifyoutrytoleadpeopleonlybystressingrulesandprinciples,
theywillleaveyou,onebyone.
Agoodleaderknowsthis,andthustriestocultivatevirtue.
AccordingtothewiseConfucianscholarJeongYak-yong(1762–1836):
“Thebestwaytohideyourwealthistogiveitaway.
Ifyouaregenerouswithyourwealth,
themoneythatwouldhavedisappearedsoonerorlater
becomesaneverlastingjewel,deeplyengravedintheheartoftherecipient.”
TheairIinhaleentersmybodyandbecomespartofme.
TheairthatIexhalemovesintosomeoneelseandbecomespartofher.
Justbylookingathowtheairmoves,
werealizeweareallconnectedtooneanother,
notjustfigurativelybutalsoliterally.
“Whetherwelikeitornot,weareallconnected,
anditisunthinkabletobehappyallbyoneself.”
—HISHOLINESSTHEDALAILAMA*
Thewholeuniverseiscontainedinanapplewedgeinalunchbox.
Appletree,sunlight,cloud,rain,earth,air,farmer’ssweatareallinit.
Deliverytruck,gas,market,money,cashier’ssmileareallinit.
Refrigerator,knife,cuttingboard,mother’sloveareallinit.
Everythinginthewholeuniversedependsononeanother.
Now,thinkaboutwhatexistsinyou.
Thewholeuniverseisinus.
TheJourneyofForgiveness
Thepersonwhobetrayedyouandleft,thepersonwhostolefromyouanddisappeared,thepersonwhostabbedyouinthebackandactedasifnothinghappened—forgivethem.
Notforthem,butforyourownsake—truly,completely,foryourself.Notbecausetheydeserveyourforgiveness;notbecausetheyareonlyhuman.
Forgivethem.
Soyoucanbefree.Soyoucanbehappy.Soyoucangoonlivingyourlife.
Itwon’tbeeasy,anditwillfeelunjust.Asuddengushofangermaypassthroughyou.Tearsofbitternessmayrolldownyourface.Allowthosefeelingstosurface,andletthembe.Treatthemkindly,withyourcompassionateheart.
Afterhonoringyourtears,askyourselfsoftly:“DoIwanttokeepcarryingthisresentmentinmyheart?DoIwanttoliveasavictimforever?”
Whenyoufeelready,musteryourcourageandmakeupyourmind.Althoughyourheartwon’tlistentoyourmind’sdecision,resolvetoforgiveandtofreeyourselffromemotionalbondage.
Andthenrevisityourfeelingsofangerandbitterness.Givethemyourfullpermissiontoexpressthemselves.Howdothosefeelingsmanifestinyourbody?Dotheybecometensemuscles,arapidheartbeat,flushedskin?Dotheyemergeasshallowbreathing,aspressureinyourchest?
Letthewavesofsensationssurfaceandrecede.Attendtothesensationsmovingthroughyourbody.
Whenthewavesbecomeabitcalmer,lookdeeplyandseewhatisbeneaththem.Arethereanyhiddenemotionsbeneaththeangerandbitterness?
Doyouseefear,shame,orgrief?Istherelonelinessandinsecurity?Ratherthandrowninginthem,observethem.
Asyourheartbecomesmoretenderandopen,turnyourattentiontowardtheaggressor.Canyoulookbeneaththatperson’smaskandfeelwhatisunderneathsuchviolenceanddishonesty?
Canyousensehisfear,insecurity,andunworthiness?Canyoufeellonelinessorshameunderthesurface?Ratherthansurrenderingtohim,observehimcompassionately.
Insideofusthereisasteepmountainoffearandadeepriverofgrief.Butthereisalsothecompassionateeyewitnessingyourinnerlandscape.Mayyoufindyourinnerwitness,thesourceoffreedomandhealing.
Whenwehatesomeone,
wethinkabouthimalot.
Unabletolethimgo,
wegraduallybegintoactlikehim.
Don’tlethimbecomealong-termtenantoftheheart.
Evicthimrightawaywithanoticeofforgiveness.
Doesthepersonyouhate
deservetobecarriedaroundinyourheart?
Keepinyourheartonlythosewholoveyou.
Ifyoucarryaroundwithyoupeopleyouhate,
itcausesonlyangstanddepression.
Inyourrelationships,
assumeyouwillneedtogivemorethanyoureceive.
Weremembersowellwhatwehavedoneforothers
buteasilyforgetwhatothershavedoneforus.
Evenifyoufeelyouareowedalittle,
it’slikelyyouhavereceivedclosetowhatyouhavegiven.
SeeingthatIamamonk,
somepeopleputtheirpalmstogetheringreeting,
andIinvoluntarilydothesame.
Somenod,
andIinvoluntarilydothesame.
Humansarelikemirrors:
Wereflecteachother.
Whenawisepersonwantssomethingfromothers,
shefirstdoeswhatshedesiresfromthem,
exemplifyingratherthanaskingforit.
Ifyouwantafriendtorememberyourbirthday,
rememberhersfirst.
Ifyouwantyourhusbandtogiveyouamassage,
givehimamassagefirst.
IfyouwantyourchildrentowatchlessTV,
turnoffyourTVfirst.
Don’tjustwaitforwhatyouwanttohappen.Actfirst.
Thewisemanduckshishead
whensomeoneswingsathim.
Ifheswingsbackjustbecausehewasswungat,
hewillbeseenastheaggressorandfailtowinpeople’shearts.
Althoughitmayseemunjust,
refrainingfromreactingoutofangershowstruecharacter.
Peopleturnsullenoveratrivialemotionalmatter,
andthenattackthepersonlater
withanunrelatedbutlogical-soundingpretext.
Whenyouloweryourself,theworldelevatesyou.
Whenyouelevateyourself,theworldlowersyou.
Whenyouarriveatthepeakofenlightenment,
youwillunderstand:
Yourpeakisthesameheightasyourneighbor’s.
Atthepeak,youseeeveryone’sholiness.
Whenyoukeepclashingwithsomeone,
itmaybetheworld’swayofaskingyoutolookcloselyatyourself.
Whenyoudon’tlikesomeone,trytofigureoutwhatitisyoudon’tlike;
seewhetheryouhaveasimilarflawwithinyourself.
Theflawthatyouimmediatelynoticeinsomeoneyoumeet
isprobablyaflawofyours,too.
Ifyoudidn’thaveit,
youwouldn’thavenoticeditsoquickly.
Nooneisinherentlygoodorbad.
Onlythecircumstanceinwhichweencountereachotherisgoodorbad.
Acriminalwhohappenstostopacarfromrunningoverme
isanangelsentbyGod.
ANobelPeacePrizewinnerwhohappenstobumpintomeonthesubway
isajerk.
Inagatheringofsevenoreightpeople,
wewillsurelymeetoneortwowholikeusalot
andoneortwowhoarenotthatfondofus.
Don’ttakeitpersonally;thisisjustthewayoftheworld.
Letpeoplehavetheirownopinions—
theyareentitledtothem.
Itiswhenyouwanttochangetheiropinionproblemsarise.
Thisisnotonlyimpossibleandfutilebutalsounnecessary.
Howboringwouldtheworldbeifeveryonethoughtexactlythesameway?
Whenyougrantpeoplefreedom,youwillfindyours,too.
Whatistheuseofsomeonecarryingadesignerhandbag
whenherbehaviorlacksthesamerefinement?
Themoreyoutrytochangeyourspouse,children,orfriends,
themoredifficultandstrainedyourrelationshipsbecome.
Peopledonotchangeeasily,
unlesstheysuffertremendoushardshiporhavealife-alteringexperience.
IwasoncetoldbyaBuddhistmasterthat
therearetwokindsofchildrenintheworld:
thoseborntorepaythekindnessoftheirparents,
andthosebornonlytotakewhattheirparentshave.
Askyourself:
Whichkindofasonordaughterareyoutoyourparents?
Whenyouthinkyourspousewon’tchange
andyouworryhowyouwilllivetherestofyourlifetogether,
askyourself:
AmIperfectinmyspouse’seyes?
Whenfacedwithaprobleminarelationship,
itwillneverbesolved
ifyoubeginbyasking,“Whycan’theunderstandme?”
or“Whywon’thejustdowhatIsay?”
Itisbecausethisapproachbeginswithademand.
Instead,beginbyasking,
“Whatisitthatmakeshimunhappyandfeelmisunderstood?”
or“Whatpastexperienceismakinghimrespondinthisway?”
Whenyoubeginwiththeintentionofunderstandinghim,
yourheartisreleasedfromtheprisonofyourviews
andopensuptofeelhispain.
Peoplewhoeasilyignoreothersdoso
becausetheyareafraidofbeingignored.
Whycan’tyoutrustthatfriend?
Becauseyouknowalltoowell
thatyou,too,arecapableoflying
inasimilarcircumstance.
Whatmakesustrulyhappy
ismeetingsomeonewhoacceptsusforwhoweare.
Evenifwearesuccessful,
wecanstillfeelinadequateandinsecure
ifwearemadetobelievethatsomethingiswrongwithus.
Accordingtosomepsychologists,
happinesscanbeassessedwithtwosimplequestions.
First,doyoufindmeaninginyourwork?
Second,doyouhavegoodrelationshipswiththosearoundyou?
Areyoulonelybecauseyouarealone?
AccordingtotheTalmud,
everybladeofgrasshasanangelwhoprotectsit.
Theangelswhispertoeachblade,
“Grow!Grow!”
Ifevenabladeofgrasshasanangel,
wouldn’teachofusaswell?
Ifyoufeellonely,
thinkoftheangelonyourshoulder
andbegratefulthatyouarecaredfor.
Amosquitohasbeeninmyroomforthelasttwodays,
anditstillhasn’tbittenme.
Okay,letuslivetogether.
Wemustsharesomekarmicaffinity.
Weliveamongcountlessrelations:
family,friends,colleagues,neighbors,etc.
Lifeisgoodwhentheserelationshipsaregood.
Beinghappybyyourselfdoesn’tlastlong.
Forspiritualpractitioners,
relationshipsarethefinaltest.
Evenifyouhaveawakenedtoyourenlightenednature,
thereisstillfurthertogoinyourspiritualjourney
ifyou’renotlivingharmoniouslywithothers.
C H A P T E R F I V E
Love
FirstLove
Betweenus,Mary,therestandsanunknowngod.
—KAHLILGIBRAN*
IWASINtenthgradewhenIfirstcameacrossKahlilGibran’sbooks.Idoveintohiswordswithoutknowingwhohewasorwherehewasfrom.Ihadnotyettastedthesweetnessofloveorthebitternessoflife,buthislovepoemsandspiritualproseenthralledme.Itwasprobablyhispoemsthatfirstputmeintouchwithsomethingineffablybeautifulandsacredwithinmyself.AsIreadTheProphetandJesustheSonofMan,Ifeltadeepsenseofreverencefor,andintimacywith,Jesus.Thiswasanewexperienceforme,asIhadpreviouslybeenexposedonlytodry,moralisticChristianteachingsofgoodandevil.
EvenmorefascinatingwerethelovelettersbetweenGibranandMaryHaskell,hisclosefriendandspiritualpartner.Thelettersupendedmyinexperiencedteenageheartlongingfortruelove.IendedthemanylongnightsofmyhighschoolyearsreadingGibran’spoetry.IstillrememberhowGibrandescribedhisloveinthisfollowingsimple,yetelegant,sentence:
Demonstrationsoflovearesmall,comparedwiththegreatthingthatishiddenbehindthem.*
Gibran’stenderspiritandhislanguagemovedmedeeply.EventhoughIhadneverfalleninlove,hiswordsdugintomyheartasifIwereexperiencingitmyself.
Whenlovebeckonstoyou,followhim,
Thoughhiswaysarehardandsteep.
Andwhenhiswingsenfoldyou,yieldtohim,
Thoughtheswordhiddenamonghispinionsmaywoundyou.*
Ipromisedmyselfthatwhenlovefoundme,I,too,wouldpourallofmyselfintoit,withoutcalculationorfear,evenifdeeppainlurkedbehindit.But,aseveryoneknows,lovedoesnotarrivejustbecauseyouwantitto,orthinkyouarereadyforit.Infact,elusivenessseemstobethenatureoflove:Theharderyoutrytograspit,thefurtherawayitremains.
AfewyearslaterIwokeuponemorningandrealizedthatmylong-awaitedlovehadfinallyfoundme.Itwaslikeanunexpectedguestwalkingstraightintomyheart,regardlessofmywillorreadiness.Itisembarrassingforamonktotalkabouthisfirstlove,butshewasanAmericanmissionarywhomImetbychanceonthestreetsofSeoul.Iwasinterestedinreligionandspirituality,sowehadalottotalkabout.ShetaughtEnglishtomeandmyfriends,andwehelpedherlearnKorean.AlthoughshewasseveralyearsolderthanIwas,wesharedseveralinterestsbeyondreligionandlanguages.WebothlikedGeorgeWinston’smusic,LucBesson’sfilms,andmusicalslikeLesMisérables.Imadehermixtapes,andshebakedmecookiesandpies.EventhoughIrarelyhadachancetobewithherone-on-one,Ilookedforwardtoseeingher,evenifitwasinaclasssetting.SoonIrealizedthiswasnotjustayouthfulcrush;itwaslove.
Butcouldthislovecometofruition?Itwasfatedtobeone-sided.InhereyesIwasjustahighschoolstudent.ShewasduetoreturntotheU.S.aftersixmonths,backtoherlongtimeboyfriend.Itwasclearlynotgoingtoworkout,butIcouldnotdoanythingabouthowIfelt.Whenlovefindsyou,itconsumesyou;everythingelsebecomesunimportant.Mythoughtswerecirclingheralldaylong,andmyheartwaswideopenandvulnerable.Everythinglookedmorevividandmeaningful.IfeltsohappywhenIthoughtabouther,asifIwereflyingtothehighestpeakintheworldwithher.Butasthedateforhertoreturnhomeapproached,Ialsofeltunbearablesorrow.Iwassoveryhappy,andatthesametimeinacutepain.
TwoweeksbeforeherdeparturefortheU.S.,Ifeltmyselfishnessgraduallydissipate.Nothingwasimportantotherthanher.ItwaslikeIwasdisappearingfromtheworld,leavingonlyherinit—asthougheverythingintheworldsprangfromher.ThatwaswhenIfinallyunderstoodwhatGibranmeantwhenhesaidtherewasanunknowngodbetweenhimandMary.Loveseemedsosacredandmysterious,liketheworkofagodfarmorepowerfulandsignificantthaneitherofus.AllofGibran’swordstookonnewmeaning.Thewholeworldappearedquitedifferenttome.
ThreeyearsaftersheleftKorea,shewrotetometoannounceherwedding:Shewouldfinallybemarryingherboyfriend.AtthatpointIwasincollege,inCalifornia;IwantedtoflytotheSouthtocongratulateher.ButIhadneitherthemoneynorthetime.Whatreallystoppedmefromattendingherwedding,though,wasthefearthatseeinghergetmarriedwouldbetoopainful.Icouldonlysendaletterwishingherthebest,alongwithasmallpresent.TwoyearslaterIgraduatedfromcollegeanddecidedtodrivecross-countrywithafriend.Whenwepassedthroughhertown,Icalledandaskedifshewouldliketohavecoffeewithme.Shewasthrilledtoseeme,andwereminisced
aboutourtimetogetherinKorea.Herhusbandcamewithherandtreatedmewarmly.Hewasakindheartedperson,justlikeher.
AFTERCOLLEGEIlivedinCambridge,Massachusetts,whereIwasstudyingformymaster’sdegree.IfrequentlyvisitedBoston’sSouthEnd,whereGibran’sfamilylivedafteremigratingfromLebanonattheendofthenineteenthcentury—whentheSouthEndwasoneofthelargestslumsinBoston,populatedlargelybySyrianandLebaneseimmigrants.Today,though,it’sabeautifulneighborhood,withNewEnglandred-brickbuildings.Gibrangrewupthere,livingwithhismotherandsiblingsandlearningEnglishatschool.Heenrolledinartschoolandblossomedintoatalentedartist.In1904hehadhisfirstexhibition,andMaryHaskell,whowastenyearsolder,wastakenwithhisartistry;shebecamehispatronfortherestofhislife.Gibransentherlettersfilledwithinsightsaboutloveandlife,andthoseletters,havingnestleddeepinmyteenageheart,remainwithmeeventoday.
Andwhenhespeakstoyou,believeinhim,
Thoughhisvoicemayshatteryourdreamsasthenorthwindlayswastethegarden.
Forevenaslovecrownsyou,soshallhecrucifyyou.*
HaskelleventuallyleftBostonandmovedtotheSouth.ThreeyearslatershewrotetoGibrantoinformhimthatshewastobemarried—justasmyfirstloveannouncedtomethreeyearsafterhermovetotheSouth.HavingthisincommonwithGibranmademefeelclosertohim,andhiswritingsfeltevenmorespecialtome.Today,whenIthinkaboutmyfirstlove,Inolongerfeelsorrow.Atthetime,though,myheartached.Thosefeelingsarelonggone,replacedwithadeepgratitude.Iamsogratefultomyfirstlove,toGibran,
andtotheuniverseforintroducingmetothewonderofloveanddevotionandtothefeelingofbeingtrulyalive,andforgivingmetheexperienceofavanishingego,auniverseofinfinitemeanings,andaglimpseofGod.
Ifyoulookforlove,inpursuitofwhatitcangiveyou,
itwillhideitself.
Ifyouasklovetoarrivebecauseyouarenowready,
itwillskipyourdoor.
Loveislikeanuninvitedguest.
Lovewillcomewhenitwantsto.
Lovewillleavewhenyouaskmoreofit.
Ifyouattempttofindalovethatmeetscertaincriteria,
yournewlovemayalsomakecertaindemandsofyou.
Dropyourdemandsquicklywhenloveknocksonyourdoor.
Loveiswarmandfreeing.
Itisinnocent,likeachild
withoutahiddenagenda.
Wecandeterminehowclosewearetosomeonebyasking,
“CanIactlikealittlekidinfrontofthatperson?”
Whenwelovesomeone,wefeellikealittlekidinourheart.
WhenIbeganlookingformyfirstteachingjob,
Ithoughtitwassimilartogoingoutonadate.
Imightlikeit,butitmightnotlikeme.
Oritmightlikeme,butImightnotlikeit.
Tocooksomethingdelicious,
youneedtimefortheingredientstomarinate.
Tobuildalastingrelationship,
youneedtimefortrusttodevelop.
Whenyouaredating,temperyourenthusiasm.
Youmayask,“Whatiswrongwithexpressingmyhonestfeelings?
Whycan’tIgiveheragiftandtellherIloveher?”
Yourwordsandgiftswillmeanmoretoherwhensheisready.
Loveher,notyourfeelings.
Loveneedstobebalanced.
Ifyoulikehimmorethanhelikesyou,
givehimtimeandspacetocatchup.
Itisimportanttoholdbackyouremotions
whenyourfeelingsarenotinbalancewithhis.
“HaeminSunim,Ifoundmyselfgettingsoupsetwithhim.
AtfirstIthoughtitwasbecauseIdidnotlikehim.
ButthenIrealizeditwasbecausehewasnotinterestedinme.”
Angerfornoreasoncouldbetheexpressionofacrush.
Inelementaryschool
Imetatallgirlwhomadefunofme.
LaterIlearnedshewasdoingittogetmyattention.
Thatwasmyfirstinsightintothecomplexitiesofhumanpsychology.
Oneoftheworstfeelingsistobelieve
thatyoudon’tmatter.
Lookaroundyou.
Haveyouintentionallyorunintentionally
ignoredanyone?
Onlywhenwearehurt
dowethinkofsomeone
whomwehavehurt
andfeeltrueremorse.
Theendofarelationshiprevealswhatwearemadeof.
Moveaway,justonestep,fromyourstubbornnessandanger.
Thatonestepismoresignificantthantenstepswhenthingsarefine.
Itwilldiminishyourpainandrescueyoufrominsanity.
Theheartisslowerthanthemind.
Themindknowsyoumustpartways,butyourheartdoesnot.
Thisisbecauseyourfeelingsaresettleddeeperinyourheart.
Whenoneday,aftermanydaysofdisappointment,
yourpartnerdealsthefinalblow,
thelightfinallydimsinyourheart.
Fallengingkonutsarelikeafailedrelationship.
Oncesolovelyhangingfromthetree,
theyemitastinkastheyarecrushedunderfoot.
Beasgentleinendingarelationship
asyouwereinstartingit.
Proofofhavingreallyloved:
Youdonotspeakillofyourex
evenafteryourrelationshiphasended.
Sometimes,afterarelationshipisover,
youcatchyourselfthinking,
“Ihopesheishappy,”withoutbitterness.
Thisisasignyouhavemovedon.
Paincausedbyonepersoncanbehealedbyanother.
Butbeforeyougoouttomeetsomeonenew,
makesuretogiveyourselftimetobewholeagain.
Otherwiseyoumayendupusingthenewpersonyoumeet.
Anexceptionalrelationshipisnot
onewithagoodbeginning
butonewithagoodending.
Relationshipsoftenbeginaccidentally,
butwhenitcomestoendingthem,
weusuallyhavechoices.
Choosetheendingwisely.
ILoveYourOrdinariness
AftermyDharmatalk,youapproachedmeshyly,withawarmbottleofsoymilkinyourhands,andsaidtenderly,“Sunim,IamsorryIcanonlyaffordtoofferyouthis.”Afterhandingmethebottleandanote,youdisappearedintothecrowd.
WhenIreadyournote,Iwasdeeplytouched:“Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheartforlisteningtomeandofferingyouradvicetosuchanunremarkable,ordinarypersonlikeme.”
Withthewarmthofthebottlestilllingeringinmyhands,IregrettedthatImissedtheopportunitytospeakwithyoufurther.Sincewemaynotmeetagain,Idecidedtowritetoyouhere,hopingthismessagemightsomehowreachyou.
IwantyoutoknowthatIloveyourordinariness,becauseI,too,amordinary.Thetruthis,weareallordinary.
Nomatterhowfamousorbeautifuloneis,nomatterhowmuchmoneyorpoweronehas,nomatterhowmanywonderfulaccomplishmentsonehashad,weallhaveourshareofsetbacks,heartbreak,andloss.Wehavetofacechallengeswehavenocontrolover.Lonelinessandthefearofdeathwillaccompanyustoourfinaldays.Everyoneisonthesametreacherousjourneyoflife’staintedglory.
SoIloveyou,youwhoshylystoodbeforeme,murmuringsoftlythatyouareordinary,offeringthewarmbottleofyourheart.
Withoutlove,
ourliveswouldpassusby
intheblinkofaneye.
Lovehasthepowertostoptheworldforamoment.
Lovemakestheworldlookbeautiful.
Whenthereislove,thereisbeauty.
Whenloveisdryingupinyourlife,
lookforthebeautyaroundyou.
Thatiswherelovecanbefound.
Youarebeautiful
notbecauseyouarebetterthanothers
butbecausethereisonlyyouwhocansmilelikethat.
Mayyoufallinlovewithyouruniqueself.
Onesummernight,Ilookupandfocusononestaroutofmany.
Thatstaralsochoosestolookatme,outofallthepeopleonearth.
Ameetingbetweentwopeopleislikethis,ararecosmicevent.
Itisoneinamillion,abillion,atrillion.
Loveis
trustingsomeone,
beingthereforsomeone,
beingreadytolistenwithatenderheart
fornootherreasonthanlove.
Attimeswearenotsure
whetherwhatwefeelislove.
Atthatmoment,askyourselfthis:
“AmIhappytogivemoreevenafterhavinggivenalot?”
Iftheanswerisyes,andthereisnoregretafterward,
thenthatisprobablylove.
Lovemeanslovingsomeonethewaysheis.
Wantinghertobeacertainwayisnotlovebutyourdesire.
Donotattempttoimprovesomeoneinthenameoflove.
Itisimprovementonlyinyoureyes,notinhers.
Ifsomethingismeanttoblossomintoarelationship,
itusuallyworksoutwithoutmuchdifficulty.
Ifyouaretheonlyoneputtingineffort,thenlethimgo.
Thismayrelievethepressure,andmotivatehimtomakeeffort.
Ifnot,thenitwillopenupanewpathforyou.
Lovecomesnaturallyandeffortlessly.
Ifyoutrytolovesomeone,thenitisnotrealuntilyoustoptrying.
Acastingdirectorauditionsmanyactors
butrecognizestherightoneassoonashewalksin.
Itcanbethesamewithanewhouse,adiamondring,afuturespouse.
Ifyouarehesitant,thenyoumightnothavefoundtherightoneyet.
Loveher
without“Whatif,”
withoutcalculation,
withoutsecond-guessing,
withoutcomparinghertoothers.
Loveherwiththesteadfastconvictionofyoursoul.
Ifoneofyouisunshakable,thentherelationshipcanlast.
Pleasedon’tcallitlove.
Whatyouareexperiencingisinfatuation
withnocommitmentorresponsibility.
Infatuationisnotlove
becauseitbeginsandendswithyou.
Itismoreaboutyourfeelings,andlessabouttheotherperson.
Whenweareinlove,weliketodonicethingsfortheonewelove.
Butitisequallyimportanttorefrainfromdoingunnecessarythings.
Weoftenoverlookthatpart.
Weliketogetinvolvedinotherpeople’sbusiness,
thinkingwearedoingsoforthem.
Weofferunsolicitedhelpandinterferewiththeirlives.
Wetakeawaytheirpowerandmakethemfeelincapable.
Thisstemsfromourdesireforcontrolandrecognition.
Ithaslittletodowithlove.
Weshouldlovepeoplelikethesunlovestheearth.
Thesunlovestheearthwithoutchoosingto.
Itnourishestreesandflowers,expectingnothinginreturn.
Itdoesnotwithholditsraysbutbrightenseverythingwithitspresence.
LikeKahlilGibransaid,
loveeachotherlike
twopillarssupportingthesameroof.
Whilelookingoutonthehorizontogether,
allowspacebetweenyouandyourlovedone.
Withoutit,youwillsuffocateandexhaustyourlove.
Rememberthis:
Whenyoustruggletoholdontoher,sheleaves.
Whenyoudecidetolethergo,shestays.
Wedothingsfortheonewelove,
butsometimesjustbeingthereexpressesevendeeperlove.
Givethegiftofyourfullpresence.
C H A P T E R S I XLife
DoYouKnowKungFu?
WHENIWALKaroundNewYorkCityinmygraymonasticrobes,IoftenencounterlittleboyswhoimitateBruceLeeuponseeingme.AtfirstIdidn’tunderstandwhattheyweredoing,butsoonenoughIdid—theyassumedanyonewithashavedhead,wearingrobes,wouldknowmartialarts.Ithoughtthiswascuteandamusing.AmoreforwardboyevenaskedmeifIknewkungfulikethoseChinesemonksatShaolinTemple.Theplayfulsideofmewantedtomakeafewfakekungfuposes,slowlyraisingmyarmsandmyrightleg.
WhenadultsfindoutthatIamaBuddhistmonastic,theyaskwithcuriosity,“Whatkindofmeditationdoyoupractice?”or“Howmanyhoursdoyousiteverymorning?Yourmindmustbeverypeaceful.”ThentheytalkabouttheirexperiencesatalocalZencenteroryogastudio,ortellmeaboutabookonmindfulnesstheyhavecomeacross.FormanyadultsintheWest,itseemsthataBuddhistteacherissomeonewhoissereneandcollectedthankstodailymeditation.Althoughtheassumptionsofthechildandtheadultaredifferent,Ifindthatthereisanunderlyingsimilarity.Bothchildandadultarecuriousaboutwhatitisthatamonkdoes.Inotherwords,whenitcomestoimaginingamonk’sidentity,peopleintheWesttendtozeroinonhisbehavior.
WhenIaminKorea,adifferentsetofquestionsawaitsme.Onthesubway,forinstance,thepersonsittingnexttomemightask,“Whereisyourhomemonastery?”or“Whichtempledoyoucurrentlyresidein?”ForKoreansitappearsthatthemostdefiningpartofapersoniswherehelives.EvenintheU.S.,whenKoreansfirstmeet,afterexchangingnamesthefirstquestiontheyaskis,“WhereinKoreaareyoufrom?”ItseemsthatformanyKoreans,one’sidentityistiedcloselytohishometownratherthantowhatheisdoing.
EverytimeIreturntoKorea,IwonderwhyKoreansaresoobsessedwiththeiralmamater,evenwhentheyareoverfiftyyearsold.Ofcourse,whenitcomestofindingajob,havinggraduatedfromaprestigiousuniversityisadvantageousinmostpartsoftheworld.Butthedegreealoneisoftennotenough.Evenifonehaslandedagoodjob,one’sskillsandexperiencearemoreimportantthanwhereonehasstudied.AgoodexampleisSteveJobs,
thecofounderofApple.JobswenttoReedCollegebutdroppedoutafteronesemester.AnyonefamiliarwithAmericanhighereducationwouldknowthatReedisanexcellentliberalartscollegeinPortland,Oregon.ButtoanaverageKorean,whohasheardonlyoftheIvyLeagueandafewlargeuniversitiesinCalifornia,Reedwouldbeconsideredsubpar.IfSteveJobshadbeenKorean,hiseducationalbackgroundwouldhavebeenahugeimpedimenttoasuccessfulcareer.Nobodywouldhavetakenhisideasseriouslyorinvestedinhiscompany;hewouldhavebeenseenasnotsmartenoughtohavegonetoanIvy.
Thisconcernsme.Ifweconsidersomeone’sidentityasrootedprimarilyinhishometownortheschoolhegraduatedfrom,weenduplookingonlyathispastandnotpayingattentiontohiscurrentskillsorfuturevision.Onlythosebornintogoodfamilieswiththerighteducationalbackgroundandconnectionsaregivenachancetosucceed,whilethosefromless-than-idealbackgroundswhoarebrimmingwithpotentialaredeniedopportunities.
WheneveryoungboysapproachmetoaskifIknowkungfu,itbecomesanoccasionformetoreflectonmylife.AmIbehavinglikeaspiritualteacher?OrhaveIbecomecomplacentinmyidentityandignoredtheworkIamcalledtodo?Moreover,whenImeetsomeonenew,doImakeanefforttoseewhoheisbeneathhissocialmarkers?OramIreducingpeopletotheirbackgroundandfailingtoseewhotheyreallyare?Iamremindedagainthatanyone,includingthoseyoungboys,canbeourspiritualteacherifwearewillingtoopenourheartstothem.
Lifeislikeasliceofpizza.
Itlooksdeliciousinanadvertisement,
butwhenweactuallyhaveit,itisnotasgoodasweimagined.
Ifyouenvysomeone’slife,
rememberthepizzainthead.
Italwayslooksbetterthanitis.
Haveyoueverselectedacheaperdishfromamenuthantheoneyoureallywanted,
onlytoregretyourchoicewhenitarrived?
Alwaysgowithyourfirstchoiceifyoucanaffordit.
Itisbetterthanalifefilledwithregrets.
Therearemanymoreordinaryhoursinlifethanextraordinaryones.
Wewaitinlineatthesupermarket.
Wespendhourscommutingtowork.
Wewaterourplantsandfeedourpets.
Happinessmeansfindingamomentofjoyinthoseordinaryhours.
Whenyouconcentrate,evenaphonebookcanbeinteresting.
Ifyouarebored,maybeyouarenotconcentrating.
Whereveryougo,cultivateasenseofownership.
Ifyouseelitterinachurch,library,orpark,pickitup.
Asyoutakeownership,yourlifewillhavemorepurpose,
andpeoplewillnoticeyourgoodexample.
ItmakessensethatScandinaviashouldbefamousforfurnituredesign,
sincepeopleinacoldclimatespendmoretimeinsidetheirhomes.
Similarly,Italyisrenownedfordesignerapparel;
itmakessensethatpeopleinawarmclimate
shouldpaymoreattentiontohowtheyappearoutdoors.
Whereyouliveshapesyou.
Doyouliveinaplaceconducivetothepursuitofyourdreams?
Wedon’tthinktwiceaboutspendingnineortendollarsonaglassofwine.
Andyetwehesitatewhenitcomestobuyingabook,
whichisthepriceofonlyoneortwoglassesofwine.
Apparentlymostpeopleareunabletotellthedifference
betweena$15bottleofwineanda$50bottle.
Theextra$35isthepriceofourvanity.
Whenpurchasingsomethingyouwillhaveforalongtime,likeahouseorapiano,
choosethebestwithinyourmeans,notsomethingthatwilldofornow.
Youmightthinkitisgoodenough,butafterawhileyouwillregretit.
Agoodcustomerdoesnotsay,“Pleasedowhateveryouthinkisbest.”
Sheknowsexactlywhatshewantsandcommunicatesitclearly.
Ifacustomerdoesnotcommunicatewhatshewants,shemaystillhavepreferences,
whichmightbeexpressedasacomplaintoncetheworkiscompleted.
Whenthereisaproblem,
takeitupwiththepersonwhoisresponsible.
Ifyouaddressitinaroundaboutway,throughotherpeople,
outoffearofupsettingthepersonandyourrelationship,
thentheproblembecomesmorecomplicated.
Gostraighttothesourceanddealwiththepersondirectly,
evenifthismakesyouuncomfortable.
Themoreyouknow,
themoreyouthinkyoudon’t.
Themoreyoudon’tknow,
themoreyouthinkyoudo.
Anysocialphenomenonisdifficulttogeneralize.
Itscausesareembeddedinacomplexwebofhistory,culture,politics,andeconomics.
Ifsomeoneexplainsasocialphenomenoninsimpleterms,
heiseitheranexpertorafool.
Thebiggestobstacletolearning
ispretendingtoknowevenwhenyoudon’t.
Itisbettertoadmityoudon’tknowsomething;
ifyoupretend,youhavetoactasifyouknewallalong.
Itiseasiertolearnwhenyousetasideyourprideandarehonest.
Thecompassionategazeofthewoundedsoulis
morebeautifulthanthenaivesmileoftheinexperiencedyouth.
Thedeterminationtoconvincesomeonemightstemfrombeing
notcompletelyconvincedyourself.
IdonotgoaroundtryingtoconvincepeoplethatIamaman.
Wearconfidence.
Itistheheightoffashion.
Whenweholdtoofirmlytoourbeliefs,
weriskbeingblindtoreality
andseeingonlywhatconformstoourbeliefs.
Thepersonwhosays,
“Thatpersonissopolitical,”
isusuallyjustaspolitical,ifnotmore.
Admirationdoesnotcomeeasily.
Ratherthansettingagoalofbecomingrichandpowerful,
aimhigher:becomingadmiredinyourfield.
Oneofthegreatestblessingsinlifeismeetingsomeonewetrulyadmire.
Thatpersonbecomesabeaconofhope,shieldingusfromcynicism.
Sometimeslifethrowsusacurveball
fornoreasonthatwecanfathom.
Butdonotdespair.
Wearenotalone.Wecanpersevere.
This,too,shallpass,liketheheatofsummer.
Asyouenteryourforties,youstarttothink:
“Isthiswhatlifeisallabout?Isthisallthereis?”
Thatsadandhollowfeeling—I,too,knowit.
Love,
notrighteouswords,
canchangepeople’slives.
ThreeLiberatingInsights
OnespringdayasIturnedthirty,Ilookedintomymindandrealizedthreethings.ThemomentIrealizedthem,IknewwhatIhadtodotobehappy.
First,peoplearenotasinterestedinmeasIhadalwaysbelieved.IcannotrememberwhatmyfriendwaswearingwhenIsawheraweekago.Orhowhermakeupwasorwhatherhairwaslike.IfIcannotremember,thenwhywouldsheremembersimilarthingsaboutme?Althoughwedothinkaboutothersfromtimetotime,itisrarelyformorethanafewminutes.Whenwearedonethinkingaboutotherpeople,ourmindsreverttowhatimmediatelyconcernsus.Whyshouldwespendsomanyhoursofourlivesworryingabouthowweappeartoothers?
Second,noteveryonehastolikeme.Afterall,Idonotlikeeveryone.Certainlyforallofus,therearepoliticians,coworkers,clients,andfamilymemberswesimplycannotstand.Sothenwhyshouldeveryonelikeme?Thereisnoneedtotormentyourselfbecausesomeonedislikesyou.Acceptitasafactoflife;youcannotcontrolhowothersfeelaboutyou.Ifsomeonedoesnotlikeyou,letherhaveheropinion.Justmoveon.
Third,ifwearebrutallyhonestwithourselves,mostthingswedoforothersareinfactforourselves.Weprayforthewell-beingofourfamilybecauseweneedthemtobearound.Weshedtearswhenourpartnerdiesbecauseoftheimpendingloneliness.Wesacrificeforourchildreninthehopethattheywillgrowupthewaywewant.UnlesswebecomeenlightenedliketheBuddhaorJesus,itisdifficulttoabandonourdeep-rootedpreoccupationwithourselves.
Stopworryingaboutwhatothersthinkandjustdowhatyourheartwishes.Donotcrowdyourmindwith“whatifs.”Uncomplicateyourlifeandownuptoyourdesires.Onlywhenyouarehappycanyouhelptomaketheworldahappierplace.
Donotletpeople’sopinionsofyoudeterminewhoyouare.
Insteadofworryingaboutwhatothersthink,
devoteyourselftoyourdreams.
Whensomeonedoesnotlikeus,
itisnotourproblembuttheirs.
Noteveryonewilllikeus.
Thisisaproblemonlyifweletitbotherus.
Bycomplainingthatsomethingwehavetodoistoohard,
weaddanotherlayerofdifficulty.
Takeadeepbreath,andthenjustdoit.
Writedownonasheetofpaper
thenamesoftheplacesyouwanttotraveltobeforeyoudie,
thepeopleyouhopetomeet,
theconcertsyouknowyouwillenjoy,
thesportsgamesyouaredyingtosee,
therestaurantsyouhavetotry.
Thenexperienceeverythingonthelist,itembyitem.
Nobodyneedstoknowaboutthelist.
Allowyourselfalittlesecretofyourown.
Itwillfeelgoodtodosomethingjustforyourself.
Lifeislikejazz.
Muchofitisimprovised;wecannotcontrolallthevariables.
Wemustliveitwithpanacheandflair,
regardlessofwhatitthrowsatus.
Wecanloveourfamilyandprayfortheirhappiness.
Wecangiveadviceandhelpwhenneeded.
Butwecanneithermakedecisionsforthem
normakethemactthewaywewantthemto.
Therearemanythingswecannotcontrolinlife.
Thatincludesthoseclosesttous.
Ifyoulearntoplayonesportwell,itbecomeseasiertolearntoplayanother.
Ifyoubecomefluentinoneforeignlanguage,youcanmoreeasilylearnanother.
Ifyoufigureouthowtorunasmallbusiness,it’llbeeasiertorunasecondorthirdone.
Donotbeenviousofthosewhoaregoodatmanythings.
Firstlearntobegoodatone.Youwillsoonbeabletodotwoorthree.
Amajestictreeisthefirsttobecutdownandusedforlumber,
whereasamodestoneliveson.
Likewise,arealmasterconcealshisvirtueandneverboastsofhisexcellence.
Dreambigbutstartsmall.
Asmalladjustmentcanhaveabigeffectonyourlife.
Forexample,ifyouwanttobehealthier,
thenstartbygoingtobedahalfhourearlier.
Ifyouwanttoloseweight,
thenstartbydrinkingwaterinsteadofsoda.
Ifyouhaveanimportantprojecttocomplete,
thenstartbygettingyourdeskorganized.
“Keepyourthoughtspositive,becauseyourthoughtsbecomeyourwords.
Keepyourwordspositive,becauseyourwordsbecomeyourbehavior.
Keepyourbehaviorpositive,becauseyourbehaviorbecomesyourhabits.
Keepyourhabitspositive,becauseyourhabitsbecomeyourvalues.
Keepyourvaluespositive,becauseyourvaluesbecomeyourdestiny.”
—MAHATMAGANDHI*
Yourmindcannotholdtwothoughtsatonce.
Thismeansthatasinglethoughtcanoccupyyourentiremind.
Whethergoodorbad,everythingstemsfromasinglethought.
Ifwearecarefulwiththatfirstthought,eventragediescanbeprevented.
Weprefertherightwordstothewrongwords.
Wepreferhonestwordstotherightwords.
Wepreferrealactstohonestwords.
Howyouspeakisoftenmoreimportantthanwhatyousay.
Andactionsspeaklouderthanwords.
Knowledgewantstotalk.
Wisdomwantstolisten.
Afoolishpersonthinks,“Ialreadyknowthat.”
Hekeepsanythingnewfromcomingintohismind.
Awisepersonthinks,“Idon’tknowthewholestory.”
Sheopensherselfuptoevengreaterwisdom.
Anordinarypersonmainlynoticesparticularthingshelikesordislikes.
Awisepersonnoticesboththewholeandtheparticulars.
Whenyoushareyourproblemswithyourfriends,
youdonotexpectthemtohavethesolutions.
Youarejustgratefultheyarethereforyouandwillingtolisten.
Ifsomeoneshareshisproblemswithyou,
don’tfeeltheneedtohavethesolutions.
Justlistensincerely.Thisisoftenmorehelpful.
WhenIlookdeeplywithinmyself,
IrealizewhatitisthatIreallywantfromothers:
attentiveearsthatlistentowhatIamsaying,
kindwordsthatacknowledgemyexistenceandworth,
gentleeyesthatacceptmyflawsandinsecurities.
Iresolvetobethatpersonforthosearoundme.
Abaddriverbrakesoften.
Abadconversationalistalsobrakesoften—
interruptingtheflowwithhisownstories.
Youcanfoolsomeoneforamoment,
butitishardtofoolsomeoneforlong.
Timewilltellifsomeonehasspokenfromtheheart
ormadethingsuptogetwhathewanted.
Evenifhegotwhathewantedwithamomentarylie,
thefactthatheliedwillstaywithhimuntilthedayhedies.
Whenthereisnoenvyorexpectation,
eventhewealthiestandmostpowerfulpersonisjustanotherhumanbeing.
Onlywhenweareenviousofwhathehas,orexpectsomethingfromhim,
dowebecomediscontentedandloseourcomposure.
Swindlerslovetosweet-talkaboutfuturegains,
insistingthatthingswillworkoutifwelistentothem.
Whenourgreedisawakened,wearecheated.
Aclevernegotiatorleadstheotherpartytothinkthey’vewon
whilegettingeverythinghewants.
Iftheotherpartyfeelsflatteredandsuperior
andletstheclevernegotiatorhavehisway,
thenitisreallythenegotiatorwhohaswon.
Acruelirony:
Therewardforsomeonewhoworkshardismorework.
Ifwe’requicktograntafavor,thenpeoplequicklyforgettheirgratitude.
Ifwegrantafavorwithseveralconditions,thenpeopleexpressimmensegratitude.
C H A P T E R S E V E N
TheFuture
OneWordofEncouragementCanChangetheFuture
UNLIKEINCHRISTIANITY,therearemanythousandsofscripturesintheBuddhisttradition.Somearehighlyphilosophical;othersaremainlystoriesthatcontainimportantlifelessons.MyfavoriteistheLotusSutra,whichhasbothphilosophicalteachingsanddidacticnarratives.Likewithanysacredtext,themoreIstudyit,themoreIamawedbyitsdepth.
AsIwasreadingtheLotusSutraagainrecently,onechapterinparticular,“ProphesyofEnlightenmentforFiveHundredDisciples,”caughtmyattention.ItdescribestheBuddhagivingaprophesyofcompleteenlightenmenttohisfivehundreddisciples,tellingthemthattheywillallbecomeBuddhasafteracertainperiodoftime.AprophesyofenlightenmentistheBuddha’sguaranteeaswellashispredictionofwhenandatwhatpointhisdiscipleswillreachthefinalstageofbuddhahood.HearingtheBuddha’sencouragingwordsabouttheirfuture,thefivehundreddisciplesareelatedandmakeavowtoengagecontinuouslyinspiritualpractice.WheneverIcomeacrossthisstoryoftheBuddha’sprophesy,itremindsmeofmyelementaryschoolteacherMs.Lee,whopredictedgreatthingsaboutmyfuture.
Byallmeasures,Iwasjustanaveragekid.Iwasofaverageheightandcamefromamiddle-classfamily.Iwasnotthebrighteststudent,butneitherwasIatroublemaker.IrememberMs.Leeasastrictwomaninhermid-thirties.Shehadonesonwhoattendedthesameschool;Iknewhimquitewellbecausewehadbeeninthesameclassthepreviousyear.Oneday,asIwaswalkingacrosstheyardafterschool,Ms.Lee’ssoncameuptomeandinvitedmeovertoplayathishouse—hesaidhisparentshadboughthimsomenewtoys.IwasverymuchtemptedbutwasafraidImightrunintoMs.Lee.Understandingmyhesitation,myfriendassuredmethathismomrarelycamehomebeforefouro’clock.IagreedtoplaywithhimonlyifIcouldleavebeforefouro’clock.
Wehadalotoffunplayingwithhisnewtoys.Ibecameabsorbedinplayingandcompletelyforgotaboutthetimewhenthefrontdoorswungopenandmyteacherwalkedin.Itensedup,worriedthatIwouldbechastisedfor
playinginsteadofdoingmyhomework.Tomysurprise,Ms.Leegreetedmewithabigsmile.ShespoketomewarmlyandgavemeahugasthoughIwereherson.Inherembrace,Irealizedshewasactuallyakindandlovingperson,butshehadnochoicebuttoappearstrictatschoolbecauseshehadtomaintaincontrolovertheclass.Shegavemeasnackthatshegavemyfriendonlyonspecialoccasions.AsIateit,shestrokedmyheadgentlyandsaid,“You’regoingtobeagoodstudentandarolemodelforyourfriends.Itrustthatyouwillbecomeagreatpersonwhobringswisdomandhappinesstoalotofpeople.”
Myyoungheartwasmovedbeyondwords.Afterthatday,Istudiedveryhardandtriedtobearolemodelfortheotherstudents.SinceMs.Leehadputhertrustinme,Iwasdeterminednottodisappointher.IthinkIhavebecomewhoIamtodaythankstowhatshesaidtomethatafternoon.Withoutherkindwords,Iwouldnothavehadtheconfidencetoexcelacademicallyortobecomeaprofessororspiritualteacher.
AccordingtotheLotusSutra,theBuddhamakestheprophesyabouthisdisciplesbecausehehasasupernaturalabilitytoforeseewhentheywouldachievethefinalstageofbuddhahood.ButIdonotthinktheyautomaticallyattainedenlightenmentbecausetheyreceivedtheBuddha’sprophesy;IthinkithadalottodowiththeBuddha’sfaithinthem,whichmotivatedthemtoworkhardertoaccomplishwhattheirteacherpredicted.LikeMs.Lee’swordstome,theBuddha’strustingwordsandhislovinggazetransformedthelivesofhisfivehundreddisciples.Onewordofencouragement,saidwithkindnessandhope,canchangeaperson’sfuture,thewayitdidforthefivehundreddisciplesandforme.
Somesaytheydon’treallyknowwhattheyarelookingforinlife.
Thismightbebecause,insteadofgettingintouchwithhowtheyfeel,
theyhaveledtheirlivesaccordingtootherpeople’sexpectations.
Liveyourlifenottosatisfyothers,buttofulfillwhatyourheartdesires.
Mydearyoungfriend,
pleasedon’tfeeldiscouraged
justbecauseyouareslightlybehind.
Lifeisn’tahundred-meterraceagainstyourfriends,
butalifelongmarathonagainstyourself.
Ratherthanfocusingongettingaheadofyourfriends,
firsttrytodiscoveryouruniquecolor.
“HaeminSunim,IhopeyoubecomeagreatteacherliketheDalaiLama.”
“Thankyouforyourkindness.IdeeplyadmireHisHoliness.
ButIdon’twanttobecometheDalaiLama.
IwouldliketobecomeHaeminSunim.”
Don’tflithereandtherelikeaschooloffish
justbecausethatiswhatyourfriendsdo
orbecauseotherssayitiswhatyoushoulddo.
Standbyyourconvictions.
Upendtheexistingparadigm
andbecomeatrendsetter.
TherearethingsIwouldhavelikedtoteachmychildifI’dhadone:
Nomatterhowfamous,powerful,orrichsomepeopleare,
theyarenotverydifferentfromanyoneelse.
Welongfordeepconnectionandunconditionalacceptance.
Wehavethesameinsecuritiesandneedforapproval.
Thereisnoreasontofeelinferior.
Ifyouareraisingachild,thenrememberthis:
Itisokayforyourchildtodowellinonearea
andnotsowellinothers.
Arestaurantspecializinginafewgooddishes
ismorelikelytodevelopagoodreputation
thanonewithalengthymenu.
Helpyourchildgodeepinherareaofinterest.
IntelligenceisnotjustaboutgettingstraightA’sandhighSATscores.
Itisalsoaboutbeingabletoempathizeandbeattunedtohowotherpeoplefeel.
Areyouacontrollingparent?
Areyoudevotingtoomuchattentiontoyourchild?
Iftheanswerisyes,
thenturnsomeofthatattentiontowardyourparents.
Ifyouaregoodtoyourownparents,
thenyourchildwilllearnhowtotreatyouinthefuture.
Fromayoungage,
somechildrenaretoldtocompete,
worriedaboutwhattheirparentswillsay,
insecureabouthowtheirfriendswilljudgethem.
Letthemknowitisokaytoenjoylife.
Helpthemdiscovertalentsthatcannotbegraded.
Respectthemsotheyknowwhatitfeelsliketoberespected.
Whydoesn’thighschoolteachessentiallifeskills?
Like:
Howtocook,
howtogooutonadate,
howtowatchyourweight,
howtobefinanciallyresponsible,
howtopickyourselfupafterasetback,
howtobemindfulofyourthoughtsandemotions.
Insteadofbuildinguparésuméonlytolandajob,
enjoytheprocessoflearningsomethingnew.
Don’tdoitjustfortheend.
Delightinthemeans,too.
Evenifyouhaveothermotivesforvolunteering,
intheprocessofhelpingoutandconnectingwithpeople
youmaydiscoverthemeaningoflifeandofhappiness.
Thisiswhyitisimportanttovolunteer
regardlessofwhatcompelsyoutodosointhefirstplace.
Whenitcomestolearninganewskill,therearetwokindsofpeople.
Onekindpreferstofirststudythetypewriter,
whiletheotherstartsbypoundingonthekeys.
Onekindlikestofirstmasterthegrammarofaforeignlanguage,
whiletheotherlearnsinthetrenches,usingbodylanguageiftheymust.
Generallyspeaking,thesecondtypetendstolearnfasterthanthefirst,
becausethelatterisnotafraidofmakingmistakes.
Thereisnosuchthingasbeingcompletelyprepared.
Lifeisanadventure,throughwhichwelearnandmature.
Ofcourse,wemustconsiderallouroptionscarefully.
Butifwewaitfor100percentcertainty,thenitisoftentoolate.
Whenyouareabouttomakeanimportantdecision,
thereisalwaysamomentofhesitationrightbeforeyousignonthedottedline.
Don’tpullback.Youhavecomeallthiswayafterhavinggivenitseriousthought.
Don’tlookback.Continueonyourpathcourageously,likeaone-hornedrhinoceros.
Sometimesyouhavetopushthroughwithyourconvictions.
Youcannotpleaseeveryone.
Donotholdbackjustbecause
youareafraidsomeonemightcriticizeyou.
Youwillprobablyearnyourselfafewenemies,
butmanyotherswillrespectyouforstandingupforwhatyoubelieve.
Donotturndowntoomanyopportunities.
Ifyouinsistyouneedmorepreparation,
youmaynotbeinvitedagainwhenyoufinallyfeelready.
Youareready.
Youcantakeupthechallenge.
Whenyouwakeupinthemorning,saytoyourself:
“Iwon’tspendtodaypassively,
justdoingwhatotherstellmetodo.
Iwilltaketheleadandforgemyowndestiny!”
Establishagoalfortheweek.
Thereisabigdifferencebetweenhavingagoalandnothavingone.
Asignificantaccomplishmentcanbetracedbacktoasinglethought.
Evenifyouhavejustamodestdream,
don’tkeepittoyourself.Talktoothersaboutit.
Bythetimeyoutelltenpeople,itismorelikelytocometrue.
Trythesetwothingsatthesametime:
Pretendyouarealreadyachampion
andworkdiligentlyatbecomingone.
Thegapbetweenbeliefandrealitywillsoonclose.
WhenYouLookforYourCalling
Itisnoteasytofindone’scallinginlife.Althoughsomeknowwhattheywanttodofromanearlyage,formost,ittakesmanyyearstofindtheirpath.WheneverIamaskedaboutfindingone’scalling,Iofferthefollowingadvice.
First,oneofthereasonsitisdifficulttofindyourcallingisthatyousimplydonotknowwhatkindofjobsareoutthereintheworld.Wherecanyoudiscoveroptionsotherthanthejobsyoualreadyknowofthroughyourfamilyandfriends?
Theeasiestwaytoexposeyourselftoanarrayofindirectexperiencesisbyreading.Haveyoureaduponscience,travel,fashion,art,orpolitics?Howabouteducation,psychology,finance,health,food,music,orsports?Readwidelyasyouexploredifferentprofessions.Youcanalsoreadabiographyofsomeoneyouadmireandhopetoemulate.Booksbroadenyourhorizonsandintroduceyoutonewpossibilities.
Second,itishardtofindone’scallingbecausemanymistakenlybelievetheyneedtolookonlywithintodiscovertheirpassion.Althoughitistruethatwehaveinnateinterestsandtalents,weoftendonotknowwhattheyareuntilwehavereal-lifeexperiences.Havingawiderangeofexperiencescanhelpyouuncoveryourinnerpassion.
Tryvariouspart-timejobsandinternships,orvolunteer.
Don’tbeafraidofrollingupyoursleevesanddivingin.
Whileimmersedinajob’sreality,youwilldiscoverwhetherit’sagoodfit.
Workexperiencesmayunlockthedoortoacareeropportunityyouhadn’tconsidered.
Third,itisdifficulttofindyourcallingwithoutsufficientself-awareness.Doyouknowwhatkindofworkenvironmentyouthrivein?Doyoudrawyourenergyfrominteractingwithpeople?Doyouperformwellunderpressure?Whatareyourstrengthsandweaknesses?
Youcanincreaseyourself-awarenessbyinteractingwithawiderangeofpeopleinawidevarietyofsituations.Youwilldevelopadeeperunderstandingofyourselfasyoucultivaterelationships,whichbecomeamirrorreflectingyourstrengthsandweaknessesinvariouscircumstances.Donotbeafraidofmeetingnewpeople.Gettoknowthosewhoareworkinginafieldyouareinterestedin.Gooutondates;theyareanothergoodwaytolearnaboutyourself.Discoverwhattypesofpeoplearecompatiblewithyourpersonality.Fromtheseexperiences,youwillgaininsightintowhatkindsofpeopleyouliketosurroundyourselfwith.
Lastly,donotselectyourcareerbasedonwhatotherswillthinkofyourchoice.Thetruthisthatotherpeopledonotreallythinkaboutyouthatmuch.Ifyouthinkyouwillenjoysomething,thendonotoverthinkit.Justdoit.Evenifitdoesnotturnoutthewayyouimaginedit,youwillstillappreciateitforwhatithastaughtyou.
Iwishyouthebestofluck!
Measureyourself-worth
notwiththebalanceofyourbankaccount
butwiththefrequencyofyourgenerosity.
Thecollegeyougraduatedfromisnotthatimportant.
Thelifeyouhavechosentoliveaftercollegeis.
“Whenhiring,Ilikepeoplewhoareconfidentbutwhocanadmitwhentheyarewrong.
Forthatkindofperson,Idon’thavetolookatanyothercredentials,
becausetheyaresureofthemselvesbutwon’tlettheiregogetintheway.”
—AHNCHEOL-SOO,SOUTHKOREANSOFTWAREENTREPRENEUR
Whenyoulookforajob,
trytofindouthowlongacompany’semployeesstayatthecompany.
Thisismoreimportantthanthesizeofthecompanyorthesalaryoffered.
Ifpeoplekeepleaving,thenthatsaysalot.
Areyounervousoreventerrifiedaboutyournewjob?
Isitbecauseyouareafraidofdisappointingyournewboss?
Justdothebestyoucanwithoutbeingself-consciousaboutyourwork.
Evenifyourworkislessthansuperb,ifyouaresincereanddedicated,
thenyourbossandcolleagueswillappreciateyou.
Ifyouhappentovisitaworkplacethatappearsmuchbetterthanyours,
insteadoffeelingenvious,examinetheplacemorecarefully.
Youmayfindadownsidethatchangesyourfirstimpression.
Themomentyourealizethat,youwillfeelgratefulforyourcurrentjob.
Beingagoodbossrequiresmuchmorethan
justhavingalotoftechnicalknowledge.
Itisimportanttohaveintegrityandapositiverelationshipwiththestaff,
togivetimelyfeedbackandprofessionalmentoring,and
toadvocateforwhattheteamneeds.
Abossshouldnotbeoverlyconcernedwithhowsheisperceived.
Thisissecondary.
Rather,sheshouldfocusonhowherworkaffectsthestaffandclients.
Awiseleaderdoesn’tassembleateamofonlythosewhoagreewithhim.
Heneedssomeonewhodisagreeswithhim,toallowhimtoseehisblindspots.
Anineptleaderattemptstomicromanageeverything.
Hisstaffwillwindupdoingonlywhattheyaretold.
Askillfulleaderknowshowtodelegatetosubordinates
andtowaitforthemtotakeresponsibilityandseethejobtoasuccessfulconclusion.
Dedicationtoone’sjobshouldnotbemeasured
byhowlateoneworks
orhowoftenoneforgoesavacation
butbyhoweffectivelyoneworksand
whatkindofcontributiononemakestothebusiness.
Peopleoftenhaveunrealisticexpectations
ofthesuccessoftheirfirstbook,album,orshow.
Justasthereisnoeffectwithoutacause,
successdoesn’tcomeaboutbyluckalone,
withoutyearsofpreparationandhardwork.
Itisnotalwaysagoodthingtogetwhatyouwant.
Ifeverythinghappensthewayyouwant,
itiseasytobecomelazyandarrogant.
Youmayalsolosetheabilitytoempathizewithpeoplehavingdifficulties.
Perhapsanyhardshipyoumayexperienceisanimportantlifelesson.
Ajockeydoesnotwhipastandinghorse.
Ajockeywhipsonlyarunninghorse.
Whenyourteacherreprimandsyou,
learntoacceptitgracefully.
Sheisdoingitbecauseshecares.
Shebelievesyoucandobetter.
Yourfreedomismoreimportantthanmoney.
Itisbettertolivethekindoflifeyouwant
thantoearnmoreandbeconstrained.
Don’tsellyourfreedom.
Ifsomeoneurgesyoutofollowhispathforsuccess
butitisnotwhatyourheartdesires,
thenlistentoyourheart
beforeitistoolate.
Thevaguestandleasteffectivestatement:
“Iwillhavewhatever.”
Somepeoplewouldliketohavealltheirdecisionsmadeforthem—
hencetheopportunityforcharismaticcultleaders
totakeadvantageofthem.
Nevercedethepowertomakedecisionsaboutyourlife.
TheBuddhaandJesusexistbecauseyouexist.
Youaretheownerofyourlife.
Valueyourselffirst.
Ibecameamonasticpractitioner
becauseIwantedtoknowthetruemeaningoflife.
BecauseIwantedtoawakentomytruenature.
BecauseIdidn’twanttosubjectmyself
tothemeasuresofsuccessaccordingtoothers.
BecauseIdidn’twanttomeetmydeath
afteralifetimeofstruggleformoneyandpower.
Thereisonlyonewaytobungeejump:Justleap!
Themoreyouthink,theharderitbecomes.
Overthinkingproducesonlyanxietyanddoubt.
Stopshouting,“Whatif?”andjusttakealeapoffaith.
Withoutbeingcompromisedbytheneedtogetinsomeone’sgoodgraces,
youcanstandtall,nomatterwhomyoudealwith.
Ifyouhaveledanhonorableandhonestlife,
thereisnoneedtobeafraidofspeakingthetruth.
ThegreatKoreanZenmasterKyeongbong(1892–1982)oncesaid:
“ThosewhohavenotrealizedtheirTrueSelfliveliketheblind,
unintentionallyscratchingsomeoneelse’sleg.
Ifyouwouldliketoscratchyourownleg,
firstawakentoyourTrueSelf.”
C H A P T E R E I G H T
Spirituality
Long-LostCousins
Donotjudgesothatyouwillnotbejudged.
Forinthewayyoujudge,youwillbejudged;andbyyourstandofmeasure,itwillbemeasuredtoyou.
—MATTHEW7:1–2
WHENEVERIREADtheabovebiblicalpassage,IamremindedofasimilarphilosophyintheBuddhisttraditioncalledthelawofkarma.Asmanypeopleknow,itisthelawofcauseandeffectoftendescribedsuccinctlyintheWestas,“Youreapwhatyousow,”or“Whatgoesaroundcomesaround.”Itisawonderfuladmonitionthatcompelsustoexaminetheconsequencesofourthought,speech,andbehavior.AlthoughIamaBuddhist,IhavebeendeeplyinfluencedbymanypassagesintheBible.ThefirsttimeIpickeduptheBibleforseriousstudywasincollege,formycomparativereligionclass.IlearnedaboutthehistoryofChristianityandanalyzedvariousbiblicallessons,andsoonIbegantoopenmyhearttoit.IrealizedthatTruthisnottheexclusivepropertyofanyonereligion.Ithasauniversalqualitythatallowspeopleofdifferentreligioustraditionstorecognizeandrespectit.
AbouttwoyearsagoIhadtheuniqueopportunitytovisitaruralFrenchvillagecalledTaizé,ineasternBurgundy,alongwitheldermonksfrommyBuddhistorder.ItisanecumenicalChristianmonasticcommunity,wheremonasticbrothersliveaccordingtotheBible.TaizéisfamousasaChristianpilgrimagesite,eachyearattractingmorethanahundredthousandyoungadultsfromallovertheworld.Thepilgrimsusuallyspendseveraldaysinthecommunitywhileparticipatinginmorning,midday,andeveningprayersaswellasquietreflectionandsmallgroupdiscussions.IwasalreadyfamiliarwiththeTaizécommunity’ssoul-stirringchantsandwaslookingforwardtoattendingtheirwonderfulprayerservice.
WhenwearrivedatbeautifulTaizé,thebrotherscameoutandgreeteduswarmly.Cladinwhiterobes,theyhadgentlesmilesandapeacefulpresence,almostasiftheywereangelsincarnated.Ourlightgraymonasticrobeslookedquitesimilartotheirwhiteones,anditwasasifwehadbecomeonelargefamily.Thebrothersgaveusatourofthecommunityand,toofficiallywelcomeus,chanted“ConfiteminiDomino”—oneofthemostbeautifulsongsI’veheardinmylife.Wewereinvitedtotheirlivingquartersandhada
nicechatfollowedbymiddayprayersintheChurchofReconciliation.ThemoretimewespentinTaizé,themoreIcouldseethesimilaritiestoBuddhistmonasticliving.ThebrothersspenthoursinsilentprayerasawaytoturntheirattentiontoGodwithin,notunlikeoursilentmeditationpractice.AnothersimilaritywasthatthebrothersworearingtosignifytheirvowstoGod;monksfrommyorder“wear”asmallincenseburnonourleftarmwhenwereceiveourfullprecepts.
Somemaythinkthatlifeinsuchacommunityisrepressed,strict,anddifficult,butthatisnotthecase.Amonasticlifeischaracterizedbysimplebeautyandunexpectedjoy.Monksfindhappinessinthingsthatmayseemtrivialtothosewhopursuethematerialtrappingsofsuccess.Watchingtheseasonschange—theblossomingofthemagnolias,thedazzlingfallfoliage,thefirstsnowfall—bringsindescribablejoyandgratitude.Asimplemealmadewithfreshingredientsfromthenearbymountainsisasourceofgreatcontentment.Becauseourmonasticbrothersareourfriends,teachers,andfamily,weareneverlonely.
Atlunchwewerepresented,toourcompletesurprise,withkimchi.Weweretoldthatthebrothershadgatheredafewdaysbeforeourarrivaltomakeitthemselves.Weweresomovedbytheirhospitalityanddidnotknowhowtoreciprocate.Althoughwewerefromadifferentreligionandcountry,theywelcomeduswithconsiderationandlove.WhenweleftTaizé,wefeltasthoughwe’djustvisitedourlong-lostcousins.IknewIwouldcherishthisbondfortherestofmylife.Evennow,whenIseeoneoftheeldermonkswhovisitedTaizéwithme,wefondlyrecalleatingthebrothers’kimchiwithbaguettes.
“Howshouldweconsideradifferentspiritualpath?
Weshallapproachitwithhumility
aswellasawillingnesstolearnaboutanothertradition.
Ifourfaithcanbeshaken
frommerelylearningaboutadifferenttradition,
thenthatfaithisnotworthkeeping.”
—REVERENDDR.KANGWONYONG(1917–2006)
Justasmyfaithispreciousandsignificanttome,
wouldn’titbethesameforpeopleofotherfaiths?
Justasmymotherisdearandimportanttome,
wouldn’tthisbethecaseformyneighborandhismother?
Maypeopleknowhowtodifferentiatebetween
thecertaintyofone’sfaithandthefollyofattackingotherfaiths.
Mayfaithneverbecomeanideologicalweapontojustifyviolence.
IfJesus,Buddha,andConfuciuswereallaliveandgatheredinthesameplace,
wouldtheyargueoverwhoisright?
Orwouldtheyrespectandadmireoneanother’steachings?
Religiousconflictcanoftenbeblamed
notonthefoundersofreligions
butontheirfanaticalfollowers.
“Thepurposeofreligionistocontrolyourself,nottocriticizeothers.
HowmuchamIdoingaboutmyanger,attachment,hatred,pride,andjealousy?
Thesearethethingswemustcheckinourdailylives.”
—HISHOLINESS,THEDALAILAMA
Iftheessenceisforgotten,ritualtakesover.
Whenritualdominatesspiritualpractice,
ouroutwardappearancesbecomemoreimportantthanourinnerexperience.
Forinstance,ifyoumeditateinthehopeofenlightenment,
howlongandwithwhomyoumeditateisnotasimportantas
howyourpracticehaschangedyourheartandyourrelationships.
AccordingtoProfessorKang-NamOh,
thefaithfulcanbedividedroughlyintotwogroups:
peopleof“surfacefaith”andpeopleof“in-depthfaith.”
Thesurfacefaithfulareboundbyspiritualsymbols;
theyoftendisputethespiritualsymbolsofotherfaiths.
Thein-depthfaithfulunderstandmeaningsdeeperthanthesymbols.
Theycanfindsimilarmeaningsinthesymbolismofdiversespiritualtraditions,
andharmonyamongsuchtraditions.
“Heretic”isaloadedterm.
Ithasbeenslappedonanybelieforpractice
thatdoesn’tconformtothedominantspiritualbeliefofanera.
Ifyouarecallingaspiritualpathheretical,rememberthat
yourswasonceconsideredassuchwhenitfirststarted.
“Hewhoknowsonlyonereligionknowsnone.”
—MAXMÜLLER(1823–1900),
GERMANSCHOLAROFCOMPARATIVELANGUAGE,RELIGION,ANDMYTHOLOGY
Ignoranceofotherspiritualpathscombinedwithfear
cangiverisetoreligiouspersecutionandviolence.
Majorwisdomtraditionsaroundtheworldteach
humility,love,andforbearance.
Nothingbadwillcomeoflearningaboutthem.
Youcanadmireaspiritualleaderbutneveridolizehim.
Blindfaithintheleadercaneasilyreduceyoutoactinglikeachild,
handingoveryourpowerandaskingtheleadertodothingsforyou.
Medicinecanbeprescribed,butitmustbeyouwhotakesit.
Aspiritualleaderisafingerpointingatthemoon.
Ifthefingerattemptstobecomethemoon,
thiscanleadtoagravesin.
Wemustcultivateallthreeintelligencesforouroverallhealth:
criticalintelligence,emotionalintelligence,andspiritualintelligence.
Ifonefallstothewayside,itslowsthegrowthoftheothertwo.
Ifyouhavedevelopedcriticalintelligencebutneglectedemotionalintelligence,
thenyoumaynotbesensitivetothesufferingofothers.
Ifyouhavedevelopedemotionalintelligencebutneglectedspiritualintelligence,
thenyoumaylosehopeafterseeingtheworld’ssuffering.
Ifyouhavedevelopedspiritualintelligencebutneglectedcriticalintelligence,
thenyoumayfallvictimtotheabuseofacult.
Whateverthecircumstances,donotfeelinferior.
RememberthatGodhascreatedyouinHisdivineimage.
YouarethemostpreciousdaughterorsonofGod.
YouarealsotheBuddha,evenifyouhavenotrealizedityet.
YouhavethesameBuddhanatureasallbuddhasintheuniverse.
Donotallowanyonetomakeyoufeellessthanthat.
Faithisovervaluedwhilepracticeisundervalued.
Ifweemphasizefaithoverpractice,
spiritualityremainsideology,creatingtheologicalconflicts.
Butifwefocusoncarryingouttheteachingsinouractuallives,
werealizethatthelovetaughtbyJesus
isnodifferentfromthecompassiontaughtbytheBuddha.
Ifyouwishforpeaceamongdifferentspiritualpaths,
thenpracticewhatyoupreach.
ThreeBibleversesIcherish:
“Ineverything,therefore,treatpeoplethesamewayyouwantthemtotreatyou,
forthisistheLawandtheProphets.”
—MATTHEW7:12
“NoteveryonewhosaystoMe,‘Lord,Lord,’willenterthekingdomofheaven,
buthewhodoesthewillofMyFatherwhoisinheavenwillenter.”
—MATTHEW7:21
“TrulyIsaytoyou,totheextentthatyoudidittooneofthesebrothersofMine,
eventheleastofthem,youdidittoMe.”
—MATTHEW25:40
TwoSpiritualPathsinOneFamily
Whenyourspiritualpathisdifferentfromthatofyourfiancé,whenyoursiblingstrytoconvertyoutotheirnewfaith,whenyourchilddecidestofollowadifferentpath,thiscancreatetension,awkwardness,andstress.Disagreementsandargumentscanerupt,andallofasuddenyoufindyourselfnegotiatinghowtocarryoutafuneral,wedding,religiousholiday.
Itisironicthatspiritualitycanbecomeasourceofconflictwhenitsteachingsareoftenaboutloveandreconciliation.Forthosehavingproblemswithtwospiritualpathsinonefamily,Iwouldliketoofferthisadvice.
Aboveall,pleaseunderstandthatwhatmakesyoufeeltenseandawkwardisnotthespiritualityitselfbutthepressurefromyourfamilytoconform.Youmayresenttheircoercivenessandself-righteousness.Youmayfeeltheirspiritualpathisstrangeandunorthodox.
Agoodremedytoasituationlikethisistolearnmoreabouttheotherspiritualpath.Findabookbyarespectedmemberofthatpathandstudyit.Ifyouareopen-mindedandwillingtolearn,thenyouwillsoondiscoversomeaspectsofthatpathresonatingwithyours.Althoughtheouterspiritualsymbolsaredifferent,themeaningbehindthemmaysoundoddlyfamiliartoyou.
Youcanalsoreadabiographyofagreatspiritualteacherinthattradition,suchasMahatmaGandhi,MartinLutherKingJr.,MotherTeresa,ortheDalaiLama.Asyoulearnmoreabouttheirlivesandfaiths,youwillbeabletoappreciatetheircourageandcometorespecttheirpath.Thischangeofattitudewillpositivelyinfluencethefamilydynamic.Althoughyoucannotcontrolhowyourfamilyfeelsaboutyourpath,atleastyouwillnolongerfeeluneasyabouttheirs.
Butifyourfamilycontinuestobenarrow-mindedandtoshowdisrespect,thenspeakupconfidentlyandeducatethem.Tellthemthegreatleadersoftheirpathdidnotactthatway.MartinLutherKingJr.andThichNhatHanhrespectedeachother;ThomasMertonandtheDalaiLamaweregoodfriends.
Thosewhounderstanddeepermeaningsbeyondthesurfaceandwhotrytoembodyhumilityandpeacealsorecognizethefamiliarinnerlightflickeringintheeyesofotherreligiousfollowers.
Whenthishappens,theybecomemorehumbleandopentothemysteriesofhumanincarnationwhilefeelingconnectedtothefragilityofhumanhearts.
Wedon’treceivemorelovefromGodbyaskingforit.
Rather,weawakentothetruththatGodhasalwayslovedusunconditionally.
Wedon’tturnintoabuddhabystrivingforit.
Rather,weawakentothetruththatwehavebeenbuddhasallalong.
Inthebeginning,ourprayertakestheshapeof,
“Pleasegrantmethis,pleasegrantmethat,”
andthendevelopsinto,“Thankyouforeverything,”
andthenmaturesinto,“Iwanttoresembleyou.”
Eventuallyittranscendslanguage,
andwepraywithourwholebeinginsacredsilence.
Asmyprayerdeepens,
IhearmoreofHisvoicethanmywords.
Asmyhumilitygrows,
IfeelmoreofHisloveoverflowinginmyheart.
Asmymindquietsdown,
IsensemoreofHispresenceineverymoment.
Asyourfaithandspiritualpracticedeepen,
thesenseofaseparateselforegodiminishes,
leavingmoreroomfordivinitytofillyourheart.
Ifyouhaveprayedmostlytobenefityourself,
thenshiftgearsandtryprayingtogiveupsomeofyourcontrol.
Ifyouhavebeenprayinglikethis—
“Pleasegrantmethis.Ireallyneedthistohappen”—
thentrytopraythiswayaswell—
“EnlargemyhearttoholdandacceptthethingsIcannot.”
DonotbargainwithGod,Buddha,oranydivinebeing
togiveyouwhatyouwantinexchangeformaterialofferings.
Ifyoudonotknowhowtosolveaprobleminyourlife,giveprayeratry.
Asyoubringyourattentioninwardandsincerelyseekananswer,
somethingsacredwithinyouunlocksthedoorofinnerwisdom.
Ifyouaredesperatelylookingtomeetsomeonespecial,
sendyourprayerouttotheuniverse.
Theuniverseisanamazingmatchmaker.
Monasticscanprayformanyyearsbecause
theirprayersofhappinessforothersmakethemhappy.
AsIpreparetoofficiateatmyfriend’swedding,Ibecomejoyous.
Forunenlightenedpeople,noteverydayisagoodday,
becausetheyfeelhappyonlywhenthingshappenthewaytheywantthemto.
Forenlightenedpeople,everysingledayisagoodday,
becausetheyfeelfreeknowingthatnothingcantakeawaytheirwisdom.
Whenanunenlightenedpersondoesgood,hetriestoleavehismark.
Whenanenlightenedpersondoesgood,heleavesnomarks.
Theholierapersonis,
themorelikelyitisthatshedescribesherselfasasinner.
Thisisbecauseshedoesn’tlietoherself.
“Thesaintsarewhattheyare
notbecausetheirsanctitymakesthemadmirabletoothers
butbecausethegiftofsainthoodmakesitpossibleforthemtoadmireeverybodyelse.”
—THOMASMERTON*
Clergyandteacherstendtobeverbose,
andolderclergyandteachersevenmoreso.
IhopeIdon’tbecomethatpersonwhotalksendlessly
withoutnoticinghowthepersoninfrontofmefeels.
Itisasignofgreatspiritualstrength
tokeepsomeoneelse’ssecret.
“Whenaministerpreaches,hemustpreach
notonlytothecongregationbutalsotohimself.”
—REVERENDHONGJEONG-GIL
AccordingtoCardinalNicolasCheongJin-suk,
“Thereisnorecordofthebiblicalstoryofonefishmultiplyingtotwoorthree.
Thereisalsonorecordoffishfallingfromthesky.
Whatprobablyhappenedwasthatpeopletookouttheirlunches
andsharedtheirfoodwithothersafterlisteningtoJesus’movingprayer.”
Amiracleisnotjustanotherworldlyphenomenontranscendingthelawsofnature.
Lettinggoofself-centerednessandopeningone’shearttoothers
arejustasmiraculous.
ThereisasimplewaytotesttheveracityoftheBuddha’steachings.
Findthemostcomfortableposture.
Remaininthatpostureforthirtyminutes.
Themostcomfortableposturesoonbecomesthemostuncomfortable.
Everythingisimpermanent,includingtheworld’smostcomfortableposture.
Donotforceyourselfonaspiritualpath.
Letitsteachingsgentlyopenyourheartandleadyou.
Likesaltgraduallydissolvinginwater,lettheteachingsdissolveinyourheart.
E P I L O G U E
YourOriginalFaceWhenyouaresobusythatyoufeelperpetuallychased,whenworryingthoughtscircleyourhead,whenthefutureseemsdarkanduncertain,whenyouarehurtbywhatsomeonehassaid,slowdown,evenifonlyforamoment.Bringallofyourawarenessintothepresentandtakeadeepbreath.
Whatdoyouhear?Whatdoesyourbodyfeel?Whatdoestheskylooklike?
Onlywhenweslowdowncanwefinallyseeclearlyourrelationships,ourthoughts,ourpain.Asweslowdown,wearenolongertangledinthem.Wecanstepoutandappreciatethemforwhattheyare.
Thefacesofourfamilyandcolleagueswhoalwayshelp,thescenerythatwepassbyeverydaybutfailtonotice,ourfriends’storiesthatwefailtopayattentionto—inthestillnessofthepause,theentiretyofourbeingisquietlyrevealed.
Wisdomisnotsomethingwehavetostrivetoacquire.Rather,itarisesnaturallyasweslowdownandnoticewhatisalreadythere.
Aswenoticemoreandmoreinthepresentmoment,wecometoadeeperrealizationthatasilentobserveriswithinus.Intheprimordialstillness,thesilentobserverwitnesseseverythinginsideandoutside.
Befriendthesilentobserver.Findoutwhereitis,andwhatshapeithasassumed.Donottrytoimagineitassomethingyoualreadyknow.Letallyourthoughtsandimagesmergebackintosilenceandjustsensetheobserveralreadythereinsilence.
Ifyouseethefaceofthesilentobserver,thenyouhavefoundyouroriginalface,frombeforeyouwereborn.
*GilFronsdal,translator,TheDhammapada:ANewTranslationoftheBuddhistClassicwithAnnotations(Boulder:Shambhala,2011).
*QuotefromtheDalaiLama’sJuly11,2011,tweet,https://twitter.com/DalaiLama/status/90351201736065024.
*VirginiaHilu,editorandarranger,BelovedProphet:TheLoveLettersofKahlilGibranandMaryHaskellandHerPrivateJournal(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1972).
*KahlilGibran,TheProphet(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,1967).
*Gibran,TheProphet.
*Gibran,TheProphet.
*TaroGold,OpenYourMind,OpenYourLife:ABookofEasternWisdom(KansasCity,MO:AndrewsMcMeel,2002).
*ThomasMerton,NewSeedsofContemplation(NewYork:NewDirections,2007).
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