“Living with The Times!”

VOL 5, CHAYEI SARAH Maimonides Hebrew Day School Copyright © 2015 The Torah Times RRAlbany@gmail.com ONE SHEKEL

Unfortunate-ly, people today hardly meet a real camel, un-less it’s locked in a zoo.

They see distorted ‘cool dude’ commer-cials of us wearing sunglasses & roaming around on motorcycles. That’s animal abuse! The straw that broke my back was when they made us smoke cigarettes, which the surgeon general determined to be hazardous to health, until the govern-ment finally forbade such billboards. I’ll drink to that!

I also drink to the fact that we’re still here in the good old days, when things are for real, not fantasy showbiz. Its nice being my natural self in this week’s parsha, when people and camels work nicely together for Rivka’s wedding. A hearty Mazal Tov to the bride and groom!

I’m still bubbling with excitement at be-ing a ‘mechutan’ at this Simcha. The shad-chan was the brains behind it all, but I was a moving force and did lots of the legwork. The burden of transporting the bride rest-ed fully on my shoulders.

Exhausted after zipping along at high speeds, we stopped in for drinks at a fa-vorite watering hole. As a member of the bridal search committee, I was privileged to observe the bride’s patience and perse-verance.

Here we were in a strange place, didn’t know a soul. When we first met her, we had no idea she was the bride-to-be! All the girls were out, we couldn’t tell one from the other, but our shadchan had good intuition and guidance. He took his chanc-es, went over and asked for help. Turns out, she was the one! She kept running up and down to serve us, going out of her way to welcome us! I drink to that!

S’well lady, if you ask me. Hospitable, kind and goodhearted, she had us eating out of her hand. After several drinks, we were invited to sleep over. Hay! The place was all cleaned up for a change, if you know what I mean.

Sorry, must hurry back, we now have a wedding to go to! Well, well, all’s well that ends well!

ARAM NAHARAYIM—The father of the bride collapsed at his daughter’s engagement party right after the guest speaker next to him on the dais delivered the keynote ad-dress.

“My sincere condolences to the family,” said Mr. Eli Ezer, friend of the groom who specially came in from Israel for the engagement. “Very sad, but Thank G-d, we’re alive to tell the story.”

The cause of death was a fatal strain of sam mavesitis, a rare injected food poisoning. The deceased is survived by his wife, son Laban, and daughter, Rebecca, just engaged, who plans to move to Israel.

A caterer who specialized in food service and preparation, Mr. Besuel also served as a toxologist. The first course on the menu was a chef’s surprise, followed by Just Desserts, with imported sweets and confections.

The dinner was catered by Mr. B, who cooked up an elaborate scheme, with reserved seating and personalized servings, rather than buffet style.

“Ironically, Dad was always so exacting, personally taking care of every detail. He had it all figured out; the seating, the menu, who exactly sits where, and who gets what. Now it’s all mixed up,” lament-ed Laban.

Getting Over the HumpBY JOE CAMEL

The Torah TimesFOOD POISON KILLS DAD

Guess! G O L D G I F T S G U E S T B U YMeaningful and symbolic Jewelry for Bride To Be! Ring and Bracelets ELIEZER

C A M E L O TServing the well-off

and well-to-do1 Laban PlaceParking on premises

VACANCY! SAME DAY SERVICE! CLEARANCE!

well-comeGreat drink offer!I’d walk a mile for a Camel:Well-knownWell-preparedReturn for refills!

Welcome!

Quick service!

Great refresher!

Great character!

Dear Eli,The Chutzpa of this guy

who flies in unexpectedly, comes over for dinner to an-nounce that my daughter’s engaged to a distant cousin!

He expects me to believe in ‘Divine Providence,’ and that he traveled hundreds of miles in a single day. And he doesn’t just say it once; he keeps re-peating himself over and over. How many times can I hear the same story?

The groom’s very reli-gious, unworldly and with-drawn, and I’m scared that my daughter may become a ‘Matriarch.” ‘Daddy’s little girl’ is sheltered and innocent who knows nothing about so-ciety today.

Let her stay home a bit longer! I’m full of venom against this stranger trying to steal my daughter. OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Concerned Father

Dear Concerned Father,Your poisoning of a good

relationship may return to haunt you.

Dear E., My baby sister just got

engaged to a 40 year old, and the groom’s side wants a short engagement. Why rush into marriage? My sis-ter needs time to prepare, a year, or ten months. Mom also agrees with me.

L. HaramiDear L.,Let the bride make her

own decision. After all, who’s getting married here? Your sister is a rose among thorns, so the faster out, the better!

When it’ll come to your own children, you can finagle as you wish. But right now, let her decide. Mazal Tov!

PROBLEMS IN HUMAN EMOTION

A2 • NEWS THE TORAH TIMES • PARSHAT CHAYEI SARAH

OBITUARY:

Sarah Abrams ז׳׳ל Only Simchas!Woman of

valor, Sarah was a devoted wife and mother through her one hundred years, twenty years

and seven years, all equally good.Sarah introduced women to

the light and warmth of a Jewish home. Her home was always open to guests for whom she personally

prepared meals; her happy smile would break out into a hearty laugh. Drawing attention wherever she went, she retained her youthful grace and charm even in old age.

Sarah taught modesty, fashion and homemaking as well as child upbringing. Kind and good hearted, she insisted on protecting a child from bad influence. Her illustrious husband followed her advice and listened to her voice.

Whereas, we all mourn the tragic passing of the late Sarah Abrams, and

Whereas, this week’s Sidra is named “Life of Sarah” in her memory, and

Whereas, Sarah was a Woman of Valor, who dedicated her life to serve others, and

Whereas, Sarah was a Matriarch, a devoted mother, who went out all the way for her son, and

Whereas, Abraham, man of G-d, a sojourner and native amongst us, earned the respect of the international commu-nity, -

Therefore, we extend sincere condolences to husband Abraham, and to son Isaac, and

Whereas, Abraham wishes to acquire the Machpela Machpela field as eternal repose for his wife,

Therefore, do I, Efron Hitite, Mayor of Hessville, official-ly offer the said property valued at 400 silver talents, and deliver it as a noble gesture to the family, and hereby affix my signature to execute this transaction before all people of this great region.

Mrs. Ketura Hager married Abraham in Hebron. It was the sec-ond marriage for both; the bride a divorcee and the groom a widower. Both have a child from a previous marriage.

From a royal aristocratic family, Princess Ketura originally worked as a domestic. Single since her di-vorce, the bride wore a pleasant in-cense fragrance. Despite numerous wanderings and aggravations, she maintained her honor and dignity.

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LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATIONNever underestimate Real Estate. On the surface, your rocky land

may seem a worthless dead end, but one man’s trash can be another’s treasure. Meaningless to you, it may have sentimental value to a buyer for whom money is no object. Don’t be afraid to list high, you may get what you ask for!

The crucial factor in real estate is location. Where your property is situated makes all the difference, so you may be sitting on a gold mine!

Knowing the buyer’s personal situation can be helpful. Is the buyer rushing to buy, or is he just shopping around, and may go elsewhere? Is he just marginally interested, or is he locked into this specific location?

A good salesman should act like a gentleman. If there’s a death in the customer’s family, be courteous, show concern, express sympathy and offer condolences. But don’t let sympathy turn into pity for the cus-tomer. Don’t give it away for nothing just because someone died. Get your price!

In distress, the buyer is pressured and not willing to bargain. In such circumstances you can land yourself an unexpected pile of cash.

Never worry that you overpaid for real estate. In an up and coming place, the value rises drastically once the property changes hands. In time, the land may turn out to be the world’s hottest piece of property that people will be fighting over.

Say all the right things. Make free offers. Talk is cheap, so keep on talking because the bottom line is money.

Real Estate and You