The Ultimate Pantomime

Act 1: The Fairy Godmother welcomes

Fairy Good evening everyone and welcome to the show. Just before we start, there are a few things we should

clear up. My name is the Fairy Godmother and each time I appear I want every single person to give a loud cheer.

Can you do that ? Let’s try.

Hello everyone. Hmm. Is there anyone actually out there in the audience ? Let’s try it again.

Hello everyone. Well. Most of you were cheering, but some just forgot. You forgot (pointing to someone) didn’t you ? One more time or I’m going home. Hello everyone. Lovely. I feel warm inside.

Enter Tiger

Tiger Merry Christmas.Fairy I am so sorry. This is Tiger, my cat. He is supposed to be doing something useful. Like catching mice.Tiger I’m here to help you.Fairy That’s nice, but I don’t need any help.Tiger Yes you do. You only started fairy godmother lessons yesterday.Fairy So ? Your point being ….?Tiger Your magic spells always go wrong.Fairy What if they do ? My worst subject at school was always spelling.Tiger Don’t worry. I’ll look after you.Fairy Thanks.

Tiger (whispering)Fairy Oh yes. Well, what will be happening tonight? It’s the usual sort of thing at Christmas. There is a girl and a boy and some dancing and some mistletoe…….Tiger (whispering)Fairy I’m setting the scene. Tiger (whispering) Fairy Look. Just enjoy it. And don’t forget to laugh.

Exit Tiger and fairy

The Ultimate Pantomime

Act 2: The Ugly Sisters

Enter Cinderella (sweeping to sad music)Cinderella: Don’t you worry about me. This is just my day job.Music I am not going to be stuck here all my life.Music I’ve just entered “Britain’s Got Talent.” Music I’m going to audition soon. If only I had time to practice. MusicButtons: Hi Cinders. How you doing ? Cinders: Not good. Look what I have to do ! I’ll never finish.Buttons: Just work harder. Don’t daydream so much.Cinders: What do you mean, daydream ? A girl has to have a dream.Buttons: You missed a bit.Cinders: A girl needs to believe in herself.Buttons: There’s a cobweb there.Cinders: I’m young. I’m pretty. I’m talented. I have the world at my feet.Buttons: You have dust at your feet.Cinders: Oh. I thought you understood me.Button: I just think you are being a bit unrealistic that’s all. You’re always going to be the cleaning girl.Cinders: Yes. Perhaps you’re right.

Enter Amelia and Camelia Amelia: Girl……Girl…….Girl ! Camellia: Where is she ?Amelia: She’s never around when you need her.Camelia: Always skiving.Amelia: (to audience) Have you seen her ?Amelia: Well ? Have you ?

Camelia: Ah. There she is. Now girl, are you listening ? It’s the dusting, then the vacuuming.Amelia Wash the bedsheets, get them in the spin dryer.Camelia Stack the dishwasher, go through the paperwork And …..Amelia Walk the dog.Cinders We don’t have a dog.Amelia You’re right, we don’t. Walk it anyway.Camelia I do love Christmas. It’s the season of fun and laughter.Amelia It brings out the best in you, dear.Camelia Ooh you are so kind.Amelia Don’t mention it. I’m sure everyone has noticed already.Camelia Yes. I glow, don’t I, dear ? I radiate happiness. It’s a gift. Really, it is. Now, girl, we’re off to the Christmas party tonight.Amelia We can’t trust you, so we’re taking the tv remote with us.Camelia Watching tv is not allowed.Amelia And try and smarten yourself up a bit.Camelia You look like something the cat dragged in.Amelia Take a bit of pride in your appearance. Its not a night out at the school Christmas sharing !

Sisters exit

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Act 3 Prince and ’The Big Idea’

Enter Prince

Prince Oh this is so exciting. Tonight is my Christmas Party. I’m going to be the coolest prince on the planet.Now, what are my moves again ?

Prince dances badly to music.

Queen: Oh darling must you really play that dreadful music of your fathers? Why can’t you listen to something a bit more contemporary like________Prince: MUM!Dances:Robin You have really perfected that dance…haven’t you?Prince Yes. I think it’s rather good. I like this bit best.Robin Yes, your highness, It’s very original.Queen: Oh, and do be careful with those dance moves, we don’t want to end up in A&E again. Pinnochio, he is the surgeon, made such an awful job of your nose the last time.Prince: MUM!Queen; What are you up to anyway? You better not be planning anything!Prince That was close. Mum and Dad don’t know I am having this party. They are out watching a documentary about Shrek all night. So, who’s coming to this bash of mine?Robin Well. At the moment, we have Amelia and Camelia as definites.Prince Those two ugly sisters! I won’t be going near them with my mistletoe. Who else? What other fabulous party people are coming to the palace?Robin Well. Ahh. Um. There’s Amelia and Camellia.Prince Yes, yes. You’ve told me about them. Who else ?

Robin To be truthful, taking everything into account, all in all, that’s about it.Prince What? There’s only two guests coming?Robin Well, there’s YOU as well your Highness.Prince That’s not enough! I’ve been practising for weeks. You’ve got to do something!! Get some people. I don’t care where you get them from. Just get them !!!!

The Ultimate PantomimeAct 4: The Elves

Elves (singing) Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go………Grumpy Why do we always have to sing this song ? Every day it’s the same. We sing it all the time.Dopey I like this song.Grumpy But you don’t even know the words.Dopey Yes I do.Grumpy No you don’t.Dopey Yes I do.Grumpy What are they then ?Dopey Hi ho, hi ho, its off…………………. Oh I’ve forget them.Sneezy Leave Dopey alone. Its not his fault he can’t (achoo!!)

Robin Hello there, you fine band of men. I have an important message from the prince himself.Grumpy She’s not here.Robin Who’s not here ?Bashful No-one. But we haven’t seen her anyway. Who ever she is. Have we boys ?All No, we haven’t seen her.Dopey I have. She’s asleep in bed.Robin Who’s asleep in bed?Grumpy Don’t tell him.Dopey Snow White. Robin Snow White ? Who’s she ? I don’t know anything about any Snow White. Listen. I have an important message. Here. Can any of you read ?Dopey I can. No I can’t.Exit Robin

Doc It says. You are invited to the Grand Christmas Ball

on Christmas Eve at the big castle. Its Christmas and I am very excited. I love dancing and dressing up and wearing reindeer antlers. Please come with an enormous present for me. Love the Prince.Grumpy Well I’m not going.

Ultmate pantomimeAct 5 Captain Hook and Peter Pan

Enter Robin (Peter Pan scene)Robin Hood: I just can’t seem to find it? It doesn’t appear to be on my map. Er, excuse me Sir. Sir. You with the …hook!

Captain Hook: What?

Robin Hood: You couldn’t tell me where erm…NeverLand is?

Captain Hook: Never!

Robin Hood: No ‘Never-Land’

Captain Hook: Why are you looking for Neverland, if there is such a place?

Robin Hood: I am looking for a boy called… erm… where is the name…

Captain Hook: Peter Pan?

Robin Hood: Yes, that’s his name, do you know him?

Captain Hook: (Doh! That dratted boy) Never heard of the man.

Robin Hood: but didn’t you just say ‘Peter Pan’’?

Captain Hook: No I said ‘Eat some ham’. Anyway, I might know him and where this Never Land place is but first you must tell me the reason that you need to speak to the little brat… I mean the person I may, OR may not know, in the place that you said that MAY or MAY not exist.

Robin: pardon?

Captain Hook: (angrily) Are you going to arrest him and throw him into prison for a very long time? Yes or No?

Robin: No, I have a ticket for him for the Great Ball hosted by the Prince. I have been sent...

Captain Hook: Oh why! Why! He just doesn’t deserve it. I am the real character everyone loves. I am the one who likes to take risks. Is there an invite there for me?

Robin: No

Captain Hook: Could I be your plus one? I am a very good dancer. (Does a little jig)

Robin Hood: To be honest, you’re not my type.

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy and John.

Tinkerbell: I was walking with him.

Wendy: No, I asked him yesterday if he would walk with me and, well, he didn’t say no.

Tinkerbell: But that was yesterday and as you well know today is another day.

Wendy: Well actually, can we say that there is a yesterday in ‘Neverland’?

Tinkerbell: I just said there was, so there is.

John: I don’t know if you two have noticed but Peter has two arms? Perhaps you could walk either side of him!

Wendy and Tinkerbell: But I wanted Peter to myself.

Robin: Hello there, I am looking for…

Peter: Please say me! Please say Peter Pan. I’m not sure I can take anymore of this! Having two girls chasing after me seemed so great, but after a while it has started to drive me crazy.

Robin: Really?

Peter: Yes, just look at me. The boy who never grew up; I have started to develop worry wrinkles, in Hello magazine they are called crows feet. I can’t sleep; I have Tesco ‘bags for life’ under my eyes!

John: I shop at Asda’s.

Peter: What!

John: Nothing, I was just saying that there are other supermarkets out there, like Asda’s, Sainburys, Waitrose who also have bags for life.

Peter: Anyway, back to me! I have started to go grey. Look! Grey hairs. I had to go to Tesco’s to get Just for Men. But it never gets all the grey hair like it says it does.

John: You could of course have gone to any of the other main supermarkets and bought other branded products that would do the same job.

Peter: Look John. As you well know, the doctor told me that I am suffering from sleep deprivation and diva-itus. Will you stop butting in!

Robin: Listen Peter, I can see you are very tired and busy. Let me just give you the message and I will be on my way. I am very busy myself. Trumpet noise please?You are officially requested by the Prince to attend his Grand Ball. Do you accept?

Peter: if it gets me out of here then yes, yes, yes!!!

Robin: That is great! All you need to do is choose your plus one.

Peter: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wendy & Tinkerbell: Choose me!me me me me me me me me me me!

Exit from stage.

John: I am glad I am not Peter!! Hang on a minute. I think they have: lots of lovely food, dancing, drinks and pretty princesses at a ball.Peter, peter! Choose me! Choose me! Choose me!

Ultimate pantomimeAct 6 Mad Hatters

Enter Robin

Robin The Prince has some very strange friends. Well. Here goes.Mad hatter No room ! No room ! You can’t sit here ! There is no more room !Robin There’s plenty of room.Mad hatter No room !Robin I can sit here.Mad hatter No room !Robin Well. I’ll stand then.March Hare Stand ? stand ? Why would you stand when you can sit down ? Have a seat.Mad hatter No room !March hare No room !Robin You are both quite mad.March hare Have you been invited ? Robin No. I don’t think so.Mad hatter It’s rude to sit down if you haven’t been invited.Robin Invited to what ?March Hare Its my unbirthday party.Robin What’s an unbirthday party ?Mad hatter It’s a party when its not your birthday !!!! Ha !!March hare And you haven’t been invited.Mad Hatter Why is a raven like a writing desk ?March hare Why is a raven like a writing desk ?Mad hatter Dormouse, Are you awake ?March hare Wake up dormouse !!!!!! Wakey, wakey !!!!!!Mad hatter Let’s sing a waking up song.

Both Twinkle twinkle little bat, How I wonder what you’re at Flying in the sky so high Like a tea tray in the sky.

Dormouse (yawns) No room, no room, no room.

Robin Well. This is all very nice but I must be going. Here is your invitation to the Christmas ball.You are invited to the Grand Christmas Ball Trumpets please: you are invited to… oh I can’t be bothered… you can read yourself offWhite Rabbit: I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.Comes to front of stageRobin I think I’m in the wrong pantomime.

Ultimate pantomimeAct 7 Wizard of Oz

Robin: I think next year I will sell the tickets on Ticket Master. Robin: whoa!Tin man: are you the mechanic?Robin: no!TinMan: Can you move my arm a bit, I have an itchy nose! Ooohh that’s it there.Could you scratch my back for me?Robin: NoTin Man: Can you just move my arm a bit?

Lion: Put ‘em up. Come on, put ‘em up.You don’t scare me.Robin: Boo!Lion: You scared me. Its not fair. You shouted at me. You were too loud. I want my Mummy. Mummy!!!Enter DorothyDorothy: Oh. That’s nice. But we need to find the yellow brick road. All: “Follow the yellow brick road…”Dorothy: Its somewhere over the rainbow.All: “Somewhere over the rainbow…”Dorothy: We’re off to see the wizard.All: “We’re off to see the wizard…”

Tin Man: You see I need a heart.ScareCrow: And I need a brain!Lion: And I need to be a little bit braver. I’m a lion you know put’em upRobin : well good luck. I’ll see you all at the royal party.All:(Exiting stage)We’re off to see the Prince the Wizard the wonderful wizard of Oz, because, because, because, becauseeee the womderful things he does.

The Ultimate PantomimeAct 8: The Fairy Godmother returns

Cinders Where is it ? I know its here somewhere. Ah. Da na !!!! The spare t.v remote. It’s time for my favourite programme: Britain’s Got Talent.

Enter fairy

Fairy Some of you must have memories like goldfish. You are supposed to cheer!!!!

Cinders Who are you?Fairy I’m you’re fairy godmother.Cinders Oh. No thanks. I’m watching the telly.Fairy But I’m here to turn your rags into a beautiful ball gown and turn a pumpkin into a stagecoach and the mice into…..Cinders I’m not really bothered.Fairy Don’t you want to go to the Christmas party ?Cinders I can’t think of anything worse. Fairy Well. How ungrateful can you get !

Enter Tiger

Fairy I may as well go home, Tiger.Tiger Why don’t you do it anyway ? (to audience) Would you like to see some magic ? Are you sure ?Fairy Right. I’ll do it. Here goes. 1..2..3.. What’s the magic spell ?Tiger AbracadabraFairy Well. That’s original. Can you all say the magic word after 3.Fairy 1…..2….3

Tiger It hasn’t worked.

Enter Buttons (in dress)

Buttons Hi there Cinders. Has it started yet?Cinders You look a bit strange?Buttons Oh wow! It’s just my colour. What do you think?Cinders I think you should take it off. You look ridiculous.

Ultimate pantomimeAct 9 The ball

The characters enter in twos with face masks held up!

Royal Courtier: Ladies and gentlemen will you please be upstanding for: His glorious, His excellence, His audaciousness, his Hip-hopidness, (I did not write this!) His Prince Princness The Prince

Trumpets play.Mc Hammer hammer plays. Prince comes in and does some silly dancing.

Amelia, Camelia: Wowsers Prince. Camelia: You are so…urm…

Prince: go on say it, my dancing is totally amazing, word up.

Amelia: Talented?

Camelia: Oh I wouldn’t say that. You are adorably rich and royal.

_______: Prince, Prince! Your Mum and Dad the King and Queen are home early. Quick everybody hide.

(Lights go down)

King: Well darling what a bore that was. I much preferred Shrek 1.

Queen: Yes Phillip, so you keep saying. I don’t think it helped that you slept most of the way through it snoring like a hippopotamus!

King: Just look at this place! A mess! That’s the trouble with having 425 rooms, so difficult to keep up with the chores. Shall we have a cup of tea before bed?

Queen: that would be lovely darling.

(Child hands cups to the King)

King: Do you think we will ever get rid of Prince, I mean do you think anyone will ever want to marry him?

Queen: Well I caught him dancing just the other day and it was a sight to behold. He looked like an over excited octopus trying to fight his way out of a Onesie!

Prince: Hey!(someone puts their hand over the princes mouth)

King: Talking of onesies, have you ordered mine. I am thinking of wearing it when I do my Christmas day speech to the nation!

Queen: Oh Phillip, you are funny. Come on, let’s get off to bed! Prince: Tinkerbell, you must love my dancing?

Tinkerbell: There are a number of things you need to work on.

Prince: Yes, what are they?

Tinkerbell: Well to save some time I will sum up for you. YOUR DANCING!

Prince: Anyway, it’s not all about the dancing. Tonight I am armed with mistletoe and a desire to find my true love. Everybody: drink, be merry, Let the royal party commence! Oh by the way my parents have gone out for the night and don’t know I am having this little bash, so try not to break anything!Dopey: woops (drums)Prince: Hi there!Sleeping Beauty: Oh thank you.Prince: No. I mean; hi there!

Slepping Beauty: Oh sorry, I thought you were the waiter.Prince: (to the audience) I will wow her with some of my amazing stories.Did I ever tell you how I fought off a dragon with…Sleeping Beauty: ZZZZZZZZ, sorry what was that?Prince: I was just saying…Sleeping Beauty:ZZZZZZZ, oh sorry you seem to have sent me to sleep again!Holds mistletoe over her head.Sleeping beauty: Oh you are my hero!Prince: Doh

Party Songs Dancing

Everybody exits the stage.

Ultimate PantomimeAct 9 The wedding

Prince: What a wonderful evening. I met the woman of my dreams. We danced, we sang, we even kissed! (Shoe chucked on stage at Prince) Oh look there is the shoe that she wore! I must find the girl who was wearing that shoe.

Courtier: What does she look like Your Royal Princeness?

Prince: How would I know, you fool, she was wearing a mask! All I know was that her hair smelt like flowers, her skin as smooth and delicate of that of a baby’s, she glided serenely across the floor and...she had definitely been eating cheese and onions crisps.

On walks Buttons

Buttons: Oh there it is!

Prince: (to the audience) I have found her! Now she must marry me!I command whoever owns that shoe to marry me,

Buttons: But...

Prince: this very instant!

Buttons: Are you sure?!

Prince: Of course I am sure, what do you take me for, some kind of idiot?

Buttons: Very well. CAMELIA…

Camelia: YES!

Buttons: I have found your shoe!

Prince: NOOOooooooo!

Wedding bells

Fairy: Do you take…this… to be your wife!

Prince: I do!

Fairy: and do you take him to be your husband.

Camelia: I do, but he has to realise that I am high maintenance, that my sister comes too and he will have to start pulling his weight because I am certainly not cleaning this big old castle!

Fairy: And to celebrate this Christmas wedding we have a special guest all the way from the late 90’s singing the old classic: All I want for Christmas is You! Mariah Carey.

We wish you a merry Christmas!