The Writing Process: Sentences are your friends.

For Today:--Presentation order--Revision = Good--Grammar

--word choice--sentence structure--punctuation

Revision: the key to communicating better

“Your eloquence should be the servant of the ideas in your head. Your rule might be this: If a sentence, no matter how excellent, does not illuminate your subject in some new and useful way, scratch it out.” — Kurt Vonnegut, How to Use the Power of the Printed Word

I have rewritten--often several times--every word I have ever published. My pencils outlast their erasers.--Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory

What is significant revision?ORGANIZATIONMake sure your paper addresses your audience with the information required. Reorganize content to improve flow of ideas—taking your communication from writer- to reader-centered. Rewrite or write new topic sentences. Work on transitions between paragraphs. Write a new introduction and rework conclusion.EDITINGEditing entails rewriting sentences, phrases, and words to improve clarity and conciseness. Read aloud and seek review from outside audience. Work on clear and efficient sentences. Reduce wordiness. Reduce passive voice, smothered verbs, and use of “this’ and “it.”PROOFREADINGProofreading includes identifying common mechanical problems, including punctuation (commas!), spelling, verb tense, agreement, gendered language, etc.

Strategies for Revision

1. Think big: What are the constraints and requirements of the paper? How does the paper meet them?

2. Read aloud: Imagine yourself as a reader.

3. Reverse Outlining: See what is there, not what you think is there.

4. Peer Review: Get outside feedback. (6.17 in Lauchman)

“The most valuable of talents is never using two words when one will do.”Thomas Jefferson

“Sedulously eschew obfuscatory hyperverbosity and prolixity.”Roedy Green

Lauchman on being concise:

1) know the meaning of words2) choose precise words3) let words do their job

put off until a later time postponeon two separate occasions twicenegatively affects the potential success jeopardizeshad the effect of confusing the audience confused

(see 6.2, 6.4, 6.12)

Sentence Structure: Eliminate Wordiness It Will

“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.”--William Strunk, Jr.

In other words, get to the point

Take note of these techniques:1. State what the subject does, not what it is.2. Determine the key action; use that as the verb3. Reveal that action early4. Avoid words ending in –ion, -ment, -ance, -ence, or -ive 5. Avoid make, do, give, have, provide, and perform6. Give proper credit where it is due. In other words, be active when

needed.7. Avoid “It ,” “there,” and “this” constructions. 8. Limit use of doubled terms (7.9)9. Limit use of “not” (6.5, 7.10)10. Put lengthy conditions after the main idea (6.6)

1. State what the subject does, not what it is. (7.1)

State what the subject does, not what it is. (i.e. minimize “to be” verbs)

ex.

The surgeon is in vigorous opposition to the procedure to insert a brain in a robot.

The surgeon vigorously opposes inserting a human brain in a robot.

He was successful in his attempt to be persuasive to the professor regarding approval of the project. Better: He succeeded in persuading the professor to approve the project. Even better?: He persuaded the professor to approve the project. Ask: what is the key subject of the sentence and what is it doing

2. Use the key action as the verb (7.2)

Determine the most important action of the sentence, then make that your verb.

ex.

He made an attempt to create documentation of the problem.

He tried to document the problem.

He documented the problem.

Readers show a preference for simplicity and do a skimming of difficult material.

Readers prefer simplicity and skim difficult material.

3. Reveal the verb early

That the software, despite its cost and the time it takes to master, will ultimately be beneficial is probably.

That the software, despite its cost and the time it takes to master, will ultimately be beneficial is probably.

We will probably benefit from the software, despite its cost and the time required to master it.

4. Avoid words ending in: –ion, -ment, -ance, -ence, or -ive (7.3)

We have asked them to provide justification for the project. Better: We have asked them to justify the project. Also, authorization, announcement, extension, assessment, compliance, investigative, etc.

5. Avoid make, do, give, have, provide, and perform (7.4)

She made her professor grumpy by writing with a lot of words. The team did research on zombie RFID. The team gave a briefing on their project. The presentation had the effect of informing the audience. The research should provide us with a lesson about the need for safety protocols.

6. Give proper credit where it is due. In other words, be active when needed. (6.1)

Avoid passive voice when assigning credit.

Monsters will need to be researched.

In order to eliminate the possibility of cost overruns, it is necessary to understand the technical details of the monster’s electrical circuits.

Monsters will need to be researched

David will research monsters.

In order to eliminate the possibility of cost overruns, it is necessary to understand the technical details of the monster’s electrical circuits.

Amanda will research the monster’s electrical circuits in order to avoid cost overruns.

7. Avoid “It ,” “there,” and “this” constructions. (7.5)

This is the enemy of clarity. There are better ways to say it.

ex.

It was believed that the monster would probably destroy the village.

The zombies believed that the monster would destroy their village.

There would seem to be no way to avoid the vampires.

The vampires seem to be unavoidable.

The vampires are unavoidable.

The vampires are unavoidable, except during the day.

Sentence Structure

This is the key to solving the problem.

Since vampires are hunting only at night, it is recommended that villagers stay indoors at night. This is the key to solving the problem. There appear to be no other solutions.

Since vampires hunt only at night, villagers can solve the problem by staying indoors at night.

You should hunt and kill “it,” “this,” and “there” constructions like Van Helsing hunts vampires…

8. Limit use of doubled terms (7.9)9. Limit use of “not” (6.5, 7.10)10. Put lengthy conditions after the main idea (6.6)11. Use punctuation correctly.

Commas, who needs them?

Grammar: Sentence Structure

Simple sentence—Complete thought, one independent clause:

Dracula wrote a paper.

Compound sentence—Two independent clauses joined by conjunction or semicolon:

Dracula wrote a paper, and Dr. Frankenstein performed an experiment.

Complex sentence—One independent clause and one dependent clause:

Although The Mummy wrote the section by herself, she worked with a zombie at the writing center to edit the material.

Compound-complex sentences—Two independent clauses joined to one or more dependent clauses:

The Mummy writes the papers, but Mothra, who has an eye for detail, enjoys the editing process.

The main building blocks of sentences are independent (IC) and dependent clauses (DC). Clear rules govern the joining of these building blocks, most often using commas.

1. Use comma to join ICs joined by conjunction:The Bride of Frankenstein informed her team of her

progress, but she was not as clear as she could have been.

2. Do not use commas with conjunctions joining an IC to a DC:Frankenstein’s Monster talked to his teammates on

Thursday and let them know of his progress.

3. Use commas to set of non-essential DCs from and IC:“Even in the summer, the Abominable Snowman wears his

hair long.”

“The empty castle is haunted by ghosts, which is one reason it is not selling.”

“The empty castle, haunted by ghosts, is now reduced for a quick sale.”

“Dracula, of all the monsters in the world, terrifies me the most.”

“The Swamp Thing, for example, is a monster who does not like to write memos.”

Digression—Dashes and Hyphens

Dashes are two hyphens (- + - = —)

Use dashes sparingly to set of non-essential DCs from and IC:

“Dracula, of all the monsters in the world, terrifies me the most.”

“Dracula—of all the monsters in the world—terrifies me the most.”

“Even in the summer, the Abominable Snowman wears his hair long.”

“The Abominable Snowman wears his hair long—even in the summer.”

Hyphens are mainly used for compound adjectives:

Our team will use a high-power ray gun to defeat Mothra.

But not:

The ray gun we need for Mothra must be high power.

But also numbers: I am seeking a 4-5 person team.

A digression within the digression: Numbers

Write out numbers one through nine, except in ranges and exact measurements:

I killed 4-5 zombies, but the one I missed ate my brain.

We will use a 6-volt battery.

The test showed a speed of 2 milliseconds.

I worked on this paper for seven hours.

4. Use a comma to set off an introductory element:

“Of course, the haunted house is not ideal for everyone.”

“Additionally, some monsters do not get along with ghosts, and they would have to hire the Ghostbusters before moving in.”

(Hint: use “Additionally” instead of “Also” as an introductory phrase)

Other uses of commas:

5. To separate coordinate adjectives:

“A hairy, disgusting spider dangled from the tree.”

6. To distinguish between list items (always use the serial or “Oxford” comma):

“We purchased Skittles, Mars Bars, Snickers, and Milky Ways.”

Commas: Clarifying

sentences and saving dogs

since December

2010

Colons vs. Semicolons

Use semicolons to clarify complicated lists:

“The party’s guest list included Count Dracula, a vampire; Godzilla, a giant, nuclear lizard; and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a man who changes between two distinct personalities.”

Do not use before a series:

“We know many of the main monsters to avoid; vampires, mummies, komodo dragons, and OU fans.”

Colons vs. Semicolons

Use colons to introduce a series:

“We know many of the main monsters to avoid: vampires, mummies, komodo dragons, and OU fans.”

Colons introduce further explanation or modification following a complete main clause.

“The party’s guest list was varied: Dracula, a vampire; Godzilla, a giant, nuclear lizard; and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a man who changes between two distinct personalities.”

Colons vs. Semicolons

You can use semicolons between independent clauses that are closely related:

“The Wolfman will not be at the game this weekend; the moon is full.”

Or, in cases using conjunctive adverbs to join independent clauses:

“ Amanda does not advise using semicolons; however, you can use them with conjunctive adverbs, such as consequently, hence, indeed, instead, nonetheless, etc.”

Colons vs. Semicolons

Use parentheses for acronyms:

“Zombies prefer to use Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) to track brains.”

Then, you can use the acronym in the next sentences. You may want to reintroduce acronyms if they are obscure, and if you have not used them for a few pages.

Use parentheses for complicated lists and for measurements within sentences:

“Outside of Transylvania, the locations with the most vampires are (1) New Orleans (approximately 5000 vampires), (2) Paris (3000), and (3) Hawaii (1000).

Cover letters back

For Thursday: turn in Proposal Memo

Other Mechanics Questions?