The Yellow and Grey Cardigan To The Plastic Adidas Hoodie

8/22/2019 The Yellow and Grey Cardigan To The Plastic Adidas Hoodie

1/12


2/12

Contents:

i. love songii. delight

iii. hollowiv. a mouth made of tearsv. us

vi. oxymoronic heartsvii. songs

viii. catching busses to nowhereix. linguistic liesx. your face holds a thousand memories

xi. lonely nightsxii. last year's me

xiii. you are not you


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i.

Love Song

If the universeshould dare to

tear us apart,

I should cease

to exist, for

without him I

am but a shadow

of myself,

a fragment of

a shattered

shard of glass;I needhim,

he is the water

I drink and

the air I breathe,

he is my soul,

he is everything,

without him is

not a notion

I shall ever endure

because to take

him from me

would be to take

my soul,

and if you take

that from me

I shall never be

whole.

ii.

[De]light

There are not

enough

happy words

to explain

how you makeme feel.


4/12

iii.

Hollow

I think I lost myself

in-between

the last time we kissed

and the first

time you kissed her.

iv.

A Mouth Made Of Tears

I bled your name

onto

my pillow

so when I slept

I could

hear it,

like pressing

my ear

to a seashell to hear

the ocean;

I drown myself

to sleepevery night,

mouthing

your name.


5/12

v.

Us

Us,

the catastrophic weight

of the word

pins me down,

crushes me

into the dust of

tears

that form your name.I breathe it out,

aloud

and clear.

The vowels shatter

in my heart,

slice me up

and the thought

of you burns my brain

alive.

You. You.You.

Separate;

Me. Me.

Me.

Alone:

A first person -

one

person pronoun.

You

andMe.

No more Us.

No more plural,

no couple.

No love.

My heart hangs itself

with your name

as a noose.


6/12

vi.

Oxymoronic Hearts

Right nowI hate you

to hell

and back,

but I'll always

love you

e v e n m o r e

than that.

vii.

Songs

I know when I am feeling

alive

to the soundof music, at a gig

and I'm

lost

in the notes of the

guitarist I am

only happy because it does

not

remind me of you.

I know when I am feeling

empty

and dead to the sound

of the songs

that played me to sleep

as a funeral

march

(after you left)

it is because I can't help but

wonder

what would have

happened if you

hadn't.


7/12

viii.

Catching Busses To Nowhere

I look for youon every bus that drives

past

on every street

I walk down.

Even if I'm not in

the right country, I still look,

hope to catch

one sliver of your face

like a dream,grasp it before it slips

through my fingers

into nothing.

Sometimes I think I see you,

do a double take

and then my heart double

drops

because it's not you -

it's never you.

It's just someone with

the same hair

cut or

the same

shoulders holding them

up

in the same way

you would.

Maybe the DNA of your

bones is shared

by other people.

Maybe I see you

in everyone,

maybe you are in everyone.

Maybe I make you up

in other

peoples DNA,


8/12

like a painter with the right

shades of peach

but the wrong canvas.

Maybe I make you up to try and trick

my heartinto beating again.

ix.

Linguistic Lies

Sometimes I force

suffixes to lie for me, like

unwilling members

of a gang they got pressured

into joining

when they were young because

they wanted to look

cool,

but they've signed up for life

and now they're

trapped telling the world

about a guy I once loved -

only

there are no past participles

to be found

in this heart.


9/12

x.

your face holds a thousand memories

my heartcannot look at you

for over

a millisecond

without breaking

because theyou

i knew left

and now you are

someone else,

someplace else

but you still look

like him.

xi.

Lonely Nights

All the memories of usCome flooding back like vomit;

I feel sick.

There's a huge lump in my throat

The size of a kitchen knife,

Im choking on lead tears

That fall like suicide

As I remember our first kiss,

Then our last.

I wonder where you are, now.

I wonder if you ever think of me

When you stay up

At night, when the dark swallows the

Present like a cyanide pill,

And all youre left with are rusty memories

Do you think of me?

I wonder if you ever get so choked up

You cant breathe because you

Miss me so much.

But I know that right now,Its 1 a.m. and youre not going
http://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56375041883/your-face-holds-a-thousand-memorieshttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56375041883/your-face-holds-a-thousand-memorieshttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56827092805/lonely-nightshttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56827092805/lonely-nightshttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56827092805/lonely-nightshttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/56375041883/your-face-holds-a-thousand-memories


10/12

To be in your own bed;

Youll be someplace else where

The grass is much greener and made

From cannabis.

I know your lips that learnt to kissWith mine will be on someone

Elses who wont kiss in

Quite the right way. I know its 1 a.m.

In my bed, but it doesnt feel like

Home anymore. I feel like

Im going to spend the rest of my life

Sleeping rough, letting strange

Men place their pennies in my hat

Just so I can get another

Sleepless night under a different quilt.

And I know Ill close my eyes whenever

Anyone else is inside me

So I can picture you here instead.

Ill spend the rest

Of my days

Inventing all the memories we

Never got to live. Ill

Drink cheap wine by the bucket

With my friends and laugh

When I make new enemies,

But nothing

Will fix the emptiness

You carved into my heart

When you left.


11/12

xii.

Last Years MeThe truth found you eventually,

Slapped you on the soles

Of your feet with tiny pin needles.

You hobbled for weeks in silent

Denial, harbouring your green

Screaming monster as though

You were pregnant. He tried to find

You in weak sentences but you

Amputated what was left of your

Heart and locked it in the freezer.

You stood in sweltering heat as

An ice sculpture, imagining theirJuxtaposed sex and wondering how

He could do this to you, hating him

And her and yourself. You threw away

Your blue box keys to the universe

And stopped curling your hair, wore

Black in a permanent funeral march.

Ignored the suns attempts to cheer you

Up. Kissed other lips like they

Didnt taste of poison in the hope he

Would see. You bared your broken, frozen

Heart to the elements of nightIn sharp tears while he moved inside

Her in some other place. It wasnt

Cheating anymore but you still felt the

Tear on your shrinking soul and shattered

Confidence in black and white.

You wrote about everything else other

Than him but his eyes still found a

Way to linger in your poems. You

Spent hours scrolling the minefield

Of his Facebook wall staring at pictures

Of him and her that should have been

Him and you. You let him open the freezer

And thaw your heart in dream land,

Only so it could be broken again

In the harsh light of the morning.

You built an igloo as a glass force

Field in spring and tried to keep smiling

Even though nothing worked. You

Blamed everyone but him, including

Yourself. Mainly yourself. You trapped

Your emotions in jail and refused
http://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/55999108992/last-years-mehttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/55999108992/last-years-mehttp://writingbyella.tumblr.com/post/55999108992/last-years-me


12/12

To ever let them out. You forced

Yourself to stop believing in love.

And now, here I am.

xiii.

you are not you

you are not you

anymore

and that is

all I know

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The Yellow and Grey Cardigan To The Plastic Adidas Hoodie