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Dr Sara Schwarzbaum L.M.F.T & L.C.P.C.
Founder of The Academy for Couples
Therapists and Couples Counseling Associates
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When you work with couples that have
gone through an experience with infidelity,
it helps to ask good questions.
The partner who didn’t have the affair, the
hurt partner, is usually very anxious and
very curious, but he/she is not always
clear what questions are best to ask and
what questions are best not to ask.
It’s a good idea for the therapist to help
the couple manage the flow of information.
You can use these questions inYou can use these questions in
a number of ways to preparea number of ways to prepare
couples for the dialogue:couples for the dialogue:
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- Will they feel better or worse?
- How is their “wanting to know” now
different from their “not wanting to know
before the discovery?
You can also have the hurt partner ask the
questions from a list you give them during
a session.
You can discuss these questions with the
hurt partner prior to the session and have
them pick what questions they want an
answer to.
This is important because the hurt partner
may say they want an answer but it helps
to clarify what they will do with the
information.
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What attracted you to the affair partner?
What did you share about us to her?
Were you worried about the consequences of
the affair or being caught?
What did you say to yourself that gave
you permission to get involved?
Did you feel guilty after having sex?
After talking to him/her?
why do you think the affair begun?
Why did it continue?
Did you think about me at all?
questionsquestions
about an affairabout an affair
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Who else knew about your affair?
How long did it last?
Where did you go?
Did you go to any of our special places?
Were you afraid of getting caught?
How did you feel when you lied to me?
Did our children ever get to meet or know the
other woman/man?
What gifts did you give to the affair partner
and what were you thinking when you gave
them?
What did you think would happen if I found
out?
Were you in love?
Did you think you had a future with him/her?
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Dr Sara Schwarzbaum L.M.F.T & L.C.P.C.
Founder of The Academy forCouples Therapists and Couples
Counseling Associates
© 2020 Dr. Sara Schwarzbaum, All Rights Reserved
