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VOLUME XV, NUMBER 3
UF001 me once, shame on you.Fool me twice, shame on me."
- Chinese proverb
mJ'. e ve all been manipulated by other people,and it's likely
that we've done a bit ofIfrnIll12J1iPulation ourselves. Telling a
white liem order to get what we want IS one way ofmanipulating
someone. Students are notorious fortelling teachers that they
couldn't get their paper inon time because their computer crashed
last night.Employees claim to have car trouble in order to missa
day of work. Politicians inflate a problem or makemisleading
statements in order to gain public supportfor their agendas.
I.
When we manipulate other people, we deprive them oftheir
integrity and their ability to make decisions basedon their own
accurate reading of reality. When we tell alie, we provide an
alternate reality to the other person -and they make decisions that
may be to our advantage,but it may not be a decision they would
make if theyknew all the facts. Manipulation shows disrespect tothe
other person - but ultimately we are disrespectingourselves and
compromising our own integrity whenwe manipulate others. We give
ourselves the illusionof control, but it is hardly a feeling of
control that wecan be proud of. Even if nobody ever finds out
aboutit, we know that we got ahead by taking from anotherperson. "I
win and you lose - and that makes me feelgood." We deprive
ourselves of the knowledge thatour accomplishments in life are
based on our ownresourcefulness.
Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist
Advanced Clinician in Imago RelationshipTherapy
License Number: NC 789
1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin Square
Chapel HilI, North Carolina 27514
919-942-0400
Email: [email protected]:
judith barn ett.comafterinfidelity.com
Dr. Barnett specializes in relationship issues,infidelity
counseling and Imago relation-ship therapy.
Other services include:Individual psychotherapyMarital
therapySeparation counselingDepression • AnxietyWomen's Issues
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- Be aware of the degree to which you have empathytoward others
and how much you might hate to makeharsh judgments about other
people. If you are overly
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Most of us want to trust and assume the best inother people. We
believe that when someone tellsus something, the other person is
telling the truth.When we have been repeatedly hurt because
othershave taken advantage of our trust, we may change ourbeliefs
about the world. We may become cynical andtry to undermine others
before we are hurt yet again.The best strategy is probably to trust
until someoneshows us that they can't be trusted. Hopefully,then,
we can learn how to recognize emotionalmanipulation when it
appears.
"I keep my ideals,because in spite everything,I still believe
that peopleare really good at heart."
-Anne Frank
Recognizing Emotional ManipulationMany of us don't recognize
manipulation when itoccurs, mainly because manipulation violates
ourbasic assumptions about how people should behave.We simply don't
expect it. Manipulators engage in"covert aggression." They hide
their anger toward theworld in subtle ways and gain power over us
in waysthat are not obvious.
- We may sense, however, that we are on thedefensive in their
presence - and this serves as ourfirst clue. We feel somehow that
they are trying tooverpower us.
- They come across as caring, hurting, defending,vulnerable -
almost anything but fighting - and thesetactics obscure their real
motives. You might payattention to your need to take care of them,
but youdon't recognize that they are trying to take advantageof
you. "I care so much about you and now I'vetwisted my ankle. Can't
you give up your afternoon todrive me around?"
- All of us have weaknesses or insecurities and,sometimes we are
aware of them, but we don'texpect that someone will take advantage
of ourvulnerabilities. We sometimes have the need to pleaseothers
so that we'll be accepted - and this trait canbe spotted easily by
an emotional manipulator. Theysometimes know our vulnerable areas
better than wedo, and they exploit them to their advantage.
trusting, you are vulnerable to being manipulated.The healthy
stance is to learn how to recognizemanipulation readily. You cannot
be manipulated ifyou are aware that it is happening - at the moment
ithappens.
Take a look at some common examples of howmanipulators work
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Emotional manipulators turn your statementsaround and make you
the problem. Trying tobe honest with the manipulator opens up
yourvulnerability. He or she is an expert at playing thegame of
"blame the victim." For example, if you say,"I really wish you had
taken a dish to the potluck, andI feel embarrassed that you
didn't," the manipulatormight respond with, "I wish you could
understand thepain I'm suffering right now - and have been for
sometime - but then I guess your life is so happy that youcan't
really feel empathy for someone else. So, sorry."
They'll say one thing and later assure you that theydidn't say
it. "I'll pay for half the groceries this time,"and then later the
manipulator comes back with, "Inever said any such thing." This is
a crazy-makingexperience because your sense of reality is
challenged.The manipulator offers such a convincing argumentthat
they had never promised to pay for half thegroceries that you begin
to doubt your own sanity.
The manipulator will offer to help you, but then thetorrent of
sighs begins. "Yes, yes, (sigh) I'll take outthe garbage." You feel
that you are the one to blame,as if you're trying to control the
manipulator. Again,you are considered the problem.
The manipulating person will set a negativeemotional tone in a
group and others feel compelledto make the manipulator feel better
just to ease thetension. "John, if Keira can't drive you to the
dentisttomorrow, I'll do it. Here, have a cup of coffee. Nowdo you
feel better?" Notice how we tend to enable the.manipulator,
rewarding him or her for the controllingbehavior.
Manipulators don't fight fairly. They might talkbehind your back
and encourage others to confrontyou - and then they come in to save
the day, placingthe blame on the other people. Manipulators
don'tdeal with issues directly. They use passive-aggressivetactics
so that you don't realize that they are actuallybeing aggressive
toward you - "I love your hair that
This newsletter is intended to offer general information only
and recognizes thatindividual issues may differ from these broad
guidelines. Personal issues should beaddressed within a therapeutic
context with a professional familiar with the detailsof the
problems. ©2008 Simmonds Pnblications: 5580 La Jolla Blvd., #306,
cLa Jolla, CA 92037 Website - www.emotionalwellness.com
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color. It does a nice job of hiding the gray." Yourespond
graciously to the compliment, but are thenleft with the lingering
feeling that something is notquite right.
They negate what you say by outdoing you. Ifyou want to talk
about what a rough day you'vehad, they'll come back with an account
of theirexceedingly brutal day, which makes your experiencelook
like a day in the park. "Well, if you think that'sbad, listen to
what I've been through today." Theybring attention back to
themselves so that you find itdifficult to feel any degree of
validation. This is howemotional manipulators distance themselves
fromyou and gain the upper hand. They lack the ability torelate to
others with healthy boundaries and maturity.
Emotional manipulators are experts at playing onyour emotions.
If they sense that you respond easilyto guilt, then they will try
to make you feel guilty ("Ifeel embarrassed for you when you play
with Dora'skids as if they were your own - and it's all
becauseyou've never had children"). Manipulators also playon our
sympathy by playing the role of victim ("AllI do is work, work,
work - You'Ilbe sorry when Ihave a heart attack"). Or they might
blame you foryour anger, even though they have induced it
("Look,you're the one who can't control your emotions,not me").
Emotional manipulators have difficulty inexpressing their desires
or emotions directly, but byplaying on the emotions of other people
they covertlyget their way.
Manipulators project blame onto other people orcircumstances.
They fail to take the responsible pathof believing that they are
accountable for their ownlives. Their focus is on what others have
done tothem, and they are forever the victim ("My father wasthe
first one to treat me badly, just as every man hasdone since").
How Do You Deal with theEmotional Manipulator?Manipulators work
in covert ways. It is sometimesdifficult to know that you are being
manipulated,but then your frustration with this person grows
overtime and you know that something must be wrongwith the
relationship. You may feel pulled toward themanipulator, but then
repulsed by this person at thesame time. These relationships are
generally conflict-ridden.
IYou may find yourself in a double bind. That is, if yougo along
with the manipulation, you feel angry - andif you drop the
relationship, you feel guilty. It mayseem that you can't win. But
there is a way out of thebind-
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W«Y PO PLOPtL A· .~MAtviPUlA1L 01«LRS?~M·---]aniPulative people
have a strong need to be
in control. This may derive from underlyingfeelings of
insecurity on their part, although they oftencompensate for these
feelings with a show of strongself-confidence. Even though they may
deny it, theirmotives are self-serving, and they pursue their
aimsregardless of the cost to other people. They have astrong need
to feel superior and powerful in theirrelationships - and they find
people who will validatethese feelings by going along with their
attemptsat manipulation. They see power as finite. If youexert
power over them, they will retaliate in order togain back the
control they feel they are losing. Theycannot understand the idea
that everyone can feelempowered or that everyone can gain. When
they arenot in control - of themselves and over other people -they
feel threatened. They have difficulty in showingvulnerable emotions
because it might suggest they arenot in control.
IT-1hose who are manipulative usually don'tconsciously plan
their maneuvers. They emerge
from the manipulator's underlying personalitydisorder, and are
played out within the context
of a victim who colludes with, and unwittinglyencourages, the
manipulation. There is a wide rangeof tactics used by manipulators
ranging from verbalthreats to subtle attempts to arrange situations
tosuit the manipulator. For example, one of the morecommon forms of
manipulation is called splitting- turning two people against each
other by talkingto each one behind the back of the other,
gettingthem to dislike or distrust each other, and leavingthe
manipulator in a position of control. They mayuse active techniques
like becoming angry, lying,intimidating, shouting, name-calling or
other bullyingtactics. Or they may use more passive methods
likepouting, sulking,ignoring you, playing the victim, orgiving you
the silenttreatment.
ISIorne manipulators can be described in terms ofbJhaving an
antisocial personality (these people aresometimes called
psychopaths or sociopaths). This isa personality disorder often
associated with criminalbehavior. They feel little compassion for
other people,don't really feel guilty when they do
somethingharmful, pathologically lie, show superficial charm,tend
to be impulsive, and don't take responsibilityfor their own
actions. Changing their ways can posea challenge. Some people who
have a need to nurtureothers may feel that they can help an
antisocialperson change their lives - and this would be aformidable
task.
Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin
SquareChapel Hill, NC 27514
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