Three Men and a Baby - Daily Script - Movie Scripts and ... · PDF fileThree Men and a Baby Written by COLINE SERREAU and ... You're a lifesaver, I've been trying to get away from

Three Men and a Baby

Written by

COLINE SERREAU and

JAMES ORR and

JAMES CRUICKSHANK

November 1986

FOR EDUCATIONALPURPOSES ONLY

2.

THREE MEN AND A BABY

FADE IN:

1 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY 1

On a chartered plane flying from Miami to Newark Airport.

JACK is the captain. His copilot PAUL is seated besidehim. In the passenger cabin, a female gymnastics team iscelebrating a hard-won, glorious victory over the Miamiteam. They are singing, dancing in the aisles anddrinking champagne.

In the rear of the cabin, there are three regular pass-engers: a teenager, his mother, and a man who appears tobe a BUSINESSMAN.

The plane is flying over the coastline.

The partition between the cockpit and the passenger cabinis open. Jack is very excited. He can't stop turningaround to look at the passengers.

JACK(to Paul)

Oh my God! I can't believe myeyes! Look at these women! Willyou look at the gorgeous calves onthem?! I'm telling you, give mean athlete any day... Oh God!Look at that redhead over there,and look at that one! Christ,I hadn't noticed her.

(miming a heart attack)

Paul, I've just fallen madly inlove with the most beautifulwoman in the world...

PAUL(totally uninterested)

Oh yeah? Which one?

JACK(as though about to keel over)

The blonde over there, she's toogorgeous for words. Just look atthose eyes, look at thoseshoulders and the way she moves.I'm in love. Here, take over,I'll be right back.

3.

Jack gets up and Paul takes his place at the controls.Jack makes his way up the aisle, through the girls whoare blocking the way, to the object of his affections.She is sitting in one of the aisle seats and singingher head off. Jack leans over and whispers, quickly andintensely, to her.

JACKHello. I'm the captain of thisplane. May I ask your name?

GIRLSure, my name is Jane. Why?

JACKListen, Jane, I've seen manybeautiful women in my life but Iswear to you, I've never, evermet a woman as exquisite as youare.

Jack kneels down before her, and the Girl looks at him,amused. He takes her hand and places it over his heart.

JACKJane, can you feel my heart? It'spounding. This is horrible, Ithink I'm gonna faint. Listen: I'mmadly in love with you, I'm singleand here's my phone number.

He hands her his business card.

JACKI'm putting my fate in your hands.If you don't call me, you'll makeme the most miserable man on earth.This is no line and I'm not tryingto get you into bed. This issomething completely different. Ilove you Jane and if you call me I'llbe the happiest man in the entireuniverse -- this is 'love at firstsight.' Out of all these beautifulwomen I noticed only you, and...

The Girl laughs as Jack goes on. Meanwhile, the Busi-nessman who was seated in the rear of the plane hasgotten up and walked over to Jack.

BUSINESSMANAre you Paul?

JACKNo, I'm not.

(to Jane)

4.

My name's Jack and I live in afabulous apartment in Manhattanoverlooking the park and...

BUSINESSMANBut you're the pilot, aren't you?

JACKYes, I'm the pilot...

(to Jane)... I'm not even asking for yourphone number...

BUSINESSMANIsn't there a pilot whose name isPaul?

JACK(annoyed)

Yeah, the copilot -- he's upfront...

The Businessman disappears in the direction of thecockpit.

JACK(back to Jane)

I'm leaving it all up to you,Jane, but if you do give meyour phone number, then Jane,then...

The Businessman has reached the cockpit.

BUSINESSMAN(in a low tone)

Are you Paul?

PAUL(turning around nervously)

Yeah... Are you Jim?

BUSINESSMANYeah.

He hands Paul a man's purse.

BUSINESSMANHere's your cash.

PAULWhat about the stuff?

BUSINESSMANI don't have it. We've gotproblems. Too much heat. Too

5.

risky. We think the cops areon to us.

PAULWhadda ya mean us? You mean me?

BUSINESSMANI mean shut up and listen. Twoguys will be waiting for you ina black T-Bird, expecting thedope. Just ignore them. It'llbe delivered to you on Sundayand picked up the followingThursday, okay?

PAULBut I won't be home, I'll be inthe air for two weeks.

BUSINESSMANThat's your problem. Makearrangements, a deal's a deal.Got it!?

PAULGot it.

Jack returns.

JACK(bursting with excitement)

I got her phone number! She gaveme her phone number!

BUSINESSMANThat's some magnificent view,isn't it?

JACKIt's wonderful -- Life iswonderful!

The Businessman goes back to his seat and Jack grabshold of the microphone.

JACKThis is your captain speaking. Inhonor of your victory, in honor ofyour beauty, and in honor of Jane,the most beautiful gymnast I haveever met. I'm going to give you alittle demonstration of aviationgymnastics -- reserved only for themost important guest, hip, hip...

Everyone shouts "HOORAY!" except for Paul and the

6.

Businessman, who remain grim.

Jack dips the plane very low over the water and skims thecliffs along the coast. It is a beautiful, impressivestunt. There are gleeful shouts in the cabin among thepassengers.

2 INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PASSENGER TERMINAL - DAY 2

Jack is saying an emotional goodbye to Jane as she leaveswith her teammates. Jane finds it all very funny, butJack looks totally wretched seeing her go.

Jack and Paul walk toward the exit.

JACKGod, what a woman!

Paul is nervous, glancing uneasily from car to car.

JACKWanna share a cab?

PaulYeah, sure!

A black Ford pulls up in front of them and its driverlooks at Paul who immediately turns his back on him.

JACKShe's so beautiful! I've neverbeen so in love before. Can youbelieve she gave me her phonenumber... Oh, Christ -- where isit?... Oh, no, don't tell me Ilost it... It's a matter of lifeand death... Oh here it is --thank God!

All the while Jack has been rambling on, a beige caron the other side of the street has slowed down. Paulnotices it. In the beige car, a narcotics agent, GRATON,is behind the wheel with one of his colleagues sittingbeside him.

GRATONThey're slowing down. Take apicture.

The colleague snaps a picture of everyone who happens tobe standing near the black Ford, including Jack and Paul.The black Ford pulls out. The beige car follows it.Paul observes all this out of the corner of his eye.

PAULListen, I need a favor, I got

7.

a little problem.

JACKYeah, sure... Hey, look, will you-- look at that sparkling beauty.

A very beautiful woman is coming down the walkway withcart overflowing with luggage. One of them falls off.

PAULYeah... I mean, it's like...There's this little package...

JACKShe'll never make it with allthat luggage she's got. I gottagive her a hand. Look at thecolors in her hair! Christ, I'venever seen a woman like herbefore...

He's about to walk off when Paul grabs him by the arm.

PAULJack, listen, can I...

JACKSure you can, no problem...Listen, I gotta go now, I'mgonna see if she'll share a cabwith me. You take the shuttle,okay?

PAULBut I gotta explain to youabout...

JACKCome over to my place tonight.We're having a huge party. Comearound 9, okay? See ya later.

Jack races toward the woman and begins to help herwith the fallen luggage. We see him talking to herand we can hear a little of what he's saying.

JACKAs exquisite as you are...I think I'm gonna faint.

He kneels, takes her hand and puts it over his heart.The young woman is flabbergasted.

A lonely-looking Paul hails the shuttle bus.

8.

3 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 3

A large, stylishly decorated apartment in Manhattan.A tremendous living room. A party's going on. VeryLOUD JAZZ is PLAYING. The lights are dim. There areabout 30 guests. Lots of young pretty women. Gourmetbuffet. People are sitting on couches talking, othersare eating, drinking or dancing. In a dimly-lit corner,Jack is kneeling before a girl sitting in an armchair.She is laughing as she listens to him.

JACK(whispering passionately)

This is no line and I'm nottrying to get you into bed. Thisis something completely different.This is 'love at first sight.'Oh, I'm so happy... Let me go getyou a glass of champagne. I'llbe right back.

Jack gets up and goes over to the buffet. As soon ashe's out of the girl's line of sight, he starts runningtoward the other end of the apartment. On the way hepasses MICHAEL, who's deeply engrossed in a vehementconversation about modern art with a girl called SOPHIA.They're fighting like cats and dogs but seem to be enjoy-ing it.

SOPHIAAre you saying that's art, areyou really saying that's art?Well then you explain why.

MICHAELIt goes back to prehistoric man.They had comic strips on theirwalls, for God's sake.

JACK(whispering in Michael's ear)

I'm having a hard time. I'mworking on two at once.

MICHAEL(very interested)

Oh yeah, who?

JACKThe brunette in the armchair inthe living room -- her name'sRosalie...

MICHAEL

9.

And the other one?

JACKClementine -- she's waiting forme in the den.

He moves away towards the den.

MICHAEL(to Sophia)

Wait one second for me, I'llbe right back.

Michael walks off in the direction of Rosalie.

Paul is wandering among the guests, trying to find Jack,he sees PETER who is talking with another young woman,NICOLE. Peter is nodding, idly looking around, com-pletely uninterested in the conversation.

NICOLEYou guys have a beautiful placehere. But the rent must be akiller.

Peter isn't paying attention.

NICOLEIsn't it a killer?

PETERWhat?...

PETER (CONT'D)Oh, the rent... yeah, it's highbut split between the three ofus it isn't that bad, as longas we don't eat.

Nicole laughs.

PAULHi Peter, I'm looking for Jack,have you seen him?

PETEROh hi, Paul, how are you doing?Yeah, sure, I'll take you toJack.

(to Nicole)Excuse me for a minute.

They move away.

PETERYou're a lifesaver, I've beentrying to get away from that woman

10.

for 20 minutes. That sonofabitchCarl is moving in on my Natalie.Gotta go... bye.

PAULWait -- What about Jack?

PETER(in a hurry)

He's around somewhere. Checkunder all the couches.

Paul walks off in Jack's direction. We STAY WITH Peter,who reaches Natalie. She is talking with a very styl-ishly-dressed, tall, young man, CARL.

PETEROh Natalie, I've been lookingfor you all night.

CARLAll night? I just saw you deepin conversation with Nicole!

PETERDeep? Hell no, we were justtalking shop.

NATALIEOh come on Peter, we all knowwhat a ladies' man you are.

PETERWho, me? Jack's the ladies' man,not me. You're the only lady I'mafter.

CARL(interrupting)

So tell me, how's your projectcoming along? I heard you're notready yet.

PETERWe've still got two weeks leftbefore the semi-finals. We'llbe ready.

CARLWe've been ready for three daysnow. We're gonna kick your ass.

NATALIETheir project is really incredible.

PETEROh really? You've seen it?

11.

NATALIE(smiling broadly at Carl)

No, it's top secret but he's beentelling me about it...

PETER(in a bad mood)

Ours is incredible too.

CARLIf you ever get it finished.

Paul comes up to Jack, who is kneeling before Clementine,whispering passionate sweet nothings in her ear. Itappears he's gotten beyond the "This is love at firstsight" stage. He's getting down to the nitty-grittynow. Clementine is thrilled. Paul taps Jack on theshoulder.

PAULJack, can I talk to you for asecond?

JACKOh, hi, Paul, yeah sure...

JACK (CONT'D)(to Clementine)

... Please darling, don't move...I'll be right back, okay? I'llbring us back some champagne...

He disappears with Paul.

JACKYou're a lifesaver, Paul. Ithought I'd never get away.Rosalie's waiting for me in theliving room. Isn't sheterrific?

PAULWho? Rosalie?

JACKClementine.

PAULOh yeah, for sure, I dunno.Listen, can you do me a favor?

With some difficulty, Paul follows Jack as he picks hisway through the people dancing, heading in Rosalie'sdirection.

12.

JACKYeah... What kind of favor?Damn, I've got to get hera glass of champagne.

PAULListen, I've got a little problem.I'm having a valuable packagedelivered to me on Sunday, but I'mnot going to be home. I've got todo the Hawaii-Tahiti-Australiaroute, so can I have the packagedelivered here instead?

JACK(filling a glass with champagne)

Yeah, sure, of course.(he stops, thinking)

No, wait, I'm leaving for SouthAmerica tomorrow. I'll be gonefor three weeks.

JACK (CONT'D)But it's okay. Peter and Michaelwill be here. They'll take careof it.

PAULWill you be sure to tell themabout it?

JACKAbsolutely. Don't worry abouta thing.

PAULIt'll be delivered Sunday andpicked up next Thursday, okay?

JACKDelivered Sunday picked upThursday. Got it. No problem.

PAULThis is a very delicate matter,Jack. It's very important theydon't tell anybody about thispackage. It could be very... uh,embarrassing for me, you knowwhat I'm saying?

JACKSure. You got it. I'll see youlater...

13.

Jack is about to rejoin Rosalie. Paul grabs his arm.

PAULNot to anyone at all. Tellthem that, okay?

JACKOkay, sure, not to anyone atall... Look, I'm sorry Paul, butI gotta get back to Rosalie. Nowgo have a good time. I'll takecare of everything.

PAULBye and thanks a lot.

JACKDon't mention it.

Paul leaves.

Jack finally reaches the armchair where Rosalie issitting. He stops short, obviously disappointed.

JACKUh-oh. Too late.

Michael is sitting next to Rosalie, right next to her.They get up to dance. As he passes Jack, Michaelsmiles broadly.

MICHAELAll's fair, old buddy...

Jack watches a moment, then breaks into a wide smile.

JACK(singing)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,oh my darling Clementine.

Jack whirls around and heads back towards Clementine.

4 INT. APARTMENT - FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT 4

The guests are leaving. Commotion in the hall, peopleare saying goodbye to Peter and Michael.

Natalie is about to walk out.

PETERNatalie, why don't you stay for anightcap?

NATALIENo, I've gotta get up early...

14.

CARL(to Natalie)

Do you care to share a cab?

NATALIEOh yes, thanks -- that's reallynice of you...

CARL(smiling triumphantly; to Peter)

Good night, Peter.

PETER(with a forced smile)

Good night, Carl... I'll callyou Sunday, Natalie.

She has already left. The door closes on the last of thedeparting guests.

MICHAELSo you struck out again withNatalie, huh? That Carl is areal smooth operator.

PETERHe's an asshole!

(mimicking Carl)'I heard you're not ready yet.''We're gonna kick your ass.' Well,we may be behind schedule, butwe're still going to beat thatsonofabitch and maybe I haven'tscored with Natalie yet, butneither has he. She's not an easylay, that's what I like about her.You know what they say: it ain'tover till it's over.

Peter and Michael go into the living room. Peter ispicking up glasses. Michael is emptying ashtrays intothe wastebasket.

MICHAELWell, I didn't do so well either-- I blew it with Rosalie. Idon't even know how...

PETERWho's Rosalie?

MICHAELThat beauty I managed to swipe

15.

from Jack. I was about to askher to stay the night when...

PETERYour old friend Sophia appearedand got you involved in a thrillingconversation about modern art,and meanwhile Rosalie...

MICHAELHow could you know that?

PETERMichael, all you want to do issteal Jack's girl friends. Youdon't give a shit about the womenthemselves...

MICHAELThat's not true. It's just thatSophia drives me crazy. She knowsall the right buttons to push tomake me mad.

PETER(going into the

kitchen)Anyway, it was a great party,everyone had a good time...

MICHAEL(still in the living room, shouting to Peter)

Terrific... time.

He, too, leaves the living room and runs into Jack, whohas his arm around Clementine's waist as he heads towardhis bedroom with her.


In the kitchen Peter is straightening up. Michael joinshim, dumping the ashes. Peter begins washing the glasses.

PETERWhere's Jack? Did he leave?

MICHAELNo, he's cuddling up with a blondenamed Clementine...

PETERThat's not Clementine. I saw himdoing his famous routine withChristie...

16.

MICHAELNo, it is Clementine, the one withthe tits this big...

PETERChristie's got tits that big,too...

MICHAELYeah, but he was with Christie atthe beginning of the evening --after that he was with Rosalieand then with Clementine. Andsince I stole Rosalie away fromhim... Are you following this?

PETERI'm not.

Jack enters the kitchen in very high spirits, singing.

JACKNice work if you can get it, andyou can get it if you try... Anyscotch left?

PETERYeah, here, I just put it away.

JACKSorry I can't give you guys ahand, but I've got somethingcooking.

PETERI thought you were leaving atdawn for South America?

JACKI am, the night's still young!...It's gonna be a lively one. I'mgonna make us a little snack.

He makes up a tray with sandwiches.

MICHAELSo, who is it anyway -- Christieor Clementine?

JACKMaxine. Beautiful, enchantingMaxine.

Peter and Michael look at one another surprised, mouthingsilently, "Maxine?"

17.

JACKHey, Michael -- how'd it go withRosalie?

MICHAELWell, things were going greatuntil...

JACKYour old friend Sophia appearedand dragged you into a thrillingconversation about modern art andin the meantime Rosalie took offwith someone else.

MICHAELHow did you know?

JACKI dunno -- lucky guess...

MICHAELWell, I don't give a damn anyway,I have 24 drawings to hand in tomy editor three days from now andI gotta work all night anyway...So it was all for the best. Butyou better not leave that Maxine'sphone number lying around becausewhen I'm done...

JACKDon't worry, I'll leave you herphone number on the hall table.If she's really terrific I'll puta big 'X' next to it. 'Bye, guys-- love ya. I won't wake youtomorrow morning. See you inthree weeks...

6 INT. APARTMENT - DAWN 6

Jack and Maxine noiselessly exit the apartment. Jack iswearing his pilot's uniform. Maxine pushes the buttonfor the elevator. Jack sneaks back into the apartmentand leaves a note on the hall table that says: "Maxine227-2013." Next to the number Jack has put a big "X."

7 EXT. STREET IN FRONT OF APARTMENT - DAWN 7

Jack and Maxine exchange a brief kiss and go theirseparate ways.

8 EXT./INT. NEWARK AIRPORT - PLANE 8

18.

Jack is in the cockpit with his copilot, RON. TheENGINES are REVVING. Jack is checking gauges. He looksout the window idly and sees:

The crew of another plane walking across the tarmac.Paul is one of the crew. Paul sees Jack and begins togesture wildly, but his voice is drowned out by the noiseof the ENGINES.

Just seeing Paul is enough to remind Jack about hispackage.

JACKDamn! I forgot to tell them aboutthe package!

(to Ron)I gotta make a quick phone call.I'll be right back.

RON(knowingly)

Jack, there'll be plenty of girlswhere we're going.

JACKOh, c'mon, I've really got tomake a phone call! What do youthink I'm going to do, pick upone of the New Jersey delegatesto the I.B.M. convention?

Jack walks back towards the phone. As he walks we seethat the plane is filled with ugly, boring businessmen.

9 INT. ARCHITECTURE OFFICE - DAY 9

In the architecture firm of which Peter is one of threepartners. The whole staff, about 15 people in all, isgathered around a large model, the project for a bigamusement park. They all seem worried about something.JERRY, one of Peter's partners, seems particularly angry.

JERRYThe model's not finished, theblueprints are a mess and you mayas well forget the specs, they'rea disaster! I know we're talented.I know we're good. Then why is itwe can never get organized? Whyis it we're always behind schedule?

JAYLook, Jerry, architects sinceLeonardo have always been behindschedule. It's a tradition, for

19.

God's sake. Why break withtradition?

JERRYBecause this is the chance of alifetime for our company, andthere happens to be a deadline.There are millions of dollarsat stake here. And our maincompetition had their project inthree days ago!

PETERYeah, but word around town istheir project's a piece ofshit!

JERRYOf course, it's a piece of shit,but it's a ready piece of shit.

JAYWe're just going to have to buckledown, that's all.

JERRYYou're damn right we are. Startingnow, everybody works around theclock! Everybody! We have twoweeks to be ready for the semi-final selection. And we will beready. And we will win. You wantto know why we'll win?

JAYBecause we're gonna cheat.

PETERI'll go bribe the judges!

JERRYI don't think this is a jokingmatter, gentlemen.

PETERCome on, Jerry...

A SECRETARY enters.

SECRETARYThere's an urgent call for you,Peter.

PETERI'm not in.

20.

SECRETARYIt's Jack -- he says it's 'superimportant...'

Peter picks up the phone.

PETERHi... yeah... listen, make itquick, I'm in a meeting here...yeah, a package... okay...someone'll drop it off Sundayand pick it up Thursday...No problem ... yeah... we'llput it aside, okay... no, no,we won't tell anybody about it...Is that it?... Right, we won'ttell anyone... Hey -- love 'n'kisses to the Brazilian girls,vaya con dios, old buddy.

Peter hangs up, laughing. Jerry gives him a dirty look.

PETERWhat?

10 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 10

Peter, dressed in casual clothes, knocks on the door ofMichael's room, and peeks in.

Michael is asleep fully clothed on his bed. His drawingtable is strewn with papers, overflowing ashtrays andempty coffee cups. The lamp is still on.

PETERI'm going out for bagels -- howmany you want, three or four?

MICHAEL(opening one eye)

What time is it?

PETEREleven-thirty.

MICHAELA.M. or P.M.?

PETERA.M. C'mon, up 'n' at 'em.

MICHAELUp 'n' at 'em yourself, asshole-- I just went to bed.

PETER

21.

Did you finish?

MICHAELNah, I didn't get anywhere.

PETERWell then... nap time's over.Back to work. So how many bagels,three or four?

MICHAELSix, six!

He buries his head under the pillow.

11 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY 11

Peter opens the front door, he stumbles over an object,looks down; at his feet he sees a wicker basket linedwith pretty pink-and-white checked gingham. In thebasket a tiny baby lies fast asleep, her head gentlyresting on a lace pillow. Peter looks at this objectin amazement. There is an envelope pinned to the basketwith the words, "FOR JACK" written on it. Peter picks upthe letter -- he opens it and reads.

PETER(to himself)

You gotta be kidding!

Abruptly he turns and races back to Michael's room.

PETERMichael! Michael!

MICHAEL(still groggy)

What?

PETERGet your ass out here and seewhat's on the doorstep.

(mutters)This has gotta be somebody's ideaof a joke!

They run to the front door.

MICHAELWhat is it?

PETERLook for yourself.

MICHAELIt's a basket with a baby in it.

22.

PETERNo shit.

(reads Michael the letter)

'Dearest Jack, here is the fruitof our love. Take good care ofher. I have to go to Europe andJapan for six months, her name isMary. Good luck, Love, Sylvia.'

MICHAELWhat are we going to do with it?

PETERGive it back to her mother, that'swhat.

MICHAELBut it says she went to Europe.

PETERWell, we'll see about that, d'youhave her phone number?

MICHAELWhose phone number?

SYLVIAThe girl's... Sylvia's...

MICHAELWhy the hell would I have hernumber? I've never even heardof this chick!

PETERYou mean you don't know who sheis?

MICHAELNo way. If I had to keep trackof all Jack's girlfriends, I'dhave to be a full-time secretary.

PETERWell, what are we gonna do?

MICHAELHey, look, she's waking up...Hey, look, she's crying...

PETEROh no, this can't be happening!She's not gonna start to cry now?!

MICHAEL

23.

Uh-oh, now she's really crying!

PETERWhat's her problem?

MICHAELMaybe she's hungry?

PETERWell, what are we s'posed to do?

MICHAELFeed her, I guess...

PETERYeah, but what?

MICHAELSoft stuff... I guess.

PETER(exploding)

Oh no, I swear to God this isunreal! Can you believe thatbastard Jack?! 'A little package,'he tells me on the phone, 'justput it aside till Thursday.' Putit aside -- can you believe him!?

MICHAELReally? Jack said that?

PETERYeah and he also said 'don't tellanyone about it -- anyone at all.'

MICHAELOh, so he told you about this?

PETERYeah, he told me a package wouldbe coming today, but he didn'tsay it'd be this!

MICHAEL(very angrily)

Boy, he's got a helluva nerve!

PETERJust listen to the racket she'smaking! What are we s'posed todo?

MICHAEL(brilliant idea)

Let's call Jack's mother!

24.

PETERShe lives in Miami for Christsake.She can't stop the baby cryingfrom Miami.

MICHAELWell, just to ask her advice...

PETERNo, he said not to tell anyone...

MICHAELBut this is an emergency!

PETERNo! No way! You know what a painthat woman is -- she'll be on thenext plane here to move in withus...

MICHAELMaybe I should call my mother...

PETERNo, please -- leave the mothersout of this, okay?! It's onlyfour days. We should be able tohandle that, besides you knowthe rule around here: it's fineto have a woman over once in awhile, but...

Michael finishes the sentence in unison with him.

PETER AND MICHAEL... never for more than one nightat a time!

PETERAnd that includes mothers!

Peter steps over the basket and heads towards theelevator.

MICHAELWhere are you going?!

PETERI'm going to the store to buysome baby food.

MICHAELWhat am I supposed to do whileyou're gone?

PETERPick her up and hold her.

25.

MICHAEL(panic-stricken)

Whaddya mean, pick her up? I'venever held a baby -- I'll dropher!

Peter is already gone.

12 INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 12

Peter enters the store and rushes right over to a storeCLERK.

PETERWhat aisle's baby food on?

CLERKDown there by the meat section.

Peter heads for it purposefully. When he gets to theright aisle, he stops short, taken aback: a vast rangeof products extends before him. He starts examining thebaby food jars and cans of formulas, going from one tothe next, not knowing where to begin.


Michael is still in the hall holding Mary very clumsilyin his arms. He is anxious. He realizes she's soaked.This disgusts him. He holds her at arm's length; shesquirms. He goes and gets a towel from the bathroom,spreads it out on the living room couch and lays thebaby down on it. MARY SCREAMS -- she much prefersMichael's arms to the couch. A panicky Michael picks herup again, grumbling.

MICHAELOkay, okay, don't cry like that...I'll hold you, I'll hold you.

He tries rather unsuccessfully to wrap the towel aroundthe child. Obviously Michael is very put off by thesmell coming from Mary.


Peter is talking with a Safeway CLERK, a woman in her50's, who is tall and heavy, somewhat gruff and masculinein appearance, and wearing slacks and a smock.

PETERSo what's the best brand?

26.

STORE CLERKDepends on what your pediatricianrecommends.

PETEROh right, the pediatrician...But which one sells the most?

STORE CLERK(pointing to a can)

This kind.

PETEROh, so this is the best kind?

STORE CLERKIt's the cheapest.

PETERThen it's the worst kind?

STORE CLERKThey're all good, sir.

PETER(pointing to another can)

Oh, okay, then I can take thiskind.

STORE CLERKIt's got iron in it.

PETEROh. Is that good or bad?

STORE CLERKIt's very good.

PETERWell, why don't they all haveiron in them?

STORE CLERKSome babies are allergic to iron.

PETER(pointing to yet another can)

Oh, okay, well I'll take thiskind then.

STORE CLERKThat kind doesn't have any milkin it.

27.

PETEROh, I see, there's milk with nomilk in it?

STORE CLERKSome babies are allergic to milk.

PETERSo what's the stuff that nobabies are allergic to?

STORE CLERKSoy formula.

PETEROh, okay, I'll take the soy formula.

He takes a can.

STORE CLERKThat one's Advance.

PETEROh really? What's Advance?

STORE CLERKHow old's your baby?

PETER(Peter tries to estimate Mary's size)

Uh... about this old.


MARY is SCREAMING in Michael's arms as he walks her upand down the whole apartment. Now there are three towelswrapped around her. Michael is exasperated. He angrilysings her a lullaby.

MICHAELRock-a-bye baby on the tree top...

MICHAEL (CONT'D)Stop crying now; c'mon, stop...quit it, will you?... When the windblows, the cradle will rock...What is that jerk doing? Milkingthe cows or something?... Whenthe bough breaks the cradle willfall...

MARY only SCREAMS LOUDER.

28.


Now Peter is surrounded by three women arguing: TheStore Clerk standing with her arms crossed and haughtilylooking down on everyone; an efficient, practical sortof young woman (WOMAN #1); and another thin, pale womanwhose baby is lying in a baby carrier in her shoppingcart and who seems very nervous (WOMAN #2).

WOMAN #1Does she have any teeth yet ornot? That would give us a clueas to how old she is.

PETERI haven't looked.

STORE CLERK(coolly disagree- ing; to Woman #1)

My grandson's only five months oldand he already has two teeth.But my daughter didn't have asingle one at seven months -- so,y'know, how many teeth they have...doesn't mean a thing.

WOMAN #2But didn't those friends of yourstell you what formula they usuallygive the baby?

PETER(embarrassed)

No, actually they had to leaveunexpectedly. They had to catcha plane...

WOMAN #1(to Peter)

Is she teething?

PETERTeething?

WOMAN #1Does she drool? Does she cry allnight long? Does she chew on herfists? Does she put everythinginto her mouth?

She acts out her words.

PETERI know she can't talk.

WOMAN #2

29.

But didn't those friends ofyours tell you how old she was?

PETER(as Woman #2 is starting to get on his nerves)

I told you they had to leaveunexpectedly.

WOMAN #1Or else you could weigh her; thatwould tell you how old she is.

STORE CLERKSee, my five-month-old grandsonweighs more than my neighbor'sgrandson and he's nine months old.So, y'know, how much they weigh...doesn't mean a thing.

PETERSo what about me? What should Ibuy?

WOMAN #2Didn't they even tell you thepediatrician's name?

PETER(still calm)

No. They didn't.

WOMAN #2You sure have weird friends.

PETERYou have no idea how weird.

WOMAN #1Or else her hair. Does she havelots of hair?

STORE CLERKMy grandson, y'know, he has somuch hair you can make a ponytailwith it! And I know some kidswho are totally bald at a year-and-a-half. So, y'know, how muchhair they have... doesn't mean athing...

WOMAN #1(sarcastic)

Gee, he's really something, yourgrandson -- is he good at mathtoo?

30.

Peter starts to pick cans off the shelf.

PETERLook, ladies, thanks for all theadvice. But I think I'll justtake one of each. To be on thesafe side.

STOCK CLERK(to Peter)

Don't forget -- if the baby'sless than three months old, youhave to be sure to sterilize thebottles.

Peter stops and turns back.

PETERWhat bottles?

WOMAN #2You know what? This must be akidnapping.


Michael is rapidly pacing up and down the apartment,vigorously rocking Mary. As soon as he sits downanywhere to rest, MARY SCREAMS, so Michael pops backup and begins the marathon all over again.

MICHAELMary had a little lamb, littlelamb, little lamb, if that jerkisn't back in three seconds Iswear I'll throw her down thegarbage chute... Mary had alittle lamb, little lamb...

The DOORBELL RINGS.

MICHAELWell, it's about goddamn time!

He hurries towards the door, grabs the knob and throws itopen.

MICHAELWhere the hell have you been?

He stops. Before him stands the apartment MANAGER, Mrs.Razzolini, a squat little woman with a moustache.

MICHAELOh -- Hi, Mrs. Razzolini!

31.

MANAGERThis package came for you...Oh! What a cute little baby!Is it yours?

MICHAELNo, it's not me, I mean she'snot mine...

MANAGEROh, so it's Peter's?

MICHAELNo, no, it's Jack's, I mean it'snot Jack's, it's... someone loanedit to us, I mean someone...

MANAGERAnd what's the little girl's name?

MICHAELMary.

MANAGEROoh, what a pwetty wittle name,Mary! I didn't know you had ababy...

MICHAELYeah, well, I have to put her tobed now.

MANAGERYou have to put her to bed? Where'sMary's mommy?

MICHAELShe's... she's not here. She'llbe back soon.

Michael starts to close the door. She pushes it backopen and holds out the package.

MANAGEROh here, this just came for you.They just dropped it off. CanI hold her for a second?

MICHAELWell, like, y'see... she doesn'tlike to be held by strangers...

The apartment Manager has already given Michael thepackage and grabbed Mary. She covers her with kisses.Mary smiles. Michael absent-mindedly looks at thepackage.

32.

MANAGERShe loves to be held by strangers!Hey, she's soaking wet hmm, noI think it's number 2. Want meto give you a hand changing her?

MICHAELOh no, don't worry, I'm usedto it.

(faking a smile)Well, so long, Mrs. Razzolini.

MANAGER'Bye, Mary, I'll come back tovisit.

Mrs. Razzolini regretfully hands the baby back. Nosooner is MARY back in Michael's arms than she SCREAMSher head off.

He closes the door; his smile instantly fades.

MICHAELWhat a leech! And that otheridiot isn't back yet!

He throws the package onto an armchair in the hall.

MICHAELSo you love to be held bystrangers, do you?


In the baby food aisle there are now five women arguing.Peter, his arms still laden with cans, looks uncomfort-able.

WOMAN #2This guy doesn't even know how oldhis baby is and you don't findthat strange?

WOMAN #1This guy asked for advice, I'mgiving him advice, Okay? If you'reso paranoid, why don't you runhome and chain your kid to hiscrib?

WOMAN #2Anyway, I think someone should callthe cops.

WOMAN #1

33.

The cops, the cops -- I bet youcall the cops every time yourcat pisses on the carpet.

Peter slips away.


Peter comes in with bags in his arms.

Michael, holding the baby, dashes toward him, extremelypissed off.

MICHAELWhat the hell were you doing?You've been gone for hours! Thisdamn kid's been crying the wholetime. I've got a lot betterthings to do with my time! You'rea real pain in the ass!

PETER(flabbergasted)

Hey, how dare you speak to me likethat! You've never spoken to melike that before...

MICHAELWell, what the hell took you solong? What'd you do, go out forbreakfast or something? I didn'teven have time for a cup ofcoffee, for chrissakes.

PETERWill you please cut it out for asecond, huh? I didn't have anycoffee either, it took me foreverat the goddamn Safeway.

MICHAELOkay, well, here -- take the kid,I've got work to do.

PETERWhaddaya mean, take the kid? Ican't hold her and make her bottleat the same time. And why shouldI be the one to hold her?

MICHAEL'Cause, it's your problem. Youfound this kid.

PETERHey, asshole, I'm the one who found

34.

her because I'm the one who wasgonna get you some bagels foryour breakfast, and...

MICHAELJesus, there she goes again! Wegotta feed her something.

PETERYeah, well you just don't feed ababy. First you gotta look andsee if she has any teeth or not.

MICHAELWhy?

PETERTo figure out how old she is sowe know what to feed her, that'swhy.

Peter attempts to look into Mary's mouth but she squirms.

MICHAELDo you look on top or bottom?

PETERHow do I know?

MICHAELTry feeling with your finger.

Peter slides his finger over Mary's gums.

PETERI can't feel anything -- I'llgive her the stuff for newbornsand hope she's not allergic toit.

Peter starts off toward the kitchen, Michael follows.

PETERAnd then we'll have to see ifshe's allergic to iron, to soyor to milk -- you can't imaginehow much stuff they can beallergic to!

MICHAELShe's soaking wet -- did you buyany diapers?

PETERDiapers?

MICHAEL

35.

(furious)Figures. I'll take care ofthis, it'll save time.

He sticks Mary in Peter's arms, right on top of the bags,and storms out.

19A INT. SAFEWAY - DAY 19A

Michael rushes in and stops short in front of the moun-tains of diaper boxes that he starts examining in bewil-derment. Finally, he approaches the Store Clerk.

MICHAELExcuse me, miss, could you tellme which diapers are the mostabsorbent?

STORE CLERKI would suggest the ones that say'ultra-absorbent.'

MICHAELYeah, but which are better: 20-35pounds or 12-24 pounds?

STORE CLERK(suspiciously)

Depends how much your baby weighs.

MICHAELOh right, how much she weighs...

STORE CLERK(threateningly)

You wouldn't happen to have afriend who came in here a littlewhile ago, would you?

Michael grabs just any box of diapers.

MICHAELI have no idea what you're talkingabout! He's no friend of mine.

Michael takes off very, very quickly.

20 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 20

Mary, in Peter's arms, is devouring her bottle.

PETEROh shit, my slacks! Goddamnher, she took a crap!

36.

21 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY 21

Peter and Michael have laid Mary down on the couch,taking care to place several towels between her bottomand the immaculate velvet. Mary is squirming, laughing,feeling great. They have already gone through halfa box of cotton in their attempts to clean up thecrap. But it's still all over, on their hands, on thebaby's feet and legs, on the towels, etc.

PETERHold her. Hold her, goddamn it!

MICHAELI can't hold her. This kid'sout of control here!

PETERJust gimme the cotton.

Michael lets go of Mary's feet and she sticks them backin the crap.

PETEROh for chrissake, don't just letgo of her!

MICHAELThen get the cotton yourselfif you don't want me to letgo of her!

Peter grabs a huge wad of cotton.

PETERTake the towels off -- They'refull of shit.

MICHAELBut the couch'll get dirty!

PETERYeah, but she keeps getting it allover herself. Man, this shit issticky!... We need cleaning fluidor something to get it off...

MICHAELHow 'bout after-shave?

PETERAre you kidding?! Waste our SaintLaurent on babyshit?

MICHAELOkay, let's just put the diaper

37.

on and the hell with it.

PETERRight.

Michael hands him a diaper. Peter tries to figure outhow it goes on.

PETERThese tape things -- do theygo on the front or the back?

MICHAELHow am I supposed to know...?

Peter tries to slide the diaper under Mary's backsidebut she squirms and kicks it off with her feet.

PETERHold her under her arms -- I'mgonna try it this way.

Michael holds Mary under her armpits. Peter tries to putthe diaper on her. It's hard. What's more, it wouldseem that Michael didn't buy the right size -- Thediaper comes all the way up to Mary's chin.

PETERWhat the hell kind of lousystinking diapers did you get?They're way too big!

MICHAELI don't think they're too big --They're ultra-absorbent. That'sall. The more absorbent thebetter.

Peter has more or less managed to adjust the diaper.

PETERHow the hell do these tapethings work? Hold her forchrissakes!

MICHAELMy arms are getting tired.

PETERThere. I got it.

He tapes the diaper closed.

PETERDamn it. I didn't make it tightenough.

38.

He tapes the other side: the diaper gapes and sags.

MICHAELIt's not working... What aboutlaying her down?

PETERGo ahead... No, not on the towels,they're all covered with crap...

Michael lays Mary down right on the couch. Peter vigor-ously undoes the tape, and the whole PLASTIC lining RIPSapart.

PETER... What the hell is this friggin'mess? Oh, man, this isunbelievable! To think, theybombard us day and night withtheir goddamn TV commercials! Andwill you look at this junk? Thisstuff is pure shit -- You tape itclosed, it sags, you undo the tape:bingo -- the whole goddamn thingfalls apart!

MICHAEL(taking another diaper)

Well, whaddya expect, if you pullon it like an ape, it's gonna rip!

PETERMichael, will you give me a break,will you please?

Peter takes the torn diaper off. MARY utters a TINY CRYand pees copiously all over the velvet couch.

PETER(exploding)

Oh shit! Now she's pissing. Lookat the couch. The sneaky littlebitch was just waiting for me toget the diaper off, then whammo...

Mary gives them a big smile.

PETERI happen to like my furniture.I'm going out to get some realdiapers. You can clean the couchup in the meantime.

He exits, slamming the door.

22 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 22

39.

Michael is cleaning the couch with Mary in his arms.

23 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DAY 23

Mary is wearing only a diaper. Peter wraps her in oneof his sweaters.


Michael is throwing a heap of used cotton and dirtydiapers into the garbage can. He's rather disgusted bythem.

25 INT. LVING ROOM - DAY 25

Peter is cutting apart a plastic bag and lining thebottom of the basket with it as a protective sheet.


Michael is washing out a bottle.


Peter is rocking the basket by its handles to put Maryto sleep.

28 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 28

Michael is washing Mary's clothes.


PETER (on the phone)

I need to reach Jack Collins, he'sone of your pilots... No, I don'tknow exactly where he is, but hewas supposed to be flying theMiami-Caracas-Rio route... The guywho proposed to you?... Oh, didhe?... Well, congratulations.Please... listen to me... youmust contact him and tell him he'sgot to call home immediately.Okay? It's an emergency, afamily problem... No, don't worry,he's not married to someone else.It's another kind of family

40.

problem... Of course he stillloves you. But he's been reallybusy lately. So anyway, pleasetry to get in touch with him, it'sreal important... I can count onyou then?... Good. Thanks.Goodbye!... Right, see you at thewedding.

Peter hangs up.


Michael and Peter are finally drinking a cup of coffeeat the kitchen table. In silence.


Peter and Michael are standing beside the basket. MARYis SCREAMING; they are bewildered.

PETERMaybe she's allergic to something?

MICHAELOr maybe she's hungry again.

PETERAlready?


Peter is making the bottle, Michael is holding MARY, whois CRYING.

MICHAELMake it snappy, will ya, she'sfamished.


Mary is in Peter's arms voraciously sucking her bottle.He watches her.


Michael is washing out the bottle.


Peter is about to lay Mary down in her bed. He puts his

41.

hand on her backside, then picks her up again.

PETEROh shit, she's soaking wet again.


Michael is rinsing out Peter's sweater.


On the couch, Peter is struggling with the diapers.


Michael has set the basket on a serving cart. He pushesit back and forth until MARY STOPS CRYING.


Mary is sleeping like an angel.

40 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DUSK 40

Michael and Peter are in the doorway. A stormy argumentis going on.

MICHAELOh no you're not, you're not gonnaleave me alone with her.

PETERI told you -- I have a date.

MICHAELYou rotten bastard -- do you seeme going out on any dates?

PETERLook, it's with Natalie -- I'vebeen after her for months already.

MICHAELSo what! If you leave me alonewith this kid, I swear I'll packup and be outta here by morning.

PETERYou're a real drag, y'know?Tonight was gonna be my big night!Now I bet it's gonna be Carl's bignight.

42.

He exits, violently slamming the door behind him.Michael sits back down, grumbling.

44 INT. PETER'S ROOM - DUSK 44

Peter is making a phone call. He has Mary in his arms.He's in a foul mood.

PETERHello, Natalie? It's Peter.Listen, I'm really screwed. Jerryjust called and we've run into asnag with the blueprints for thecompetition, it's an emergency.I've gotta go over to the officeright away, I think it's gonna bean all-nighter... Of course Ididn't know about this yesterday --he just called me.

Mary reaches out and begins to jab the buttons on thephone. Peter pulls her back.

PETERHello? Hello?... No, I'm nottrying to hang up on you. We'rehaving some problems with thephone, that's all... No, Natalie,there's no one else here! You'rethe only woman I... I swear I'mnot lying to you... What? You'regoing to call Carl?

(furious)Okay, go ahead, call him if youwant. I don't give a shit... Ofcourse I'm not jealous. Whatmakes you think I'm jealous?

45 INT. KITCHEN - EVENING 45

Peter and Michael are silently eating sandwiches at acorner of the kitchen table. Peter is fuming. Michaelglances at him out of the corner of his eye.

46 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 46

Michael, completely zonked, is changing Mary as best hecan. Peter sits, waiting, on the couch.


Peter is rocking the basket, as if in a trance. Michael

43.

goes back to sleep on the couch.


Peter is talking on the phone. He has Mary in his arms.

PETER(on the phone)

Jerry, hi, it's Peter. Listen,I've run into some problems, Ican't make it today...

(holding the receiver at arm's length from his ear)

... Hey, take it easy, will you...I'm sick. Seriously ill. I'mburning up... The doctor had tocome, I've gotta stay in bed tillFriday.

(shouting to drown out Jerry shouting)

Hey, hey, hey, I'll work round theclock all weekend long... I swear,Jerry, I am not lying to you...


Peter, wearing a coat, enters carrying packages that heputs down in the living room, now transformed into anursery. A makeshift changing table, rubber wash basin,baby clothes, baby lotion, talcum powder, soap and babyshampoo, etc. are all over the place. He drops all hispurchases on the floor, sits down on the couch and picksup a book, in which he's instantly absorbed: we see fromthe cover that it's a book on children.


Peter is lying on his bed now surrounded by dozens ofbaby-care books. Many of which are open. He's readingthem with great passion, and making notes.

51 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 51

Michael is sitting on the floor surrounded by hisdrawings. Mary is lying next to him.

MICHAEL(on the phone)

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Oxman,but I've run into a few problems,I won't be able to bring you thedrawings tomorrow morning as I

44.

promised. In fact, it won't beuntil the day after tomorrow atthe soonest.

Michael sees Mary kick over a bottle of india ink overhis drawings. He winces.

MICHAEL(into phone)

On second thought, Mr. Oxman...uh, better make that the end ofnext week.

(shouting on the other end)

Please don't get upset, Mr. Oxman.I'll do everything possible toget them to you sooner... You havemy word... I apologize again,Mr. Oxman... Thank you again,Mr. Oxman. Goodb...

(an audible click)

... Mr. Oxman? Hello, Mr. Oxman?

52 INT. LIVING ROOM - DUSK 52

The living room is a total mess. A harrassed Peter,lying on the floor, dreamily watches Mary who is lyingon her tummy in a sheet, playing with a SQUEAKY RUBBERGIRAFFE. They look at each other, as sober as judges.


Peter and Michael are asleep in their bathrobes on theliving room couches.

Peter has a child care book over his face. MARY, in herbasket, wakes up and utters a FEW LITTLE NOISES. Thetwo men jump up and go over to her basket like robots.

Mary looks at them and smiles.

54 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 54

Michael is giving her night feeding. Mary is fallingasleep in his arms; the nipple falls out of her mouth,which goes on sucking anyway. Michael is falling asleep,too, his head lolling over to one side.


The living room is back to normal, spic 'n' span.They've gotten rid of all the baby paraphernalia. The

45.

basket is on one of the couches. Mary is asleep.

On the basket are warm clothes for outdoors, a bonnet anda coat, a full bottle, cans of formula, toilet articles,and a pile of diapers.

Seated on the couches facing each other, Peter andMichael are waiting for something.

MICHAELHe didn't say what time?

PETERAll he said was Thursday.

MICHAELTerrific! -- We could rot heretill eight o'clock tonight.

PETERWell, I'm prepared to rot heretill midnight if I have to, aslong as we get rid of her.

MICHAELJack really could have called. Hehas to have gotten our message bynow.

PETERWell, when he does call, I'm gonnalet him have it! That sonofabitchis on the beaches of Brazilproposing to the whole goddamnworld. And we're here living inhell! He's gonna get his ass onthe next plane back here.Vacation's over, Jack-baby, youbetter believe it.

MICHAEL(angrily)

Damn right!(beat softer)

It's almost time for her bottle,you know.

PETEROh hell!

56 EXT. STREET - DAY 56

On the street two men drive by on a motorcycle looking atthe numbers on the apartment buildings. They stop a fewyards from the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack'sbuilding.

46.

They are being followed by the beige Chevy that pullsahead of them and parks just beyond them. In this carwe recognize Graton sitting with a partner.

The two men, who look like young tough guys (punks), getoff their motorcycle and disappear into the lobby of thebuilding.

Graton gets out of his car and heads for the building.He glances into the lobby, then goes in. He watches theelevator floor indicator, notes the floor it stops on,then calmly returns to his car.


Peter and Michael are still sitting on the living roomcouches. The DOORBELL RINGS. Michael springs up andruns to open the door. Peter follows him.

On the doorstep stand the TWO PUNKS. One of them isshort and speaks with a heavy Brooklyn accent. Theother, tall, thin and creepy-looking, stands behind hisbuddy and doesn't speak.

PUNK #1Jack Collins live here?

MICHAELYes, he does.

PUNK #1We came for the package.

PETERPackage? Oh that's cute,referring to her as a package!Anyway, you can tell Sylvia she'sa lousy stinking bitch.

PUNK #1Sylvia?

PETERYeah, Sylvia! You can tell hershe's got a hell of a nervedumping her problems into ourlaps!

PUNK #1(nervously)

Problems? Did you guys havetrouble?

MICHAEL(sarcastically)

47.

He wants to know if we had trouble!

PETERDo you have any idea what it'sbeen like around here for thepast four days?

MICHAELShe could have at least given usa phone number or the name ofsomeone to contact...

PUNK #1(surprised)

I don't get it. Didn't they tellyou we were gonna be here today?

MICHAELSure they told us! So what?That doesn't make the last fourdays any less hellish than theywere!

PETERWell, anyway, they're here now,that's all that matters!

Peter turns and walks toward the basket.

PETERThe next bottle's in 45 minutes.I made it already. It's in thebasket.

PUNK #1Bottle? Whadda ya mean, bottle?

MICHAELAbout an hour after her bottle,she starts yawning. Put her tobed right away or it's pure hellfor the next three hours, at leastthat's what we've noticed.

Peter has returned with the basket. The Punks look atthe baby, their eyes wide with disbelief.

PUNK #1What the hell is that? A baby?

PETER(sarcastic)

No, it's a very short teenager.Of course it's a baby! Now listencarefully: I'm giving you a canof the milk she's been getting.She loves it, and more importantly,

48.

she's not allergic to it. I evenput a can of the same brand inhere for you, but in powdered form,understand?

Punk #1 hears "powder" and catches on.

PUNK #1Oh! I get it! Powdered milk!Very clever!

PETERYeah, right... real clever...Okay, here. She's all yours.Good luck.

He hands them the basket. Punk #1 grabs the handles.

PUNK #1Okay, I got it. You can take herout now.

PETERTake what out? I'm not takinganything out.

PUNK #1Wait a minute, I don't get it!We take the basket and the milk,that's all. We ain't gonna takethe... what's inside.

PETERWhadda ya mean, what's inside?

MICHAELYou take it all, man! It's apackage deal!

PUNK #1But what are we s'posed to dowith it?

MICHAELHow do I know? You take itwhere they told you to take it.

PUNK #1Y'mean, I take it to theconnection?

MICHAELYeah, whatever you want to callit.

PUNK #1Are you sure that's the plan?

49.

MICHAELYou bet that's the plan! We'renot keeping her one more second.

PUNK #1Okay, if that's the plan...

He passes the basket to Punk #2

PUNK #1... Here, hold this. Okay, solong!

They start to leave, pressing the elevator button.

PETER(suddenly a little worried)

Uh... listen... maybe you couldleave us the address or the phonenumber just in case. So we canfind out how she's doing?

The Punks exchange a puzzled glance.

PUNK #1Oh, yeah, sure, the address.

(feebly searching his pockets)

Oh shit, I don't have it on me...But I'll call you. Okay, so long!

PETER & MICHAELSo long!

The elevator has arrived. The Punks quickly slip insideit with the basket.

Michael closes the door.

Peter plops down in the armchair by the front door.

PETERAah, relief at last! Good riddance!

MICHAELYou said it! Now maybe I can getsome work done.

He disappears in the direction of his room.

Peter is sitting on something hard. He pulls it out fromunder him, it's a package. He looks at it, casuallyreading: "Care of Jack Collins." He tosses it to theside. Suddenly, it dawns on him. He leaps up, grabsthe package and runs into Michael's room.

50.


PETER(holding the package)

What the hell is this?

MICHAELWell, a package, I guess.

PETERWas this package delivered toyou?

MICHAELYeah, why?

Peter raises his voice, exasperated by Michael's calmattitude.

PETERWhen the hell did this packagearrive?

MICHAELWill you quit shouting!

PETER(screaming even louder)

When did this fucking packagefucking arrive, Michael?

MICHAELI don't know... Oh yeah, Sunday --Mrs. Razzolini brought it up...

PETERHoly shit!

MICHAELWhat's the matter?

PETERThis is the package those guyscame for, not the baby, youasshole.

MICHAELHey, asshole yourself!... Oh shit!

Peter nods and begins to bark orders.

PETERLook out the window and see ifyou see them, I'm gonna try to

51.

catch up with them...

Michael runs to the window.

Peter runs like a madman through the apartment out thefront door. He presses the button for the elevator.It's in use.

PETERGoddamit!

He opens the door leading to the stairs and races downthem, holding on to the bannister. He flies, overwhelmedby anxiety. Suddenly he trips, loses his balance andmakes a spectacular crash landing. The package gets abit crushed, and little individual packets of white powderspill out of it. Peter stares at them in horror.

PETERWhat the hell is this?

He picks up a few packets and examines them.

PETEROh, God, no... dope! That's allwe need!

He starts to tremble with fear. He picks the packets upas fast as he can and hastily puts them back into what'sleft of the package; then shoves it all into his pocketand continues racing down the stairs.


Punk #1 is attempting to strap the basket onto themotorcycle with a bungie cord. Punk #2 watches himcoolly.

PUNK #2We'd be better off taking thesubway.

PUNK #1You want to ride the subway witha hundred grand in uncut dope,go ahead.

PUNK #2Well we can't ride aroundcarrying this baby basket. We'llget stopped by the cops.

PUNK #1So go ahead, take the subway andstop bothering me. I'm going tohook this onto the back seat.

52.

PUNK #2It'll never hold, man.

PUNK #1(desperately going at the hook and the basket)

Goddamn hook! Christ, what astupid idea hiding the shit withthis kid. It's ridiculous!

Peter comes rushing out of the building.

PETER(huffing and puffing)

Oh, thank God, you're still here!There's been a terrible mistake.That wasn't the package youwere s'posed to take. It wasanother one. I have it righthere.

PUNK #1What do you mean? What otherpackage?

PETERI'll take the basket back andgive you the other package, here.No mistake.

Peter takes the package from his pocket and is aboutto grab the basket. Punk #1 pushes him back violently.

PUNK #1You ain't takin' nothin' back,man.

PETERBut I'm tellin you it was amistake...

PUNK #1(in a low but very aggressive tone)

You tryin' to double-cross us orsomething? Beat it before I getpissed, man.

PETER(panic-stricken, in an equally low tone)

But I'm telling you, I've gotyour package right here. There'sbeen a mistake...

53.

PUNK #1A mistake my ass! Now get outahere, man, or I'm gonna stickthis right in your gut.

He discreetly reveals a switchblade knife he's carrying.

PUNK #1(to Punk #2)

Start the bike.

Punk #2 is about to get on the motorcycle. Peter stopshim.

PETERBut I'm telling you, I've gotthe real package in my pocket.

PUNK #2(to Punk #1)

Watch it, the cops!

Peter quickly puts back the package in his pocket. Apatrol car comes up next to them, right beside the carin which Graton is sitting, taking in every bit of theaction.

GRATON(to his partner)

Terrific! I bet these moronsscrew up everything.

One of the COPS gets out of his car and comes over to thePunks and Peter. Peter is scared stiff.

PUNK #1(whispering)

If you called the cops on us,pal, you're a dead man.

COP #1All right, what's that doing onthe back of the bike?

No one answers.

COP #1You wouldn't by any chance beintending to drive with a babybasket on your motorcycle, wouldyou?

PUNK #1Of course not, Officer. We'dnever do something like that.

54.

COP #1So why did you strap it on inthe first place if you had nointention of driving with it?

PUNK #2So it wouldn't fall off.

COP #1Very funny.

As he speaks, Peter undoes the bungie cord from aroundthe basket and takes it off the motorcycle.

PETERNo, really, Officer, they weren'tgonna drive off with it -- Theywere just watching it for me whileI was doing a quick errand.

(to the Punks)Thanks, guys.

Punk #1 gives him a dirty look.

COP #1All right, let's see someidentification, everybody.

The punks exchange a glance. Suddenly Punk #1 shouts:

PUNK #1Go!

They take off running in different directions. Cop #1charges after Punk #1 and yells to his partner who'sstill in the car:

COP #1Watch the guy with the basket!

Cop #2 leaps out of the car, gun in hand.

Peter stiffens with fear.

COP #2Freeze! All right, asshole, let'ssee some I.D.

PETER(urbanely)

Listen, Officer, let's stay calmnow. I haven't the slightestintention of running. I am nota criminal. I'm an architect.

COP #2(calming down

55.

a little)Your I.D., let's see it.

PETERI'm terribly sorry, Officer, butI don't have any identificationon me. I just came down with mybaby to run a quick errand. Ihaven't committed any crime.

COP #2All right, let's go, in the car.I'm taking you down to thestation.

PETEROh, c'mon, that's impossible --you see I have a baby. I haveto give her a bottle in fifteenminutes, I can't go anywhere.I live right in this building --let me go up to my apartmentand I'll get you my licenseimmediately... You can evencome with me if you like...

COP #2All right, lead the way.

They disappear inside the building. Peter is carryingthe basket in his left hand; his right hand is clenchedon the horrible package hidden in his pocket.

Just then Cop #1 comes running back, empty-handed.

Graton gets out of his car and comes up to Cop #1, show-ing him his badge.

GRATON(angry)

Inspector Graton, Narcotics. Itjust so happens I was tailingthose two guys and now becauseof you clowns I lost them,probably forever. Thanks a lot!

COP #1How could we know?

GRATONForget it. Listen, your partnerwent in here with the guy and thebaby. He lives up on the tenthfloor. I can't go in because ifhe sees me, my cover is blown. Socould you please try not to losethis one, okay? He's someone who's

56.

gotta be watched very closely.I've called for backup and it's onits way.


The elevator doors open, Peter and Cop #2 exit.

PETER(key in hand)

This is it. Please come in...can I get you a cup of coffee orsomething?

COP #2No thanks. I'll just wait outhere.

Peter enters the apartment and calmly crosses throughthe house, carrying the basket.

As soon as he's out of the cop's sight, he starts runninglike a madman down the corridor. He runs into Michaelwho was just coming to meet him.

MICHAELHey, what's happening? Whatwere those cops doing...

Peter shuts him up, grabs him roughly under the arm andleads him into his room, closing the door behind them.Peter speaks softly but he's totally freaking out, hecan hardly breathe.

PETERMichael... Michael... we're indeep trouble. The package...The package...

MICHAELYeah? What?

PETERThere's a cop on the doorstep...He didn't see you... He mustn'tsee you... We're in deeptrouble, Michael...

MICHAELTell me what...

PETERThe package they came for wasn'tthe baby, it was dope, drugs, ashitload of dope! We were stoppedby some cops down on the street.

57.

MICHAELBut did the cops see the dope?

PETERNo, it's right here.

He takes out the package.

MICHAELShit!

PETERWe'll get twenty years if thecops find this on us! Climb downthe fire escape and hide it...anywhere!

Michael takes the package, opens the window and starts toclimb out it when Peter stops him.

PETERHey, whatever you do, don't losethe goddamn dope, we gotta beable to return it to those dealersor we're dead. Those guys areserious.

MICHAELDon't worry.

He starts down the fire escape, then stops and turns back.

MICHAELOh, by the way, I put some waterup to boil for her bottle.

Michael disappears. Peter picks up Mary, grabs his wal-let and leaves the room. When he gets to the hall, hediscovers that Cop #1 has joined Cop #2, to whom he iswhispering something. Peter holds his license out forthem to see.

PETERHere's my license.

COP #1I'm afraid I'm going to have toask you to remain in the apartment.The narcotics squad will bearriving any moment now. Theywant to ask you a few questions.

PETERNarcotics squad? What do theywant with me? I don't even useaspirin!

58.

61 INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY 61

Michael is buying a pair of scissors, glue and a roll ofScotch tape. Then he buys a box of large diapers -- hechooses the ones that come in a box. Michael leaves thesupermarket, whistling.

62 EXT. PARK - DAY 62

Michael is sitting on a bench facing the grass, withhis back to us, he seems quite busy.

As we CLOSE IN, we discover that he has opened the box ofdiapers and that he's holding one of them; its plastichas been carefully cut out with scissors.

Casually, glancing right and left, he takes the individ-ual packets of white powder out of his pocket and shovesthem into a little plastic bag from the supermarket.Then he carefully tapes the bag so it's well-sealed andflattened out, and he inserts it into the diaper, be-tween the plastic and the absorbent fabric.

Next, the diaper is taped up, folded back up and putback in the box, neatly packed between the other ones.Michael closes the box again and glues it together soit looks as if it's never been opened. He throws allthe other stuff away in a trash can and grabs hold ofhis brand-new box of diapers. He walks away.


Michael comes into the living room with his box ofdiapers and a bag of groceries.

In addition to the two cops there are now THREE NARCOTICAGENTS who are interrogating Peter. He is holding Mary.The basket is on an armchair.

MICHAELHello, Officers... What's goingon?

PETERDon't worry, Michael, it'snothing serious, just a littlemisunderstanding.

MICHAELDid you give her the 5:30 bottle?

PETERYeah, I just gave it to her.

59.

MICHAELDid you change her?

PETERNo, she's soaking wet.

MICHAELOkay, I'll do it.

Michael puts down his bag of groceries, takes Mary fromPeter and disappears with the box of diapers.

In his room, he lays Mary down on his bed and startsundressing her.


AGENT #1And who's he?

PETERHe's my roommate.

AGENT #1(raising an eyebrow)

Oh, I see, I see...

PETERNo, you don't see. There arethree of us sharing this place.

AGENT #1Oh, three, huh? A regular 'miragea trois'!

PETERIt's 'menage'... and it's not.We all have lots of girlfriends,thank you.

AGENT #1Uh-huh, so what's your friend do?

PETERHe's a cartoonist.

AGENT #1What about the other guy?

PETERHe's a pilot.

AGENT #1Ah-hah... Now that's interesting...

(to his colleague)

60.

... Get me those photographs,the ones taken at Newark Airport.

Agent #1 looks in his attache case.

AGENT #1So does this friend of yours everfly to South America?

PETERNo. Never. Only North America.

The PHONE RINGS.

AGENT #1Would you object if I answered itfor you?

PETERNot at all, go right ahead. I'vegot nothing to hide.

Agent #1 picks up the phone and listens.

AGENT #1It's a collect call from a JackCollins in La Paz, Bolivia. Thatwouldn't happen to be your pilotfriend, would it? The one whonever goes to South America?

PETERYes, it is him.

Agent #1 hands him the phone.

PETERHello, yes, operator, I accept thecharges.

Agent #1 gestures to Agent #3 to take a look around theapartment. Agent #3 slips away.

AGENT #1Would you mind very much if Ilistened?

PETERPlease, go right ahead.

Agent #1 picks up the other telephone.

PETERHello, Jack? Fine, yeah. How'reyou? Yeah, he's fine, too.Yeah, we left a message for you,right... No, it was nothing

61.

special, it was just, I mean...to see how you were doing and all... No, no emergency. Everything'sfine.

PETER (CONT'D)(loud)

I said everything's fine! Thewhat?... I don't know what you'retalking about... Oh yeah, thepackage! Yeah, yeah, it got here... and was picked up, uh-huh.Hey! Why didn't you call sooner?Huh? 'Cause what?... Oh, you'reonto something hot -- well, aren'tyou the lucky one!... So when areyou getting married?... Forget it,I was just kidding... Well,everything's fine up here. Sohave a good time. See you in acouple of weeks. 'Bye.

Peter hangs up. So does Agent #1.

AGENT #1Now that's interesting. So youwanna tell me about this packageand the hot something-or-otheryour friend lucked onto... inLa Paz... Bolivia... South America?

Peter sits down, stunned.


Mary is lying on Michael's bed. He has just finishedputting a regular diaper on her.

Then Michael looks for the tampered-with diaper in thebox. He finds it, checks that it is well-sealed, andplaces it under Mary's bottom.

Just then Agent #3 appears in the doorway. Michaelcalmly finishes putting the dope-filled diaper on thebaby on top of the other one. MARY is COOING. Every-thing appears normal. However, a trained eye might bevery surprised by the enormous thickness of the diapercovering the young lady's backside. But a narcoticsagent is not necessarily the most qualified person tonotice something odd like this.

Agent #3 silently observes Michael, who gives him a bigsmile as he slips on Mary's pajama bottoms. Michaelpicks Mary up and for the first time talks to her in thekind of silly babytalk used by adoring parents.

62.

MICHAELOkey-dokey, honeybunch, it's timeto go beddy-bye now... We're gonnatake a nice long nappy-wappy...

He goes back to the living room, followed by Agent #3.

Agent #1 is in the process of showing Peter a photograph.

AGENT #1Do you recognize anyone in thispicture?

Peter looks: it's the photo of Jack and Paul that wastaken at the beginning of the movie.

PETER(pointing)

Sure. This is Jack Collins.

AGENT #1Oh yeah? Now that's interesting.

Michael has laid Mary down for a nap in her basket,observed by the five cops. He now sits down, cheerfuland bubbling over with enthusiasm.

MICHAELSo! Can I get you something todrink?

Agent #1 totally ignores him.

AGENT #1So, who's the baby belong to?

PETERIt's Jack's daughter.

AGENT #1And why are you two taking care ofher?

PETERBecause her mother's in Europefor six months, and since Jack hadto be away for two weeks, I tookmy vacation to take care of her,I love kids.

MICHAELYeah, Peter and I just love kids!

AGENT #1Now that's interesting. Well,we'll be seeing each other againsoon, in fact very soon. In the

63.

meantime, I'd appreciate it if youdidn't leave New York in the nextfew days.

All the cops head for the door. Michael accompaniesthem, putting on a very urbane act.

MICHAELCome back anytime, gentlemen.You're always welcome here. Wehave no particular plans to leaveNew York in the near future, sodon't worry about us now. 'Bye now.

Once the cops are gone, Michael races back to the livingroom. Peter has collapsed into his armchair.

PETER(in a low tone)

Christ, what a mess! They'll be onour tails around the clock! Howthe hell are we gonna get rid ofthe goddamn dope?! By the way,where is it?

MICHAEL(also speaking in a low tone)

It's cool, don't worry, I got itstashed.

PETERWhere?

Michael points to Mary's bottom.

PETERHuh?

MICHAELThis way it's close at hand!

PETERAre you out of your mind??

MICHAELRelax, will you.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)I diapered the dope on her rightin front of the cop and he nevernoticed a thing!

PETERI told the cops we were takingcare of her. You realize we'renow stuck with the kid till Jack

64.

comes back. There ain't nobodycoming to pick her up, and I haveto go back to the office today!

MICHAELWait a minute. You're not gonnastick me with this kid! Tellthem you need a maternity leave,tell them anything, but we've gotto go 50-50 on this!

PETERAnd that's not all -- we haven'theard from the punks yet either!


Hidden within a parked car, three men are keeping a closewatch on the entrance to Peter, Michael and Jack's build-ing. The two uniformed cops emerge, get in their car,and pull away.


PETER(on the phone; things are heating up)

That's right, you heard right:I'm not coming in to work for twoweeks... No, I can't explain why...

(in a louder tone)... Because I can't, that's all!...NO, this has nothing to do withchasing ass! Jerry... Jerry!Will you stop screaming for aminute and listen? I'm in trouble,you understand? Deep trouble... Iknow... I know...

PETER (CONT'D)(yells)

... Goddammit, Jerry, of coursewinning the competition isimportant to me! The firm's mywhole life if you must know. No,no, please -- don't send anyoneover here... Don't you come either.No, Jerry... Okay, listen, I'll bethere in a half-hour, but I can'tstay long. No! Don't come here!I'll be right over.

He hangs up. Michael enters the room, with his coat on.

MICHAEL

65.

I gotta go over to Mr. Oxman's --he just called and he's freakingout. He says if I don't bringsome cartoons over now, the deal'soff.

PETERYou're going now?

MICHAELYeah, but don't worry about it,I'll be back before it's timefor her next bottle. She's asleepnow.

PETERTerrific, just terrific! Jerryjust called: I have to go to theoffice right now.

MICHAELWell, call him back. Tell himyou'll come later.

PETERThere's no way. I can't, he'ssuicidal. Why don't you call Oxmanand tell him you'll be there in afew hours.

MICHAELYou're crazy. Oxman is leaving inan hour. If I don't meet himbefore then, I blow my 15,000dollar contract.

PETEROh shit, I can't take thisanymore!

MICHAELLook, maybe we could pawn her offon Mrs. Razzolini, just for acouple of hours -- she's crazyabout her!

PETERGood idea! Let's go.

68 INT. BUILDING - DUSK 68

Peter and Michael get out of the elevator on Mrs.Razzolini's floor. They each are holding one of thehandles on the basket. They are walking quickly.Suddenly Michael stops Peter.

66.

MICHAELWait -- I hear someone... I'll gosee...

Peter waits with the basket. Michael tiptoes to thecorner of the corridor.

At the very end of the corridor, on Mrs. Razzolini'sdoorstep, he sees the three narcotics Agents talking withMrs. Razzolini. We can hear snippets of theirconversation.

RAZZOLINIYes, I brought a package up tothem... I think it was lastSunday...

AGENT #1What are these people like? Whatkind of lifestyle do they have?

Michael hastily returns to Peter, still on tiptoes. Heleads him back to the elevator and pushes the elevatorbutton.

MICHAEL(whispering)

Just as I thought -- the goddamncops are grilling Mrs. Razzolini.

PETEROh shit! We sure as hell can'thand her the baby with an ass fullof dope... right in front of thenarcs!

The elevator has arrived meanwhile.

PETER(breaking down)

What should we do? I really gottago...

MICHAELListen, she's just had her bottle.She's sleeping like a log. Let'sjust leave her in the apartment.What can possibly happen to her?She's as regular as clockwork.She won't wake up till 8:30 andwe'll easily be back by then...

PETERYeah, you're right, we won't belong.

They rush into the elevator.

67.

69 EXT. STREET - DUSK 69

The three men, slumped in their car, are watching thedoor of the apartment building.

The three narcotics Agents emerge from the building andwalk away. A short time goes by. Peter and Michaelemerge from the building and quickly walk away. The threemen get out of their car, cross the street and enter thebuilding.


Peter comes out of the elevator, key in hand. He's aboutto put it in the lock on the door, but stops short -- thedoor is already open.

PETERMichael? Michael, are you here?

No answer.

Peter pushes the door open. The sight that greets hiseyes is very dismaying. It looks like a tornado has hitthe house. Everything's on the floor, it's all beensmashed, it's all been ripped apart. Gone is the beauti-ful apartment that had been so lovingly decorated. Inits place, utter devastation and shambles.

Peter stands there speechless for a moment, then an awfulthought crosses his mind. He runs like crazy into hisroom -- the basket's not there. Stepping over the debrisand all the things strewn over the floor, he rushes intothe living room, then into Michael's room. The basket'snowhere to be seen.

Peter falls apart; without even realizing it, he's moan-ing and muttering distractedly. He runs into Jack'sroom, into the kitchen, into the bathroom. The basket isnowhere to be seen. Peter runs all over, back and forthten times in all the rooms. Tears are flowing from hiseyes.

Suddenly, he hears FAINT CRIES. They're coming from theback bathroom. Peter rushes to it, practically rippingthe door from its hinges. There on the toilet is thebasket, and on it there's a note written in big messyprinting which says: "NEXT TIME WE TAKE HER."

Mary looks at Peter and smiles; she seems in great shape.A distraught Peter picks her up, hugs her tightly andkisses her all over as he takes her into his room.

Just then, Michael appears in the corridor, silent and

68.

overwhelmed. He comes to the door to Peter's room andlooks at him. Peter, mortified to have been caughtkissing Mary, hastily distances himself from her, hold-ing her at arm's length. He puts her down on his bedand exits the room.

71 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT 71

The debris has been shoved up against the walls. Peterand Michael, in their pajamas and dead tired, are slumpedover the table. Peter is giving Mary her bottle.Michael is looking at Mary as though he were seeing herfor the first time.

72 INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT 72

Peter is in bed, completely out of it.

Michael is changing Mary very carefully. He puts onediaper on her, then the second one, full of dope. Helays Mary down in her basket, then places the basket onthe bed, nestled between the wall and Peter's body.Michael, holding the soiled diaper, silently goes out.

Once he's alone, Peter leans over the basket. Mary andhe stare at each other intently and seriously. Peterswitches off the light.

73 INT. APARTMENT - DAWN 73

The DOORBELL RINGS.

Michael, asleep on his mattress on the floor in themiddle of his wrecked bedroom, emerges from sleep andglances at his clock: it's 6:10 AM. He staggers to thefront door and opens it. The door is being held togetherwith a string.

Agents #1, #2, and #3 are at the door, with four othercops backing them up.

Mrs. Razzolini is standing behind them and staring, wide-eyed, a look of horror on her face.

MICHAELMorning, officers. Can I helpyou?

AGENT #1(holding out a piece of paper to him)

Search warrant.

MICHAEL

69.

(playing the gentleman, waving away the paper)

I believe you, officer. Go ahead,we have nothing to hide. Hello,Mrs. Razzolini!

Mrs. Razzolini turns her back on him and hurries away.The cops enter the apartment.

MICHAELYou'll have to excuse the mess...We had a few friends over last night...

AGENT #1(looking at the devastation)

Oh, really? Well, if I were youI'd get myself some new friends!

Peter comes in, in his bathrobe, furious.

PETERWhat the hell are you guys lookingfor, anyway?

AGENT #1Probably the same things yourfriends were looking for lastnight! Didn't Mrs. Razzolinibring you a package last Sunday?

PETERYou mean the chocolate Easterbunnies? We ate them already.

He starts to walk away.

PETERAnyway, you have no idea how manypackages we've been getting lately.It's hard to keep track of them.

AGENT #1Maybe we can help.

(to his colleagues)Let's get to work!

All the cops enter the apartment.


Peter is in bed, with the basket beside him. A narcoticsAGENT is rummaging through his scattered belongings.

AGENTWould you mind if I look in your

70.

bed?

PETER(big smile)

My pleasure. Try not to make amess.

Peter gets up, takes the basket off the bed and keeps itin his hands. The Agent searches the bed.

AGENTI'll look in the basket, if youdon't mind...

PETERBe my guest.

He picks up Mary with her huge diaper. The Agentsearches the whole basket.

AGENTThank you very much, sorry aboutthis...

He goes out. Peter, undaunted, pats Mary's big behind.


The cops are leaving.

AGENT #1Well, there's obviously been amistake. As far as you'reconcerned this investigation isclosed. We apologize again.

MICHAEL(big smile)

Oh, don't mention it! It was apleasure having you here! I hopeyou'll find what you're lookingfor very soon!

AGENT #1(looking straight at him)

So do we.

Michael closes the door and races into the living roomwhere he discovers Peter putting on his jacket.

MICHAEL(softly)

Did you hear that? He saidthere'd been a mistake and theyweren't going to bother us anymore.

71.

PETERBullshit, it's a trick.

MICHAELYou think so? Really?

PETERThey just said that to put us offguard. They saw the conditionthis apartment's in.

PETER (CONT'D)They know the punks were herelooking for the dope and that theyprobably didn't find it. So thatmeans we've still got it.

MICHAELBut he said the investigation wasclosed.

PETEROkay, let's just see how closedit is. I'll go downstairs. Youwatch out the window and see ifI'm being tailed.


Michael is peeking out at the street from the windowabove. Peter comes out of the building and turns left,walking very quickly.

Suddenly, Peter stops, turns around and retraces hissteps. We can clearly see a man, who was walking aboutsix yards behind Peter on the opposite side of thestreet, also turn around and retrace his steps.

It is Graton.


PETER(entering)

So? Was I right?

MICHAELThere's one guy for sure! Aredhead, kind of young, disguisedsort of like a college student.

PETERI knew it. They're going to bewatching us around the clock.

72.

How are we going to get the dopeback to the punks?

MICHAELI have the feeling they'll cometo us.

PETERWe'll have to be very careful.

78 EXT. STREET - NIGHTFALL 78

Michael is walking on the street carrying two bags ofgroceries. Suddenly, a guy walks up to him and elbowshim sharply.

PUNKHi! Doin' a little shopping, huh?How's your place -- not too muchdamage, I hope.

MICHAELWhat do you guys want?

PUNKWe want the dope. Tomorrow.

MICHAELAnd we want to give it to you.But the cops are tailing usnonstop. Matter of fact, there'sone right behind us now...

PUNKThat's your problem, man. Figureout a way to shake 'em. Either wesafely get the dope tomorrow, oryou, your friend and the kid'llget this.

(he quickly stabs the grocery bags three times)

We'll call you tonight.

He runs off, disappearing into the darkness. From theslit-open grocery bag milk flows out onto the sidewalk.Michael is shaking all over. Standing about twenty yardsaway, Graton hasn't missed a thing.

79 INT. COP CAR - NIGHT 79

Not far from Peter, Michael and Jack's building, Graton,in his car, is talking into the microphone of his policeradio.

73.

GRATON... My snitch told me the ganghasn't gotten the dope back yet,but they will soon. They madecontact with the two guys tonight... No, no, they don't know I'mtailing them. These jerks aregoing to fall right into myhands...


Peter and Michael are seated in the living room, which isstill an utter wreck. They can't take their eyes off thephone that's between the two of them.

They are sitting silently, not moving.

Mary is playing in her basket.

The PHONE RINGS. Peter and Michael both jump three feetin the air.

Michael picks up the phone.

MICHAELHello? Who? Goddamn it, whereare you?...

(to Peter)... It's Jack. He just landed inNewark. He came back early.

PETERGimme that.

(he grabs the receiver out of Michael's hand)

Jack? What the hell are youdoing?

(listens to a long explanation)

Yeah... yeah... oh yeah? Well,listen very carefully, Jack.That wonderful, fantastic babeyou brought back from Bolivia?The one you're gonna marrytomorrow? Well, you're not goingto bring her here!... You aregoing to say 'goodbye' to her verynicely and put her in a cab backto Bolivia... Why? Because there'sanother wonderful, fantastic babewaiting for you right here at home... Who is she? Oh, that's asurprise! You'll see when youget here. But believe me, she's

74.

out of this world. You're goingto be up all night with this babe.She's crazy about you.

MICHAEL(in a low tone)

Make it quick, the punks may betrying to call...

PETERSo hurry home, Jack, this littledoll can't wait to see you. 'Bye.

He hangs up.

PETER(in a furious temper)

That goddamn mother fuckin' jerkof an asshole! I swear when hecomes through the door I'll killhim! I'll...

The PHONE interrupts. Michael leaps up and answers it.

MICHAELHello? Listen, tomorrow, CentralPark at the fountain near themerry-go-round, five o'clock. Bethere, but...

They've hung up on the other end. Michael hangs upand sits down, drained.

MICHAEL... That was it.

PETER(equally drained)

All we can do now is hope ourplan works.

MICHAELYou think the cops have our phonebugged?

PETERI don't think that's legal, is it?

80A EXT. STREET - NIGHT 80A

Graton is speaking into the microphone of his radio.Next to him sits a cop with phone-tapping equipment.

GRATON(very excited)

We got 'em, Chief. Five o'clock

75.

tomorrow at the fountain near themerry-go-round! I'll arrange forback-up... Hold it, someone's goinginto their building...

We see Jack getting out of a taxi with his luggageand going into the building.


Jack emerges from the elevator happy as a lark andfeeling frisky.

JACK(opening the door)

Yoo-hoo, guys! I'm home! I'vegot presents for you... so where'sthat wonderful fantastic babe...

He enters and sees the state the apartment is in.

JACK... What the hell happened here?

He walks into the apartment, shocked and overwhelmed.

JACKPeter! Michael! Are you here?

He goes into the living room -- No one's there. IntoMichael's room. No one's there. He goes into his ownroom, where the destruction is even more shocking thanelsewhere since nothing has been touched in there.

JACKOh, my God! My beautiful room!My beautiful, beautiful room!

(very angry)Michael!... Peter -- where thehell are you, for Chrissakes?

He runs like a madman into Peter's room and stops shorton the threshold. Michael and Peter are each holding ahandle of the basket as they rock it gently.

JACK(furious)

What the hell is going on aroundhere? What happened to this place?What happened to my room?

Peter and Michael look him right in the eye, stillrocking the basket.

JACKAnd anyway, what the hell are you

76.

swinging that thing for?(silence)

Answer me for God's sake!(looking in)

Oh my God, there's a kid in there!Have you've gone bananas!? There'sa Goddamn kid in there!

(silence)

JACKOh, I get it. The 'silent' treatment!Okay, if you won't talk to me, you cantalk to my lawyer! This is grounds fordivorce! You're in big trouble, theboth of you.

He leaves. A second later, he comes back.

JACKI paid to have this place decorated,too, you know. I'm not going to letyou get away with this.

He leaves; a second later, he comes back.

JACKIt's too late to try and talk meout of it. I'm history. I'm gone.I'm outa here.

He leaves. A second later, he comes back.

JACKI'm giving you one more chance to...

PETER(very calmly)

Would it be asking too much of youto shut your big mouth for a fewseconds? There is a child herewho's trying to sleep.

JACKAnd that's another thing! I willnot have a baby in this house!Babies are not part of our agreement!

PETER(softly)

Michael, please hold me back... orI'll kill him.

Michael takes the basket handle from Peter's hand, placesthe basket carefully on the bed, and walks without a wordtowards Jack, who he takes by the arm and steers into theliving room. Peter softly shuts the door behind them andfollows.

77.


Michael sits Jack down in an armchair. He speaks withforced calm.

MICHAELAll right, Jack. Why don't westart at the very beginning. Thevery day you left for yourvacation...

JACKHey, will you please stop talkinglike Mr. Rogers? It's getting onmy nerves.

PETER(his fuse has blown, laughing hysterically)

His nerves! Ha. Ha. Ha. Hisnerves! Michael, his nerves!You wanna talk about nerves! Thenjust shut up and listen. It sohappens we don't want a kid hereeither, but when someone dumps oneon us, we take goddamn care of it.

MICHAELYeah, we take goddam care of it.

PETERWe haven't had a decent night'ssleep in two weeks. Michael'sprobably going to lose a $15,000contract...

MICHAELPeter couldn't leave. Jerry almostjumped out the window. It's luckythey even made it to the finals!

JACKWhat?

PETERFirst, we've got the narcs on ourass, then there's the drug gangthreatening to carve us up. Thenbottles... bottles... every threehours, bottles.

MICHAELAnd diapers. Have you ever triedto do diapers?

78.

PETER'La Paz, Bolivia...' He calls from... 'I'm onto something hot.' Hesays. 'Did the package get there?'He says. You asshole!

MICHAELAnd the day they wrecked theapartment, Peter came home andcouldn't find Mary. I've neverseen him in tears like that bef...

PETER(cutting him off; embarrassed)

Never mind about that. Look, Jack,you got us into this mess, andyou're going to help us get out ofit.

JACKWhat are you guys talking about?What narcs? What gang? And who'sthat fucking baby?

PETERFor your information, the 'fucking'baby's name is Mary. And if Iwere you, I'd watch what I saidabout her... because she just sohappens to be your daughter!

JACKWhat??

MICHAELAnd it just so happens, we've gota lot better things to do with ourlives than wipe a baby's ass, evenif she's yours!

Peter and Michael exit, slamming the door.


Peter is slicking his hair back with Brylcream. Jackis sitting on the edge of the bathtub, with his armscrossed. He observes Peter silently.

84 INT. APARTMENT - MICHAEL'S ROOM - DAY 84

Mary is lying on the bed and Michael is putting the dope-filled diaper on her.

79.


Peter is giving a tousled-looking punk hairstyle toJack, who is looking at himself in the mirror.

JACKIt's ridiculous. I lookridiculous.

PETERYou look completely ridiculous-- so what?


MARY, wearing a bonnet and coat, is lying on one of thecouches, CHIRPING merrily. Next to her, also in hiscoat, Michael is just finishing wrapping a brown packagewhich he puts in a plastic bag, along with a book, ababy rattle, and a clean diaper.

Peter and Jack, disguised as punks, each with punkhairstyles and wearing black sunglasses, are climbingout the window leading to the fire escape.


Michael exits the building. Mary, wrapped in a littlewoolen blanket, is in his arms. Michael is also carry-ing his plastic bag.

Graton, in his car, is speaking into the radio mike.

GRATONOkay, he's coming out alone.I'll follow him. Someone elsestay here to keep an eye on theother guys.

88 EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY 88

Michael is lying on the grass near the fountain withMary on her blanket near him.

Graton is nearby, also lying casually on the grass,watching them out of the corner of his eye.

Michael glances at his watch, then at the passersby.

The punk from the day before walks by with his arm arounda girl. He strolls by casually. He spots Michael andtheir eyes meet. The couple sit down on a bench a fewyards away and they begin "making out."

80.

Michael leans over Mary, coochie-coos her and surrepti-tiously takes off her diaper, which he puts down besidehim. He puts the clean diaper on her.

Graton, nervous and wary, watches Michael and thepassersby. Just then, two punks (Peter and Jack) comerunning up to Michael. He ostensibly takes the brownpackage out of his plastic bag and gives it to them.

The two punks immediately take off with the package.

Graton leaps up, shouts "let's get 'em" and takes offafter the punks, followed by about 10 other plainclothesdetectives, who'd been hiding all around.

Michael quickly gets up, picks Mary up and discreetlydeposits the dope-filled diaper in a trash can, givingthe punk on the bench an intent look. Then he goes offin the direction of the cops.

The punk calmly goes over to the trash can, takes out thediaper, which he stuffs into his girl friend's purse, andgoes off in the opposite direction.

The cops have meanwhile arrested Peter and Jack, who putup no resistance whatsoever. Michael now joins them.

MICHAELWhat's going on?

GRATONInspector Graton, Narcotics. Doyou admit you gave these men thispackage?

MICHAELSure. I gave it to them, just amoment ago.

GRATON(to one of the cops)

Officer, will you please open thispackage in front of these witnesses?

The cop opens the package: it's a box of chocolateEaster bunnies. Graton is mortified. He crushes allthe bunnies -- there's absolutely nothing but chocolateinside them.

MICHAELIs it against the law to give abox of candy to my friends?

Peter and Jack take off their glasses.

GRATONOh, it's you guys!

81.

PETERWhat's the problem?

GRATONYou guys must think you're prettysmart, don't ya?

(suddenly freezes)Holy shit! The diaper!

Graton starts running like crazy back to the fountain.He rummages like a sick dog all around the spot whereMichael had been lying. Suddenly he dashes toward thetrash can and dumps out its contents, throwing thegarbage around like a lunatic.

GRATONThe goddam diaper! What a jerk,what a goddam schmuck I am!

Peter, Michael, Jack and the 10 plainclothes detectiveswatch Graton going bananas.

MICHAEL(to the cops)

I think that guy needs a vacation.

JACKHe should try South America.

PETERYeah, I hear it's nice there thistime of year.

89 INT. GRATON'S BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY 89

The Chief is standing behind his desk, red-faced withanger, and Graton sheepishly faces him.

CHIEFLet's face it... Graton... You'vegot shit for brains.

GRATONI'm sure the dope was in thediaper. Can I go on tailing them?

CHIEFForget it. I have solid informationyour three suspects never had anythingto do with the dealers or the dope.

GRATONI'm sure the dope was in the diaper.

CHIEF

82.

Case closed.

GRATONI'm sure the dope was in the diaper.

CHIEF(screaming)

Did you hear me, Graton? Case closed.

GRATONI'm sure the d...

CUT TO:

90 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - EVENING 90

In the devastated living room Peter, still disguised asa punk, and Michael, both very high, are dancing aroundin circles with each other and laughing. They aresinging a lullaby at the top of their lungs, and har-monizing. Peter is holding Mary close, and Michael,holding a near-empty bottle of liquor, staggers over tohim and starts turning around in circles with him.

MARY, snuggled up warmly between Peter and Michael, isLAUGHING her head off.

In the b.g., in the hall, Jack, also still in his punkgetup, is on the phone. He's got a glass in his handand is a little smashed.

JACKPaul, hi, it's Jack! Hey, listen,I brought you back a little presentfrom South America. Can I see youright away so I can give it to you?... Yeah, the sooner the better!I can't wait to let you have it.How about 67th and East River?

91 EXT. EAST RIVER - EVENING 91

A broadly smiling Jack arrives at the riverside. Paulis sitting on a bench. When he sees Jack, he gets upand comes to greet him, smiling and extending his hand.

Without warning, Jack suddenly jumps him and sends himwith a forceful shove flying into the water. Paul landson his back with a big splash, and comes back up to thesurface totally dumbfounded. Jack leans over the waterand yells at him, like a madman, still a bit drunk.

JACKThat was for your 'little' package,and consider yourself lucky Ididn't turn you in to the cops!And get one thing into your thickskull: I have never touched dope,

83.

and I never will. You and yourshit-dealing, you can go straightto hell, and you can take themoney you make from it and stickit up your ass! So long.

Jack turns his back on Paul and staggers off.

PAULHey, come back! -- how'm I gonnaget out of here?

JACKCrawl.


In the living room, Michael is sitting in front of theTV. He's not really watching -- he's eavesdropping onJack's phone conversation.

JACK(very aggravated)

Listen, Sylvia, you've got to comeback. I travel, I can't take careof her... Yeah, but you're hermother... I'm her father -- whatmakes you so sure I'm the father!?The dates coincide! Big deal!That doesn't prove a thing... Butshe's still your kid, so do me afavor, get your ass back hereimmediately and take her off ourhands... 'Cause we've got a lotbetter things to do with ourlives than wipe a baby's ass,okay? Sylvia?... Hello! Hello!Sylvia, goddam it!

JACK (CONT'D)(he slams the receiver down like he was hammering a nail)

Shit! That bitch hung up on me!Women! I could kill them!

MICHAELWhy don't you call her back?

JACKI don't have the number. I gota message to her through heragency, they won't tell me whereshe is. I don't even know whereshe was calling from. And youbetter believe she's not going

84.

to call back!

The PHONE RINGS. Michael answers it.

MICHAELHello?... No, it's Michael... Howare you?... Oh, she's doing justfine, she's in great shape. We'retaking very good care of her, youhave nothing to worry about.'Bye.

He hangs up.

JACKWho was that?

MICHAELSylvia -- She wanted to know howMary was doing.

JACKWhat? Jesus Christ, Michael, whydidn't you let me talk to her!?

MICHAELShe would have just hung up onyou again. The important thingis she knows Mary's fine.

JACKYou jerk! You should've saidshe was terrible, sick as hell!Practically on death's door!

(exits, furious)What a jerk, what a pain in theass you can be sometimes...

MICHAEL(to himself)

What's with him? The kid's doingreally great!

93 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 93

Jack is on the phone in his room, which is looking alittle more normal again.

JACKMom? Hi, how are you?... Yes, I'mfine. Yes, I'm eating well. Mom,how would you feel if I told youyou were a grandma?...

SCREAMING coming over the phone.

85.

JACK... Yeah... A little girl, Mary...

SCREAMING coming over the phone.

JACK... I'd love you to see her. Infact, I was gonna bring her downtomorrow... today?... Great, Ithink there's a flight in threehours. I'll be at your place bytwo. See you real soon!

He hangs up gleefully, rubbing his hands together.


Michael and Jack are in the kitchen. Michael is makingsome bottles. Jack is watching him do it.

MICHAELYou'll have four already made,this'll hold till Miami.

JACKOkay...

MICHAELTell her to make sure Mary getsplenty of sleep.

JACKI'll tell her.

MICHAELIf her ass gets red, tell her notto listen to any pediatricians --they're full of shit.

JACKRight. Full of shit.

MICHAELThen she should give her a bottleof water instead of the regularbottle. Works like a charm: Herass will be white as snow inthree hours.

JACK(nodding)

Bottle of water, white as snow...

MICHAELPeter says her clothes should bewashed by hand...

86.

JACKReally, by hand?

MICHAEL(nodding)

And only in soap flakes withoutany artificial color or scent.And then rinsed three times invery hot water.

JACK(docile)

Rinse three times.

MICHAELTo put her to sleep we sing inharmony -- it always works.

JACKMy mother lives alone.

MICHAELSolo works just as well.

JACKOkay.

MICHAELNow, as for the nipples, you'vegot to be very, very, very careful.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)As soon as the hole gets too bigshe's gotta throw them out -- Thisis extra, extra, extra-speciallyimportant -- 'cause if the hole'stoo big, the milk comes out toofast and it's bad for her digest...

JACK(politely, but a little in a hurry)

I gotta get going, I'll miss myplane...


Peter is returning from work.

PETERAnyone home?

Michael is in the living room, eating a sandwich, whilelooking through a magazine.

87.

MICHAELI am!

PETERHow 'bout Jack?

MICHAELOn his way to Miami.

PETEROh, yeah. He's got a lot ofnerve! Leaving us with the kidagain...

MICHAELNo, he took Mary to his mother's,she couldn't wait to see her.He's gonna try to unload her onher till Sylvia gets back. Imade her four bott...

PETER(furious)

You're kidding! That son-of-a-bitch!

MICHAELDon't worry, I told him everythinghe had to know, and I made herfour bott...

PETEROh, I'm telling you, that guy isreally starting to get on mynerves!

MICHAELWhy?

PETERGoddamn him! He really couldhave called me!

MICHAELAre you pissed off 'cause she'sgone?

PETER(exasperated)

Of course not! What, are youcrazy? I'm relieved! Thank Godshe's out of here!

MICHAELI made her four bott...

PETER

88.

That idiot! He could at leasthave told me.

(exits, cursing)I can't believe this... Thatjackass... That jerk... There aresuch things as phones!

MICHAEL(to himself)

Four bottles for the goddam trip.There, I finally got it out.

96 EXT. HOUSE (MIAMI) - DAY 96

A cab slowly pulls up in front of Jack's mother's house.There is a big red convertible filled with four jovialsenior citizens. Jack comes out of the cab with the basketand stares at his mother, MARGIE, who's just locking herdoor. Next to her, holding her luggage is Steve (a man inhis sixties). They head toward the trunk of the car.

JACKHey, Mom!

MARGIE(hits Steve)

Hey, he finally made it!

MARGIE (CONT'D)(to Jack)

Do you have any idea what time itis? It's four. You said two.

JACKBut, Mom, I missed the plane.

MARGIEYeah, but now I have to go.

JACKWhere are you going?

MARGIEOn a cruise around the world.

JACKBut why didn't you say so on the phone?

MARGIEBecause you never would've come.Now let me see her.

(she grabs Mary and covers her with kisses)

Oh, my little strudle!

STEVE

89.

Hey, Margie. We're a little late...

MARGIEBye-bye, sweetie love... I'llbring you back presents from allover the world.

(to Jack, giving back Mary)

Four o'clock.

She runs into the car and they pull away. Everyonewaving goodbye.

JACK(holding Mary)

'Bye!


Jack comes in with the basket; he's in a vile mood.He's got a bottle ready in his hand.

Peter, who had been working in his room, rushes to thehall.

PETERYou're bringing her back?

JACKYeah... she's starving. I gottaheat this bottle up right away.

They go into the kitchen together. Peter immediatelygets busy; he heats the bottle up quickly while Jacksoothes the hungry Mary by carrying her in his arms.

PETERSo what happened? Did you twohave a fight?

JACK(grim)

Goddamn cruises...

PETERDidn't she want to take her?

JACKSure she did, but she was justleaving for some stupid cruisearound the world. The entirefucking world! With some bimboboyfriend of her's... and a bunchof retired bozos.

PETER

90.

The apple doesn't fall far fromthe tree.

JACKWhat?

98 INT. APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON 98

The DOORBELL RINGS.

Jack goes to the door.

At the door stands a rather distinguished-looking woman,with her hair tied back very properly, a suitcase in herhand. It is MRS. BRETSAWS, who speaks with a Britishaccent.

MRS. BRETSAWSGood afternoon. I'm MathildaBretsaws, from The Second Mommyagency.

JACK(very eager, very gracious)

Oh, yes, I was expecting you.Won't you come in...

They disappear into the living room. Jack shuts the doorbehind him. Michael peeks into the hall, then goes andlooks into the living room through the crack in the door.Peter, too, peeks in.

PETERWho is it?

MICHAELMust be some nanny he found throughan agency.

Peter shrugs and walks away.

Jack comes out of the living room.

JACK(softly, to Michael)

She wants to see Mary.

MICHAELShe's asleep.

JACKWell, she wants to see her anyway!

He heads toward Peter's room.

91.

PETER(returning from the kitchen)

What do you want?

JACKNothing, nothing.

PETERDon't go into my room, she'sasleep.

JACKYeah, but the nanny, Mrs. Bretsaws,she wants to see her.

PETERNo, damn it, no! You're gonnawake her up! It already took mean hour to sing her to sleep...

JACKYeah, but she wants to see her.

PETERAll right, I'll go explain thesituation.

JACK(holding him back with both hands)

No, no, Peter, please, really,don't go, don't bother, I'll goexplain it to her myself...

PETERIt's no bother, Jack. I'll beglad to do it.

He rushes toward the living room.

JACK(sighing, to Michael)

Wanna bet she's out of here inten minutes slamming the doorbehind her?

They tiptoe over to the living room door and eavesdrop.

99 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON 99

PETER... A sleeping child should not beawakened. If you don't know that,then you're not fit to be a nanny.

92.

MRS. BRETSAWS(tense, but still calm)

I never said that I wanted thechild to be awakened, sir. I onlyasked to see her. If I'm goingto be taking care of the child ona round-the-clock basis, then...

PETER'Round-the-clock'? Whaddya mean'round the clock'? Are youintending to sleep here?

MRS. BRETSAWSAbsolutely, sir. A second mommyis a second mommy.

PETERAnd where are you going to sleep?

MRS. BRETSAWSWell, I expect you to show me tomy quarters.

PETERWell, I don't know where Jackintends to stick you... That's hisproblem... Maybe in his room...But I'm warning you, Mrs.Brestshow.

MRS. BRETSAWSBretsaws.

PETERThere are three of us sharingthis place and we're all realstuds.

100 INT. HALLWAY - LATE AFTERNOON 100

Behind the door, Jack rolls his eyes, Michael empathizeswith him. They head back to the kitchen.

101 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON 101

MRS. BRETSAWS... And as for screwing, I haveall I need at home, thank you verymuch. With a few days off everymonth, I'm sure I'll be fine. Theonly thing I'm interested in is thecare of the child and I can tellshe needs some.

93.

PETEROh, yeah? How do you figure that?

MRS. BRETSAWSShouldn't I be discussing all thiswith the father?

PETERWell, listen, Mrs. Fretsaw, umm...Brainsore...

MRS. BRETSAWSBretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.

PETERRight... Bratsnot, lemme tellyou something. With a child youalways know who the mother is,but the father -- that's anotherkettle of fish. So don't give methat bullshit, okay?

MRS. BRETSAWSVery well. I won't discuss it anyfurther with you. Will you pleaseshow me where the kitchen and thebathroom are?

PETERWhat for?

MRS. BRETSAWSSo I can make you a list of thethings we need.

PETERWhat do you mean, make you a list?-- Don't you do the shoppingyourself?

MRS. BRETSAWSNo shopping or laundry orhousekeeping. I am a professionalnanny.

PETERWe have plenty of everything.

MRS. BRETSAWSDo you have a sufficient amountof fruit and vegetables for thechild?

PETERShe only eats milk and cereal.

94.

MRS. BRETSAWSThat's not enough, sir. Fromthe age of three months childrenshould be started on a normal,varied diet.

PETEROh that's bullshit. You don'tfeed a baby like an adult.

MRS. BRETSAWS(mockingly)

Oh, really? And how would youknow?

PETERI've read plenty of books. Thediet recommended by those quackpediatricians today is way toorich. I'm in favor of naturalmethods, Mrs. Breathmint.

MRS. BRETSAWSBretsaws, Mrs. Bretsaws.

PETERFor instance, if a child is havingtrouble getting to sleep, whatwould you do?

MRS. BRETSAWSDepends, if it was a continuingproblem, I might recommend amild sedative...

PETER(exploding, triumphantly)

I knew you'd say something likethat, you jerk!

MRS. BRETSAWSFine. Anything you say, sir.Let me just remind you that I havemy diploma and that medicine isa serious matter.

PETERDo you know the song that goes'Medicine's a whore and thepharmacist is her pimp'?

MRS. BRETSAWSNo, I don't. We must listen todifferent music. Personally I'mvery fond of opera.

95.

PETERMrs. Breakballs, if you don'tget out of here right this minuteI'm gonna punch you in the nose!This is my home, now get out!

MRS. BRETSAWSThe name's Bretsaws. I amblessed with infinite patiencewhen it comes to children, sir,but I'm not qualified to dealwith lunatics. Goodbye andgood luck!

Mrs. Bretsaws grabs her suitcase and exits, dignifiedand stiff as a broom, slamming the door behind her.

102 INT. KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON 102

Michael and Jack are sitting at the table.

JACK(looking at his watch)

What did I tell you? Tenminutes to the second!

103 INT. APARTMENT - EVENING 103

JACKOkay, listen, you guys... I'vetried everything and nothing'sworking: my mother's off on acruise; Mrs. Razzolini won'tspeak to us ever since the wholebusiness with the cops -- we don'twant to involve any of ourgirlfriends; Sylvia's taking iteasy in Europe and there's noway she's gonna come back nowthat Michael went and told hereverything's just fine and dandy.Peter did a terrific job gettingrid of Mrs. Bretsaws, and allthat's left are the daycarecenters, but Peter's positivethey're a breeding pit for A.I.D.S.So you tell me: What are wesuppose to do? You want me tosplit with the kid? Or dump herin an orphanage?

PETER(pretending to play the violin)

96.

Here we go.

MICHAELLook, her mother'll be back inless than five months. Let's notwaste a shitload of time lookingfor a solution for such a shorttime. Let's get organized.

JACKWhat do you mean, organized?

PETERWell, you'll have to ask to flythe New York-Washington shuttlefor five months, on account ofserious personal problems.

JACKWhat? Never! I'd rather be asubway conductor.

PETER(barking)

Then dump her in an orphanage,'cause there's no way we're gonnatake care of her all by ourselvesanymore!

MICHAELCome on, stop arguing, you two!Jack, you're going to have toask to do the New York-Washingtonshu...

JACK(stubborn, yelling)

No! Never.

MICHAEL(unruffled)

That way, you can do the 6-10 A.M.shift. That amounts to two bottlesand two diaper changes. You dothe shopping when you get home inthe evening and that's all. Peter,you'll take the 6-10 P.M. shift.That's two bottles and two diaperchanges, her bath and her laundry.Since I work at home I'll takethe longest shift from 10 A.M. to6 P.M. I'll take her to the parkfor an hour, but that's it. Noshopping, no cooking, no cleaning.

PETERWhat if she gets up at night?

97.

Whose shift is that?

MICHAELWell... I thought you might doit...

PETERNot a chance! I'm not doing thenight shift. I absolutely refuse.I have too much work to catch upon for the competition.

JACKWell, needless to say I refuse,too!

MICHAELListen to me, you selfish bastards!My shift is eight hours in a row.No way I'm gonna do nights too.After 6 P.M. she can scream allshe wants, I don't give a shit.

PETERYou know, Jack, you're a realslime ball! We give you theeasiest shift: the morning. She'salways in great shape in the morning,isn't she? We've got to work likecrazy to save our jobs and youhave the nerve to refuse nights.Goddamit, she's your daughter.Are you that horny?

JACK(extremely pissed off)

Hey, horny yourself! I don'tgive a shit. I don't need youguys. I'll find some other wayto do it. And I won't take theNew York-Washington shuttle!

He exits, furious.

104 INT. CHARTER COMPANY - DAY 104

Jack is coming out of an office that says "EXECUTIVEOFFICES." He is grim and sullen-looking. He runs intohis friend Paul, who jumps three feet away to avoid apotential mishap with Jack.

PAUL(shyly)

Hi, Jack, something wrong?

98.

JACK(who hadn't noticed him)

Oh, hi... Nah, nothing's wrong.

PAULWhat were you doing in the boss'soffice?

JACKI was asking to do the New York-Washington shuttle for a fewmonths.

PAULOh, and he said 'no,' huh?

JACK(barking)

As a matter of fact, he said'yes.'

Paul backs up against the wall, protecting his facewith his arms. Jack leaves, disgusted. Paul watcheshim go, totally confused.

105 INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT 105

Jack is sitting on his bed, wearing a dressing gown.He's got a sleeping Mary in his arms. The basket is onthe floor beside the bed. Jack attempts to put Mary backin her basket but she shudders and he immediately sitsback down again and doesn't move. Mary falls back asleep.Jack looks at her skin, her hands. Very gently, hekisses her forehead. Mary smiles in her sleep.

106 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - MORNING 106

Michael is working at his drafting table. Jack rushesin, wearing his uniform, ready to go out.

JACKOkay, I'm off. She's well fedand she's sleeping now.

We hear MARY CRYING.

JACKShit, she's crying. I'll gopick her up...

Peter passes him in the corridor. He, too, is ready togo out to his office.

PETER

99.

Let her cry, she's just tryingto get to sleep, she'll stop ina couple of minutes.

JACKNo, she needs to burp -- I'vegotta rock her for a little...

PETERI'm telling you, the more youpick her up, the longer it'lltake her to get to sleep.

JACKThanks for the advice -- now whydon't you just shove it? I knowyou let her scream for hours butI can't.

PETER(in a state of shock)

I never let her scream for hours!

JACKYou'd resort to any theory to nottake care of her. Just becauseyou've read some books...

PETERCan you believe what he justsaid to me... I read those booksbec...

JACKIt's not your shift, anyway.Piss off, will ya?

MICHAELCome on, guys, cool it! It's myshift now.

(to Jack)I'll rock her for a few minutes...

(to Peter)... and then I'll put her right tobed. So off to work, both of you.

He pushes them both out.


It's noon, the sun is shining brightly. Michael isdiapering Mary on her changing table. She's naked.He tickles her, bites her toes, neck and ears; shebursts out laughing. Michael is totally gaga over her.

100.

MICHAELCoochie, coochie, coo... woo,woo, woo... bippity, boppityboo...

Peter comes rushing into the apartment and runs towardhis room. He stops short in the corridor -- he hearsMary's laughter and Michael's coochie-coo's.

Noiselessly he tiptoes over to the living room door andlistens, troubled. Then he walks away and shouts, asthough he were just coming out of his room.

PETERHi, Michael, I just came backto get a file I forgot...

Michael stops his baby-talk immediately, as though sud-denly paralyzed, embarrassed, guilty. Peter enters theroom.

PETEREverything okay?

MICHAEL(without looking at him)

Yeah, okay.

Silence.

PETER(not moving)

Well, I guess I'll be going now.

MICHAEL(not moving either)

Yeah...

They're both uneasy.

PETERThe baby okay?

MICHAEL(not budging an inch)

Yeah, okay.

Peter exits.

108 INT. BATHROOM - EVENING 108

Peter enters the bathroom. He's carrying Mary, who'snaked and wrapped in a towel.

101.

Peter carefully locks the door behind him. He removesMary's towel and sits her in her little tub, filledwith warm water.

Mary quivers as she comes in contact with the water.Peter kneels down and very gently pours glasses of wateron her shoulders and head. The water streams down herface. She blinks and laughs. Peter whispers lovinglyto her in a barely audible, very low voice. Marystares at him.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

109 SAME SCENE - MONTHS LATER 109

Peter is wearing a different suit and Mary is almostone-year-old, with a lot more hair on her head, andable to sit up a lot better.


Although it is dark, we can distinguish in Jack's beda rather bulky shape, which is moving around under thecomforter and doesn't exactly seem to be sleeping...

Suddenly, from the direction of the living room, we canhear MARY CRYING. Jack emerges from under the comforterand switches on the light: he has a female guest inhis bed, a pretty BRUNETTE this time.

JACK(to himself)

Shit, she's crying...

BRUNETTEWhat?

JACKNothing, nothing. I'll be rightback.

He gets up, slips on a bathrobe and goes out of thebedroom, carefully closing the door behind him. Hegoes into the living room, picks Mary up, and showersher with kisses.

Mary stops crying immediately and lays her head onJack's shoulder, sucking her thumb. Jack rocks herfor a moment then puts her back to bed.

Mary instantly starts crying again. Jack very quicklypicks her up again and kisses her. Mary is delightedby his tenderness. Jack puts her back to bed again.

102.

Mary cries again.

JACKIt' beddy-bye time now, honey,beddy-bye, don't cry, sweetheart...

Mary keeps crying, Jack picks her up again. Peter andMichael in their pajamas, their faces swollen withsleep, enter the living room.

PETER(in a soft voice)

She's crying.

JACK(hushed voice)

Yeah, every time I try to puther back to bed...

MICHAEL(hushed voice)

Maybe she's thirsty?

PETERNo, her back teeth must bestarting to bother her...

JACKWhat should I do?

MICHAELI've bought some stuff for hergums.

He rubs some of the medication on Mary's gums.

PETERTry and put her back to bed;we'll sing.

Jack puts Mary back to bed. Michael, as a routine,sings a major chord, giving each of them their notes.They start singing a lullabye in three-part harmony,as they lean over the crib. Mary is in seventh heaven.She looks up at them, she stops crying, she sucks herthumb.


The Brunette is listening to the male chorus, totallyamazed.

BRUNETTEThis guy's totally whacko.

She gets up, slips on a T-shirt, and exits the bedroom.

103.

She stops at the door to the living room and contemplatesthe three men who are singing earnestly around the crib.

BRUNETTE(in a loud voice)

Hey, choir boys, you gonna keepit up all night?

Peter and Michael stare at her, scandalized. Jackgestures wildly to her to shut up and go away.

BRUNETTEOh my God! There's a baby inthere! I'm sorry...

She goes back to Jack's room.

PETER(hissing)

Who the hell's that broad?

JACKWatch your mouth, will you? I'min love with that young lady.

PETERCan't she speak softly likeeveryone else?

JACK(getting angry)

Listen, at night I'm in charge.So get off my back, will you?

MICHAEL(exasperated)

Will you quit fighting all thetime? She just fell asleep, forChrissake.

JACKOh, Michael, go to hell! I'msick and tired of your little'Father Knows Best' number!

PETERYeah, you're right, I'm fed upwith it, too!

MICHAEL(terribly upset)

Okay, that's it. Into thekitchen.

He exits, furious. Peter and Jack follow after him.Fuming, they file one after the other down the corridorpast the stunned Brunette in her T-shirt who was waiting

104.

for Jack by the door to his room. The three guys closethe kitchen door and start yelling at each other. Theyall talk at once.

MICHAELI've had it with you assholes! Iwon't be the buffer between youtwo anymore...

JACKI didn't ask you to get up, I knowwhat I have to do.

PETERI don't mind getting up, that'snot the point...

MICHAELI'm not a punching bag! Youassholes!

JACKIf I can't bring a girl back hereanymore, just say so. And I'm gone.I'm outta here. With Mary.

PETERYou can bring whoever you want aslong as they speak softly likeeveryone else!

MICHAELOne thing I know: I can't goddamnwait till Sylvia gets back!

PETERYeah, you can say that again!

JACKAnd again, and again, and again...

Meanwhile, the Brunette has put her clothes back on andgathered up her belongings. Now she enters the kitchen.

BRUNETTESorry to disturb you guys, butI'm splitting. I didn't comehere to be a bedwarmer. 'Bye.

JACK(running after her)

No! Wait, please don't go... it'sall over now, I'm coming back tobed...

BRUNETTE(at the front door)

105.

You're very nice, but I don'tfeel like it anymore now. Someother time, okay? 'Bye.

She kisses him goodbye and leaves.

Jack is very depressed.


Peter, Michael and Jack have guests over for dinner.

CLASSICAL MUSIC, a very fancy table, candles: they'reat the tail-end of the dinner, before dessert. Everyoneis very fashionably dressed.

Natalie is sitting between Peter and Carl. Jay andJerry, Peter's partners, are also there with their wives.

Michael and Sophia are having a vehement discussion asusual, Jack is between two gorgeous models: CHRISTIEand CAROLINE.

CARLHave you seen the latest bi-annualat the Whitney? Incredible! Haveyou seen it, Peter?

PETERNo, I haven't had the time lately.

CARLAh... working hard on thecompetition, are you? You mayas well throw in the T-square,old friend, you haven't got achance.

JERRY(somewhat harshly)

I only wish he was working hardon the competition, butunfortunately, that's not thecase...

NATALIEReally? What's he doing then?He's always so busy.

CARLMaybe he's working hard on women!Some people have to work reallyhard to get anything!

Natalie bursts out laughing. Peter's about to respond,but stops himself suddenly. In the b.g., a BABY can be

106.

heard CRYING.

Peter, Jack, and Michael exchange glances. Jack rushesout. The guests haven't heard anything.

PETER(whispering to Natalie)

Why do you always have to bringCarl along with you?

NATALIEDon't you like him?

PETEROh, c'mon -- I love him! Only,I'd like to see you alone foronce, that's all.

NATALIEHe's extremely talented -- infact, I hate to tell you this,but I think he and his group aregonna win the competition.

PETERWell, we'll see about that.

Jack returns to the table. Peter's eyes follow himnervously.

MICHAEL(in a low tone, to Jack)

Did you give her something todrink?

CHRISTIE(drunkenly)

Oh, cut it out! No more for me!I've had eight glasses!

JACK(in a low tone, to Michael)

I tried, but she doesn't wantanything --

CHRISTIEI do so want some, but if I haveanymore I'll pass out!

PETERSave room for dessert -- it's athree-tiered cake from Balducci's!

EVERYONE

107.

Oh! Wow!

CHRISTIE(greedily)

I love three-tiered cakes!

JAY'S WIFESo what's it made of?

In the b.g., the BABY starts CRYING again.

PETERUmm, it's made with whipped creamand loads of nipples on top --I mean, loads of... raspberries... I'll be right back...

Peter rushes out of the room. Michael and Jack exchangeglances. The CRYING CONTINUES.

SOPHIAAre you saying that's not art? Areyou really saying that's not art?Well, then, you explain what it is.

MICHAELWell, it's... art. I'll be rightback.

He gets up and goes out. Jack watches him.

CAROLINEJack, tell me about those exoticplaces, what is Caracas like?

JACK(his mind elsewhere)

Well, actually... uh, lately I'vebeen to Washington a lot... anduh... I'll be right back.

He gets up and goes out.

113 INT. PETER'S ROOM - NIGHT 113

The three men are talking. Jack is holding Mary, whoseeyes are swollen with tears.

PETERTry and put her back to bed...

JACKI'm warning you, she'll scream...

PETERI'm sure she's cutting a tooth...

108.

From the living room, Christie's voice can be heard.

CHRISTIE (O.S.)Yoo-hoo! What are you guys doingin there? It's fucking boringwithout you...

MICHAELOh shit -- the guests...

PETERYou two go... I'm staying withher. It can't be worse thanlistening to Carl.

JACKThat's not fair -- let's take Maryout there...

MICHAELAnd the hell with it.


The three men enter the living room; Jack is carryingMary.

GUESTSOh, it's a baby!

GUESTS (CONT'D)Where the hell did that comefrom? Wow! Is it a boy or agirl? Who does it belong to?So you've got a kid now?Incredible! Does that comefrom Balducci's? No kidding,whose baby is that?

JACKLadies and gentlemen, I would likeyou to meet my daughter, Mary.

PETER(muttering)

Your daughter... your daughter...

GUESTSYou're kidding! Congratulations!She's adorable! She looks justlike you... Oh, what a cute littlegirl!

Overwhelmed by all the people, MARY bursts out CRYING.

109.

JACK(walking her back and forth)

Don't cry, Mary, don't cry...

PETERThere's too much noise.

He shuts the MUSIC OFF. MARY keeps on SCREAMING.

PETER(to everyone)

She's teething, that's why she'scranky.

(to Jack)Give her to me, I'll try and calmher down.

Peter takes MARY on his lap. The SCREAMING CONTINUES.

MICHAEL(very tense)

Don't sit down -- it'll get worse.You have to walk around.

Peter gets up and walks around. Jack and Michael,standing, watch him walk.

MARY SCREAMS even LOUDER as Peter walks back and forthin the room with her. The guests watch in uncomfortablesilence.

NATALIEHow long have you had this kid?

JACKA few months...

NATALIE(somewhat sharply)

Who's her mother, anyway?

PETERShe's in Europe, she'll be backin a few days.

CARLDoes she always cry like that?

MICHAELNo, it's only because she'steething, she's usually verysweet...

The guests remain silent.

CAROLINE

110.

(to break the silence)You'd never think something sosmall could make a noise so big.

MARY'S CRYING fills the room.

JERRYWhat if you just put her back tobed?

NATALIERight -- she's just throwing atemper tantrum, put her to bed...

PETERWe already tried...

JACKIt's her teeth...

NATALIE(to Jerry)

Do you have any kids?

JERRY'S WIFEYeah, but they're grown up now,thank God!

CHRISTIE(to Jay)

And do you have kids, too?

JAYWhat?

CHRISTIEI said... and do you have kids,too?

JAYNo, we both have careers.

The guests remain silent, MARY CONTINUES to CRY.

CARLSo, do you think we'll get totaste that three-tiered caketonight?

PETERWhat?

CARL(to Natalie, sarcastically)

Oh, nothing, nothing -- I wasjust trying to liven up the

111.

conversation...

PETERWhat?

CHRISTIEGosh, my ears are ringing, Ican't hear anybody.

CAROLINEI must say, a crying kid is kindof hard to take...

PETERWhat?

CARL(loudly)

We were just saying that thisbaby's conversation is actuallyrather limited... and a touchannoying. Don't you think?

PETERWell, she's not the only onewith a limited conversation.At least she has an excuse, she'sa baby! What's yours?

CARLI frankly don't know what youmean.

PETERI mean, I've been listening toyour pompous drivel about thelatest trends for the last twohours, and frankly, it's a crockof horseshit.

JERRYCome on, Peter, be nice...

JAYListen, go put the baby to bedand you guys cool it, will you?

CARLIt's okay. I'm used to it.Peter's always been a sore loser.

PETER(totally out of control)

You motherfucker, get out ofhere! Get out of my house rightnow or I'll kick the shit out

112.

of you! You snobbish scum-sucking snake!

JERRYPeter, cut it out!

JACKStop it, Peter. Give her to me,I'll put her to bed...

PETER(beside himself)

No, I'll go.(to all the guests)

And you can all go fuckyourselves! Go back to yourasinine conversations!

He exits with Mary. Jack, embarrassed, follows him.

MICHAEL(trying to recover)

Well... umm... How 'bout if Iget the cake now, okay?

He exits.

CARLWell. It seems our beloved hostsare going to be busy playingmother for a while, so if you'llexcuse me, I'll just slip away...

(to Natalie)... Natalie, may I invite you tospend the rest of the evening ina more hospitable place?

NATALIEGladly.

(to the guests)Goodbye.

They exit.

JAY(to Jerry and his wife)

Is he out of his mind or what?

JERRYHe was absolutely obnoxious.

CHRISTIE(drunk, getting up and tottering)

Hey, Caroline, I think we should

113.

go, too. I don't feel so good...I think I'm gonna barf...

CAROLINE(running to help her)

Oh, God, no! Hold it back!

CHRISTIE(starting to cry)

I wanna go home...

CAROLINEOkay, we're going...

(to the others)Sorry... say goodbye to Jackfor us...

They exit. Christie is hanging on to Caroline.

JAY(to Jerry)

Look, there's no point in ourstaying any longer. I thinkit's best we leave.

JAY'S WIFE(to Jerry)

Tell Peter if was a wonderfulparty.

JERRY(sad)

Okay... 'Bye...

SOPHIACan you drop me off near Sohoby any chance?

JAYSure.

SOPHIAThanks!

(to Jerry and his Wife)

'Bye... Say goodbye to themfor me...

Sophia, Jay and his Wife exit.

JERRY'S WIFEWell, we might as well go, too.I think the evening's over.

She gets up, so does Jerry.

114.

Michael, very playful, comes back in carrying anenormous three-tiered cake.

MICHAELTa-da! Will you look at this?Is this a cake or what? Cansomeone make a little room onthe table so I can... Are youguys leaving?

JERRYYeah, we're beat.

MICHAELHey, where is everybody?

JERRY'S WIFEWell, the atmosphere wasn'texactly festive...

JERRYSorry about the cake, Mike...It looks great!

MICHAELOh, never mind, don't worry...Good night...

Jerry and his Wife exit. Michael is left standing therewith his cake. Jack comes in, full of beans.

JACKWell, she's asleep at last! Wesang in har... Hey, where iseverybody?

MICHAELGone. Can you make a little roomfor me on the table to put the...

JACKYou mean they're all gone?

MICHAELYeah, all of 'em, hey, can youmake a little room for me to...

JACK(going back out, furious)

Peter! Peter, goddamit, get outhere!

Peter comes back in with Jack.

JACKThey're all gone!

115.

PETERWho gives a shit, they're alljerks anyway.

MICHAELHey, could you make a littleroom for me on the table soI can...

JACKIt's because of the kid. Theycan't stand kids.

PETERI can't stand kids either butthat's not a reason to leave!Dipshits, they're all a bunchof dipshits, every one of 'em.

MICHAELOh, fuck it -- I'm sitting down.

He sits down on a chair with the cake on his lap.

JACKAnd did you hear Natalie: 'She'sthrowing a temper tantrum, justput her to bed.' What a pain-in-the-ass that broad is!

PETER(pissed off)

Hey, you're the pain-in-the-ass!First you dump a baby on us, thenyou scare everyone away from theparty, then...

JACKI scared everyone aw... Justcut the crap, will you? My wholelife is diapers, shuttles andbottles. I do the graveyard shift,I'm the one who never gets anysleep. I...

PETERListen, we all have two full-timejobs! That's for sure!

MICHAELAnd what about me? I'm a prisonerin this house all day long, forgetabout chasing ass, I haven'tgotten laid in six months. Whenthe hell is your friggin' Sylviagonna come back?

116.

JACKShe's been gone for six monthsand four days.

PETERIf she's not back by the end ofnext week, I'm kicking her kidout!

MICHAELYou better give your goddamSylvia hell for this!

JACKDon't worry, she's gonna get itbut good!

PETERAnd you can tell her we have alot better things to do withour lives than wipe a baby'sass, goddamn it!

He exits. So does Jack. Michael is buried under thethree-tiered cake, unable to see around it.

MICHAELDo you guys want some cake?

(beat)Guys?


In her crib Mary is sleeping. She's beautiful, shelooks happy.


Mary is in her playpen, playing with a SQUEAKY rubbergiraffe.

The DOORBELL RINGS.

Peter opens it: standing there before him is a very,very, young, gorgeous girl.

SYLVIA(bursting with joy)

Hello... I'm Sylvia, Mary'smother. I've come to get her...

PETER(completely dazed)

Oh, it's you... Wait, I'll go

117.

get Jack...

He stands there, frozen.

SYLVIAHow's Mary doing?

PETER(as if he were dreaming)

Fine, fine, she's doing great...She's getting her back teethin lately, it's been a bit rough...

SYLVIACan I see her?

PETEROh, yeah, sure, she's in there...

They both enter the living room. Mary stares at Sylvia.When she spots Mary, Sylvia suddenly breaks down in tears.Peter is dumbfounded.

SYLVIAI don't believe how much she'sgrown!

Recovering, wiping away her tears, she walks over to theplaypen.

SYLVIAHello, Mary, hello my darling...

She picks her up, hugs her tightly, showers kisses onher. MARY LAUGHS. Sylvia starts crying again.

SYLVIAHow beautiful she is... Her hairhas grown... Look how much shechanged, I missed it all. Imissed her so much!

Peter, in a kind of daze, stares at Sylvia. Withoutlooking at Peter, she dries her eyes and tries to stopcrying.

SYLVIAI wanted to make life difficultfor Jack but I never thought I'dmiss her so much...

PETER(still in a fog)

Oh, yeah... make life difficultfor Jack...

118.

SYLVIAIs he here?

PETERWhat?

SYLVIAIs Jack here?

PETER(snapping out of it)

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll go get him...

He exits like a sleepwalker and goes straight intoMichael's room. The latter is asleep.

Peter sits down on the edge of Michael's bed and gentlyshakes him.

PETERMichael, Michael... Sylvia's here.

Michael wakes up and looks at Peter.

PETERMary's leaving.


Peter's giving Mary her bottle, Jack is carefully puttingall her stuff into a bag -- bottles, nipples, cereals,etc.

In the doorway Sylvia, with reddened eyes, silentlywatches them.

JACK(to himself)

Let's see, the five bottles,the little bottles for water,the strainer for her cereal...

(to Sylvia)... Do you have a blender?

SYLVIAA blender?

JACKFor bananas and carrots and stuff.It's time for her to start eatingthem...

SYLVIANo, I don't have a blender.

JACK

119.

Okay, you can have ours.

He stuffs the blender into the bag.

Mary has now finished her bottle.

SYLVIA(to Peter)

Do you want me to take her?

PETERNo, I have to burp her first.

With dexterity, he places Mary face down on his shoulderand walks around in the kitchen, patting her on the back.

JACK(to Sylvia)

Here, could you give these toMichael so he can pack themwith the clothes?

He hands two bibs to Sylvia.

Sylvia walks through the apartment, and stops in frontof Michael's room, where she looks strangely at thechanging table with its mattress, its pretty sheet, andthe baby's toilet articles.

Sylvia enters the living room.

Michael has spread all of Mary's clothes, neatly foldedand ironed on the couch. He is packing them in a bigbag.

SYLVIAHere are the bibs. Jack told meto give them...

MICHAEL(taking the bibs)

Thanks... I put the woolen thingson the bottom and the diapersand lighter things on top,because you'll need those first...

SYLVIA(her mind is elsewhere)

Yeah, sure...

Michael bustles about. Sylvia's gaze comes to rest onthe crib which stands imposingly in the middle of theliving room. Music boxes, little booties and stuffedanimals are hanging from the bars, and a pretty whitetulle frames the crib.

120.

MICHAELYou'll have to come back andget the crib later.

SYLVIAYeah...


A taxi is there. Behind the wheel the driver sitswaiting. Sylvia is sitting in the back, on the sidenearest the sidewalk, and on her lap is Mary, whomshe's gently fondling.On the sidewalk, beside the open trunk of the cab,are all Mary's belongings: some bags, the playpen, astroller, the baby bathtub, the changing table, etc.

Peter is attempting to pack it all in the trunk. Michaelis handing the things to him.

PETER(tense)

Give me the playpen first...

MICHAEL(equally tense)

Then where are you gonna put thetub?

PETER(annoyed)

Just give me the playpen.

CAB DRIVERNeed some help?

PETERNo, no thanks... I'd rather do itmyself...

Jack is standing beside the back door of the cab, leaningover toward Sylvia, who is holding Mary. He is tryingunsuccessfully to sound angry.

JACKYou really screwed us over butgood -- you know that...

SYLVIAI know, I'm sorry.

JACKReally. Our lives have been outof control for the past sixmonths.

121.

SYLVIAYeah, I bet... Actually, that waskind of the point... But I'm theone who really got screwed...

She starts to cry again.

JACKDon't cry, c'mon... you're takingher back now, it's great...

SYLVIA(wiping her eyes)

Yeah, it's great...

JACKD'you have enough money? Can youmanage all right?

SYLVIAYeah, sure... I'm not loaded, butit's okay -- I'm working, I'vegot modeling jobs lined up...

JACKDo you have a boyfriend?

SYLVIANo. That's the last thing I need.I've got my work. And now I'vegot her.

She rubs noses with Mary.

Peter and Michael approach.

PETERThat's it, we fit it all in...

JACKOkay, then... well, 'bye...

The three men are lined up on the sidewalk. Mary staresat them, looking a little lost. They wave their handsand:

PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK'Bye, Mary!

MARY LAUGHS and waves.

SYLVIA(with a big, sad smile)

Okay, well, thanks again -- 'Bye!

PETER, MICHAEL AND JACK

122.

'Bye!

The CAR STARTS up, pulls away, and disappears FROM VIEW.

JACK(playfully)

Well, that's that!

MICHAELYeah...

PETERRight... That's that.

They head back to their apartment building.

PETEROh shit -- I forgot to explainabout the cereal!

JACKShe'll figure it out by herself...

MICHAELYeah, she'll manage...

JACKNow it's back to the good lifefor us!

MICHAELSleeping late! Different womenevery night! I can't wait!

JACKForget about the New York-Washingtonshuttle! I'm off to Caracas!

PETERAnd I'm gonna be able to get backto work, so Carl better watch it-- I'm gonna slaughter thatson-of-a-bitch! First with thisgoddam competition... and thenwith Natalie.

MICHAELAnd I've got six months' worthof sex to catch up on with Cathy,Nora, Frances, Susan, Barbra...

They have entered the elevator. The doors close. Theycome out of the elevator, in front of their apartment.

MICHAEL...Christie, Paula, Sheila, Lisa,Kimberly, Rhonda, Rebecca, Louisa...

123.

But not necessarily in that order!

They enter the apartment and Peter walks on somethingthat lets out a TERRIBLE SQUEAK.

PETEROh, she forgot her squeakygiraffe.

He picks it up and throws it onto an armchair.

119 EXT. LUXURY HOTEL - DAY 119

Jack takes a running jump and does a cannonball intothe pool of a luxury hotel somewhere in the world. Hesplashes two girls who find it very funny...


Peter, with a bouquet of flowers, runs like mad down astreet.

121 INT. ART GALLERY - DAY 121

Michael and Sophia are having a big discussion aboutcontemporary art in the midst of a sophisticated crowdat an opening. Michael is vehement, gesturing wildly,and so is Sophia. They're both talking at once, notlistening to each other, and enjoying it immensely.

122 INT. OFFICE - DAY 122

Peter, all out of breath, comes rushing into the officewhere Natalie works. She is very surprised. He putsthe flowers down on her desk.

PETERThese are for you... I'm notsupposed to leave the office.

PETER (CONT'D)They think I'm in the bathroom.So I can't stay. 'Bye.

He dashes back out. Natalie cracks up, laughing.

123 EXT. AIRPORT - DAY 123

Jack is running on the tarmac; he quickly mounts thestairs to his plane as he waves a heartrending goodbyeto a young woman he's left behind in the airport. Atthe top step, he bumps into another young woman: it's

124.

love at first sight.


Michael is in bed. It's noon, the sun's shiningbrightly, and a BLONDE is asleep beside him. Michaelis on the phone.

MICHAELPeter? Yeah? What? Yow-ee!Hooray! Terrific! That'sfantastic! I'll call Jack --We're gonna celebrate tonight!

He hangs up. The Blonde is now awake.

MICHAELThey won! They won!

BLONDEWho won?

MICHAELPeter. He won the competition!

BLONDEGreat! Who's Peter?


Peter enters the apartment with Natalie.

A bunch of crepe paper streamers are hanging in the hall,as well as posters with various things written on them:PETER'S #1! CONGRATULATIONS, PETER! HURRAY, HURRAY,HURRAY!

Jack comes running in with a bottle of champagne, hePOPS the CORK.

Jack hugs Peter tightly as Michael comes in with glassesand tries to catch the champagne that's flowing all over.They all shout and go bananas celebrating.


Peter has his arm around Natalie's waist. She's a littledrunk. He kisses her and leads her into his room, clos-ing the door behind him. Michael and Jack, who werespying on them, tiptoe over to the door. They aresilently exulting over Peter's second victory.

127 INT. LOBBY OF OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 127

125.

Michael enters a fancy building on 5th Avenue. He'scarrying a big portfolio and is full of beans.

In the lobby, he pushes the button for the elevator andlooks around absentmindedly.

His gaze suddenly freezes on something.

By the guard's desk he notices a stroller. Inside, look-ing pretty bored, is MARY. Michael is overwhelmed.

He walks toward Mary and through the sea of people --they exchange an intense look.

He looks around and suddenly sees Sylvia and two mendeep in discussion coming out of an elevator. Michael,startled, runs and hides behind one of the elevators,staring out wide-eyed.

Sylvia is dressed in a very chic, tight black suit, witha veiled little black hat and spiked heels. One of themen is carrying a bunch of cameras. They walk outtoward the front door, and Sylvia suddenly stops. Sheseems to have forgotten something. She kisses themgoodbye and heads toward the elevator. Once she's outof their sight, she turns and waits for them to leave.When they're gone for sure, she rushes toward Mary andshowers her with kisses.

SYLVIAHere you are, my angel... Are youokay, honey? Mommy's finishednow, you've been a very, verygood girl.

(to Guard)Thanks a lot for looking afterher.

GUARDOh, she's been great!

She wheels the stroller over to the door and quicklytakes off her high heels, and her hat, and stuffs theminto a big bag. She takes out a pair of old shoes anda comfortable jacket, and slips them on. She removesthe pins from her hair -- she looks like her normal selfagain.

She leaves, pushing the stroller out the door.

Michael stands frozen.

128 INT. HOTEL - NIGHT 128

Jack, in the corridor of a large modern hotel somewhere

126.

in the world. He is full of energy and playful excite-ment. He's with a few of his colleagues, both men andwomen. They say good night to each other.

Everyone goes into his or her own room.

Jack's the last one, he goes into his room alone. Hissmile drops. For a moment he stands there just looking.He sits down on the bed: on the pillow is a littlechocolate Santa Claus with a card that reads "MerryChristmas. The Marriott Hotels." Jack contemplatesit forlornly.

129 INT. MICHAEL'S ROOM - NIGHT 129

Michael and Sophia, both in kimonos, are sitting infront of the last bits of an elegant midnight supper,in Michael's room. The bed in unmade.

Sophia, a glass of champagne in her hand, is yakkingaway nonstop, like a real motor-mouth.

Michael, silent, is doodling on a paper napkin.

His pen is making little squares and circles; the circlescome together and start looking like a baby lying in acrib.

Sophia is absorbed in her monologue.

Suddenly Michael realizes what he has drawn. He crumplesthe napkin and throws it in the wastebasket. Sophiahasn't noticed anything. Michael is bored stiff.


Peter comes home with Natalie. They take off theircoats. They look tired.

NATALIE(in a bad mood)

Oh, my feet are killing me!

She takes off her shoes and collapses in the armchair inthe hall. There is a LOUD SQUEAKING noise.

She reaches underneath her and brings out a rubbergiraffe.

NATALIEWhat the hell is this? Oh, it'sa giraffe...

(tosses it away and walks off)

... Oh, by the way, have you

127.

heard anything about that kid,you know, the one you had herefor a while?

Peter stares at the giraffe, horrified. He feels thetears coming to his eyes. Grabbing the giraffe, hehurls it with all his might against the wall.

131 INT. PLANE - DAY 131

Jack's in his plane, at the controls, waiting fortakeoff. He's daydreaming. His CO-PILOT comes in andjoins him.

CO-PILOTHey, what's the matter with you?

JACKWhadda you mean, what's the matterwith me?

CO-PILOTAre you sick?

JACKMe? No. I'm fine.

CO-PILOTC'mon, Jack! Didn't you seewho we've got on board today?

JACKSure I did, why?

CO-PILOTWell... look...

JACK(turning around to look)

So it's the Rockettes, so what?

CO-PILOTAnd you're just sitting therelike that?

JACKWhaddaya mean, sitting there?I happen to be getting ready tofly this airplane.

CO-PILOTOkay, forget it.


128.

Jack, alone in his room, with his back to us, is facinghis full-length mirror.

He's looking at himself, with one fist on his hip andthe other hand clutching a half-empty bottle of scotch.He observes himself and slowly turns around -- we cannow see him in profile. His hair is disheveled, he'sunshaven, and he's put a pillow underneath his sweater.He's pregnant. He takes a big swig of scotch. TheDOORBELL RINGS. Jack walks away from the mirror. Hestaggers dead drunk. But dignified, pregnant.

Jack opens the door. Standing there is Graton holdinga stuffed animal, a rabbit.

GRATONHi...

JACK(out of it)

Hi?

GRATONDon't you recognize me?

JACK(in a total fog)

Wait... uh, no...

GRATONI'm the one who was tailing you...Remember, in the park...

JACKOh, yeah, the park... the diaperand all...

GRATONThat's it, the diaper... Butdon't worry. This isn't aninvestigation, I left the forcefour months ago, and anyway,they've arrested the whole gangsince then... I just wanted toask you something...

JACKHave you noticed? I'm pregnant.

GRATON(neutrally)

Oh yeah, I see...

JACKSo, shall we go for a walk?

129.

133 EXT. RIVERSIDE - DAY 133

Graton and Jack are sitting on a bench beside the EastRiver. Jack, still pregnant, has brought along hisbottle of scotch, and he takes a swig from it occasion-ally. Graton has brought along his rabbit.

GRATONThere's something I have to know...

JACKWouldn't you like to be pregnant?

GRATONWhat? Oh sure... maybe... no...I dunno... Look, there's beensomething bothering me for a longtime.

JACKYou see, if I was God, and I couldcreate the world all over again,here's what I would do: I wouldcreate Adam from Eve's rib, notthe other way around.

GRATON(having trouble following)

Really?

GRATON (CONT'D)That's an interesting idea...Actually, I just wanted to askyou...

JACKAt least that way things wouldhave been clearer to begin with,y'see. They wouldn't have madeus believe that somebody couldcome out of our rib, y'know?'Cause nothing ever comes outof our rib, y'know? Ever. Onlyout of our prick, and even then... Everything still has to bedone after that.

GRATON(very unsure)

That's for sure...

JACKWhat we men know how to make isplanes, buildings, cars, and allthat stuff... It's useful, mind

130.

you...

GRATONIt's driving me crazy! This thingkeeps going around and around inmy head...

JACKAnd you know what, it's not evenlike they wanted us to believeit -- it might have been us whowanted to believe it... But let'sface it, nobody comes out of ourrib...

GRATON(dives right in)

Was the dope in the diaper, yesor no?

JACKStill, that's hard to take, goddamit!

GRATONWas it in the diaper, or not?

JACKThe dope? It was in the diaper,why?

GRATON(getting up)

Oh, thanks a lot. I feel so muchbetter now. Here, this is a rabbitfor your baby.

(shakes both Jack's hands)

Thanks again, 'bye, I'm so happy.

Graton goes off, floating on cloud nine.

JACK(reaching out toward him with the rabbit)

But wait -- the baby's gone...

134 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING 134

Jack and Michael, slumped in their chairs, are havingbreakfast. It's a gray day. It's POURING out.

Peter, bending over a bowl of steaming water, with atowel over his head, is inhaling the steam. When helooks up to speak, we see his swollen tear-streaked

131.

face.

JACK(extremely, in fact, too playful)

Tomorrow, San Francisco!

MICHAEL(grim)

Say hello to the Pacific for me.

JACK(even more playful)

I'll be back the day after tomorrow.

PETER(emerging from the bowl, congested)

You'll be id a foul bood -- jetlag really wipes out you dow.

JACK(annoyed)

Whaddya mean, now?

PETERYeah: you didd't used to give ashit before, but dow it docksyou out.

JACK(very hostile)

Before what?

PETER(putting his head back over the bowl)

How would I dow? 'Before,'that's all.

JACK(on edge)

It doesn't knock me out at all...

MICHAELIs there any jam left?

PETERDo.

Silence.

PETERYou eatig here todight?

JACK

132.

(playful again)No, I'm going to the moviestonight with, uh... damn, I can'tremember her name...

MICHAELY'mean the Japanese one?

JACK(suddenly very weary)

No, she's from Finland. Oh damnit. What the hell's her name?They've got such weird names...Magdalena... no, Marianna... no... oh, I can't remember -- anywayit's Ma-something or other...

MICHAELMary?

A sudden, weighty silence ensues.

PETERThis fuckig cold! I look likeI'b cryig all the tibe but I'bdot -- it's just this dab cold.

He gets up and goes out.

135 INT. SYLVIA'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT 135

Jack, holding a bouquet of flowers and Graton's rabbit,rings the doorbell of an apartment. On the door a cardreads "SYLVIA AND MARY."

A chubby YOUNG MAN with thick glasses opens the door.

JACKHi. Is Sylvia in?

YOUNG MANNo, she'll be back in a coupleof hours -- around midnight, shesaid...

JACK(disappointed)

Oh.

YOUNG MANWanna come in and wait for her?

JACKSure... Why not?

133.

He follows the Young Man in Sylvia's studio. It's verymessy. On the table there's a big heap of books andpapers. Mary, sitting on the floor, is wearing a diaperand a sweater, but her legs are bare. She's playingwith an empty pack of cigarettes. She looks at Jackwith a serious, unruffled expression.

JACKSylvia doing okay?

YOUNG MANI don't know -- I'm a med student.I'm just babysitting. I only mether a couple hours ago.

JACKOh, I see...

Silence. The Young Man sits down at the table andimmerses himself in his books.

Mary doesn't look up from her pack of cigarettes anymore.

JACKListen, on second thought, Idon't think I'll wait for her.Just give her this when she getsback, okay? And this is for thebaby.

Jack hands the bouquet and the rabbit to the Young Man,who plops them down on a chair.

YOUNG MANSure, no problem.

He immerses himself again in his books.

Jack heads toward the door, then turns around.

JACKShouldn't the baby be in bed bynow?

YOUNG MANYeah... I don't know... When Iput her to bed she cries so Ijust let her stay up...

JACKDon't you have any tights to puton her legs?

YOUNG MANTights?... Well, it's pretty hotin here anyway...

134.

Jack gets out of there in a hurry.


Jack, in his pilot's uniform, is sitting on the livingroom couch. Michael is standing before him.

MICHAELYou want me to call them?

JACKNo.

MICHAELBut you've got to let them know!

JACKNo, I'm not going anywhere anymore,I've had it with traveling. Iquit.

MICHAELC'mon, I'll call you a cab, you'vestill got time.

JACKDon't you call anybody.

MICHAELBut the plane's s'posed to takeoff in half an hour -- They won'thave time to replace you. Thisis serious -- you'll lose yourjob and you won't be able to payyour share of the apartmentanymore... you...

Jack takes off his pilot's jacket and throws it aside.

JACKI'll be a dishwasher, I'll livein a flophouse.

MICHAELWhat the hell happened?

JACKI'm not going, I told you; I'mnot going ever again. I'm sickand tired of traveling, sick andtired of broads. They all havethe same asses and I can't seemto love them anyway. I can'ttake another hotel room, andswimming pools and trendyrestaurants! I want to know

135.

what my life's all about. Doyou know what your life's about,Michael?

Michael has no answer to these questions. He leaves.


Michael, wearing an apron and holding a wooden spoon,goes into Jack's room. The latter, lying on his bed,is smoking and staring at the ceiling.

MICHAELCome on, I made us a good dinner.I bought some filet mignon andHaagen-Dazs butter pecan. WhenPeter comes back he'll cheer youup...

JACKHe's been here all day.

MICHAELHe has? I didn't hear him...

JACKHe's in his room.

MICHAELWhat?

Michael heads towards Peter's room. Jack feebly getsup and follows him.

Michael knocks on the door. No answer.

MICHAELPeter! Dinner's ready!

Still no answer. Michael opens the door: Peter's lyingface-down on his bed.

He's holding the rubber giraffe and sobbing. Michaeland Jack, dismayed, stare at him. Peter hides his facein his arm.

Jack and Michael go to the kitchen and sit down to theirsteaks, totally depressed.

138 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 138

The DOORBELL RINGS. A bare-chested Michael, in jeans,drags himself over to the front door and opens it.There stands Sylvia with Mary in her stroller.

136.

Sylvia is a disheveled mess.

SYLVIAIs Jack here? 'Cause I'm a mess.I can't handle it, I'm all alone...

MICHAEL(shouting towards Jack's room)

Jack! Jack, c'mere for Chrissake!

SYLVIA'Cause my place is tiny, y'know,and my schedule's insane -- and Ijust finished four days of posingand we ended up every day at...

Jack, bare-chested, comes in pulling on his jeans. Hestops short at the front door. Sylvia is about to cry.

SYLVIA(to Jack)

Yeah, y'see, Jack, I just didfour days of posing...

JACKYeah...

SYLVIAAnd every day we finished atthree in the morning and sinceMary always gets up around 5:30...

JACKYeah...

SYLVIAWell, you can imagine how muchsleep I've gotten...

JACKYeah, of course, 'cause afterthe 5:30 bottle it starts allover again around nine...

SYLVIAAnd by the time I change herand play with her a little, it'salready eight o'clock...

JACKAnd then that's it -- you getonly an hour of sleep.

SYLVIAAnd the babysitters till threeA.M. -- all my money is sucked

137.

down the tubes!

JACKPlus they don't put the kids tobed, they let them lie aroundhalf-naked...

SYLVIAOh, so the flowers and therabbit were from you...

JACKI could have strangled that guy...

SYLVIAI mean it, I can't cope anymore.My parents and I don't talk toeach other and anyway they livein Texas, and the baby needs toget out to the park...

MICHAELYeah, tell me about it! Findingtime to take her to the parkevery day is a real bitch!

SYLVIAAnd I have to work, I need themoney to survive and anyway Ilove my job...

A distraught Peter, bare-chested and in jeans, comesrunning in from his room.

SYLVIABut to work I've gotta havea babysitter, and to have ababysitter I need to work,so I run around all day...

(she sobs)... and I'm not sure I'mtaking good care of her...

PETEROf course you're taking goodcare of her -- we know what it'slike, don't cry, she looks great...

SYLVIA(sobbing)

It's just 'cause I haven't sleptin four nights -- she must beteething or something, I don'tknow but I can't manage...

PETERDon't worry, it's nothing, she's

138.

cutting a tooth -- you just haveto put some stuff on her gums...

MICHAELShe pulled the same thing on us.We lost all our friends in onenight -- on account of one tooth!

SYLVIAAnd just look at my face!Nobody's going to want me tomodel for them with the way myface looks... And what'll happento me if they don't want meanymore?

MICHAELBut you're beautiful -- At yourage all you need is a good night'ssleep and you'll look like new.

SYLVIARight, a good night's sleep --but when?

PETERWell, why don't you leave thebaby with us for a few days,till you recuperate... I mean,if you want.

MICHAELWe're old pros -- it's not abig deal for us...

SYLVIA(blowing her nose, wiping her eyes)

Really? I can leave her withyou for a little while?

JACKOf course. Leave her with us.Come back whenever you want.Get some rest.

Sylvia, between two sobs, picks up a big bag beside heron the doorstep.

SYLVIAI brought a couple of thingsfor her, just for a few days...

Michael eagerly takes the bag from her. It's followed bya second, and then a third.

PETER

139.

(taking Mary in his arms)

Is she hungry?

SYLVIAYeah, it's time for her bottle-- it's all ready in the bag...

JACKI'll go heat up some water rightaway. Would you like a cup ofcoffee?

SYLVIAOh, okay, thanks...

Peter, carrying Mary towards the kitchen, is followed byJack and Michael with the bags.

Sylvia blows her nose and walks around aimlessly in thehall.

In the kitchen the three men bustle about with the bags,the bottle, the saucepan... They've swallowed all theirpride and are kissing Mary all over, on her neck, herhands, her tummy. They're deliriously happy. Michaeltakes some sheets out of the bag.

MICHAELI'll go make up her bed!

He exits, and, once in the corridor, prances around,leaping and dancing... He gets to the living room andgoes over to the crib: suddenly, he recoils and freezes,a fearful expression on his face. Then he turns andraces back to the kitchen.

MICHAEL(floored)

Hey, you guys -- come and see,come and see!

PETERWhat?

MICHAELCome see, I said.

Jack and Peter nervously follow Michael into the livingroom. They stop short in front of the crib: There isSylvia, curled up in a fetal position, sucking her thumband sleeping like an angel.

MICHAELThe poor thing, she's reallywiped out.

140.

JACKShe'll need two or three monthsto recover, at least... Maybemore!

PETERWe could set up a room for herhere...

MICHAELA room for her and a room forMary...

JACKThen we could have four shiftsinstead of three!

PETERYeah, but I don't think she'llagree. She's got her own lifeto live.

MICHAELYeah, she probably wouldn't wantto move here. She'd think we'djump on her any chance we could...

JACKBut we'd make a rule, she'd justbe 'one of the guys!'

MICHAELShe'll never want to...

SYLVIA(very awake)

So, I'll take the ten A.M. to threeP.M. shift... And I'll take everyother night... plus the walk inthe park in the afternoon before Igo to work... and we split therent equally... and I'll just be'one of the guys'... deal?

PETER, MICHAEL, AND JACK(smiling broadly)

Deal.

Mary suddenly comes in from the kitchen, walking unstead-ily but determinedly. She's dragging Graton's rabbit byits ear. She looks at the four of them and laughs herhead off.

FREEZE FRAME.

END!

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Three Men and a Baby - Daily Script - Movie Scripts and ... · PDF fileThree Men and a Baby Written by COLINE SERREAU and ... You're a lifesaver, I've been trying to get away from