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Predicting the end ofthe world since 1987
UBC Science Faculty sold toan American !
"It's the biggest thing since Sony! "Cord van McOlundskyandIrving WashingtonRoving Correspondents
VANCOUVER (CP)
In a surprise news confer-ence last week; Arthur
Griffiths, local science mag-nate, announced the "redistri- unavailable for comment,Th ebutton" of controlling inter-
432 was able to reach someests in many of Vancouver's
people who claim to haveprofessional science organiza- known McCaw from before
- ~tionsiuBesdenee:-The
_ he became one of America'sbuyer : reclusive multi-million- richest men .aire John McCaw. But who is
"John was always such aJohn McCaw? In a rare public quiet boy," said Mrs . Johnson ,appearance, he attended
McCaw's kindergartenThursday afternoon's SUS
teacher. "He would sit in theAGM, although he has been
corner for hours, colouring lit -
Irving WashingtonRaving Correspondent
In breaking news today,physicists at the KAON
research center haveannounced the discovery of anew particle, suspected fordecades but only observed forthe first time yesterday .
The particles were first pro-posed during late allnightersin the '50s. Scientists workingon the first particle accelera-tors would work long shifts inunderground bunkers . In suchan enclosed space, odourswould concentrate andbecame detectable. A particu-larly foul smell wentuntraced, and the search foranew particle had begun.
"It's the most offensive par-tide known. It's created whenstench and anti-stench col-lide, and annihilate oneanother. The products of sucha collision are e .m. emissionssuch as infrared radiation and
hard radiation in the forms ofgamma rays and the newlydiscovered 'phartons' . '
Originally difficult to locate,the pharticles are of uniquelybiological manufacture. Theonly place you are likely tofind anti-stench is in a specialquantum-designated digestiv eenzyme. Other complication sto the detection are the wave-particle duality, and the quali-tative nature of registeringpresence.
Dr. P.0 Deltit explains :"The wave-particle dualitycan be observed in any livin-groom. Particularly afte rMexican or turkey meals .While it is true that the dissi-pation follows the familiarinverse-square law, it is notunlikely for two or more indi-viduals to be simultaneouslyemitting, seriously confusingwave patterns and thereforelocal distribution of energy.What you observe at this timeis that some detectors are in
tie pieces of green paper . Hewas always happy; the onlytime I ever saw Johnny cry,was on Picture Day. Hewouldn't let the photographernear him. I guess it's becauseof his terrible disfigurement.You know: the hook"
Next to come forward wasThe Amazing Preskin, of theAmazing Preskin's Centre forParanormal Research . Preskinclaims to have channeled thememories of a decreased asso-ciate of McCaw's. In a seanceheld for the benefit of The432, the Amazing Presldn
domains of constructive inter-ference . These personspromptly wrinkle their nosesor experience watering of theeyes . Some even salivate .Eeew. Meanwhile, others areoblivious to the emissionsbecause they are in nodes. "
Speculators believe that theparticles are not exactly natur-al to the geosphere.
"They came from space, "explains Deltit, "From aliens .No, really. There's no otherexplanation . Just think of thepower contained in just a tinyburst! We're talkin' transgalac-tic transportation at superlu-minous velocities. You know,blue flames . "
Plans are to develop aweapon, as soon as the US.Department of Defense candetermine whether or notsuch a weapon would violateinternational agreementsrestricting gas weaponry.
contacted Helmut the Large, aVisigoth chieftain from thesecond century AD. SaidHelmut of McCaw :
"Ya, I remember Johann . Hecould sack a city like no voneelse I ever knew. He vas derewhen ve took Rome, and letme tell you, that man was avizard with a siege engine !Even vit that vooden leg ofhis . Vere did you say he isnow? Vancouver? Any bi gvalls I should know about? "
According to McCaw's sec-retary, the new owner of UB CScience has been out of town ,despite a rash of McCawsightings throughout the city.To date, McCaw has beenspotted in seventeen differentlocations over the last threedays, including the BurnabySave-On-Foods, a small pri-vately-owned gas station nearMission and five trailer parks
just outside Aldergrove.Ed, the owner of Phil's Gas,
describes the meeting :"Y'see, I knew it was tha t
McCaw feller from the secondhe stepped outta that dangbig vee-hicle . Saw his photoon the news, y'see, but I neverthought I'd meet dat guy inperson. Sure seemed polite'nuff,although y'd think amulti-billionaire could tipmore than two bits forgettin'his oil checked . Ah, guess it' sthat glass eye of his makeshim all nervous or some -thin' . "
When asked via electroni cmail about plans for thefuture of UBC Science,McCaw's reply came backwith only one word :"Condos! "
The future of UBC Scienceis obviously unclear .
unavailable to the press sincethe announcement of hi sacquisitions. While sourcesclose to McCaw are also
New Particle Discovered!
"Ready?"
T H E
F 0 U R T H I R T Y- T . W 0 Monday, March 13, 199 5EDITOR commas OTTER STUFFBlair McDonald Leona Adams, Elvis Arnold, Jay Garda, The 432 is the official publication of th eJohn Hallett, Graeme Kennedy, Andrea Science Undergraduate Society of UBC .IIONOURARY EDITOR "Just call me Jake" Klassen, Tracy Opinions expressed herein are those ofGraeme Kennedy MacKinnon, Blair McDonald, Michelle the individual contributors, especially i fMcLeod, Glen Stokes, Lynn van Rhijn, they express support for those &%*(% inASSISTANT EDITORS Roger Watts, Matt Wiggin, Elaine Wong Arts . By the way, all rights reserved, Th eRoger Watts, John Hallett 432, 1995, so God help those Arts guy sif they copy ArtsBoy TM's picture.Volume 8 Number 12
. Monday, March 13, 1995
Old age.F
OR THE FIRST time in my life, Ifinally feel old. Usually, I've bee n
the youngest in my group of friends,but by now, I've gotten over all themajor coming-of-age events.I've got my driver's license . Ican go into bars without fearof the bouncer . In fact, I cansit back and enjoy a fine glassof the bitters without feelingcompletely out of place .
BlairAnd I can finally enjoy mak-
ing fun of the unlucky frosh McDonald It happened in a publi cplace, too. I was sitting in White Spot ,morosely chewing whatever food thewaitress threw down in front of me . Icertainly couldn't see what it was .Suddenly a burst of white light shat-tered my brain, and left me with asplitting head thumper .
Luckily, I had a copy of my currentprescription, and' LensCrafter spromised me new glasses "within th ehour . "
And now I can see.I can see that I'm still old .It's quite a shock to sit here, and
realize that I can now count m yinvolvement with this wonderful ragin years. And realize that I still haveyears to go before I can escape to therelative ease of composing 20 pageterm papers every three months ,instead of a 800 word article every twoweeks.
I'll take the term paper any day,folks. Writing this stuff . . . well, let'sjust say I'll be slowing down a bit nex tyear. No more trying to get a paperout every two weeks,, always on theMonday. I'm gonna take it a bit easier.I'm gonna take a vacation from timeto time.
Really.I just thank whatever higher powers
exist, usually on a daily basis, that myhair isn't turning gray or falling out .
At least not yet. My granddad's beenbald since he was 20, so it's entirelypossible that I'll wake up on the morn -ing of the 18th with a big pile of hai ron my pillow and none on my head .
It would be as if all the follicles gottogether when I wasn't watching andagreed on a good time to pull up thestakes and make-a run for it .
I must admit, that particular sce-nario's been visiting my nightmare son a fairly regular = basis over the lastfew weeks .
So, if I walk into class on the 20thwearing a toque, and it's not 20 below,you'll know exactly what happenedon my 20th birthday.
Upcoming Events at th ePreMed Society
March 14 — Lecture by Dr. SteinboxNeurosurgery
March 21 - Do it youself brai nsurgery, hosted by Dr. H . Frankenstein
March 28 interview Church Chatfeaturing Carolynn and her buddie s
from Med12:30 in Biol 2449
Publications*Pei .so a/ ho tpages•B1IS13ICSS ei( 've)-tis13Ig*Composition and storage services .*Free updates • No transfi'r charges•Businesses/Orgeui zaztlons SIO/31Ith
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a day groping my way around myplace . I could read, if you call holdinga newspaper up in front of one's nosereading. I could do my homework, i f
my prof was exceptionallyskilled in translating com-plete and utter garbage intoEnglish.
Trying to focus on the mul -tiple blurs around me als ooverloaded my brain, rather
who aren't of age.But I'm feeling old, and that's a new
feeling for me .It's due to a few reasons .First, my twentieth birthday is rapid -
ly approaching. The big 2-0. Sigh.Now, before everyone who's 23 andover out there start to mock me, try toremember what you felt like. I'm will-ing to bet that just about everyonewent through this stage in life at onetime or another .
Second, I'm now wearing a pair ofgunmetal steel glasses . I think theymake me look. like a slightly stupidyuppie.
Now, I've got to share the reasonwhy I'm wearing a new pair o'specs ,and apologies in advance to y'allwho're getting sick and tired abouthearing about my girlfriend, Elana .
Elana's standing on a chair, trying toput something up on a shelf.Somehow, and don't ask me how, sh emanages to fall out of a wide, stee lbodied chair . It's a chair that couldeasily support a battleship.
Me, being the sensitive gentleman Iam, rush to try and catch her beforeher head cracks against-the floor . Imanage to grab her, but in thanks formy act of heroism, she elbows me inthe face!
My frames shatter into three or fourpieces, and my right side lens get sfirmly planted into the side of my eye .
For those of you who don't know,my lenses were crafted by the samekind folks who polished the lenses forthe Hubble, with comparable size andthickness .
It would be fair to say that a lens ofthat nature leaves quite an interestingmark in the side of one's face.
So now I'm blind, and in possessionof a really cool facial discolouration
Elana's fit of hysteria shortly there -after did absolutely nothing toimprove my sense of humour.
I never realized exactly how much Irely on my glasses until I had to spend
Monday, March 13,1995
T H E
F O U R
T H I R T Y- T W O
3
OUR FA U OrIS S ARTBRttER
`loaf UN AL.YUMIAFr A Sol W ITI IA 5t%EtotE
DfE,REE .. .
SCIENCE STUDENSKEEP THEIRNAIuRAL HAIR
cotourA
SUENCE 1E95NAVE o9vtoUS8Lr1L .K
AN D
ANSWRtS
SET YOU,'IMAM `lou cANNAME ONE REDEEM lN6 aUAuWWABOUT THE FACULTY
OF A 0.T'S !
Editor's Note: Although yes, the Arts County Fair can be a lot of fun, this cartoon shouldn't be Interpreted as off idol support for the Fair or any activities of the Arts Undergrad Soddy. In fac, we think Glen probably accepted a bribe to draw this bit of advertising, and we'r e
considering pressing charges. And just for the sake of balance, well be sure to bash Arts twice as much as normal to nxmpensate.
Grasping at straws.I
AM BEING METwith an interest-
ing dilemma : Iincreasingly desireto keep writing,but the proverbia lwell has gone dry.A variety of rea-sons have beensuggested as t o
why this is, everything from a waste ofcreative energies venting on my fellowman (sorry (you know who you are))to old age to my friends becomingmore boring. Coke-induced centralneuropathy has even been suggested,but I'd rather not discuss it until a set -tlement has been resolved .
Not to say that you'd be able to tellif there were any environment-relate dbrain damage anyway. My brain isjust a tad quirky . It has recently beenbrought to my attention that I rea dthings strangely. I don't think it fallsunder the current categorization ofdyslexia, but considering that theword simply means "bad reading", Iimagine Kathie Lee Gifford's autobiog -raphy could be encompassed by sucha loose definition. Anyhow, I. don'tknow whether it's related to the num-ber of words which my brain perceive sat any given time, but suffice it to say,kaka has been known to occur. Lastmonth, during Eating Disorde rAwareness Week, I ran across a poste rwhich I thought said: "You too can bethin." What an odd poster to display,thought I, especially considering that I
had just seen a poster advertising aslide presentation on body image .Upon re-reading the poster, I foundthat the heading actually read: "Youcan be too thin." Kinda puts a wholedifferent spin on the matter .
Another quirk I've noticed since lastyear as I was doing my undergrad the-sis, and I'm trying somewhat success-fully to keep a secret from my currentsupervisor. My brain has'acertain sat-uration point of information intake .When this threshold is reached, i twires down to my ears and says "OK ,that's it. You can keep listening if youwant, but I'm not writing it down."This situation has the irritating habi tof presenting itself as I am trying totake notes in a lecture or receiving crit -ical instructions or, often worse, direc-tions. If I notice in time, usually I tryto get the person to take a breakbriefly. If you've ever noticed that Itend to interrupt at seemingly inop-portune times, this might clear thingsup. Sometimes, in lectures, I fight th edesire to tune out. Unfortunately ,neurotransmitters are then released ,putting me to sleep.
My brain also thrives on its unique-ness. While other people tend t oimprove with practice, I tend to comeout of the gate, guns blazing, and get-about a 100 metres or so before fallin gflat on my face . Take bowling, fo rexample . A couple weeks ago, I went5-pin bowling with some friends. Thefirst game, I got 160, someone else gotabout 120, and the others were under
a hundred. The second game, tw owere in the 120s, one was at about 90,and I was about 60 . I think I mayhave seen too many Sprite commer-cials (Dance to the beat of your owndrummer! Be non-conformist! (Looklike an idiot!) Drink Sprite!)
There are occasions when my brainwill respond to the call of reason. Lastweek, for example, as I was walkingback from lunch, I ran-into To mArnold. Not Robin Williams,; who hasbeen seen by everyone else in theLower Mainland except me, or some-one else for whom I have respect, fo rexample, but Tom Arnold. There wasthis small corner of my brain whic hsaid, "Wow! He's famous! Go talk tohim!!" And I probably would have lis-tened, too, were it not for the angelperched on my other shoulder . Shesaid, "Leona, we have watched a fai rpercentage of the episodes o f"Roseanne ". We have seen about tenminutes each of each of this man's sit -coms. We have watched him.in "TrueLies" . Did you enjoy that?"
"Well, no," I answered sheepishly.
"Do you like this man?"
"No."
"Do you have any respect for him atall as a human being?"
"No.""Then don't talk to him."
"But he's famous. "About this time, my conscience gave
up and went for coffee.
Just when I'm getting down o nmyself, I think about other people ,and I don't feel so bad. In my lab ,there is another grad student fromTanzania who's about 3 inches shorte rand about 50 pounds lighter than I .For some reason, certain people wh owork in our building have this irritat-ing habit of referring to me by hername, and vice versa . The only thingwe have in common is our hairstyleand the colour of our skin . It'sstrange, at least I think so : if I can keepidentical twins straight, I think theyshould be able to tell the differencebetween people as different as .. . well,the old Oprah and the new Oprah .
On the subject of race, I always findit interesting when people use expres-sions like, "I ran into this girl like youthe other day." Girl like me? Five-foot-six? Master's student? Marginallyattracted to Brad Pitt (hey, I'm not fol-lowing the trend, I liked him way bac kbefore the Legends of the What-have-you)? So, upon pressing them, youget expressions like African-Canadian.Listen . If F.W. DeKlerk immigratedhere, he'd be African-Canadian . I, onthe other hand, am just black . Asthose of you I've managed to cornerand expound upon already know, Ithink political correctness is a load of
hooie. I'd rather have the evil Iknow than the evil I don't any day ofthe week . Why do you think I'm stillliving on campus?
Leona . .
Adams
4
T H E
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Monday, March 13, 1995
John gets really bitter.I
WAS SITTING IN SUS, plucking th eeyes out of a still kicking squirrel ,
when some onecame up to meand asked me if Iwere bitter abou tsomething . Idon't like to bedisturbed.
Ten minute slater, I was sittingin SUS, pluckin gthe eyes out of astill kicking curi-
ous bastard, when a nice man wit hyellow strips on his legs came up an ddidn't ask me if I were bitter abou tsomething.
I'm not going to tell you what hap-pened because I am rather terribl yembarrassed about the whole incident,especially the man with the rubbe rgloves . I will, however, give you aclue: I'm writing this with chal kbecause They think pencils are to osharp.
Life sucks. It really does. No matterhow many good things happen to youin your life, there will always be anequal number of completely rotte nthings just waiting around the corne rto ruin your day . . . week . . . month. . .year . . . oh, what the heck . . . life .
"Why am I so bitter? " you ask. Le tme explain : <WARNING: What isabout to follow is a personal theory o f
CLUE SAcros s1 . Opposite of green-blu e3 . Located at the end of the rainbow4. Opposite of green-yellow7. Lights ou t11 . The colour of limes13. A lucky. . .15 . Opposite of 717 . Castle in the homelan d18 . The colour of olives20 . Skinhead rockera22. Reason so many Irish immigrant s
came to Canad a
Down2. Lucky little person5 . Kiss it for luck6. Colour of the forest8. Colour of the army9. Colour of the ocean10. Colour of a sweet spice12. The homelan d14 . . . . the Irish (saying)16 . The only beer to drink19 . French
And the theme is :
St Patrick's Day
John's . We've never published any-thing this bizarre before and frankly,don't know what to expect .>
John's Theory on Bad Luck
Assumptions :1)Misery is finite .
Translation : There is only so muchshit to go around .
2) Everyone can expect a certainlevel of woe based upon assumption 1 .
Translation: All this shit is roughlyspread around even.
3) There exists a standard deviationfrom the normal amount of depres-sion one must endure .
Translation: Everybody gets aboutthe same amount of shit.
Conclusion:
If a person should take more thantheir share of bad luck, the rest of th eworld will benefit as a whole because(by #1 and #2) the finite amount ofmisery has been depleted by mor ethan a single person's average share
(#3) .Translation : Since I take so much
shit, there's less shit for you to dea lwith .
This puts a silver lining on bad luck,and should theoretically make th eworld a better place. Unless, of course,some unnamed person has been takingway more than their fair load of shi tfor a long time . Then this nicethought becomes a little . . . empty. Ihave come to the conclusion that I ,being the black hole of misery I am,have allowed more than one mas smurderer to roam the streets free dueto astonishingly good luck. In fact, Ithink this adequately explains NewYork City .
What to do about this problem ?Well, I could just off myself and dothe world (well, at least lowe rManhattan) a great favour. . . nahhh-hh. I've been dealt enough shit in mylife to justify taking me and rest of myshit to over one hundred years of age
just so my minions of death can roamthe surface of the Earth distributingpayback for all the shit the world' sseen fit to generously lather upon me .
Amen.Then again. . . I might not wind up
taking more than my share after all .Maybe I just have to live a really rot-ten decade or two in order to wallowin luxury the rest of my life . If that' sthe case, I'll be reaching the top of thehill at about 21 .
So, if my luck doesn't turn around,I'll know what level of hell I get to putthe world through for the rest of mylife . If my luck does turn around, theworld is safe and I'll be sending The
432 postcards from Tahiti for th eexplicit purpose of taunting all of you .I just love being in charge of some -thing this big.
Just so you know, I fully intend toshow favourtism in the distribution ofmy wrath. I'll start accepting bribesimmediately.
JohnHallett
Crossword II :The Crossword Returns
Monday, March 13,1995
T H E
F O U R
T H I R T Y - T W O
5
My first time.ou never forget your first time . I
Yremember mine . I didn't want todo it, but she was irresistable .
It was difficult, but got easier. Andthen it was over. I guess I was a bi tyoung, but what the heck? Made m efeel superior to my friends for years .Nothing like experience .
She showed me diagrams to helpme improve. She told me about theshaft, about control an dacceleration. Eventually Ibecame quite the littleexpert . I had to get past the'turning on' part, but oncethat bridge was crossed it wasall downhill . It was the tim-ing that was off: push, twist,pump. Then release beforeyou shoot forward too fast, or worse :flood the chamber! I never got i tright . I'm just glad there was n odamage.
Naturally, I had to keep this asecret . My mother would haveblown a gasket if she ever found outabout my little 'after school project' .Mothers can be so protective . Iremember her warning me about thefast ones. That's how I learned aboutprotecting myself. (If I don't nobodyelse will) I'm religious about it ,descpite - the fact` that I hate the feel -ing of being confined: restricted. Theprice you pay for peace of mind .
My dad taught me the down anddirty stuff. All that uncomfortabl efidgiting, looking at the shoes, gig-gling. Dad was a mess .
"Lubrication, son. That's the key.Always make sure you've go tenough. You know how to check tosee if there's enough, don't youson?" I said I did . I didn't . Sheshowed me how. She told me abou twhich lubricants were best for myneeds . She told me about friction .
She told me about taking it slow .Watching what I was doing. Usingmirrors. What to do if you've had a n
p
accident, or if you smell somethingsuspicious . Or that if you get drowsythat you should stop get out and gofor a walk, rather than risk fallingasleep at the helm .
I remember seeing my first in amagazine . (Centerfold!) I had th epicture up in my locker at school ,salivating at it every day. Now was .my chance to live my dream . My
chance to be a man."Can I go all the way ,
now?" I asked . "Yes," sheanswered, "you can driv eme home."
Seriously, though.Learning to drive is a rea lchore. I have spent many arelationship trying to teach
my respective other to drive . I havecultivated respect for driving instruc -tors.
I recall a particularly challengingyoung lady. She was a little scatter-brained to begin with, and I proba-bly shouldn't have been too confi-dent but there we were in the CapCollege parking lot . Not a car insight. Except ours . Duh .
We practiced inching forward foran hour or so (much to th edetrement of one clutch), and I fig-ured she was ready to try actua laccelleration. Sipping on my super-big-gulp, I directed her to 'step onit' .
Okay, so now we were nose downin a ditch . I'm covered in pop an dmore than a little cheezed . I ask he rsit on the rear bumper to try t oweigh down the back wheel and gettraction to back out . In the back ofmy mind I guess I thought abou twhat could happen if I accelerate dtoo quickly with a woman on th ehatchback, but I didn't really believeit would work . It was nice while i tlasted.
To all Science Clubs :Blurbs for the Guide '95 are
now being accepte d
Eye Test.
Osquare?
circle ?
Draw an arrow to the correct shape .
A
Review of the UBC Library
A committee chaired by Lynn Smith, Dea nof the Faculty of Law, has been established t oconduct a review of the UBC Library system .The last review of the Library was conductedin 1988 . The committee's terms of referencesare :• To examine the operation of the
University Library and its role in sup -port of the University's mission
• To comment on the accountability an dthe overall effectiveness of the Library'sstaff and its organizational structur e
• To identify the Library's strengths, andalso any opportunities which th eCommittee perceives for improving itsprograms, its relationships with bot hinternal and external organizations, an dfor better utilizations of the financia land other resources assigned to theLibrary.
• To examine the Library's strategic plansfor dealing with technology, space, col -lections, access, services, and staff
The committee will welcome written submis -sions from ' individuals or groups.Submissions should be received no later tha nApril 14, 1995 and should be addressed to :
Byron HenderSecretary, Library Review Committee
Office of the Vice President, Student & Academic Services124-6328 Memorial RoadVancouver BC V6T 1Z 1
fax 822-8194 e-mail bender@ nixg.ubc.ca
1:1 Lu
z-J
GraemeKennedy
MondayMarch 20 --
Last iuet
II
111
T H E
F O U R
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Monday, March 13, 1995
The New Campus Heroes !
I . I1
1Major Strengths : 1
IAble to recite ancient German epic poetry from memory. 1
ICapable of flipping a gadzillion burgers in the blink of an eye . 1
iSmokes anything, but doesn't inhale . 1
IOvercomes logical thinking with his brute stupidity . 1
I1
I1
IMajor Weaknesses: 1
iActually dumber than toast. Can be easily duped into falling 1
for any villain ' s evil plot . 1Grammar. 1Lack of opposable thumbs makes handling tools difficult. 1
1
Battle Cry:"Huh?" '
Alter Ego:None. ArtsBoym, along
with the rest of the Arts'M clancan easily be recogonized in acrowd.
Current Mission:To prolong graduation a s
long as possible, by stacking histranscript full of first year Artscourses. Expected to completethis mission by 2003, or later ifjob prospects do not improve .
1
Lr • -.
1 I 1I1
III ScienceGeekTh I
1 I II II Major Strengths:
I1 11 Can calculate the exact rate of acceleration of a falling body
11 heading directly for ScienceGeek Tm 's head.
11 Carries a pocket calculation powerful enough to control the
11 entire US military-industrial complex.
11 1Immune to most organic solvents.1 11 11 11 Major Weaknesses:,
11 Freezes solid in presence of opposite sex . -
i1 1 Totally blind without-appropriate corrective lenses .
11 Confuses easily by references to literature, poetry, languages, or
11 1 anything else not directly related to British humour . -1 1 11 1 11 1 1Battle Cry :1
"Pi to the e!"
Alter Ego:It could be you .
Current Mission:To study, study ,
study and complete andouble Honours
1 1
degree in the least1
time possible .
Clip and save these valuable trading cards! Also available: the SUB Action Adventure Set(comes with moveable action figures! )
Next week: The Villains . Set of four includes The Dean, and the Real World !
ArtsBoyr =
11
1. 1
--- - 1
I 1 '111111i i11i1111111111 . 11 1
rTM 1
I
wlIdlue
w.
III
1
-
1L
1
Current Mission:To infiltrate
major student govern-ments across Canada ,spreading chaos bymaking wholesalechanges and firin gstaff.
i1i1i11
Major Strengths :Can adopt a resolution to form a committee to investigate the
possibility of drafting an policy for any circumstance .Speaks a completely unintelligible tongue, useful for secret corn
munications .Dagger at the ready, and Teflon' M armour surgically inserted in
the dorsal region .
Major Weaknesses:Thinks the rest of the population supports his/her policies whe n
actually the vast majority doesn't realize elPrezTm even exists.Incapable of action without a notarized copy of all current rules
and regulations.Bribes .
III1111i1
r -
1
-L
— --
Major Weaknesses :Various hair dyes are reducing its average intelligence .if soaked, will turn into a mound of goo .General lack of knowledge to back up its poorly-conceived, eco-
Communist dogma .
Battle Cry:"Save the. . .<insert anything here>! "
Alter Ego :Greenpeace organizers or
UVic students.
Current Mission:To infiltrate major student
governments across Canada ,spreading chaos by makingwholesale changes and firingstaff. '
Major Strengths :Willing to sacrifice its personal freedom to save the nesting site s
of the Amazonian white-footed pygmy goa tNutritious and filling .Can smell a logger from 200 paces.Contains a fun prize in 'every box!
------------- -Granolan
1 11
11
11 1
J L -- -
i111
-- J----------- - - - - - - ---- -
i11111
.1
.
Monday, March 13,1995
T H E
F O U R
T H I R T Y - T W O
Predictions of the Future .The 432 Great ArmageddonTM,
During the renovations at Scarfe, workers stumbled across a leather boun dbook sealed into the old foundations . Amazingly enough, the book appear s
to contain Nostradamus' lost predictions covering the imminent apocalypse .
1)And the day shall arrive when we will see the coincidence of the shoes o fplatform with the hair of the shag. And that this will be considered attractive .And all shall suffer thus .
2) And that all fashions will happen simultaneously-together-at-the-same-time-concurrently-equitemporally. Like . And all of mankind shall be confuse dby it.
3) And that a time will come when all styles of the retro will coincide with th estyles themselves, and this is the first sign of the Apolcalypse .
4) And that the second sign of the Apocalypse shall be riders upon pale horse snumbering four. First shall come the horse of Music, ridden by the George Boy .Second, the horse of Fashion, ridden by Len . E . Kravitus. Next, the horse ofTaste, directed by the Olive Stone, and finally shall come the horse of Literature ,commanded by King Stephen .
5)And the third sign shall be the arrival of the Beast . It shall be known by thenumber which it bears upon its flanks, that number being four hundred an dthirty-two. Produced by alchemists, it is truly profane. Flee for your lives whenyou see this evil, and believe not what the Beast sayeth, for it will suck you int oits web of lies.
6) Oh, by the way, Graeme, your keys are under your sofa cushion .
7)The Canucks in '94.
!1993
'hwatlemBody piercing
i becomes popular
Ren and Stimpy hit
Apr 1, 1995the airwaves
The 1980s
tpoealll,,c . ;
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ion are here
Woodstock
The 1970s
a sunny day inJune, 1974
The 60s was the Decade Thought Forgot .The 70s was the Decade Taste Forgot .
The 80s was the Decade Talent ForgotThe 90s was the Decade I'll Try To Forget .Last week I witnessed K -Tel selling The Best Of The Eighties . this album
included an endless supply of hits produced in this decade, and I was appalle dto recognize the vast majority. I was more embarassed to have known th ewords. I was mostly embarassed to have picked up the phone .
Amung the talent hosted on this CD were Duran Duran, The Fixx, and otherfavourites from my youth. Why, I thought, it seemed like only yesterday. . .
Wait a minute, it was yesterday. We're only five years into the decade and thelast decade has become a classic? When did the 70s stop being the good ol ddays? When did this happen? How did this happen? Did this happen ?
There's the trick! The 70s are still retro, coinciding with the 80s! Observe :
1940
1950
1960
1970
1980
199()
This' is an unprecedented disaster . We can forsee a scenario developing inwhich all retro styles will coincide, leaving no room for new fashion, and i nwhich there is no distinction between current taste and retro. We can expect i tto evolve in certain identifiable localities first. New York is such a location.Observe the behaviour of people in this city and you see what the coincidenc eof styles heralds :the end of civilization as we know it .
Now, on the other hand, that's what they said about The Thompson Twins .The problem is further complicated at the point of conversion (calculated t o
take place next month or so) by the fact that time will invert . Beyond this point,fashion will begin as a retro-style, and then become the fashion later . Bizarre .
HoroscopesThe 432 Psychic Connection presents the following horoscopes for the
week of March 13, 199 4ARIES (March 21 - April 19) . You will buy a lottery ticket and get the
numbers 11 and 21 correct. You will run over your neighbour's cat an dblame it on a FedEx courier van .
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) .. Love waits at the corner of Hastings an dFraser, tell her "Guido" sent you and you'll save $50. You will put you rback out for some mysterious reason that I can't quite isolate .
GEMINI (May 21- June 21) . You don't want to know . Trust me. I'llsay just this: avoid things with an overall pointy motif .
CANCER (June 22 - July 22) . Your mother will call at 11 :05pm, soarrange to be out of the room to avoid explaining where your loan pay-ments are. You will find a lump during your daily self-examination .
LEO (July 23 - August 22) . The probation officer won't buy the stor yabout the alien abduction . Try saying you were under hynosys instead,it will buy you valuable time that can be used to stab him (a Gemini) t odeath and flee to Panama .
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22). You will both excel and fail utter-ly in academia today. To make i.t sporting, I won't tell you which sub-jects.
LIBRA (September 23 - October 23) . I forsee you meeting with someone about six feet tall, possibly less . I can't make out what you're talkingabout or even if you're talking at all . However, there is a spatulainvolved, I think .
SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) . You will have a bad hair day.Don't fight it or you will make it worse and miss math . Two parts aren' tso bad, anyway . Fashion-wise, you're setting major trends today, too badit's all belittled by your hair .
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) . Your sexual prowess isat an all-time high, unfortunately, you must endure it alone . Go to thepharmacy, buy a tub of vaseline,, and spend some quality time at hom ewith Dan Rather.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) . Your messiah complexflares up and you spend the majority of the afternoon wandering aroun ddowntown slapping people on the forehead saying "I release you fro mthis bondage. "
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) . You will wake up, go to class ,take notes, come home and go to sleep . In fact, this day will be prettymuch like all of your previous ones : boring. You'd be better off to kil lyourself now.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20) . I'm too tired for this predictionstuff. How about: "Things are looking up." I'm going home.
T H E
F 0 U
T H I R T Y- T W 0
M onday, March 1 3, 1995
The Meaning of Jay's Existence .
What has this got to do with arts ?With the exception of Anthropology,most arts students had finished theirexams weeks before. The Arts One pro-gram, of which two friends of mineare participants, is particularly guiltyof this, as most of them had beendone by the seventh of that month .To all of you, I offer a friendly raspbe r-ry.Ti t̀bppppppppppppppp a
Now, you're wondering, isn'tAnthropology an Arts subject, anddidn't arts students get drenchedalong with you? Nay, I declare, nay !Courses such as anthropology fulfil lthe humanities requirement of anyscience degree, so a large majority ofthe people who take such classes areactually science students! Ha !Vindicated!
It's always 'roundthis time of year
when I wonder
#
why I'm still inScience. Usuallythis is because,most nights, you
Jay
normally can findGarcia me hunched over
a text book intothe wee hours of the morning, eyesred and bleary, with far too much caf-feine in me, pondering how in th ehell you calculate a parametric curve ,all the while muttering about just howmany neutrinos can dance on thehead of a pin — or is that how manypins can dance on the head of a nangel?
By the time I get to this stage mymind has congealed so much that i thas the constituency of cold oatmeal(the Quaker Oats kind, not theSuperstore generic choice variety. If .my mind ever turned into generi cchoice oatmeal it would be runnin gout my ears), When I'm postive that Ican no longer absorb any kind of driv-el concerning Riemann sums, an dindices of refraction, it's probablyabout the right time for me to turn tostudy my arts subjects .
Arts. Now, there's 'a sore point . AsKevan Dettlebach once put it, the art sside is "faster, easier, less hours pe rweek and no labs ." The thought of nolabs should set any science student (o rat least any science student in Physic s102) salivating. Faster? Easier? Yo ubloody well bet . Time for a quickflashback .
December 20th, 1994 . The day o fmy Anthropology final, held in the farboondocks of Osboume gym. It was adrizzly day (like when isn't it a drizzl yday in Vancouver?) and I was halfwayto the gym when the skies opened up.A deluge of biblical proportions, or a tleast of biblical proportions as depict-ed by the immortal Cecil B . DeMil ,soaked me completely from head t otoe, forcing me to take-my fmal in a nincredibly damp state .
So why am I in science anyway?Why do I put up with hydrochlori cacid stains on my shirts, or high-volt-age electrocution, or long lectures inlarge rooms with really bad overheadlighting, or really loud stereo systemsblaring out a weird fusion of countr ymusic and techno?
(Sorry. That last one doesn't have alot to do with Science. It's just one ofmy many pet peeves . )
But I honestly don't know why I'm
in Science . Maybe it's got somethingto do with my fascination of brightflashes and loud explosions . Maybeit's because I hope to make my mark ,by making the world a 'better plac ethrough science.Or maybe it's because,in grades 11 and 12 I took far morescience courses than arts courses, andam therefore stuck in this track for th erest of my life .
Ah, well . As Dettlebach also said :"Once you start down the Arts path,
forever will it dominate your resume."At least I won't be a waiter for the restof my life.
(Ed. Well, this article clinches it. Thispaper has obviously undergone a genera-tional shift, and the young fellers are tak-ing over. Ya see, when fay starts to quoteKevan . . . well that's the true indicationwe're all getting old and gray. Sigh, I can'tbelieve I'm one of the old guys now. Why,I remember da day I walked into theoffice, young, naive and ready to help. . . )
`M?'f
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More Misinformation Coming Soon . . .
Monday, March 13,1995
T H B F 0 U R T H I R T Y - T W O
9
The Statistics of Being Weird .thick with tension - you could cut itwith a knife. The room is silent . I wasstruggling through yet another point -less stats lab, when <pause for dramat-ic of fect> . . .
. . .the guy next to me began singingsilly commercial jingles . "Oscar MeyerWieners. . ." Constantly. Over and overand over. And when I say singling, Idon't mean humming. I mean opera-style, breaking into song, loud .
Unfortunately, Mr Wiener wasn' tquite as irritating as the guy two ter-minals away, busy doing calculationswith S-Plus and snorting out Beavi sand Butthead imitations . "Snort .Snort . It sucks. Snort . "
Hey, I don't have anything againstBeavis and Butthead . It's not perhapsthe most intellectually simulatin gshow I've ever seen, but hey . . . I've gota soft spot for things with the average
Michelle McLeod intelligence of a moss-covered stump.Columnist Now, if this wasn't bad enough ,
some * A&)%$ across the room wa splaying with the volume and pitch o fthe beeping thing on the computer.Beep. Beeeep. Beep. Bee-eep. Beep . Thesilly jackass then moved onto his ren-dition of "Stars and Stripes Forever ."
Remember, this was all fairly typica lfor .knight in the lab. At least the tap-dancing panda bear decided to stay athome .
Elaine WongColumnist
Do you ever get people telling youthat you're weird? I'm not really
weird, or course. It's just that every-one in my department isn't exactly inline with the norm. I'm a statistic smajor. <sounds of boos and gasps fromthe audience> No, stats, does notbelong in Commerce, and yes, it is adepartment of science .
It's the same thing every night . Icome home from school . My cat
Luna is sitting on the counter. I tellher to get down . She doesn't. When Ifinally give up in disgust, then sh ejumps down . She goes to the refrigera-tor . I go to the refrigerator . She sits soclose to the door that when I open ither face makes an imprint . Shecareens over to her food dish andmanages to land right under the foodas it falls into her dish, leading to twohours of cleaning(her, not me) untilevery bit of Kal-Can is out of her ears .She eats . I eat . We study.
The ritual has gone on five days aweek, oh, say, fifty weeks a year, for afew years . That's roughly a thousandtimes. Is it too much to ask that someday she would greet me at the door ,and then wait by her dish for, oh, 1 6seconds or so?? ?
One day, after the one thousandthand one round, I took a long look atmy cat. I was going off to school . Shewas going off to nap . I was alreadyfrantic about a million details for theday. She had been staring into a voidfor a half an hour. "You know, Luna, "I said, "You are either really smart orreally stupid." What is it that they sayabout humans having the inane abili-ty to state the obvious? I checked .Yup. Human .
I decided to find out whether thehouse cat is really the aloof, mysteri-ous being that I always perceive it tobe, or whether it is just some fur cov-ered mobile meat loaf that has becomethat perfect sycophant .
When asked "How smart is a cat?",animal behaviorist CatrinaHerringbone, cat expert at theWashington headquarters of th eHumane Society said "A cat is verygood at being a cat. Does it better thananyone else .''Nuff said . To put it sim-ply, if you asked your cat to play
Unfortunately, all of my Arts-typefriends constantly tell me I'm thestrangest person they have ever met.Of course, they've never met othe rstats people . Let me give you someexamples .
It's a dark and stormy night . Ourheroine, Elaine, is sitting in the statslab, at about 9pm one night . The air i s
chess, it would look pretty stupid, bu tif it asked you to climb a tree, lea pinto a rain gutter, and catch a sparrowin mid-flight, you wouldn't look s oswift yourself.
We have to realize, though, that we ,with our three pound brain and 100trillion neurons are trying to figureout a critter with a two ounce, 10 bil-lion neuron brain . Even if Luna grewto my size, she'd still only have on ethird of a human's brain size . Probablyjust enough to wonder why I pee inher water bowl .
"On a cerebral chart, a cat fall sbetween a gerbil and a marmoset, "one neurologist says, "aside from that,I can't tell you how smart he is ."Don'cha just love science? Come t othink of it, that's probably where thebrain size of most of our politicianslies . Try and get a research grant forthat investigation.
Although many people don't believeit can be done, there are cats who canbe taught tricks. The problem is atten-tion span . When they reach the end oftheirs they will inevitably look up atyou with that look which effectivelymeans "Screw you, buddy, I'm goingover there to stare into space for awhile. Wake me if you see one o fthose little fuzzy moving things . Thenwe'll talk. "
When I come home tonight, Lun awill probably sit on the kitche ncounter, face plant the fridge, and bethe target for pet food warfare . Butshe's only a cat .
I taught Luna to play chess . Ishowed my friend.
"See," I said, "Now I can beat anentire species. "
"Yeah," he said "but it's not fair i fthey lick the pieces! "
Anybody got an extra rook?
Just wondrin' .
A few minutes later, while everyonewas continuing their various perfor-mances, and I was beginning to con-sider demonstrating the artistry of amass killing, a heart-piercing screamshattered the air. It came from thewomen's washrooms, and thoughts o ftrouble flashed across my mind . Mr.Wiener stopped his singing for abou t30 seconds to nudge me to go findout what happened.
II pushed open the door, to find agirl wailing and screaming . As, Irushed to her side, she screamed " Idropped my homework in the toilet" ,presumably in Cantonese, since that' swhat she translated in to English afew seconds later.
While someone else helped her fishpaper out of the toilet bowl, Ireturned to the lab to report the goo dnews to the rest of the room.
Everyone burst into laughter. "Howcould she do that" asked one person"What was she doing, studying whilestanding over the toilet?!? "
Good point, I thought, as I startedto hum along to the general merri-ment .
" . . .food, folks and fun . . ." Caught .I'm not weird. I'm not. I'm not.
I'm just a normal statistics major.
Same difference, you ask ?
Who's smarterme or my fish?
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10
T H E
F O U R
T H I R T Y - T W O
Monday, March 13, 1995
Pablo's Fish. For a Good Time,Call Your Dentist
Elvis ArnoldColumnis t
WtihinkEN MOST people think about having their wisdom teeth removed, they
only of the truly horrendous pain involved . Now, I've had mineremoved and I think that everyone should be made aware of just how much fu nit actually is .
Let me put this into perspective, a year ago I went to my new dentist for a ful ldiagnostic. Among other things, he suested that my wisdom teeth should beremoved. As I'm such a trusting kind of guy, I went along with the idea despiteall the horror stories I'd heard. The fun began immediately; they took X-rays ofmy jaw. I've never laughed so hard in a medical facility in my life! My lowe rright wisdom tooth was literally going the wrong way. Instead of growing uplike all the other nice little teeth, it was trying to grow forward! I think that allmy laughing upset the dental technicians, perhaps in the same sort of way tha tzookeepers might be upset to find all the monkeys lounging around inbathrobes and flossing their teeth (it could happen, you know!) .
Anyway, next thing on the list was to decide how best to avoid all this pai nthat everyone expects . Decisions, decisions: general anaesthetic, local anaes-thetic, or a general sedative. I didn't like the first option at all . Male pride/stu-pidity tells me "it's only pain, what are you so worried about?" Also, bein gasleep in the presence of people wielding knives and drills bothers me . The sec-ond option was out because, in contradiction with my previously mentione dmotive, being wide awake in the presence of people wielding knives and drill sbothers me . I chose the third option. Do you know what they mean when theysay "general sedative"? They mean valium, lots of injected valium! I thoughtthat this was a pretty neat idea .
So the big day arrives and I'm a bit nervous. The first thing they do is put aheart-rate monitor on my thumb. This was a nice, calming gesture, especiallythe way they quickly said that it was "just in case" . Oddly enough, I was fairlynervous and yet this little machine says my heart-rate is in the low 60s . . . .hmmmm. I probably should have paid more attention to that but that's whenthe valium arrived . Having never been injected with anything of the lik ebefore, I found this to be a fascinating procedure. I mentioned this ofte nthroughout the surgery and I think that that bothered them as well . They askedme to count backwards from a hundred to see just how conscious I was. I onlygot about thirty decimal places into my recitation of pi before I just had to com -
ment on the fascinating ceiling tilesabove me and the interesting bit offurniture that I was lounging on . Ibelieve that this is when I started tohear the pleasant little whine of smallpower tools.
Well, the actual removal of teethwas extremely exciting in a quiet, con -templative fashion . It didn`t- hurt(much) and I said things like"Interesting", "Fine" and "This is real -ly interesting" a lot Just a short thre ehours later, it was over and I was beingencouraged to get up and go for aquick jog around the block - no, notreally . At this point, I would hav ebeen thrilled to take the bus home butwiser (and less drugged) heads pre-vailed and my roommate drove mehome.
Overall, I can say that I learned twothings from having my teeth removed .First, it's all fun and games until thevalium wears off, then there's a signifi-cant amount of pain involved .Second, I should be more polite to th enext wild-eyed, blood-drooling mania cI meet on public transit . After all, hemight have just had his wisdom teethremoved.
SINCE the begin-ning of all time,
humanity hassearched for love .Perhaps it's th ecompanionship,perhaps it's theneed to nurture
Matt
and care for some-
Wiggin thing. If I ponderL ' this any further ,
I'm gonna get all philosophical, so I'llgo on now. Whatever the reasons,people need to love and feel loved,and while many look for this withother people, others choose instead toown pets. Take for example, the fish .I'm not talking about fish in general ,I'm talking about the fish tha t"Pablo," (a close friend whose name ha sbeen changed to protect his anonymity, )has bought over the past year . Aboutsix months back, Pablo decided his lifewas lacking something; intimate rela-tionships. This left. two options : find agirlfriend, or buy a pet.
Eventually, the fish won out. Thiswas due to a number of factors. First ofall, fish are much easier to come by . I fyou want a fish, all you have to do i stake the bus to the nearest pet store ,say "I want that one," and the owne rof the pet store scoops it up with anet, throws it in a plastic bag, and youtake your new friend home to you raquarium, where you can enjoycountless hours together. Acquiring agirlfriend is not quite so simple .Unless you're much more wealth ythan I (or Pablo,) you can't buy a girl -friend. And even if you do, if she' swith you for your money, she's justwaiting for you to die so she'll get i tall .
Now in the conversation depart-ment, the two-have different pros andcons. In general, fish don't have awhole lot to say, and more often thannot, you end up carrying the wholeconversation yourself . This can begood or bad, depending on how longwinded you are. A definite pro is thata fish will never tear out your vocalchords for saying something stupid .Even if you own a school of piranhas ,and happen to stick your face into thetank after telling them you hate them ,I can assure you that your need fo rplastic surgery has nothing to do withtheir feeling hurt .
Unless you're a real weirdo, thephysical side of the relationship i smuch better with a human than witha fish. It's really quite difficult to get afish to kiss you, much less with thepassion one can expect from a human(urn, or so I've heard.) And anyon eplanning to go to bed with a fish canforget about it . Unless you have one ofthose rare breeds that can breathe air,your "partner" will just flop around inthe sheets for about 2 minutes beforedramatically expiring .
It's too easy to forget that sex isn'tthe only aspect of a relationship how -ever, and the fish certainly do com eup big in some other areas. If you're
looking for a low maintenance com-panion, then the fish is an idea lchoice. Not only are they financiallycheaper ($3 .50 every three months orso on food, compared to who know show much,) they demand far less ofyour time. A fish doesn't mind if yougo away for a week and leave it a thome, so long as you put one of thoselittle white "food for a week" things inthe bottom of the tank.
Finally, 1f your relationship withyour fish becomes stale, you canalways flush 'em. There's plenty morewhere that one came from.
In hindsight, it's a pretty good thingthat Pablo chose to have a caring rela-tionship with a fish over a person .Now you must be easy on Pablo whe nyou judge him; he's a mechanica lengineer, and the last time he too kany schooling in biology was in grade10 when it was still part of -"science . "What I'm saying here is that Pablo 'son his fourth set of fish now. He's hadto live through the loss of eight lovedones; it's probably just as well thathe's not in a position that wouldrequire taking care of a real personwhen they're sick . Someone once said"love is where you find-it," - for som eit's to be found in a kiss, for others, it' sin the aquarium . . .
Disclaimer: I wrote this article with afever of 102, and was assisted by assorte ddrugs . If anything seems strange o rinsane, please take into account that atone point, I was convinced that the mean-ing of life was written in the paint on myceiling, but it was too small to read.
Monday, March 13, 1995
T H E
FOUR . T H I R T Y- T W O
1 1
The Mundane Dempster.Tracy MacKinnonAMS Report
Council meeting of 1 March 1995 : When I received the council agenda, itlooked like the meeting would be short . A deception . People were appoint-
ed to the University, Finance and External Commissions, as well as the appoint-ments of the at-large members of the Code and Policies Advisory Committee .Tamara Bourne is the new Ombudsperson, and Josh Bender is the assistant tothe President . Our own Lynn van Rhijn (SUS Director of Finance) was appoint-ed as Vice Chair of the Finance Commission . Council passed a motion sendingthe Nominating committee in its entirety back to re-interview the applicants forSAC, since the fist interview team couldn't reach consensus. As a result, we ha dto appoint three new members to Nominating committee to ensure that we ha denough people for the interview team. Tim Lo, the former Director ofAdministration, was appointed to the Aquatic Center Management Committe eas a community representative. Joe Cheng, the SAC secretary, was appointed a sa signing officer for the Society. LOTS and LOTS of appointments!
A formal motion was passed to ensure that if the AUS lost money on th eupcoming Arts County Fair the Arts fees for next year would be applied to cove rany debts incurred . The AMS has to do this every year because a couple of year sago the Arts County Fair lost about $40 000, and the Arts representatives o nStudent Council argued that applying next years fees to the debt would be a nunfair burden to future Ms students . Hence, this motion goes through everyyear as a precaution .
And maybe at this point you thought that nothing that occurs at AM SCouncil meetings is relevant to you.. .the Gallery Lounge's place in the new SU Bwas discussed. In the SUB renovations plans, there is no Gallery Lounge . This i sbecause it is said to not make enough money per square foot for a commercia loperation, but many council members argued. that the Gallery Lounge served asa unique place for social gatherings and was important kw students regardless ofwhether it made as large a profit as some of our other commercial businesses. Itdoes, however, provide close to $100 000 in student wages per year and whil emost people I know might not have utilized Speakeasy, or Volunteer Service sand Orientations, most have grabbed a beer at the Gallery Lounge. This matter-was referred to AMS Commercial Services Planning Group and it will be report -
--ed-back-to council within-the month .I just had a revelation . . . this will be my last AMS report . In the future, Anna
Carvalho will be forced to make boring reports that nobody reads (but restassured Anna, that'll read the AMS report so you'll have a least one devote dreader) .
See you all in Chem 160 . I'll be the one looking relaxed on the couch . Nomore six hour AMS meetings for me . I might even start poking fun at the AMSreports in this paper (sorry Anna, but to make fun of them I'll still have to rea dthem) . Signing off. . .
Financial StatementsLynn van RhijnFinance Stufff
Well, here it is, after all this time - the long awaited, much anticipated an dunleaked SUS Financial Statment . The rumors that this particular govern-
ment was unable to balance the 94-95 budget are totally true, however, it ma ybe of some comfort that a deficit was avoided (not that I couldn't do it if I want-ed) . If it seems that a few of the figures are, how do I say it, mildly squewed, d onot be concerned, they are supposed to be like that. I really do have an answerto explain all of this. Honest.
All in all, the spending of SUS is on track, but for a few minor exceptions. Istill have money coming . in and rest assured, I will be spending more money .All that remains is the presentation of next year's budget . That will be the totaland sole responsibilty of the new D of F, Deanna Braaksma (congrats, by th eway!), who will be taking over the position March 16th . At that time, I will b emaking my escape, break for it, transition over to the AMS as their new Vice -Chair, Finance Commission . It was my desire to move into a postion where Ican roll in actual bills instead of the painfull coins that fill my Scrooge McDuc kswimming pool right now. Ouch.
So it is time for me to say farwell, it's been a blast, and don't worry Blair, I'l lbe available for your constant verbal abuse at SUB 258 . See you there!! !
revenue.
prior fisca lfeesmisc revenu ephotocopier revenu epop revenuetotal revenue
expenses
telephoneoffice suppliespostagemisc expense sphotocopyin gtravelpromo/adphotocopier expenseopen house expensecomputingpublic' relationselections expenseclub grantsspecial projectspop machine exp.academi cacad. entertain .social - netscienceweek - netfirst year committeesus sport ssus publicationsthe guide
expenses total
net surplus
6,631 .64 4,500.0044,213.00 45,000.00100.00 100.00861 .85 2,300.001,070.30 2,200.0052,876.79 54,100.00
532 .71 720.00467.64 800.000.00 0.002,479.33 600.00,0.00 600.00(742.00) 200.000.00 100.002,503.05 3,000.000.00 450.00770.14 500.0085.50 200.00698.51 800.004,122.89 6,400.001,508.92 1,000.001,287.77 2,300.0060.00 750.00522.61 400.004,368.93 3,500.003,325.24 3,800.00756.31 . 1,200.006,000.00 10,000.0014,000.00 8,000.000:00 4,500.00
: 500.00 500.0043,247.55 50,320.00
martin fruaendorfbursary
12
T H E
F O U R
T H I R T Y- T W O
Monday, March 13, 199 5
The Art ofBrewing Stories.
e only thing better than killing
Needless to say, this prototypica ltwo birds with one stone is killing barley soup didn't quite catch on unti l
a whole flock of 'em in one go. I mean several years later, when other plantsand bits of cow were addedto spice it up a bit. So thebarley soup gets set asid ewhile Mr. Beta gets on withhis next great idea of devis-ing videotapes that aresmaller and give sharper plc-
Roger
tuns than VHS .Watts
Meanwhile, the slimy
stuff that made the bread rise finds it sway into the barley soup . It sit saround for a couple of weeks, eatingall of the natural sugars in the grai nand producing a byproduct tha twould later be known as ethanol (or
_"liquid courage", depending on thecircles in which one travels). And soone day, Mr . Beta's entertaining somefriends and says, "Oh, this? This is mynew soup . Here, try a bit . . .," and therest is history.
Granted, the beermaking processhas, through various refinements ,become slightly more complex, bu tthe principle remains the same.
The big thing to keep in mind is tokeep everything really clean .Benefiting from the knowledge' ofbasic microbiology, we can now takeprecautions to ensure that the yeast isthe only thing growing in flourishingin your beer. Fear not for your life ,though; there are no knownpathogens that can survive in beer ,but they can actually make your beertaste worse than Labatt's Blue. (On noaccount make beer in your bathtub, asI've heard has been done . Gawd.)
Not only is beermaking easy, it' scheap. To illustrate this, consider th eamount of money required to buy thenecessary equipment and enoughingredients for your first two batchesof beer (good for about 12 cases) . Ifyou-made this beer and never used theequipment again, you would still onlyhave spent the same amount tha twould have been required to buy 1 2cases of commercially-produced beer;that is, it pays for itself after only twobatches. After that, it gets really cheap
about $30 for a six-case batch .
And once you get good at it, youcan make all sorts of exotic concoc-tions - remember, anything with suga rin it can be turned into alcohol . Thi sincludes fruits, honey and other good-ies that can make for some truly origi -nal and thoroughly yummy beer .
So why not give it a whirl? It's aneat thing to get into, and, well . . . therewards speak for themselves.
PS - If you happen to live in TotemPark, Ryan McCuaig and I will be givinga presentation on homebrewing later thismonth. Please contact friendly Totemadvisor Craig Walker for details .
this figuratively, of course; iam in fact a big fan of actualbirds, and wouldn't wantenraged members of theAudubon Society showingup on my doorstep demand-ing my non-feathered headon a flaming brochette.
For example, one mightsay to oneself:
1)The weather has been chilly late-ly. Jesus Murphy, is it cold in here.
2) It's the end of the school year. Ihave little money.
3) I sure wish I could get rid of all ofthis massive pile of Labatt's Blue boxesin the basement, to say nothing of allthese matches... .
And thus is born the Cozy WarmFire, solving everything. (Of course ,there are always alternative solutions ,such as the Cozy Warm Job On A BoatTo Tahiti or the Cozy Warm BankRobbery, but the former seemed th eleast likely to involve either a changeof address or intervention from theauthorities . Mind you, that doe sdepend greatly on the size of the fireone builds.)
Sadly, there aren't many ideas inthis. world that can_ solve several prob -lems at once. They used to think thatthe Ford Pinto was one suchepiphany, but it too went the way of8-track tapes; supply-side economicsand the entire concept of the Bee Geesaltogether. However, one has enduredthat answers these difficult problems :
1) The weather . is getting warmer .Soon I will require a cold, refreshingbeverage .
2) It's the end of the school year . Ihave little money.
3) Labatt's Blue tastes like week-oldbilge water . Yecch.
Enter the-magic of homebrewing .
Believe it or not, making your ownbeer is really easy to do. The hard partis trying to figure out exactly howsomeone cooked up the idea in thefirst place . Think about this for a
minute . . . about 3000 years ago, localclever guy Mr. Alpha says, "Hey, thi sgrain stuff is hard to eat, and kindaboring in the morning without milkor Yoplait on top . . . however, if I grind .it up before I add the milk, throw inthis slimy stuff that makes it puff up ,and then bake the whole thing, i tmakes great clubhouse sandwiches . . . "
So this guy becomes really famous a sthe inventor of bread, changes hi sname to Mr. Wonder and land snumerous Greek-tragedy script dealsas a result. Down the street, his neigh-bor, Mr. Beta says, "Oh yeah? Well, Ican take that same grain and boil i tand make soup! Pretty neat, huh?"
President•Tracy MacKinnonY 203 N 17 spoils 72
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