Unreal Greetings Catalog 2015

Unreal Greetings S u r p r i s i n g l y F u n n y

®

®

f r e s h f u n n y o r i g i n a l

SIZEAll cards are 5”x7”, and come with a colorful envelope.

ORDERSThe minimum opening order is $100; minimum re-order is $75. Please order in sets of 6 or 12.

SHIPPINGGoods are shipped either UPS or USPS at cost, unless otherwise specified by buyer. No additional handling charges are applied. Expect to receive your shipment within 2 weeks of placing your order.

TERMSAll initial orders require a credit card payment at time of purchase. Net 30 terms are available for reorders on approved credit. We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, American Express or checks payable to Unreal Greetings LLC.

PRINTINGAll cards are printed in Minnesota, with a Minnesota Great Printer / Green Printer.

RACK PROGRAMFree racks are available when you purchase half-dozens each of the number of styles the rack holds. As a courtesy, we facilitate ordering of the spinners through Marvolus Manufacturing, and it ships to your store directly. You are charged by Unreal Greetings LLC separately and up-front for shipping of the rack.

All designs © Unreal Greetings LLC 2015

Rev. 1

WWW.UNREALGREETINGS.COM

Order Information

P.O. Box 93, Af ton, MN 55001 • [email protected] • 619-855-7072

TO ORDER:

1-11

12-13

14-16

17-18

Table of Contents

Fashion Tips™ [fashionably funny™]

Happy Buddha [good vibes & shit™]

Bent Blessings® [it’s no sin to be sassy® ]

Signs of Sarcasm™ [astrology for real people™]

Email:Fax:

Etsy Wholesale:

[email protected](888) 519-5171etsy.me/wholesaleunrealgreetings

1038 | KEGELS Inside: Happy birthday to a

talented multitasker.

1039 | LESS IS MORE Inside: Wishing you a fabulously

over-the-top birthday.

1018 | MARKETING GENIUS Inside: Happy birthday, genius.

1002 | GARDEN PARTY Inside: It’s your birthday - party any

which way you want.

1035 | HOARDING Inside: Happy birthday to the girl

who has it all. Can’t always find it, but has it somewhere.

1036 | TIARA Inside: Go ahead - add a little glamour to the cereal aisle.

Happy Birthday

1

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comBirthdayFashion TipsUnreal Greetings

™

1041 | WEIRDO Inside: Happy birthday to my

favorite weirdo.

1040 | LABOR DAY Inside: Happy birthday to our

nontraditional gal.

1042 | BELLE OF THE BALL Inside: It’s your birthday,

sweetheart - you do whatever you need to do to feel fabulous.

1005 | PEARLS Inside: Hope your birthday

hits the spot.

1037 | YOUTHFUL GLOW Inside: Cheers! Happy Birthday

1014 | MANAGEMENT MATERIAL Inside: Happy birthday, go-getter.

2

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1029 | ELEMENT OF SURPRISE Inside: Have a lush-ious birthday.

1025 | PROM DRESS Inside: Here’s to letting go.

Happy Birthday

1048 | CONFIDENCE Inside: Happy birthday to a girl

with confidence and great cleavage.

1046 | BITCHES GET SHIT DONE Inside: Happy birthday to one

productive woman.

1043 | FAT PANTS Inside: Here’s to making

good choices. Happy Birthday

1003 | BEDAZZLE Inside: Bling is never out of style.

Happy Birthday

3

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1007 | BREATHE Inside: In other words - suck it up, sweetheart. You can breathe when the party is over. Happy Birthday

1047 | BOMBSHELL Inside: And you’re totally in it.

Happy Birthday

1006 | LAYERS Inside: Here’s to all your

fabulous layers.

1010 | THONG Inside: Wishing you a relaxing

birthday.

1045 | FABULOUS ALL THE TIME Inside: It’s your birthday, dear - I

give you permission to take it down a notch.

1044 | DEVILISH SMILE Inside: Honey, we all know you’re

not wearing underpants. Happy Birthday

4

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1016 | JEWELS Inside: Happy birthday to a

fabulous, real jewel.

1013 | RABBIT Inside: Hope your birthday

is magical.

1015 | POLKA DOTS Inside: Happy birthday to the classiest badass of them all.

1008 | BATSHIT CRAZY Inside: It’s your birthday - go crazy.

1004 | CUT A BITCH Inside: Happy birthday to one broad who ain’t afraid to keep

it real.

1049 | WARM MUFF Inside: Just remember to share

your muff responsibly. Happy Birthday

5

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1054 | HOT FLASHES Inside: Wishing you a cool birthday.

1053 | FAUX FUR Inside: Better faux than no, right?

Happy Birthday

1001 | EDIBLE UNDERWEAR Inside: Hope your birthday is

delicious.

1050 | SOCKS Inside: Hope your birthday is

stuffed full of surprises.

1017 | GLAMOUR AT ANY AGE Inside: Happy birthday,

glamourpuss.

1052 | FAIRYTALE PRINCESS Inside: Come on, princess - live the

fairytale. It’s your birthday!

6

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1056 | CONTROL FREAK Inside: Hope your birthday is perfect, down to the very last

freakin’ detail.

1051 | GODDESS WITHIN Inside: Your birthday, your

prerogative.

1058 | SWEET ASS Inside: What can you say? Baby

got back. Happy Birthday

1055 | HICKEY Inside: Hope your birthday

doesn’t suck.

1057 | DRESS FOR THE JOB Inside: Fake it ‘til you make it,

honey. Happy Birthday

1012 | AUNT VIVIAN Inside: Keep them guessing on

your birthday.

7

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1074 | NERDY GIRLS Inside: Happy birthday, you

sexy nerd.

1011 | SIDEBOOB Inside: Happy birthday to one

classy lady.

1075 | BODY SHAPER Inside: Here’s to having the

right attitude. Happy Birthday

1059 | CASUAL PIRATE FRIDAY Inside: Happy birthday...matey.

1072 | JAZZ HANDS Inside: ...and a 5,6,7,8...

Happy Birthday!

1073 | BEAUTY FROM WITHIN Inside: Happy birthday to a woman

with inner and outer beauty.

8

1060 | LAP DOG Inside: Theoretically speaking,

of course. Happy Birthday

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171


™

1069 | ALL ABOUT THE DRESS Inside: Congratuations on the dress!

...and the marriage.

1068 | BRIDESMAID DRESSES Inside: Congratulations! You’re totally going to

be the prettiest.

1066 | PRICELESS Inside: I may not always take your advice, but thanks for offering it.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

1071 | QUESTIONABLE TASTE Inside: Thanks for being tasteless

with me all these years. Hapy Birthday

1070 | GOOD MANNERS Inside: So thank you, dammit.

9

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .com

Birthday - Sister Thank YouBirthday - Mom

Bridal Shower

Fashion TipsUnreal Greetings

™

1061 | FASHIONISTAS Inside: Thanks for being my

investment partner.

1030 | CAR KEYS Inside: Your secret is safe with me.

1064 | BUSINESS CASUAL Inside: Thanks for being a little

better than everyone else with me.

1062 | KEEPIN’ IT REAL Inside: Thanks, homegirl.

1065 | PERFECT EXCUSE Inside: Either way you’re a winner.

1063 | SWIMSUIT SHOPPING Inside: We shall overcome,

my friend.

10

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comJust For FunFashion TipsUnreal Greetings

™

1019 | BOOK CLUB 1023 | HAIRSTYLIST

1033 | FUCK IT 1020 | LACE 1067 | SENSE OF SELF

11

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comBlankFashion TipsUnreal Greetings

™

12

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comBirthdayHappy BuddhaUnreal Greetings

All Happy Buddha cards feature sexy lying down buddha on the inside.

3001 | ZEN IN A GOOD WAY Inside: Happy ohhmmm-y birthday.

(Inside)

3002 | AURA Inside: Wishing you a very

sexy birthday.

(Inside)

Happy BuddhaUnreal Greetings P / 619 855 7072

F / 888 519 5171 orders@unrealgreet ings .com

3007 | KARMA Inside: Thanks. Yeah karma!

3005 | THE ART OF ZEN Inside: May you find all you are searching for.

3004 | ZEXY Inside: Happy birthday, you

zexy beast.

3003 | BLISS Inside: Have a blissfully

happy birthday.

3006 | PEACE Inside: It’s your day - relax

and enjoy.

13

All Happy Buddha cards feature sexy lying down buddha on the inside.

Thank You Just For Fun

Birthday

2017 | LENNY Inside: And this is my leopard.

Say hello to Lenny. Happy Birthday & Amen

2005 | BLOOD Inside: And plenty of blood.

Otherwise it’s kind of a moot point.

Happy Birthday & Amen

14

2012 | REBORN Inside: Not as a cat or

anything freaky like that. Just a better you.


2014 | SMOKE Inside: Nah, just blowing

smoke up your skirt. We all know it’s too late

for that. Happy Birthday & Amen

2006 | LIFT YOU UP Inside: Really high. So you can see all the way to my house.


2007 | ANGELS Inside: Because Lord knows

you’d screw it up on your own.


Bent BlessingsUnreal Greetings

BirthdayP / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .com®

2018 | THIS MUCH Inside: This much.


2002 | CRAZY SHIT Inside: You? I’m not so sure. You’ve done some crazy shit.


15

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .com

2003 | GRACE Inside: Sourdough, if you

have it. Happy Birthday & Amen

2004 | DRAMA QUEEN Inside: Because you’re kind

of a drama queen. Happy Birthday & Amen

2010 | LASERS Inside: But most of it

involves lasers. Happy Birthday & Amen

2011 | PONY Inside: And a pony for me. Happy Birthday & Amen


Birthday®

2009 | AWESOME Inside: Coincidentally, your dog is an awesome dog.


2016 | BIRTHDAY WISH Inside: Has been denied. Love you

anyway, you perv. Happy Birthday & Amen

16

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comBirthday

2008 | FUZZY SCARF Inside: Except may a fuzzy

scarf. That would be nice, too.


2015 | LIGHT OF TRUTH Inside: May the light of truth not shine in your eyes while

you’re driving. Happy Birthday & Amen

2013 | SHINE UPON YOU Inside: Becasue if he shines under you, it means you’re

sitting on him. Happy Birthday & Amen

2001 | YOU ARE LOVED Inside: You cute little shit. Happy Birthday & Amen


®

2504 | TAURUS Inside: Be flexible? Change your

mind? Move faster? Nope. But your stubborn ass will always

be there.

2505 | GEMINI Inside: Perhaps this year, though, you could work on your focus because

sometimes your randomness makes my brain feel like it’s going to ooze

out of my ears.

2506 | CANCER Inside: One suggestion, though?

Maybe you could hold back a few feelings. I mean, there’s only so much

gushy stuff a person can take.

2501 | AQUARIUS Inside: It’s always so fun to see what new ideas you come up with. Hey - you know what else might be fun? Following the effin’ rules for once.

Seriously.

2502 | PISCES Inside: I love how you often take time to listen to your inner voice.

Or at least I hope that’s what you’re doing when you’re staring

at the wall with your mouth open.

2503 | ARIES Inside: This is my polite way of saying that you’re a bossypants.

But it comes in handy sometimes.

17

Signs of SarcasmUnreal Greetings

BirthdayP / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .com™

2510 | SCORPIO Inside: Sometimes I want to know more of what’s going on in your mind. Then I remember some of the crazy, evil shit that you’ve let slip, and I think, “Nah, I’m good.”

2511 | SAGITTARIUS Inside: Your enthusiasm is like a fireworks display. Or maybe a puppy. It’s actually kind of

exhausting - perhaps you could tone it down a bit.

2512 | CAPRICORN Inside: It’s your special day, so just

kick back and relax! Organize some notes, make some plans,

crunch some numbers. You know - your super weird version of

relaxing.

2507 | LEO Inside: This is the day to say to

yourself, “I’m a superstar - bask in my glow!” But it seems you say

that to yourself most days, which I’ve been meaning to tell you is kind

of ridiculous.

2508 | VIRGO Inside: It’s also hilarious. Today I thought about how pissed your anal-retentive ass would be if I

moved your stapler, and I almost peed myself laughing.

2509 | LIBRA Inside: I can also rely on you to

take your sweet ass time to make up your damn mind.

1818

P / 619 855 7072 F / 888 519 5171

orders@unrealgreet ings .comBirthdaySigns of SarcasmUnreal Greetings

™

19

UNREAL GREETINGS

Unreal Greetings LLC is a single-artist greeting card company that creates

fresh, funny, and original designs – relatable messages in an uncommon

voice. We are proud to print locally, with a Minnesota Green Printer / Great

Printer.

GRANT JENSEN

Unreal Greetings was started in 2012 by Grant Jensen, a guy who has been

told numerous times that he has great taste, even though he usually chooses

not to use it. After having trouble finding cards that fit his sense of humor,

he’d often end up getting a schmaltzy card, crossing out the schmaltzy

sentiment inside, and writing in something more “appropriate” – something

that was unexpectedly funny and heartfelt and sarcastic. Just like him. He did

this for years until his sister, after receiving an especially clever card, said,

“You need to get off your ass and make these for real. Dork.” And Unreal

Greetings was born.

Grant designs from his home in semi-rural Minnesota, where he lives with his

partner and two boys, two horses, two dogs, a cat, a lizard, and a guinea pig.

Note that he is not an animal person, and isn’t quite sure how he ended up in

this crazy family.

UNREALGREETINGS.COM

Documents

Unreal Greetings Catalog 2015