Velcro Gets Hep

7/21/2019 Velcro Gets Hep

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Velcro Gets Hep


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VELCRO GETS HEP

NARRATORWelcome youngsters and old farts alike, to anotherexciting Velcro Adventure! Today our hero boogies rightinto a caper set in the jumping jazzy club scene. Will

this adventure blow your horn? Stayed tuned to VELCROGETS HEP and find out.

First friends, let me tell you that this episode ofVelcros Adventures was NOT brought to you by CocaCola! Coca Cola , the sugary, sludgy, syrup juice. Cocacola relies on the instability in Sudan for cheapsourcing of gum Arabic, coke decimates the watersupplies of poor communities in India, Mexico andaround the world. Coke has murdered union activistsin Guatemala and otherwise subjected workers throughouttheir supply chain to dehumanizing degrading treatment.So friends when you feel the need for refreshment, popopen the tap and pour yourself a glass of tap water, apublic resource thats healthy, regulated and notgoverned by cruel corporate greedy tyrants!

MUSIC: HAPPY BUBBLY INTRO

NARRATORAnd now friends... Velcro in... Velcro Gets Hep! Ourstory opens in Velcros favorite after school digs,Fifis Malt Shoppe.

SOUND: CHIMING DOOR OPENS

VELCROGood afternoon Fifi... I would like to order--

FIFI--let me guess Velcro... A malted beverage!?

VELCROYou guessed it! The usual for me, malted milk with aside of malted french fries.

FIFIAnd one greasy grey hair from a top of my head.

VELCROWhile Ive come to expect it, I wouldnt recommendadvertising it.

CON RAPERAdvertising did someone say advertising?

SOUND: CHIMING DOOR OPENS


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VELCROYikes, its a sharp dressed man.

SOUND: ZZTOP RIFF

FIFI

Hey we dont wan any trouble, this is a simple maltbeverage establishment. I am not running a frontoperation for money laundering and dog fighting in zeback of my kitchen.

CON RAPERRelax, Im no Federal suit, Im Con Raper - ad man.Heres my card.

SOUND: SWOOSHING SOUND

FIFILets see. Happy Arbor Day?

CON RAPERRead the inside.

FIFII see, it reads "Go plant a tree dummy, we got lotsmore cards to print."

VELCROSay thats pretty good writing.

CON RAPERYeah. I am whiz with words, an advertising genius. Butright now Im ccelebrating. Line me up a scotch.

FIFISoccer blue! But zis is a youth diner! We serve onlymalted teenaged beverages!

CON RAPERBut scotch is malted. And aged for teens of years.

FIFIOh. You are a very persuasive man. In zat case.

SOUND: POURING SOUND

VELCROMr Raper, what is it your celebrating?

SOUND: SHOT BEING CHUGGED AND SLAMMED DOWN


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CON RAPERWell. I just landed a huge account. Its thenew pharmaceutical from IB Furbin. This drugeffectively combats BCS, Bullied Cretin Syndrome bymaking teenagers who drink it hep and cool.

VELCROBullied Cretin Syndrome? Ive been called a cretin, andI sure get clobbered time to time, but Im happy withwho I am.

CON RAPERHmmph. Well how about the rest of us kid?

FIFIIt might be nice if you had a bit more zwan de biebVelcro.

CON RAPERI got a bottle right here. Why not give it a shot kid?

SOUND: BOTTLE SET ON TABLE

VELCROWell I cant say no to a man in a suit so...

SOUND: VELCRO CHUGS

VELCROSup brahs. Wanna go gnarl a half pipe on some boards?

CON RAPERSee you sound hipper all ready.

VELCROWoah. That felt weird...tastes pretty good though.

CON RAPERThe purple flavor helps it go down easy. Its calledDablizz. Have another swig, a few more ounces will takeall your symptoms of BCS away.

VELCROHmm. No thanks. I should consult my pediatrician beforeI decide if Dablizz is right for me.

CON RAPERWow. You really are a cretin...Say, you may be just thecretin we need.

VELCROHuh? Whaldya mean?


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VELCRO (contd)nature denied you. If you suffer from Bullied CretinSyndrome and think Dablizz is right for you, talk toyou pediatrician. Side effects will probably includesuicidal thoughts, anal drippings, goopy elbows, fecalbreath--

CON RAPER--Okay okay! Well add that last bit later. Sounds goodthough Velcro, youre a natural. Hey perfect timing, itlooks like the bands wrapping up.

JERMAINEGreat guys thats a take, come on out.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND BAND COMING THROUGH

BALOOBIEHey there Velcro, how do a you do?

VELCROGreat! Im a teenage testimonial actor now! This is mynew pal Con Raper. Con this is Baloobie Amstrong.

CON RAPERNice to meet you

BALOOBIENice suit fella.

VELCROSay, what are you recording for?

BALOOBIEWere trying to cut a hot new track to bring in acrowd. Attendance has been falling off at my Jazz club,the Jam Hole. We may not be able to make rent!

VELCROOh no! But youre club is always hopping!

BALOOBIENot anymore it isnt. Ever since the smoking of reeferhas been legalized for medicinal use, the kids dontcome to my club to hide in the dark corners of societyanymore.

CON RAPERThats terrible! If you ask me cannabis is a gatewaydrug, and makes our youth lazy and dumb!


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BALOOBIEI wouldnt go that far, but it definitely should beused in a safe environment like a back alley jazz club,where complicated rhythms and structure dancing arounda bebop beat stimulate intellectual activity. A placewhere community elders can share our knowledge with the

youth, like how to throw dice and avoid the clap.

CON RAPERI share your concern with the well being of the youth.

VELCROYeah, we are working on a campaign to make more kidshep! Why dont you sit in and listen to me cut thiscommercial Baloobie?

BALOOBIEThat sounds way out man. Ill smoke a stick and open myears to your hep sounds!

NARRATORAnd so they cut the commercial and I assure youlisteners it was real hep.

JERMAINEAnd thats a wrap Velcro. That was real hep.

CON RAPERI concur! Im going to run this tape straight toDablizz corporate. I think theyre going to love it.

BALOOBIESay Velcro, why dont you boogie with me down to theJam Hole to celebrate?

VELCROOkay Baloobie, long as Im home before dinner so my Momdoesnt clobber me!

SOUND: PEPPY JAZZ MUSIC

NARRATORAnd so the group departs. Con Raper off to a corporateboard room with the commercial that will cinch thecampaign for Dablizz, and Baloobie and Velcro off tothe Jam Hole. Is there any hope for this faltering hephouse? Lets listen in and find out.

SOUND: SOMBER JAZZ MUSIC


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BALOOBIEWelp here we are Velcro.

VELCROBoy you werent kidding, this place is in sorry shape.That dark corner where the kids are usually piled in a

smoky haze is completely empty!

BALOOBIEYup. And there sits my candy and cigarettes gal, whoseyet to be groped and harrassed once today.

CANDY GIRLBaloobie this place is grim! I live off tips and thelack of any compensation today has been gratuities.

VELCROGratuitous?

CANDY GIRLAh pound sand with yer ten-dollar words, Im hittin theskids!

SOUND: BANGING OF THE CANDY GIRLS BOX BEING THROWN TO THEGROUND

BALOOBIEWell that was my last and best candy girl that justquit. Maybe its time to shut up shop.

VELCROOh no! I cant imagine this fair city without youredark and depressing jazz club in the back of thedangerous and hidden alleyway. Whatll you do withoutyour Jam Hole Baloobie?

BALLOBIEI dunno velcro, I dunno. Maybe Ill retire...at thebottom of a tall bridge.

NARRATORAnd just then. Ad man Con Raper returned,w ith a rushthrough the doors!

SOUND: A BANGING OF THE DOORS, CON RUSHING IN/PANTING

CON RAPERBaloobie, Velcro! I thought Id find you here. I haveurgent news!

BALOOBIEYoure panting and out of breath man!


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VELCROYeah, what did you run all the way here?!

CON RAPERNo I took a cab. But I ran into a crying girl thatsmelled of chocolate and cigarettes in the alley. I

shtupped her vigorously for consolation.

VELCROWell whats the urgent news?

CON RAPERThe campaign is off Velcro. New research shows that thekids dont want Dablizz, turns out medical marijuana ismaking all the kids hep already. Every prescription forreefer out there is one lost potential customer. IGFurbin pulled the account and called the campaign off.

BALOOBIEDamn that madical marijuana, damn it to hell! Reefer-once the gas that gave the go to my hep jazz movementhas been co-opted by the medical community.

CON RAPERIt seems were on the wrong end of capitalistconsumption patterns this time.

VELCROAh chee! How depressing!

CON RAPERWait a second! This gives me an idea! Huddle in closefor this one fellas

SOUND: PSS PSS PSS WHISPERING SOUNDS

NARRATORThough they were alone in a room together, and alsothough their were no formidable foe to derail anypotential plan, the three saw fit to huddle in closeand whisper to one another, just as a narrative deviceto heighten the suspense. And these words of narrationnow serve to segue our story to the next location ofinterest - Fifis Malt Shoppe. Lets join our friendswho have just explained their plan to Fifi!

SOUND: BOUNCY FRENCH MUSIC

FIFISnocker zoo! So you want me to recreate ze chemicalcompound of Dablizz?!


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CON RAPERYes, with these last few sips from the bottle I have,and your sophisticated French palate it should be asinch!

VELCRO

Yeah! And you have all the equipment to manufactureDablizz, what with your side business ofmethamphetamine manufacture.

FIFIWee wee wee wee wee. It iz a zimple matter of course!But what I dont understand iz that the IG Furbincompany research shows that the market has no interestin Dablizz, so why make it at all?

CON RAPERWell you see Fifi, what those bean counters haveneglected to quatify is the z factor, thatimmeasurable, swinging barometer of cool. It is aprinciple in marketing that everything moves from themargins to the center. You see thats whatcannabis...reefer has now done. I realized that withthe mainstream embrace of the weed, the truely hep kidswill be looking for something new to be hep. And thatwill be the budding flower of Dablizz

FIFISure sure. Zat iz tray logical. But what is in it foryou Mr ad man?

CON RAPERWell Fifi, it would be fallacy to think an ad man likemyself is motivated by money. While it is true I lostmy account for Dablizz and thus any potential profits,what I would gain is the most important thing ofall...being the coolest and the most righteous. ConRaper cant stand for rejection, my revenge against IGFurbin will be the success of Dablizz.

BALOOBIEYeah and my club will be the exclusive place for allthe hep kids to get Dablitzed!

VELCROSay this has been a fun and wholesome adventure pal, Isure hope everything works out perfectly!

SOUND: SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC


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NARRATORAnd so the friends plan was in motion: with Con Raperlosing his account to advertise the now cancelledDablizz product line, and Balloobie Amstrongs club theJam Hole on the brink of collapse, Fifi the malt shoppeproprietor agrees to synthesize Dablize to be offeredillegally to the patrons of the Jam Hole based on Con

Rapers hunch that kids will soon tire of cannabis andjones for a new fix thus saving the club and savingface for Con Raper. Wait, what stake does Velcro evenhave in this story? ----This doesnt make anygoddamned sense! This is fucking ridiculous! ThankChrist todays adventure is almost done with. Lets checkin with our pals a few weeks later at the Jam Hole andsee if their FUCKING LUDICROUS PLAN worked out.

SOUND: HOPPING WILD JAZZ MUSIC

VELCROLook around Baloobie! This place is packed, our planreally worked out!

CON RAPERDont you mean my plan Velcro? Never slight an ad mansego.

BALOOBIEWe do owe it all to your big brain Con. The Jam Hole isback in business. The kids sure love getting hyped andhep on Dablizz. You even managed to get my Candy Girlback on the job, howd you manage that one?

CON RAPERWell lets just say I made her an offer she couldntrefuse.

VELCROAh, ya shtupped her!

CON RAPERYes. Yes I did.

VELCROWell Im sure glad things worked out for everyone.reckon I gotta get home now for dinner.

BALOOBIEAh wait just a few minutes longer Velcro. I got a newnumber I practiced especially for you.

VELCROChee, Im sorry Baloobie, but if I dont get home myMom will clobber me!


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CON RAPERThats okay Velcro, Ill drive you home afterwards andI can pacify your mothers anger.

VELCROWhat...youll shtupp her? But whatll my Dad say?

CON RAPERThank you I imagine, have you seen your mother?

VELCROWell, hmm. okay! Lets hear that number Baloobie!

SOUND: THE MUSIC TO HELLO DOLLY STARTS UP. BALOOBIE SINGSTHE FULL SONG BUT TO REPLACES DOLLY WITH VELCRO

NARRATORWell kids! This has been an exciting Audible VelcroAdventure. Tune in next month for another hep story,and remember - fuck Coca-Cola...dont drink that shit!

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Velcro Gets Hep