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THIS I BELIEVE

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Previous books published by John Wiley & Sons in the This I Believe series, edited by Dan Gediman, John Gregory, and Mary Jo Gediman:

This I Believe: On Love

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THIS I BELIEVEOn Fatherhood

EDITED BY DAN GEDIMAN

WITH JOHN GREGORY

AND MARY JO GEDIMAN

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Copyright © 2011 by This I Believe, Inc. All rights reserved.

This I Believe® is a registered trademark of This I Believe, Inc.

Published by Jossey-BassA Wiley Imprint989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com

Design by Forty-fi ve Degree Design, LLC.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or other-wise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Depart-ment, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accu-racy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifi cally disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fi tness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profi t or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

On fatherhood / edited by Dan Gediman ; with John Gregory and Mary Jo Gediman. p. cm. — (This I believe) ISBN 978-0-470-87647-3 (cloth); ISBN 978-1-118-02554-3 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-02556-7 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-02557-4 (ebk) 1. Fatherhood. 2. Fathers. I. Gediman, Dan. II. Gregory, John, date. III. Gediman, Mary Jo. HQ756.O53 2011 306.874�2—dc22

2011002093

Printed in the United States of Americafi rst editionHB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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To Margot Trevor Wheelock,

who was responsible for

This I Believe

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vii

contents

Introduction 1

Truth and the Santa Claus Moment 5corey harbaugh

The Last Harvest 8randi perkins

The Dads We Were Given 11kathy wells mcmenamin

Forgiving My Dad 14bryan mcguire

Appreciating the Moment 17jay hasheider

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Whistling in the Light 20t. a. barron

Lingering at the Doors 23john warley

A Love Beyond Boundaries 26brian schoeni

Hunting Pennies 29james pfrehm

A Mark in History 32rosita choy

Trimming 36amy rowland

A Father Is Born from Many Strangers 39michele weldon

The Cards Will Hear You 43eric larson

Finding a Different Way 46bob may

Life Is Wonderfully Ridiculous 49claude knobler

Never Give Up 52m. c . hackett

The Choice to Do It Over Again 55daniel flanagan

The Wonders of the Future 58scott shackelford

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The Best Legacy I Can Leave 61doug andrews

To Be the Best Humans We Can Be 64tim wilson

Work Is a Blessing 67lieutenant general russel honoré

Hands at Rest 70john r. corrigan

The Myths of Manhood 74andrew riutta

Love with No Limits 77scott zucker

An Ordinary Adventure 80david lintvedt

My Earthly Father 83margo frazier

The Give-and-Take of Grief 86michael newland

The Lawn Is Life 89greg vessar

The Bricks in the Wall AroundMy Heart 92

judd pillot

The First Breath 95kaz sussman

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Finding My Father in a Small World 98kate debiec

I Am Capable of More Than I Think I Am 101

gregg rogers

Teacher 104nick capo

Five Dollars of Forgiveness 107daniel plasman

Nothing New Under the Sun 110lawrence newton

Respect Yourself 113david westwood

Gardens and Their Power to Heal 116alison van diggelen

Embarrassing My Kids 119roger mummert

A Father’s Lectures 122seth chalmer

Where the Soul of Man Never Dies 125

tim barnes

Forgive the Rest 129julie feeney

His Difference Is His Strength 132james buchanan

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The Power of Fishing 135johnnie barmore

The Greatest Thing 138scott koonce

Big Thinking 141elizabeth shen

Transforming Fatherhood 144adam kallish

Keep the Tempo Steady 147claudette sikora

A Lesson from My Dad 150gregory michael arndt

Living and Loving Life 153keith wagner

The Best Education in the World 156jeff sloan

What It Takes 159shelby crowley

With Brown Shoes to Match 162brian m. wise

Forever in Love 165greg wees

My Father, Christ 168whitney alt

Making Choices That Make Me Smile 171christopher swiecki

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The Measure of a Man 174susan cramer

Little Acts of Goodness 177howard miller

Leaving Work to Gaze at Sunsets 180laurie granieri

A Stack of Rocks 183ron woolley

When Angels Miss 186d. john dyben

Appendix: How to Write Your Own This I Believe Essay 189

Acknowledgments 191

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THIS I BELIEVE

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1

Introduction

Since launching This I Believe on public radio in 2005, we have received some 90,000 essays from men, women, and young people from all walks of life. Every day, our team reads through these essays, and we have noticed that certain themes recur time and again: love and friendship, faith and spirituality, patriotism and democracy.

The parent-child relationship looms especially large in this collection as the one relationship we all experience: we are all someone’s child, and many of us are parents (either literally or symbolically) to a young person. It is a rela-tionship that many of the world’s sacred texts enjoin us to

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honor. It is a relationship fi lled with joy and heartbreak, love and anger, lessons learned, and opportunities missed.

Given how prominently paternal fi gures play in our culture, we decided to continue our book series with this collection on fatherhood, which we hope to follow soon with an edition on motherhood. We are excited to offer you these intimate, heartfelt views into one of our most fundamental relationships. Although relatively brief, these essays brim with memorable characters—fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters—trying to navigate life’s challenges, large and small.

Under the best circumstances, fathers are a positive role model: think Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird or Dr. Cliff Huxtable from television’s The Cosby Show—the honorable, dependable, loving stalwarts who teach life les-sons by example and with a touch of humor. Yet at other times, the father may be more like King Lear or Willy Loman, fi gures so dark and troubled that their parenting skills may have no redeeming qualities. In reality, though, most of our fathers don’t fi t the archetypes of literature or popular culture. They are simply human—men trying above all else to live up to the enormous expectations that their families, modern society, and their own aspirations place on them.

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Regardless of the nature of the fi lial bond, the father-child relationship offers innumerable opportunities for both parties to learn, and grow, and form belief.

In this book, you’ll read refl ections from expectant dads, full of optimism and prebirth jitters, as well as from long-time parents who, through the distance of time, are able to refl ect on their successes and failures as fathers. We also hear from and about adoptive fathers, single dads, step-fathers, and men who volunteer to fi ll the shoes of absent fathers.

You’ll also read essays from children (some young and some well into adulthood) writing about their fathers. They honestly and openly introduce us to the men who shaped them, sometimes in surprising ways. They talk about the fathers they want to emulate, the mistakes they hope to avoid repeating, and the wisdom they realized they gained.

“So, you’re creating a guidebook for being a good father,” one person said upon hearing about this collec-tion of essays. In a way, perhaps we are. There are certainly valuable insights to be gleaned from these essays that could benefi t new or soon-to-be dads. But more than that, we see this book as an invitation to refl ect on the give-and-take in any relationship between an elder and a younger

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person—that there are opportunities for both parties to love and to grow.

We hear the wisdom and acceptance that comes with time, of children who mature enough to fi nally hear the message from Dad, and of fathers who fi nally embrace the child as he or she truly is. Sometimes the life lessons are written down, such as the police offi cer with a letter tucked in his locker with instructions to give it to his chil-dren in case of his death. Other times, the lessons are spoken, as when a father lectures his son on how to deal with a racist remark. Sometimes they are delivered on a basketball court, in a garden, or at the barbershop.

Taken as a whole, these stories of fathers and their children remind us that life’s most mundane moments—changing diapers, mowing the lawn, casting for fi sh, pondering the existence of Santa Claus—can reveal deeper, richer insights if we’re quiet enough and patient enough to discover them.

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5

Truth and the Santa Claus Moment

K

corey harbaugh

I believe our lives are condensed into moments like this one: my son Tucker approached me at the grill where I was focused on fi re and dinner, unaware that his eight-year-old mind was struggling for the right words to fi t around a question. Finally, he spoke: “Dad, if I asked you if it was you who bought pres-ents at Christmas instead of Santa, would you tell me?”

I heard questions within questions: is there a Santa Claus, what is Christmas if there isn’t, and, most impor-tant, can I trust you to tell me the truth, Dad? At the heart of each question I heard my son asking if he could still believe what he had believed all his life.

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