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Volume 7, Issue 11 Cookie Day
December 4, 2009
Is it Halloween again?
White House Party Plot
Angelo State’s Finest Pap
er Since Fall 2006
Something to Read
in Class Today
Google, or for the pretentious crowd – Bing, the White House these days, and you’re sure to be hit with any bevy of endless news stories about Obama’s first state dinner with India’s Prime Minister Panamanopia or whatever. And yes, it was a truly historic event, coming on the heels of an unprece‐dented (coincidentally the President’s new favorite word) election. Now, aside from everyone STILL talking about the election of the guy (I mean you’d think we’d never had a presidential election before in this coun‐try), what’s most impressive is that this state dinner has garnered so much atten‐tion. Most people would tell you that it is most likely due to the fact that an ugly, bankrupt, middle‐aged couple slipped into the whole affair uninvited; they just flounced right past the stellar geniuses of the Secret Service. But what is truly amaz‐ing, besides this huge gala being the only credible thing our new President has ac‐complished, is that a party was thrown by a black man and there were no hookers, rap music, or Olde English involved.
Now of course, the above statement is a joke, but it is imperative that this fact be explained lest our institution garner some more hate mail. There has been much speculation about the party crashers of late – who are they, why were they allowed in, why is that bitch so damn ugly? And of course, why didn’t the Secret Service do their job more effectively? Seriously. These two trust funders could have just as easily been Al Qaeda members and taken down our first legitimately black President. Clin‐
ton was our first black President ‐ he screwed fat white chicks, smoked weed, and was a jazz music pimp ‐ but his skin pigment was just a bit lighter than people are used to associating with blackness. So what was the deal, why didn’t anyone stop these random people?
Truth be told, no one knows, or at least isn’t fessing up to the whole truth for fear of losing their jobs. Fear not, we here at the Ramdiculous Page have discovered the truth and shall enlighten you all. Let’s think back just a scant month or so ago, back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth and the entire nation was in the grips of a media firestorm concerning the well‐being of a stupid little child named Bald Eagle, or Hawk, or Goose. You remember him, the infamous ‘balloon boy’ who was hidden away in a cardboard box in his attic while his parents convinced us all that he was plummeting to his doom high above the Canadian Alps. That little stunt cost us hours of our dignity, sanity, and mental health, and all for nothing. However, it did teach us all a valuable lesson in how to get our own fifteen minutes of fame without really trying.
By now you’re thinking of the obvious leap to be made here, in saying that these two bumpkins who crashed the White House were inspired by this Chinese trickery of the helium balloon. But, you would be wrong. What really happened is that the parents of this avionic child, in yet another vane at‐ Continued on page 4
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"It's a few inches too short" - Stacy Lee
Quote of the Week
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Lara (pronounced Lahruh, or Laeruh if you’re special enough) is a very special per-son. She is a senior Journal-ism major. I think she’s a Ger-man major too, but I can’t remember for sure… In any case, she’s cool. She was the managing editor of the “other paper” this semester (emphasis on “was”). That is, in part, why we’re honoring her this week. She will be student teaching this next semester and will undoubtedly have to deal with other teach-ers mistaking her for a student. Basically, she’s short, which is even more comical when she’s standing next to her behe-moth of a fiancée. Her shortness stands in contrast to his great height similarly to the way the pretty smile often found on her face stands in contrast to the dumb look permanently on his. Enough about that fat loser though. Lara is a wonderful per-son. She can very easily brighten your day and is a joy to be around. I have no doubt that she will take her bright spirit and encouraging personality with her wherever she goes, and I’m sure she will continue to be successful in everything she does.
RAMBELLE OF THE WEEK
Lara Johnson
O b a m a F i l e s The big news with the President lately, would naturally be his recent
party crashers. Somehow, at the recent state dinner held in honor of
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India, a couple was able to get in
to the affair on the White House lawn, along with all the prestigious
guests. The problem, of course, being that they were not on any list
and should not have been admitted. This naturally raises a number of
concerns. For one, was the President’s safety ever at risk? Was the
Prime Minister of India in danger? Was Lee Harvey Oswald the only
shooter? The Secret Service continues to not comment on that last
question, but as to the first two, they have assured everyone that no
one was ever in any sort of danger. Everyone, on the list or not, had
to go through multiple layers of security and metal detectors to get
in. Nonetheless, it is quite disturbing. The Chairman of Homeland
Security is even holding a hearing on the matter
(actually, by the time you read this, the hear‐
ing will have been yesterday). It seems that
these two people were able to stir things up
quite nicely in the capitol city. I don’t have any
sources or any firm knowledge, but that won’t
stop me from speculating, and my
speculations are that someone is go‐
ing to lose a job over this. And it
probably won’t be me. In any case,
have a happy Friday, good luck on
your finals, and Merry Christ‐
mas!
3
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Text: Burger for “Get Michael Moore's burger ready guys, he is on his way to promote his new movie about how capitalism, over-
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You may vote as many times as you would like
4
tempt to garner a spotlight for themselves called up their rela‐tives in Montana who were well connected with the Sicilian ma‐fia. This simple phone call was used to broker a deal in which the mafia would front the cash for another, more elaborate venture. And as we know, no Sicilian can refuse granting a favor on this, the day of his daughter’s wedding. So, the parents of the flightless bird child were back in business to hatch another dream, or child – not really sure. The money was transferred from an untraceable Swiss bank account the next day via carrier pigeon to the crack‐pot family. Once they gathered their new money together, the couple then placed another phone call to a brothel in Mos‐cow, Russia, stating that they
would like purchase the ugliest, stupidest looking whore to use as a mail‐order bride. The Rus‐sian woman was flown to the United States, once the check cleared, by two African swallows attached to a strand of creeper held under their dorsal guiding feathers.
Steps one and two complete. Step three was a bit more diffi‐cult because they needed a semi‐rich dolt to pawn the Russian woman off on and convince him to marry her in a rush. So, they took their whore all over the continental U.S., to various bars, clubs, dens of iniquity, and polo matches. At one such polo match they found a cantile‐vered, cantaloupe‐headed 40‐year‐old virgin who still lived with his parents in the base‐ment of their winery. The Rus‐sian woman seduced him, and promised him many dirty, yet tastefully pleasurable, experi‐ences; it was love at first sight.
But the ninny‐man was adamant about not rushing into marriage, so the balloon couple poked holes in box after box of con‐doms and gave them to the Rus‐sian woman to use to bate the man into marriage. She eventu‐ally got impregnated, but the balloon parents couldn’t afford to have her get fat or uglier than she already was, so they scraped the baby out with a coat hanger after the shotgun wedding.
Step four involved convinc‐ing the newly married couple to flit about town and act as if they had all the money in the world and were well liked by many heads of state. The lying was not a problem, it was the convincing people they knew big names that would be tricky. Enter the world of the photoshop and Facebook. The balloon couple cropped, cut and pasted pic‐tures of celebrities and impor‐tant government officials and implanted them into the boring
pictures of the Russian woman and her fruit shaped husband, giving the impression that they were faahbulously well‐to‐do when they were really ne’er‐do‐wells. And, thanks to people being absolutely stupid, espe‐cially in this country, the Russian and her pumpkin were readily accepted as budding celebu‐tants. All of this led to the idea that the newly famous couple should meet the President while being filmed by a private studio film crew so they could pass the footage along to a network for a new TV show idea. The balloon parents’ hopes were that once their creations were able to nail down a show, the two of them could transform themselves into rich looking, vapid pools of in‐cest and stupidity and harangue their way onto the show as well.
‐‐Samuel Clemens, awesome.
Continued from cover
Two Bumpkins
Funny One Liners
Top Ten 10. We never really grow up; we
only learn how to act in pub‐lic.
9. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
8. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
7. Laugh at your problems, every‐body else does.
6. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling
when you see one tumble down the stairs.
4. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay‐checks.
3. Whenever I fill out an applica‐tion, in the part that says "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
1. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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XEROX IS DOING SOMETHING COOL ‐ WITH YOUR HELP If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!! It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them. This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you. Please take the time and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's. Thanks for taking to time to support our military!
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If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email [email protected], via phone
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R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, [email protected] or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Sudoku
Ramdiculous Observances
Saturday: Bathtub Party Day
(no fatties)
Sunday: St. Nicholas Day (wait, if we celebrate St. Nick Dec. 6th, what’s Dec. 25th about?)
Monday: National Cotton Candy Day (just don’t give any to Andy
Samberg or he’ll throw it on the ground)
Tuesday: Uzbekistan Constitution Day
(our constitution looks a lot less trendy when even Uzbekistan
has one…)
Wednesday: Weary Willie Day
Thursday: Human Rights Day (Jefferson
said we had “unalienable rights,” but he never said they had to be honored more than
one day a year)
ARMORED
12:10 2:50 5:10 7:45 10:25
BROTHERS 1:00 4:00 7:30 10:30
EVERYBODY'S FINE
11:30am 2:00 4:30 7:00 9:45
2012
12:55 4:25 7:55
NINJA ASSASSIN
12:00 2:30 5:00 6:15 7:35 8:50 10:10
OLD DOGS
11:50am 1:10 2:20 3:45 4:50 7:20 9:55
THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX
11:40am 2:10 4:40 7:10 9:50
PLANET 51
12:05 2:40 5:05 7:40 10:20
Movie Times
Fantastic Mr. Fox Fantastic Mr. Fox was quite a movie. It was certainly not what I was ex‐pecting. In short, it’s about a fox and his wife (voiced by George Clooney and Meryl Streep) and their family. When they find out they are going to have a kid, they agree to give up their careers as thieves and take up safer jobs. A number of years pass, and Mr. Fox becomes un‐able to keep from stealing, and he ends up taking a great deal from three particular farmers who then decide to go after him. This puts his entire family and all the neighboring animals at risk, and they are forced to work together to keep safe and try to escape. During this entire time, Mr. Fox has his relation‐ship with his son, Ash, who is “different,” to deal with, and Ash
has to learn to get along with his cousin, Kristofferson. Through it all there was a great deal of potential for it to end up cheesy and corny
and other random foods used as ad‐jectives, but it did not. It was quite a nice little story, and very entertain‐ing. There were not many (if any) mo‐ments that merited uproarious laugh‐ter, but there were a great number that would spur a chuckle, and a couple characters including Kylie, the opossum, that would just make you smile. Alto‐gether, it was a
very enjoyable movie—sometimes a little strange, but quite good. The “Secret Council of the Ramdiculous” has taken the recommendation of its “Committee for the Watching and Critiquing of Visual Entertainment and Lawn Chairs” and has bestowed upon this movie, Fantastic Mr. Fox, a B+.