Your pattern is: Walking on Eggshells OK, so what exactly does that mean? First, I’m going to tell you what’s going on with each of the three main people participating in the pattern. That way you’ll get a sense of what they are bringing into the relationship. Then I’ll tell you how each personal “story” affects everyone’s behavior towards each other. What’s going on with each of you: You – On the outside – and to other people – you appear confident, self-assured and “together.” However, on the inside you’re criticizing and judging yourself most of the time. You tend to doubt what you’re thinking, doing, or even feeling because you’re constantly second-guessing yourself. You watch other people and often start to judge how you feel by how you see others act, and immediately feel you don’t – no, can’t – measure up. One of your biggest fears is that other people will discover what you believe about yourself deep down – that you’re just a pretender, a faker – that you’re not as “together” as you look. MIL – Your MIL is struggling with who she is at this point in her life – she’s still a mom, but she isn’t sure exactly what that means now that her son is no longer a child. She’s afraid, uncertain, and worried about the situation. So she does what she knows – she tries to be a mom in the same way she’s always been a mom – as a primary figure in her son’s life and in yours. Only he doesn’t need that kind of mom anymore, nor do you. She thinks she’s being helpful and giving you the guidance you want. She doesn’t “get” why you might not appreciate her helpfulness or input. Husband – Your husband? Well, he definitely plays a part in the struggle you’re having with his mother. An important point here is that all men have to emotionally “let go” of their mother to become the man they’re destined to be. When this occurs depends on many factors, including your husband’s overall relationship with his mother. Your husband is likely in the process of emotionally separating, but isn’t quite there yet. He’s still trying to find his footing with who he is as a man, along with what that looks and feels like. Your husband either feels caught in the middle between you and his mother, or he just pretends to not notice the problems between the two of you. Regardless, he’s feeling inadequate because he can’t fix the problem between you and his mother. How this plays out between the three of you – Now for an overview about what it’s like to be in Walking on Eggshells. In this pattern, you end up watching what you do or say around your MIL. You do it because you don’t

want to cause conflict; or, it could be that you don’t want your MIL mad or upset with you. Either way, it feels like a balancing act – you want to get your point across to some degree, but you don’t want to say too much because you might not be able to stop once you get started. What’s interesting about this pattern is that both you and your MIL actually have many similar feelings. For example, you both feel hurt by and angry with the other person, and you both feel misunderstood. Although you can have some good, fun times with each other, it’s still a strained relationship. You never know what will be said or done that will set things off. Another interesting thing about this relationship is that although arguments can definitely flare up, much of the time, you don’t argue. What is always there however, is the “dread” of having to deal with her or the undercurrent of constant tension. This undercurrent of tension has to go somewhere. And since it’s not being dealt with directly with your MIL, your husband will probably get the brunt of it – partly because of how he chooses (or doesn’t choose) to deal with his mother. Now, the three of you – You –

• You view your MIL as critical, judgmental and controlling, which causes you to feel defensive. On top of that you feel she treats you like a child, and this makes you angry. Since you’re just not into addressing your issues with your MIL, you turn to your husband to fix the problem. But he doesn’t. So the two of you fight more, especially when it has something to do with his mother. You try to tell him how his mother treats you – and treats him – but he doesn’t “get” it. You find yourself telling him what he should do or say to his mother, which also makes you resent him.

MIL –

• Your MIL tends to overstep her bounds both verbally and behaviorally by assuming that as a “mother” she can say or do whatever she wants. For example, she may just walk into your home whether you’re there or not, without knocking or letting your know she’s coming. Maybe she expects that you’ll come to her house for the holidays with no discussion with you about what you may have planned. Or, in that “parental” tone she may tell you or your husband what you should or shouldn’t do about something, etc. She also gets defensive if you ever suggest something to her that she doesn’t particularly like.

Husband –

• When your MIL is around, or even beforehand, you watch your husband change from a man to a little boy right before your eyes. And all you can do is just shake your head as you watch this transformation. His attempt to fix the strain between you and his mother is by explaining his mother’s behavior to you, thinking that if you can understand why she does what she does, everything will be fine. He may also play “dumb” or go mute when you try to bring up your issues about his mother, which only makes you more upset - plus now you’re upset with him, too!