Watch Your Language! Ways of Talking and Interacting with Students that Crack the Behavior Code- Excerpt

7/28/2019 Watch Your Language! Ways of Talking and Interacting with Students that Crack the Behavior Code- Excerpt

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Watch Your Language!

Ways of Talking and Interacting with Students

that Crack the Behavior Code/Book Excerpt

Carmen Y. Reyes

The Psycho-Educational Teacher


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License Notes

This book is intended for professional enrichment. You may reproduce this book

only for classroom management purposes. Duplicating this book for commercial

use is not allowed. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Copyright 2013 by Carmen Y. Reyes

SolidRock Press

Brooklyn, New York


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A Very Special Dedication

I dedicate this book to you, beautiful teacher. We are probably in opposite

corners of the world, but I feel that I know you personally. I share your dreams ofcreating a better world, one child at a time. I know of your disappointment and

self-doubts when things did not go as they were envisioned. I know that you

never quit, no matter how hard things seem to be. Most importantly, I know that

each day that you spend in the classroom is as much a learning experience for you

as it is for your students. My hope is that this humble book inspires and motivates

you the same way that you inspired and motivated me all my life.


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Table of Contents

Introduction

Redefining Discipline Developing an Action Plan

Part I: The Basics

Chapter One: What is Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal Communication Channels Interpersonal Communication Styles Types of Communication Interpersonal Communication in Context Overview

Chapter Two: Interpersonal Communication in the Classroom: Theories and

Principles

The Systems Perspective The Coordinated Management of Meaning Theory (CMM) The Symbolic Interaction Theory The Politeness Theory Principles

OverviewChapter Three: Interpersonal Communication in the Classroom: Components

and Skills

The Receptive Side of Communication: Listening Why We Should Listen to Children Listening Types Bad Listening Behaviors Listening Skills

The Expressive Side of Communication: Speaking Speaking Skills

Overview


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Part II: Interpersonal Communication is Everything And Everywhere!

Chapter Four: A Therapeutic Framework of Interpersonal Communication

Assertive Assertive Language Starts with the Teacher

Optimistic Motivational

Important Motivational Constructso Locus of Controlo Attribution Styleo Not All Effort is the Right Effort

Rational Cognitive Distortions

Goal-Oriented Guidelines for Setting Goals Changing Behavior is the Journey- Goal-Oriented Questions to Plan

My Route

Choice Making Problem Solving Solution-Oriented Overview

Chapter Five: On Becoming an Effective Communicator

Our Intention Determines the Meaning of the Communication The Meaning of the Communication is in the Response We Get Connect Before You Direct- The Essence of Effective Communication

The First Column- Rapport The Second Column- Empathy A Brief Note About Time

OverviewChapter Six: The Nonverbal Aspect of Interpersonal Communication

Types of Nonverbal Communication Uses of Nonverbal Communication Putting Our Interpretations in Context Clusters of Nonverbal Behavior Teachers Supportive Body Language- Showing Kids that We Care Aligning Our Verbal and Nonverbal Communication


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OverviewChapter Seven: What We Expect is What We Get: The Influential Effect of

Teachers Expectations in Shaping Classroom Behavior

Guidelines for Communicating High Expectations to Children Overview

Part III: Speech Acts

Chapter Eight: The Speech Act- Parts and Uses

Parts of Speech Sentences Special Linguistic Terms

Manipulating the Parts of Speech to Modify Meaning Overview

Chapter Nine: Disciplinary Speech Acts

Short-Term Disciplinary Speech Acts Long-Term Disciplinary Speech Acts

Kinds of Long-Term Disciplinary Speech Actso Feedbacko Constructive Criticism

Kinds of Criticism Guidelines for Criticizing Children

o Praise Guidelines for Praising Children

o Encouragemento Requests or Commands?

When Refusing Is Not an Option: Mastering the Command Guidelines for Giving Alpha Commands

o Correcting Behavior Guidelines for Correcting Behavior

OverviewChapter Ten: Enhanced Disciplinary Language

The Persuasive Speech Act Giving Suggestions to Children Changing Young Hearts and Minds with the Persuasive Message

o Techniques for Changing Young Hearts and Minds


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The Persuasive Power of Images- Guided Imagery and Visualizations Why the Question? How to Ask Questions that Change Behavior

Questions to Help the Child Select Goals

Questions to Help the Child Identify Resources Questions to Help the Child Initiate Action Questions to Help the Child Stay in Course Questions to Help the Child Correct Course Questions to Help the Child Measure Progress Questions to Help the Child Cope with Failure Some Special Questions

Mastering Therapeutic Language: How to Turn Negative Behavior intoPositive Problem Solving Enhanced Interventions to Create Rapport with a Difficult Student

o The Synchronization Techniqueo Alternative Approaches to Create Rapporto More Techniques

Child Guidance Speech Acts Interpreting Reflecting Reframing Decoding Challenging Confronting

Child Guidance Guidelines From Analysis to Change: Helping Children in Planning Responsible

Behavior

OverviewAppendix

Appendix A: Visualization Exercise for Children- Enhancing Your Senses Appendix A- Analysis and Techniques


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o List of Techniques Appendix B: Visualization Exercise for Children- Test Taking

Appendix B- Analysis and Techniqueso List of Techniques

Bibliography

List of Tables

Table 5.1. Bads and Betters of Effective Communication Table 9.1. Examples of the Three Kinds of Feedback

About the Author

CONNECT WITH THE AUTHOR ONLINE

DISCOVER OTHER TITLES BY THIS AUTHOR


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Introduction

Much literature is available relating teachers language (the words we use

and the messages we send) with students behaviors. Commonly, these are books

within the neuro-linguistic programming model or NLP. For example, Nitsche

(2006) discusses neuro-linguistic techniques, focusing in nonverbal classroom

management; Mahony (2003) focuses in NLP language patterns such as meta-

modelor questioning and metaphoric or storytelling. Outside the neuro-linguistic

tradition, the nonviolent communication model, developed by Rosenberg (2003),

is an example of a specific way of talking that aims at improving the classroom

environment by creating a partnership relationship between teacher andstudents. As Hart and Kindle Hodson (2004) stated, in this relationship based

classroom, safety, trust, student needs, teacher needs, and modes of

communication are considerations as important as history, language arts, science,

or other academic subjects (p. 15).

These language and communication approaches are rooted in the belief

that teachers ways of talking play a crucial role in influencing childrens behavior;

our students behaviors strongly reflect both the words we use and how we say

those words to them. In simpler terms, positive and optimistic messages that

communicate high expectations influence positive behavior, and negative and

pessimistic messages with low expectations influence negative behavior. The

nonviolent communication model emphasizes the importance of quality teacher-

student interactions in improving the classroom environment. From the broader

interpersonal communication point of view, better teachers language coupled

with quality teacher-students interactions actually improves childrens behavior.

Based on this fundamental belief, to break a cycle of poor classroom interactions

(e.g. negative teacher-to-students interactions, hostile student-to-student

interactions, disruptiveness, and noncompliance), we need to change the

messages we send to students. In summary, our ways of talking influence the way

we interact with children, and the way we interact with children influences their

behavior. Therefore, to speak and relate with children in a way that promotes


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positive classroom behavior, teachers need better interpersonal communication

skills.

Watch Your Language! Ways of Talking and Interacting with Students that

Crack the Behavior Code is a book about how to discipline children using behavior-

influence language. Within the interpersonal communication context, classroom

discipline is not just about finding and using the right techniques; classroom

discipline is about building positive and collaborative teacher-students

interactions and relationships. We start building better classroom relationships

when we communicate to our students from the beginning thatwe will do

everything we need to doto enjoy being with them and teaching them. This leads

us to a new definition of classroom discipline, a definition that is both

interactions-basedand communication-based.

Redefining Discipline

Every teacher faces daily challenges in trying to teach children better ways

of behaving. A few have little difficulty in disciplining children, some get

inconsistent results (i.e. positive behavior some of the time but not all of the time

and/or positive behavior from some students but not from all students), and for

others, keeping the class engaged in the lessons, focused, and well-motivatedfeels difficult to accomplish. If we want to move up from one of the last two

groups to the first group of teachers, a good starting point is to understand what

discipline means to us, because it is from this definition of discipline that both our

behavior management system and discipline style develop. For instance, for

several years, I equated the term discipline with reacting to my students

negative and disruptive behaviors. For example, I felt compelled to reprimand the

two children that were holding a private conversation in the back of the room, or

to say something to the child that was pushing others in the line. It took me years

of mistakes and frustration before I realized that discipline is less about reacting

to the negatives, and more about what I can do to elicit positive behaviors from

my students. When we define discipline as reacting to the negatives, we put

children in charge; they are the ones in the offensive, and the teacher is usually


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on the defensive, a well-known recipe for feelings of insecurity and self-doubt

(e.g. Do I have what it takes to do this job?). However, by envisioning discipline

as everything we put into childrenthat influences how theybehave, we shift from

the passive role of simply reacting to childrens behaviors as it is, to a much more

active and focused role of doing everything we can do to encourage and guide

positive behavior. That is, we evolve from demanding childrens compliance to

classroom rules to a child guidance system that encourages and coaches children

in change and in personal growth. Or, as Nitsche (2006) says, we transition from

the sphere of domination and power to the sphere of influence, a very much-

needed step in becoming an effective behavior manager.

Developing an Action PlanOnce we complete the step of redefining discipline, the second step is to

develop an action plan. This is a question-and-answer process where we explore

the answers to six basic questions:

1. How do I want my class to turn out? Alternatively, what is my goal for thisclass?

2. What my class will need from me to become the class I want them/expectthem to be? Alternatively, how can I encourage my class to become the

class I want them/expect them to be?

3. What interpersonal skills my class needs to learn?4. How can we (teacher with class) do it?5. What resources do I have?

a. internal resourcesb. external resources

6. What resources does my class have?a. personal strengthsb. current interpersonal skills

Alternatively, for a specific child, we ask:


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1. How do I want this child to turn out? Alternatively, what is my goal for thischild?

2. What this child will need from me to become everything positive that thischild can be? Alternatively, how can I encourage this child to become

everything positive that this child can be?

3. What interpersonal skills this child needs to learn?4. How can we (teacher with child) do it?5. What resources do I have?

a. internal resourcesb. external resources

6. What resources does this child have?a. personal strengthsb. current interpersonal skills

In question one, we state our main goal. The second question expands our

role (our own behavior) to both an active and a motivational role. With the third

question, we identify our objectives, or the specific interpersonal skills that we

are going to teach. The planning process (how to) starts with the fourth question;

this is where we identify the order of steps or a procedure. Questions five and sixare all about resources available and personal strengths, both the teachers

personal strengths (question five) and childrens personal strengths (sixth

question).

To be effective in encouraging and motivating children for better behavior,

we need to make them aware that they already have the personal resources they

need to self-regulate behavior; our main role is to help children notice and

strengthen those resources. In the process of behavior change, the teacher, like a

sports coach, guides the child or class in how to use those precious personal

resources to develop the behavioral self-control needed to become successful,

not only in school, but also in life. Discipline then, should never be about short-

term solutions using 5-minute techniques. Discipline needs to be our long-term

goal, where we help children develop the self-direction they need to be in control


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of their present and future behavior using constructive rules and high standards

that they have internalized.


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PART I

THE BASICS


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Chapter One

What is Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal communication is the process of sharing thoughts, feelings,

and information with one another. The two elements in interpersonal

communication are message sending and message reception. The process of

interpersonal communication begins at the thoughts and/or feelings level, that is,

an individual (the sender) gets a thought or a feeling, converts this thought or

feeling into a message, and then sends the message using a communication

channel ( oral, written, or visual). The person receiving the message (the receiver)

responds to it and sends a response back via the same or using a different

communication channel. Interpersonal communication is more than a superficial

exchange ofhellos. The process of interpersonal communication refers to both

the contentand the qualityof messages, and how we can develop and/or

strengthen relationships from these messages.

Interpersonal communication can take place with and without words; for

example, even when the receiver responds with silence and/or withdrawing, his

or her body language gives information to the sender. Similarly, a single gesturecan communicate a particular thought or a feeling. Like all skills, with knowledge,

practice, and feedback, we can learn and/or improve our interpersonal

communication skills.

Interpersonal Communication Channels

In interpersonal communication, the three main channels of

communication are:

1. The oral channel, whichrefers to the spoken words in thecommunication process. For example, speaking face-to-face

interactions or on the phone.

2. The written channel, for example, letters, emails, or texting.


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3. The visual channel, for example, body language, sign language, andpictures.

Based on the channel used, we can classify the process of communication

into verbal communication and nonverbal communication. To communicate

verbally (with words), we can use the oral and/or written channel. In nonverbal

communication, we use body language (i.e. facial expression, body posture, and

body movements), gestures, and pictorial representations such as pictures,

paintings, signboards, sketches, and diagrams.

Interpersonal Communication Styles

Bateman and Zeithaml (As cited on Sethi and Seth, 2009) originallyintroduced the following styles of interpersonal communication:

The controlling style. In a controlling style of interpersonal communication,the person sending the message leaves little or no room for the person

receiving the message to respond to the message and/or to give feedback.

This is the my way or no way style. The controlling style is common in

senior-to-subordinate interactions, and, mostly intended to intimidate the

receiver, creates a communication gap or inequality between the two parts.

The structuring style. In the structuring style, the purpose of thecommunication is to coordinate and organize ideas, and to communicate

specific goals. Most classroom lessons and lectures follow this style. If we

are not careful, the structuring style can turn into a one-way conversation

with no feedback from the audience (students).

The egalitarian style. In the egalitarian style, the participants share theinformation mutually. In this style of communication, all participants are

encouraged to express their ideas, creating a cooperative atmosphere.

The dynamic style. In the dynamic style, we use motivating words andphrases to encourage the receiver to get inspired and to achieve specific

goals. Although this is the communication style that we use to motivate and

engage children in changing behavior, students are not going to be able to

change their behavior if they lack the skills required, or if they do not have


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enough knowledge and information about the actions that we are requiring

from them. In other words, to change behavior, motivation alone is not

going to do the trick, only motivation with skills change behavior.

The relinquishing style. In this style, we may be so open to the ideas of theother person, that we transfer the responsibility for the conversation to the

other person. This style of communication works best when both sender

and receiver are equally interested in the conversation, share common

goals, and have equivalent skills.

The withdrawal style. We can describe this style as a failure incommunicating, or a lack of communication. In this style, at least one of the

participants shows total disinterest in participating in the conversation, or

in carrying the conversation forward.

Types of Communication

Depending on style and intention (purpose), communication can beformal

or informal. The official communication that takes place in the business world (i.e.

conferences, meetings, and memos) is one example of formal communication; a

second example is an interchange taking place between two strangers interacting

for the first time. Formal communication is more precise and rigid than informal

communication. On the other hand, informal communication includes those

instances where the communication between people is more free and

unrestrained, with no limiting rules or guidelines, for example, friends or family

members. In informal communication, there are no boundaries of time, place, or

even topics. To summarize, formal communication is confined mainly to the

workplace; informal communication is part of our personal lives.

Interpersonal Communication in Context

No communication happens in a vacuum; there are always conditions

preceding the message, and conditions surrounding the message. These

conditions, or context, can be in the form of present or past events, including


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personal history; that is, how each individual is, and what each individual brings to

the communication. In addition, the context can be:

Thephysical environment, that is, factors external to the participants(physical space), including things like the size of the room, furniture,

noise level, and temperature.

The social environment, for example, teachers, other students,friends, and family.

The participantspsychologicalor emotional state. The participantsinteractions or individual reactions. The setting (place and time), for example, classroom, lunchroom,

principals office, schoolyard, and time of day. The psychological setting or scene, including characteristics such as

range of formality and sense of play or seriousness.

The cultural environmentor learned behaviors and social rules. The situation, that is, the participants cognitive or mental

representations (thoughts) of the environment, or how theyperceive

the environment.

Our particular day-to-day verbal exchanges with our students take place ina verbal context, which are the sentences and body attitude (body language)

before and after the message and the way we deliver that message (e.g. our tone

of voice). All these conditions in interaction are instrumental in giving meaning to

a message; in other words, context influences the way that children understand

and interpret our messages.


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Overview

1. Interpersonal communication is the process of sharing thoughts,feelings, and information with one another. At the core of this process

are the two elements ofmessage sending and message reception;however, interpersonal communication goes beyond a superficial

exchange of hellos, referring to both the contentand the qualityof the

message, and how we can develop and/or strengthen relationships from

the messages we share.

2. Interpersonal communication can take place with or without words.Even silence and withdrawing body language have meaning, and they

communicate that meaning.

3. There are six interpersonal communication styles: controlling,structuring, egalitarian, dynamic, relinquishing, and withdrawal. The

controlling style is an unequal interaction where the speaker does not

allow the listener to respond to the message or to give feedback.

Common in the school setting is the dynamic style, or motivating words

and phrases that teachers use to inspire children and to help them

achieve their academic goals.

4. No communication happens in a vacuum. There are always conditionspreceding the message and conditions surrounding the message. These

conditions or contextcan be in the form of present or past events,

including each individualspersonal history; that is, how each participant

is and what each participant brings to the interaction. Context

influences the way the participants understand and interpret the

message.

5. Like all skills, with knowledge, practice, and feedback teachers, as wellas their students, can develop and/or improve their interpersonal

communication competence.


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Chapter Two

Interpersonal Communication in the Classroom:

Theories and Principles

In the broader context, interpersonal communication theories explain how

personal and/or social relationships start, develop, and end. Some interpersonal

communication theories elaborate on how people maintain a social or a personal

relationship over time, while other theories focus on why some individuals relate

to others the way they do, and what to do when handling an individual that is

interacting (behaving) in unexpected ways. The consensus among these theories

is that we define, initiate, maintain, deepen, or even terminate a relationship

based on the quality of our communication. Simply put, the way we communicate

with others has a role in influencing our social interactions, relationships, and

behavior. In applying this broader principle to the school setting, we explore four

interpersonal communication theories that help us put in perspective how

teachers can use interpersonal communication, or the day-to-day exchange of

messages taking place in the classroom to build positive and constructive teacher-

to-students interactions and relationships.

The Systems Perspective

The systems perspective analyzes the kinds of communication taking place

on groups of interacting individuals, from a small group to organizations. The

systems perspective is not just one theory, but a group of theories sharing a

common interactional view of relationships maintenance, in particular, theinterdependence that develops whenever two or more individuals interact. The

system is any group of individuals interrelating to form a whole, for example, the

family, a sports team, co-workers, or the classroom. Any time that a particular

group of people has repeated interactions with each other, that group represents

a system. Systems are part of a hierarchy, with smaller systems existing within


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bigger systems, and parallel systems co-existing. The subsystem is a smaller part

of the group as a whole, for example, the students in PS 164. Thesuprasystem is

the larger system, in our example, students with staff.Due to its hierarchical

nature, PS 164 is a smaller system (subsystem) of District 12, and students in PS

164 are a suprasystem of class 508. In addition, classes 501, 502, 503, and so on,

are equivalent systems of class 508.

From systems theory we get the nonsummativity principle, that is, the

whole is greater than the sum of its parts. From a systems perspective, single

members in and on themselves do not make or break the system; only the system

as a whole and working together is able to create what individual members

working in isolation will never be able to accomplish. The belief that systems have

the ability to achieve more through group effort than through individual effort iswhat we know in system theory aspositive synergy. Using systemic language,

when all students in class 508 achieve, including students with disabilities, the

class has positive synergy. On the other hand, if the group or system achieves less

than its individual members, that is, some students achieving, but not all

students, then class 508 is on negative synergy. General systems theorists also

believe in the interdependence principle, that is, each member of the group

depending on every other member of the group. Based on the interdependence

principle, if one member in the group drops the ball (stops working toward thegroups goal), the group as a whole is unlikely to achieve its goals. Another

important principle in systems theory is the principle ofhomeostasis, a biological

self-regulation concept introduced by W. R. Ashby in the 1960s. Homeostasis

references the natural balance or equilibrium within groups. All groups have the

tendency to maintain stability in the face of change, and this homeostasis or

stability can be positive (functional) or negative (dysfunctional). According to the

homeostasis principle, a system free of conflict (e.g. class 508) is likely to continue

to be free of conflict, but a classroom with great deal of conflict (e.g. class 502) is

likely to remainin conflict. The homeostasis principle states that, in class 502, any

effort to reduce conflict will probably create more conflict, because conflict is the

natural balance (homeostasis) for class 502. From vonBertalanffy, an Austrian-

born biologist known as one of the founders of general systems theory, we get


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the important principle ofequifinality, or the idea that the system or group has

multiple ways of achieving the same goal. In other words, to achieve a particular

goal, the group can take different paths. In addition, when the group focuses and

establishes priorities, it can work on multiple goals simultaneously. In summary,

systems perspective theories try to explain the patterns of communication that

groups like classes 508 and 502 develop to sustain homeostasis and to achieve

groups goals. Today, general systems concepts that explain the properties of

systems are central in organizational management theory and in cybernetics

theory (Littlejohn, 2011).

The Coordinated Management of Meaning Theory (CMM)

Coordinated management of meaning, a collection of ideas put together to

try to explain how people interact during the communication process, became

popular in the 1980s. The main premise in this theory is that communication is

about meanings, not only in the passive way of perceiving a message, but in the

active way ofcreating the meaning of the message. Creating the meaning of the

communication is not something that one participant does in isolation; all

participants are creating meaning simultaneously and in coordination with all the

other participants in the interaction. Expanding authors Pearce and Cronenoriginal definition, effectivecommunication is a two-sided process of (1)

coordinating actions with one another and (2) making and managing meanings

together(See Griffin, 2011). According to this theory, creating meaning is a

mutual responsibility; both sender and receiver create the meaning of the

interaction, and should share equal responsibility in doing so. In addition,

depending on the specific situation and context, the meaning we create and/or

understand can change, which is theprinciple of having multiple truths. When

there are arguments and/or disagreements between sender and receiver (e.g.between a teacher and a specific student) is mainly because they are not sharing

one same meaning, and, with different meanings in conflict, the intended

message loses clarity, coordination, and coherence. To be able to communicate

more effectively, so that we get a better outcome, we need to know how we can

create a new and shared meaning while we are exchanging our individual ideas.


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CMM theory emphasizes the importance of experiences, beliefs, and values

in deciding which meaning and interpretation are most important in the stories

we tell; that is, our experiences, beliefs, and values have a crucial role in how our

interactions will play out ultimately. The coordinated management of meaning

theory relies in three key concepts:

1. Coherence. In this process, both the constitutive rules (rules of meaning)and our expectations for the communication help explain how the message

gets its meaning. Our internalized rules and expectations help us make

sense of what is happening in the interaction. Each story we tell holds a

different interpretation depending on six main factors:

A. Content, that is, the information that we exchange (speak) during theinteraction. In creating meaning, content alone is not enough; ourtone of voice and body language are often more informative than

what we say.

B. Episode or situation, that is, the specific rules and routines for eachinteraction (the specific things we do). The same words (the things

we say or the content) can take a different meaning when the

situation is different, for example, the phrase, You are so funny!

has one meaning when we are sharing jokes with friends and a

different meaning when we say it to the classrooms joker that just

interrupted our lesson for the third time.

C. Speech acts or the kinds of language we use. For example, requests,commands, statements, questions, criticism, compliments,

reprimands, threats, or promises.

D. Relationships between the individuals in the interaction, morespecifically, the dynamics of what connects the participants. For

example, two participants that like each other (in rapport), two

participants indifferent to each other (neutral rapport), or two

participants hostile to each other (without rapport). The stories we

tell to people we like and trust (in rapport) are different from those

stories we tell to individuals we do not like and/or do not trust.


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Similarly, the same story told in rapport may change meaning when

there is no rapport between the participants.

E. Self-concept, which relates to how each participant perceives himselfor herself. The coordinated management of meaning theory states

that we create our self-concept through those stories about us we are

constantly telling others; personal stories that, in turn, give us

guidelines or scripts for our behavior. By evolving into behavior

scripts or behavior patterns, our personal stories influence our

behavior. This takes us to a premise common to most theories in

interpersonal communication: self-concept influences behavior.For

instance, because our classrooms joker perceives himself as a funny

guy, he makes jokes and acts funny; the way our classrooms jokerbehaves explicitly telling the personal story of who he believes he is

or his self-concept.Particularly relevant to the coordinated

management of meaning theory is that self-concept changes and

develops through different personal stories(e.g. Im funny, Im

stubborn,I have a potty mouth,and Im good with numbers)

and, by telling and retelling (acting) these personal stories; for

example, by being funny and using foul language, children like our

classrooms joker shape their self into a self-picture or a self-image ofwhat they believe to be true. Also relevant to this theory is that a

childs self-concept or self-image is strongly influenced by those

specific stories he or she hears from significant others such as

teachers, parents, and peers (e.g. You are a funny guy!Why are

you so stubborn?or You have such a potty mouth!). There is a

strong therapeutic value in explaining behavior as an open and

modifiable scriptto our habitually disruptive students, helping

children reviewold behavior scripts or blueprints so that they can

rewrite a new and improved script that is open to new possibilities or

new behaviors. When we have to deal with children with recurrent

behavior problems, a therapeutic intervention would be to help them

understand that a behavior scriptis never completely and


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permanently written (closed script), quite the contrary, childrens

behavior scripts are changing and evolving throughout their lifetime

(open script), and children can always write a much better story for

themselves.

F. Culture, that is, the set of rules for acting and speaking thatdetermines what we define as normal in a given episode or a given

situation. There are different rules of interaction depending on each

participants culture.

2. Coordination. The words we say and the things we do during ourinteractions come together to producepatterns, or the stories we live. Each

individual has a specific set of rules that shapes his or her behavior. We all

operate from our own set of rules, but we can coordinate our personal orspecific rules to coincide with the specific rules of others. Regulative rules

guide our actions (how we respond and behave), and aid in coordination.

The process of coordination refers specifically to the fact that, although we

all have different beliefs, values, ideas, etc., that does not mean that we

cannot reach consensus, and an outcome that benefits us all. We can even

create new rules of meaning (constitutive rules) or action (regulative rules)

to facilitate a successful coordination. Coordination requiresperspective

taking, or being sensitive and mindful of the other side of the story. Finally,

it is important that we keep in mind that different rules produce different

patterns of communication and different outcomes; therefore, if we want

to get better results, we need to apply different rules.

3. Mystery. We cannot explain everything that happens in the communicativeexchange. This is the concept of mystery, or stories unexpressed. Our

human experience is more than any individual story told or lived. Mystery

has to do with the sense of awe or wonder that we experience when thecommunication leads to an unexpected outcome. Together, the processes

ofcoherence, coordination, and mysterycreate the basis for our social

interactions. Coherence gives context to the stories we tell, coordination

comes through the stories we live, and mystery is the sense of wonder for

stories unexpressed. Wrapping up, CMM theory sees human interactions as


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a complex series of interconnected events in which each participant is at

the same time influencing and being influenced by the other participants.

Advocates of this theory believe that the best way of improving the

outcomes of our social interactions is by improving the patterns of

communication that produce these outcomes.

The Symbolic Interaction Theory

We live in a symbolic world as well as in a physical world; symbols (i.e.

words, gestures, and social roles) give meaning and define our world. We share

our symbols through human interaction; therefore, interactions give us meaning.

Developed by Herbert Blumer (See Griffin, 2011), this school of thought holds the

principle ofmeaning as central in understanding human behavior. The three core

principles of this theory are:

1. Meaning, that is, the purpose or significance attributed to peopleand things. Meaning is neither inherent in objects nor fixed; each

time we interact with other people or the environment, we create

and/or modify meaning. In other words, meaning evolves from

interactions.

2. Language. Language, a set of shared meanings, is the way by whichwe negotiate meaning through symbols.

3. Thought. Thought modifies each individuals interpretationofsymbols. Based on language, thought is a mental conversation or

dialogue that requires role taking, orperspective taking; that is, the

ability to imagine different points of view.

In summary, through symbolic interactions, we interpret and give meaning

to our world. At the same time, we act toward people and events based on thesymbolic meanings (existing symbols) already attached to those people or events.

That is, our internalized symbols filter our perception of the event and shape our

behavior. For instance, think about the kind of teacher-student relationship that

can develop from symbolic meanings such as:


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The teacher defines the child as slow, noncompliant, pain in thebutt, and obnoxious.

The child defines the teacher as unfair, boring, yells too much, andhas a bad hair day every day.

Because both teacher and childs behaviors are in response of their pre-

existing meanings; and remember, children are defining us too, we can anticipate

conflict between teacher and student. In agreement with the previous school of

thought (CMM), advocates of symbolic interaction theory propose that children

develop their concept of self, or self-concept, through the processes of interacting

and communicating with significant others (i.e. parents, caretakers, teachers, and

peers), most specifically, the way significant others react to their behaviors and

how children perceive and interpret those reactions. Simply put, throughinteractions with significant others children are learning about themselves. Self-

concept, once is developed, provides an important motive for the childs

behavior. Again and again, we witness how different but related theories in

interpersonal communication embrace the same belief that self-concept

influences behavior. In addition, once the teacher defines the student as slow and

noncompliant, these preconceptions and labels become reality for the child. The

teachers symbolic meanings almost invariably elicit in the child the same

behaviors that the teacher wants to extinguish in the first place. The two familiar

notions ofteachersexpectations (teachers expectations influence students

performance, perceptions, and attitudes) and self-fulfilling prophesy(the

tendency for our expectations to evoke responses in children that confirm what

we originally anticipated) are rooted in principles of symbolic interactions.

Finally, because teachers are managers of behavior, it is important that we

understand human behavior. According to the symbolic interaction theory,

individuals have different meanings for the same symbols (i.e. for one same eventor situation). Our experiences and memories are linked to our internalized

symbols, and the same symbol that evokes a positive reaction and pleasant

memory in one person can evoke a negative reaction and painful memory in a

second individual. For example, the 25th

of April may signify the birth of her

firstborn for one individual while evoking painful memories of a car accident in a


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second individual. Different meanings for the same symbol easily lead to

communication problems ormiscommunication. When a clear understanding of

the situation is lost due to different definitions, perceptions, interpretations,

and/or opinions of the same symbol or event, we start relying on assumptions

and pre-conceptions, putting more emphasis in defending our individual opinions

or pre-conceptions than in reaching consensus and agreement. Teachers

understanding of childrens behavior, that is, why children behave the way they

do, improves when the teacher is aware of the meaning of the symbol (behavior

or event)forthe child. When the teacher and the student have a mutual

understanding of the meaning of the symbol, they can communicate and interact

more effectively. Applying this notion to managing disruptive classroom behavior,

the goal of our interactions with the disruptive child is to create a shared

meaning. For instance, first, teacher and joker share their individual

interpretation of the symbol(the definition of the event, for example, the child

perceives and defines the situation as funny but the teacher perceives and defines

the situation as annoying). Secondly, teacher and student reach an agreement

that works for both of them. For example, the teacher allows the student to

introduce the lesson with a joke. In return, the child refrains from blurting out

jokes while the teacher is delivering the lesson. By taking into considerationthe

childs interpretation of the situation and with symbol manipulation (using thechilds symbol to motivate him to action), the teacher manages the students

behavior. Not only that, but, because symbols are flexible and evolve from

interactions, this interpersonal communication approach modifiesthe childs

original perception of the teacher from always unfair to sometimes fair,

helping the child to be more receptive to the teachers guidance and re-direction.

The Politeness TheoryThe Politeness Theoryapplies concepts from both schools of thought,

Identity Managementand Symbolic Interaction. From the first perspective

(Identity Management), we get an analysis about how individuals establish,

develop, and maintain their identities (faces) during interactions. The concept of

face, or the self-image that each individual wants to present to others, is central


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to both schools of thought. The main assumption here is that we are all

concerned with maintaining face (See Holtgraves, 2002). The Politeness Theory

explains how an individual tries to promote, protect, or save face especially

when dealing with an embarrassing or a shameful event. The notion of face has

two dimensions:

1. Positive Face, or our wish to be liked, appreciated, and admired bythose individuals that are important to us; for that reason, we

behave in ways that will ensure their approval.

2. Negative Face or our wish to act freely, without constraints orlimitations from others.

When we can achieve only one face at the expense of the other face, our

face needs are in conflict. Likewise, while interacting with others, our face needs

may be in conflict. For example, during a teacher-student exchange, when the

teacher is wearing the positive face and the student is wearing the negative face,

the interaction can deteriorate into conflict. When the teacher acknowledges and

is sensitive to the students specific face needs, the teacher will be more effective

in balancing his/her own positive and negative faces. Even when our face needs

are not in opposition, the interaction can still be conflictive, for example, when

both the teacher and the child are wearing the negative face. Using the notion of

face needs, we can teach our habitually disruptive and anger-prone students how

to reach a balance between getting others attention and approval (positive face)

while developing independence and self-sufficiency (negative face).

According to the Politeness Theory, interactions like apologies,

compliments, criticism, requests, commands, and threats areface-threatening

acts or FTAs(See Holtgraves, 2002; Goldsmith on Baxter and Braithwaite, 2008;

and Griffin, 2011). To preserve face, that is, to minimize a FTA, we can use specific

strategies (messages) known asfacework(Goffman as seen on Holtgraves, 2002).Preventive facework(Metts and Cupach on Baxter and Braithwaite, 2008) includes

those communication strategies that we use to help ourselves or the student

averts a FTA (before the embarrassing act). Some examples are:

Avoiding the topic


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Changing the topic Pretending we did not notice

Corrective facework(Metts and Cupach on Baxter and Braithwaite, 2008)

are the messages we send to help restore face, both our own and the childs face.For example, after an embarrassing event, we can use corrective strategies such

as:

Humor Avoiding the topic Apologizing An account or an explanation of the behavior that caused

embarrassment

When we are interacting in a way that threatens the students face needs,

we can choose among one of five suprastrategies. Credited to Brown and

Levinson (Holtgraves, 2002), these suprastrategies rank from most polite and

least direct to least polite and most direct:

1.Avoidance. When we avoid talking with the student about the issue, we arechoosing not to communicate in a way that could embarrass the student, or

could make the child lose face.2. Going off record. With this strategy, we are hinting or mentioning the face-

threatening topic in a less direct way. Hints and suggestions areopen

messages that the student can pick up (or not). The student can interpret

our suggestion in different ways, which minimizes any face threat. An

indirect way of talking about the face-threatening topic would be, It is sad

that the walls were covered with graffiti. I hope the child who did this is not

afraid to come forward and faces the consequences of his actions.

3. Negative politeness. Here, we recognize the students negative face needs,that is, we recognize the childs need for freedom and lack of restrain. We

are also acknowledging that our request inhibits the childs independence

and we apologize for making such request. For example, Ricky, I feel sorry


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about the whole situation, and I dont like asking you about this, but I really

need your help. Do you know who covered the walls with graffiti?

4. Positive politeness. Using positive politeness, we appeal to the childspositive face, that is, the child wants others to like and approve of him or

her. The face-threatening message is hidden beneath praise and

compliments. For example, Ricky, you always say the truth, and the other

kids admire you and follow your lead. I feel that I can count on you on this.

Would you help me find who covered the walls with graffiti?

5. Bald on record. This is the most direct and least polite of the fivesuprastrategies. Now, we are not attempting to protect the students face,

and simply deliver the face-threatening message (e.g. making a demand to

the child). For example, Ricky, you covered the walls with graffiti, didntyou?

Principles

In the classroom, interpersonal communication is a language-based

disciplinary approach that gives teachers communicative skills that change

teachersresponses to students behaviors, as well as communicative skills that

change the behaviors of students. Teachers skilled in interpersonal

communication are able to discipline children through supportive and

constructive language. We base our face-to-face interactions with children on the

premise that all children want to do the rightthing, so itis up to the teacher to

guide them. The teacher and/or staff member offers encouragement, guidance,

and coaching that showchildren the way. Important interpersonal

communicationprinciples that we follow are:

The language a teacher uses defines the teacher, for example,Mr. Randallis strict but fair and My teacher is friendly and she cares for me.

The language a teacher uses defines the students, for example,cooperative, lazy, visual learner, sneaky, and dyslexic.

Positive labels such as polite, creative, insightful, leader, and motivatedpositively influence how teachers communicate and relate with children.


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Negative labels such as follower, messy-sloppy, troublemaker, oppositional,and emotionally troubled negatively influence how teachers communicate

and relate with children.

When the teacher changes his definitions and descriptions of the student(labels), he changes his perception of the child.

When the teacher changes his perception of the child, he changes the wayhe communicates and relates with the child.

When we tell a student to do something and the child refuses, it is helpfulto think about whether the way we are telling the child to do things

promotes noncompliance.

The teacher that is able to adjust and modify her messages according to theindividual child and the particular situation will get better compliance than

the teacher that always uses static language such as right/wrong and

good/bad.

Once teachers realize that, the way we talk (our messages), influenceschildrensbehavior, we can reduce and even eliminate disruptive classroom

behavior. Negative messages trigger negative behavior, and positive

messages trigger positive behavior. By approaching classroom situations

differently, that is, changing our messages and expectations from negativeto positive, teachers can change the behavior of students and improve the

overall classroom atmosphere.


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Overview

1. Interpersonal communication theories explain how personal and/orsocial relationships start, develop, and end. Some interpersonal

communication theories explain how to maintain a social or a personalrelationship; other theories focus on why some individuals relate to

others the way they do. The consensus among these theories is that we

define, initiate, maintain, deepen, or even terminate relationships based

on the quality of our communications. Simply put, the way we

communicate has a role in influencing our social interactions, relations,

and behaviors. In applying this broader principle to the school setting,

we explore how teachers can use interpersonal communication theory

and principles to build positive and constructive teacher-studentsinteractions and relationships.

2. Systems Perspective is a group of theories sharing an interactional viewof relationships maintenance. From this group of interpersonal

communication theories, we get the nonsummativity principle, or the

idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. When some

students, but not all students, in the classroom achieve that class is on

negative synergy. To createpositive synergy, all students in the

classroom must achieve, including children with a history of school

failure. Only the system (class) as a whole and working together can

create positive synergy, something that individual members (individual

students) in isolation cannot accomplish. Another important concept in

systems perspective theory is homeostasis, or the tendency to maintain

stability in face of changes. A classroom in conflict, or in negative

homeostasis, is likely to remain in conflict, and any effort to reduce it

may feed the conflict because conflict is the natural balance or

homeostasis for that classroom.

3. The Coordinated Management of Meaning Theory(CMM) is a collectionof ideas put together to explain interactions during the communication

process. The main premise is that communication is about meanings,

not only in the passive way of perceiving the message, but in the active


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way of creating the meaning of the message. Creating meaning is not

done in isolation; all participants create meaning simultaneously and in

coordination. In other words, each participant is at the same time

influencing and being influenced by all the other participants in the

interaction. When participants do not share one same meaning, the

message loses clarity, coordination, and coherence sometimes even

deteriorating into arguments and disagreements. The three core

concepts in the coordinated management of meaning theory are (1)

coherence or the stories we tell, (2) coordination or the stories we live,

and (3) mysteryor stories unexpressed.

4. According to the coordinated management of meaning theory, wecreate our self-conceptthrough the stories we tell; these stories are

guides or scripts for our behavior. By telling and retelling a particular

story, we can shape self into whatever picture or self-image we want it

to be.

5. The Symbolic Interaction Theorystates that we live in a symbolic worldas well as in a physical world. Symbols like words, gestures, and social

rules help us understand (give meaning) and define our environment.

We share symbols through human interactions, therefore, interactions

give us meaning.6. The three main concepts in the symbolic interaction theory are: (1)

meaning or the purpose and significance that we attribute to other

people and things, (2) language or a set of shared meanings, and (3)

thought, which modifies our interpretation of the symbols. The concept

of meaning is central in understanding human behavior. Meaning is not

fixed; when we interact, we create and/or modify meaning. In other

words, right from the start, we get meaning when we share symbols

which each other, and this original meaning continues evolving as wecontinue interacting.

7. We act toward people and events based on symbolic meanings, that is,based on existing symbols already attached to those people or events.

Our internalized symbols filter our perception of the event and shape

our behavior.


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8. Children develop their self-concept through the process of interactingand communicating with significant others like parents and teachers. In

particular, the way significant others react to childrens behaviors and

how children perceive and interpret those reactions. The concepts of

teachers expectations and self-fulfilling prophesyare rooted in

principles of symbolic interactions.

9. The concept offaces, or the self-image that individuals want to presentto others, is central in several interpersonal communication theories,

among them, the Politeness Theory. The main assumption here is that

we are all concerned with maintaining face. The politeness theory

explains how an individual tries to promote, protect, or save face

especially when dealing with embarrassing or shameful events. The

concept of face has two dimensions, thepositive face, that is, our wish

to be liked, appreciated, and admired by those individuals important to

us, and the negative face, or our wish to act freely, without constrains or

limitations. Our positive and negative faces may be in conflict.

10.Using the notion offace needs, we can teach disruptive students how toreach a balance between getting others attention and approval

(positive face) while developing independence and self-sufficiency

(negative face).11.According to the politeness theory, speech acts like apologies,

compliments, criticism, commands, and threats are FTAs orface-

threatening acts. To help children preserve face, teachers can apply

specific strategies known asfacework, which can be eitherpreventive

facework(before the embarrassing event) or corrective facework(after

the embarrassing event). In addition, when a message threatens the

childs face, teachers can apply one of five suprastrategies, ranging from

most polite to least polite.


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Chapter Three

Interpersonal Communication in the Classroom:

Components and Skills

The central part in this discipline system is how we talk with children.

Talking with children involves both a receptive component, or listening, and an

expressive component or speaking. We elaborate on each specific component

next.

The Receptive Side of Communication: Listening

Why We Should Listen to Children

Open and honest communication starts with effective listening. In the

classroom, constructive behavior propagates from the teachers ability to listen.

We can get a lot of the classroom discipline done just by knowing how to listen to

childrens concerns, apprehensions, and feelings. By listening, we show respect,

communicating to the child, You are important to me. I respect you and I want to

hear what you have to say. Listening then, boosts childrensself-confidence and

self-esteem. Listening is not just about being polite with the child; good listening

is a supportive activity with an immense soothing and healing effect. Listening to

a child that feels upset or is in distress is the foundation forbuilding trustwith

that child. By spending time listening, we are perceived as working with the child

rather than against the child. The teacher who listens to children is trusted more

than the teacher that grabs the talking stick and goes straight into lecturing,

nagging, judging, and/or reprimanding. Only when they trust us, children will talk

with us, and only when we listen to children, we will earn that trust. As an added

benefit, when we listen first, children follow by listening to us when is our turn to


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talk. In child guidance, the teacher or counselor accomplishes more by

concentrating in listening with very little talking.

Listening TypesListening types are based upon (1) how attentive we are or depth and (2)

our intention for listening orpurpose. Based on depth, some common listening

types are:

Initial listening. Sometimes, we listen to the first few words or sentences,and then, we start thinking about what we want to say in return. Chances

are that, from the very beginning, we are going to interrupt the child. We

stopped listening the very first moment we started rehearsing our response

in our heads.

Casual listening. At this level, we seem to be listening, but in reality, we arenot paying that much attention to the message. At best, our attention is

fluctuating a lot.

Partial listening. To be fair, with our busy lives and schedules, partiallistening is what the majority of us do mostly. With partial listening, we are

paying attention most of the time, but not all of the time. We start listening

to the child with the best of our intentions, but then, for one reason or

another (e.g. a sound, people interrupting, something that the child said, or

even our own thoughts), we get distracted and lose the thread of what the

child is saying. When that happens to us, it is best to acknowledge the fact

that we were distracted, asking the child to repeat what she said.

Selective listening. Listening for specific information while ignoring the rest.In other words, we hear what we want to hear and pay little attention and

disregard the extraneous details. Active listening. Another name for active listening is attentive listening.

Here, we are listening carefully, showing interest in the message and

encouraging the student to keep talking.


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Full listening. In full listening, we pay close and careful attention to whatthe child is saying in a genuine attempt to understand the full content of

the communication. Full listening is a form of active listening that requires

that we pause both to check that our understanding is accurate and for

partial summaries. By the end of the conversation, we need to be able to

summarize the verbal exchange.

Deep listening. This type of listening goes way beyond the intensity of fulllistening. There is deeper meaning found in howthe child says things (i.e.

tone of voice, pitch, posture, and gestures), so, we listen between the

lines in order to understand the childs spoken and unspoken meanings

and motivators. In deep listening, we pay attention to the emotion

(expressed and unexpressed), watch body language, detect needs, identifythe childs goals, and identify preferences and beliefs. In other words, we

seek to understand the whole child behind the words. In therapeutic

settings, other names for this kind of listening are whole-person listening

and total listening. Sport coaches know this intense listening as level three

listening, that is, listening with all our senses: our eyes, our ears, our

intuition, and gut (For more information on depth of listening, see DeVito,

2009 and Duck and McMahon, 2012).

Based onpurpose, some common listening types cited by communication

experts (See for example, Duck and McMahon, 2012) are:

Discriminative listening. This is the most basic type of listening. Indiscriminative listening, we listen to identify the difference between phonic

sounds or physical sounds like a baby crying or a bell ringing.

Content listening. This is the equivalent of full listening; other names forthis type are informative listening and comprehension listening. Once we

discriminate sounds, we need to make sense of them. Individual soundscome together to form words, and individual words put together create

phrases and sentences. In comprehending the meaning of those words and

sentences the rules of grammar and syntax come into play. Basically,

content or comprehensive listening is listening to understand and to seek

meaning. In communication, some words, phrases, and sentences are more


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important than others are, so, we need good comprehension to be able to

separate key information from less important information.

Biased listening. Our labels and perceptions about the individual child biaswhat we hear. In biased listening, we process the information through

the filter of our own biases, preconceptions, and assumptions. Like

selective listening, we hear only what we want to hear, misinterpreting or

distorting the rest. Biased listening is evaluative and judgmental in nature.

Critical listening. Other names for this type are evaluative listening andjudgmental listening. As the names suggest, this is listening in order to

criticize, evaluate, and/or pass judgment on what the student is saying or in

what the student is doing (behavior). Evaluative listeners judge the

message and/or behavior against their own values, assessing message andbehavior as right/wrong, good/bad, or worthy/unworthy. In addition,

evaluative or judgmental listeners see themselves as truth seekers,

looking for the truth and nothing but the truth.

Appreciative listening. In this type of listening, we are seeking certaininformation that we like, and we listen for pleasure. For example, listening

to music or poetry. In the classroom, appreciative listeners are teachers

that actively look for ways to accept and appreciate children, searching for

opportunities to praise and compliment their students.

Sympathetic listening. In sympathetic listening, we are listening withconcern for the childs feelings and well-being. We care about what the

child is saying and show that it matters to us by expressing our sorrow (e.g.

Im sorry to hear that your hamster is missing) or happiness (e.g.Im

really glad that you found your hamster).

Empathetic listening. When we demonstrate empathy, we are seeking tounderstand what the child is feeling, but, contrary to sympathy,we do not

take ownership ofthe childs feelings (for example, feeling sad when the

child is sad and feeling happy when the child is happy). Empathetic listening

requires the ability to notice the emotional signals expressed in nonverbal

communication; for example, You seem annoyed and You sound sad.


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Therapeutic listening. Therapeutic listening is a form of empathetic listening(seeking to understand what the child is feeling and demonstrating our

empathy), but, at the therapeutic level, we use our deep connection with

the child to help him understand, develop, and/or change his behavior in

some way.

Reflective listening. Reflective listening is an example of therapeuticlistening, requiring both in-depth listening skills and in-depth speaking

skills. In reflective listening, we pay attention to the child, and then, we

reflect back what she just said, encouraging the child to build on her

thoughts and feelings. For example, Thats interesting; can you tell me

more about it? Alternatively,From what I hear, I get the impression that

you

Bad Listening Behaviors

In listening, certain behaviors negatively influence how well we listen to a

childs concern. Some bad listening habits that we can name are:

Listening only for facts (disregarding the childs feelings). Focusing on details only, missing the bigger picture. Hearing only superficial information, missing the real meaning. Asking too many questions about details. Letting the emotions (e.g. anger) and/or emotional words (e.g. cursing)

block the message.

Shutting down feelings, for example, Chill out. Stop feeling so angry! Force-fitting the childs message into our own mental mold (stuck in our

own heads). Criticizing the child. Giving our opinion too soon in the interaction. Judging what the child just said, for example, How could you do something

like that?


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Blaming the child and prejudging culpability. Evaluating the message and/or the behavior, for example, Well, if you

werent so angry

Correcting the child, for example, Thats not how it happened. The otherkids are saying that you were the one who started this fight. Rushing the child, making her feel that we do not have the time to listen to

her concern.

Listening Skills

To build trust and to create rapport with children, teachers need to

cultivate the habit ofgood listening, or listening skills. The first and mostimportant habit of good listening is topay attention to the child, not only with our

ears, but with our body and mind too. Our body language communicates to the

child that we are attentive, for example, face turned to the child, torso leaned

forward, eyes wide-open, and raised eyebrows. Body language experts say that

the trick to show an attentive body language is to do it firstfrom inside our heads.

When we care for the child and are truly interested in what he has to say, then

our body attitude will follow our mind attitude.

The second listening habit that we need to develop is to manage how we

react to what the child says. It is important that we are aware of our own internal

values, biases, and inferences. This does not mean that we need to inhibit our

values; it simply means that we are not going to let our personal belief system be

the defining force in the kinds of interactions that we are having with the child.

Regardless of what the student says, we do not put down the child by reacting in

an intense emotional way, for example, getting angry and making threats. (E.g.

Youre going to see what happens if you keep that up!) Our face-to-faceinteractions with challenging students improve greatly when westop reacting to

the childs words and behaviors; we are the ones that control the interaction with

gestures and body language that lead the child to calmness coupled with a

soothing voice that dissolves strong emotions.


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Other listening skills that teachers benefit to know are:

1. Sensitivity. We can define sensitivity as being responsive to the childsfeelings, being interested and open enough to find out, understand the

childs perspective, and respect the childs individuality (Adapted from

Nichols, 2009).Among the things that teachers can do to show sensitivity

are: paying attention, listening without agreeing or disagreeing, listening

without giving our opinion and/or criticizing the child, noticing how the

child appears to be feeling, acknowledging those feelings, and asking about

the feelings, but without pushing too hard.

2.Acceptance. Borrowed from Carl Rogers client-centered therapy, thelistening skill of acceptance closely resembles the skill of empathy. With

acceptance, we understand that it is the students experience, not theteachers experience. In other words, we are recognizing and respecting the

childs rights to his own perception of the event, to his own interpretation,

and to his own feelings. Our personal perspective and interpretation of the

event should not dictate the way we respond. Instead, we genuinely try to

grasp the childs perspective and experience, and then, we reflect our

understanding back to the child. Acceptance is not the same as agreement.

We are simply accepting what the child is saying; we are neither accepting

the problem itself, nor agreeing with it. We stay neutral, even when we

disapprove of the message or behavior. Simple ways to communicate

acceptance are nodding, touching the child on the shoulder, giving minimal

encouragers (e.g. aha, go ahead), and keeping a serene facial expression.

Keeping aligned with client-centered principles, we believe and accept that,

when they learn the right social skills, children develop competence in self-

managing behavior.

3.

Supporting. Good listening skills always involve helping students feel betterabout themselves.We support children emotionally when we validate their

ideas, concerns, and feelings. What the child worries about is real for the

child and is important to her. In supporting the child, the teacher would say

something like this, This seems difficult, but we are not going to give up

until we understand why you Alternatively, youcan say, Im on your


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side, lets work on this situation togetherand Lets see what we can do

together.

4. Non-Judgment. Being non-judgmental comes together with the listeningskill of acceptance. Non-judgment means suspending our own frame of

reference, that is, halting our own perception and interpretation of the

problem long enough so that we can truly hear the child. Without negative

criticism, we enter the childs perceptual world. Simply put, we handle the

controversial issue with so much care and sensitivity that the child feels

heard in a no accusatory way.

The Expressive Side of Communication: Speaking

When we listen to children, we open the door to communication; however,

to keep that door open, reaching childrens inner world (the world where

perceptions and feelings are), we need expressive skills or speaking skills.

Effective speaking skills facilitate the communication, but the wrong message said

at the wrong time will end that communication right away. To encourage children

share thoughts and feelings in an honest and genuine way, generalguidelines to

follow are:

Keep the conversation private. Maintain confidentiality. Be brief and keep your sentences short. Be concise, using fewer words than the child is. If you are the one doing

most of the talking, chances are that you are lecturing or reprimanding.

Be concrete, focusing on specifics rather than generalities. To help childrenfocus on specifics, ask for examples, e.g., Give me an example.

Respond only to what the child says about herself, not about other people.When the child names or blames another person, redirect the conversation

back to the child, asking something like, And how do you feel about that?


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Keep the conversation in the here and now. Do not talk about old issues orthe childs personal history. Talk only about what is pertinent in the

particular situation.

Give the child enough time to complete his thoughts. Give the child time to make his point, acknowledge it (e.g. Your point is

or What you are saying is), and only then you talk. Control the impulse

to focus the conversation on you and what you want to say. The focus of

the conversation is always on the child, never on the teacher.

If the child has weak expressive skills, it is okay to help him articulate hisideas. Providepositive encouragement(e.g. nod, smile, and/or say

something positive like, You can do this Go ahead); tell the child to talk

around the word(i.e. describing the word, telling the use or function,

and/or using easier words), or you can ask the child for examples. In

addition, you canparaphrase the message(put it in different words), or you

can say, Let me see if Im following. You are saying Am I right?

Do not give the solution to the child or children; it is students job to findthe solutions to their social problems, not teachers job. Teachers give

support, guide, mediate, and coach, but they do not solve problems for

children. Recognize when it is time to speak and when it is time to listen. Make yourself available at the critical points. Before saying anything, think of the effect that your words would have.

Consider if the message creates the effect that you want it to achieve.

Speaking Skills

Speaking skills are structured ways to respond to children. We assure

children that we understand their social-emotional needs, and we make children

feel confident that we are going to address those needs. This interpersonal

communication approach requires active listening skills (accepting both the child

and the childs arguments), so that we respond with sensitivity and empathy. In


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doing this, we are modeling to children the language and behavior that we want

them to use in return. Effective speaking skills encourage children to build on

their thoughts and feelings, and to explore deeper. Among the speaking skills that

we can use are:

1. Repeating. To show understanding, we simplyrepeat the childs position.From time to time, we repeat a key word or a short phrase, for example,

the child says, With my friends and the teacher repeats, Friends The

child continues, We were playing basketball and the teacher says,

Playing basketball If necessary, modify the language, for example, from

I didnt mean to kick Frankie to You didnt mean it This simple

strategy can be very encouraging: repeat, pause, and let the child fill-in the

gap and keep on talking. In addition, repeating what the child sayssometimes helps in clarifying meaning. On occasions, when we say

something aloud is when we first understand the meaning.

2. Elaborating. In elaboration, we invite and encourage children to tell usmore. Adding to what we said earlier, repeating a word, a phrase, or a

sentence cues children that we are interested in what they are saying and

we want to hear more. For example:

Kenneth: I was in the lunchroom minding my own businessMs. Duff:You were in the lunchroom minding your own businessKenneth: I was just playing with cards.Ms. Duff: Playing with cardsKenneth: Theresa was cursing too.Ms. Duff: Cursing

Another way of cueing the child is saying Interesting or How

interesting! Alternatively, we can simply tell or ask the child, for example,

Tell me more about or Can you please tell me more about that?

3.Acknowledging. When we acknowledge, we reflect back thefeeling(expressed or unexpressed) in the message, for example, You seem

angry, You sound discouraged,or This sounds difficult to talk about.


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Acknowledging feelings lets the child know that we listened, and that we

understood the message.

4. Paraphrasing. On this speaking skill, we hear thefeeling or attitude of whatthe child is saying (expressed or unexpressed), and we reword (paraphrase)

this feeling or attitude in a restatement. Simply put, in paraphrasing, we are

repeatingthe childs position in our own words, without anything added or

taken away. Good paraphrasing includes some of the words and phrases

that the child used, key ideas, and, if any, the repeated theme. This is what

the neuro-linguistic tradition calls capturing the essence of the message.

If we changed meaning or missed key information, our rewording will make

it obvious. It is important that, after paraphrasing, we ask the child to

confirm or correct our understanding of her feelings and thoughts.Paraphrasing helps children in clarifying their own feelings; some children

are unaware of how they feel until they hear a restatement of it. Some

sentence starters that we can use in paraphrasing are:

What you are saying is Am I right? Let me make sure that Im following what you are saying. You feel

that Is that what you mean?

You mean Did I get it right? You think You believe It seems to you As you see it Correct me if Im wrong, but From where I stand, you As I understand this, you (want or plan) to

The next speaking skills all require that we paraphrase the childs messagein one form or another, but for different purposes.

5. Checking Perceptions. Each time we listen to children, in addition to gettinginformation, we are forming impressions and perceptions about that


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information. It is important that we confirm the validity of our perceptions.

To check perceptions, some sentence starters that we can use are:

I get the impression that you think Is that how it is? Let me see if Im getting this right. You Im picking up that you kids want As I am sensing this, you I understand the problem is What I hear in all of this is What I hear you kids saying is This is what I understand you want This is my perception of this situation

6. Verifying. This is a way of checking perceptions focusing on childrensfeelings. Here, we verify if our assumptions about the childs feelings are

accurate. Examples of sentence starters are:

You sound worry about this test. Is that how you feel? Perhaps you are feeling guilty. Is that true? You seem offended speaking of _____. Is that correct? Tell me if Im wrong, but somehow I get the impression that you

were disappointed with Lisas reaction. Do you feel a little scared? My feeling is that you are agonizing with this decision. Am I right? You appear to be feeling that your friends betrayed you.

7. Clarifying. To clarify, we askquestionsthat help fill-in the blanks, getdetails, get more information, and explore all sides of the issue. These

facilitative questions, always start with who, when, where, what, or how;

excluding why. To clarify feelings, needs, or intentions, we can use guessing

phrasessuch as Were you wanting? or Were you trying to? Because

questions and guessing phrases are tentative language, we can get the

facts we need without blaming, labeling, or assigning culpability. To clarify,

we can use a sentence starter such as, Im stuck right now. It would help


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me if I knew more about what happened. Will you kids help me out?

Alternatively, we can paraphrase, using sentence starters such as:

Im not sure I am following. Did you mean that? Let me see if Im getting this right. What I hear you saying is Am I

right?

Documents

Watch Your Language! Ways of Talking and Interacting with Students that Crack the Behavior Code- Excerpt