Welcome to Meekie Monthly. If you have experienced ...docshare02.docshare.tips/files/24/240601.pdf · off. "Lauren was mouthing off about some unrelated rubbish as she often does

Welcome to Meekie Monthly. If you have

experienced problems opening this magazine,

please visit PC World and get yourself a better

computer.

Oh. And there’s a large picture of a woman in a

bikini on the front cover (in case you’re at work

and your boss is watching you)

Royston

MEEKIE MONTHLY Issue 7 August 2007

FREE

It’s as mad as a badger

Inside: People with large

heads, people with

small heads, people

with medium sized

heads, people with

famous heads,

people with not so

famous heads,

ginger heads and

much much more!

Pac-a-Macs Away! Bikinis On!

Yes– we don’t care if it’s pishing down– we’re going to have a summer anyway!

SAY ‘NO’ TO KAGOOLS

SAY ‘YE

S’ TO BIKIN

IS

SPECIAL SUMMER SPECIAL!

Editor’s welcome

For me, August reminds me of

being a child, growing up in Barry

Island, South Wales and in particular,

the Barry Carnival.

Years ago, in its halcyon days, the

Barry Carnival boasted over 100

‘floats’- articulated lorries dressed

from top to bottom with bunting, and

full of people in fancy dress around a

particular theme. These days, it’s just

a Variety Sunshine coach with a few

kids waving Union Jacks out of the

back window. Shame.

So in time honoured tradition this month, my family

are going to recreate a parade for ourselves in our

large country mansion. I’ve bought myself a

strapping Tarzan outfit and my surgically-enhanced

wife Brenda has bought herself some tassles to put

on the end of her enormous juggernauts. Meanwhile,

my darling 16 year old daughter has offered to give a

hand to help relieve the drivers and young Timmy

has set up a Coke stall for the local fete.

Isn’t it great to see the kids getting

involved?

Have a great August. Editor

Royston MEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLYMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2Page 2Page 2Page 2

meekiemonthly

Contact details: [email protected]

Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Sabrina Lerna www.sabrina-lerna.com

Cover photo courtesy of Onyx Photography

www.onyxphotgraphy.com

Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly

Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine.

To subscribe, email [email protected]

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Contents Issue 7 August 2007

In this month’s Meekie Monthly:

5. Interesting facts about Le Tour de France

6. Celebrity Showdown– Kids TV Stars fight it out

8. The BIG Interview– with a

real life celebrity!

9. Letters page

12. Cover band

13. The Lads’ Page– Learn

how to head spin!

14. Rugby World Cup Preview

15. Boys’ problems

16. We speak to more celebs!

20. A Flowchart Thing

22. Fok knows

22. Have a look yourself

26. Your horscopes

28. Sport

There’s no “I” in “Team” but

there are two in “Corporate

Bullshitting Arsehole”

Hussein, Newport

The “Oo– get me, I’m such

a Diva” Competition

As you know Meekie Monthly likes to ask

celebrities daft questions and in most

cases, they respond in good humour.

Occasionally though, we get replies that

really make our day. See if you can guess

which mega star’s PA sent us this little

gem:

***** would not be able to participate in an

interview unless; you could offer a fee for his time, offer him an excusive interview asking more than 1 question (therefore giving ***** an opportunity to talk about different things he is up to), publish the

address of his new website currently in development and provide him with

proof of print.

He certainly wouldn’t wish to answer just the one question you have posed I’m afraid. I’ve attached a

biog of ***** for your interest;

Thanks Regards,

Alan

Answer revealed

next month!

For our new readers….

(both of them) …..

What is a meekie?

MEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 Page 4 Page 4 Page 4

This is a real-life

photo of a meekie

Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the

whole world over– even in places like

Holland

Sigh! Do we really have to go through

this every month?

For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with

a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is

nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to

celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since

1988.

This is a drawing of

a meekie by a well-

renowned artist

By Staff Reporter Gordon Stribling Vicky Pollard, the rude, obnoxious schoolgirl created by recently-married gay comedian Matt Lucas and his comedy partner, the 'definitely not gay so stop asking' David Walliams, attacked Catherine Tate's almost identical creation Lauren Cooper yesterday during a Geography lesson. Lyndzi Shuttleworth, a teaching assistant who witnessed the incident described how a discussion about earthquakes sparked it off. "Lauren was mouthing off about some unrelated rubbish as she often does and you could see Vicky getting more and more agitated. She just wanted to learn about tectonic plates. Those two have had issues with each other since Lauren started hogging the limelight." Lauren responded to the teacher's request for quiet by shouting, quite loudly, "Am I bovvered?", which was enough to send Vicky over the edge. "She just flipped and leapt over the table over towards Lauren. The teacher tried to retain order but before he could the encounter had descended into a 2-way bout of aggressive catchphrase-tennis". Both participants were stuck in a loop of nonsensical teenage ramblings. "I don't think Nigel [the teacher] could do anything. He tried to break it up but he probably hadn't been taught how to deal with this kind of situation before." Walter Sensibly, a well-behaved classmate of the two girls tried reasoning with them but was quickly shouted down. "I tried telling them that they were both ‘hilarious’ fictional characters, but they didn't want to know."

It’s Pollard vs. Cooper It’s Pollard vs. Cooper It’s Pollard vs. Cooper It’s Pollard vs. Cooper

in Classroom Conflictin Classroom Conflictin Classroom Conflictin Classroom Conflict


101 things you nev

er knew

about Le Tour de F

rance

1. Le Tour De France was invented in Franc

e in 1962 by a young Belgian sheep

farmer called Simon.

2. The race involves lots of people on bikes

going around France on ‘a jolly’. Cyclists

take in the admirable scenery before stopp

ing at various public houses along the

way.

3. The so-called ’race’ attracts a lot of attenti

on every year due to its high

injury rate. Locals on the course place bets on

how many grazed knees there

will be within a designated kilometre. Last yea

r saw 1,354 grazed knees, 14 grazed elbows

and a fat lip when one rider ran into the back

of a cow.

4. This year’s race will be held in France, Eu

rope.

5. Bicycle technology has come a long way s

ince 1962. These days, most cycles are fitted

with ABS, air-

bags, GPS and GB stickers.

6. Past winners of this prestigious race have

gone on to get better jobs. Gregory Le Monde

, who won the

title in 1962 and again in 2006 for instance, h

as since gone on to star in the hit TV show “Ex

Le Tour de

France Winners Big Brother Show”. He came

second to Philippe Felop, who was a fake cyc

list.

7. Cyclists have to be very fit to enter the rac

e. It’s not unusual for some cyclists to do 10 s

it ups BEFORE

their Cornflakes and 10 more AFTER.

8. Traditionally, the cyclist who drinks the mo

st gets the famed yellow vest. This originates

from the French

word “yellowvest”, which mean ‘to drink a lot a

nd puke your guts up’.

9. There will be a first in this year’s race whe

n racers will be allowed to dress up in fancy dr

ess.

10. Cyclists can go quite fast on their bikes. S

ome bikes can go as fast as 15 mph, although

the world

record goes to Cedric Pleb, who reached the g

iddying speed of 128mph off the side of a ravi

ne in 1976.

Give me

some

drugs

maaaaan

V

Looks: Noddy’s im

pish good looks, his

rosy cheeks and

stylish attire make

him very popular wit

h the ladies 8/10

Comic Ta

lent: Noddy’s stand

-up routines were s

tuff of

legends. We forget w

hy though 10/10

Hair: Nod

dy’s crazy hairstyle

is kept under wraps

by his big

blue hat. Go on No

d– get it out! 9/10

Height: N

oddy was born at 4

’2 and has stayed th

at way

ever since. Useful fo

r hiding behind mush

rooms though.

Apparently 9/10

Total: 36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!

Looks: Some say that Bod’s no-fuss looks make him approachable. Some say that he’s fokkin ugly 9/10 Comic Talent: Bod’s comic talent comes straight from the hips– just check out that walk! 9/10 Hair: Bod’s minimalist approach to life goes straight to his head. No hair saves money on shampoo. Splendid 10/10 Height: Bod’s 2’6 frame gets larger and larger as he walks towards the camera and ends up 6’9 8/10

Total: 36/40


Celebrity Showdown

BOD NOD


Dear Auntie May

I'm worried that I have what looks like a fanny under my armpits. I've included a photo to show you what I mean. When I go down the club, I'm worried that I'll be giving away too strong a signal to the opposite sex. How do I tackle the problem of my armpit fanny? Tina Dear Tina, I've studied your picture intently with my tapestry magnifier. It's rather good, you can get one quite cheaply on ebay. I would invest if one if I were you, particularly if you get eyestrain after prolonged cross-stitching. I'm not sure why you think you have a problem really. The opposite sex are generally useless at picking up signals so the more obvi-ous you are, the better, in my book. However, if you feel they may be repulsed by this particular area of your anatomy, try sticking a 'night-time' sanitary towel under each arm. They now come with a ready made sticky patch on the back - perfect for fannyflange purposes. See you at the club, when I've finished my sampler. Love & haberdashery Auntie May

Tina’s armpit yesterday

Dear Auntie May I recently caught my husband in bed with our milkman. What annoys me most is that after ordering three pints of red tops, I now find that he's put his price up by a penny a pint. How can I appeal against this extortionate price rise? Debbie Glos Dear Debbie, Oh dear. What a messy situation - but one that I feel sure you can turn to your advantage with a bit of planning. The next time your husband and 'Ernie' have one of their assignations, simply sneak out to his abandoned float and help yourself to all the milk, eggs, orange juice etc. you want. If you feel really brave and are certain that they will be 'at it' for some time, try calling on his customers and collecting the milk bill. Hopefully you'll soon be able to make enough profit to set up a small 'beaver retreat' in Dunfermline, which I know has always been one of your ambitions. Love & dairy products, Auntie May

Dear

Auntie May...

until next month…..


What day is your bin day? Monday black bags, Wednesday recycle bins Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes If you get into a taxi alone, do you get into the front or the back? The back What did you have for tea last night? If you mean dinner I skipped it Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes Did you make love last night? Yes but I was alone if you know what I mean ha ha

Martin ‘Chariots’ Offiah MBE has been one of the most prolific try-scoring wingers ever to play rugby league. He has proved to be one of the greatest entertainers the sport has produced in its 106-year history, scoring over 500 tries in his

career, Britain’s Martin is now an established DJ and took time out to

answer the questions that everybody has been wanting to ask him.

Celebrity Interview Only Meekie Monthly asks the questions that really matter

In response to readers’ queries, yes these interviews are genuine.

Martin

Offiah

DFS Dupper

I would like to complain a

bout DFS,

the furniture store. Having spotted a

advertisement on the telly where

they said that they were holding

their sale, I rushed out the house

and down to my local store where I

spent £4,600 on a new leather sofa,

with matching reclining arm chairs

and a nest of tables. ‘Bargain’ I

thought.

A week later and I’m sat watch-

ing telly while I have my tea and

what comes on? Another DFS sale

advert! Another £4,600 that I have to

splash out! Why can’t they just leave

me in peace? I’ve already for 42

sofas and 108 armchairs! I don’t

need any more!

Tina Wetcleft

Darlingotn

Dear Meekie Monthly........

Your favourite letters page....cos we s

ay so

Loud Foreigners Why do foreigners feel the need to talk so loud? When I’m sat on the bus, I like to hear the rise and fall of the Dennis Dart SLF/ Transbus International Plaxton Super Pointer Easyrider’s engine, not some loud-arsed mumbo-jumbo . Dai, email


Whisky Wobbler I would like to complain bitterly about the so-called health benefits of a ‘tipple before bedtime’. I sunk a bottle of whisky last night, and as you can see, I wasn’t looking or feeling too good this morning. I suggest that people who make alcohol think twice before selling such drinks to irresponsible fools like me. Graham Looses-tool Birmingham

Boy Racer Fightback I wuz most upset last munf to reed abo u takin da piss abo boy rasers. u obvusly havent eva tryed rasing a voxall nova down da road b4 hav u? I sujests dat u gets urself beyind da weel of 1 ov dese monsta cars b4 slaging us off. anymore of dat stuff an ill get da boyz rownd to do u ova Kyle, email ps ive sent u a pic of my woman cos I fink shes hot. I gets to stay at her howse twice a week an she even let me tuch her poonami once


Back Issues

We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie

Monthly left in our cupboard. In fact, we’ve

been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we

only launched the

electronic version back

in March 2007. We

think you’ll find that

we’re getting bigger

and better every

month.

So if you’ve missed out on the earlier issues,

fear not– you can

order them, free of

charge, from us. We

think that in this day

and age, you deserve

something for free.

All you need to do is

email us at

[email protected], requesting which

issue you want. We’ve got them all from March

onwards. Think– they might be worth something

in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

(said very loudly) I like to read

Meekie Monthly to my family

before I feed them my pasta. I have

even invented a new pasta meal in

honour of Meekie Monthly called

Pasta A La Meekie Monthly

Mario, Pisa

Here’s your chance to win Hollywood actor David Hasselhoff. He comes complete with arms, legs and a head and will do just about anything you ask him to do. Just imagine– he can run you a bath, iron your underwear or even just chat to you while you clip your toenails. Bliss! All you need to do to win your life-size Hasselhoff is answer this question: What is David Hasselhoff’s first name? Email your entries, with “That David Competition” in the subject box to [email protected]

Competition

Time!

WIN DAVID HASSELHOFF!

Only Meekie Monthly brings you best in celebrity prizes

STOP PRESS: DUE TO DAVID’S FILM COMMITMENTS, DAVID IS NOW UNAVAILABLE AS A PRIZE. HOWEVER, WE CAN OFFER THE SUBSTITUTE PRIZE OF A LETTUCE TO OUR READERS.

Get noticed


Even in small business, image is everything Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk


Ginger

Person

of the

Month

Award

Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates beautiful ginger people by giving them

an award. Aren’t we nice?

Name: Liz Hometown: Cardiff Why I love being ginger: I've always liked the colour and it certainly attracts compliments! I quite like being automatically different, too.

MY LEONARD This month’s cover band are Barry rockers My Leonard. Back in the mid 1990’s, Barry town rocked to the big guitar sound of the Happy Kings. For a while, the ’Kings ruled the town, putting in some legendary performances in Camden and Cardiff. After some rock and roll dust-ups, the Happy Kings went their separate ways. And that was that. Fortunately though, the majority of the band have decided to dust down their guitar cases, plug in and make some more noise. Headed up by Jim on guitar and vocals, My Leonard have added new band members, including Zelda on vocals, and Alan on guitar. Banging on the bongos is Jon and on bass, Dylan, who was writing music at the tender age of 13. My Leonard are now in the studio laying down some new tracks for the autumn, but until then, Meekie Monthly is proud to give its readers one of their classic numbers– the Last Straw.

Catch up with the band at:

www.myspace.com/myleonardmusic

www.bebo.com/my-leonard

COVER BAND- YOURS FOR FREE

COURTESY OF MEEKIE MONTHLY


We interview a weatherman

MM: What’s it like being on telly

?

Weatherman: It’s ok

MM: Can you really predict the

weather?

Weatherman: Yeah

MM: Do you ever feel like tellin

g people

that it’s going to be fine

weather, knowing that

it’s going to rain, and

then look out of the

window and look and

laugh at everyone

getting wet while

you’re all cosy inside,

knowing all along that

it was going to rain?

Weatherman: No

Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs

The Lads’ Page

How to:

Head Spin In a new series, Meekie Monthly teaches you how to

impress the ladies down the local club. This month, we

show you how to spin on your head but please

remember that we take no responsibility for you

breaking your neck or injuring amazed bystanders

1. Stand on your head

2. Twirl round and round

quite fast.

3. Keep on going until

either your hair falls out

or some bird asks you to

take

her

home.

4. Take

the girl

home

and

make

love to

her

Be careful not to

catch bystanders

with your big daps

as you fly around.

They could sue you

and you could end

up on the front of

the local newspaper

crying like a baby

Rugby World Cup Preview

Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional

players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an

alarming 96% of referees said the same. This month, Meekie Monthly

introduces the ‘backs’, and what they should be doing in theory

The FlyThe FlyThe FlyThe Fly----Half (no 10)Half (no 10)Half (no 10)Half (no 10)

The fly-half is generally the person who gets abuse from the crowd for kicking the ball around too much. They also like to try and bluff their way past defenders. However this usually results in a horrific tackle and shouts of “Why didn’t you kick it?”

Full back (no 15)Full back (no 15)Full back (no 15)Full back (no 15)

Full-backs often look a lonely sight. It is their responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the opposing side score. Often put under a ‘high ball’, the full back is often gets ‘swivel eye syndrome’ where they keep one eye on the ball and the other on the opposing team closing in on them. Like to shout ‘Mark’ a lot

Scrum Half (no 9)Scrum Half (no 9)Scrum Half (no 9)Scrum Half (no 9)

The scrum half is the link between the pack and the backs. As such, he is the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first per-son to touch the ball is the second row in his team. He then takes it out of the scrum where he expects it to (unlikely)

Wings (no 11 Wings (no 11 Wings (no 11 Wings (no 11

& 14)& 14)& 14)& 14)

These speedsters are rarely used in a game and often get bored and come infield, leaving the forwards to cover their position. Can cover role of spectator or linesman

Hi. My name’s Kevin and I’m indestructible

Centres (no 12 & 13)Centres (no 12 & 13)Centres (no 12 & 13)Centres (no 12 & 13)

There are two centre positions– inside and outside centre. The inside centre’s job is to shout to the No 10, “If you’d have passed that then, I’d have been in” and the outside centre’s job is to shout the same thing to the inside centre. Inside centres like to play ‘crash ball’ where he runs heads first into an opponent. This can go one of two ways– a spectacular breakthrough or a visit to the local hospital.

Hi. My name’s Matt the Handbag and I enjoy being carried around the pitch


I Snapped My Banjo String Please help. Last night I went to make love to my woman but she was a bit dry and I pushed a bit too hard and Twang! – my banjo string snapped. It was a clear E minor and such was the shock, that I swear I saw George Formby at the window. I’m now in fear of trying again. What do I do? Reg, Teeside Reading these tales of woe as I do so regular, I have to be able to read between the lines and make some considered assumptions: In this case I must – for the good spirit of humanity – assume your pair-some have genuine biological issues, and that you’ve not in fact been trying to play ‘hide the sausage’ with a waxwork in the music section down at Madame Tussauds. Hoping (and praying), that my assumptions are correct, my advice therefore is simple: Issue her indoors with a firm but fair ultimatum – lube-up or get out. Otherwise sex will forever more sound like a few precious notes from some appalling hillbilly movie, with potentially eye-watering health consequences. You may also consider name-dropping valuable family assets during future ventures – nothing gets the ladies more moist than the prospect of a life spent filling walk-in wardrobes with expensive shoes.

I Wish My Breasts Were Smaller

When I was a little boy I always dreamt of having a pair of wangers to play with. Now, I’m 42 and wish I’d made another wish. I have size 36D man boobs and I can’t get rid of them. What do I do? Terry, Swansea Come on John – this is your fourth letter this month – we all know you’re carrying a considera-bly more voluptuous set of top-bollocks than 36D. Now Tony’s reign has ended, and your official life of leisure has begun, I suggest you join the ranks of your similarly bitch-tit endowed peers, and do as they do – embrace your saggy tits, buy a pair of grotesque na-tional flag beach shorts, and shamelessly board the next flight to Benidorm. Olé!

Boys’ Problems Yes, even boys sometimes have problems that they

can’t seem to fix all by themselves. So in a new

series, we answer the problems that you were too

embarrassed to talk to your mum about.

twang

If you have an embarrassing problem that you’d like the world to know about, email [email protected]

I have a phallus shaped like a pear, and I’m finding it very embarrassing when I pull and girls get to grips with my fruit-shaped friend. How can I sculpt it into another fruit shape – a banana maybe? Colin, Dundee

Firstly, fruit-cock, you should be thankful that girls get to grip with it at all; many of our readers may never get that far – I went to school with many such unfortunates. As for your gland, braying it with a tool such as a domestic meat tenderiser will probably yield a penal fruit smoothie, rather than leave you the proud owner of something resembling an 8-10”slightly bent tree-fruit. Faced with your dilemma, I would go with the ‘Trinny & Suzanna’ approach – i.e. deny to yourself your obvious gross physical failings, and try to make the best of a cruel nature’s job. It’s all about marketing, my boy – go find a naïve, preferably drunk young maiden (perhaps try your local JD Wetherspoon’s freehouse between 12pm and 11pm, any night of the week), and convince her gobbling-up your fruity member counts as one of her recommended “five a day”. Bon apetit!

Fruity Tutti

with Clinton Handshandi

Big Brother– are all the contestants nutters?

Lisa Jeynes

I think since my series when I was put in to stir it up that producers

realised they needed to put stronger characters in. (Hey I started that off!). Unfortunately, as the years have gone on the housemates are {well most of them} are quite unstable to start off with and trying to shock the viewer, also fame hungry. Most of them amount to nothing when

they come out.

The Debating

Chamber

What do you think Debs?

I think you should fok up and go

home

Every month we ask a cross section of the population to cast their thoughts on a topical topic. This month we’ve spoken to

several high profile people plus a tabloid columnist. Here’s what they had to say about this year’s Big Brother

The former housemate The rock star

Stuart Cable I don’t watch that shit mate….!!!!

The beauty queen

Eleanor Glynn (Miss England 2006/07) One answer– yes

Imogen Thomas Apart from one or two of them...they act like 5 year olds carrying teddy bears.!! They need to wake up to the fact its a

reality show and stop talking about deals they want when they get out.. You don't necessarily walk into a TV career from Big Brother

The former housemate

Are they nuts? Hmmm… Whilst I may not be the most knowledgeable on the subject – due to the fact I generally pass-out after watching the twincredibles for more than a couple of minutes – I would indeed support this theory: Where else would you find a six-foot man scared of animals, and a thirty-seven year old woman who collects carrier bags, I ask you?

The tabloid columnist

Clinton

Handshandi


Girls these days don’t get to sit down with their grannies and

taught what they should do. There are books on etiquette but it’s

all outdated like lifting up your little

finger when drinking from a cup.

Who drinks from a cup and saucer

any more? From my careful obser-

vation of more feminine females

than me, I have developed the ten

most important things to remember.

Do this and you can’t go wrong.

1. Learn to walk in knife-sharp high

heels without falling over.

2. Learn to get up gracefully when you

fall over.

3. Use heels to kill any man who

laughs at you for falling over.

4. Insist on drinking with a straw, even when drinking pints of beer.

Something to do with your lipstick, I think.

5. Develop the art of putting on makeup in the car without looking like

a clown.

6. Wait till the car stops before putting in earrings, unless you need

new piercings.

7. Cross your legs when wearing a skirt. Unless you’re Sharon Stone.

8. Always wear good pants. Unless you’re Sharon Stone, see above.

9. Find your perfect perfume- it should attract men like flies and suffo-

cate other women, thus ridding you of competition.

10. Pretend to be a lesbian. If you really are a lesbian, pretend you’re

not.

Next month: How to go shopping without any money

The Girls’ Page

Top Tips on How to be a

Grown Up Woman

By Josie Henley

Bras * Bikinis * Bros * Boobs

www.funkandfashion.co.uk Indulge in your passion for fashion!

We provide bespoke, designer style leather

handbags and purses at affordable prices. All of our products are handmade, to order from soft Italian calf leather, making them soft, plushand most of all durable. At special request, bags are

available in manmade leather.

All of our bags are handmade in the UK.

Currently ALL ranges of bags are on sale @ £49.99 each Save up to £20.00!

- Free p&p on orders over £150 - Current ranges include:

The Metallics Range (4 colours) The Betty Shopper (5 colours)

The Classic (12 colours) The Spy Range (4 colours)

Web: www.funkandfashion.co.uk Email: [email protected]


This month: the live earth message with Joss Stone. Alright my lovelies? Me again– Joss ‘Supersoul’ Stone ‘ere with tips ‘n’ tricks I’ve made up to save the world, just like I saved soul music with my supersoul voice. Well here they are my lovelies: 1 Don’t drive to the shops to buy my new CD 2 Don’t buy my new CD 3 or any of the old ones (they’re just as shit) 4 Don’t turn your computer on to buy my songs off itunes 5 Turn the TV off when I come on 6 and the radio It may not save the planet but it’ll be the end of my career and that’s something at least. On a more serious note what is a really good idea though is to have loads of concerts around the world spunking carbon from the massive amounts of generators they’ll need to power the shows. Genius.

the earth must

live by Meekie hack, James Harris

Editorial comment: some readers may be previously aware that the author James Harris isn’t a massive fan Ms Stone. We respect the fact that James has an opinion on the young singer.

Join Meekie in looking into how you can save the world with the help of some popstars.

woof

We’re all becoming aware of our carbon footprint, and we should all be working to reduce ours. Meekie Monthly tells you how to work yours out– and what to do to help the environment. 1. Add together the amount of units

you use for gas and electricity 2. Now add together the number of

people in your household 3. Add the two figures together 4. Multiply it by ten 5. Add on a number of your choice

between 1-1000 6. Multiply this by 49 7. Add on 754 8. Divide it by 6 9. Think of your favourite colour 10. Add on the amount of letters in the

word of your favourite colour 11. Voila! Your carbon footprint!

Calculate your

carbon footprint

HOW TO REDUCE

YOUR FOOTPRINT Meekie Monthly advises that you chop both your

feet off


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Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine

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You?

Are you a screaming homo? Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a normal

homosapien or bit of a neanderthal

Do you look like

Bigfoot Do you have big

feet?

You are not a

neanderthal

Is your name

Yeti?

Can you

say simple

words

Are you covered in

hair all over?

yes

no

yes

yes

no

Are they “Ug” and

“Grr”?

yes

Can you say

“Pass me the

mammoth sauce

please?”

no

Do you wear

animal skins out

down the club? yes

Is your name

Saskwatch?

no

Do you live in a

cave?

You are not a

neanderthal but

you’re quite close to

being one

You are a

neanderthal

START HERE

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20

yes

no

yes

yes

no

yes

no

no no

no yes

Can you growl?

Ug!

Welsh, Yummy and Talented

Here in Wales, the Land of Song, we are very proud of our musical heritage. To honour this, we’re

celebrating the young, talented and frankly yummy girls of the classical world who are taking Wales to

the world! Name: Amanda Whiting Specialism: Harp Hometown: Cardiff Career highlight so far: Recording with Danni Minogue and supporting Jamie Callum Ambition: To do a world tour in the pop world Do you love being Welsh? I love the scenery and the feeling of ’home’ Website: www.amandawhiting.com

Name: Cerys Jones Hometown: Cardiff- i grew up in Rhiwbeina (there's posh) Specialism: Violin Career highlight so far: I'm lucky to have quite a few things to choose from... but to narrow it down to three things: 1. Performing as a soloist in St. David's Hall in Cardiff, and then again at St. David's Hall on another brilliant occasion with Sinfonia Cymru and Bryn Terfel; 2. Travelling all over the world giving concerts, including an amazing stint in New York 3. Performing in the first episode of 'Lewis' on ITV - Inspector l Lewis comes to watch my concert in Oxford! Ambitions: Prime Minister... perhaps one day, but for now i would like to always be an interesting and innovative musician, as a performer and researcher, working on a high profile level to provide an inspiring role model. Do you love being welsh?: wrth gwrs! cwestiwn gwirion... especially as i live in London mostly these days I'm fiercely patriotic. i do find that most of my non-welsh friends (and enemies) tend to develop a deep respect and admiration of the welsh... or else! www.cerysjones.org

Name: Natasha Marsh Hometown: Born in Brecon but now live in Buckinghamshire Specialism: Opera singer Career highlight so far: Singing with Jose Carreras on his 60th birthday Ambitions: To bring classical music into hundreds of countries and make it accessible for people. Are you proud of being Welsh? It's the most beautiful country in the world and there is nothing like the sound of a Welsh Male voice Choir. It's incredibly stirring. I love it! Website: www.natashamarsh.com


1. You buy a flock of cows to sav

e you having to pay the milkm

an but unfortunately, your cow

s keep on

farting and producing a lot of

methane gas. Do you?

a) Invite friends and family round fo

r a night of Bovine Pyrotechnics

, where you take a blowtorch to e

ach cow’s arse

and on delivery of an ‘air biscuit

’, watch their faces glow with rap

ture and delight?

b) Sell the cows to your mate down

the pub?

c) Attach a Fart Catcher™ device,

and plumb to the gas turbine in y

our attic to produce electricity fo

r the local

d) village?

2. Your next do

or neighbour insists on taking

her 2 year old pip of a kid to t

he nursery down the road in h

er

4x4 Hummer. Realising the ha

rm that she is doing to the atm

osphere, do you?

a) Congratulate your neighbour on

owning the largest vehicle in the

street, and suggesting that she m

ay want to

improve the performance of

the car, and therefore getting he

r child to nursery in record time,

by fitting six turbos

and a NoS kit?

b) Move house

c) Sabotage the Hummer, by le

tting down its tyres and putting a

banana up the exhaust?

3. A local M

P decides that he wants to bu

ild a motorway right through

your house. Do you?

a) Take the £400 he’s offere

d you for the house, driving stra

ight to Liquorsave and hosting a

large orgy in a nearby

field?

b) Look concerned for a few

minutes before calling round the

local paper and pointing at the p

lace where the new

road would be build and looking

sad for the photographer?

c) Climb up in a tree, build y

ourself a tree-house and throw a

pples at the construction worker

s below?

How environmentally

conscious are you?

Do you care about the Earth or

do you just going around

doing what you want? Let

Meekie Monthly answer that

for you


4. You watch a news documentary abo

ut how China is ruining the world’s c

limate. Do you?

a) Book the first flight out of the country to v

isit this beautifu l country?

b) Look concerned for a while before callin

g out the local newspaper, pointing at th

e TV screen and looking worried for

the photographer?

c) Nip the the local Chinese take-away, ord

ering in a Number 47 and 59, before stu

ffing the polystyrene trays down the

plughole of your kitchen sink?

5.You decide to rai

se awareness of climate change. Do y

ou?

a) Arrange a series of international conc

erts, combining over 100 acts in 7 differe

nt continents to reach 2 billion people

and thereby solving the world’s clima

te problems?

b) Dress up as an iceberg and visit a old

people’s residential home?

c) You have second thoughts, strapping

your unused refrigerators to the roof of

your Nissan Sunny and dumping them

in a nearby stream?

6. You have a recyc

ling bin delivered to you by the local

council. Do you?

a) Recycle it into something more usefu

l….like an ashtray?

b) Use it as a substitute buggy for your

kids when you pop down to Kwik Save fo

r some deodorant aerosol?

c) Put the entire contents of your house

in it, before moving out of your house an

d living out of an old trolley that you

found in a nearby stream?

7. You decide to s

top global warming. Do you?

a) Hire a large industrial fan, switching it

on and pointing it skywards?

b) Have second thoughts– you could do

with topping up your tan?

c) Arrange a series of international conc

erts, combining over 100 acts in 7 differ

ent continents to reach 2 billion people

and thereby solving the world’s globa

l warming problems?

Mostly As– you’re

quite worried about climate change. B

ut put your feet up– the Earth will alw

ays be evolving–

you just need to get used to the idea

Mostly Bs– you really couldn’t give a

shat about it all.

Mostly Cs– you really don’t care abou

t the environment and you should. Th

e Earth does not hold infinite

resources– think of the next generati

on and the ones after them.

NEXT MONTH: HOW FAR CAN YOU THROW FRESH FRUIT?

THE MAGAZINE FOR MEN IN WALES www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk

ADVERTISEMENT


Greetings dearhearts! What a great honour it is for me to be talking to you – via the hallowed pages of the Meekie Monthly!!! I’m truly excited!!! You should be able to tell this purely from my persistent overuse of the exclamation mark!!! I s’pose I should introduce meself too…seeing as most of you won’t know who I am…My name’s Larry Sloane and I plan to bring you a new postcard from Welwyn Garden City every month…just so you know what’s happening in my life…I like to watch pornography, ‘The Fall Guy’ and golf! I like to make ART works too!!! I guess I’d describe myself as an artist/philanthropist/entrepreneur…I currently live at my mum’s due to conditions set out in my parole. You’ll have to excuse me if the tone changes a bit through this piece as I am doing it in between times my mother is asleep, goes to the toilet or nips up the shops – at the moment she is at Tesco’s head office trying out different varieties of finger-food, so I should have a couple of hours unmolested…Not that she ‘molests’ me in the biblical sense – she just gets on my fokking wick! With all her gabbing on about the fokking neighbour’s dog and the cat that keeps fokking laying turds on the lawn…on and on…just shut up! …Well, in case you dropped geography when you were 14 and just discovering the inherent joys-stroke-horrors of the opposite sex, Welwyn Garden City is on the death line from Kings Cross – about 20 miles as the crow flies - and has the honour of being the world’s second Garden City!!! Oh yes!!! All you read-ers residing in concrete-based new-town shit-holes have old Ebenezer Howard to thank for that!!! Oh Yes!!! Anyway, I saw yesterday that a young lad has narrowly escaped death after mucking about with power lines in a disused factory??? On the front page of the Welwyn Times it was…great big picture of the little rat boy ‘n’ all!!! The bastards!!! That’s probably where fokking Posh Spice started – front page expose of the local paper fuelling her incessant need to be ‘seen’…to be ‘famous’ for something…anything…even being the most famous skeletal, talentless bint to come from Cuffley!!! I don’t begrudge her any of it though…I’m happy!!! I am…I don’t need to be shafted by David Beckham to know that…As long as Tim Henman remains in the draw at Wimbledon every year my humour remains undiminished!!!! ...come on then…? Let’s hear you…? Come on Tiger Tim!!!!! …that’s right…you know you want to… Lx


Larry Sloane’s Postcard




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ARIES

Mar 21 - Apr 20

The moon, rising up into Uranus is causin

g you terrible indigestion this month. Luck

ily, Neptune, the planet

of digestive relief is having a positive effec

t on your health. Still. That doesn’t mean y

ou can go eating any

old rubbish. Lay off those pickled eggs if yo

u can. You’re not making many friends an

d you keep disappear-

ing in a green kind of haze.

TAURUS

Apr 21 - May 21

You decide to open your own pub this mon

th and after splashing out £450,000 on a fr

anchise and refurbish-

ment, your grand opening night falls rather

flat when just two people turn up- and onl

y as their car had broken

down and needed to use the phone. Unluc

ky celebrity act to book this month–Berna

rd Matthews.

GEMINI

May 22 - Jun 22

Gemini, by your very nature, you are a flir

tatious person. You just can’t stop eyeing

up the opposite sex, try-

ing to see if you’re in with a chance. But th

is can get you into all sorts of trouble this

month, especially when

you try it on with your best friend’s boss. Y

ou see, they’re already having it off with th

em and that last thing

you need is a menagerie a trios. Lucky da

y to wear rubber-soled shoes- the day you

decide to mow the lawn

in the rain.

CANCER

June 23 - July 23

Mars, the planet of cut-price confectionary

makes an appearance in your chart this m

onth and causes chaos

with your diet. A new shop opens up down

the road and its launch day consists of pa

ying a fiver and eating

as much cut-price confectionary as you ca

n. You leave hospital a few days later. Lu

cky ward– B2.

LEO

July 24 - Aug 23

Oh Leo. If only there were enough superla

tives in the English dictionary to describe

you.

VIRGO

Aug 24 - Sep 23

Virgo, you really do need to get a grip on

that body odour situation. It seems that yo

ur inability to wash is los-

ing you a lot of friends. Even the dog sits d

own the other end of the settee these day

s. Get yourself down to

Superdrug and stock up on some smellies

– it might just be the best thing you’ve don

e all year.

Horoscopes with Enog


LIBRA

Sept 24 - Oct 23

Pluto, the planet of heavy

workloads, brings its del

ightful presence to your

chart this month. And you

thought you had it

tough working 80 hours a

week. Yes, unfortunately

, things are about to get e

ven tougher. However, N

eptune, the planet

of light relief, moves into

your chart at the end of A

ugust, and with it, a day o

ff. Lucky day to play Rich

ard and Judy’s

Phone In Scam– Tuesda

y.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 - Nov 22

Sexy Scorpio. So sexy, th

at even the Church Warde

n wants to have an affair

with you. Be careful who

you

share your juices with this

month Scorpio– that loo

ker you pick up from the

church fete has got a ‘wa

rt problem’

downstairs and you could

be implicated in a church

scandal.

SAGITTARI

US

Nov 23 - Dec 21

Nothing much to shout ab

out this month Sagittariu

s. In fact, if I were you, I'd

write off July and get star

ted on

August a month early.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 - Jan 20

Capricorns can expect a

varied month in June. The

re'll be some good days a

nd some bad days. There

'll be some days in be-

tween and some days th

at are more days that are

better than the bad days

and some days that will

be badder than the

better days. I know I said

this last month, but that’

s what the chart says.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 - Feb 19

That goes for you too.

PISCES

Feb 20 - Mar 20

Pisces can expect a lot o

f love this month with the

arrival of Venus in your c

hart. It means that you wi

ll have to start

washing again and also b

rushing your teeth would

n’t be a bad thing either.

Be careful not to hurt anyo

ne’s feelings though–

mouthwash should do th

e trick


Horoscopes with Enog

Next month: next month’s horos

copes

Due to the international ban on football, we are

unable to bring you any sport at all. We are very

sorry for the inconvenience caused and would

like to recommend reading Reader’s Friend as an

alternative source of excitement

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