What about the kids?How to put them first during your divorce.

Ready. When you are.

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What about the kids?You have to face facts. Breaking up is hard on your children. You have made the decision not to be together and, no matter how badly your ex (or you) have behaved, your kids are going to miss one of you.

This guide is meant to get you thinking about what will and won’t work – and how to get it right by your children.

Ursula Rice, Managing Director and Family Solicitor

3 | What about the kids? | Family First Solicitors | www.familyfirstsolicitors.co.uk

Divorce and kids: the basics.In a divorce you don’t have to complete much more than the names and dates of birth for your children. Gone are the days when you had to complete a ‘statement of arrangements for children’. The court is only going to get involved if you can’t agree between you what is the best thing to do.

If you can come to an agreement between you, then great. Something that might help you is to sit down together and complete a ‘parenting plan’.

Here is a link to a good one: www.splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk/home

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Not on talking terms?If sitting down together can’t be done without argy-bargy, then try mediation. This is where a trained mediator referees the discussion between you and your ex and helps you make decisions. They are not legal advisors, but do have training in keeping people focused and thinking about the best thing for their kids.

This link to the national family mediation council will help you find a mediator: www.nfm.org.uk

Some can offer legal aid and some are paid for privately. If you are financially eligible, then you CAN get legal aid for this.

5 | What about the kids? | Family First Solicitors | www.familyfirstsolicitors.co.uk

How divorce affects kids.Over the years, we have listened to hundreds of clients, judges, social workers and Cafcass officers talk about what works for children. No matter how you think you’re kids are not affected, or that you are managing to shield them from the divorce, they are likely to experience some of the following:

Visit the Cafcass website: www.cafcass.gov.uk

They will be sad about the break up. They also tend to blame themselves. You might say, “Dad didn’t wash your school uniform (huff huff)”. What they they hear is, “you should have got Dad to wash your school uniform, you idiot”.

Constant arguing between you is always picked up by them. Most of it by body language.

You thought you were having a robust discussion; they heard shouting. It may not be the volume, more the tone. Kids find it frightening.

Kids who are frightened or worried eventually develop anxiety, just like adults. Anxiety is a constant low level fear which will produce symptoms like “I feel sick”.

Anxious children are more likely to get depression, self-harm, exhibit eating disorders and get into substance abuse.

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6 | What about the kids? | Family First Solicitors | www.familyfirstsolicitors.co.uk

What can you do to help your children?You should:

Communicate with your ex, with a referee if necessary.

Accept that they may parent differently, but as long as your children are safe it doesn’t matter.

Seek help if your ex makes you feel anxious – use a coach, or a psychotherapist, or see your doctor.

Think before you press “send”.

Complete a parenting plan.

You shouldn’t:Put up with emotional or physical abuse.

Be writing three-page emails – it’s a sure sign that it’s all about you, not about the kids.

Use money as a bargaining chip.

Put the primary carer down.

Put your needs first.

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Kids do not enjoy long car journeys any more than you do. If you choose to live 100 miles away from your ex then you’ll have to accept that you should not make them do every other weekend contact.

Their lives are important in all this: they want to see their friends, they want to continue their activities.

They don’t want to listen to you moaning about the other parent, or money.

They trust you, but often tell you what you want to hear, even if they are quite small.

They are powerless. If you don’t get it right, then no judge, social worker, teacher or lawyer can fix it for you. It’s in your hands.

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Having trouble doing what’s best?It’s not always easy to come to the best solution for your kids – especially if you and your ex don’t see eye to eye. It is possible that you may end up in court. If that happens, you probably need to come and see us.

Family First Oxford: 01865 311 112

Family First Reading: 01183 211 112

Ready. When you are.www.familyfirstsolicitors.co.uk

It’s only £60 for the first interview and it takes as long as it takes.