what is Love

Love

What is love?How do you define it?

Love Unconditional positive

regardHowever according to

Levine (2007) adult relationships are highly

conditional – we are constantly being evaluated

by our partners.

Falling in love - a grave mental disease

Plato

Falling in love is a time when the normal become

psychoticFreud

Cupid’s arrow

Chemistry of falling in

love What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’?‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)] Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicalsLove ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived.Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.

Words to describe falling in love

Your words? Earth shattering Trance Beguiling Amazed Exhilarated Sudden and intense Trepidation Struck by Cupid’s arrow

Romantic love and marriage around the world

Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love).

Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures.

The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for selecting a partner

The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.

Romantic love is …

Knee identifies five components of romantic love:

(1) the belief that love conquers all;(2) the belief that each person has only

one true love;(3) the expectation that the beloved will

live up to the ideals of the lover;(4) love at first sight is possible; and(5) it is better to follow your heart than

your head when choosing a partner. Knee (1998)

Intimacy, passion & commitment

Stenberg’s model of love consists of 1. intimacy2. passion 3. commitment.

Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix.

These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3).

Sternberg (1988)

Falling in love - why and with whom???

If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner?

PROXIMITYSIMILARITYRECIPROCITY – when we receive

actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988)

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS

Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationship

An understanding you are not always right.

A willingness to live mainly in the present.

Promotion of the other’s well being and also your own.

Active cooperation with each other. A willingness to accept that one’s

partner is not perfect.Coates (1999)

To keep your marriage brimming,With love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong,admit it,Whenever you're right,shut up.

Ogden Nash, 1962

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love

9 nouns of love- all stages may be experienced throughout adult life

- range of possibilities of meaning

Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.


1. Love is an idealised ambition- to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of life- sexual pleasure and fidelity- a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehood- assist us to mature and cope with life’s demands



2. Love is an arrangement – a deal- what will the person bring to my life?- carefully consider potential partner’s assets- exchanges of hopes, expectations and deals- young people in their first relationships usually don’t think in these terms



3. Love is an attachment- after the deal comes the attachment- weaving together- sex facilitates this attachment



4. Love is a moral commitment- eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremony- raises the bar of expectations- people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorce



5. Love is a management process- love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner’s mind- both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private)- we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don’t struggle to love them- HIS relationship/ HER relationship



6. Love is a force of nature- biology – eg. reproduction- how individuals behave- throughout the ever changing relationship



7. Love is a transient emotional state- a number of feelings- pleasure, interest and sexual arousal



8. Love is an illusion- we want to believe in the illusion - internal processes to maintain the relationship- society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows what love is



9. Love as a stop sign- why? - linked to illusion – a defence against self discovery- to end the enquiry – “I love him/her”



Verbs of love

- falling - being

- staying


Staying in love

- a study in adult maturation- working through many challenges- putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of partner - requires competence in the relationship


Staying in love – predictors

(Gottman)- ability to repair their relationship – de-

escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite problems

- women’s soft presentation of problem and men’s willingness to stay involved in the conversation

- men’s ability to accept influence from their partner

- Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE family Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process. Annual Review of Psychology, 49., 169-197.

Staying in love – 3 more

competencies1. Genuineness – sharing our inner

world with the other (Fromm)2. Overcoming narcissism – putting

the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own needs

3. Negotiation and share decision making


Assisting people to stay in love -

speaking1. The capacity to know what one

thinks and feels2. The willingness to explain it to

another3. The skill to express the feelings

and the ideas with words


Assisting people to stay in love -

listening1. An uncritical acceptance of what

is said2. An awareness of the importance

of the moment for the speaker3. A grasp of what is being said4. A sense of privilege that he/she is

present to hear what the speaker has to say


Fair communication

1. No name calling2. No threatening to leave, divorce

or other withdrawal strategy3. No needless assaults on the other

person’s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each know so well)


“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call

you could make, who would you call and what

would you say? …

And why are you waiting?”

Stephen Levine

Dido – Thank you (No Angel 2000)My tea’s gone cold,

I’m wondering why I got out of bed at allThe morning rain clouds up my window

And I can’t see at all.And even if I could it’d all be grey

But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it’s not so bad

It’s not so bad.I drank too much last night,

Got bills to pay,My head just feels in pain

I missed the bus And there’ll be hell today.

I’m late for work againAnd even if I’m there

They’ll imply that I might not last the day.

And then you call me and it’s not so bad It’s not that bad and …

I want to thank you For giving me the best day of my life.

Oh just to be with you Is having the best day of my life.

Push the door, I’m home at lastAnd I’m soaking through and through

Then you handed me a towelAnd all I see is you.

And even if my house falls down now,I wouldn’t have a clue

Because you’re near me and …I just want to thank you….

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what is Love