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When Students Grieve:

How Schools Can Help

Grief Speaks

Participant Guide

Lisa Athan, MA Grief Recovery Specialist, Grief Educator

Executive Director of Grief Speaks www.griefspeaks.com

(973) 985-4503 lisa@griefspeaks.com

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” – Fred Rogers “Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero to me.” – Fred Rogers

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Childhood Loss

All hurt, and pain can be traced to loss, whether it is tangible or intangible. From the loss of a child’s first tooth to the death of a parent, we grieve for what we miss and want back. It can be a mom, a family unit, a pet, a friendship, a school, a toy, trust, a sense of safety, one’s identity, reputation, respect. Childhood losses can fall into one of the following categories: 1. Relationships 2. External Objects 3. The Environment 4. Self 5. Skills/Abilities 6. Habits 7. Loss of Future/ Protection of Adults

A short list of many losses that children, teens and adults may experience: Divorce or separation of parents,

Death of a loved one or not so loved one

Parent, sibling or student diagnosed with cancer or other disease or illness

Adoption issues

Break up with a boyfriend, girlfriend (unknown to others: disenfranchised grief)

Deployment of family member or friend

Drug or alcohol use, abuse, or addiction in the student or family

Loss of friendships

Lose of ability due to sports injuries, inability to perform a skill

Harassment, bullying, intimidation (the one being bullied, or the one being bullied, or bystanders)

Sexual harassment, abuse or sexual assault

Classmate death

Friends move away or change schools

Teacher or other that a student is connected to leaves suddenly mid-year or doesn’t return

Guidance counselor, teacher or other staff member retires, leaves, becomes ill or dies

Drops out of high school, college

DUI (loss of freedom, loss of license, in rehab, or placed in locked down psychiatric unit)

Grandparent has dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease

Sibling leaves home (college, marries, moves out, kicked out)

Moving (loss of familiar, routine, neighborhood, friends, home)

Parent loses job, loss of financial stability, feels ashamed, may have to move

Learning difficulties/ disabilities

Diagnosed with LD, ADHD, ADD, ODD, Bi-polar, Dyslexia, Depression, Autism, etc.

Sexual Orientation/Gender Expression issues related to fears of rejection

Loss of culture, rituals, customs, language or family through immigration

Loss of family members or living in fear of deportation

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The Needs of Bereaved Children: from the work of William Worden

Adequate information

Fears and anxieties addressed

Reassurance that they are not to blame

Careful listening and watching

Validation for their feelings

Help with overwhelming feelings

Involvement and inclusion

Continued routine activities

Modeled grief behaviors

Opportunities to remember

The Tasks of Mourning: J William Worden To accept the reality of the loss

To process the grief and pain

To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing

To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life

8 Key Findings of the Harvard Bereavement Study

1. 80% of the children were coping well by the 1st and 2nd anniversary 2. The most powerful indicator of a child’s adjustment to the death of a parent is the

functioning level of the surviving parent/caretaker 3. The loss of a mother was worse for most children than the loss of a father 4. Attachment is important, and many children remain “connected” to the dead parent long

after the death 5. Parental dating is a mixed blessing for the children 6. Most children were given the choice to participate in the funeral and opted to go 7. There are long term effects from the loss of a parent 8. Prediction of at-risk children is possible

Risk Factors:

According to William Worden of Harvard these are some factors that render a bereaved child vulnerable to increased difficulties:

Sudden deaths, suicides, homicides

Death of a mother for girls before, or in early adolescence

Death of a father for pre-teen and adolescent boys

Stigma associated with, or media focus on, suicide or homicide

Conflictual relationship with deceased person prior to death

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Lack of reality, unable to spend time with deceased person after death

Inadequate preparation for funeral

Pre-existing psychological difficulties

Psychologically vulnerable parent, i.e. dependent on child, drugs/alcohol

Lack of family and community support

Unstable environment (disruptions of routine, inappropriate discipline)

Poor family coping (lack of open communication, poor problem solving)

Immediate dating by surviving parent

Remarriage of surviving parent if child’s relationship with stepparent is negative

Dos and Don’ts with Grieving Students:

DO listen. Grieving students need a safe, trusted adult who will listen to them

DO follow routines. Routines provide a sense of safety which is very comforting to the grieving student.

DO set limits. Just because students are grieving, doesn’t mean that the rules do not apply. When grieving, students may

experience lapses in concentration or exhibit risk taking behavior. Setting clear limits provides a more secure and safer

environment for everyone under these circumstances.

DO NOT suggest that the student has grieved long enough.

DO NOT indicate that the student should get over it and move on.

DO NOT act as if nothing has happened.

DO NOT say things like:

- “It could be worse. You still have one brother.”

- “I know how you feel.”

- “You’ll be stronger because of this.”

DO NOT expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis.

COMMON GRIEF RESPONSES:

Children’s grief differs from adult grief in significant ways, leading adults to view the children as “fine” or “over it”. At school they tend to grieve on the inside for fear of being teased or bullied if they show their feelings outwardly. They may act out or somaticize their grief rather than articulate their thoughts and feelings. Children may be confused about the cause of death because an explanation was never given, or the death was explained in euphemistic language that may have made it hard to understand the true nature of the death. Young often lack the life experience to understand death related concepts and take longer before experiencing the full range of emotions that will arise once they can understand that death is permanent and irreversible.

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Children use distraction to cope and may go through the school day without thinking about the death or the person who died. They may prefer being at school, welcoming the break from the intensity of emotion at home. Respect their need for privacy but make sure they know who they can go to if they need support. Some children and teens dislike being pulled out of class to speak to a counselor and prefer to visit as needed. Children may experience flashbacks or intrusive images during the school day which interfere with their ability to focus and concentrate on schoolwork. Intense waves of emotion or “grief bursts” may come unexpectedly and during inconvenient times like during tests. They may be too tired to concentrate because their sleep might be interrupted, or they carry a heavier load of responsibilities at home. Children are protective of their bereaved grown-ups and exhibit caregiving behaviors towards them. They may hide their grief for fear of overwhelming visibly fragile adult family members and siblings. Most children do not feel comfortable talking about the death with non-bereaved peers because others “just don’t understand” or because they are afraid, they will cry if they talk about it with friends. Bereaved children and teens often struggle to fit in and search for peers with whom they can identify. Being different can be acutely painful especially for adolescents. Their grief is another way they are different from peers, so they may isolate or may even be shunned because they are “not as fun” as non-bereaved children. Since grief typically does surface 7-10 months after the death and peaks until 2 years have passed, they often find themselves without any support when others consider them to be ‘over it’ and support is withdrawn. (J. William Worden, Harvard Child Bereavement Study) This suggests the need for both early intervention and on-going support by school counselors for at least two years.

Helping Children and Teens Cope with Trauma

Listen and Give Support: Explain what happened and answer their questions honestly and truthfully. Listen to their words and pay attention to their feelings. Watch body language. Encourage teens to express feelings and reactions so you can help them deal with all that is going on inside of them in a safe place. Be patient and supportive and assure them that their reactions are understandable, common and normal. Don’t rush their process. Don’t be judgmental and punitive. Remember that after a trauma a person feels scared and vulnerable and needs to feel safe. Be Understanding and Accepting:

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Concentration and memory are often impaired after trauma and teens may need help getting work done. Know teens may revert to some earlier childish behaviors for a time. Understand that often teens want to be with their friends as opposed to their family now. Remember that everyone recovers differently from loss and trauma and that teens may seem fine at first and need help later. Encourage and Be Involved: Help teens get back to a routine as soon as possible, even if they can’t do all they used to do. Some teens will share more when they are engaged in an activity like walking, driving, sports, and games. Suggest that they may find other ways to express their feelings and reactions besides talking such as journal writing, art, music, drama, dance or other expressive media. Encourage them to get involved with healthy activities with other teens, especially activities they enjoyed before the trauma. Be Aware and Concerned: Watch for changes in their behavior. This may call for deeper discussions or professional intervention if it continues for months after the trauma. Watch for signs of substance abuse; help them find other ways of coping. Teens often withdraw from everyone when they are dealing with difficult reactions. Support them, but monitor their television watching, computer time and listening to music. Take Care of Yourself: If you feel comfortable share your own reactions appropriately. Take care of yourself so you can continue to help teens and be a healthy role model. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about trauma or death, refer them to someone else.

What Grief May Look Like in Children and Teens

Typical Physical Behaviors: Sleeplessness Loss of appetite Poor grades Crying Nightmares Dreams of the deceased Sighing Listlessness Absent mindedness Clingy Over-activeness Social withdrawal Verbal attacks Fighting Extreme quiet Bed-wetting

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Excessive touching or hugging Typical Emotional Behaviors: Oceans of tears Crying at unexpected times Not crying at all Over-reacting Under-reacting Inability to focus or concentrate Noncompliance with adults Needing to be around an adult all the time Not wanting to leave home or even their room Seeing someone and believing it is the person who died Lowered self esteem Irritability Clowning around a lot Laughing at inappropriate times Denial Numbness Seemingly apathetic Typical Verbal Behaviors: Talking about the deceased or loss a lot Not talking about the loss at all Not asking questions Asking numerous questions Wanting to hear the story of the loss again and again Not wanting to hear anything about the loss Wishing to be with the deceased Engaging attention a lot Saying clownish and silly things Voicing fears about many things Voicing worries about safety, others getting ill and dying, nightmares Voicing feelings of guilt and feelings of regret, remorse Saying shocking things or joking about the loss for attention and diversion

Grief is like an earthquake. The first one hits you and the world falls apart. Even after you put the world together again there are aftershocks, and you never really know when those will come. Grief changes day to day, month to month, and year to year. It feels different to each person who experiences it. There is no right way to grieve. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Grief may look different depending on how new or recent the loss.

Common Feelings After a Loss:

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Anger, fear, loneliness, anxiety, mood swings, shock, disbelief, relief, sadness, helplessness, numbness, regret, rage, intense feelings of yearning, confusion, overwhelm,

Common Thought Patterns: Inability to concentrate, preoccupation with loss, Difficulty making decisions (even minor ones), confusion, denial, disbelief, and shock Self –destructive thoughts, Low self-image

Common feelings, thoughts and behaviors of the grieving child or teen: Child dreams of the deceased

Child speaks of the deceased in the present tense

Child retells events of the deceased’s death and funeral

Child idolizes or imitates behaviors of the deceased

Child rejects old friends and seeks new friends who have experienced a similar loss

Child can’t concentrate on schoolwork or home work (school work buddy/ teach child to break down assignments into small pieces, taking breaks often, lesson work for child if desired, some children resent that)

Child bursts into tears in the middle of class (allow child a pass to go to nurse/counselor or other safe adult in the school to regroup if desired) Have a special sign.

Child wants to call home during the school day. (This helps children and teens to touch base with the surviving parent or guardian to make sure they are okay. Many schools allow this calling at lunchtime and find it helps a lot).

Child often seeks medical appointments, visits the school nurse. Often complains of similar ailments that the ill or deceased parent had.

Child seeks medical information on death of deceased. The more facts and information, the less anxiety and questions. Often there are still many unanswered questions, especially with a suicide or homicide.

Child feels the deceased is with him/her in some way.

Worrisome behaviors that may indicate a need for extra support:

Dangerous risk taking (climbing too high, driving too fast, not being afraid)

Threatening to hurt self or others

Self-destructive behaviors: drug use, alcohol use, abuse, promiscuity, self-injurious behaviors (cutting, burning, or hitting self); violent play

Total withdrawal from people and environment

A dramatic change in personality or functioning over a long period of time

Any or the “normal” behaviors happening over a very long time or to an extreme

Possible Warning Signs of Suicide:

Observable signs of serious depression:

Unrelenting low mood

Pessimism, talking about wanting to die or kill oneself

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Hopelessness and feeling that one has no purpose

Desperation, acting agitated, anxious or reckless

Anxiety, psychic pain and inner tension

Withdrawal

Sleep problems, insomnia or sleeping too much

Increased alcohol and/or other drug use

Recent impulsiveness and taking unnecessary risks

Threatening suicide or expressing a strong wish to die

Giving away prized possessions

Sudden or impulsive purchase of a firearm, interest in finding ways to die online

Obtaining other means of killing oneself such as poisons or medications

Unexpected rage or anger

The emotional crises that usually precede suicide can often be recognizable and treatable.

Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed. Serious

depression can be manifested in obvious sadness, but often it is rather expressed as a loss of

pleasure or withdrawal from activities that had been enjoyable. One can help prevent suicide

through early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses and learning

the warning signs of suicide. (www.afsp.org, www.save.org)

Do: Ask if they ever think about suicide

Ask if they have a plan to hurt or kill themselves

If so, ask when and how.

Ask if they are seeing a mental health professional or doctor regularly.

Let them talk and LISTEN without judgment

Reassure them that help is available

Tell them what they are experiencing is treatable and that suicidal feelings are temporary

Don’t try to minimize their problems or shame them into changing their mind

Don’t try to convince a person who is suicidal that “it isn’t that bad”

Don’t preach about suicide being right or wrong

CRISIS TEXT LINE: Text “HOME” to 741741 24/7 texting service for those in crisis

Encourage students to use the safety tool on social media if someone posts suicidal content

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (24/7 for anyone in crisis or concerned about

someone else in crisis)

Myths about Children, Adolescents and Grief:

Children do not grieve, or only grieve when they reach a certain age.

The death of a loved one is the only major loss that children and adolescents experience.

It is better to shield children from loss, as they are too young to experience tragedy.

Children should not attend funerals. Children should always attend funerals.

Children get over loss quickly.

Children are permanently scarred by early, significant loss.

Talking with children and adolescents is the most effective approach in dealing with loss.

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Helping children and adolescents deal with loss is the responsibility of the family alone.

Grief and mourning are the same.

Grief has orderly stages.

An active, playing child is not a grieving child.

Helpful things to say and things to avoid saying to a griever:

Things that are best to avoid saying to a griever: (avoid cliches and euphemisms) Time heals all wounds (this is a myth)

Try to find the good in this. (Maybe some day, but not now)

God took your mom because she was so good to be an angel. (Don’t be good)

You are the man/woman of the house now. (But they are not)

Don’t cry. Your mom wouldn’t want you to be sad. (Tears are part of healing)

I know how you feel (but you probably really don’t, instead listen to how I feel)

Everything will be okay (maybe). We will all come over a lot and visit with you. (Usually not true)

You’re still young, you have your whole life ahead of you. (That thought is overwhelming)

It is time for you to move on and get over your brother. (We never get over someone). Things that can be helpful to say to a griever (child, teen, adult): I am so sorry about your loss of your father. (acknowledge the loss out loud)

I am here to listen if you want to talk. And I can be here if you don’t want to talk.

What is the hardest part for you? (May be something that can be done at school)

Do you want to tell me what happened? (Don’t push children or teens to talk)

How are you doing with all of this?

I don’t know why it happened. It is not fair. (validate their emotions)

Thank you for letting me know how you feel. (You appreciate their courage).

I can’t imagine what this is like for you. (No, you really can’t).

My door is always open. Here is a pass for you to come down when you need to.

Teen Grief in School

All losses must be mourned in their own way. Educators need to know how to react to different crisis situations. An illness and a car accident would require different responses. Adolescents are affected by loss in different ways.

Adolescence is a time of identity formation. Loss must be affirmed as it uniquely impacts the individual adolescent. There may be a heightened sense of aloneness. Intense anger may be

triggered if a loss interrupts life as it begins to be felt in an independent way. There may be a sense of being cheated.

Adolescents believe that nothing can happen to them. Loss brings on intense shock.

Adolescents prioritize physical presentation and peer relationships. Alteration of either is extremely frightening and needs specific attention.

Adolescents are very self-conscious. He/she may suffer embarrassment and guilt over a loss. They will censor feelings viewed as socially unacceptable.

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Educators need to offer acceptance of a wide variety of feelings. Encourage the peer group to show their reassurance and acceptance. Confidentiality can be important to adolescents who fear rejection from peers because of a loss incident. Teachers need to be aware of cruel comments and behaviors of classmates of sick children or children who have had a loss. They need to isolate negative behaviors and teach appropriate, compassionate responses. Allow children to wear a cap to school in order to support and make less noticeable the child whose hair is lost due to cancer treatment. Encourage empathy and compassion in students. Educators need to reach out to these students, as they tend to pull away in search of independence. Schools can help students find ways to express their feelings after a classmate or teacher dies. They can teach proper funeral and family visitation etiquette. Teachers can also help to provide culturally appropriate practices. Be aware of the students who are having the greatest difficulty with the loss and may need to be

monitored for inappropriate grief responses later. Adolescents may express feelings in dangerous or unhealthy ways. Teaching coping skills as options to unwise displays of aggression, to acting out, to excessive withdrawal, to recklessness, to apathy, to the use of substances, to sexual experimentation- all common adolescent choices for handling grief. Peer support groups facilitated by trained school counselors can be an excellent preventive program for the bereaved student who has lost a parent. They learn the importance of sharing feelings, but they find they are not alone. This has been helpful for students in finding desire in going on with life. They become less embarrassed when expressing emotion and learn that adults can be supportive of them. They also learn that each has their own grief reaction with unique timetables.

A child can only resolve loss if someone recognizes the loss. Learning is affected by loss, therefore must be dealt with. All educators including bus drivers, crossing guards, lunch workers, the media specialist, the

custodian, the principal all can play a part in meeting the needs of a grieving student.

Listening to the child is key. As we listen and support students, we can help them make meaning of their loss. Educators can assist students as they adjust to new situations created by the loss. For example:

allowing a class to make decisions about an empty desk in the classroom, allowing students to brainstorm ideas for a yearbook entry for a deceased classmate with an informed educator, to allow students to choose to cancel sport games on the day of a student’s or educator’s funeral, etc., which can give them a much needed sense of control.

A variety of activities for teens that facilitate healing: Writing letters to and from, writing in a journal, Read an inspirational book about someone you admire Being with friends, take in a funny movie, go to a zoo, Crying or screaming, punching a pillow, take kick boxing classes Helping others, volunteer at a soup kitchen or be a big brother/sister Praying, finger paint, skate, pick flowers, buy yourself a gift

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Creative projects, memory books and collages Getting involved in school and other activities Having alone time, listen to music, watch a movie, take in a new band Art, daydream, visit a chat room for teens who are grieving, Hugging, work for a cause, dance, watch the sun set, Joining a support group, Talking to others in person or on phone, hotline

Getting further counseling Exercising, go for a hike, a swim, take a yoga class, learn to meditate Mindful breathing, visualizations Activities for children (some of above if appropriate as well plus):

Use puppets, dolls, toys to act out loss Role play to practice talking about loss in the future Sand box tray (filled with figures and toys to help express) Big movement play Exercise

Dress up outfits (doctor, firefighter, police, ambulance, etc) Phone books to shred, bubble wrap to pop, balls to throw Punching bag to kick or punch, stuffed animals to cuddle Instruments to play and music to dance and move to Blocks to build with, Lego’s to build and destroy Feel good bag (More in book Creative Intervention for Bereaved Children)

Bereaved children need: Permission: To be able to share their story, experiences, feelings, concerns and questions, worries

Continuity: maintain normal day to day activities when possible in school and at home.

Care: plenty of TLC. Grief can be lonely for parents and children. Invite extended family and friends

who the child trusts to help out and stay connected.

Connection: When a parent dies, the whole family has been affected. The child needs to stay connected

to the parent who has died and to you.

Information: what happened; explain honestly without a lot of detail, that is best for their age and stage.

Reassurance: that it wasn’t their fault, as children often use magical thinking or assume blame

especially if they don’t understand what happened.

Careful listening: Calm and active listen without judgment, allow them to address fears and concerns

Safety: They need to feel safe; parents can help children feel safe

Support and help with their overwhelming emotions

Involvement and inclusion with rituals and anniversaries

Opportunities to remember their parent who has died

Outlets for their grief: writing, talking, playing, volunteering, exercise, mindfulness, art, family time,

time with a pet, privacy, to play with friends, time to talk about loss, music, other caring adults,

attending a grief support program or group to meet other grieving kids and to learn new coping tools

Often bereaved children struggle with 3 questions:

1. Who will take care of my now?

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2. Will I get sick too, or will that happen to me too?

3. Did I cause my parent to die in any way?

Communication can be a struggle with one’s grieving child. Some children want to talk about

everything, share feelings and concerns easily, some share occasionally, and others don’t want to talk

about the loss. Be available, but don’t push them to talk. Try things that don’t involve talking directly

like making a collage or memory box, watching a movie or reading a book about grief together.

Some suggestions:

Talk about their parent, tell stories that are funny, share memories,

Make a memory box or a scrap book and/or have photos around the house. Put together questions such

as: what their favorite food was, place to go, thing to do, show, etc

Journal: great idea to do for yourself and encourage your child to do as well

Linking objects and special items of the deceased parent for child to have: hat, shirt, (t-shirt or clothing

quilt or pillow case or bear) or paint a word on a stone or carry a photo.

Be prepared for times when a child suddenly wants to sit and talk; often at unexpected times.

Create rituals together: special remembrance activities to do together; birthdays, holidays other days

ACE Study (Adverse Childhood Experiences) www.cdc.gov go to ACE study

Toxic stress and the effects on physical and mental health

The ACE Antidote (Protective Factors) from The Deepest Well:

Sleep; Nutrition; Regular Exercise (releases a protein BDNF which acts like Miracle Gro for the brain

and nerve cells and helps immune system), Mindfulness, Mental Health, Healthy Relationships (Support

System)

When additional support or therapy may be beneficial for a child

Difficulty talking about the parent who has died; leaving a room if someone else brings up person Aggressive behavior and seeming to be more angry Physical symptoms: stomach aches, headaches, fatigue Sleeping and eating changes: Social withdrawal School difficulties; inability to concentrate, behavior issues, dramatic change in academic success Guilt; blames self Self-destructive behavior: Engaging in at risk behaviors and talks about wanting to hurt him or herself

Developmental Issues of Grieving Students:

Pre-School Child: This age is egocentric. They believe the world revolves around them and that they

cause things to happen. They often experience death as abandonment. Their “magical thinking”

causes them to think it is their fault, or they can bring back the deceased. Their grief responses are

usually intense but brief, and often at specific times, like daddy would have tucked him into bed.

They learn by repetition and will ask the same question over and over. Their grief work is done through

play. Many will regress.

change in eating habits * change in sleeping habits * wanting to be fed or dressed * thumb sucking

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baby talk * wanting a bottle * irritability * concerns about safety and abandonment

How to help: Use simple, honest answers. Be prepared for the same questions over and over. Include

the child in the rituals around death. Support the child in their play. Allow for anger and physical

expression. Maintain consistent structure and routines. Allow the child to regress. Hold the child and

offer a lot of physical attention. Encourage and allow for fun and happy times. Have books on death and

grief. Have toys, dress up and props, which facilitate expression. Address grief issues in a group setting

without the focus on the grieving child. Model by sharing personal stories.

Grieving Elementary Child: This age they are concrete thinkers who are beginning to develop logical

thinking patterns along with increased language and cognitive ability. After a death they question how

their lives will be different, what will be the same, and how one knows the person is really dead. They are invested in how the body works and ask specific questions like: “Did the blood get all over the

windshield?” or, “Will her hair fall out now that she is dead?” Their questions can be graphic and

gory, displaying a fear of bodily harm and mutilation. Try to give simple, honest answers to their

questions. 6-12 year olds want to see death as reversible, they are beginning to understand it is final.

Common Behaviors to expect:

Regression * Fighting, anger * Difficulty in paying attention and concentrating * daydreaming

Not completing homework or assignments * sleepiness * withdrawal

How to help: Answer questions as clearly and accurately as possible. Provide art, journal, music and

movement. Make time for physical outlets: sports, games, walks, etc. Help the student identify their

support system. Work with the student on assignments. Encourage the student around academic

assignments. Encourage the student to take breaks and have some alone time. Allow for expression of

feelings. Maintain routines and structure, but allow for flexibility. Let the student know you are

thinking about her/him. Assign a student a buddy who can work with her. Create a “safe space” where

a student can go when needed.

The Grieving Middle School Student: These students are experiencing a great deal of turmoil due to

physical and hormonal changes in their bodies. Grieving students must deal with the added stress of the

grief process. Many develop a variety of physical symptoms such as stomachaches, headaches, sleep

disturbances and changes in eating patterns. They experience a wide range of emotional reactions. They

begin to get primary support from friends, yet after a death that process gets altered. Confusion over

where to seek support is an issue. Physical outlets are still very important. They may provoke

feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and engage in more risk taking behaviors.

Common Behaviors to Expect in Grieving Middle School Students:

* Argumentative * Withdrawal * sullenness * anger * fighting * sleepiness * lack of concentration

and attentiveness * risk-taking behaviors (drugs, sexual acting out, stealing)

* Unpredictable ups and downs, or moodiness * erratic, inconsistent reactions

How to Help: Expect and accept mood swings. Provide a supportive environment where the

student can share, when needed. Anticipate increased physical concerns, including illness and body

aches and pains. Allow the student choices, including with whom and how she gets support.

Encourage participation in a support group. Allow flexibility to completing schoolwork.

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The Grieving High School Student: High school students are more philosophical about life and death

and believe that death won’t happen to them. They appear to use “adult” approaches of problem solving

and abstract thinking in dealing with grief. Remember that they are not adults yet. It is common to

see depression, denial, anger, risk-taking and acting out behaviors. Teens may fight against their

vulnerability because they want very much to be independent. It is not unusual to assume a teen will

become responsible for a family. Many adults may tell the boy whose father died that he is “now the

man of the house”. A girl whose mother died is told that she is expected to “take care” of her dad and

her siblings.

Common Behaviors to Expect in a Grieving High School Student: Withdrawal from parents and other adults * Angry outbursts * Increased risk-taking behaviors

(substances, reckless driving, sexual behaviors) * Pushing the limit of rules * Lack of concentration *

Inability to focus * Hanging out with a small group of friends * Sad face, evidence of crying *

Sleepiness, exhaustion.

How to Help:

Allow for regression and despondency. Encourage expression of feelings such as sorrow, anger,

guilt and regret. Understand and allow for variation in maturity level. Answer questions honestly and

provide factual information. Model appropriate responses, showing the students your own grief. Avoid

power struggles and allow choices. Help students understand any resolved feelings of helplessness.

Assist students with plans for completion of assignments. Allow for some flexibility in assignments,

e.g. be willing to adapt assignment to topics relevant to the student’s current experience.

For Teachers, school counselors, child study team,

Remember that every county in NJ has a Traumatic Loss Coalition for Youth. TLC can you’re

your school following a sudden or traumatic loss of a student or staff member.

Perhaps you feel ill prepared and overwhelmed at the prospect of helping a student cope with death. The

most important qualities for assisting grieving students are ones you already have: good listening skills,

and the ability to understand what your students are dealing with. You can significantly alter a student’s

life forever in the ways you choose to respond when he or she is deeply affected by loss.

Ask the student what she wants the class to know about the death, funeral arrangements, loss. (If

possible, call the family prior to her return to school).

Talk to your class about how grief affects people and encourage them to share how they feel.

Discuss how difficult it may be for their classmate to return to school, and how they may be of help.

Provide a way for your class to reach out to the grieving classmate and his/her family.

Provide flexibility and support to your grieving student upon return to the class.

Be a good listener. Follow routines and set limits. Be aware of trigger events.

Common Mistakes: Words and Actions to Avoid with Children and Teens:

DO NOT suggest that the student has grieved long enough.

DO NOT indicate that the student should get over it and move on.

DO NOT expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis

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DO NOT act as if nothing happened.

DO NOT say things like:

“It could be worse; you still have one brother”

“I know how you feel”, “You’ll be stronger because of this”

Note to School Staff: Take Care of Yourselves.

Make time to talk with other staff members about grieving students

Talk to those you trust about your own feelings

Remember that grief issues take time to process and that there is not set time frame

Talk to co-workers, crisis team about your own feelings and concerns

Seek professional support when indicated

Get plenty of exercise, sleep and reflective time and water

Helpful Resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK (8255)

2nd Floor: www.2ndfloor.org Youth Helpline: (888)-222-2228 web site and helpline for kids

10-24 years old . Free and confidential. Hospice Net: Hospice services, frequently asked questions, talking to children about death, www.hospicenet.org RAINBOWS: free program in NJ for children who have either lost a parent or sibling

through death or have parents’ divorcing or separated. www.rainbows.org

GOOD GRIEF: Morristown, Princeton:A free year round grief support for children ages 3-18 who have lost a parent, sibling or other significant person through death. Parent/guardian

group meets same time. www.good-grief.org

IMAGINE: Mountainside, free year round grief support for children 3-18 and their parents/caregivers. Also runs a parent with terminal illness group & young adult & friend loss group. 908-264-3100 www.imaginenj.org THE ALCOVE: Northfield, free year round grief support for children 3-18. (609)484-1133 www.thealcove.org COMMON GROUND GRIEF CENTER: Manasquan, free year round grief support for youth 3-18, (732) 606-7477 www.commongroundgriefcenter.org COMFORT ZONE CAMP: free weekend camp for bereaved children ages 7-17 www.comfortzonecamp.org CAMP CLOVER: free bereavement day camp for children ages 7-15. One week during the summer in late August at Camp Riverbend in Warren, NJ. Free bussing, meals and

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activities for grieving youth. For info contact: Atlantic Hospice/Camp Clover at (973) 379-

8440 Ext. 8956

GRIEF SPEAKS: Info, resources & information about all types of losses for grieving children, teens and adults. Keynotes, professional development and consulting needs.

www.griefspeaks.com

COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS: www.compassionatefriends.org Free monthly meetings for parents who have lost a child of any age. CANCER SUPPORT COMMUNITY: www.cancersupportcnj.org Support for children and teens who have a parent with cancer. Kidspeak groups. Groups for patients with cancer and families.

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society: Largest voluntary health organization dedicated to

funding blood cancer research, and providing education and patient services. www.lls.org/nj

Gilda’s Club: Creates welcoming communities of free support for everyone living with

cancer, along with their families and friends. www.gildasclubsouthjersey.org Cancer Support, Information and Hope TRAUMATIC LOSS COALITION FOR YOUTH: http://ubhc.rutgers.edu/brti/tlc TLC is New Jersey’s primary youth suicide prevention program and a statewide network that offers collaboration and support to professionals working with school-age youth. Suicide prevention and trauma response assistance to schools, following a loss through suicide, homicide, accident and illness. (732)235-2810 Important Quotes

“Research shows that a positive relationship with an adult who is available to provide support when needed is one of the most critical factors in preventing student violence….Some children need help overcoming feelings of isolation and support in developing connections to others. Effective schools make sure that opportunities exist for adults to spend quality, personal time with children. Effective schools also foster positive student interpersonal relations- they encourage students to help each other and to feel comfortable assisting others in getting help when needed.” Early Warning, Timely Response: A

Guide to Safe Schools, Dwyer

A “charismatic adult” is an adult who a child can “gather strength.” Dr. Julius Segal “When asked what helped them succeed against all odds, resilient children, youth and adults overwhelming and exclusively gave the credit to members of their extended family, to neighbors and teachers, to mentors and voluntary associations and church groups.” - Emma Werner

A few suggested books: (more books by specific loss on GriefSpeaks.com)

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I Know I Made it Happen: A Gentle book about feelings by Lynn Bennett Blackburn When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown The Grieving Child and The Grieving Teen both by Helen Fitzgerald When a Friend Dies: Teens Grieving and Healing: Marilyn Gootman

You Are Not Alone: Teens talk about life after the loss of a parent: Lynne Hughes, founder of Comfort Zone Camp: www.comfortzonecamp.org

The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

But I Didn’t Get to Say Goodbye: Helping Children and families after a suicide by Barbara Rubel How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness by Kathleen McCue When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children by Wendy Harpham, MD What Will Happen to Me: by Howard Zehr (youth talk about having a parent in prison)

My Parent Has Cancer and it Really Sucks by Maya Silver

When Kids are Grieving: Addressing Grief and Loss in School by Donna Burns Raising Our Children to be Resilient: A Guide to Helping Children Cope with Trauma in Today’s World by Linda Goldman The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Burke-Harris, MD GRIEF SPEAKS

Follow “Grief Speaks” and “Grief Speaks 4 Teens” on Facebook; Follow “Grief Speaks” on Twitter; Follow Griefspeaks on Instagram Sign up for the free monthly newsletter on the website Find info, resources and more on www.griefspeaks.com

Contact Lisa Athan at 973-985-4503 or email lisa@griefspeaks.com