Where Have All the Comedians Gone?

7/23/2019 Where Have All the Comedians Gone?

1/9

Where Have All the Comedians Gone?

by Joon Lee

It is nighttime in a cramped motel room. he room is dar! and derelict"loo!ing# $ith cheap

%&rnit&re# peeling $allpaper and a tac!y orange"colored bed sheet. 'n one side $e see a bed and

a bedside table. Across %rom the bed there is a television set. (ear the television set is a small$indo$ that loo!s li!e it hasn)t been $ashed in years# as $ell as a ro&nd tab table $ith some

chairs. In the %ront center o% the room is a microphone stand. A(*+,W# a s!inny# tired"loo!ing

man in his early thirties $ith an &n!empt beard and messy hair# ca&tio&sly approaches themicrophone.

A(*+,W- Is this thing on?

A(*+,W pa&ses a$hile.

A(*+,W- he girl today at the chec!"in co&nter seemed nice. I mean# she even gave me a

smile. &re it# $as one o% those la/y# service ind&stry training man&al type smiles# b&t I didn)tmind. 0aybe the $orld...maybe the $orld is trying to send me o%% $ith a virt&oso per%ormance#

yo& !no$?

'&t o% no$here# $e hear the so&nd o% a st&dio a&dience booing. A(*+,W carries on $ith his

ro&tine.

A(*+,W- I thin!... I thin! I)m on to $riting something good. ome really good material#

%&nny# honest. 0aybe even the %&nniest st&%% I)ve ever $ritten.

0ore 1eering is heard %rom the a&dience.

A(*+,W- han!s any$ay.

A(*+,W leaves and ta!es a seat behind the microphone on the bed. &ddenly# a gro&p o%

$or!ers appear. hey loo! li!e st&dio technicians at a broadcasting company# complete $ithclipboards and headsets. hey ta!e the microphone a$ay2 A(*+,W doesn)t seem to notice

them. itting on the bed he ta!es some pills %rom his breast poc!et and begins %iddling $ith

them. &ddenly# the phone rings. A(*+,W pic!s &p# and $e hear a %emale voice on the other

line. It is 0A*I'(# his older sister.

A(*+,W- Hello.

0A*I'(- Andy# is that yo&? 34eat5A(*+,W- Ho$)d yo& get this n&mber? Ho$ the hell do yo& !no$ $here I "

0A*I'(- Andy# $hat the %&c! are yo& doing in a motel in Cincinnati?

A(*+,W- It)s none o% yo&r b&siness.0A*I'( -Why haven)t yo& ret&rned my calls?

A(*+,W-3Angrily5 6o& !no$# it)s a little hard %or me to do that $hen yo& haven)t spo!en to

me in t$o years# o!ay?

0A*I'(- Andy....$hat are yo& going to do there? Are yo& going to "


2/9

A(*+,W- It)s none o% yo&r b&siness.

A(*+,W hangs &p the phone and t&rns on the television. A%ter %lipping thro&gh channels# hestops at an in%omercial. We hear clich7d inspirational m&sic playing on the television# $hich is

inter1ected by a soothing# middle"aged male voice.

+IC8- Are yo& in debt? *epressed? Can)t sleep at night? tr&ggling $ith addiction? Hello. 0y

name is 9astor +ic! ,dm&nds# and I have the sol&tion %or yo&.

A(*+,W t&rns and loo!s at the television.

+IC8- It)s called 9rayerWater. Holy $ater $e get imported straight %rom Jer&salem# and it $ill

change yo&r li%e.W'0A(- I $as s&%%ering %rom bac! problems. $o days o% 9rayerWater and I $as bac! on my

%eet:

0A(- I $as str&ggling $ith credit card debt# b&t a %e$ $ee!s o% 9rayerWater too! care o% it.

han! yo 9astor +ic!:+IC8- And no$ this ama/ing sol&tion can be yo&rs as $ell# %or 1&st three easy payments o%

%i%teen ninety"nine.

A(*+,W stares at the commercial $ith an am&sed loo! on his %ace. When it ends# he sco%%s at

the television sarcastically.

A(*+,W- 30&ttering5 0y name is Andre$ tillman. I $as lonely and depressed and an &tterly

&nemployable leech on society. $o $ee!s o% 9rayerWater and I)m bac! on "

here is a !noc! at the door.

A(*+,W- Who is it?+IC8- Hey Andre$# I)m 1&st someone $ho $ants to tal!.

A(*+,W- 3&spicio&sly5 ;h# come in I g&ess.

A(*+,W opens the door. +IC8# the pastor %rom the television advertisements# $al!s into the

room# %&lly clothed in clerical $ear. As he enters $e hear the same inspirational m&sic %rom the

television advertisement playing.

+IC8- Hello# Andre$# my name is 9astor +ic! ,dm&nds. It is really nice to %inally get to meet

yo&.

A(*+,W- 3hoc!ed5 ;h# ho$ do yo& !no$ my "+IC8 - Andre$# can I tell yo& abo&t something that co&ld change yo&r li%e? It)s this thing called

9rayerWater# and "

A(*+,W- (o# I don)t $ant any o% that st&%%.+IC8- Andre$# yo& see# tho&sands o% people 1&st li!e yo& have been ama/ed by "

A(*+,W- I)m really not interested.

+IC8- It)s


3/9

+IC8- What did yo& 1&st say?

+IC8 begins to ch&c!le. He la&ghs harder and harder &ntil he is soon $hee/ing and reeling.A%ter a $hile# he calms himsel% do$n.

+IC8- o yo& %o&nd me o&t.

+IC8 ta!es o%% the %roc! %rom his collar and thro$s it aside. He ta!es a seat at the $ooden table

and p&lls o&t a bottle o% vod!a %rom the breast poc!et o% his 1ac!et. He ta!es a long s$ig. Heo%%ers the vod!a to A(*+,W $hen he is %inished. A(*+,W stares at him ca&tio&sly %or a

$hile# then ta!es a seat and ta!es a sip.

+IC8 - o $hat do yo& do?A(*+,W- I)m a comedian.

+IC8- Comedians. I hate comedians# man.

A(*+,W- Why?

+IC8- Comedy)s a load o% shit# isn)t it? It)s 1&st a b&nch o% sad pric!s saying# hey# everythings&c!s# $e)ll all die and be %orgotten# let)s 1&st la&gh abo&t ho$ depressing that all is.

+IC8 pic!s &p the remote and changes the channel. He lands on a channel that is playing rer&ns

o% an old sitcom. We hear m&%%led dialog&e %ollo$ed by lo&d b&rsts o% canned la&ghter.

+IC8- Isn)t that that sitcom# +o&nd +obin or $hatever? he one that ran in the seventies? I

thin! I remember seeing it on bac! in the day.

A(*+,W- 6eah.

+IC8- What $as the name o% the g&y# the main character? +ichard or $hatever.A(*+,W- 8evin. 8evin +obin.

+IC8- here $e go.

Amidst the la&gh trac!# $e hear 8,=I( delivering his lines on the sho$.

8,=I(- Well# &sie# I g&ess I co&ld !eep calm# i% it $asn)t pain%&lly obvio&s yo& $ere havingan a%%air....

A(*+,W and +IC8 both ch&c!le at the television. &ddenly# there is a !noc! on the door.

A(*+,W- I)ll get it.

A(*+,W $al!s over and opens the door. 8,=I( +'4I(# the protagonist o% +o&nd +obin#$al!s in. He is a clean"c&t# $hite b&sinessman $earing a s&it and carrying a brie%case. He loo!s

li!e the stereotypical television %ather. o&nds o% a cheering a&dience play as he enters thro&gh

the door.

8,=I(- Hello# Andre$:

A(*+,W- ,>c&se me# are yo&...are yo&.....

8,=I(- What is it# sonny? pit it o&t.


4/9

We hear a la&gh trac! play a%ter 8,=I()s line.

A(*+,W- 8evin....

8,=I(- 8evin +obin# that is my name indeed# and selling ins&rance is my game:

here is more la&ghter.

8,=I(- 3Loo!ing aro&nd5 Well# this is a charming little place yo& got here.+IC8- It)s a d&mp.

8,=I(- I)m sorry# I don)t believe I)ve met yo& yet# sir.

+IC8- What do yo& $ant?

8,=I(- I &h# I 1&st $anted to !no$ yo&r name. &ite an attit&de yo& got there# I gotta say.

he a&dience er&pts in la&ghter. 8,=I( loo!s mildly &ncom%ortable abo&t the la&ghter %or a

moment.

A(*+,W- hat)s +ic!.

8,=I(- Well# +ic!# I have to say it)s a pleas&re to meet yo&.

he la&gh trac! plays again.

8,=I(- Co&ld yo& stop? 9lease? I)m trying to have a conversation here.

+IC8- Who the %&c! are yo& tal!ing to?

8,=I(- 'h# nothing. 9leasant day# isn)t it.

+IC8- (ot really.8,=I(- Well# I thin! it is a rather nice day o&t. J&st $onder%&l.

he imaginary a&dience la&ghs again.

8,=I(- 39leading to a&dience5 9lease stop# please# I 1&st need some @&iet.

he a&dience begins appla&ding. 8,=I( ta!es a chair and thro$s it &p in the air# as i% he is

trying to hit the la&gh trac!. he chair crashes do$n in the corner o% the room.

8,=I(- 3C+,A0I(G5 Leave me the %&c! alone:


5/9

8,=I(- I)m done.

A(*+,W- What?

8,=I(- I)m done...I)m done $ith this 1ob. hey can all go to hell.+IC8- What 1ob?

8,=I(- his: 4eing 8evin %&c!ing +obin. his sho$. his is the last sitcom I)ll ever be in#

mar! my $ords.

8,=I( stares at +IC8.

8,=I(- 6o&)re a real sm&g asshole# yo& !no$ that? What $as yo&r name again? +ic!? What do

yo& even do?

+IC8- I)m a salesman.

8,=I(- o&nds riveting.+IC8- Well# I don)t thin! yo& can pigeonhole me in $ith those other salesmen yo&)re thin!ing

abo&t. I)m more than that.

8,=I(- What do yo& sell?

+IC8- Holy $ater. Well# %a!e holy $ater. It)s really 1&st $ater# I g&ess.8,=I(- I)m s&re yo& %ind that line o% $or! highly re$arding.

+IC8- Hey# I don)t mind. 6o& !no$ $ho $atches my ads? (ot normal people. 0y ads come onat three in the morning# no normal# %&nctioning societal cog is $atching television at three in the

morning. We don)t cater to the $hite pic!et"%enced types $ith their Honda 'dysseys and soccer

player da&ghters. (o# the g&ys that $atch me are the single parents# the immigrants $or!ingnight shi%ts# the insomniacs# the poor b&rnt o&t alcoholic ho&se$ives $ho can)t sleep $itho&t

some o% that shopli%ted ana> they have in their ma!e"&p dra$er. 6o& !no$ $hat I am to those

people? Jes&s. I am their 0essiah. hey pay me si>ty dollars# and I give them salvation in bottle

%orm.

8,=I( sighs in disbelie% and loo!s to$ards A(*+,W.

8,=I(- Ho$ abo&t yo&? 6o&)re a comedian or something# aren)t yo&? What the hell are yo&

doing in Cincinnati? Comedy comes here to die.

A(*+,W- I)m $riting a monolog&e. I)m hoping it)ll be my masterpiece. I can %eel it# yo& !no$#I can 1&st "

8,=I(- Good %or yo&.

A(*+,W gets &p and $al!s to a dra$er cabinet near the bed. He retrieves three glasses andret&rns to the table. A(*+,W then po&rs everyone vod!a. A%ter receiving his glass# 8,=I(

holds it o&t to A(*+,W and +IC8# $ho %ollo$ him.

8,=I(- o o&r inevitable demise.

+IC8- Amen.

he three ta!e a drin!. &ddenly# the phone rings. A(*+,W gets &p to pic! &p the phone.

8,=I( and +IC8 s&ddenly %ree/e and stop moving.

0A*I'(- Andy.


6/9

A(*+,W- top calling me.

0A*I'(- Andy# $hy $on)t yo& let me tal! to yo&.

A(*+,W- I mean# $hy are yo& calling me all o% a s&dden? What gives? Is li%e in s&b&rbiagetting yo& do$n? *o yo& have to call yo&r %&c!"&p sibling to %eel better abo&t yo&r o$n little

e>istence?

here is a long pa&se.

A(*+,W- I)m....I)m sorry. I sho&ldn)t have said that.

A(*+,W loo!s do$n at the gro&nd and sighs.

0A*I'(- When are yo& coming bac!?A(*+,W- Where?

0A*I'(- o see &s.

A(*+,W- I don)t !no$# I gotta chec! $ith 0ichael# and.....

0A*I'(- Are yo& coming %or han!sgiving?A(*+,W- What?

0A*I'(- han!sgiving? I 1&st don)t....

0A*I'( sighs.

A(*+,W- What? 6o& 1&st don)t $hat?

0A*I'(- I 1&st don)t $ant yo& spending han!sgiving in yo&r tiny %&c!ing apartment#

breathing in paint %&mes and eating ta!eo&t Chinese %ood. I# I $ant yo& home# Andre$. We all

do. 0e# and 9erry# and the !ids....

A(*+,W ch&c!les.

A(*+,W- Ho$ old are they?

0A*I'(- ,mily)s %ive and Henry)s t$o and a hal%. I told yo& this.

A(*+,W- I)m s&re yo& did.

here is another long pa&se.

0A*I'(- Andy...I# I $as tal!ing $ith 9erry# and he !no$s a good doctor &p in 4er!shire.A(*+,W- Why $o&ld I need to see a doctor?

0A*I'(- 6o& !no$# I 1&st tho&ght# I mean... $e 1&st tho&ght maybe it)d be good %or yo& to

see someone.A(*+,W- ee someone?

0A*I'(- o tal! things over.

A(*+,W- I don)t &nderstand $hat yo&)re saying. al! things over? I mean# do yo& $ant me tosee a %&c!ing shrin!# 0adison?

0A*I'(- (o# Andy# it)s 1&st....

A(*+,W- What? What abo&t?

0A*I'(- J&st abo&t general things# I don)t !no$.....


7/9

A(*+,W- Abo&t $hat?

0A*I'(- 9eter. I tho&ght yo& co&ld tal! to someone abo&t 9eter.

&ddenly# A(*+,W)s e>pression changes and he goes silent. His %ists begin to clench.

A(*+,W- I)m sorry# $hat?0A*I'(- Andy# I.....

A(*+,W- 9ete. 6o& $ant me to see a psychiatrist abo&t 9ete. '!ay# I get it# yo&.... 6o& !no$

$hat# stop calling me. J&st stop.

A(*+,W hangs &p and ret&rns to the table. As soon as he sits do$n# 8,=I( and +IC8 begin

moving again.

+IC8- 39ointing at 8,=I(5 o# $ait a min&te. 6o&)ve never told &s $hat yo&)re doing no$.

(o$ that yo&)re s&pposedly ma!ing yo&r dramatic e>it %rom sitcoms.

8,=I(- 9lays# mostly. mall stand &p st&%% in cl&bs maybe.

+IC8- I g&ess that means yo& $on)t be ma!ing 1ac!.8,=I(- I)ll manage.

+IC8- I)m s&re yo&)ll have no regrets or anything# right?8,=I(- What are yo& implying?

+IC8- I)m implying that yo&)ll $ant to go bac!. o sitcoms# to shitty net$or! television sho$s#

bac! to being loved and being recogni/ed. 4ac! to having snot"nosed t$elve year olds beggingyo& %or yo&r a&tograph.

A(*+,W- +ic!# c&t it o&t.

8,=I(- 3lightly angrily5 Is that $hat yo& thin!?

+IC8- (o# it)s $hat I !no$. It)s $hat I can see %rom yo&. I can read yo and behind that air o%ass&med sel% s&periority I see an insec&re little man.

8,=I(- I)m not going bac! to sitcoms.

+IC8- Why not?8,=I(- I $on)t.

+IC8- Why?

8,=I(- 3,>ploding5 4eca&se I can never again bear to hear the so&nd o% another %&c!ing la&ghtrac!# that)s $hy. I hate that. La&gh trac!s# st&dio a&diences giggling and clapping on c&e li!e a

pac! o% trained chimpan/ees# %&c! that shit: It)s all %a!e.


8/9

8,=I(- Hey# Andre$# didn)t yo& say yo& had a monolog&e or something yo& $ere $or!ing on?

A(*+,W- I do.

8,=I(- Well# read the damn thing.A(*+,W- It)s not %inished?

8,=I(- I don)t care. Is it real? +eal comedy?

A(*+,W- I thin! so.8,=I(- Go ahead.

A(*+,W gets &p. 'nce again# 8,=I( and +IC8 %ree/e and seem to %ade into the bac!gro&nd.&ddenly# the $or!ers appear onstage again. hey give A(*+,W a 1ac!et and collared shirt to

$ear and set &p a microphone in %ront o% him. 'ne o% the $or!ers tests the microphone o&t.

W'+8,+ B- esting# testing.W'+8,+ - Are yo& good# 0r. tillman?

A(*+,W- I)m ready.

W'+8,+ D- '!ay no$# let)s get moving everyone. We)re starting soon.

&ddenly# a b&rst o% tri&mphant m&sic plays.

A((';(C,+- Ladies and gentlemen# live %rom Cincinnati# 'hio# it)s Andre$ tillman:

he so&nd o% a cheering a&dience plays.

A(*+,W- han! yo than! yo&: Hello Cincinnati: 6o& !no$# this is the city $here I had my

%irst sho$. And# I thin! it)s %itting $e)re here# beca&se today)s my %inal sho$. It)s my last one#

g&ys# and I am so happy to be sharing it $ith yo& here in the great city o% Cincinnati.

he cro$d cheers again.

A(*+,W- I got a story %or yo&. o# I !no$ this g&y named Andre$. He)s a comedian# and I

tho&ght I)d tal! abo&t him beca&se his li%e is pretty %&nny. He...&h...he lives by himsel% in this

tiny condomini&m $ay &p in 4oston# b&t I mean# $e)re tal!ing the really shitty part o% 4oston.He lives there by himsel%# and I tell him to get o&t more# beca&se# damn# d&de does not leave the

ho&se:

he a&dience begins la&ghing at this.

A(*+,W- I tell him over and over again# come on man# yo& gotta leave# yo& gotta leave. 4&t he

can)t. I)m li!e# $hy not? He says it)s beca&se he)s too scared o% the $orld. He)s a%raid he)ll $ethimsel% i% he)s %orced to tal! to people. He says he)s also had tro&ble relating $ith other people

ever since his %riend 9eter died. 34eat5 And 9eter? I)m not going to let yo& die in peace. 6o&

!no$ $hat yo& did to me? Leaving me alone here? I can)t %orgive yo& %or that. (ever.

he a&dience la&ghter b&ild and b&ilds.


9/9

A(*+,W- And yo& !no$# I thin! the %&nniest thing is this. his Andre$ g&y.... he lives and

breathes and eats and goes thro&gh his li%e.... goes thro&gh his li%e $ith the ass&mption that his

actions have some conse@&ence. ome echo. ome impact on the %&t&re. ome meaning.

he a&dience begins to ho$l &ncontrollably# and the la&ghter increases in vol&me# to the point

that A(*+,W needs to scream to have himsel% heard.

A(*+,W- 3ho&ting5 And that)s the 1o!e: he &ltimate 1o!e: hey don)t: It)s li!e he never#

ever# ever even $as a real person. (ever: (ever in his short little li%e. As m&ch as he tried.

A(*+,W begins to $ave at the imaginary a&dience.

A(*+,W- han! yo& Cincinnati: han! yo&: Good night: Good night# good night# goodnight...

here is more appla&se and la&ghter. he vol&me b&ilds as A(*+,W $aves tri&mphantly to the

imaginary a&dience. lo$ly# $ith a smile# he p&lls a g&n to his mo&th as he contin&es to saygood night. As the la&ghter contin&es to b&ild he stares at the a&dience and p&lls the trigger.

he lights c&t to blac! as the a&dience contin&es to la&gh.

Documents

Where Have All the Comedians Gone?