Feb

162012

PAGe

8BACKPAGE

ADVERTISEMENTComic by Ariel Carter-Rodriguez

You are quiet and mayhaps a tad bit shy. You are studious and have a very mild case of eczema, but in the event of a zombie apocalypse, you would undoubtedly be the last human to survive.

Even though it only takes one of you to screw in a light bulb (because the whole world revolves around you . . . ), none of the people in orbit around you mind. They think you have good fashion sense.

Usually at least a little bit hipster, you appreciate a good improbable musical adaptation written for uke. Some popular transcriptions: Mahler’s “5th Symphony for Ukulele” and Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love.”

Sometimes you wake up in the middle of

the night screaming, “DON’T TOUCH MY

BOCAL!!” You have a slight tendency towards

insanity, but you call it creativity. One day

you will be offered the position of “President of the World.” Accept.

Seriously?

You are outspoken and most likely a bit

show-offy. It’s difficult to build anything

designed by Dr. Seuss in real life, but you are

dedicated to making a scene. Interestingly,

you will probably name your daughter

“Constance.”

Difficult to grossly generalize, but I’ll give it a go: carbon-based, you have a real knack for bipedal mobility. You are a little bit self-conscious and have thought about starting a band. You think baby animals are cute.

Laid-back and chill, you are sick and tired of hearing people say,

“OMG, your violin is like, huge!” but you deal with it. You will

probably never be arrested, but you definitely will be

pulled over a couple of times.

CEL

LO

TRU

MPE

T

UK

ULE

LE

GU

ITA

R/P

IAN

O

BA

SSOO

N

PAN

FLUTE

HU

T-ZUT

VIOLA

WHAT DOES YOURSAY ABOUT YOU?

BEST DANCE SONG / “The Bernie”

WORST SONG THAT YOU LISTENED TO MORE THAN ONCE / “Friday” by Rebecca Black

BEST COVER / “Sophie Grace Super Bass” by Nicki Minaj

BEST COVER MUSIC VIDEO / “Black and Jewish” by Kali Hawk & Kat Graham

BEST BREAKUP SONG / “Someone Like You” by Adele

WEIRDEST LYRICS / “If I had a dick I would pull it out and piss on ‘em” —Nicki Minaj

MUSIC VIDEO MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOU FEEL SICK / “All of the Lights” by Kanye West

BIGGEST YOUTUBE SINGING SENSATION / Matty B Raps

BEST SONG THAT FINALLY GOT A MUSIC VIDEO & BEST SONG TO SING WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK / “And We Danced” by Macklemore

MOST LIKELY TO BE FORGOTTEN IN 2012 / Ke$ha

BEST BAND THAT SHOULD WIN FOR SOMETHING / Mumford & Sons

BEST SONG THAT DIDN’T EVEN GET NOMINATED / “Ni**as in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West

BEST “GLEE” MASH-UP / “Rumor Has It/Someone Like You”

GRAMMY54th

AWARDS

(FORGOTTEN)

SH*T JAN-STARTS SAY THE REAL CAUSE OF THEWHITMAN MASSACRE

“Wait, where is that again?”

“I heard about the place where you’re allowed to be naked on campus. It’s, like, the zen garden,

right?”

“Damn, my Encounters class is in a different room in Olin tomorrow. Now I have to leave 15 extra minutes early to

go find that.”

“Woo I’m so excited for the study break in Jewett main lounge! Those are definitely the most fun I have all week.”

“Wait, who is this you’re talking about?”

“Wow, this Encounters class is terrible; how did you survive a semester of this?”

“I am so sick of only being known as the Jan-start!”

ILLUSTRATION BY CARTER-RODRIGUEZ

Tiloukaikt: Hey Sissy.Narcissa: Hey Till Cakes.Tiloukaikt: Sorry to trouble you and all, but several of my people are dy-ing of measles. Do you think your husband could maybe . . . ?Narcissa: Nope. He’s great with the little stuff, like minor fevers and whatnot, but with diseases he doesn’t have a clue. And sorry about that, by the way. I think we may have brought that with us.Tiloukaikt: Yeah, I guess I knew this would be too big for him. I just thought I’d ask anyway. I feel kinda silly now.Narcissa: Don’t be. Hey, you wanna come in? We’re watching “Fringe.”Tiloukaikt: Awesome, that’s a great show.Narcissa: Yeah, it’s the best J.J. Abrams show ever.(Pause)Tiloukaikt: You take that back right now! “Lost” is by far the best show that Jeffrey Jacob has ever been a part of.Narcissa: You heathen! “Fringe” is so much better. I mean, the differ-ent characters that each actor is able to play alone makes “Fringe” far su-perior.Tiloukaikt: Oh, come on! “Lost” explored spirituality, culture, science and personal longing all under the umbrella of an entertaining castaway mystery series. “Lost” makes you think and question. “Fringe” is just . . . entertainment.Narcissa: How dare you! Why don’t you take “Lost” and shove it up your—Tiloukaikt: Oh you are dead, so dead. I am going to take a gun and shoot you in the chest you little—

(What follows is literally history. Forgotten history, but history nonetheless.)