Mar

012012

PaGE

8BACKPAGETHE DIARY OF AN R.A.

Wake up to put puke bucket outside the door, it’s still dirty from the person who used it last night

Break out Settlers of Catan in the section lounge, three to four people come to join

On duty, shut 12 people’s doors because it’s quiet hours

See a couple freshman hooking up in a study room . . . keep walking

See a door open, walk in to say hello and end up having to take away a beer from a kid who’s in the same frat

Some fool tries to make mac and cheese and sets a fire off on the stove, puts it out with steel wool

Have section meeting, remind people again not to shotgun beers in the bathroom

9 A.M.

3 P.M.

5 P.M. 6 P.M. 9 P.M. 11 P.M. 11:30 P.M.

Jeremy Lin brings redemption to Harvard

arvard has frequently been in the press as of late. Last week Tyra Banks, former super-model, received a cer-tificate for completing

the Owner/President Management Program at

Harvard Business School. While this is not a master’s or doctorate degree, she will still receive alumna sta-tus. One school official commented, say-ing, “Why wouldn’t she receive alumna status? It is a rigorous three-week pro-gram, in which she had to take time away from her interesting and insight-ful talk show and whatever else it is that she does.” Other than high school and this program, Banks has no other formal

education. She will now join the ranks of other Harvard alums such as Barack Obama, George W. Bush, John F. Ken-nedy, numerous other government offi-cials, and NBA BO$$ Jeremy Lin. Lin, who actually graduated from Harvard University with a degree in Economics, has taken the NBA by storm. He helped lead the Knicks to a seven-game win-ning streak. Lin has been doing so well that Ben & Jerry’s had a limited edition ice cream flavor, Taste the Lin-sanity. Interestingly enough, the day Banks got her certificate, the Knicks lost. While it is still unclear why she deserves to call Harvard her alma mater, it does not seem as though Harvard’s prestige as one of the best schools in the nation was sliding (until now), thank God for Jeremy Lin.

RULE 1 Vitamins, vitamins, vitamins. Eat them like popcorn throughout the day. I prefer “Gummy Vitamins—For adults.”

RULE 2 Don’t talk to an Infected. If they try to converse, don’t worry about being polite. Just throw a vitamin at them and run.

RULE 3 If your roommate becomes infected, move out immediately. It doesn’t matter if you were “friends.” That time is over now. They are lost to you.

RULE 4 always check for Infecteds before entering a room. The best way to do this is to toss a box oflotion-infused Kleenex into the room in question. They will swarm.

RULE 5 Start drinking tea if you don’t already. Extremely hot tea serves a dual purpose: it soothes a throat that is CLEarLY NOT SOrE WHaT arE YOU TaLKING aBOUT and it is good for throwing in an Infected’s face if they approach you.

RULE 6 If you find yourself surrounded by Infecteds, spray Lysol in all directions until you find an opening. Keep spraying Lysol until you are clear.

RULE 7 remember, Infecteds can’t smell, taste or hear very well. Use this to your advantage by staying out of their line of sight as well. They will have no idea you’re there.

Good luck. remember: If they’ve been infected . . . they’re not your friends anymore.

Lately, I have noticed that I seem to be the only person in all of Jewett who has not been swept under this latest wave of disease. It appears to be quite a whop-per, too, according to my observations: Your temperature shoots upward, your voice modulates to something distinctly Kermit-y and mucus starts oozing out of most of your facial orifices. It looks aw-ful. It has transformed my hallmates into what looks like The Walking Dead. So, of course, I needed a list of survival rules.

THE LAST OF THENON-SICKIES

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