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Why PHP triumphs over Ruby

tychay 3:43 am on 24 September 2007 | Comments (44) Permalink | Reply

“I’m really low on my scatological count here…I’m sorry I didn’t crack enoughjokes or use enough [cuss words], but I’m sure people will forgive me. They canjust attend one of my talks and get their cuss quota for the year. And if not, codingthese web apps themselves involves a lot of swearing—a lot of blood, sweat andswear.”—me on Pro PHP Podcast

I’m not posting my talk yet because I have to give it again at ZendCon. So here is a bit of ateaser.

A simple architectureCollege Park, Atlanta, Georgia

Leica M8, Cosina-Voigtländer NOKTON 35mmF1.2 Aspherical1/45sec, iso 320, 35mm (47mm)

The Internet is an Ogre and this architecture isreally quite simple.

[Do not hit the jump if you are easily offended. I really mean it!]

[ego] Pump and dump

Since, no doubt, many of you reading this article are first time ROR acolytes readers broughthere as part of my master plan when I beg get all my friends to link this, you might bewondering what gives me the right to piss all over your religion.

So in the interest of self-aggrandizement trackback links, I thought I’d point out some reviewsof my latest Ruby bash insightful presentation on Internet Architecture.

“Terry Chay did such a wonderful job with his, “Finding Art in the SoftwareArchitecture” talk it really isn’t funny”—Patrick Reilly, Senior Developer at OmniTI and president of LHB

“Terry Chay of Tagged stole the show with his talk.”—Chris Shiflett, PHP and web security author, lecturer and drummer for the FooFighters

“[Terry Chay] is not a talker to miss.”—Chris Jones, Linux Engineer at Oracle and coiner of the term “OPAL”

“The highlight of the day came next with Terry Chay’s new talk… look forward towatching him present this again.”—Ben Ramsey, Software Architect at Schematic and not a person to get lost within Atlanta

“[Terry Chay] really does have something to say.”—Cal Evans, Editor of Zend Developer Zone and guy who thinks this blog is all acharacter and I’m not really like this in real life (yeah, keep telling yourself that,Cal)

“… I laughed my ass off.”—Ed Finkler, CERIAS at Purdue University and someone who is obviouslyconstipated right now

“…but something will happen one day and I’ll go, ‘oh yes! Terry mentioned that.”—Andrew Collington, Web Developer at the University of Sussex and a guy Iconned into coming to see my talk during one of the breaks.

“Terry Chay”—jmoon. Not too sure who the hell he is, but he said my name.

Oh shit. Tokyo is so fucked!

“Heh, heh… what’s happened to me? I must be dreaming. I feel like I can take outthe world.”—Tetsuo, Akira (1998)

My friends

Blake has started to leave little landmines for me: every time a non-engineer gets intimidated byall the web geeks around at Lunch 2.0, he helpfully suggests that they ask two questions to “fitin”:

“What do you think about Ruby?”

“Will it scale?

I know the fucker is laughing his ass off looking forward to the day one of them asks me thosequestions and I rip their heads off and shi… Okay, I’ll stop there.

Though now that I’ve wised up to it, he’s probably going to suggest these people ask me whyCanon is better than Nikon.

He’s a true friend.

So it comes as no surprise that at least two of my friends told me about this article on whyCDBaby gave up migrating to Ruby and went back to PHP.

Swearing by osmosis

“This dude sounds a little like you. Not that he just made similar choices, but hisreasoning is the same. Sometimes when reasoning is similar without two peoplecomparing notes, there is some truth underlying the two similar solutions.”—one of my friends comments on the CDBaby article

After I got the above message, I went back and read the article. I’m still trying to figure out howthis guy, Derek, sounds like me at all.

(Heck, he doesn’t even look like me. We’re polar opposites. I have a full head of hair cut short,and he’s like bald with a pony tail. Oh yes, I’m not above a good ad hominem now and again.

)

Most notably, he only dropped the F-bomb once the entire article! Whereas Shawn Lauriat hadto get a special dispensation from his publisher just to put me in the acknowledgments of hisnew book, Advanced Ajax. (Clickie link to buyie.)

I sweat swear. It’s in my blood. Roll with me long enough and you will too.

Fear the swear

“I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate, you have anger, but you don’tuse them.”—Count Dooku shows why Anakin Skywalker is a big pussy

What gets my blood in a boil is reading all the comments to Derek’s post as every Ruby onRails padawan gang up on him.

I sense anger in them, but they don’t use it.

It does call into question what how much actual coding they’ve done. Because really, I don’tknow many developers who work on highly scaled sites that haven’t angrily cussed like a sailorwhen the shit hits the fan. Heck, even my polar opposite, Derek of CDBaby, had to drop theF-bomb once.

Which reminds me…

I was wrong

I admit it, I was wrong.

I used to tell people that Ruby is where Java developers went to lick their wounds after gettingschooled in the first boom by an ugly POS language like PHP. They had dreams of Ruby onRails rising up like a phoenix from the ashes of J2EE and teaching these (often) drunk PHPdevelopers that Web Development can be just like the Ivory Tower that taught them Java (orRuby)…and justify their overpriced salaries.

Life is too short for JavaCollege Park, Atlanta, Georgia

Leica M8, Cosina-Voigtländer NOKTON 35mm F1.2 AsphericalAperture (monochrome mixer)1/90sec, iso 320, 35mm (47mm)

Oh yes, I’m on to you. If Derek had written this article two months earlier there would havebeen nary a peep out of you.

Why?

Because I was wrong. The J2EE developers are still around; We’ve just added a bunch of highschool “entrepreneurs” to the mix. And they’re finally back from summer camp to lecture us onhow to run a “real-world” website.

But our lord and savior DHH says…

Terry Chay…the guy who killed Ruby—Paul Reinheimmer, php|architect

Quad CoreCollege Park, Atlanta, Georgia

Leica M8, Cosina-Voigtländer NOKTON 35mm F1.2 Aspherical1/40sec, iso 320, 35mm (47mm)

This is Paul Reinheimer drinking four cocktails at once. People like him arein ur language, coding ur endjinn.

I sense great fear in you.

Oh, come now, you’re going to claim that you aren’t in school right now? Don’t make me bringup that time when your mom found your stash of DHH flickr images under your bed.

Why I wish summer never ended

I’ve been sitting on a Ruby smackdown for the three months, where I was going to show youthis:

I post about Ruby in May, and look what happens!

People have been asking me about this followup, and I kept joking, “F—. I’ve been sick andlazy. All I know is I better blog it before all the Ruby kids get back from summer camp.”

And then…

This is the punishment I get for not posting before Labor Day. A great tauntruined.

It’s times like these that I wish there was an Endless Summer. That way I don’t have to keepbreaking out the can of whup-ass.

Looking for a smackdown

Really? You’re expecting substance in this article? Obviously, you’ve never read this blogbefore. p0wnd!

In truth, as a policy, I’d never anally rape a poor defenseless kitty, so I won’t rip on youRORCATS1 directly, especially since you’ve been AFK all summer. Instead, I’ll rip on a PHPdeveloper who brings up a point about PHP I’m sure you may have noticed. Perhaps you’ll readit and realize “Why PHP triumphs over Ruby”:

“I’ve come to discover there are very few people in the world who can write goodPHP code. Is that their fault or the languages?”—Jeremy Johnstone, the dude’s car yodels, how fucked up is that?

The answer

“Considering how much PHP powers the internet, I’d say Evil triumphs over Goodbecause Good is Stupid.”—Me

In other words, there is no such thing as “good” PHP code.

(I’ve certainly not seen it. You have? Are you sure you’re talking about the same language asme?)

Huh? I don’t understand.

Brian Moon of DealNews puts it, You have to be really smart to code PHP.

I put it more simply:

“Rails is like a rounded rectangle and PHP is like a ball of nails.”—self quote

And here, a quote/teaser from my talk:

“When I say that PHP is a ball of nails, basically, PHP is just this piece of shit thatyou just put together—put all the parts together—and you throw it against the walland it fucking sticks.”—Me, The Internet is an Ogre: Finding Art in the Software Architecture

“I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve donewritten.”

“Come, Padawan. Your fall will be my ascension to the Sith.”

Admit it, you almost started cussing.

Hey, DHH!

“Twisted by the dark side, young RoRdeveloper has become. The boy you trained,gone he is… consumed by Darth Vader.”

C’mon (back) over to the Dark Side. We’re the only programming religion that sacrifices ourown for a cheap joke. Trust me, when you try scaling your web apps, it’s either this oralcoholism:

Marco, This is what you get for trying to pull a Big BrotherBill Gates

And for those of you who still don’t get this article, I have these two words for you… (come tomy talk and find out what they really are).

Come see me talk at ZendCon! And if you’re too cheap (I totally relate), then sign up for thefree H2.O (Happy Hour 2.0 at ZendCon) and say hi!

Postscript

Thanks to everyone who attended my talk at PHP|Works. (The check is in the mail.)

I’d also like to thank the Academy, and, of course, John Dvorak.

And, if I didn’t drop the F-bomb enough this time, please click this link. (Don’t worry, it’s not agoatse. There are some lines I won’t cross—yellow ones, for instance.)

1 Since “I draw the line at yellow,” I’ll pre-empt Patrick and say that only an asian would haveconfounded LOLCATS into RORCATS.

[tags]PHP, internet architecture, software architecture, blood, sweat, swear, alcohol, Ruby, Rubyon Rails, Star Wars, Lunch 2.0, ZendCon, porn stash, CD Baby, LOLCATS, RORCATS, DavidHeinemeier Hansson, DHH, John Dvorak, David Kellogg, Shawn Lauriat, Patrick Reilly, ChrisShiflett, Chris Jones, Ben Ramsey, Cal Evans, Ed Finkler, Andrew Collington, jmoon, JeremyJohnstone, Dereck Sivers, Sean Coates, Sebastian Bergmann[/tags]

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Comments (44)Sort by: Date Rating Last Activity

· 119 weeks ago

You're a true american hero. I think it was "But our lord and savior DHH says..." that made my day.

Wednseday was a good day for Lunch 2.0, I planted a few gems in the minds of the people

Everyone else networks & I spend all my time being cruel...

· 119 weeks ago

Terry I expected you among all to make it even clearer why Derek isn't like you. All that Derek said is that he doesn'tlike frameworks and without a framework he might as well stick with PHP, since all his other apps were alreadyusing PHP. He did not really say anything about Ruby either.

It just sounds like he is someone that prefers reinventing the wheel for 2 months only to then find out that everyfeature he wants to add takes a week instead of adding a call to a library/framework he is using.

· 119 weeks ago

http://devzone.zend.com/article/2563-ZendCon-Upda...

There, happy, the minimum required 3 mentions of Terry Chay!

=C=

developercast.com » O’Reilly Ruby Blog: 7 reasons I switched back to PHP after 2 years on Rails[...] Terry Chay - “Why PHP triumphs over Ruby” [...]

· 119 weeks ago

ReportReply

0tychay

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0tychay

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0tychay

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0Ed Finkler

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@Blake: Don’t you mean I’m a Real Man of Genius? They changed it after 9/11.

@Lukas: Stay tuned for my actual Ruby bash is another article. It delves into why frameworks are my old nemesis…Oh yeah, and it has girls kissing each other.

· 119 weeks ago

Michael finds my secret porn stash!

· 119 weeks ago

Cal Evans is so offended by this post he replaces my name with Joel Splotsky.

Damn! The irony. Joel on Software’s post on rewrites was quoted no less than three times in the CDBaby articlecomments.

Another funny thing is the article I was supposed to write actually talks about Django and Python. More proof that Iwrote things out of order.

Code a Day » Terry Chay: Why PHP triumphs over Ruby[...] [Do not hit the jump if you are easily offended. I really mean it!] [...]

PHPRomania Blog » Blog Archive » PHP vs Ruby[...] - “Is there anything Rails can do that PHP cannot do? *No.*” * Terry Chay - “Why PHP triumphs over Ruby” *Jeff Moore - “Ruby versus PHP or There and Back [...]

· 119 weeks ago

Morten Fangel blogs this. The check is in the mail.

· 119 weeks ago

"All that Derek said is that he doesn’t like frameworks and without a framework he might as well stick with PHP,since all his other apps were already using PHP."

That's not what I took from Derek's post. He seemed to like Rails a lot, but it wasn't a great match for what heneeded to do. He praises Rails, though, and states that he may use it in the future. I can't see how that would indicatedislike for frameworks in general.

0denny

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0Shawn Lauriat

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0Luke Welling

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0Ruby Fan Boy

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· 119 weeks ago

funny, i laugh! you are my php hero

· 119 weeks ago

I only had to get permission to put you in the book acknowledgements, since I don't think I could possibly mentionyou anywhere without at least one bit of profanity.

Lunch 2.0 » H2.0: Lunch 2.0 Happy Hour at ZendCon at SFO[...] (Note, if you are a conference attendee, you don’t have to RSVP, but check out my talk there) [...]

· 119 weeks ago

I guess you have more friends on digg than reddit.

But I am still not clear on one thing. Will it scale?

PHP Podcasts » Pro::PHP Newscast (Sep 27, 2007)[...] new release http://hades.phparch.com/hermes/public/viewnews/?id=3507 Why PHP Trounces Rubyhttp://terrychay.com/blog/article/php-ruby-evil-good.shtml, http://www.oreillynet.com/ruby/blog/2007/09/7_reasons_i_switched_back_to_p_1.html Why should I [...]

The Woodwork » Blog Archive » Battle wounds[...] The Woodwork You tell that other boy, not to touch the woodwork… « Why PHP triumphs over Ruby [...]

GSIY … Ruby-Rails Portal[...] http://terrychay.com/blog/article/php-ruby-evil-good.shtml [...]

· 118 weeks ago

Yeah, I have a response... What?

All Night Coder - Today’s Top Blog Posts on Programming - Powered by SocialRank[...] The Woodwork » Blog Archive » Why PHP triumphs over Ruby [...]

» Why I switched to Rails and back to PHP in one day[...] As a sensitive new-age guy, I can appreciate the subjective love people have for Rails. Since Rails is an Ogre, andan Ogre is made of onions, I pealed this onion to see its insides. Here is my minute-by-minute [...]

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PavingWays - web applications on (mobile) devices : Lunch 2.0 at FamilyOven 09/25/2007[...] met Christen from thumbble, Terry Chay (Lunch 2.0 organizer and PHP hero), [...]

· 118 weeks ago

Actually, what I’m saying is PHP is Evil and Ruby is Good, and Evil will always triumph over Good because Goodis dumb.

GSIY … Ruby-Rails Portal[...] http://terrychay.com/blog/article/php-ruby-evil-good.shtml [...]

The Woodwork » Blog Archive » At ZendCon tomorrow - see my talk, drink their drink[...] earlier, I’ll be giving my talk on “The Internet is an Ogre” tomorrow at 10 AM. It’s a fun talk so you better go seeit! (Besides, if everyone goes to this, I’ll have satisfied my life-long [...]

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