WORKAHOLICS

"Of Drugs and Dealers"

written by

Brad Cook

COLD OPEN

INT. ANDERS CAR - MORNING

The guys drive to work. R. Kellys ignition remix blasts through the speakers.

ADAM bounces emphatically. ANDERS stares ahead like a zombie. BLAKE sits unhappily in the back seat with sunglasses on. He shouts over the music.

BLAKECan you turn it down? Im not even up yet, and those Brain Blasters are still doing their job.

Adam turns the volume down slightly.

ADAMIts never too early for R. Kelly, bro. Just ask that chick he peed on.

Anders looks over.

ANDERSAdam, you have no idea the kind of stress Robert was under.

Anders stares solemnly forward.

ANDERS (CONTD)The rap games hard on a man.

ADAMWhatever you say, Anders Three-Thousand. Blake, I got a little something to fix those ears, buddy.

Adam beckons him closer.

Blake pulls down his sunglasses skeptically.

ADAM (CONTD)Do you trust me, dude?

BLAKENo.

Adam faces forward.

ADAMAll right, then. Your loss.

BLAKEWait!

Blake puts his glasses back on, leans forward slowly.

BLAKE (CONTD)Do what you must.

Adam turns around, reaching into Blakes hair. After a moment of exploring he pulls out a blunt.

ADAMAbra-cadabra.

ANDERSDude, you say that to make something appear. Not after.

They start to argue.

ADAMOh so youre a rapper AND a magician now, Ders?

ANDERSYes, Adam. Rapper, magician, top salesman in the office, and so much more.

ADAMThats only because Montez went on vacation! But hes back now, Ders, and hes gonna--

BLAKEGentlemen!

Blake holds the blunt forward.

BLAKE (CONTD)I dont know why it was in my hair, but this is a thing of peace. Sully her not with your petty grievances.

Adam and Aders look at each other, speak over each other.

ANDERSIm sorry, man.

ADAMI love you, dude.

BLAKEGood. Now wheres my light?

"Epidode Title" 2.

Adam sparks up the blunt. Blake puffs on it. His face contorts as he coughs.

BLAKE (CONTD)Adam! Mids? What is this, high school?!

ADAMYeah, couldnt really get a hold of Karl. Had to settle for the schwag.

BLAKEYou mustve dialed the wrong number. Karl always answers...

Blake shrugs, hits the blunt again.

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

INT. THE OFFICE - LATER

The guys hobble awkwardly into the office. Most of the cubicles are empty.

ANDERSWhat is it, Senior-Citizen Skip Day?

Anders laughs to himself. Adam shakes his head.)

BLAKENot a good one.

They saunter to their cubicle, sit down.

ANDERSWell guys, time to start being the best. In the office, but elsewhere, too.

He kicks his feet back.

ANDERS (CONTD)In the pool, on the court, on the mic. The list goes on.

"Epidode Title" 3.

ADAMKeep talking, bro, because Montez is gonna--

Montez stands up in his cubicle.

ADAM (CONTD)There he is! Tell Ders what youre gonna do to his record, Montez.

Montez walks away obliviously, grumbles to himself.

MONTEZFirst day back and she wanna call a meeting, like my heads in the game or something, my heads still on the beach...

Anders eyes go wide.

ANDERSWhat did he say about a meeting?

BLAKEI heard something about a meeting.

ADAMI wonder what Alice is wearing today.

They get up, follow Montez to the back of the office. They pass the conference room, then follow him into the break room. Montez heads straight for a box of donuts, opens it.

MONTEZGood morning, ladies.

He grabs one, takes a bite. The door finally closes behind Adam, the last one through. He turns around, sees the guys.

MONTEZ (CONTD)(mouth full of donut)

What the hell?

BLAKEIs this a breakfast meeting? Where is everyone?

MONTEZThis look like the conference room?

ANDERSWhy are you here enjoying a... delicious donut... if everyone else is in a meeting?

"Epidode Title" 4.

Montez takes offense.

MONTEZHey, some people smoke, some drink, I chew donuts! Keeps me sharp.

He calms down a bit.

MONTEZ (CONTD)You can have one. Just leave me four.

Adam opens the box.

ADAMAre these all jelly-filled?

Anders looks at the donut box, then away.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

ALICE, JILLIAN, WAYMOND, a few others sit at the table. Montez enters the room, followed by Anders, Blake, Adam.

ALICEOh, good. Now that all of our esteemed employees have decided to show up, we can begin.

They sit, then notice that KARL is sitting next to Alice. Hes dressed nicely, shaven, his hair perfectly combed. Blake looks shocked, Adam looks confused, Anders looks mad.

BLAKEKar--

Karl subtly makes a cut it out sign.

BLAKE (CONTD)--s Two was the worst Pixar movie, dont you think?

Blake smiles, looks around, forces a laugh.

JILLIANI was on the fence about it, but Larry really brought it home.

ALICEIf you children are done discussing cartoons, Ill get right down to it: you are all pathetic.

Awkward silence.

"Epidode Title" 5.

ALICE (CONTD)Sales this month are worse than ever. In fact, if you look at this chart of the past few months, theres a pretty distinct downward trend.

She motions to a chart with a plunging diagonal line.

ALICE (CONTD)Hell, the only one with any record to speak of is Holmvik, and thats only because Montez went on vacation.

ADAMTold you, Ders.

ALICEShut up. Now, for some enhanced motivation, I have hired Kyle, here.

Blake mouths the word kyle confusedly. Alice stands up, moves behind Karl.

ALICE (CONTD)Kyle, here, is a straight shooter, a real professional. Hes got years of sales experience under his belt.

She puts her hands on Karls shoulders, rubs them gently. Adam leans forward jealously.

ALICE (CONTD)I have no doubt that he will be an asset to our... team.

She circles the table.

ALICE (CONTD)But, since we hired someone, we have to fire someone.

Jillian gasps. Montez holds his head. Blake puts his head down.

MONTEZI need another donut.

ALICELook, the economy is shit and you guys arent helping. We just dont have the cash for another employee.

Anders points to Karl.

"Epidode Title" 6.

ANDERSThen whyd you hire him?

ALICESomething just told me it was the right thing to do. Plus he has more experience than all of you combined. Good enough? Doesnt matter.

She walks to the door, holds it open.

ALICE (CONTD)Whoever has the lowest sales at weeks end is out. Now get back to work.

Alice walks out. They sit, speechless.

ADAMWow. We must really suck.

Montez kicks his chair. It goes nowhere, stuck on the carpet.

INT. THE GUYS CUBICLE - MOMENTS LATER

Blake leans forward, elbows on his knees. Adam reads a how-to massage book. ANDERS sits relaxedly.

BLAKEThis is it. I knew it was coming. Time to get a real job. In the real world.

Blake looks at Adam, Anders.

BLAKE (CONTD)Im sorry, did you guys learn something in college? Because I sure as hell didnt.

ANDERSI honed my beer pong craft to perfection. Thats gotta count for something. Im not really worried, though. Top salesman, remember?

Anders flashes a smile. Adam slams his book closed.

ADAM(to Blake)

One of us is gonna get fired. But we dont have to. Ive been reading this book for like a week, and Im totally ready to take it to the next level.

Adam holds it up for Blake to see.

"Epidode Title" 7.

BLAKEIm pretty sure youre not qualified at any professional level.

ADAMThats the beauty of lying, bro. Ask yourself: what does any chick want more than a massage?

ANDERSYoure an idiot. What in the hell is Karl doing here?

BLAKENo wonder he didnt answer his phone. Thats just bad service. Im gonna go talk to him.

Blake walks away.

ADAMWell, I got my business plan. This job blows, anyway.

ANDERSGive me a call when you get to jail, Ill bail you out. If I have the time.

Anders gets up, follows Blake. Adam opens his book.

INT. KARLS CUBICLE - MOMENTS LATER

BLAKEWhat do you mean youre done dealing?

KARLYou dont wanna know why I have a job here and everyones calling me Kyle?

ANDERSI do.

BLAKEHey, priorities, man. Where am I supposed to find (good weed here)?

KARLEvery twenty feet, Blake. Were in California.

BLAKEYeah, but Im scared of drug dealers.

Karl looks at him, hurt.

"Epidode Title" 8.

BLAKE (CONTD)Youre a friend first. Or at least I thought you were. Youre leaving me not high and dry!

Anders analyzes Karls suit.

ANDERSThe double-breast on your blazer is classy, but loafers and chinos? Bold choice on the first day. Still, you could learn a thing or two.

KARLI just thought the dummy at the Salvation Army looked good.

ANDERSYou mean the mannequin?

KARL(frustrated)

Even your words are dressed up... how do you do that?

ANDERSOne must be born with it.

Karl looks disappointed.

ANDERS (CONTD)But if youre interested, I could lend my expertise.

KARLTeach me, my grasshopper.

Blake throws up his arms in exasperation. Karl turns around to his desk, grabs a piece of paper. He scribbles a name and a phone number, hands it to Blake.

KARL (CONTD)See her, and you will be like me.

Blake looks at the paper.

BLAKEAgnes?

"Epidode Title" 9.

ACT TWO

INT. THE HOUSE - LATER

Adam dresses up their beer pong table as a massage table. Blake lays on the couch.

BLAKEWhat do you say to a dealer named Agnes? Thanks for the milk and cookies, now can I get my drugs and go?

Adam flips open the massage book, ignoring Blake.

BLAKE (CONTD)What if she wants me to do some work around the house for her? You cant say no to that.

Blake notices Adams obliviousness.

BLAKE (CONTD)I cant believe youre serious about this. You think anyone will actually come? Theyd have to be nuts.

ADAMAlready got a client. It took seventeen minutes from the moment I posted my ad on Craigslist.

BLAKEWhere did you get your credentials, Adam, the Yale School of Massage?

Adam looks confused.

ADAMYeah, bro, did you go there, too?

Blake shakes his head.

"Epidode Title" 10.

BLAKETime to face the music. Im heading out.

Adam lights candles around the table as Blake walks out the door. a hot girl approaches Blake as he leaves.

BLAKE (CONTD)You here for the massage?

GIRLI thought I was. Is this Adams Sensual Palace?

Blake smiles.

BLAKEYouve come to the right place. Adams a real professional. Just head inside.

GIRLCool, thanks.

She walks to the door. Blake pulls out his phone, texts Im impressed! to Adam.

INT. THE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

The girl walks inside, closes the door. Adam lights candles.

ADAMWell hello. Welcome to my palace. Look around, you can see how sensual it is.

JENNAHi, Im Jenna.

Adam grabs her hand to shake it, then leans down, kisses it. She pulls back fast.

JENNA (CONTD)What are you doing?

ADAMJust making your lovely acquaintance, Jenna. Now, if youd like to remove any clothing before we begin--

Adams phone goes off. The tone is a woman moaning sexually over typical porn music. Jenna is nonplussed. Adam, not so much.

ADAM (CONTD)Just a text. Like I was saying...

"Epidode Title" 11.

JENNAI think Ill stay clothed. Youre not gonna get weird, are you?

ADAMDont take this the wrong way, but getting weird is kind of my thing.

Adam grabs a beer can off the table, chugs it.

JENNAGetting kinda uncomfortable. This place seems more like a rape cave than a sensual palace.

Adam chuckles.

ADAMHey, its not rape if youre paying for it, right? Okay! Lets get started.

Jenna laughs nervously, sits on the table. It creaks loudly.

ADAM (CONTD)Careful with the old girl.

Adam slaps the table.

ADAM (CONTD)Shes not used to holding more than a few pints.

JENNAThis just keeps getting better.

Jenna lays back hesitantly.

ADAMSo, where should we start?

JENNAWell my lower back has been tight recently.

ADAMButt area, excellent. Ive always been an ass man, personally.

Jenna sits up.

"Epidode Title" 12.

JENNAAll right, Im pretty sure I could sue you for at least three types of sexual harassment at this point.

ADAMWhoa, whoa, calm down. Here, I have the perfect music to relax you.

Adam steps over to the radio, presses play on an iPod. Boyz 2 Mens Ill Make love to you caresses the airwaves.

JENNAThats about enough for me.

She stands up, walks to the door. adam admires her ass as she leaves.

JENNA (CONTD)Thanks for nothing, you creep.

ADAMTell your friends!

Jenna slams the door closed.

INT. TAILOR - LATER

Anders and Karl stand in the measuring room.

ANDERSYou have no idea how much I used to hate you.

KARLReally?

ANDERSYeah. I mean you smelled like Christmas farts, you were physically dirty. Plus, I thought you mightve been a pedophile.

KARLI have started bathing more regularly.

ANDERSAnd it shows. The Don Draper hair-part is a nice touch, too.

KARLDon who?

Anders sighs.

"Epidode Title" 13.

ANDERSWell get there.

The tailor, a small, old Italian man, enters the room.

TAILORWho gets measure?!

They stand silently.

ANDERSHe gets measure. Like any self-respecting gentleman, I know my numbers.

TAILORStand up here.

Karl steps up onto the platform. The tailor starts measuring.

ANDERSI cant believe you told Alice you had all that sales experience. She didnt question you on it?

KARLDude, I was a dealer. What better sales experience could there be?

The tailor stops measuring.

KARL (CONTD)I said was.

The tailor eyes Karl skeptically as he measures.

KARL (CONTD)I think what really got me the job was my clothes. Who wouldnt trust a man in that jacket?

ANDERSWhile you do look trustworthy for the first time in your life, its competitive over at the office. Your numbers have to look as good as your clothes.

KARLIts not easy. I ended up on the phone for two hours with Mr. Chikowicz.

The tailor finishes, walks away.

"Epidode Title" 14.

ANDERSYeah, you gotta watch out for him.

KARLBefore I knew it, I had bought a patio set from Mrs. Taglione.

ANDERSWell, youre lucky to be under my wing. Im ready to pass on my tried-and-true sales tactic, the Holmvik Method.

The tailor walks back into the room.

TAILOROh, you still here? We closed now. Come for numbers tomorrow.

ANDERSWhat? How can we go shopping if my man doesnt know his numbers?

KARLAnders, the man has a business to run. We have to respect that.

Anders fixes his tie.

ANDERSYoure right. Take the high road. What we should be focusing on are your people skills. Try saying goodbye to the gentleman.

KARLAddio mio amico. Buona giornata!

TAILORBene! Anche voi.

ANDERSThe hell?

EXT. AGNES HOUSE - LATER

Blake leans his bike against the garage, ascends the porch. He hesitates, then knocks. A sweet old lady opens the door.

AGNESOh! You must be Blake. Karl told me to watch for a mess of hair.

Blake laughs with relief.

"Epidode Title" 15.

BLAKEI certainly do have that.

He sniffs the air. Blake becomes infatuated with the scent.

AGNESYes, youre just in time for my famous brownies.

BLAKEWhat are they famous for?

Agnes smiles coyly.

AGNESTry one, youll see. Come in.

She walks inside. Blake follows a few steps behind. The interior has a reserved seventies feel, shag carpet and all.

AGNES (CONTD)Sit down.

Blake sits on a couch. She takes a seat across from him, grabs a cigar box off the table between them.

AGNES (CONTD)I only give this stuff out once, so enjoy it.

She pulls a long blunt out of the box. Blake lights up.

BLAKE(emotionally)

You have righted a wrong, you beautiful woman.

Agnes laughs as she lights the blunt hanging from her lips.

AGNESHavent been called that in a while. Taste.

She hands it to Blake. He puffs it, closes his eyes. He starts to fall back into the couch without realizing. Agnes subtly exits the room.

BLAKEOh, Jesus save me.

Blake opens his eyes to the empty room, looks around.

BLAKE (CONTD)Am I dreaming?

"Epidode Title" 16.

Agnes walks into the room with a plate of perfect brownies.

AGNESNow, you wont be operating any heavy machinery any time soon, will you?

BLAKEI hope so, that sounds like fun.

She sits, sets the brownies on the table. Blake grabs one.

AGNESHavent changed the recipe for fifty years. The secret is, put the peanut butter in the batter, not on top.

Blake bites into it, savors it. He immediately takes another bite as his eyes go wide.

AGNES (CONTD)Those brownies have literally changed peoples lives.

BLAKEI actually could see that.

Agnes sits back proudly.

AGNESYou know George Carlin?

BLAKEAre you kidding? The man was a legend.

AGNESI remember when he wore suits and shaved his face. Oh, he was so cute back then. That was all before the brownies, of course.

Blakes jaw drops very slowly in disbelief.

BLAKEYour brownies are THE brownies? The Lenny-Bruce-years brownies?

AGNESGoodness, Lenny. He was a character.

Agnes looks away sentimentally.

AGNES (CONTD)The brightest ones burn out the fastest, unfortunately.

"Epidode Title" 17.

A stoney silence from Blake.

BLAKEYouve been awesome for more than twice my life.

AGNESWell, the drug money pays for the bills, and the drugs take care of the rest.

INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING

Blake and Adam sit satisfied on the couch. Blake hugs a large bag of weed.

ADAMI was feelin all up on her boobies, and her booty. She loved it. Loved it.

BLAKESounds sensual.

ADAMExactly! I officially have the best job ever. Im basically a legend now.

BLAKEWell, I think Im going to have to disagree.

ADAMI touch girls for a living dude. If theres anything better than that, theres not.

Blake holds the big bag forward.

BLAKELook at what Im holding. In my hands. This is a bag of happiness.

ADAMCant bang a bag of weed, bro.

BLAKEQuit thinking with your boner and think with your heart, Adam. This is love, not lust.

Anders and Karl enter the house. Each has a stack of clothes draped over his shoulder.

"Epidode Title" 18.

ANDERSHello, plebeians. Hows the commoners life treating you?

ADAMSince when are you gay for Karl, Ders? Did you blow the salesman to get those clothes, too?

ANDERSListen, Kyle here has more fashion sense and business smarts than both of you. Im grooming him to be my number two, and together, one day well own that office.

Blake strokes the bag of weed as he speaks.

BLAKEThats good, thats a good idea, man. You two keep slaving at that hell hole, and Adam and I will enjoy our newfound careers.

ANDERSI gotta admit, thats pretty tempting. But our corporate jet will be filled with bags twice that size. Its all about the long-term, baby.

Anders walks to his room.

KARL(to Blake)

I see you met Agnes.

BLAKEThe only thing I dont like about her is that shes not my real grandma.

KARLGood, because I have a few customers stopping by my place in an hour. Youll probably want to be there.

BLAKECant you just tell them to stop here?

ADAMWhoa, dude. This is a place of business, now. You gotta take your sketchy dealings elsewhere.

"Epidode Title" 19.

BLAKEDo you have keys? How do I get in?

KARLNope. No locks on the doors.

Blake is dumbfounded.

KARL (CONTD)Yeah, landlord doesnt trust me very much. Im kind of spotty with the rent.

He stands angrily.

BLAKEFine! Im going! But Im bringing a little protection just in case.

Blake grabs his samurai sword and bag of weed, heads to the door.

KARLYou probably shouldnt go riding your bike with a samurai sword and a bag of weed. Especially not in my neighborhood!

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE - LATER

Blake sweats, breathes heavily as he rides his bike in the hot sun. A hockey bag dangles awkwardly from his shoulder.

INT. KARLS HOUSE - LATER

Blake walks inside, slumps onto a couch. He opens the bag, throws the weed on the table, sets the sword across his lap.

Blake waits nervously. He looks down at the sword in his lap.

BLAKEKind of like a Bond villain.

He chuckles to himself. The door busts open as two big FRAT GUYS burst in. They slam the door behind them, then swagger over to Blake.

FRAT GUYSup, bru?

FRAT GUY 2Nice blade.

"Epidode Title" 20.

FRAT GUYWheres Karl?

BLAKEUh... Karl works an office job, now. Im Blake, the new guy.

FRAT GUYOh, shit! New guy! We gotta haze you!

Blake grasps the sword in his lap.

FRAT GUY 2Relax, hes kidding. Were against hazing. Its a disrespectful and dehumanizing practice.

FRAT GUYLearn the order, new guy. Were regulars.

FRAT GUY 2Three ounces a week. If youll weigh it out, well pay you and be done with the business side of things.

Blake stares at the analog scale on the table, baffled.

FRAT GUYWe got it, new guy.

They grab three one-ounce weights, place them on one side, a handful of weed on the other.

FRAT GUY (CONTD)First try! God damn Im smart.

FRAT GUY 2Brought our own bag.

He pulls one out of his pocket, slides the buds in.

FRAT GUY 2 (CONTD)Now, we partake.

BLAKEWe do?

FRAT GUY 2We do.

Frat Guy 2 pulls out a grinder and a big bud. He grinds it up, dumps it on the table.

"Epidode Title" 21.

FRAT GUY 2 (CONTD)Wheres the piece?

BLAKEOh, I know.

He pulls it out from a drawer below the table.

FRAT GUYThat the biggest bowl you got?

Blake opens other drawers, rifles through them.

BLAKEI guess so.

FRAT GUY 2Well, we got that covered, too.

Frat Guy 2 reaches into a different pocket, pulls out a huge bowl.

BLAKEDude, thats the mouthpiece from a Tuba. Ders played in middle school.

FRAT GUY Yeah, its the only one big enough that we can find.

The front door opens. Three blonde girls walk in.

FRAT GUY (CONTD)Damn, finally! Whens Jeff coming with the acid?

GIRLHes in traffic, he said 20 or less if hes lucky.

Blake smiles broadly.

INT. THE GUYS CUBICLE - MORNING

Anders sits at his desk on the phone, Karl sits at Blakes. Adams is empty.

ANDERSPerfect! All we need now is your information. My associate, Kyle, will take care of the rest, if you dont mind.

Anders listens.

"Epidode Title" 22.

ANDERS (CONTD)No, thank you.

Anders hits the hold button.

ANDERS (CONTD)All right, dude. You have no sales so far.

Karl licks his lips, looks up at Anders proudly.)

KARLSome might call that an untarnished record.

ANDERSNo one in business!

Anders closes his eyes, breathes deeply.

ANDERS (CONTD)Now this should be an easy win for you, and a big win for the company. Itll look great to Alice. Just get their info.

Anders hands Karl the phone.

KARLGot it.

Karl presses the receiver button instead of the hold button.

KARL (CONTD)Yello?

Anders jumps forward, grabs the phone and re-dials.

ANDERSJesus, man!

(into the phone)Mr. Janowski, Im so sorry! We mustve crossed lines. Heres Kyle for your information.

Anders slowly hands the phone to Karl. He tilts his head, gives Karl the stink eye.

KARL(suddenly professional, into the phone)

Hello, Mr. Janowski. How are you today?

"Epidode Title" 23.

Anders makes the not bad face.)

KARL (CONTD)(facetiously)

Glad to hear it. Lets get started on this paperwork, okay? How much manure, and which type, would you like?

Karl smiles plastically, gives Anders a thumbs up.

KARL (CONTD)All right, well sir, let me just check my charts.

Karl Ruffles some papers on his desk.

KARL (CONTD)The price Im showing here is way too much for just some cow shit.

Anders lunges forward, grabs the charts.

KARL (CONTD)Hell, Ill come shit for you for twenty dollars. You got a Taco Bell near you?

Anders stands, stunned, jaw hanging.

KARL (CONTD)Can I ask what youre using it for?

Karl listens intently.

KARL (CONTD)Listen, Mr. Janowski, if that is your real name. I use this same stuff, myself. Its cool. I get it. And Buffalo Berry doesnt even grow in California. Its a Great Plains fruit.

Karl Pulls out his duct-tape wallet, filled with business cards. He finds a specific one, pulls it out.

KARL (CONTD)Lets cut the middle-man here. I can supply you for cheaper than you can grow it. Im a businessman. Its what I do.

Karl looks off in a crystallizing moment.

KARL (CONTD)Its what I do...

"Epidode Title" 24.

INT. THE HOUSE - LATER

Adam relaxes on the couch, reads a magazine called Trippy Girls.

ADAM(genuinely interested)

Her perspective is fascinating.

Adam turns the page.

ADAM (CONTD)And so are her tits! Oh, trippy girls...

An impatient knock at the door. Adam glances at a blank piece of paper with only the word Appointments on it.

ADAM (CONTD)The bitches love me so much they dont even set appointments. Cant say it surprises me.

Adam gets up to open the door, but the door flies open. A burly, unkempt woman with a stained white t-shirt busts in and stares hard, speaking in an absurd country drawl.

LURLEENThere they is. Theres them eyes.

ADAMWhat are you doing here? Do you need directions or something?

LURLEENThe cardboard sign outside says Adams Sensual Palace, so I know Im in the right place. Youre just as pretty as you looked. Mmm.

ADAMOhhh, uh, the massages. Adam is... out right now. Hes actually a drug dealer. Hes making a drug deal right now. The Palace is just a front for the weed trade.

LURLEENOh good, two birds, one stone.

Lurleen plops onto the couch, lays down with shoes still on.

ADAMIs that...

"Epidode Title" 25.

Adam gags.

ADAM (CONTD)Is that dog shit?

Lurleen rolls over on the couch, exposing a brown smear on her pants.

ADAM (CONTD)Oh, no. No, no, no.

LURLEENAw, shoot. Kevin mustve backed one out on the couch again.

Adam shakes his head incredulously.

ADAMYour son pooped on your couch?!

LURLEENOf course not! Kevin is my cat.

ADAMCats use litter boxes!

LURLEENKevins a free spirit. I dont set no boundaries for him. It limits his potential.

ADAMWell as of right now, that couch is out of bounds for you.

Lurleen grumbles as she gets up. A brown stain is left behind on the couch.

LURLEEN(sensually)

Guess I should just take these off, then...

Adam jumps forward, tries to push Lurleen into the couch. He misses, face-plants into her ass as she pulls down her pants.

INT. ALICES OFFICE - LATER

Karl walks into Alices office with Anders behind him.

ALICEIm glad youre here, I was just going to get my guillotine ready.

"Epidode Title" 26.

KARLLady, this job isnt for me.

ANDERSI think what he means is--

ALICEI know what he means, Anders. Mr. Janowski, one of the FEW reliable customers we still have, called me to say that he didnt need our partnership anymore because he got the hook up from Karl.

Anders laughs nervously.

ANDERSWhos Karl?

KARLIm Karl, and I hooked him up on point. Why would I go out of my way to solicit sales when I have a product that sells itself? Its bad economics, Alice. Im going back to the good life.

Anders looks at Karl sadly.

ANDERSI really thought we had something going here, dude.

He puts a hand on Anderss shoulder.

KARLIt was based on lies. No good relationship can grow from that.

ALICETake your Lifetime bromance and get out of my office. And tell your two stupid friends they can have their jobs back if and only if they show up tomorrow.

INT. KARLS HOUSE - LATER

Blake wakes up with two blonde twins on either side of him. he looks at them, sighs relievedly.

BLAKEBeautiful babies. So the giant serpent didnt eat them. Huh.

"Epidode Title" 27.

Anders and Karl bust in through the front door. Blake screams. The two girls wake up and scream, too.

BLAKE (CONTD)You cant just come up on a man like that. I got people that wanna end me!

KARLWheres your blade?

BLAKEI cant slice n dice with beautiful babies on my arms, can I?

KARLComes with the territory.

(to the girls)Hazel, Haley, excuse us.

The girls cover themselves with the blanket as they stand, walk away. Blake is left lying on the couch in girls underwear.

BLAKE(sheepishly)

See, we were fighting this serpent...

ANDERSKyle here decided to bail on his job, so you two are back in if you show up tomorrow.

BLAKEWhy would I show up? I have the best job ever, despite what Adam says.

KARLYou had the best job ever. Ill take it back, now.

Karl simultaneously leaps over the back of the couch, pushes Blake off. He lands laying down.

KARL (CONTD)(to Blake)

Hazel and Haley will see to the panties. Tell them I said to give Ders my suits. I wont be needing them.

BLAKECould I at least get a quarter real quick, then?

"Epidode Title" 28.

EXT. THE HOUSE - LATER

Blake and Anders approach the house.

BLAKEI dont know, dude. Adams Sensual Palace seems like a hit. He might not want to come back.

ANDERSI wouldnt worry about getting Adam back. I have a feeling hell be more than happy to return to work.

Blake stops at the front door, stares at Anders.

ANDERS (CONTD)Lets just say that his clientele cant consist solely of hunnies.

Anders grabs the doorknob, opens the door.

ADAMHit it! Hit it harder!

Adam is tied up on the beer pong table wearing only underwear. Lurleen repeatedly smacks his boner with a fly swatter.

ADAM (CONTD)You gotta hit it on the side, too. On the side.

Anders and Blake stand, horrified.

LURLEENDont you tell me how to do the Summertime Swat! I been swattin guys since you were up in your daddy. You may even been a swat product, for all you know.

BLAKEAdam! Why?!

Adam sees them in the doorway, emits a girly scream.

ADAMI mean... get off me, crazy ass woman!

Adam blows air hard in her direction. Lurleen understands, looks down at Adam.

"Epidode Title" 29.

LURLEENHoney, Ive had better men than you at family reunions. Youre all bark.

Lurleen starts toward the door, flyswatter in hand, sans pants.

LURLEEN (CONTD)Im keeping the swatter, too. Theres a thick, black fog in my kitchen I gotta take care of.

BLAKEOh no you dont!

Blake steps toward Lurleen, but Anders holds him back.

ANDERSDude. Let it go. Our flies deserve better.

Lurleen walks past them out the door. Anders, Blake wrinkle their noses in disgust. Adam speaks, still tied to the table.

ADAMWow. So that happened. Right?...

Blake, Anders walk toward the table. Lurleens pants lie folded on the ground. They dont notice.

ADAM (CONTD)DERS IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE DO NOT--

Anders steps squarely in the cat poop on Lurleens pants.

ANDERSWhose sweatpants are--

Anders lifts his foot. A fine spread of cat shit lines the bottom.

ADAMJust a disgusting woman.

Anders immediately pukes into his hand, hops one-legged to the bathroom.

ADAM (CONTD)(to Blake)

She tied me up, bro. Overpowered me.

Blake begins untying Adam.

"Epidode Title" 30.

BLAKEThats Craigslist for you. Cracked out cat poop rednecks. Although I gotta say, for a body builder to be overpowered by someone of her stature... its kind of embarrassing.

ADAMI lied. I wanted the swat.

BLAKEChanging up the story now, huh.

Adams arms freed, he sits up and flexes.

ADAMYou know this body could never be bested by anyone below seventies Schwarzenegger status.

BLAKEListen, man. This sensual palace is a breeding ground for lawsuits and old bags.

ADAMI dont think you understand, dude. This is my career. Thats a life-long commitment.

BLAKEAlice said were not fired if we show up tomorrow.

ADAMIm in. You ever get that good shit from Karl?

Blake pulls a fat bag of weed from his pocket, grins broadly.

BLAKESeverance package.

Adam hops down from the table, folds it in half. A tackle box with blunt wraps, papers, a grinder is attached to it.

ADAMIve got your instruments ready, doctor.

BLAKEWhite Grape, stat!

END OF SHOW

"Epidode Title" 31.