WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations January 29, 2014 Samuel P. Jenkins, MBA OD Consultant - Applied Leadership

WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series

Difficult ConversationsJanuary 29, 2014

Samuel P. Jenkins, MBAOD Consultant - Applied Leadership

Introductions/Review

• Anyone in the class who was not here last week? If so, please introduce yourself, tell us your job, and what you’d like to get from the training

• Everyone who was in the class last week – tell us “one” thing that you learned/took away from the first session

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Communication Attributes

• Effective (per your exercise) – Clarity– Trustworthy/forthright– Collaborative – Stays on task– Transparent/direct– A good listener and speaker; eye contact– Accessible– Meets people where they are– Not derogatory

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Communication Attributes

• Ineffective (per your exercise)– Petty/nick picker– Bully/tyrant– Condescending– Rambles/mumbles– Does not acknowledge needs of others/own

agenda– Dominates the conversation– Intimidates in voice and gestures– Takes things personally

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• Authority• Responsibility• Control

Power Process

People

Factors That Can Aid or Hinder Communication

Recognition, Reward, or Blame?

Unexpected • Emotions• Expertise• Culture

• Logistics• Hand Offs• Paper Trails

• Risk Level• Support• Outcomes

2011 Annette Veech, PhD

Effective CommunicationStreamlined Competency Model*

Lead by demonstrating expectationsPlan ahead to manage riskAssess stakeholders’ perspectives (logical vs. emotional)Explain logic behind critical thinking, so all envision “one”

outcome Communicate strategically

Focus on observable behaviors; avoid references to “attitude” Listen actively without building defense; rephrase others’

perspectivesUse active voice for action; passive voice for bad news

6*2011 Annette Veech, PhD

Effective Communication Streamlined Competency Model*

Manage the difficult momentsClarify purpose and intended outcomesAcknowledge feelings; ask variations of “five whys”Reiterate, precisely and concisely, benefits of next steps

and outcomes

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*2011 Annette Veech, PhD

AS

SE

RT

IVE

NE

SS

COOPERATIVENESS

Competing Collaborating

Compromising

AccommodatingAvoiding

Two Underlying Dimensions of Conflict-Handling Behaviors

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Ideas for Communicating Precisely and Concisely

Structure What You Have to Say

• Compare to similar information

• Present new information

• “Chunk” the information

• State the most important information first

• Frame• Use “five hat racks”

(category, time, location, alpha, continuum

Plan to Increase Retention

• Simplicity• Surprise• Concreteness• Credibility• Emotion• Story• von Restorff

Effect (position unique words, concepts, images at critical points

Manage Expectations

• Cost-benefit, from all perspectives

• Ockham’s Razor (use the simplest design)

• Scarcity (exclusive information; limited access, time or number; suddenness)

Prepare for Objections

• Be aware of cognitive dissonance (mental discomfort causes people to reduce the importance or add their own spin)

• Apply progressive disclosure (offer details in layers, to avoid overload

Sources: Universal Principles of Design, by W. Lidwell, K. Holden, & J. Butler. The first six points in column two are drawn from Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point

Difficult Conversations

• Think of a conversation you had recently that was particularly difficult

• Write down three/four attributes that were present; ones that helped define the conversation as difficult

• Discuss your answers in your small group, create a composite and report to the larger group

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• Your answers - attributes of a difficult conversation– Strong personality/forces agreement– Not able to recognize something is wrong– Not enough time to process – High level of emotion/take it personal– Unexpected events– Don’t know the answer/lack of preparation– Conflict not managed– Power differential

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Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations*

• I have bad news for you– Have to deliver unwelcome information

• You are challenging my power– Boss thinks you put him/her on the spot

• I can’t go there– Conflict averse; watch conversation/relationship

go south

*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

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Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations

• You win/I lose– Despite efforts to be cooperative; the other

party needs to come out on top • What’s going on here?

– Intensely charged and extremely confusing• I’m being attacked!

– On the offensive with accusations, profanity, shouts, and perhaps worse

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Three Basic Types of Hard Talk*

• Combat mentality– The attitude that difficult conversations are

battles with winners/losers• Heavy emotional loads

– Particularly anger, embarrassment, anxiety and fear

• Hard to read what is happening– Hard to read the others’ intentions

*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate 14

Difficult Conversations - Movie Clip

• Let’s revisit the movie Ordinary People• In this scene Beth and Cal travel to see her brother

in Houston for a golf vacation• Beth and Cal are having a great time, enjoying

each other and the company of family• Remember last week, you recognized that:

– Issues have not been resolved– There is emotional dishonesty– Blame and shame

• Afterwards, we’ll relate the scene to “Hard Talk”15

Difficult Conversations*

• Bearable vs. Toxic• Three “misguided” slants on handling tough

conversations– Oversimplifying tough conversations

• Pointing to “one thing” as the problem; subject/counterpart

– Win or lose mentality• Win at my expense, payback; reluctance to back down or

repair

– Delusion of good intentions• I meant well, so this hard conversation shouldn’t happen

*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

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• What’s wrong with what we (they) do?– Each side thinks the trouble is the other side’s fault– Our counterparts use “thwarting ploys” to get us

to back off– We want to avoid confrontation– Our own emotions are in the way– Swing from pole to pole– Stick to one old standby– Resist skill

17*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate


• The way through them:– Self respect– Respect for your counterpart– Respect for the conversation itself– Balance within– Balance within the two sides– Move through the conversational landscapes– Open new possibilities

18*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate


Let’s do some work from your Primers

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• Today I learned . . .

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Back Up Charts

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What Makes a Conversation “Pay Off”

• What you want

• What he/she wants

• The Goal: Make the future “better”

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A “Good” Conversation, Albeit Difficult

• What is a good conversation?

• How you feel

• How he/she feels

• The Goal: Better understanding

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What’s At Risk in Difficult Conversations

• Your view of who you are – and his/her view

• Your self-esteem – and his/her self-esteem

• Rejection

• Relationships

• Business outcomes24

If You Are “On the Hook”

• Did you help create this problem?• Did you forget to do something? Or did you do

something?• What do you do with that “guilt”?

– Admit your part in the issue– Tell him/her your perception about what part

he/she “owns”– Try to get mutual understanding on the

problem– Go forward to solve it

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Elements of Conversations That Work

Techniques You Can Use• Open-ended

• Summarizing

• Pausing

• Reflecting

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• Concern for the other’s perspective– Be curious – ask open-ended questions– How does “it” look to him/her?

• Be an “impartial observer”– Hold your perspective aside– Be objective– Non-judgmental

• Can both of you be right?

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• Check your own feelings– Am I afraid? Angry? Worried about how

“this looks”?

• Check out assumptions – yours and his/hers– “I am right – you are wrong”– “I will lose if this doesn’t go my way”– “I (or you) want certain things . . . ”– Ask open-ended questions

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• State your perspective without judgment– Go beyond “fact finding”– Confirm perceptions, interpretations, values– Avoid blame– State “the obvious”

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• Work towards commitment and understanding

• Avoid coercion– You do not have to convince them– You cannot control their reactions

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• Once the problem is clear:– Work together to solve problems– Be a mediator– Encourage a conversation so others will

follow

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What Makes a Conversation NOT Work?

• Your own issues• Assuming “bad” things

– Bad intentions – bad person• Continuing when you should stop• Not hearing the “un-said”• Trying to control the conversation and/or

person• Placing blame

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Blaming vs. Assessing

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ACCUSING

JUDGING

BACKWARD FORWARD

CHANGING

UNDERSTANDING

How Can You Make Things Worse?

• Avoiding a conversation that is needed

• Telling others

• Being unapproachable

• Waiting for the other to change

• Holding assumptions

• Assigning motives

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Does Timing Matter?

• What are the “right” circumstances?

• The “Hit and Run” approach

• Later vs. Now

• Your feelings (and theirs)

• Relevance

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“Normal” Flow of a Conversation

• Pick the right moment• Say “I’d like to talk”• State the issue – from the “third-party” view

point• Ask questions to clarify• State your understanding, feelings, assumptions• Admit your contribution• Ask about his/her contribution• Ask what he/she could do to change things• Give and accept constructive feedback• Focus on how to move forward 36

Remember . . .

• There are no casual conversations when you are a manager

• Your words, tone, expression carry added weight

• Being “aware” is half the battle

• Awareness rests on:– Assumptions– Interactions– Interpretations– Reactions

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Final Tips

• Understanding is not agreeing

• Recover your balance in conversations (often)

• Don’t wait

• Have a long-term view – how do you want this relationship to go?

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Documents

WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations January 29, 2014 Samuel P. Jenkins, MBA OD Consultant - Applied Leadership