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You Say “Toma to,” I Say “Tomäto”Ways for Couples to Create a Shared Retirement Vision

By Kristy L. Archuleta, Ph.D., LMFT

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Many couples nearing a transitional period later in life, including those retiring or becoming empty nesters, anticipate the idyllic life depicted in glossy retirement brochures: Couples are living a stress-free life; they’re fit, youthful, and enjoying all their favorite things. It’s literally a picture-perfect chapter

of life.

For many couples, the transition to the next phase of life is everything they’d hoped for. But for others, the next chapter can be a rude awakening. Why? Because all along, each person had a different idea of what this phase would be like—but they never expressed it.

So which category will you fall into?

This worksheet can give can give you some clues and help you prepare for a successful transition. The goal of the exercise is draw out what each of you envisions, how your visions compare, and, if necessary, how you can become better aligned.

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Fill Out the Worksheet Separately

  FamilyIf you have children, grandchildren, or living parents, think about how frequently you’d like to visit them, the ways in which you may want to support them, whether you’d like to live near them, and to what extent you wish to be involved in their lives.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI would like to be close to our children and/or grandchildren 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to be close to our parents and extended family 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to support children and/or grandchildren financially 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to provide care for my grandchildren 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to provide caregiving for my/our parents 1 2 3 4 5

  Volunteering/Charity WorkVolunteering can provide a way to make a meaningful impact and develop a stronger sense of purpose. Consider how much you’d like to commit to causes that are important to you.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI would like to volunteer my time and/or participate in charity work 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to support a charity or other organization financially 1 2 3 4 5

Values

Your values are the things that you believe are important; they guide and shape your life, and they’re reflected in the way you live and work. They help determine your priorities, and, on a deeper level, they can affect how satisfied you are with your life.

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� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

As I’ve counseled couples for more than 15 years, helping them to recognize these issues and coaching them to create solutions, I’ve identified four critical areas couples should discuss as they get closer to these transitions.

The first step is to assess your visions individually. Begin by completing the worksheet as your partner or spouse fills out theirs. After you’ve both recorded your answers, identify what is most important to you in each section. Then compare how you rated each item.

Values Passions and Interests

Location Money

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Passions and Interests

Pursuing passions and interests contributes significantly to a satisfying and fulfilling life. Which ones do you wish to continue? Do you have new pursuits in mind?

  WorkRetirement used to be an artificial finish line where work ended and leisure began. But many continue to work in some capacity for social interaction, mental stimulation, and a feeling of self-worth.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI would like to work full-time 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to work part-time 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to pursue formal education to advance my skills or 1 2 3 4 5 to change my career

I would like to stop working altogether 1 2 3 4 5

  RecreationStaying both mentally and physically active can improve your quality of life. Consider which recreational activities you’d like to engage in, as well as how much demand they’ll place on your time and finances.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI enjoy recreatonal activities

I would like to engage in more or new recreational activities 1 2 3 4 5

My spouse can enjoy these recreational activities with me 1 2 3 4 5

  Friends and Social ActivitiesMaintaining a social network, whether it’s large or small, can have a major impact on your overall wellness.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI enjoy being in the company of other people 1 2 3 4 5

I want to maintain or create new social connections 1 2 3 4 5

My spouse can enjoy social activities with me 1 2 3 4 5

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

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Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI would like to relocate 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to age in my current home 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to rent 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to own 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to downsize 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to upsize 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to live in a 55+ community 1 2 3 4 5

Location

While Florida is a still ranked as one of the best destinations for retirees, it’s not a fit for everyone. When it comes to where you’ll live in retirement, there’s more to consider than simply location, location, location.

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

Money

It’s often been said that opposites attract, and spenders vs. savers are no exception. Even though you may not be a money match, it’s more important to attain the right balance.

Circle the options that best reflect your choiceI find comfort in having a detailed budget 1 2 3 4 5

I want to live frugally in in retirement because you never know 1 2 3 4 5 what can happen

We worked hard for years—I want us to live it up in retirement 1 2 3 4 5

I would like to have enough money to leave to our children/ 1 2 3 4 5 grandchildren or as a charitable gift

� � � � �NOT IMPORTANT VERY IMPORTANT

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Discuss Your Answers

Go through the worksheet section-by-section and see how your responses compare. What do your individual visions have in common? How do they differ?

If your personal visions are similar, that’s great. Your transition to retirement will likely be relatively smooth.

If your visions differ, don’t panic. Retirement may mean something different to each of you, and that’s okay—as long as you have a plan to live out your expectations in compatible ways.

What It Means If They’re Similar or Different

There will always be differences since no two individuals in a relationship are the same. But if the scores on your vision items are similar, it could be an indication that you’ll have a smoother transition since you’re probably aligned. If your ratings differ quite a bit, you may be on track for a rougher transition.

If that’s the case, here’s the good news: You’re talking about it, which is something that most couples don’t do. Now that you’re aware of these differences, you can begin finding common ground to help ensure that both of your expectations are being met so that you can have an easier, more satisfying transition.

Remember that no answer is the “correct” answer. Your responses are intended to help start a conversation about your retirement vision.

4 Keys to Better Couples’ Communication

As you discuss each of your answers, keep these ground rules in mind for communicating respectfully and effectively.

1. Be present and focused on your partner. Pick a time and place to talk when both of you are available and can offer undivided attention. Put down your cell phones, turn off your laptops, and push aside your to-do lists. Face your partner and make eye contact with him or her. Focus on what your partner says and how he or she says it.

2. Listen to understand. Listening is more difficult than it sounds, especially since distractions are so prevalent. Listening to respond also gets in the way of listening to understand. If you are thinking about how you’re going to respond while your partner is talking, then you’re not really listening. Try listening more than you talk. Then in your own words, paraphrase to your partner what you heard them say, and check with your partner to see if what you heard is what they meant.

3. Use “I” statements. When couples begin to argue, they often place blame, guilt, or shame on their partner, which is the quickest way to shut down a conversation with your partner. “I” statements keep the focus on you and create ownership of your own feelings. An “I” statement goes like this: “I feel [insert feeling] when [action/event] occurs because [reason].” For example, “I feel disappointed when we don’t travel to see our kids because I want to stay connected with them.” After all, you can only be in charge of your emotions, actions, and reactions.

4. Pay attention to your tone of voice and body language. Your nonverbal language speaks louder than your words. The words you say only account for a small portion of the total message. Using a calm, even tone with a relaxed face as you‘re leaning in with your body, facing your partner with arms and legs uncrossed, communicates an entirely different message than a harsh tone of voice, crossed arms and legs, and a sulking expression.

Compare and Discuss Your Worksheets2

Communication Is Key

Having a dialogue is so critical. Couples need to work in tandem to not just advance their own interests, but also to think about how they can help one another accomplish what’s most important, both as individuals and as a couple.

Once you’ve identified the areas where you’re unaligned, it’s time to take action. When your visions deviate, you will both need to make some adjustments and find middle ground to help ensure that expectations are met to the greatest degree possible.

Compromising Doesn’t Mean Sacrificing

Negotiation using a collaborative style—meaning both partners’ needs are met—is most effective. If one partner wants to be more social, and another wants to focus on golf, perhaps there’s an opportunity for both partners to agree to spend some time apart separately, pursuing these areas of fulfillment, and then come back together for a shared passion or interest afterwards.

Coninue Building Connection

As a therapist, I can tell you that effective communication helps facilitates trust, vulnerability, and partnership in a relationship—the key factors in determining a couple’s ability to navigate transitions and challenges. Therefore, communication needs to be taken seriously. If you can’t communicate effectively, then getting aligned will be challenging at best.

Getting Aligned3

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The views and opinions expressed herein are those of the author, who is not affiliated with Hartford Funds. The information contained herein should not be construed as investment advice or a recommendation of any product or service nor should it be relied upon to, replace the advice of an investor’s own professional legal, tax and financial advisors.

Hartford Funds Distributors, LLC, Member FINRA. MAI189_0919 213728

Next Steps

1. Keep the conversation going. Even if you answered the questions similarly, repeat these steps once a year.

2. Continue to build your vision. Go beyond your responses and actively prepare to make your vision a reality.

3. If you have trouble finding common ground, seek professional help. Having a neutral party to faciliate your conversations can help you work through challenges.

Kristy L. Archuleta, Ph.D., LMFT, is an associate professor in the University of Georgia’s College of Family and Consumer Sciences.

Dr. Archuleta’s research relates to the area of financial therapy and includes dyadic processes influencing financial satisfaction and marital satisfaction.

Dr. Archuleta is a past President of the Financial Therapy Association.

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