YouCanFightBack:

EmotionalandPhysicalSelfDefense

ByLeahOviedo

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Introduction

PartIEmotionalSelfDefense

PartIIPhysicalSelfDefense

PartIIILivingFierce

Resources

“Ihavelearnedovertheyearsthatwhenone’smindismadeup,thisdiminishesfear.”~RosaParks

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Introduction

PictureagirlinHighSchoolwalkingoutofclass.Aboycomesupbehindher,pushesherthroughthedoorway,andlaughsasshestumbles.Thisboyhasbeenharassingherforayear.Sheisveryshyandscaredtostandupforherself.Sinceelementaryschoolshehasbeenteasedandbeatenandbecomeusedtobeingavictim.OneviolentattackinJr.Highwassobadsheneverwentbacktothatschool.Forsolongshethinksthisisjustthewayitis.She’snotcool,sheisawkwardandshysoofcourseshegetsteased.It’sjusthowlifehasbecomeforher.Butthismomentisdifferent;thispushwasjusttoomuch.

Sheswirlsaroundandgivestheboyaverbalsmackdown.Sheangrilyandloudlytellshimtoleaveheralone,thatsheissickofhimbullyingher,andthatshewon’tputupwithhimanymore.Heradrenalineispumpingandeveryoneisstaring.Theboyisjuststandingthere.Sheisafraidtheteacherisgoingtocomeoutandshewillbeintroublesoshestartswalkingaway.Nothinghappens.Theotherstudentswhisperandshequicklygoestothenextclass.

Amazinglythatboystopsbullyingher.Shefeelssomuchbetterandlessafraidofgoingtoschool.Thereareoccasionalincidentsofteasingandbulliesfromotherstudents,butshedoesn’tstandforitanymore.Shestillfeelsawkwardandshy,butshealsohasthissmallfeelingthatsheiscapableofbeingtough.It’sagreatfeeling.

Thatgirlwasme.Iwasaperpetualvictimforsolongthatitbecamepartofmyidentity.Ihadalovingsupportivefamily,afewfriends,andIwashappyathome.Themissingpartsweremylackinganyabilitytosolveproblems,fearofconfrontation,notknowinghowtofight,andverylowselfesteem.

Thereweremanythingsthatleduptomymomentofempowerment.MostlyIwasjustsickandtiredofbeingpickedon.IknewthatIdidn’tdeservetobetreatedbadly.AtthatmomentIwasmoreafraidofthebullyingtoincreaseinviolencelikeotherbulliesinthepastthanwhatmighthappenifItriedtostopit.ForyearsIhadbeenspiralingintoadeepdepressionandwantingbadlytotakemyownlife.Ifeltaloneandterrified.Pretendingthatnothingwaswrongandcontinuouslyallowingbulliestopushmearoundjustwasn’tworkinganymore.Itwastoomuch.ThatlastshovebyaboythathatedmeforreasonsIcouldn’tunderstandpushedmetofightback.

Changedidn’thappenovernight.ItwassometimebeforeIwasabletostanduptobulliesonaregularbasis.Istayeddepressedforalongtime,butIamsogratefulforthatmomentbecauseitwasthebeginningofnothidinganymore.IwasreadytobefierceandIjustneededsomemoreexperiencesandtimetomakethathappen.

SincethatdayinHighSchoolmanyviolentandscaryexperiencesencouragedmetobecomeatrainedselfdefenseinstructor.Allofthoseexperiencesbroughtmetowritingthisbook.Iwasassaultedbyadrunkenfratboyonacollegecampusinbroaddaylight.Ihavebeenverballyharassedandphysicallyassaultedwalkingdownthestreetandsittingonthebus.Isawfriendsandfamilyinabusiverelationshipsandlistenedtooneofmybestfriendsasshetearfullyrecountedhowherboyfriendrapedher.ItwasanotherdecadeuntilIrealizedthatempoweredfeelingagain.

Theexperiencethatreallywokemeupwasworkingatadomesticviolenceandsexualassaultresourcecenter.Isawsomanywomenandgirlswhowereemotionallyandphysicallyabusedbyboyfriends,fathersandhusbands.Sometimestheyhadvisiblebruises,butmostoftentheywereemotionallybrokenandscared.Theeducationaltrainingswehadwerejustasheartbreakinganddepressing.Itwasn’tlongbeforeIrealizedthatpreventingothergirlsandwomenfrombeingvictimswaswhatIneededtodo.

FromchildhoodIwasblessedwithahandfulofstrongindependentwomeninmylife,buttheyweresomucholderthatIdidnotseeaconnectionofhowIcouldbestronglikethem.IstrivedtoimitatethemsincetheyneverseemedweakItriedtoneverseemweakeither.Iwasalsopainfullyshyaboutopeningupandaskingforhelp.Iconvincedmyselftostaysilentandthatcausedmetowasteyearsdepressedandfeelingpathetic.

AftereverythingIwentthroughIreallywanttohelpothergirlsandwomenfromlivingeverydayafraid.Ihavecreatedanoutlineforbothphysicalandemotionalselfdefense.Bothareimperativefornotjustsurviving,butlivingahealthylife.Toooften,emotionalabuseisconsideredlessdangerousthanphysicalabuse.Thisideacreatesaculturethattreatsemotionalpainasnotimportant.Itenforcesthebeliefthatwordscan’thurt.Thesaying“sticksandstonesmaybreakmybones,butwordswillneverhurtme”isludicrous.Ofcoursewordshurtandtheyareespeciallypotentcomingfromfamily,partners,friends,peers,andauthorityfigures.

Doyouknoworhaveyoureadaboutchildrenandteensthatkillthemselvesoverpeerbullyingorwomenthatrepeatedlyreturntoabusiverelationships?Nobodywantstoberejectedsoweputupwithit.Wearemadetofeellikeweshouldautomaticallyknowhowtosolveproblems.Wehavebecomehelplessbecausewearenottaughtorencouragedtofightback.Thatneedstochangerightnow.

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One:EmotionalSelfDefense

1)Introduction

2)Intuition

3)WarningSigns

4)Communicate

5)FindSolutions

6)BeStrong

7)HealthyConfrontation

8)ThinkAboutIt

INTRODUCTION

Emotionalselfdefenseisthefirststepinpreventingviolence.Preventionisthethemeofthisbook.Ifyoucankeepyourselfoutofviolentsituationsandlearndifferentwaystohandleharassmentyouwillsaveyourself,

yourfamily,andyourfriendsalotofpain.Inthefollowingpagesyouwilllearntouseyourintuitiontobeawareofwarningsigns.Youwillalsolearnhowtobestrongbycommunicatingandproblemsolving.

Evenwithprecautionsandsmarts,anyonecanbeavictim.Ifyoudoallthatyoucanandyouarestillattackedorabused,itisnotyourfault.Abuserscomeinallgenders,sizes,colorsandcultures.Theychoosetohurtandthatistheirfault,notthepeopletheyhurt.Victimblameisapopularphenomenonofmakingthosewhosufferfeelasiftheydidsomethingwrong.It’sdisgusting.

Donotfallintoavictimblameattitude.Yesifyoujugglesawsandcutyourarm,thenitisyourfault,butgettinghurtbysomeoneelseafteryouwentintoasituationthatmayormaynotbedangerousisstillnotyourfault.Weeachchooseandareresponsibleforhowwetreatothers.Wecannotblamesomeoneelseifwehurtthemandsaytheywereaskingforit.

ThreePointsofPrevention

Keepanopenmindtowardsyourintuition.

Beawareofwarningsigns.

Haveastrongsenseofselfworthsoyoucanstandupforyourselfandfightback.

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INTUITION

Intuitionisnotsomemagicalqualitythatonlycertainpeopleareendowedwith.EVERYONEhasit.Yousimplyneedtobeawareofthisinnerguidancesystem.Intuitionisalsocalled“followingyourgut”or“listeningtoyourheart”.Labelithoweveryouwant.Youhaveitandyouhavetheabilitytouseit.

Doyouevergetthatfeelinginthepitofyourstomachorthoughtsinyourheadthatsomethingisnotquiteright?

Havewarningbellsgoneoffthataretellingyoutogetoutofasituationassoonaspossible?

Doyouthinkmaybethispersonhasanulteriormotive?

Doesastoryyouarebeingtoldsounduntrue?

Theseareallfeelingsofintuitionandyoucanfollowthosefeelingstokeepyourself,yourfriendsandyourfamilysafe.Sometimesintuitioncanalsofeellikenerves.Sountilyouarereallyintunewithyourinnerguideyoucanlookforwarningsigns.Thosewewillgooverlater.

Recordyourintuitivedecisionsinajournal.Whenyouencounteranimportanteventwritedownwhathappened,howyoufelt,whatyourintuitiontoldyouandwhatactionyoutook.Youcanlaterreturntoyourjournaltolookforpatternsandtoseehowoftenyoudoordon’tlistentoyourselfandwhethersomethingwasagoodorbaddecision.

Didyoufollowyourinstincts?Didyouignoreyourinstincts?Whatwastheoutcome?

AskYourIntuitionWhataboutthispersonorsituationfeelswrong?

Doesthisremindmeofsomethingbadthathappenedbefore?

Howdidthatturnout?

WhatshouldIdointhissituation?

Whatwillbethebestfirststep?

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WARNINGSIGNS

Whenyouarewithnewpeopleitisimportanttolistentowhattheysay,watchhowtheyinteractwithothers,andbeawareofwhattheywantfromyou.Youcangetwarningsignsfrompeopleandplaces.

Howdotheytreatyou?Ifsomeonetreatsyouwithrespectyouarenotaslikelytobeusedorabused.Howevereveninagoodrelationshiptherearewarningsignswhenapersonsuddenlychangestheirattitudearoundyou.Dotheyactdifferentaroundtheirfamilyorfriendscomparedtowhenyouarealone?Iseverythingallaboutthem?Dotheyactlieyourproblemsaren’timportant?

Aretheybeingmorefriendlythanusual?Amanipulatorwilloftencharmyouintodoingwhattheywantwithoutconsideringhowitmayaffectyou.Apopularexampleofthisiswhensomeoneyouadmireasksyoutodosomethingthatyouarenotcomfortablewith,butyoudoitanywaytoproveyourworthtothem.Oftentheaskerknowsthatyouaregoingagainstyourgut,butfeeltheycanmakeyoudowhatevertheywant.

Didtheyjustguilttripyou?Anabuserwilluseguiltasatooltomakeyoufeelasifyoushoulddowhattheywant.Theyusuallycry“poorme”orinsistthatyoualwaysgetyourway.Guiltisusedwhensomeonefeelsbadaboutwhattheydid,todeflectblame,ortogetrevenge.Whenyouareassaultedwithguiltturnthetables.Asktheotherpersoniftheyarepurposelytryingtoguilttripyou.Askiftheyarefeelingbadandwouldliketotalkaboutit.Thesequestionsletthepersonknowthatyouarenotvisitingguilttownwiththem.Youcanwalkawayortryandfindasolutiontogether.

Dotheysaydisparagingornegativeremarksaboutothers,yourgenderorrace?Ifyourdateputsdownyourgenderorraceandconstantlyreferstostereotypingothers,thantheydonotrespectyou.Ifyourfriendhasprejudicesthatyoupersonallyfindoffensive,theirviewisnotlikelytochange.Peopleoftenhavethisideathatwecanchangesomeoneelsesothatpersonismorelikeusandthuseasiertogetalongwith.Theflawinthisideaisthatrealchangemustcomefromtheindividualchoosingtochange.Lookforstatementsthatbeginwith“I’mnotracist,but…”or“I’mnotsexist,but…”

StrangePlacesandFacesIfyouareinanunfamiliarareabeawareofyoursurroundings.Onlyyou

candecideifthisnewplaceissafe.

Isitcleanordirty?Iftheareayouareinisindisrepairorverydirtythanthepeoplewhoaretheremaynothaverespectforthatarea,otherpeoplewholivethere,orvisitors.Thisisnotasafeplacetobe.Iftheplaceisclean,butthepeoplehaveanegativeattitudeitcanalsobeunsafe.Soitisimportanttopayattentiontothepeopleandyoursurroundings.

Areyouinawelllitorpublicareawithlotsofpeople?Ifyouareinanisolatedareaandsomethinghappenstoyousuchasaninjury,harassment,oranattacktheremaynotbeanyonetohelpyou.

Areotherpeoplefriendlyandpolite? Doyoufeelignoredorarepeoplerudetowardsyou? Whatwillyoudoifaproblemarises? Doyouseeaplacetogoforhelpsuchasapolicestation,hospital

orwelcomecenter? Areyouwithsomeoneyoutrusttostaywithyouandstandupfor

you?

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COMMUNICATE

Useyourvoice.Alotofproblemscanbepreventedwhenweclearlycommunicatewhatwewant,need,anddoordonotlike.Peoplearenotmindreaders.Youmayfeellikeyourattitudeistellingpeoplewhatyouthink,whichisoftentrue,butthisisadangerousideatobankyoursafetyon.Sayingonethingandactinginanopposingmannerwillgiveotherpeopleachancetotakeadvantageofyouorthinkthatyouwantsomethingyoudon’t.Keepyourwordsandactionsinsync.

Whensomeoneisharassingyoutellthemthatyoudonotlikeitandaskthemtostop.Itisimportanttouseaneventoneofvoice.Usuallywhenwegetupsetweuseamockingorangrytone.Thistonewillonlyescalatethesituationbycreatingadefensivefeelingintheotherperson.Stayingcalmisalsoimportantifyouneedtoreportharassmenttotheauthoritiesorasupervisor.Thereareoccasionswherelettingyourangershinethroughcanprotectyou,butthisisinthefaceofimmediatephysicaldanger,notemotionalabuse.Emotionalabuserswanttorileyouupandmakeyoudo

somethingthatlooksbadonyourpart.Thisgivestheman“excuse”topunishyou.Keepcalmandspeakinafirm,eventone.Iftheycannotgetareactionoutofyoutheymayleaveyoualone.IhavehadseveralinstancesofharassmentwhereIignoredthepersonandtheystoppedbotheringme.

Dependingontheirpersonalitytypeorwhethertheyareundertheinfluence,ignoringisnotthebestoption.Sometimesyouneedtouseyourwords.Hereisalistofwhatyoucansaytoanemotionalabuser.

Idon’tappreciatethatsortoftalkaboutwomen(people/race/religion/orientation).

Idon’tfeelthatisfunny.Thatisnotfunnytome.

Stopdoingthat.Stopsayingthat.

Youdonothavearighttoharassme.

Thisschool(orjob)isnotanappropriateplacetosaythosethingsoractthatway.

Iwillreportyoutoasupervisorifyoucontinuetoharassme.

Iwillcalltheauthoritiesifyoucontinuetoharassme.

Itisimperativewhendatingorinarelationshiptocommunicateyourwantsandneedsinthebeginning.Sadlynomatterhowmuchyoutry,mostviolentsituationscanonlybepreventedbytheassailant.Rememberthatitisneveryourfaultifyouareabused,stalked,orraped.Howeverafewsituationscanbeavoidedbysimplycommunicatingandbeingupfrontaboutyourfeelings,expectationsandlimits.Thishappensbecausebybeingawareofwarningsignsandlisteningyoulearntostayawayfromdangerouspeople.

Ifyouarenotlookingforasexualrelationshipthantellyourpartnerfromthestart.Ifyoudonotwanttohavesexwithadatetellthembeforeyougototheirapartment.

Ilikeyouandwanttogettoknowyou,butIamnotreadyforasexual(physical)relationship.

Kissingdoesnotmeanthatwewillhavesex.

Idon’twanttoseeyouanymore.

Iamnot“beingatease”,nomeansno!

Iftheotherpersonrefusestoletyougoorleaveyoualoneyellforhelp.ItissaidthatyellingthewordsFireorPolicearemorelikelytobringhelpthanHelporRape.Ifyouareinaplaceyouknowthanseekhelpfromanauthorityfigure.Iftheycannothelpyoufindthenextpersoninchargeandsoonuntilyoucanfindsomeonetohelpyou.Explainingthesituationclearlyandcommunicatingyourdistressisimportantifyouneedhelp.Settingboundariesfromthestartgivesyoupowerandshowsthatyouarenotaneasytargetorpushover.

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FINDSOLUTIONS

Itisimportanttofigureoutifyouaredealingwithadifficultpersonoradifficultsituation.Thinkofallthetimesyouhavelostyourtemperorbecameangrybecauseyouwereinasituationthatfeltdangerous.Itisveryeasyforwelladjustedpeopletolosetheircoolandthatisverydifferentthansomeonewhoissimplybeingpurposelydifficult.Itisalsoeasyforpeoplewithmeanintentionstouseandhurtus.Wemustbeourfirstdefenseagainstthem.Ifyouarebeingharassedorfeellikeanassaultiscomingusethestepsbelow.

Takethesestepstofindasolutionandkeepyourcool.1)Neutralizeyouremotions.Allowingyouremotionstorunwild

causesyoutobecomeirrational.2)Identifyifthispersonisbeingdifficultbecauseofthesituationor

becausetheyarepurposelybeingdifficult.3)Controlthesituationbeforeitgetsoutofhand.Doyouneedto

movetoasafespaceoraneutralenvironment?4)Consideryourdifferentoptionstoreachasolutionorcompromise.5)Walkawaywithoutburningbridges.

Neutralize

Consciouslymakeachoicetocalmyouremotions.Neutralizebyvisualizinghowyouwantthissituationtoendandremindingyourselfthatyouareincontrolofyourreactions.Inthebeginningitisimportanttonotgetcaughtupinallthelittlepoints.Focusonthebiggestpointortherootoftheproblemandgofromthere.Don’tget

caughtupinfightingawar.Insteadneutralizethefirstdisagreementandturnitintoadiscussion.

Identifythetypeofpersonyouaredealingwith.

Isthesituationcausingproblems?Istheotherpersonpurposelybeingmeanorjustreactingtothesituation?Istheotherpersonactingdifficultandarguingbecausethisishowtheysolvetheirproblems?Isthisapersonwhoisalwaysdifficult?Aretheyinapositionofpowerandusedtotakingwhattheywant?

Empathizewiththeotherpersoninsteadofopposingthem.Asktheotherpersonquestions.

Whatiswrong?Whyisthissoimportanttoyou?Whatdoyoufeelyouwillloseifthisdoesn’tgoyourway?Doesthisremindyouofasimilarsituationinthepastthatdidnotworkout?Howdoyouwishthathadbeensettled?

Nowthatyouhaveabetterpictureofwhatishappening,askyourselfquestions.

WhatdoIhaveatstake?IsthisanargumentIcanwin?DoIneedtowinthistime?Willthisturnintoalongtermproblem?Isitonlyaproblemintheshortterm?

Remember,iftheotherpersonisattackingyoutheyareattemptingtocontrolyou.

Figureouthowtokeeptheargumentorproblemfromescalating.

Canyoufindanalternativesolution?Canyoucontroltheoutcomebychangingyourview?Ifthisproblemdoesnotneedtobesolvedimmediatelycanyoureach

outandaskforassistance?Whoareyourallies?Whocanyouaskthatisneutral?Canyoufindamediator?Canyouaskasupervisor?

Startadialogue.Asktheotherpersontoexplaintheirsideinsteadofsimplyattacking.Thenexplainyourside.

Findalternativesolutionsbyaskingtheotherpersonquestions.

Whatwouldyoudoinmyposition?Whatifweleftpartoftheproblemforanothertime?Thencouldwefindasolutiontothemostpressingpartoftheproblem?Whatwouldbetheprosandconsofdoingitthiswayorthatway?

Walkawaywithoutburningbridges.

Someproblemscannotbesolvedrightaway.Therearetimeswhenweoranotherpersonaren’twillingtobudge.Wecanallmakebaddecisionswhenweareupset,butsomepeoplearenotwillingtofindsolutionsorcompromise.Ifthisisthecaseyoumaywanttowalkawayandstayclearofthem.Ifbothofyouhavereviewedalltheoptionsandcannotagreeonasolutionorcompromisethanitistimetostoportakeabreak.

Wecan’talwayscontrolhowaproblemturnsout,butwecanalwayschoosehowweact.Doyouwanttolookbackandknowthatyoutriedyourbesttofindapeacefulsolution?Ordoyouwanttolookbackandknowthatyouranger,pride,orstubbornnessmadeaproblemworse?Thechoiceisyours.Justlikeabullyisresponsibleforhurtingsomeone,youareresponsibleforhowyouactineverysituation.

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BESTRONG

Doubtingourownstrengthsandcapabilitiesturnsusintovictims.Eachandeveryoneofushasspecifictalentsandqualitiesthatallowusto

solveproblemsandadapttonewsituations.Byfocusingonthoseskillsyouwillfeelcompetentandnotbeafraidtotakeaction.

Areyoumoreextrovertedorintroverted?Introvertedpeopletendtosolveproblemsslowlyandcautiously.Theylookformoresolutionsthanthoseavailablerightnow.Theiroutlookisthatbyweighingeachsolutionequallythenthereislesschancethattheproblemwillrecur.

Extrovertstendtosolveproblemsbypickingthequickestandmostobvioussolutions.Theiroutlookisthatifsomethingiseasytosolvethanthereisnoreasontowastetimelookingatdifferentoptions.

Bothpersonalitystyleshavegoodorbadaspectsdependingonthesituationathand.Inriskysituationssuchasassaultyouneedtomakequickdecisionsthatwillkeepyousafe.Inrisky,butnotimmediatelydangeroussituationssuchasemotionalabuseitisgoodtoconsiderallyouroptionsanddeliberateononethatwillkeepyousafe.Solvingproblemsbasedonourownpersonalstyleasopposedtosomeoneelse’sideaworksbest.Youjusthavetobebraveenoughtofollowthrough.

Findingabalanceofknowingwhentobeaggressiveortostaycalmtakestime.Alotyouwilllearnthroughtrialanderror.Ifyouremindyourselftobeawareofhowyoureactandwhatworksordoesn’tthanyouwilllearnwhatyouarecapableof.Askyourselfquestions.

HowdoIreacttostress?

Doesmyreactionmakeproblemsworse?

AmIwillingtochangethatreaction?

Inwhatwaycanthatreactionbeturnedintoapositiveaction?

WhatareexamplesoftimeswhenIhandledstresswell?

Practice,practice,practice!Teachyourselftoreactinawaythatdoesnotescalatenegativeemotionsorviolence.

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HEALTHYCONFRONTATION

Whenconfrontinganydifficultpersonordiscussinganuncomfortableissueitisimportanttokeeptheconversationfromescalatingintoanargumentbyestablishinganon-threateningenvironment.

Useeyecontactandcallpeoplebytheirfirstname.

Yourbodylanguageshouldberelaxed.Donotslouchoracttimid.Donotloomoverothersorpushintotheirpersonalspace.

Donotglareorraiseyourvoiceinanger.Tryyourbesttokeepafriendlyoratleastacalmdemeanor.

Whenpeoplefeelattackedorstressedoutitiseasytowanttofightbackinthesameway.Thesayingyoucan’tfightfirewithfireistrue.Itonlycausesmorenegativityandlessensthechanceofasustainableresolution.

Stateyourcaseaboutthecurrentproblem.Don’tbringupunrelatedproblems.Youwanttofocusononeproblematatimesotheotherpersondoesn’tfeelliketheyarebeingbullied.

Listentotheotherpersonwithoutinterrupting.Considerthatthispersonhasdiscriminatoryviewsbasedonhowtheywereraised.Badhabitsarehardtobreak,andchangetakestime.Listeningallowsyoutoformulateanintelligentresponse.Shootingfromthelipwithoutthinkingcanturnuglyfast.Holdyourcoolandyouwillnotonlyhavetheupperhand,buttimetofigureoutasolution.Sinceyouarefightingforasafeenvironmentstoopingtothelevelofyourharassersandattackingthemsimplycreateslesssafety.

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THINKABOUTIT

Canyouthinkbacktoinstanceswhenyouwereemotionallyabused?

Howdoyoufeelaftersomeonehasmanipulatedyouorusedguiltonyou?

Howcanyoucreateadialoguewithyourfemalefriendsaboutemotionalabuse?

Howcanyoucreateadialoguewithyourmalefriendsaboutemotionalabuse?

Whatadvicecanyougivetoyourdaughter,niece,oryoungerwomenaboutyourownexperienceswithemotionalabuse?

Haveyoueverbeenharassedatworkorinschool?

Whatactionsdidyoutaketostoptheharassment?

Ifyouwenttoasupervisororteacherwhatactiondidtheytake?

Areyoufearfulofstandinguptoharassment?

Isitfairthatthewayyoudress,thereligionyoubelieve,orthecultureyouarefromdefineshowpeopletreatyou?

Areyoucomfortablewithspeakingupforyourselforotherswhenyouareinanunfriendlysituation?

Howdoyoufeelwhenstoriesofharassmentareturnedintojokes?

Howdoyoufeelaboutstandinguptoandcomplainingaboutoffensivebehavior?

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Two:PhysicalSelfDefense

1)Introduction

2)Awareness=Prevention

3)UseaCombination

4)MoreMoves

5)ReportingAssault

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INTRODUCTION

Youcanfightback!Don’tmakeupexcusesthatpreventyoufromprotectingyourself.Beingfemaledoesn’tmeanthatyoucan’torshouldn’tusephysicalforcetoprotectyourself,yourfamily,andfriendsfromviolentassault.WhiletheseselfdefensemovesaredesignedforgirlsandwomenIencourageyoutoalsoteachyoungboys.Bothgirlsandboysaretargetsformolestationandabductionsoitisimportanttoinstillinchildrenthecapabilityofphysicalselfdefenseifsomeonehurtsthem.

Ifyouareattackedandinjureditisimportanttoknowthatitwasnotyourfault.Nomatterifyouwerewalkingalone,whatyouwerewearing,orifyouwereundertheinfluenceofdrugsoralcohol,itisnotyourfault!Whensomeoneisintentonhurtingyoutoeitherstealyourmoney,scareyou,orrapeyouitisbecausetheyhaveaproblem.Theattackerchoosestoactviolently.Theattackerisalwaysatfault.

Someattacksaremeanttoscareorhurtandsomearemeanttokill.Sinceyouhavenowayofknowingwhatanotherpersonisthinkingitisbesttodefendyourselfasiftheyareplanningtokillyou.Bepreparedfortheworstbecauseyouneverknow.Memorizethesephysicalmovessoyouwillbeasurvivorandnotavictim.

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AWARENESS=PREVENTION

Whetheryouarewalkingaloneorwithagroup,dayornight,in“good”or“bad”neighborhoodsyouhavetoBEAWARE! Ifsomeonegetswithin10feetofyouthanmakenoise.

Pulloutyourphoneandmakeacall.

Putdistanceandspacebetweenyouandthem,waveandyell“Hi,Sarah”inthedirectionofanimaginaryfriend.

Crossthestreetorgoinsideastore.

Actcrazytoscarethemoff.

Takeaphotoorvideoandshareitwithyourfamily,friends,orshareitonline.Documentationcanhelpifyouareattacked.

Payattention.Ifsomeonegetstooclose,firmlyandloudlytellthemtostop.

Yellloudly:STOPGETBACKPOLICEFIREandmoveawayfromthem.

Inmyexperience,therearethreemaintypesofassailants.Thereisthejerkwhoisinebriatedwithsomethingtoprove,thebullylookingforavictim,andthesociopathwhowantstohurtyou.Itcanbehardtotellinthemomentoffearsogoaheadandfightbackwithallyougo.

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USEACOMBINATION

Normallyonehitisnotenoughtodisableanattacker,whichiswhyIwastaughttomemorizeacombinationofsimplemovestofightback.Belowisasimple4stepcombination.Theintentissoyoucangettosafety,notsoyoucanbecomeasuperhero.Thefreezestancegivesyouspaceandletsyourattackerknowthatyouarenotaneasytarget.Thepalmstrikeandgroinkickinflictpainonsensitiveareasofthefaceandgroin.The

kneestrikecandisabletheattackerbystrikingtheirupperbodyorhead.

Manyattackersyellandthreatensoyouwillbeparalyzedwithfear.TocounteracttheirscaretacticremembertoYELLwitheachstrike.Givethemthesametreatmenttheyaregivingyou.Thisisnotatimetobepolite.Makenoisejustincasesomeoneiscloseenoughtohelpyou.Thispersonwantstohurtyousomakesurethatdoesn’thappen.

Don’tevergotoasecondlocation!Ifsomeonesays“IfyouwillbequietandcomewithmeIwon’thurtyou”thatpersonknowsthatyourcurrentlocationistoopublicandtheymightgetcaught.Theywanttotakeyousomeplaceisolatedsonobodycaninterfere.Theywillhurtyou,sonevergotoasecondlocation!

Thenextsectioncontainillustrationsforbasicselfdefensemoves.Thesearedesignedtodisableandcausepainfortheattackersoyoucanescapetosafety.

TheFreezeStanceCreateafirmpositionbystandingwithyourlegsshoulderlengthapart.Putyourarmsupasifyouweredoingpushupstoputspacebetweenyou.Thisisclassicstancethatletsthatpersonknowthatyouwillprotectyourbodyanditgivesthemachancetopause.

EitherextendandstraightenyourarmswithyourpalmsfacingouttoputdistancebetweenyouORbendyourelbowsandkeepyourhandsclosertoyourbody.Yellorinafirmclearvoicesay,"NO","STOP"or"GETBACK".Ifyouneedtodrawattentionfromothersyell"POLICE","INEEDHELP"or"FIRE".

Onceyouhavecreatedaphysicalboundarywithyourarmsyoucanuseoneorallthreeofthefollowingmovesinacombinationtostoptheattacker. 

2)ThePalmStrikeUsetheheelofyourpalmtostriketheattackersnose,eyes,cheekorforehead.Yourgoalistodisablethepersonsoyoucangetaway,sowhenyoustrikeuseallyourstrength.Stepforwardtowardsthemtogiveyourselfextramomentum.Continuetoyellforhelpasyoustrikeyourattacker.

3)TheGroinKickKickashardasyoucan.Bringyourfootrightupundertheirlegsoruseyourkneetohitthetarget.Useallyourmighttocauseenoughpainsotheycannothurtyou.Remember,ifsomeoneisphysicallyattackingyoutheywanttohurtyou.Don'thesitatetohurtthemsoyoucangettoasafeplace. Thisisaclassicdefensemoveagainstmenbecauseitworks!RemembertoYELLwitheachstrike.

4)TheKneeStrikeThismoveworksbestifyourattackerbendsoverfromaprevioushit.Grabtheirheadorshouldersandpullthemdownwhileatthesametimeliftingyourkneeuptohittheirstomachorface.Onceyouhavekneedyourattackerpushthemawayfromyouandruntosafety.RemembertoYELLwitheachstrike.

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VITALPOINTS

Mostlikelyyourattackerwillbestrongerthanyou,butyoucanstillcausealotofpainbystrikingthevitalpoints.

EYES(gougewithyourthumbsorjabwithyourfingers)

EARS(grabanearorboth,digyourfingernailsinandpullhard)

NOSE(usetheheelofyourpalmoryourfist)

THROAT(karatechoptothethethroat)

SOLARPLEXUS(useyourfistorelbowtostrikethecenterofthebody)

GROIN

(kick,slap,punch,orgrabandtwist)

KNEES(theyonlybendoneway)

ANKLES(stomp,kick,orevengrabandyankitifyouareontheground)

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MOREMOVES

Youcanuseanyofthesemovesinadditiontotheonesaboveoralone.Rememberthatifsomeoneisintentonhurtingyouitisimportanttostopthatfromhappening.Whileyouarebeingattackedyellwitheverystrike,jabandkick.Continuetoyelluntilyouarefree.

Thereareseveralweakspotsonourbodiesthatyoucankick,strike,orjabtodisableanattacker.Kicktheknee,inthefronttocausepainorinthebackandsidestoknockthemdown.Strikethestomach,ribsandsides.Jabtheelbows,wristsandshoulderjoints.Stompontheirfeet.Assoonaspossible,runtosafety.

WristTwist:Iftheygrabyourarmuseyourfreehandtograbandtwisttheirwrist.Twistitashardasyoucan.Thiswillcausethemtoletgoofyourhand.Remembertoyell.

BackAttack:Ifyouaregrabbedfrombehindyellanddon’tstopyellinguntilyouarefree.Stompyourfootdownontheirfootanddigyourheel.Useyourelbowtostrikebackwardsintotheattackersstomach.Thenuseyourfisttohitthegroin.Stompontotheirfeetasmuchaspossible.Youcanalsopropelyourselfforwardtoknockofftheirbalance. Throwyourheadbackintotheirface.Yourskullisheavyandwillcausepain.Onceyourhandsarefreeusethepalmstrike.Useyourlegtokick,andyourkneetohit.Runtosafety.

ScratchorBite:Scratchyourattackersfaceorarmstocausepain.Drawblood.Notonlydoesitcausepaintobeclawedbyfingernails,italsoputsDNAunderyourfingernails.Thiswayifyouwanttoreportthecrimeyouwillhavesomeproofofwhoattackedyou.Iftheyputahandoveryourmouthbitetheirhand.Youdonotneedtodrawblood,butbitinghurtsandthiswillgiveyouachancetoyell.Don'tfreakoutaboutcatching

germs,ifyougetbloodinyourmouthspititout.

GetAway: Neverletanattackerbringyouintoacarorabuilding.Oncetheygetyouinacarorintheirhouseyouwillbebeaten,raped,tortured,andkilled.Smartgirlsandwomendonotgetinacarwithaboy,aman,oragrouptheybarelyknow.Eveniftheyhaveagunorknifeyouaremorelikelytosurviveifyoustayinpublic. Gangrapehappens.Sextraffickinghappens.Murderhappens.Thisinformationisnotputheretoscareyou,buttoprepareyou. 

BEAWARE,DON’TLIVEINFEAR.

Acombinationofmovesallowsyoutoimmobilizeyourattackersotheycannotrunafteryou.Justonehitmaynotbeenough.Youcanpracticewithafriendbyholdingupathickcushionorpillowandpretendingthatistheattacker.Ifattacked,beaggressive.Useallyourstrengthandangertofightback.

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REPORTINGASSAULT

Evenifyouarenotinjuredoryoumanagetogetawaywithallyourpossessionsreportinganattackcanhelpauthoritiesbringdangerouspeopletojustice.

Ifyouarerunningfromaviolentattackthatjusthappenedgetsomewheresafeandcall911.Ifyouaresafelyathome,workorschoolcallthelocalnonemergencynumberorgodirectlytothelocalpolicestation.Ifpossiblegowithafamilymemberorafriendyoutrust.Itcanbeveryscarytoreportacrimeandyouneedtofeelsafesothatyoucanrememberimportantfactsabouttheattack.

Theywillaskyoumanyquestionssotrytorecordallthatyoucan.

Whattheattackerlookedlikeandwaswearing.

Thelocationwheretheattackoccurred.

Howtheyattackedyou.

What,ifanything,didtheysaybeforeorduringtheattack.

Hadthispersonbeenfollowingyou.

Wasanyonenearbywhomighthaveseentheattack.

Yourfamilymemberorfriendshouldstaywithyoutoprovideemotionalsupport.Youdon’thavetogothroughareportalone.Youdon’thavetoanswerquestionsaboutwhatyouwerewearingorifyouweredrinking.Ifyoufeellikethepoliceareaskingyouquestionsthatputtheblameonyouthanitmaybetimetostop.Statethatyoufeeltotiredtocontinue.

Ifyouweresexuallyassaultedthenbesuretonottakeashowerorchangeclothes.Authoritiesshouldgiveyouaccesstoaforensicnurseforexamination.Whengivingyourreport,youcanasktohaveamemberofthelocalSART(SexualAssaultResponseTeam)present.Theyaretrainedvictimadvocatesandcangiveyousupportandinformation.Authoritiesshouldalsohavearapekitcreatedbasedonbodyfluidandbloodsamplesfromtheattack.ThiswillgivethemDNAevidencesotheattackercanbeidentifiedandbroughttojustice.

NationalSexualAssaultHelpline1-800-656-4673

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Three:LIVINGFIERCE

It’sgreattoknowhowtofightbackagainstverbalandphysicalabuseinthefaceofdanger.Evenbetteristolearntolivefiercelywithconfidenceandselfwortheveryday.Fierceisn’tbeingloud,pushy,andmean.It’safeelingthatnomatterhowmanyjerkscrossyourpath,andnomatterwhatobstaclesgetinyourway,thatyouwillalwaysfeelcapableofprotectingyourself.

Everheardthesaying“Youhavetorespectyourselfbeforeanyoneelsecanrespectyou”andthoughtthatwasanicethought,butuntrueintherealworld?Ittookmeyearstorealizethatitactuallyworks,butnotallthetimeandnotineverysituation.Themoreyouprojectselfrespect;thelesslikelyabullywilltakeadvantageoforassaultyou.Thisdoesn’tmeanbeabully,butsimplythatyouarecapableandstrongandwillingtofightforyourselfpreservation.

Ofcoursethekeywordsthereare“lesslikely”.Itdoesn’talwaysworkwhichiswhysometimesitisbesttowalkorrunawayfromabully.Somepeoplearealwayslookingforafightanditdoesn’tmatterifyoubackdownorstandtall.Choosewhentowalkawayandwhentoletsomethinggo.Weeachhavethepowertokeepjerksfromruiningourlives.

Ifyouhavearelativeorpersoninyourcircleoffriendsthathasabadattitudetowardsyouorismanipulativethanlimityourtimearoundthem.Activelystayawayfromthatpersonbecauseyoucan’tchangetheirattitude.Thatpersonistheonlyonecapableofchange.Somejerkswillgiveyoualamelineabouthowtheyaretheonlypersonthatcouldeverloveyou.Thatisamanipulative,cruel,untruethingtosay.It’sapopularlineusedbydomesticabusers.Don’tfallintothattrap.Youareloveableanddeservingoflove.

Youdeservetobetreatedwithrespect.Don’teverletyourselffallintoavictimmindsetandthinkthatyouarenotgoodenoughorthatyouarelessthanothers.Weareallequalindeservingrespect.Yourwealth,socialstanding,country,orbeliefsmakeyounobetterorworsethananotherperson.Itisourownthoughtsthatkeepusseparateandafraidtofight.Itisourownbeliefsthatkeepusdown.

Doyouevergetmadatyourselfandthinkhowstupidyouwereforamistake?

Doyoufeelasifyoudeservetobepunishedwhenyoumakeamistake?

Doyouletothersgetawaywithverbalabusebecauseyouneverstanduptothem?

Ifyouansweredyestoanyofthose,thanyouareencouragingavictimmindset.Youareallowingyourselftobelessthanothers.Thewaywefeelontheoutsidecanbewaymoreobviousthanwerealize.Thisisadangerousattitudetoprojecttowardsthosewhowilltakeadvantageofyou.Stopthinkingawfulthoughts.Considertheideathatyouareonlyavictimifyouallowyourselftobe.Doesthatsoundlikeabunchofselfhelpfluff?Considerthefollowingexamples.

Haveyoueverreadaboutsomeonewhosurvivedwar,rape,falseimprisonment,ortragedywithapositiveattitude?Thatpersonwillstillhavebaddaysandbecomesadorafraid,buttheydon’tletthosefeelingsstay.Allowyourselftimestofeelsad,angryordiscouraged.Yourfeelingsarevalid.Getoutonceyouhavevented.Don’tstaytheresolongthatall

yourgoodthoughtsdisappearandyoubecomedepressed.

Didyoumakesomanymistakesonedayorthroughoutanentireweekthatallyoucanrecallarethebadparts?RememberthatEVERYONEmakesmistakes.Ifwearedistractedbyanexorbitantamountofstressthanthosecanmultiplytothepointwherewegetmadatourselvesandfeelstupid.Beawareofthisandgiveyourselfabreak.Youarenotstupid;youjusthadabadday.IfyoufeellikeEVERYTHINGyoudoisstupidthangetsomehelp.Findatherapygrouporanindividualcounselortoguideyou.

Doyouseethepatternofhowwemustconsciouslydecidehowwepersonallydealwithproblems?Firstyoubelieveyoucanchange,thanyoutakeactionsthatcausechange,andonlythenareyouincontrol.Livingfierceistotallyandcompletelyuptoyou.

Itcanbehardtoprojectselfrespectwhenyoufeelimperfectorcompletelyhopeless.Therealityisthatoncewereachacertainagewehavetheabilitiestochangeoursituations,toleaveabuse,andtostopbeingavictim.Therearepeopleandprogramsavailabletohelpus.Findthemandallowthemtohelpyou.Liveinawaythatmakesyoufeelproudofwhoyouare.Thismeansfollowingnewpathsthatcanbescaryforusanduncomfortableforothers.Don’tlivetomakeothershappy.Makeyourselfhappyandthenyouwillbeabletodosomethingamazingthatmakestheworldbetter.

Onceyouarelivingfiercethenyoucanuseyourknowledgetohelpothers.Considervolunteeringinyourcommunityorstartingaprogramthatcreatespositivechange.

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FACEYOURFEARS

Wearegivenalotofchancestobeafraidandshownalotofbadpeoplewillingtomakeitworse.Culture,beliefs,tradition,andtheamountofcrimewhereweliveallgiveusreasonstobeafraid.Somefearsarevalidandsomearenot.Whatareyouafraidof?Lookforotherpeoplewhohadthesamefearsasyoursandseehowtheymovedpastthose.

Whenyouwerereallyyoungyouprobablywerescaredofmonstersunderthebedorindarkspaces.Yousoonrealizethatthethreeeyed

monsterwithrowsofteethaboutdoesn’texist.Itwasjustimaginationorcruelty.Asyougetolderyoulearnthatmonstersdoexist,buttheydon’tliveunderthebed,andcanseemascharmingasroyalty.

Mostofourfearsarelikemonstersunderthebed.Theyareunnecessaryandoftenuntrue.Oncesomeonehasovercomeafearitcanseemridiculoustohaveeverbelievedinthatfear.Forreallifemonstersyounowknowhowtokeepthemawayandoutofyourlife.Overcomeyourfearsandtheworldopensupsomanynewopportunities.

Ihaveovercomemyfearofbulliesbyverballystandingupformyselfandphysicallyfightingback.

Iovercamemyfearofbeinguglybynolongerfocusingonwhateverflawsthe“popular”consensusdeclared.Imadeadeclarationtolovemybody.

Iovercamemyfearofpublicspeakingbytryingitoutafewtimesandlearningwhatstyleworksforme.

Alotoffearsvanishbecauseasweagewe(hopefully)learnfromnewexperiences.NothingwouldhavechangedifIcontinuedtothinkIwasnotcapable.Imadeaconsciousdecisiontolearndifferentwaysoflivinganddealingwithproblems.Ichosetochangeandbefierce.SomedaysareawfulorsadbecausebadthingshappenandbecauseImakemistakes,butmoreandmoreoftenIlearnbybeingawareofwhatwentwrong.Iknowthatthenextdaycouldbeamazinganditusuallyis.Istoppedlivinginfearandbecameaware.

Whatareyouafraidof?Writedowneverythingyouareafraidofandmakeyourselfapledgetoovercomethatfear.Wheneverpossibletaketimetocrossonefearoffyourlist.Lookforopportunitiestoovercomeyourfears.You’llneverknowwhatyouarecapableofuntilyouputyourselfoutthere.Anddon’tworryaboutfailing,ithappenstoeveryone.Livefierce.

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RESOURCES

Thebestwaytolearnphysicalselfdefenseistakingaclasswithacertifiedtrainerandtoseekingoutactivecommunitiesofpeoplethatwillrespectyouandprotectyourrights.Belowisalistoforganizationsthat

canhelpyou.Youcanalsocheckoutyourlocalgyms,communitycenters,colleges,andmartialartschoolsthatofferfreeorlowcostselfdefenseclasses.

Ifyouwanttodoevenmorestartyourowncommunitygroup.Youcouldhaveselfdefenseclasseseverymonth,startinitiativesthatencourageemotionalselfdefense,andworkwithyourcity,schoolsoremployeronprogramsthatreduceviolence.Thepossibilitiestocreatesafecommunitiesarebountiful.Youjusthavetotakethatfirststepandgetinvolved.

JustYellFire:Findatrainerwhowillvisityourschoolorcommunitycenterandteachaclass.Onthewebsiteyoucanwatchafreemovieaboutselfdefense.Therearetwoseparatevideos.Oneisformiddleandhighschoolgirlsandoneforcollegegirls.JustYellFire.com

GirlsFightBack:Atrainerwillvisityourschoolandgiveapresentationonselfdefense.Therearealsogreatresourcesonthewebsite.GirlsFightBack.com

Meetup:Searchforlocalselfdefenseinstructionandseminarsorstartoneyourself.Meetup.com

FindamartialartsschoolnearyouwithDojoLocator.comorthephonebook.

Hollaback:Aglobalinitiativetoendstreetharassmentofwomen.Youcanuploadvideosorpicturesofmenonthestreetwhohaveverballyorphysicallyassaultedyou.Learnfromothersexperiencesaboutwhattheydidtostopharassmentonthestreetoronpubictransportation.Hollaback.org

MenCanStopRape:Thisprogramgetstotherootoftheproblem.Menandboysstartclubsandbecomeinvolvedincreatingaculturethatrespectswomenandreducesviolence.MenCanStopRape.org

ImpowerYou:Freeinformationonimportantlifeskillssuchasphysicalandemotionalselfdefense,workplaceharassment,problemsolving,criticalthinking,andotherempoweringtools.ImpowerYou.org

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MorebooksfromLeahOviedo

Fierce;ANewGenerationofFemaleEmpowermentInthisbook,youngwomenareencouragedtoaskquestions,startdiscussionsaboutequalrightsandlookforwaystheycancreatepositivechangeintheircommunity.Partcalltoactionandpartinformational,Fiercecreatesdiscussionswithanewgenerationoffemaleswhohavebeenraisedwithmoreopportunitiesandmoreequalitythanwomenofpreviousgenerations.

IAmMoreThanJustaGirl;Empowered,Informed,EqualAfuninteractivebookforgirlsages13andolder.Thisbookteachesgirlsaboutpositivebodyimage,violenceprevention,women'srights,selfdefense,angerandstressmanagement,education,communityinvolvement,andmore.Itincludesfunactivities,journalpages,andhelplinenumbers.

WordArtandAffirmationsWhatwethink,read,andtoldinfluencesourverythoughtswhichinturninfluenceouractions.Whenyoufillyourworldwithpositivewordsitisabetterplace.Positivewordsmakeushappy,improveourselfesteemandprovideencouragement.Thisfunbookincludesaselectionofcolorfulwordartandaffirmationexercises.

HowWillYouCreatePositiveChange?Interviewswithpeoplearoundtheworldwhoareworkingtowardsbettercommunities.Theyvolunteerorworkonissuessuchashealth,violence,mentoring,education,equality,andsustainability.

WeWillCreatePositiveChange!Interviewswithpeoplearoundtheworldwhoareworkingandvolunteeringonenvironmentalissues.Fromurbanfarmingandorganicproducetowaterconservationandseedsaving,thesestorieswillinspireyoutocreateasustainableworld.

*AllbooksareavailableatImpowerYou.org,Bookemon.comandAmazon.com.