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Managing Conflict Successfully
Presented by: Jack G. Lee III, CPA
August 20, 2013
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Poll #1
• What answer best characterizes your reason for attending this web seminar?
– To gain insight my personal conflict management style
– To explore better ways for dealing with conflicts
– To learn how to prepare for a difficult conversation
– To find out how to address difficult performance issues
– Other
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Partner Performance and Accountability Webinars
• Our 2013 Partner Accountability Webinar Series has been designed to spark your strategic thinking in the area of partner performance and accountability, and includes the following sessions: – In Session 1 on June 25th, we focused on “Setting Partner
Expectations and Reporting to Drive Performance and Accountability”
– In Session 2 on July 16th, we learned about “Driving Partner Performance and Accountability with Feedback and Straight Talk”
– In today’s final session (Session 3), we’ll conclude the series with a discussion on “Managing Conflict Successfully”
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Our Agenda
• In this session, we will continue to explore how to improve our overall performance and accountability by:
– Understanding the barriers which keep us from effectively dealing with conflict
– Exploring the various conflict management styles and a better collaborative way of dealing with disappointments and upsets
– Identifying methods to uncover the underlying causes of conflicts
– Learning to “talk straight” and use specific language for handling conflicts more strategically and with more success
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Let’s Review: Keys to Performance and Accountability
Establish Unity
Around Firm Strategy
Define Performa
nce– Roles and
Goals
Monitor Performa
nce – Return
and Report
Evaluate and
Discuss Performa
nce
Reward Performa
nce
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Keys To Performance and Accountability
• To improve performance and accountability in your firm, there are three key attributes on which to focus:
– Unity – establishing unity around your firm strategy with trust as your foundation
– Ownership – defining roles and goals and taking responsibility for achieving results
– Accountability – monitoring and evaluating your performance, acknowledging you can be better
These come together in our Leadership Development Model…
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The Leadership Development Model
Establish Unity
Around Firm Strategy
Define Performance– Roles and
Goals
Monitor Performance – Return and
Report
Evaluate and Discuss
Performance
Reward Performance
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Ownership
Accountability Trust
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Lack of Trust = Lack of Unity
• The main reason firms struggle with forming and supporting a unified strategy is the lack of trust
• Lack of trust shows up as: – Inability to make decisions, or “churn”
– Triangulation and “side conversations”
– Internal competition vs. external
– Unresolved conflict and inability to move forward
– Lack of passion and energy
– Unwillingness to submit to or support group decisions
• Bottom Line: without trust you can’t have accountability and without accountability, you can’t have trust
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Three Trust Building Behaviors
• Integrity is more than “honesty” or “doing the right thing” and includes: – Keeping commitments – not over-committing and under-delivering
– Resetting expectations when commitments cannot be kept
• Accountability is following through on commitments and includes:
– Taking responsibility when their “things” are not going as planned
– Holding others accountable
• Straight Talk uses candor and honesty in all communications and tells it like it is, and includes:
– No beating around the bush
– No avoiding difficult subjects Integrity
Straight Talk
Trust
Account-ability 9
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Developing A “Get Better” Culture
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“Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.”
William Faulkner American Writer
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The Get Better Culture
• Leaders and managers are imperfect and can always get better – every day until they retire
• Leaders and managers need feedback to get better – no one is above feedback and input
• All firm processes, programs, services and other mechanical elements can always improve – there are no sacred cows
• Every person should be striving to get better and to improve the firm so it can get better, too
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Barriers That Keep Us From Effectively Dealing With Conflict
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Most of us don’t feel comfortable engaging in conflict because we are afraid of being wrong, causing an
argument, damaging relationships, or hurting people’s feelings
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How do you feel when you have a conflict with someone at work?
What do you usually do about it?
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Typical View of Conflict
• When there is a conflict, we mostly focus on the negative aspects
– The problem
– The consequences or impact of the conflict
– Our feelings about it
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Then We Tell Others!
• We don’t go directly to the person with whom we have a concern and instead, we tell others
– We call this “triangulation”
• This eventually “gets around” to the other party, eroding respect and trust
– And, it can erode trust and respect of those with whom you “confide” or “vent,” too
• Instead of professionally resolving the matter, you make it worse or at best, allow it to persist
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But Conflict Can Be Good!
• Because it:
– Highlights problems
– Promotes change
– Encourages compromise and shared solutions
– Enhances morale and group identity when dealt with openly
– Stimulates interest, creativity, and innovation
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How Do You Handle Conflict?
• There are four typical conflict management styles • Usually, one party approaches the conflict using their
dominant style and the other party adapts to it • You need to understand your dominant style at work,
realizing that – – You may use a different style at work than you do at home – You may use more than one of these but try to identify
your dominant style
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The Avoider
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The Accommodator
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The Confronter
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Compromiser
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Poll #2
•What’s your dominant style? – Avoider
– Accommodator
– Competitor
– Compromiser
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There Is Another Way!
The Collaborator
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There Is Another Way!
• Collaborating (“The Win-Win-er”)
– Working together
– Developing solutions
• Situational – change something!
• Appeal to major common goals (“the greater good”)
– Allowing each party to address their self-interest and achieve their desired outcome (or close to it)
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Don’t Be Afraid To Talk Straight!
• Straight talk is not “brutal honesty” – when done right, there’s nothing hurtful about it
• It’s not about redressing wrongs or giving someone the “what for” – where you are “right” and they are “wrong”
• It’s about caring enough about someone and your relationship with them to overcome your fear and express your insights so you can both improve
• It’s more about being vulnerable than forceful
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Don’t Be Afraid To Talk Straight!
• When you do, then your conflict partner can more openly share their thoughts, too
• So you can understand their perspective
• Then, you can both come to agreement on how to move forward constructively
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Poll #3
• What are some conflict examples that you encounter
in workplace? (check all that apply)
– A client doesn’t provide their information on time
– A client is upset about their invoice
– A partner or manager doesn’t follow a firm policy
– A colleague shuts down others by interrupting or shouting
– A staff person consistently misses agreed deadlines
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Preparing For Difficult Performance Conversations
(Before The Meeting)
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Preparing For Difficult Conversations
• Start by defining the conflict
– Examine the situation and consider possible solutions
– This is essentially a “venting” place for you to clear your
wrong-making thoughts
• Commit to having the discussion
– Set the time and place for the discussion
– Avoid distractions and public places
– Give yourself enough time
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Preparing For Difficult Conversations
• Prepare an outline of your view of the situation
– Consider the root cause and examine your
interpretations
– Ask how you could be as much as 100% responsible for
the problem
– Consider the ramifications
– Examine possible solutions
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Your Mindset
• The number one thing that will make a difference in managing difficult conversations is your mindset – Your likelihood of success in the conversation is low if
you’re coming from anger, irritation or that other person is “wrong” or inept, or other negative interpretations
– Your likelihood of the conversation going well is high if you center yourself around giving your “conflict partner” a gift that will enhance their whole life -- doing what’s in their best interest
• Come from a place of care and concern for your partner
• Have your intention be to inspire them to succeed
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To Adopt the Necessary Mindset…
…you have to take 100% responsibility for your role and give up making the other
party wrong!
… and instead look for ways to collaborate with your “conflict partner”
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Discussing Difficult Issues
NOT: “I’m right, you’re wrong” INSTEAD: “Let’s partner together”
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To Achieve Your Desired Outcome
• Self-honesty is required
• You have to acknowledge your self interest and be willing to share it – Vulnerability and humanity are required
– There are few real “Mother Theresas”
• Your goal is to create an environment where your conflict partner can do the same – You cannot collaborate until all agendas are on
the table
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Give Up Being Right
• You have a perspective and it’s your truth but it isn’t necessarily THE TRUTH
• Your truth is often clouded by your selfish interest or frustration that you are somehow dealing with an imposition – Carrying more weight than you should – Not getting all the credit you think you should get – Not having things go the way you expected
• The other party has their own selfish interest and their own view of things – which is sometimes oblivious to your concerns
• You need to speak with them to share your views, hear their views and have the full picture
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Distinguishing Self-Interest
• We all have self-interest which usually falls into one of the following categories:
– Looking good or avoiding looking bad
– Getting more time or taking less of our time
– Getting more money or taking less of our money
– Experiencing pleasure or some form of feeling good
• In effectively dealing with conflict, you have to openly share your self-interest and understand your conflict partner’s possible self-interest
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Conflict Example #1 Self Interest • Your co-worker didn’t complete their portion of a project by
Thursday and now it’s Friday afternoon and you feel immense pressure to get the work done
• Your self interest could include: – Not wanting to spend additional time (perhaps in the evening or over
the weekend) to complete your portion of the project – Wanting to look good to the client by delivering the project on time
early next week
• Your colleague’s self interest could include: – Wanting more time for other projects, personal interests, etc. – Not wanting to look bad because of questions they have or something
they don’t understand – Making more money because they are paid a bonus on new business
development (and not on client billings) so they focused on that first – Doing the “bigger boss’” work first so they will look good in their eyes
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Conflict Example #2 Self Interest • Your client has not paid their invoice which is now over 90
days outstanding and your managing partner is pressuring you to get it collected before the end of the month
• Your self interest could include: – Not wanting to spend additional time tracking down the client to pay
his bill on time – Not wanting to look bad in front of the managing partner – Not wanting to have your bonus negatively impacted by poor billing
and collection performance
• Your client’s self interest could include: – Not wanting to have a difficult conversation about the performance of
one of your team members on the engagement – Not wanting to look bad in front of their boss for causing fees to
increase due to missing project deadlines – Not wanting to have their bonus negatively impacted
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Interpretations
• There are many ways to interpret your conflict
– And it’s worth developing a number of potential ways to
view the conflict before identifying your approach to it
– We suggest you play an interpretations game
• Let’s explore some possible ways to interpret the
situation
– Consider both “ugly” (negative) and “hopeful” (positive)
interpretations
– Which is the truth?
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Conflict Example #1 Interpretations • You could be making your co-worker wrong for not
completing their portion of the project on time by thinking that he/she: – Is lazy – Doesn’t care about their work or the client – Is trying to sabotage you and make you look bad
• Hopeful, or positive interpretations that will be more constructive are that it’s possible that your co-worker: – Didn’t know the timeline – Wasn’t trained on the methodology so it took them longer – Received multiple assignments and didn’t know the priority of this one
over the others – Was afraid to communicate their roadblocks to you
Which is the truth?
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Conflict Example #2 Interpretations • You could be making your client wrong for not paying the
invoice by thinking that he/she: – Is incompetent in doing their job – Doesn’t care about you or your firm – Is trying to make his financial performance look better at your
expense
• Hopeful, or positive interpretations that will be more constructive are that it’s possible that your client: – Has some concerns about the service he wants to clear up before
paying the invoice – Needs help understanding the amount of the invoice and explaining
the value of the additional services to his boss – Has recently been dealing with a number of personal issues and
unable to address payment of outstanding invoices – Was afraid to communicate their short term cash flow concerns
Which is the truth?
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Interpretations Can Be Tricky!
• There are many potential reasons or causes for each
communication or performance breakdown
• Without having critical and honest information, your
approach could come from “made up stuff”
• Use the interpretations game to vent your negative
feelings about disappointments or unmet
expectations and see that there are other possible
interpretations that are worth exploring
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“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually
happened.”
Mark Twain
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Conducting Difficult Performance Conversations
(During The Meeting)
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“EOIS” Method
• When expectations aren’t met, recognize you have to undertake a “research” conversation to find out why
• Set up the conversation in a non-punishing, collaborative way
• Be clear and specific
• Follow an “expectation, observation, inquiry, stop”
approach
– “I had expected your portion of the Jones project on
Thursday, but it’s Friday afternoon and I do not have it yet.
Why do you think this has occurred?”
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Verbally Discussing the Area For Improvement
• Share what your expectation was
• Identify how the behavior or outcome differed
• Ask for the other party’s perspective on the situation – Be in an inquiry mode – remember, you don’t already know
• Some possible questions you could ask after you have shared your expectations and observations
– What is your view of what happened (or not happened)?
– What do you think caused this performance?
– Why do you think this occurred?
– How do you feel you about your performance in this area?
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Stop and Listen!
• Listen for cues and clues from the other party as to
what happened on their end
• Consider using reflective listening techniques, like: – Repeat what they say, usually by paraphrasing, “As I understand it…”
– Acknowledge any feelings they express, “So you feel that…”
• You can also use simple phrases to acknowledge that
you’re listening, but that don’t necessarily express
agreement – I see, I understand, I can appreciate that
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Listen For Clues
• You’re looking to see:
– Is the conflict caused by miscommunication or improperly
set expectations?
– Or from a lack of competency (skill, ability, experience,
talent)?
– Or, is there some sort of intention or motive that I’m
uncomfortable with?
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Three Common Causes
• Communication failures are usually two-way and require both parties to establish a new expectation and understanding of how they’ll behave, perform or interact going forward
• Competency issues can often be resolved with additional training, mentoring or experience – But sometimes, people lack the gifts to do the work
they’re assigned, in which case we can consider changing their role or removing them from the work
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Three Common Causes
• Motivation questions are far trickier to resolve and require an even greater depth of straight talk – They require that we acknowledge that we have selfish
interest in our relationships
– At work, we all want more (and at least not less!) money, time, esteem and peace of mind
– When we wonder why someone is doing something, we may have to acknowledge our self interest and ask them what theirs is
• “I am concerned that this project is delayed because I must now work on the weekend to get it delivered to the client on time. What caused this delay and how can we avoid it in the future?”
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Motive Concerns
• Sometimes we can’t get comfortable with the motives or intentions of the other party – This is the most difficult type of conflict to resolve as trust needs to be
rebuilt
• If you want to rebuild trust, you’ll have to extend trust by sharing your feelings – “We’ve now had three conversations about this and I still don’t
understand what’s motivating you and really want to understand it.”
– “I feel like you’re operating more out of your own self interest than in the interest of our team (our firm, our relationship). What can we do to ensure that we’re both working for the same common goal and not just for ourselves?”
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Optionally Share Impacts/Commitment
• Share your view of the impacts of the situation as it
sits today and state your commitment
– Provide concrete examples of the impacts and how those
impacts make you feel
• Share your commitment to the greater good and/or
other person and what you see is possible
– Ask for their commitment (or re-commitment)
– Remember, if you’re coming in support of your colleague’s
success and that you’re on his/her team, you’ll succeed
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Collaborate A Solution
• Ask for help in developing a solution to the issue and
restate your commitment
– Stop and listen again!
– Agree on what you’re both going to do to resolve the
matter
– Reiterate your commitment
• Realize that you may have to have multiple
conversations, especially if it’s a long-standing issue,
and that can be okay
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Listen Some More!
• Straight talk is a two-way street
• When you delve into what’s behind the issues, be prepared to look in the mirror!
• You both should be asking (and discussing): – Is there a different way to see or perceive things with the
information from this conversation?
– What could I do differently going forward?
– Is there an apology to make or accept?
– What communication mechanisms can we put in place to ensure that we don’t have this misunderstanding or disappointment again?
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When You Run Into Roadblocks
• When the other party isn’t engaged in the conversation or responds with “I don’t know,” or silence, consider: – Restating your commitment and any impacts
– Sharing that their perspective is the only way to generate a collaborative solution
• When the other party responds is anger or tears, indicating that the conflict may be the “tip of the iceberg” of underlying personal problems, consider: – Offering time to contemplate their view of the situation
and generate possible solutions and then regroup
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Common Mistakes
• Bringing emotion into the conversation – Wait until you can handle the matter strategically
• Using blame words – You should have, never, always
– How could you, what were you thinking, etc.
– I would assume you’d know this at your level (or based on prior engagements you’ve worked on, etc.)
• Taking a strong stand – We or you never, we or you always
– I totally disagree, hate when that happens, etc.
• Taking a weak stand – It would be good if you considered this…
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Common Mistakes
• Being insensitive to time and place
– Watch the temptation to “joke” or “jab” in a group setting about something you all know needs to change
– Avoid delivering feedback in a group setting unless the purpose of the meeting is to do so
• If the feedback has the potential to embarrass someone, deliver it in private
• Being insensitive to the “politics”
– Don’t let firm politics stop you from speaking out – but do allow them to have you consider the forum and approach
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Keep, Stop, Start
• Another wonderful straight talk method is called “keep, stop and start”
• It applies more to feedback that is invited or expected as in the case of mentoring meetings, performance appraisals or other structured feedback sessions
• Prior to the meeting, consider: – What do I most want my colleague to keep doing? (things they’re doing well
or that are of great value)
– What do I think my they should stop doing that they are doing now? (things that aren’t working or things they need to give up, delegate or relinquish)
– What do I think they should start doing that they are not yet doing? (things that will benefit them, their team or the firm if they take them on going forward)
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Conducting Difficult Performance Conversations
(After The Meeting)
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Document Agreed Upon Actions
• Agree on the actions and follow-up you’re both
going to commit to going forward
• Be specific about the decisions you agreed to and
document them in writing with any actions, who
owns them and by-when they’ll be complete
• Hold a check-in meeting 2-4 weeks after the initial
feedback meeting to see how things are progressing
• Encourage ongoing feedback or check in meetings
thereafter
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Ongoing Communication
• Use these strategies to create an environment for open and ongoing communication and feedback
• Teach all of your team members this approach and encourage performance conversations – it works downstream, upstream, and side-stream, too
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“Without the willingness to be vulnerable, we will not build deep and lasting relationships in life. That’s because there is no better way to earn a person’s trust than by putting ourselves in a position of unprotected weakness and demonstrating that we believe they will support us.”
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Patrick Lencioni
From “Getting Naked”
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Poll #4
• After of this session, I will practice the expectation, observation, inquiry, stop approach in a conversation with: – Someone to whom I am subordinate or a peer at work
– A subordinate I manage
– A client or a vendor
– Someone in my personal life
– Other
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Thank You!
• Contact us at any time!
Jack G. Lee III, CPA
(414) 659-9822 [email protected]
http://www.linkedin.com/in/jackleecpa
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Resources
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ConvergenceCoaching Resources
• ConvergenceCoaching’s web site includes information at:
– www.convergencecoaching.com
• Read our Coaching Concepts newsletter: – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/CoachingConcepts
• Visit our blog for posts on these topics:
– www.convergencecoaching.com/blog
• Visit our learning center for access to additional courses and our “Straight Talk Your Way to Success” e-book:
– http://www.convergencelearning.com
• Visit us on Facebook:
– http://www.facebook.com/convergencecoaching
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Experienced Partner Leadership Program • The EPLP will run from September 1, 2013 to August 31, 2014,
where participants will engage in: – Two, two-day in-person workshops including valuable peer sharing
and information exchange
– Tailored one-on-one coaching sessions
– Virtual roundtables to discuss relevant, strategic topics facing the profession and your firm
– A program project that will benefit you and your firm
– Access to resources, tools, online self-study learning, and web seminars
– And more - leading to inspiring, vision-based leadership behaviors!
• For more information and to register visit www.convergencelearning.com
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Conflict Management Resources • “Are You Guilty of Triangulation on the Job?” by Jennifer
Wilson – http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/Newsl
etters/Articles_2011/CPA/Jul/TriangulatingOnJob.jsp
• “Another Possible View” by Tamera Loerzel – http://www.convergencecoaching.com/blog/2010/05/another-
possible-view/
• Conducting Performance Feedback by Jennifer Wilson – http://www.cpa2biz.com/Content/media/PRODUCER_CONTENT/Newsl
etters/Articles_2011/CorpFin/Conducting_Performance_Feedback.jsp
• Conflict Management at – http://www.ctic.purdue.edu/KYW/Brochures/ManageConflict.html
• Conflict Resolution Network at www.crnhq.org/windskill1.html
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Conflict Management Resources • Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan,
Switzler, and Covey • Management by Kathryn M. Bartol and David C. Martin (Irwin
McGraw-Hill, 1998) • Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, &
Annie McKee (Harvard Business School Press, 2002) • Straight Talk Your Way To Success E-Book
– www.convergencelearning .com
• Ten Tips for Managing Conflict, Tension and Anger by Claire Albright – http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/selfhelp/a/tentips.htm
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ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.
Conflict Management Resources • “The Gift of Truth,” by Tamera Loerzel
– http://www.convergencecoaching.com/blog/2011/08/the-gift-of-truth/
• The Heart of a Leader by Ken Blanchard (1999)
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ConvergenceCoaching, LLC All rights reserved.
ConvergenceCoaching Strategic Partner
• Avalara – Avalara provides cloud-based, automated, end-to-end
compliance services for accounting and tax professionals and businesses of all sizes, including sales and use tax calculation, exemption certificate management, filing and remittance, and other related services
– www.avalara.com – Contact:
• Ray Bigley, VP Business Development • 206.465.5198 • [email protected]
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