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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman,
seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a
man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family
through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and
asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and
received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and
gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman
again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter,
which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of
Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.
A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet
blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor
said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would
come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at
the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no
better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury
on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?"
asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at
home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange
since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to
himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how
he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong
No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on
earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the
Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and
atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he
was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one
evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to
take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their
belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just
peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the
'JEW-BELOW'.
I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but
before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he
would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the
bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord
he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his
honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one,
how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
The case with the silk stockings
Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron
out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I
say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the
installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way
home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my
car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out
of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*
Masonic Blooper
WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in
the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...
There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him
and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on
FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified
himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old
Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in
puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a
brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter
informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The
Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the
kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first
to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in
Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat
was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw
nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are
you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "
Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and
they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the
ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "
My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.
Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening
in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work,
the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this
juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite
beer".
Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret!
.....................................................................
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the
minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the
way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
.....................................................................
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive
my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
"I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records,
and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years?
What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The
conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She)
What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell
me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She)
What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked
to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem
to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches
around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down,
following the white lines that ran down the center of the road.
All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump.
I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled
and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier
bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of
the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car.
Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its
head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam
from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you.
"Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it
was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I
remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I
bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!"
Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.
WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?
A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in
the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was
about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired.
Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected
from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden
stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position,
"What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your
escape"
DO-GOODERS!
There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that
they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they
do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.
Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek,
Florid.
While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee
prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to
congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of
the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with!
Enjoy
Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare.
A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do
you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"
Another first degree.
The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient
charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate
promptly did just that!!
(Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.).
Sent by: Drew Grant
Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE
A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many
takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road.
Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance
documents in his ritual book.
When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual
book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.
He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress,
which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother
was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to
restore himself to his personal comforts.
The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."
Sent by: Colin R Goss
PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small
country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the
local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got
into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow
into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty
bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police
station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what
had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there,
the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job
I was the Grand Decoy".
Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.
A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he
could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click
their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...
"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"
Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M.
Hartington Lodge No. 1021
Province of West Lancashire
United Grand Lodge of England
The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says:
"I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a
Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies:
"Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"
Sent by : Daniel Hoehr
MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)
In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing
shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him
as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to
jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been
erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence,
and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be
here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were
most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the
Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed.
The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and
said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot."
Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA
-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"
Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD
St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY
Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony".
Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret"
Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something"
Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"
Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS"
Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS".
Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"?
Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ...
Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was
executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.
"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I
killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the
Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who
found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the
hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?"
"Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot."
Sent by : Larry Johnson
Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his
friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when
you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he
pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron,
and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000
and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get
stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is
#1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you
learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for
#10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the
ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
Sent by : [email protected]
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship
went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no
idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he
spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are
there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the
rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh,
simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had
been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a
few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly
fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only
stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't
take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her
couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were
fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When
he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..."
he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?
Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud
formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that
they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his
dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the
Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200
feet up in a balloon."
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet
he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is
absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"
Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish)
Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE
One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and
his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some
distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and
after much persuasion this is what he did.
When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone,
and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but
wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how
the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular
questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65
brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out
correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the
night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the
night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.
Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.
Sent by :
(NAME) Edward Baral
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent
Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he
approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT
handshake).
After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss
asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very
confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.
His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."
Sent by :
(NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M.
(GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings
when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior
Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first
time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master
MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising
for annual inspection
Sent by :
(NAME) David Blue
(GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the
first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a
chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove
the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them
helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put
and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman
looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the
left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to
the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Richard Saxby Jr.
(GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I
will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant
to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the
hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him
and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for
him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who
won't pee in a mason jar!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook
(GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Anonimous
A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the
course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize
the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post
Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were
three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still
want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"
NAME = R Frith
GRANDLODGE = UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
For all the Ark Mariners
Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no
said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK
said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish;
Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one
thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-Story-Carp-Ark said God"
There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life
boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and
refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its
ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as
he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner
"God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!
NAME = Siddharth Dhawan
GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India
E-MAIL = [email protected]
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the
Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a
bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's
too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another
wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and
not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not
put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a
Brother.
That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot
about hunting and you can trully rely on him".
Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very
experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"
"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try
him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."
Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm
looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."
"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good
time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.
"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this
one."
"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
NAME = Felix Gordillo
GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida
E-MAIL = [email protected]
There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful
masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings,
the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the
alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother
impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow
to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric
Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the
Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who
humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother
and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and
informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!
NAME = Dai McClymont
GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only
properly tiled room in the house."
NAME = Lawson Purdie
GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been
weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).
NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM.
GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for
valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more
after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the
light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler
Jesus."
NAME = Allan Taylor
GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie
promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes,
but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you
make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The
woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady
asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your
flesh in the meantime"
NAME = Michael Morton
GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to
become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the
old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the
records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier
but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old
man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"
NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera
GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a
hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist
closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never
opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed
a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he
does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.
NAME = keith rowell
GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales
rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east
corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver
on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the
butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep
NAME = W.B. Alex Harper
GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada
Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.
What do you think goes on in there? asks one.
I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.
What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came
to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.
The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was
back out here with you.
name: Andrew Alexander
lodge: Lodge of Commerce
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria
A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate,
though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new
brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady
voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now
at liberty to retire."
To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he
heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."
name: Allan Barr P.M.
lodge: St. John Slamannan No.
grandlodge: Scotland
A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".
after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the
brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the
foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland
founded? to which the brother answered "pass".
undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of
Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner
further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer
was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother,
tell them nothing"!
name: Charles Kettles
lodge: Mad River # 77
grandlodge: GL of VT
“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We
happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic
Birds.”
Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to
investigate?
We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner
came over and offered to help us.
“What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked.
“Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried.
That one goes for $500 said the owner.
“What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked.
“That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner.
“And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked.
“That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he
sells for $1,000.”
“Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I
inquired.
“Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner.
“Wow”, I said, “What does he do?”
“Nothing.”, replied the owner.
“Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know.
“All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.
name: W.Bro Vic Gillam
lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England
A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow
cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand.
Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a
great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge.
Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them
has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the
Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in
the Lodge”.
The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up
there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate
who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the
ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was
very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the
visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The
Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me
from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the
farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a
neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the
hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"
name: Peter Taylor
lodge: Albert , 448
grandlodge: Scotland
A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food.
“I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!”
said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!”
said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the
Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve
never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come
home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”
name: Stewart Brass
lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario
There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own
lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler
standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk
"What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was
meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is
really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has
been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".
name: Edd Alexander
lodge: Mannford #515
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma
The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the
terrorist!
name: JP Bernard
lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96
grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec
"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"
WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,
A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO,
IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB,
HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.
THIS CREATED A STIR,
IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD,
WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN,
WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.
"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE"
TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN,
IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL,
WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.
BE IT AS IT MAY,
A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED,
TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT,
AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.
IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME,
WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY,
WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
WE HEARD SOME SAY.
CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED,
WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP,
WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY,
FALL AND BREAK A HIP.
THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON,
SEARCHING FOR THINGS,
WHILE AVOIDING REALITY,
THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".
THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT,
YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS,
WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE",
SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.
MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM,
I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME,
IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT,
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP,
WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE,
CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK,
WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.
THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED,
NOT ONE LITTLE BIT,
IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE,
THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.
EMBRACE THE FUTURE,
AS WELL AS THE PAST,
IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL,
WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.
Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005
========================================
and:
Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
- 2 to complain that the light does not work;
- 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes;
- 3 to do a study on light in the lodge;
- 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses;
- 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it;
- 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change;
- 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs";
- 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and
- 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed.
name: David William Jones
lodge: St Idloes No 1852
grandlodge: UGLE
A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door
before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the
police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll
simply never be the same again!"
After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how
materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?"
The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex
????..."
name: jnchowdhary
lodge: sanchi no. 247
grandlodge: india
A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer
the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the
junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the
candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
The Order
The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend
a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted
to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to
carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to
navigation.
Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting
visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced
the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s
order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a
fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied
together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist
covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the
landmarks of the order!”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
Masonic Limericks
Upon googling the internet with clicks,
I found Masonic limericks were nix.
Why is that so?
I really don’t know;
So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.
There once was a Freemason called Mitchell
Who had trouble remembering his ritual.
The Master said, “Son,
The learning’s not done
Until it becomes habitual.”
A visiting Brother from Texas
Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us.
He gave us a fright
As he stepped-off with his right;
He just happened to be ambidextrous.
There was a Freemason from Clydes
Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides,
The apron caught fire
And burned his entire
Front page, sports section and classifieds.
The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange,
A light bulb they had to exchange;
It no longer would glow,
But the Master said, “No,
In Freemasonry nothing can change.”
A one-legged Mason from Myrtle
Once had a race with a turtle;
But the turtle won fair
Because the man on the square
Went round the fourth part of a circle.
There was a young Mason from York
Who felt like a bit of a dork,
In his black penguin suit
And white apron to boot,
‘Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.
Three ruffians thought it was simple
To steal the builder’s secrets, until
He prevaricated - said “Nay,
I’ll not betray.”
So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell,
Who read words from the VSL.
Sometimes he’d mutter,
Sometimes he’d stutter,
And sometimes he’d even yell.
Two came for the first Tracing Board,
One by free will and accord;
But the other old bloke,
This is no joke,
Came by Model T Ford.
There was a young man named Jason
Who wanted to become a Freemason;
But when a Brother of note
Said, “You’ll ride the goat”,
Jason from the Mason did hasten.
The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,
“In times of difficulty and strife,
Tell us, you must,
In whom do you trust?”
The Candidate replied, “In the wife.”
There once was a PM from Mayne
Who did nothing in Lodge but complain.
That wasn’t the way
It was done in his day.
He really was a terrible pain.
Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster,
Once caused an embarassing disaster.
When asked for the Word
He said, “Don’t be absurd,
You should know that I’m the Grand Master!”
The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin
Served the Festive Board, with a grin.
But the size of each plate
Was so overweight,
The Junior Warden said, “Halve it, and begin.”
name: Fraser Card
lodge: King Hiram # 78
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada
It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get
home, so you can tell me all about it then."
Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot
on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked.
Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their
days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this
Lodge thing is going to divide us ? "
Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for
the newly invested.....
After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta
understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls
then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and
sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? "
The bride swears to it all.....
Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during
the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your
clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there
in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on....
"So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most
beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she
was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... "
With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! "
Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows
Lodge eh ! "
Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...
Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just
north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor
plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they
met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June.
In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no
such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and
there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would
howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as
they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets
and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their
wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in
the building!
Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation
among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November
through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the
Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night."
Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was
always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the
Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had
(the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know?
Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?
Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then
Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years
you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous
night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets
looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very
triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many
of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright
from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow
circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she
laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always
made himself the object of the story...
MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about
Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in
the winter months.
One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking
engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known
for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances
are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.
But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to
disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the
pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into
his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his
license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and
MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the
documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a
Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in
Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most
Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper
replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."
Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the
trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so
away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his
rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the
officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes,
I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he
was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he
thought. "Only a half hour away."
The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S.
thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go
again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the
inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a
Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified
himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you
writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a
warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a
warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"
The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In
Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is
Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from
his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey
name: Gary Woodbridge
lodge: Bolingbroke 2417
grandlodge: U.G.L.E
Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great
Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us
to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother
Pat passed away after a short illness.
Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill",
"Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat.
"Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.
"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our
workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point"
"Whats that" enquired Pat.
"Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree"
"Why is that so sad" asked Bill.
"Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon"
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia
Masonic Riddles
Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published
before. Enjoy.
Ballot
Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?
A. Electile dysfunction.
Boaz
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married?
A. Ruthless.
Brewery
Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery?
A. High time.
Bright Freemasons
Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting?
A. Wake up.
Crocodile
Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons?
A. Because they would lodge in its throat.
Cross the Road
Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?
A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.
Drawbridge
Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge?
A. So moat it be.
Festive Board
Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive
Board.
A. Halve it and begin.
Finders Keepers
Q. Where do you find Freemasons?
A. It depends where you lost them.
Freemason or Not?
Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason?
A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.
Freeway
Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike?
A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.
Grand Lodge Above No.1
Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because they’re not dead.
Grand Lodge Above No.2
Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.
Hiram and the Sheriff
Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common?
A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.
Hiram et al
Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common?
A. They’re all monumental masons.
King Solomon’s Temple
Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?
A. On the side of his head.
Lodges and Pubs
Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common?
A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.
Masonic Apron
Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons?
A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.
Masonic Beavers
Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do?
A. Build a grand lodge.
Masonic Colours No.1
Q. What’s black, white, blue and green?
A. A seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.2
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.3
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.
Masonic Dad
Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach?
A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!
Masonic Elephant
Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant?
A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.
Masonic Knock-Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy date for Freemasonry.
Masonic Light Bulb No.1
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. No one knows. It’s a secret.
Masonic Light Bulb No.2
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. CHANGE?
Masonic Policeman
Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge?
A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.
Masonic Terrorists
Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?
A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.
Masonic Thermometer
Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer?
A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.
Non-Masonic Light Bulb
Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are in eternal darkness.
Password
Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge?
A. Because they don’t sell tickets.
Past Masters and Politicians
Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians?
A. Politicians want to change things.
Rhinoceros
Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros?
A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.
Rough Stuff
Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets?
A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
The AGSW and the Funeral
Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral?
A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1
Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger?
A. A tiger.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2
Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft?
A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.
The Grip
Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake?
A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.
The Illuminator
Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge?
A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.
The King is Dead
Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died?
A. That’s Saul folks.
The King’s Limo
Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive?
A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
The Staircase
Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs?
A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.
Tongue in Cheek
Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain?
A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.
To Order
Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order?
A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.
Tyler Tiler
Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler?
A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.
VSL
Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law?
A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.
Who am I?
Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, first of all figures,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who am I?
(Clue: Roman numerals)
A. DAVID
Whodunit?
Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft?
A. You're always one of the usual suspects.
Women Freemasons
Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry?
A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!
name: Roy Fairhurst
lodge: Lodge of Faith 344
grandlodge: UGL England
A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were
coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool
and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior
Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or
tyler"
name: Robert Kelly
lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213
grandlodge: Missouri
The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the
replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out
the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three
conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the
current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in
construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the
new one was built.
name: John Upton
lodge: Deepdene No. 356
grandlodge: Victoria, Australia
The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was
VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand
Carpenter"!!!
name: Michael Bonner
lodge: Harmony #370
grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason?
He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.
name: Brian Mc Dowell
lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia
grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria
King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on
this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the
drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs.
The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast
aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.
Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery
mess,
"Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"
name: Wilhelm Hernandez
lodge: Transportation Lodge 103
grandlodge: Canada
There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell
about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as
promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have
been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.
name: Rohit J. Varma
lodge: St. John's Lodge 434
grandlodge: UGLE
Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?"
Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"
name: Sean Brimlow
lodge: Wynnstay 3876
grandlodge: England and Wales
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He
was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
name: Mark Cottington
lodge: Mid Sussex 7642
grandlodge: Sussex
WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an
empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM
square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me
again I can still hear him"
name: James Watkins
lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134
grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN
Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was
scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go
home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate
was sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very
small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed
knew the other fellow as a used car salesman.
After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait
his turn.
When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over
the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier
in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket
that he had planned to feed his dogs.
Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out.
Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home.
Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the
waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold
sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies
the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the
Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on
Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so
important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters
name: James Watkins
lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee
A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K
of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he
replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly
confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the
Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being re-carpeted. Say, you didn't give
them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!
name: Jim Hilton
lodge: Loyal No. 5040
grandlodge: England
My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell
was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will
offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you
never know who you are sat next to.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was
absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him
the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked
the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half
way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the
short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time.
When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free
wheel and a cord!"
The Structure of the Lodge
The Right Worshipful Master
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Express
Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water.
Gives policy to God
The Worshipful Senior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God
The Worshipful Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind.
Is almost as powerful as a goods train
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet.
Walks on water of a swimming pool.
Talks with God if special dispensation is given.
The Senior Deacon
Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God
The Junior Deacon
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by trains
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles,
Talks with the animals
The Inner Guard
Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest.
Talks to walls
The Steward
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles,
Mumbles to himself
The Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is God !
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman,
seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a
man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family
through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and
asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and
received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and
gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman
again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter,
which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of
Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.
A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet
blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor
said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would
come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at
the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no
better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury
on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?"
asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at
home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange
since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to
himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how
he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong
No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on
earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the
Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and
atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he
was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one
evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to
take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their
belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just
peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the
'JEW-BELOW'.
I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but
before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he
would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the
bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord
he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his
honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one,
how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
The case with the silk stockings
Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron
out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I
say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the
installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way
home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my
car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out
of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*
Masonic Blooper
WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in
the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...
There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him
and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on
FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified
himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old
Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in
puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a
brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter
informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The
Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the
kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first
to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in
Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat
was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw
nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are
you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "
Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and
they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the
ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "
My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.
Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening
in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work,
the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this
juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite
beer".
Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret!
.....................................................................
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the
minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the
way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
.....................................................................
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive
my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
"I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records,
and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years?
What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The
conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She)
What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell
me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She)
What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked
to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem
to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches
around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down,
following the white lines that ran down the center of the road.
All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump.
I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled
and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier
bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of
the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car.
Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its
head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam
from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you.
"Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it
was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I
remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I
bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!"
Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.
WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?
A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in
the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was
about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired.
Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected
from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden
stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position,
"What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your
escape"
DO-GOODERS!
There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that
they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they
do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.
Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek,
Florid.
While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee
prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to
congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of
the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with!
Enjoy
Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare.
A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do
you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"
Another first degree.
The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient
charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate
promptly did just that!!
(Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.).
Sent by: Drew Grant
Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE
A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many
takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road.
Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance
documents in his ritual book.
When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual
book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.
He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress,
which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother
was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to
restore himself to his personal comforts.
The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."
Sent by: Colin R Goss
PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small
country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the
local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got
into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow
into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty
bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police
station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what
had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there,
the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job
I was the Grand Decoy".
Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.
A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he
could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click
their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...
"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"
Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M.
Hartington Lodge No. 1021
Province of West Lancashire
United Grand Lodge of England
The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says:
"I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a
Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies:
"Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"
Sent by : Daniel Hoehr
MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)
In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing
shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him
as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to
jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been
erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence,
and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be
here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were
most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the
Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed.
The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and
said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot."
Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA
-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"
Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD
St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY
Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony".
Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret"
Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something"
Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"
Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS"
Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS".
Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"?
Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ...
Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was
executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.
"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I
killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the
Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who
found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the
hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?"
"Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot."
Sent by : Larry Johnson
Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his
friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when
you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he
pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron,
and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000
and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get
stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is
#1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you
learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for
#10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the
ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
Sent by : [email protected]
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship
went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no
idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he
spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are
there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the
rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh,
simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had
been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a
few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly
fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only
stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't
take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her
couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were
fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When
he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..."
he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?
Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud
formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that
they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his
dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the
Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200
feet up in a balloon."
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet
he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is
absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"
Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish)
Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE
One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and
his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some
distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and
after much persuasion this is what he did.
When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone,
and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but
wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how
the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular
questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65
brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out
correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the
night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the
night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.
Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.
Sent by :
(NAME) Edward Baral
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent
Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he
approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT
handshake).
After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss
asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very
confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.
His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."
Sent by :
(NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M.
(GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings
when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior
Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first
time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master
MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising
for annual inspection
Sent by :
(NAME) David Blue
(GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the
first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a
chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove
the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them
helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put
and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman
looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the
left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to
the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Richard Saxby Jr.
(GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I
will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant
to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the
hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him
and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for
him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who
won't pee in a mason jar!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook
(GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Anonimous
A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the
course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize
the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post
Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were
three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still
want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"
NAME = R Frith
GRANDLODGE = UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
For all the Ark Mariners
Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no
said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK
said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish;
Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one
thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-Story-Carp-Ark said God"
There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life
boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and
refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its
ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as
he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner
"God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!
NAME = Siddharth Dhawan
GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India
E-MAIL = [email protected]
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the
Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a
bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's
too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another
wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and
not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not
put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a
Brother.
That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot
about hunting and you can trully rely on him".
Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very
experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"
"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try
him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."
Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm
looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."
"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good
time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.
"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this
one."
"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
NAME = Felix Gordillo
GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida
E-MAIL = [email protected]
There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful
masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings,
the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the
alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother
impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow
to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric
Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the
Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who
humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother
and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and
informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!
NAME = Dai McClymont
GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only
properly tiled room in the house."
NAME = Lawson Purdie
GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been
weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).
NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM.
GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for
valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more
after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the
light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler
Jesus."
NAME = Allan Taylor
GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie
promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes,
but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you
make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The
woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady
asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your
flesh in the meantime"
NAME = Michael Morton
GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to
become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the
old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the
records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier
but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old
man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"
NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera
GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a
hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist
closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never
opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed
a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he
does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.
NAME = keith rowell
GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales
rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east
corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver
on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the
butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep
NAME = W.B. Alex Harper
GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada
Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.
What do you think goes on in there? asks one.
I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.
What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came
to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.
The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was
back out here with you.
name: Andrew Alexander
lodge: Lodge of Commerce
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria
A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate,
though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new
brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady
voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now
at liberty to retire."
To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he
heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."
name: Allan Barr P.M.
lodge: St. John Slamannan No.
grandlodge: Scotland
A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".
after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the
brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the
foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland
founded? to which the brother answered "pass".
undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of
Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner
further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer
was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother,
tell them nothing"!
name: Charles Kettles
lodge: Mad River # 77
grandlodge: GL of VT
“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We
happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic
Birds.”
Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to
investigate?
We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner
came over and offered to help us.
“What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked.
“Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried.
That one goes for $500 said the owner.
“What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked.
“That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner.
“And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked.
“That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he
sells for $1,000.”
“Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I
inquired.
“Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner.
“Wow”, I said, “What does he do?”
“Nothing.”, replied the owner.
“Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know.
“All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.
name: W.Bro Vic Gillam
lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England
A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow
cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand.
Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a
great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge.
Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them
has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the
Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in
the Lodge”.
The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up
there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate
who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the
ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was
very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the
visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The
Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me
from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the
farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a
neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the
hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"
name: Peter Taylor
lodge: Albert , 448
grandlodge: Scotland
A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food.
“I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!”
said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!”
said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the
Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve
never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come
home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”
name: Stewart Brass
lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario
There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own
lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler
standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk
"What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was
meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is
really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has
been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".
name: Edd Alexander
lodge: Mannford #515
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma
The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the
terrorist!
name: JP Bernard
lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96
grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec
"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"
WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,
A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO,
IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB,
HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.
THIS CREATED A STIR,
IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD,
WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN,
WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.
"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE"
TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN,
IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL,
WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.
BE IT AS IT MAY,
A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED,
TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT,
AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.
IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME,
WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY,
WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
WE HEARD SOME SAY.
CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED,
WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP,
WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY,
FALL AND BREAK A HIP.
THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON,
SEARCHING FOR THINGS,
WHILE AVOIDING REALITY,
THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".
THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT,
YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS,
WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE",
SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.
MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM,
I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME,
IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT,
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP,
WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE,
CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK,
WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.
THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED,
NOT ONE LITTLE BIT,
IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE,
THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.
EMBRACE THE FUTURE,
AS WELL AS THE PAST,
IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL,
WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.
Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005
========================================
and:
Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
- 2 to complain that the light does not work;
- 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes;
- 3 to do a study on light in the lodge;
- 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses;
- 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it;
- 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change;
- 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs";
- 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and
- 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed.
name: David William Jones
lodge: St Idloes No 1852
grandlodge: UGLE
A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door
before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the
police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll
simply never be the same again!"
After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how
materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?"
The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex
????..."
name: jnchowdhary
lodge: sanchi no. 247
grandlodge: india
A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer
the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the
junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the
candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
The Order
The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend
a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted
to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to
carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to
navigation.
Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting
visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced
the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s
order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a
fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied
together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist
covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the
landmarks of the order!”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
Masonic Limericks
Upon googling the internet with clicks,
I found Masonic limericks were nix.
Why is that so?
I really don’t know;
So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.
There once was a Freemason called Mitchell
Who had trouble remembering his ritual.
The Master said, “Son,
The learning’s not done
Until it becomes habitual.”
A visiting Brother from Texas
Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us.
He gave us a fright
As he stepped-off with his right;
He just happened to be ambidextrous.
There was a Freemason from Clydes
Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides,
The apron caught fire
And burned his entire
Front page, sports section and classifieds.
The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange,
A light bulb they had to exchange;
It no longer would glow,
But the Master said, “No,
In Freemasonry nothing can change.”
A one-legged Mason from Myrtle
Once had a race with a turtle;
But the turtle won fair
Because the man on the square
Went round the fourth part of a circle.
There was a young Mason from York
Who felt like a bit of a dork,
In his black penguin suit
And white apron to boot,
‘Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.
Three ruffians thought it was simple
To steal the builder’s secrets, until
He prevaricated - said “Nay,
I’ll not betray.”
So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell,
Who read words from the VSL.
Sometimes he’d mutter,
Sometimes he’d stutter,
And sometimes he’d even yell.
Two came for the first Tracing Board,
One by free will and accord;
But the other old bloke,
This is no joke,
Came by Model T Ford.
There was a young man named Jason
Who wanted to become a Freemason;
But when a Brother of note
Said, “You’ll ride the goat”,
Jason from the Mason did hasten.
The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,
“In times of difficulty and strife,
Tell us, you must,
In whom do you trust?”
The Candidate replied, “In the wife.”
There once was a PM from Mayne
Who did nothing in Lodge but complain.
That wasn’t the way
It was done in his day.
He really was a terrible pain.
Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster,
Once caused an embarassing disaster.
When asked for the Word
He said, “Don’t be absurd,
You should know that I’m the Grand Master!”
The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin
Served the Festive Board, with a grin.
But the size of each plate
Was so overweight,
The Junior Warden said, “Halve it, and begin.”
name: Fraser Card
lodge: King Hiram # 78
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada
It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get
home, so you can tell me all about it then."
Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot
on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked.
Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their
days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this
Lodge thing is going to divide us ? "
Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for
the newly invested.....
After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta
understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls
then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and
sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? "
The bride swears to it all.....
Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during
the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your
clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there
in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on....
"So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most
beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she
was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... "
With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! "
Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows
Lodge eh ! "
Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...
Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just
north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor
plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they
met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June.
In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no
such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and
there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would
howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as
they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets
and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their
wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in
the building!
Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation
among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November
through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the
Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night."
Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was
always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the
Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had
(the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know?
Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?
Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then
Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years
you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous
night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets
looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very
triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many
of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright
from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow
circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she
laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always
made himself the object of the story...
MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about
Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in
the winter months.
One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking
engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known
for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances
are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.
But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to
disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the
pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into
his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his
license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and
MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the
documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a
Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in
Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most
Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper
replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."
Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the
trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so
away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his
rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the
officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes,
I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he
was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he
thought. "Only a half hour away."
The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S.
thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go
again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the
inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a
Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified
himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you
writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a
warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a
warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"
The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In
Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is
Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from
his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey
name: Gary Woodbridge
lodge: Bolingbroke 2417
grandlodge: U.G.L.E
Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great
Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us
to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother
Pat passed away after a short illness.
Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill",
"Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat.
"Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.
"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our
workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point"
"Whats that" enquired Pat.
"Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree"
"Why is that so sad" asked Bill.
"Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon"
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia
Masonic Riddles
Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published
before. Enjoy.
Ballot
Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?
A. Electile dysfunction.
Boaz
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married?
A. Ruthless.
Brewery
Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery?
A. High time.
Bright Freemasons
Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting?
A. Wake up.
Crocodile
Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons?
A. Because they would lodge in its throat.
Cross the Road
Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?
A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.
Drawbridge
Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge?
A. So moat it be.
Festive Board
Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive
Board.
A. Halve it and begin.
Finders Keepers
Q. Where do you find Freemasons?
A. It depends where you lost them.
Freemason or Not?
Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason?
A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.
Freeway
Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike?
A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.
Grand Lodge Above No.1
Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because they’re not dead.
Grand Lodge Above No.2
Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.
Hiram and the Sheriff
Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common?
A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.
Hiram et al
Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common?
A. They’re all monumental masons.
King Solomon’s Temple
Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?
A. On the side of his head.
Lodges and Pubs
Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common?
A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.
Masonic Apron
Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons?
A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.
Masonic Beavers
Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do?
A. Build a grand lodge.
Masonic Colours No.1
Q. What’s black, white, blue and green?
A. A seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.2
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.3
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.
Masonic Dad
Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach?
A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!
Masonic Elephant
Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant?
A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.
Masonic Knock-Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy date for Freemasonry.
Masonic Light Bulb No.1
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. No one knows. It’s a secret.
Masonic Light Bulb No.2
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. CHANGE?
Masonic Policeman
Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge?
A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.
Masonic Terrorists
Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?
A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.
Masonic Thermometer
Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer?
A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.
Non-Masonic Light Bulb
Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are in eternal darkness.
Password
Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge?
A. Because they don’t sell tickets.
Past Masters and Politicians
Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians?
A. Politicians want to change things.
Rhinoceros
Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros?
A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.
Rough Stuff
Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets?
A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
The AGSW and the Funeral
Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral?
A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1
Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger?
A. A tiger.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2
Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft?
A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.
The Grip
Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake?
A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.
The Illuminator
Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge?
A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.
The King is Dead
Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died?
A. That’s Saul folks.
The King’s Limo
Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive?
A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
The Staircase
Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs?
A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.
Tongue in Cheek
Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain?
A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.
To Order
Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order?
A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.
Tyler Tiler
Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler?
A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.
VSL
Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law?
A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.
Who am I?
Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, first of all figures,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who am I?
(Clue: Roman numerals)
A. DAVID
Whodunit?
Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft?
A. You're always one of the usual suspects.
Women Freemasons
Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry?
A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!
name: Roy Fairhurst
lodge: Lodge of Faith 344
grandlodge: UGL England
A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were
coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool
and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior
Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or
tyler"
name: Robert Kelly
lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213
grandlodge: Missouri
The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the
replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out
the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three
conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the
current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in
construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the
new one was built.
name: John Upton
lodge: Deepdene No. 356
grandlodge: Victoria, Australia
The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was
VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand
Carpenter"!!!
name: Michael Bonner
lodge: Harmony #370
grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason?
He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.
name: Brian Mc Dowell
lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia
grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria
King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on
this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the
drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs.
The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast
aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.
Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery
mess,
"Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"
name: Wilhelm Hernandez
lodge: Transportation Lodge 103
grandlodge: Canada
There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell
about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as
promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have
been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.
name: Rohit J. Varma
lodge: St. John's Lodge 434
grandlodge: UGLE
Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?"
Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"
name: Sean Brimlow
lodge: Wynnstay 3876
grandlodge: England and Wales
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He
was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
name: Mark Cottington
lodge: Mid Sussex 7642
grandlodge: Sussex
WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an
empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM
square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me
again I can still hear him"
name: James Watkins
lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134
grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN
Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was
scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go
home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate
was sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very
small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed
knew the other fellow as a used car salesman.
After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait
his turn.
When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over
the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier
in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket
that he had planned to feed his dogs.
Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out.
Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home.
Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the
waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold
sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies
the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the
Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on
Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so
important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters
name: James Watkins
lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee
A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K
of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he
replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly
confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the
Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being re-carpeted. Say, you didn't give
them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!
name: Jim Hilton
lodge: Loyal No. 5040
grandlodge: England
My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell
was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will
offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you
never know who you are sat next to.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was
absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him
the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked
the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half
way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the
short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time.
When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free
wheel and a cord!"
The Structure of the Lodge
The Right Worshipful Master
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Express
Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water.
Gives policy to God
The Worshipful Senior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God
The Worshipful Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind.
Is almost as powerful as a goods train
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet.
Walks on water of a swimming pool.
Talks with God if special dispensation is given.
The Senior Deacon
Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God
The Junior Deacon
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by trains
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles,
Talks with the animals
The Inner Guard
Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest.
Talks to walls
The Steward
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles,
Mumbles to himself
The Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is God !
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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman,
seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a
man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family
through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and
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received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and
gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman
again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter,
which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of
Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.
A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet
blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor
said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would
come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at
the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no
better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury
on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?"
asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."
On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at
home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange
since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to
himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how
he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong
No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on
earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the
Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and
atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he
was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one
evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to
take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their
belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just
peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the
'JEW-BELOW'.
I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but
before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he
would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the
bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord
he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his
honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one,
how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
The case with the silk stockings
Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron
out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I
say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the
installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way
home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my
car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out
of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*
Masonic Blooper
WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in
the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...
There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him
and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on
FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified
himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old
Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in
puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a
brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter
informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The
Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the
kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first
to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in
Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat
was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw
nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are
you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "
Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and
they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the
ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." "
My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad.
Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
"Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening
in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work,
the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this
juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite
beer".
Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret!
.....................................................................
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the
minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the
way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
.....................................................................
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive
my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
"I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records,
and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years?
What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The
conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She)
What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell
me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She)
What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked
to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem
to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches
around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down,
following the white lines that ran down the center of the road.
All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump.
I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled
and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier
bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of
the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car.
Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its
head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam
from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you.
"Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it
was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I
remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I
bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!"
Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.
WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY?
A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in
the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was
about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired.
Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected
from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden
stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position,
"What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your
escape"
DO-GOODERS!
There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that
they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they
do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.
Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek,
Florid.
While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee
prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to
congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of
the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with!
Enjoy
Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare.
A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do
you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"
Another first degree.
The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient
charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate
promptly did just that!!
(Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.).
Sent by: Drew Grant
Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE
A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many
takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road.
Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance
documents in his ritual book.
When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual
book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.
He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress,
which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother
was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to
restore himself to his personal comforts.
The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."
Sent by: Colin R Goss
PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small
country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the
local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got
into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow
into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty
bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police
station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what
had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there,
the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job
I was the Grand Decoy".
Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.
A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he
could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click
their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...
"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"
Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M.
Hartington Lodge No. 1021
Province of West Lancashire
United Grand Lodge of England
The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says:
"I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a
Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies:
"Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"
Sent by : Daniel Hoehr
MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)
In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing
shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him
as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to
jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been
erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence,
and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be
here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were
most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the
Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed.
The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and
said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot."
Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA
-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"
Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD
St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY
Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony".
Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret"
Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something"
Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"
Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS"
Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS".
Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"?
Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ...
Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was
executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.
"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I
killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the
Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who
found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the
hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?"
"Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot."
Sent by : Larry Johnson
Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his
friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when
you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he
pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron,
and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000
and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get
stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is
#1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you
learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for
#10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the
ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
Sent by : [email protected]
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship
went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no
idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he
spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from?
How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my
cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are
there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the
rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh,
simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of
the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had
been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a
few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly
fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only
stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it
home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't
take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her
couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were
fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When
he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..."
he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?
Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud
formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that
they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his
dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the
Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200
feet up in a balloon."
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet
he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is
absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"
Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish)
Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE
One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and
his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some
distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and
after much persuasion this is what he did.
When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone,
and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but
wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how
the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular
questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65
brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out
correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the
night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the
night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.
Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.
Sent by :
(NAME) Edward Baral
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent
Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he
approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT
handshake).
After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss
asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very
confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.
His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."
Sent by :
(NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M.
(GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings
when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior
Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first
time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master
MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising
for annual inspection
Sent by :
(NAME) David Blue
(GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the
first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a
chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove
the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them
helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put
and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman
looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the
left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to
the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Richard Saxby Jr.
(GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I
will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant
to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the
hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him
and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for
him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who
won't pee in a mason jar!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook
(GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia
(E-MAIL) [email protected]
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
Sent by :
(NAME) Anonimous
A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the
course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize
the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post
Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were
three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still
want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"
NAME = R Frith
GRANDLODGE = UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
For all the Ark Mariners
Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no
said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK
said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish;
Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one
thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-Story-Carp-Ark said God"
There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life
boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and
refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its
ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as
he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner
"God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!
NAME = Siddharth Dhawan
GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India
E-MAIL = [email protected]
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the
Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a
bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's
too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another
wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and
not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not
put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a
Brother.
That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot
about hunting and you can trully rely on him".
Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very
experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"
"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try
him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."
Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm
looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."
"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good
time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.
"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this
one."
"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"
At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge
building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse
poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration
and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the
next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he
said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore
all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
NAME = Felix Gordillo
GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida
E-MAIL = [email protected]
There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful
masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings,
the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the
alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother
impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow
to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric
Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the
Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who
humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother
and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and
informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!
NAME = Dai McClymont
GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only
properly tiled room in the house."
NAME = Lawson Purdie
GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been
weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).
NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM.
GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for
valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more
after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the
light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler
Jesus."
NAME = Allan Taylor
GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland
E-MAIL = [email protected]
One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie
promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes,
but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you
make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The
woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady
asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your
flesh in the meantime"
NAME = Michael Morton
GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to
become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the
old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the
records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier
but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old
man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"
NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera
GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph
E-MAIL = [email protected]
A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a
hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist
closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never
opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed
a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he
does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.
NAME = keith rowell
GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE
E-MAIL = [email protected]
two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales
rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east
corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver
on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the
butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep
NAME = W.B. Alex Harper
GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada
Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.
What do you think goes on in there? asks one.
I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.
What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came
to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.
The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was
back out here with you.
name: Andrew Alexander
lodge: Lodge of Commerce
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria
A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate,
though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new
brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady
voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now
at liberty to retire."
To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he
heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."
name: Allan Barr P.M.
lodge: St. John Slamannan No.
grandlodge: Scotland
A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".
after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the
brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the
foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland
founded? to which the brother answered "pass".
undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of
Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner
further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer
was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother,
tell them nothing"!
name: Charles Kettles
lodge: Mad River # 77
grandlodge: GL of VT
“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We
happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic
Birds.”
Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to
investigate?
We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner
came over and offered to help us.
“What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked.
“Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried.
That one goes for $500 said the owner.
“What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked.
“That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner.
“And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked.
“That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he
sells for $1,000.”
“Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I
inquired.
“Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner.
“Wow”, I said, “What does he do?”
“Nothing.”, replied the owner.
“Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know.
“All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.
name: W.Bro Vic Gillam
lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England
A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow
cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand.
Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a
great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge.
Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them
has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the
Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in
the Lodge”.
The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”
name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up
there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate
who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the
ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was
very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"
name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland
A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the
visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The
Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me
from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the
farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a
neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the
hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"
name: Peter Taylor
lodge: Albert , 448
grandlodge: Scotland
A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food.
“I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!”
said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!”
said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the
Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve
never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come
home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”
name: Stewart Brass
lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario
There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own
lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler
standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk
"What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was
meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is
really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has
been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".
name: Edd Alexander
lodge: Mannford #515
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma
The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the
terrorist!
name: JP Bernard
lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96
grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec
"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"
WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,
A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO,
IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB,
HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.
THIS CREATED A STIR,
IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD,
WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN,
WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.
"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE"
TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN,
IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL,
WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.
BE IT AS IT MAY,
A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED,
TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT,
AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.
IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME,
WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY,
WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,
WE HEARD SOME SAY.
CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED,
WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP,
WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY,
FALL AND BREAK A HIP.
THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON,
SEARCHING FOR THINGS,
WHILE AVOIDING REALITY,
THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".
THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT,
YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS,
WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE",
SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.
MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM,
I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME,
IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT,
IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.
WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP,
WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE,
CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK,
WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.
THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED,
NOT ONE LITTLE BIT,
IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE,
THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.
EMBRACE THE FUTURE,
AS WELL AS THE PAST,
IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL,
WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.
Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005
========================================
and:
Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:
- 2 to complain that the light does not work;
- 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes;
- 3 to do a study on light in the lodge;
- 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses;
- 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it;
- 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change;
- 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs";
- 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and
- 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed.
name: David William Jones
lodge: St Idloes No 1852
grandlodge: UGLE
A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door
before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the
police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll
simply never be the same again!"
After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how
materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?"
The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex
????..."
name: jnchowdhary
lodge: sanchi no. 247
grandlodge: india
A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer
the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the
junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the
candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
The Order
The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend
a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted
to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to
carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to
navigation.
Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting
visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced
the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s
order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a
fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied
together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist
covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the
landmarks of the order!”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia
Masonic Limericks
Upon googling the internet with clicks,
I found Masonic limericks were nix.
Why is that so?
I really don’t know;
So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.
There once was a Freemason called Mitchell
Who had trouble remembering his ritual.
The Master said, “Son,
The learning’s not done
Until it becomes habitual.”
A visiting Brother from Texas
Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us.
He gave us a fright
As he stepped-off with his right;
He just happened to be ambidextrous.
There was a Freemason from Clydes
Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides,
The apron caught fire
And burned his entire
Front page, sports section and classifieds.
The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange,
A light bulb they had to exchange;
It no longer would glow,
But the Master said, “No,
In Freemasonry nothing can change.”
A one-legged Mason from Myrtle
Once had a race with a turtle;
But the turtle won fair
Because the man on the square
Went round the fourth part of a circle.
There was a young Mason from York
Who felt like a bit of a dork,
In his black penguin suit
And white apron to boot,
‘Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.
Three ruffians thought it was simple
To steal the builder’s secrets, until
He prevaricated - said “Nay,
I’ll not betray.”
So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell,
Who read words from the VSL.
Sometimes he’d mutter,
Sometimes he’d stutter,
And sometimes he’d even yell.
Two came for the first Tracing Board,
One by free will and accord;
But the other old bloke,
This is no joke,
Came by Model T Ford.
There was a young man named Jason
Who wanted to become a Freemason;
But when a Brother of note
Said, “You’ll ride the goat”,
Jason from the Mason did hasten.
The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,
“In times of difficulty and strife,
Tell us, you must,
In whom do you trust?”
The Candidate replied, “In the wife.”
There once was a PM from Mayne
Who did nothing in Lodge but complain.
That wasn’t the way
It was done in his day.
He really was a terrible pain.
Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster,
Once caused an embarassing disaster.
When asked for the Word
He said, “Don’t be absurd,
You should know that I’m the Grand Master!”
The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin
Served the Festive Board, with a grin.
But the size of each plate
Was so overweight,
The Junior Warden said, “Halve it, and begin.”
name: Fraser Card
lodge: King Hiram # 78
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada
It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get
home, so you can tell me all about it then."
Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot
on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked.
Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their
days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this
Lodge thing is going to divide us ? "
Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for
the newly invested.....
After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta
understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls
then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and
sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? "
The bride swears to it all.....
Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during
the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your
clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there
in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on....
"So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most
beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she
was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... "
With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! "
Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows
Lodge eh ! "
Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...
Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just
north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor
plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they
met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June.
In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no
such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and
there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would
howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as
they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets
and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their
wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in
the building!
Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation
among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November
through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the
Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night."
Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was
always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the
Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had
(the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know?
Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?
Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then
Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years
you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous
night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets
looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very
triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many
of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright
from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow
circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she
laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face.
name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio
This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always
made himself the object of the story...
MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about
Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in
the winter months.
One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking
engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known
for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances
are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.
But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to
disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the
pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into
his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his
license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and
MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the
documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a
Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in
Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most
Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper
replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."
Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the
trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so
away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his
rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the
officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes,
I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he
was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he
thought. "Only a half hour away."
The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S.
thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go
again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the
inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a
Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified
himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you
writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a
warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a
warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"
The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In
Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is
Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from
his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey
name: Gary Woodbridge
lodge: Bolingbroke 2417
grandlodge: U.G.L.E
Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great
Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us
to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother
Pat passed away after a short illness.
Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill",
"Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat.
"Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.
"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our
workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point"
"Whats that" enquired Pat.
"Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree"
"Why is that so sad" asked Bill.
"Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon"
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay
At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the
Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by
the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at
the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”
name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia
Masonic Riddles
Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published
before. Enjoy.
Ballot
Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls?
A. Electile dysfunction.
Boaz
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married?
A. Ruthless.
Brewery
Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery?
A. High time.
Bright Freemasons
Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting?
A. Wake up.
Crocodile
Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons?
A. Because they would lodge in its throat.
Cross the Road
Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?
A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.
Drawbridge
Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge?
A. So moat it be.
Festive Board
Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive
Board.
A. Halve it and begin.
Finders Keepers
Q. Where do you find Freemasons?
A. It depends where you lost them.
Freemason or Not?
Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason?
A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.
Freeway
Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike?
A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.
Grand Lodge Above No.1
Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because they’re not dead.
Grand Lodge Above No.2
Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above?
A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.
Hiram and the Sheriff
Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common?
A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.
Hiram et al
Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common?
A. They’re all monumental masons.
King Solomon’s Temple
Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?
A. On the side of his head.
Lodges and Pubs
Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common?
A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.
Masonic Apron
Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons?
A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.
Masonic Beavers
Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do?
A. Build a grand lodge.
Masonic Colours No.1
Q. What’s black, white, blue and green?
A. A seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.2
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.
Masonic Colours No.3
Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow?
A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.
Masonic Dad
Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach?
A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!
Masonic Elephant
Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant?
A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.
Masonic Knock-Knock
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy date for Freemasonry.
Masonic Light Bulb No.1
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. No one knows. It’s a secret.
Masonic Light Bulb No.2
Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. CHANGE?
Masonic Policeman
Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge?
A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.
Masonic Terrorists
Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation?
A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.
Masonic Thermometer
Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer?
A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.
Non-Masonic Light Bulb
Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They are in eternal darkness.
Password
Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge?
A. Because they don’t sell tickets.
Past Masters and Politicians
Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians?
A. Politicians want to change things.
Rhinoceros
Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros?
A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.
Rough Stuff
Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets?
A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.
The AGSW and the Funeral
Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral?
A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1
Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger?
A. A tiger.
The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2
Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft?
A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.
The Grip
Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake?
A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.
The Illuminator
Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge?
A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.
The King is Dead
Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died?
A. That’s Saul folks.
The King’s Limo
Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive?
A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
The Staircase
Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs?
A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.
Tongue in Cheek
Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain?
A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.
To Order
Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order?
A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.
Tyler Tiler
Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler?
A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.
VSL
Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law?
A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.
Who am I?
Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, first of all figures,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.
Who am I?
(Clue: Roman numerals)
A. DAVID
Whodunit?
Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft?
A. You're always one of the usual suspects.
Women Freemasons
Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry?
A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!
name: Roy Fairhurst
lodge: Lodge of Faith 344
grandlodge: UGL England
A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were
coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool
and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior
Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or
tyler"
name: Robert Kelly
lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213
grandlodge: Missouri
The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the
replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out
the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three
conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the
current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in
construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the
new one was built.
name: John Upton
lodge: Deepdene No. 356
grandlodge: Victoria, Australia
The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was
VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand
Carpenter"!!!
name: Michael Bonner
lodge: Harmony #370
grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario
Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason?
He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.
name: Brian Mc Dowell
lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia
grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria
King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on
this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the
drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs.
The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast
aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.
Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery
mess,
"Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"
name: Wilhelm Hernandez
lodge: Transportation Lodge 103
grandlodge: Canada
There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell
about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as
promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have
been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.
name: Rohit J. Varma
lodge: St. John's Lodge 434
grandlodge: UGLE
Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?"
Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"
name: Sean Brimlow
lodge: Wynnstay 3876
grandlodge: England and Wales
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email
to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He
was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the
first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
name: Mark Cottington
lodge: Mid Sussex 7642
grandlodge: Sussex
WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an
empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM
square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me
again I can still hear him"
name: James Watkins
lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134
grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN
Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was
scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go
home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate
was sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very
small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed
knew the other fellow as a used car salesman.
After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait
his turn.
When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over
the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier
in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket
that he had planned to feed his dogs.
Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out.
Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home.
Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the
waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold
sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies
the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."
name: Mark Ashford
lodge: Veritas 9108
grandlodge: UGLE
A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the
Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on
Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so
important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!
name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson
lodge: Braden Lodge #168
grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M
What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters
name: James Watkins
lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee
A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K
of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he
replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly
confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the
Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being re-carpeted. Say, you didn't give
them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!
name: Jim Hilton
lodge: Loyal No. 5040
grandlodge: England
My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell
was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will
offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you
never know who you are sat next to.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was
absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him
the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked
the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.
name: John Upton
lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland
A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half
way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the
short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time.
When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free
wheel and a cord!"
The Structure of the Lodge
The Right Worshipful Master
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Express
Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water.
Gives policy to God
The Worshipful Senior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God
The Worshipful Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind.
Is almost as powerful as a goods train
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet.
Walks on water of a swimming pool.
Talks with God if special dispensation is given.
The Senior Deacon
Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God
The Junior Deacon
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by trains
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles,
Talks with the animals
The Inner Guard
Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest.
Talks to walls
The Steward
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles,
Mumbles to himself
The Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is God !