Revising Graduate-Level Writing
An Expanding Horizons workshop
with
Dr. Deanna Mason
Student Academic Success Services:
The Writing Centre
By the end of this workshop, you will be able to:
Recognize and differentiate between HOCs and
LOCs in order to revise more efficiently
Select and apply specific revising strategies in order to
respond to comments on your writing and manage
the amount of time you devote to revising
Workshop overview
Thinking about revision
Revising for ourselves
◦ Higher Order Concerns
◦ Lower Order Concerns
Revising in response to comments
Knowing when to stop
How do you feel about the
process of revision?
Strongly Somewhat Neutral Somewhat Strongly
negative negative positive positive
The fundamentals of revision
Literally, re-seeing
A necessary and completely normal part
of the writing process
Prewriting Writing Re-writing
Done, ideally, after time away from
writing
Re-thinking revising
“When you revise, imagine yourself as a
reader, instead of the writer, and ask
yourself, ‘Does this make sense to me?’ But
you are a very privileged reader, because if
you don’t like what you see or hear you can
change it.”
Joan Bolker, Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day (118)
What kind of reviser are you?
Do you
revise as you write?
wait until you’ve reached the end of a
draft?
Is there a best practice in revising?
YES!!!
Most writing experts agree that revision is a separate process from writing and should
occur after a draft is complete.
“Revising while you generate text is like drinking decaffeinated coffee in the early morning:
noble idea, wrong time.” Paul J. Silvia, How to Write a Lot (76)
REVISING FOR OURSELVES
Bring fresh eyes to your work.
2. Print out a hard copy – don’t just edit on screen.
1. Refresh your brain. Put the paper aside for some time.
3. Read your paper aloud— your mouth and ears will pick up different things.
Starting to revise
Your #1 strategy:
Separate
Higher Order Concerns (HOCs)
from
Lower Order Concerns (LOCs).
HOCs vs. LOCs
What is a HOC?
Strength & coherence
of the argument
Organization & length
of paragraphs
Appropriate level of
detail in discussion
Incorporation & use of
evidence
What is a LOC?
Length & variety of
sentences
Repetition
Grammatical concerns
(e.g., commas)
Wordiness & awkward
phrasing
Formatting & citations
Your #2 strategy:
Your next step . . .
Save time by
starting
with HOCs.
Purpose and audience
Put yourself in your reader’s place.
What does he or she
◦ know already?
◦ want to know?
◦ need to know?
Will your reader
◦ raise counterarguments?
◦ have biases?
◦ know something that you need to engage with?
Focus
Be sure that your argument/point is
explicitly stated near the start of your
draft.
◦ Especially if it’s complicated!
Organization and paragraphing
Readers appreciate signposts.
◦ Whether a topic sentence in a paragraph or a
sub-heading for a section
What is the point of this paragraph?
All living creatures manage some form of communication.
The dance patterns of bees in their hive help to point the way to distant flower fields or announce successful foraging. Male stickleback fish regularly swim upside-down to indicate outrage in a courtship contest. Male deer and lemurs mark territorial ownership by rubbing their own body secretions on boundary stones or trees. And frightened dogs often place their tails between their legs and run in panic. We, too, use gestures, expressions, postures, and movement to give our words point.
--Olivia Vlahos, Human Beginnings
Paragraph length
Not shorter than 5 lines
Not more than 3/4 of a double-spaced
page
Ideally between 1/3 and 3/4 of a double-
spaced page
Paragraph proportion What
(the point)
The main idea to be
discussed (best
introduced in a topic
sentence, the
introductory sentence
of your paragraph)
1-2 sentences
How (the proof) The evidence used to
substantiate the point or
back up the argument:
examples, paraphrases,
summaries, etc.
2-4 sentences
Why (the comment) Commentary outlining the
significance or implications
of the preceding material
Your explanation of how
and why these ideas fit
together: relationships,
contrasts, conclusions,
implications, etc.
2-4 sentences
Logical order of ideas
Some strategies
Turn your draft into a chart.
◦ Works best for short sections
Create a reverse outline.
◦ Condenses material to 1-2 pages
◦ Highlights problems quickly
Reduce each paragraph to a single sentence.
◦ Be brutally honest with yourself.
◦ Number the sentences.
And when the organization just
doesn’t work?
Develop an alternative organization.
◦ Try to think of alternative headings and subheadings to divide the chapter into.
◦ Place numbered sentences under those headings in a new order.
◦ Cut and paste the paragraphs into a new file, leaving spaces between them.
◦ Print the new version, and make notes about connections/transitions as you read.
◦ Decide which version works better—the original or the alternative plan.
Adapted from Patrick Dunleavy, Authoring a PhD (144-147)
Activity: writing by example
Spend the next 5-7 minutes skimming the writing sample you brought with you.
Why do you like it? What elements listed on the handout does it do well?
Jot your answers down in a list.
Choose 2-3 elements you think are the most important or effective, and record them on a Post-it note.
Your goal
The next time you revise your
own work, pay particular
attention to the 2-3 areas listed
on your Post-it note.
Your #3 strategy:
Once you’re satisfied with
the HOCs, move on to
the LOCs.
Common LOC #1:
long sentences
◦ Find long sentences by reading aloud.
◦ Look for sentences longer than 20 words.
◦ Look for sentences that extend over
several lines.
Sentence variety Long sentences boredom & confusion
◦ Look for a place to split them into 2 or 3.
◦ Highlight the main ideas in shorter sentences.
Short sentences choppiness, ideas sounding too simple
◦ Use subordination.
Words like although, because, if, since, while
Puts more emphasis on the idea in the main part of the sentence
For more detail, go to
owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/573/03/
Common LOC #2: wordiness
Look for unnecessary words and phrases.
Wordy: Three out of five women who raise families on their own without the help of spouses or partners struggle to achieve an acceptable level of subsistence, in effect living below what is designated in Canada as the official “poverty line.” (40 words)
Concise: Three out of five single mothers live in poverty. (9 words)
Common LOC #3: pretentious diction
Scintillate, scintillate, globule aurific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
Robert Barrass, Scientists Must Write (60)
Use plain language!
Proofreading: the last step
Are there typos, misspellings, or missing
words?
Are there mistakes from cutting and pasting?
Is the documentation consistent?
Are figures and tables formatted
consistently?
REVISING IN RESPONSE TO COMMENTS
How not to feel like this:
Start with what you feel most
comfortable doing.
◦ Even LOCs rather than HOCs
Delete comments as you deal with them.
Remember: you don’t have to make every
suggested change.
Dealing with common feedback*
Unclear argument / Vague point / Position unclear
What it means: Reader is having a hard time identifying the central point.
How to revise:
1) Ask questions.—Does the evidence support your point?
2) Reread your entire draft.—The point may be more clearly articulated in the middle or at the end.
3) Reframe your argument.—Your point could be the answer to a question you pose or the resolution of a problem you identify.
This and the following four slides are adapted from Diana Hacker and Nancy
Sommers, A Canadian Writer’s Reference (23-27).
Develop more. /
Give examples. / Explain. What it means: The draft may stop short of providing a fully
detailed discussion of your idea.
How to revise:
1) Discuss the section with another reader (supervisor,
Writing Centre consultant, friend, family member). Ask
him or her what additional background information,
examples, or evidence is needed. Ask if your point is clear.
2) Keep your larger purpose in mind—Use the
what/how/why paragraph structure to bring discussion
back to your main point.
Be specific. / Needs more proof /
Evidence? What it means: Additional detail or discussion is needed to
strengthen your point.
How to revise:
1) Ask questions—Have you provided the right kind and
amount of evidence to persuade readers?
2) Interpret your evidence.—Details and examples don’t
speak for themselves; show readers how evidence fits into
your argument.
Consider opposing viewpoints. / What about Scholar X? / Counterargument?
What it means: The draft should recognize and respond to possible objections to your argument.
How to revise:
1) Identify areas of contention in the literature.—Where do the main disagreements lie?
2) Respond explicitly to them in the draft.—Use phrases like “Some readers might point out that . . .” or “Critics of this view argue that . . . .”
3) (possibly) Reconsider your main point.—If these objections are strong, you may need to respond to them more centrally in the chapter.
Two points at once / Unfocused / Hard to follow
What it means: Readers are having difficulty following the argument because it’s tackling too much at once.
How to revise:
1) Scrutinize the paragraphs in this section.—Does each address just one idea? If not, separate them.
2) Revisit the topic sentence of each paragraph.—Does it articulate that paragraph’s single central point?
KNOWING WHEN TO
Gaining perspective
Satisfactory
product
Resources, other
obligations
Your writing ≠ you as a person
Aim for the latest word, not the last word.
Writing reflects your knowledge and ideas at a specific point in time–and that’s enough.
Set a specific goal for your revisions—a section or a certain number of comments at each sitting.
Set a limited amount of time in which to revise.
Remember that a draft will never be perfect, and that’s okay.
How the Writing Centre
supports
graduate student writing
Check out our
website:
sass.queensu.ca/
writingcentre/
graduate/
Call us for a free one-
to-one appointment:
613.533.6315
Make an appointment
in person: