AF
ULL·LE
NG
TH
PLA
Y
Ge
tS
ma
rtadapted
byC
HR
IST
OP
HE
RS
ER
GE
L
from
the
Series
orig
ina
llycreated
by
ME
LB
RO
OK
Sand
BU
CK
HE
NR
Y
andproduced
byT
ale
nt
Associates,
Ltd.
TH
ED
RA
MA
TIC
PU
BL
ISH
ING
CO
MPA
NY
A FULL-LENGTH PLAY
Get Smartadapted by CHRISTOPHER SERGEL
from the Series originally created by
MEL BROOKS and BUCK HENRY
and produced by Talent Associates, Ltd.
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY
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TH
ED
RA
MA
TIC
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BL
ISH
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MP
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Yo
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oodstock,Illinois"
©M
CM
LX
VII
byT
HE
DR
AM
AT
ICP
UB
LIS
HIN
GC
OM
PA
NY
©R
enewed
MC
MX
CV
Based
uponthe
series,"G
etS
mart,"
originallycreated
by
Mel
Brooks
andB
uck
Henry
Printed
inthe
United
States
of
Am
ericaA
llR
ightsR
eserved(G
ET
SM
AR
T)
ISB
N0-87129-260-2
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or by any means. electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, videotape, f'l1n\ or any infonnation storage and retrieval systeIR without pennission in\\lriting from the publisher. It may not be pelformed either by professionals oramateurs without payment of royalty. All rights, including but not limited to theprofessiona~motion picture, melio, television, videotape, foreign language, tabloi~
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For performance of any songs and recordings mentioned in this play whichare in copyright, the permission of the copyright owners must be obtained orother songs and recordings in the public domain substituted.
On all progrmns this notice sJwuld appear:
~·Produced by special arrangement 'withTHE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY of Woodstock, Illinois"
©MCMLXVII byTHE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY
© Renewed MCMXCV
Based upon the series, "Get Smart,'~ originally created byMel Brooks and Buck Henry
Printed in the United States of AmericaAll Rights Reserved
(GET SMART)
ISBN 0-87129-260-2
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
GE
TS
MA
RT
AC
omedy
inT
wo
Acts
Fo
rT
enM
enan
dS
even
teenW
om
en
CH
AR
AC
TE
RS
MA
XW
EL
LS
MA
RT....
secreta
gen
tjo
rC
ON
TR
OL
~~N
}..•
•..•
•...•
.........•
••..•
•..•
stud
ents
PR
OF
ES
SO
RD
AN
TE
ascien
tistP
RO
FE
SS
OR
ZA
LIN
KA
his
assista
nt
AG
EN
T4
4a
CO
NT
RO
La
gen
tC
HIE
Fhead
oj
CO
NT
RO
LM
ISS
FIN
CH
his
secretary
HO
DG
KIN
Sh
isa
ssistan
t
~~~N
}a
tbus
statio
n
GA
RT
H}
MA
RY
WO
NG
SH
IRL
EY
WO
NG
...••..•
•..•
••...
KA
OS
ag
ents
BE
TS
YW
ON
GM
R.
BIG
heado
jKA
OS
BIG
SIS
TE
R}
LIT
TL
ES
IST
ER
travelers
AG
EN
T99
Sm
art's
assista
nt
AG
EN
T13
an
oth
erC
ON
TR
OL
ag
ent
ffi.A}
fou
rb
lon
des
PR
INC
ES
SIN
GR
IDa
lsoa
blonde
3
GET SMART
A Comedy in Two Acts
For Ten Men and Seventeen Women
CHARACTERS
MAXWELL SMART secret agent for CONTROL
~~: } students
PROFESSOR DANTE a scientistPROFESSOR ZALINKA his assistantAGENT 44 a CONTROL agentCHIEF head of CONTROLMISS FINCH his secretaryHODGKINS his assistant
~~~N } • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • .at bus station
GARTH }MARY WONGSHIRLEY WONG KAOS agentsBETSY WONGMR. BIG head of KAOSBIG SISTER }LITTLE SISTER · .. · .. · · · travelersAGENT 99 Smart's assistantAGENT 13 another CONTROL agent
~lA} four blondes
PRINCESS INGRID also a blonde
3
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
PL
AC
E:
Washington,
D.
C.
TIM
E:
The
presen
t.
4
PLACE: Washingtan, D. C.
TIME: The present.
4
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
AC
TO
NE
AS
TH
EH
OU
SEL
IGH
TS
DIM
OU
T:
Light
com
esup
infro
ntofth
ecu
rtain.
Tw
ostu
den
ts,H
EL
EN
andM
YR
A,
com
eon
infro
nt
ofth
ecu
rtainR
,w
heelingin
asm
alltab
leon
which
isan
oddlittle
mech
anism
.[A
nyunidentifiable
bitofap
paratu
sw
illserv
e.]T
hetw
og
irlsare
bein
gex
tremely
careful.
Meanw
hile,a
VO
ICE
ish
eard,
either
thro
ug
ha
pu
blic
add
resssy
stem,
or
spokenby
anacto
rstan
din
go
ffstage.)
VO
ICE
(lowkey,
official-sounding,serio
us
yet
con
fidential).
Attention.
Your
attention,p
lease.T
his
isW
ashington,D
.C.
Som
ewhere
inth
iscity
isth
ecen
traloffice
ofan
org
anizatio
nknow
nsim
ply
as
CO
NT
RO
L.
Itsex
actlo
cation
istop
secret.Its
bu
siness
isco
un
ter-espio
nag
e.(T
hetw
og
irlsare
po
sition
ing
the
table.)
MY
RA
(toH
EL
EN
,hushed).
Ve
rycarefu
l.H
EL
EN
(hushed,in
reply
).I
am
very
.
(Meanw
hiletw
oo
ther
stud
ents,
JAN
Eand
FR
ED
,are
com
ing
on
infro
nt
ofth
ecu
rtainL
,w
here
they
pu
llon
astan
dw
ithcu
rtains
arou
nd
the
base.)
VO
ICE
(continuing).A
ndso
mew
here
on
the
camp
us
ofan
imp
ortan
tu
niv
ersityn
earW
ashington,a
scientist
isabout
totest
atiny
scalem
od
elof
anew
instru
men
tknow
nas
the
"Inth
ermo
"--anin
-5
ACT ONE
AS THE HOUSE LIGHTS DIM OUT: Light comesup in front of the curtain. Two students, HE LENand MYRA, come on in front of the curtain R,wheeling in a small table on which is an odd littlem.echanism. [Any unidentifiable bit of apparatuswill serve.} The two girls are being extremelycarefuL Meanwhile, a VOICE is heard, eitherthrough a public address system, or spoken byan actor standing offstage.)
VOICE (low key, official-sounding, serious yet confidential). Attention. Your attention, please.This is Washington, D. C. Somewhere in thiscity is the central office of an organization knownsimply as CONTROL. Its exact location is topsecret. Its business is counter-espionage. (Thetwo girls are positioning the table.)
MYRA (to HELEN, hushed). Very careful.HELEN (hushed, in reply). I am very.
(Meanwhile two other students, JANE and FRED,are coming on in front of the curtain L, wherethey pull on a stand with curtains around thebase. )
VOICE (continuing)~ And somewhere on the campusof an important university near Washington, ascientist is about to test a tiny scale model of anew instrument known as the ttInthermo ft - -an in-
5
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e6
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
strum
ent
sop
ow
erful
itm
ayalter
thep
resent
structu
reof
wo
rldp
ow
er.S
ucha
device,of
cou
rse,w
ouldbe
ap
rime
target
for
KA
OS--th
ein
ternatio
nal
org
anizatio
nof
evil.JA
NE
(hushed).F
red--w
hat
aboutthe
target?
FR
ED
(alsohushed).
Targ
et?JA
NE
.F
or
Pro
fessor
Dan
te'stest.
FR
ED
(goingb
ackoff
L).
Oh
--sure
--I'llget
it.V
OIC
E(w
ithoutp
ause).
Happily
for
thefree
world,
the
evil
forces
ofK
AO
Sare
cou
ntered
byC
ON
TR
OL
.(W
ithg
reaterin
tensity
andm
ore
con
fiden
tial.)R
ightat
this
mo
men
tthe
brig
ht
torch
oflib
ertyis
shield
edby
oneof
CO
NT
RO
L's
topem
plo
yees--a
man
who
lives
alife
ofd
ang
erand
intrig
ue--a
man
carefully
trained
inev
eryart
ofa
secre
tagent.
(MA
XW
EL
LSM
AR
Tis
com
ing
onR
,in
fron
tof
thecu
rtain,
du
ring
this.
He
isw
earing
ah
atand
trench
coat.H
ism
ov
emen
tsand
man
nerism
sclearly
pro
claimh
isp
rofessio
n.)
VO
ICE
.T
his
man
has
exp
ertp
rofessio
nal
knowledge
of
every
dead
lyw
eapon.H
e'sad
ept
atK
arateand
Jiujitsu
.H
esp
eaks
many
lang
uag
es.A
boveall,
he's
am
asterof
disg
uise--ab
leto
assum
ea
pro
tectiv
eco
loratio
nfo
rw
hatev
erte
rrain
heencoun
ters.
(As
this
issaid
SMA
RT
takes
offh
ish
atand
trench
coat,rev
ealing
him
selfd
ressedin
aw
ildlyo
ut-o
f-date
"Joe
College"
outfit.T
he
VO
ICE
con
tin
ues
without
pau
se.)In
oth
erw
ord
s,he
canm
eltinto
anybackground
--gounnoticed
asa
part
ofany
group.(B
othH
EL
EN
andM
YR
Ado
a"tak
e"on
Sm
art'sap
pearan
ce.)M
YR
A(incredulous).
You've
gotto
be
kidding.H
EL
EN
.W
hoare
yo
u?
SMA
RT
(speakingd
eliberately
).M
axwell
Sm
art--a
Page 6 Get Smart Act I
strument so powerful it may alter the presentstructure of world power. Such a device, ofcourse, would be a prime target for KAOS- -theinternational organization of evil.
JANE (hushed). Fred--what about the target?FRED (also hushed). Target?JANE. For Professor Dante's test.FRED (going back off L). Oh--sure--I'll get it.VOICE (without pause). Happily for the free world,
the evil forces of KAOS are countered byCONTROL. (With greater intensity and moreconfidential.) Right at this moment the brighttorch of liberty is shielded by one of CONTROL'stop employees--a man who lives a life of dangerand intrigue--a man carefully trained in every artof a secret agent.
(MAXWELL SMART is coming on R, in front of thecurtain, during this. He is wearing a hat andtrench coat. His movements and mannerismsclearly proclaim his profession. )
VOICE. This man has expert professional knowledgeof every deadly weapon. He's adept at Karate andJiujitsu. He speaks many languages. Above all,he's a master of disguise--able to assume a protective coloration for whatever terrain he encounters. (As this is said SMART takes off his hat andtrench coat, revealing himself dressed in a wildlyout-af-date "Joe College" outfit. The VOICE continues without pause.) In other words, he can meltinto any background--go unnoticed as a part of an~
group. (Both HELEN and MYRA do a "take" onSmart's appearance. )
MYRA (incredulous). You've got to be kidding.HELEN. Who are you?SMART (speaking deliberately). Maxwell Smart--a
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e7
fellow
stud
ent--h
ereto
assist
Pro
fesso
rD
ante
with
his
exp
erimen
t.(H
eto
ssesco
atand
hat
offR
.)E
xcu
sem
e.
(FR
ED
isco
min
gb
acko
nL
,carry
ing
an"o
bject"
--any
sort
of
con
tainer
which
canhold
som
eco
ncealed
flashb
ulb
s.)
FR
ED
.H
e'su
sing
atough
target
for
the
exp
erim
ent.
(Looking
inco
ntain
eras
he
sets
ito
nstan
d.)
Th
ey're
glo
bes
ofh
arden
edsteel.
JAN
E(callin
gR
).W
here's
Pro
fesso
rD
ante?
(MY
RA
gestu
resR
,w
here
PR
OF
ES
SO
RD
AN
TE
,a
preo
ccup
iedm
anw
earing
alab
smo
ck,
isco
min
go
nin
fron
to
fth
ecu
rtain.)
SM
AR
T.
Hi
there,
Pro
f.D
AN
TE
(with
distaste).
Pro
f?(T
oH
EL
EN
.)
Wh
ere'sP
rofe
ssor
Zalin
ka--sh
e'sto
assist.
HE
LE
N.
She
stop
ped
tom
ake
aphone
call.S
MA
RT
(susp
iciou
sly).
Ph
on
ecall?
DA
NT
E(p
atiently
).P
rofe
ssor
Zalin
ka
isab
solu
tely
ded
icatedto
the
success
ofth
eIn
therm
o.
SM
AR
T.
Isee.
DA
NT
E.
All
ofy
ou
--ov
erh
ere.(F
RE
Dan
dJA
NE
com
eR
,w
hile
HE
LE
Nan
dM
YR
Atak
ep
ositio
ns
abo
ve
and
toth
erig
ht
ofth
etab
leholding
the
"Inth
ermo
.")
FR
ED
(ashe
crosses).
Th
etarg
etsare
like
arm
or
plate.
DA
NT
E.
Ex
actly.
JAN
E.
Wo
n't
the
Inth
ermo
inju
reth
eb
uild
ing
?D
AN
TE
(shak
ing
his
head,happily).
No,
no
--just
the
target.
SM
AR
T.
Maybe
youb
etterex
plain
howit
wo
rks-
simp
ly.
Act I Get Smart Page 7
fellow student--here to assist Professor Dantewith his experiment. (He tosses coat and hatoff R.) Excuse me.
(FRED is coming back on L, carrying an "object"--any sort of container which can hold someconcealed flash bulbs. )
FRED. He's using a tough target for the experiment. (Looking in cOJ).tainer as he sets it onstand.) They're globes of hardened steel.
JANE (calling R). Where's Professor Dante?
(MYRA gestures R, where PROFESSOR DANTE, apreoccupied man wearing a lab smock, is comingon in front of the curtain. )
SMART. Hi there, Prof.DANTE (with distaste). Prof? (To HELEN. )
Where's Professor Zalinka--she's to assist.HELEN. She stopped to make a phone call..SMART (suspiciously). Phone call?DANTE (patiently). Professor Zalinka is absolute
ly dedicated to the success of the Inthermo.SMART. I see.DANTE. All of you--over here. (FRED and JANE
come R, while HELEN and MYRA take positionsabove and to the right of the table holding the"Inthermo. ")
FRED (as he crosses)~ The targets are like armorplate.
DANTE. Exactly.JANE. Won't the Inthermo injure the building?DANTE (shaking his head, happily). No, no--just
the target.SMART. Maybe you better explain how it works-
simply.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e8
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
DA
NT
E(in
dicatin
gm
echan
ism).
Th
istin
yscale
mo
del
isab
ou
tto
dem
on
stratehow
the
basic
prin
ciple
of
reactive
therm
alco
ncen
tricityh
old
stru
e.A
ctually
,th
ed
yn
amics
ofth
ecataly
ticp
hen
om
eno
nis
exp
ressedin
dire
ct
ratio
toits
initial
mo
lecular
con
clusio
n.
(PR
OF
ES
SO
RZ
AL
INK
A,
anattractiv
eb
ut
sev
ere
lo
ok
ing
wo
man
wearin
ga
labsm
ock
and
carryin
ga
clipb
oard
,co
mes
on
R.)
SM
AR
T.
Rig
ht.
(Pau
se.)
May
be
yo
ub
ette
rex
-p
lainit
even
mo
resim
ply
.D
AN
TE
.Y
outry
,P
rofe
ssor
Zalin
ka.
ZA
LIN
KA
(slow
lyso
SM
AR
Tcan
follow).
IfF
arm
er
.B
row
ntak
esfiv
em
olecu
lesto
the
mark
et--a
nd
Farm
er
Green
takes
thre
e----
SM
AR
T(in
terrup
ting
).O
kay
--let's
get
on
with
the
test.
DA
NT
E(in
spectin
gm
echan
ism).
Ih
ave
itp
ro
gram
med
for
the
littlecy
lind
erso
fh
arden
edsteel
on
that
table--w
em
ake
am
ino
rad
justm
ent--k
eepb
acko
ut
of
line,
allo
fy
ou
--R-e
-a-d
-y---
(DA
NT
Eap
paren
tlyactiv
atesso
meth
ing
on
the
bit
of
app
aratus,
and
as
he
do
esso
,th
eco
n
cealedflash
bu
lbs
inth
eco
ntain
ero
nth
estan
dare
tou
ched
off.T
here
isa
gen
eralg
asp.)
MY
RA
.W
ow!
HE
LE
No
Itw
ork
ed!
FR
ED
(awed
as
he
peers
at
stand
).T
hey
've
been
incin
erated!
JAN
E.
By
the
littlescale
mo
del.
DA
NT
E(sad
ly).
Th
isis
terrib
le.
MY
RA
.T
errib
le,
Pro
fesso
rD
ante?
DA
NT
E.
Iw
asalm
ost
ho
pin
git
would
no
tw
ork
.Z
AL
INK
A.
Bu
tw
hy
?D
AN
TE
.T
his
isju
sta
min
iature.
Th
ink
of
the
de-
Page 8 Get Smart Act I
DANTE (indicating mechanism). This tiny scalemodel is about to demonstrate how the basicprinciple of reactive thermal concentricity holdstrue. Actually, the dynamics of the catalyticphenomenon is expressed in direct ratio to itsinitial molecular conclusion.
(PROFESSOR ZALINKA, an attractive but severelooking woman wearing a lab smock and carryinga clipboard, comes on R .. )
SMART. Right. (Pause.) Maybe you better ex-plain it even more simply.
DANTE. You try, Professor Zalinka.ZALINKA(slowlyso SMART can follow). If Farmer.. Brown takes five molecules to the market--and
Farmer Green takes three----SMART (interrupting). Okay--Iet's get on with the
test.DANTE (inspecting mechanism). I have it pro
grammed for the little cylinders of hardened steelon that table--we make a minor adjustment--keepback out of line, all of you--R-e-a-d-y---(DANTE apparently activates something on thebit of apparatus, and as he does so, the concealed flashbulbs in the container on the s"tandare touched off. There is a general gasp. )
MYRA. Wow!HELENo It worked!FRED (awed as he peers at stand). They've been
incinerated!JANE. By the little scale model.DANTE (sadly). This is terrible.MYRA. Terrible, Professor Dante?DANTE. I was almost hoping it would not work.ZALINKA. But why?DANTE. This is just a miniature. Think of the de-
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e9
structiv
ep
ow
ero
fa
full-size
Inth
ermo
!T
hin
kof
such
aw
eaponin
the
wro
ng
han
ds!
(Th
eyall
stare
fron
twith
wide
-eyed
ho
rror
atth
isthought.)
VO
ICE
.Y
es,think
of
it!T
hin
ko
fsu
cha
weapon
inth
eh
and
so
fK
AO
S.(P
ause.)
No,
no
--it'su
n
thin
kab
le.(A
tth
isev
eryo
ne
relaxes.)
Th
ew
orld
do
esn
ot
hav
eto
con
temp
latea
po
tential
cata
stro
ph
eofsu
chm
agn
itud
eb
ecause
ofC
ON
TR
OL
-th
eo
rgan
ization
ofgood.
(Atelep
ho
ne
bell
be
gin
srin
gin
gan
dev
eryo
ne
beg
ins
turn
ing
tow
ardS
MA
RT
,w
how
inces
sligh
tlyat
the
sound,edging
nerv
ou
slyaw
ayfro
mth
eo
thers.
Th
eV
OIC
Eco
ntin
ues:)
Ev
erv
igilan
t,th
esk
illedse
cre
tag
ent
from
CO
NT
RO
Lis
on
gu
ard--u
nn
oticed
-u
nsu
specte
d----
(SM
AR
Tis
even
mo
reem
bar
rasse
dat
the
con
tinu
edrin
gin
g,
especially
since
the
stare
sof
the
oth
ersp
inp
oin
th
imm
ore
and
mo
reas
the
sou
rceo
fth
eseso
un
ds.)
DA
NT
E(w
itha
shru
gatth
isb
elln
on
sense;
hers
back
tob
usin
ess).L
et's
get
the
mo
del
back
toth
elab
safe.Z
AL
INK
A.
Yes--I'll
seeto
it.(T
hey
are
goingoff
R,
takin
gth
etab
lean
dm
od
elw
ithth
emw
hileS
MA
RT
con
tinu
esto
retre
at
L.
)H
EL
EN
(un
der
her
breath
assh
eis
going,in
dicat
ing
SM
AR
T).
Wh
atis
with
that
gu
y?
JAN
E(also
un
der
her
breath
).T
hat
ring
ing
sou
nd
slik
e--bu
tit
cou
ldn
'tb
e.Z
AL
INK
A(sh
arply
).C
areful,
you----
(Co
ntro
lling
herse
lf.)T
ake
iteasy
,stu
den
ts.(A
sth
eyallgo
off,S
MA
RT
leans
back
again
stth
estan
dat
Land
snatch
esoff
his
sho
e.H
eh
old
sit
like
ate
le
phone.T
he
ring
ing
stop
s.)
SM
AR
T(into
sho
e--a
sthough
into
atelep
ho
ne).
Agent
86,M
axwell
Sm
art,h
ere.C
RIE
F(o
ver
P.A
.o
rby
actor
play
ing
the
role
from
beh
ind
the
curtain
).8
6--re
po
rtto
head
qu
arters
Act I Get Smart Page 9
structive power of a full-size Inthermo! Thinkof such a weapon in the wrong hands! (They allstare front with wide -eyed horror at this thought.)
VOICE. Yes, think of it! Think of such a weaponinthe hands of KAOS. (Pause.) No, no--it's unthinkable. (At this everyone relaxes.) The worlddoes not have to contemplate a pqtential catastrophe of such magnitude because of CONTROL-the organization of good. (A telephone bell begins ringing and everyone' begins turning towardSMART, who winces slightly at the sound, edgingnervously away from the others. The VOICEcontinues:) Ever vigilant, the skilled secretagent from CONTROL is on guard--unnoticed-unsuspected---- (SMART is even more embarrassed at the continued ringing, especially sincethe stares of the others pinpoint him more andmore as the source of these sounds. )
DANTE (with a shrug at this bell nonsense; he's backto business). Let's get the model back to the labsafe.
ZALINKA. Yes--I'll see to it. (They are going offR, taking the table and model with them whileSMART continues to retreat L. )
HELEN (under her breath as she is going, indicating SMART). What is with that guy?
JANE (also under her breath). That ringing soundslike--but it couldn't be.
ZALINKA (sharply). Careful, you - - - - (Controllingherself.) Take it easy, students. (As they all gooff, SMART leans back against the stand at Land snatches off his shoe. He holds it like a telephone. The ringing stops. )
SMART (into shoe--as though into a telephone).Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, here.
CffiE F (over P .A. or by actor playing the role frombehind the curtain). 86--report to headquarters
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e10
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
imm
ediately
.SM
AR
T.
Wait
am
inute.W
hois
this?
CffiE
F.
Th
isis
the
Chief.
Who
elsew
ouldb
ecall
ingyou
ony
ou
rsh
oe?
SMA
RT
.W
ell--there's
nosu
chthing
as
bein
gtoo
careful.
Would
youm
ind
givingm
eto
day
'sp
ass
word.
CffiE
F,
Th
isis
anem
ergen
cy,
86.T
here
'sno
time
for----
SM
AR
T.
I'mafraid
yo
u'll
haveto
furth
eridentify
yo
urself.
CffiE
F(angry).
I'mtellin
gyou,
86,th
isis
theC
hief.N
ow
----SM
AR
T.
Ifyou
can't
givem
eth
ep
asswo
rd--th
enI'll
accept
the
cou
nter-sig
no
rto
day
'ssecret
coden
um
ber.
My
lifecan
dependon
it.C
ffiEF
(furiously).G
etin
here,
Max,
or
I'llp
er
son
allytear
youap
art.SM
AR
T.
Th
at'sgood
enoughfo
rm
e,C
hief.I'm
on
my
way.
(SM
AR
Tslip
son
his
shoe,sta
rtsto
leave,
then
stop
sas
herem
emb
erssom
ething.H
estep
sb
ackand
rap
son
topof
the
stand
which
heldth
etarg
ets.H
ecalls
ina
hushedvoice:)
44
?A
gent4
4?
(The
curtain
saro
un
dth
eb
aseof
the
stand
are
pu
lledasid
e,an
dth
eface
ofa
youngm
anem
erg
es--a
faceon
which
nerv
ou
sness
andindignation
fightfo
rco
ntro
l.)
44.Y
oukn
ew
Iw
ash
ere,86,
butyou
did
n't
stop
them
from
goingah
eadw
ithth
etest.
SMA
RT
(incred
ulo
us).
Stop
them
?44.
Suppose
Pro
fessor
Dan
tehad
aimed
the
In
therm
otoo
low
?S
MA
RT
.W
e'reall
expendable,44.
(Co
nsid
ersan
instan
t,th
enam
end
s.)T
hat
is--mo
stof
us
are
Page 10 Get Smart Act I
immediately.SMART. Wait a minute.. Who is this?CffiE F.. This is the Chief.. Who else would be call
ing you on your shoe?SMART. Well--there's no such thing as being too
careful. Would you mind giving me today's password.
CIITEFc This is an emergency, 86. There's notime for----
SMART. I'm afraid you'll have to further identifyyourself.
CffiEF (angry). I'm telling you, 86, this is theChief. Now----
SMART. If you can't give me the password--thenI'll accept the counter-sign or today's secretcode number. My life can depend on it.
CIDEF (furiously).. Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart ..
SMART. That's good enough for me, Chief. I'mon my way.. (SMART slips on his shoe, startsto leave, then stops as he remembers something.He steps back and raps on top of the stand whichheld the targets. He calls in a hushed voice:)44? Agent 44?
(The curtains around the base of the stand are pulledaside, and the face of a young man emerges--aface on which nervousness and indignation fightfor control. )
44. You knew I was here, 86, but you didn't stopthem from going ahead with the test.
SMART (incredulous). Stop them?44. Suppose Professor Dante had aimed the In
thermo too low?SMART. We're all expendable, 44. (Considers an
instant, then amends.) That is--most of us are
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e11
expendable.44
(desp
eratelyso
rryfo
rh
imself).
Actu
ally--I'm
nothaving
av
erygood
time
onth
isjob.
Im
ean--n
om
inglingw
ithg
lamo
rou
sco
-eds--n
oco
m
parin
gn
otes
with
that
Pro
fessor
Zalin
ka--n
osp
orts
atall--n
ocrazy
stud
ent
activ
ities----
SMA
RT
.T
ake
iteasy
,44.
44(startin
gto
cry).
Id
on
'teven
getto
wear
atren
chcoat.
SMA
RT
.L
isten,
what
Ihave
totell
yo
u----
44.A
spycan
onlytak
eso
much.
Sneaking
arou
nd
these
corrid
ors.
Sleeping
ona
zinctab
lein
thelab
orato
ryw
ithnothing
tok
eepm
ew
armbut
aB
unsenb
urn
er.H
idin
g--alw
ays
hid
ing
----86,
Iw
antto
com
ein
from
thecold.
SMA
RT
.G
eta
grip
ony
ou
rself.(H
oldsh
and
ker
chiefto
44
'sn
ose.)
Here--b
low
.44
(afterblow
ing).Y
ouw
on
'ttell
them
aboutth
isb
ackat
head
qu
arters?SM
AR
T.
Of
cou
rsenot.
Iknow
what
yo
u're
goingthrough.
44(com
ingo
ut
from
un
der
table
andstanding
up).T
hey
wouldn't
likeit.
SMA
RT
.S
om
etimes
ith
elps
tohave
agood
cry.
44.T
rytellin
gth
atto
theC
hief.H
eh
atesto
haveh
ism
encry
.SM
AR
T(w
itha
start).T
he
Chief!
Listen
,4
4-
I'mcalled
back
toh
eadq
uarters.
(Rushing
R.)
Yo
u'll
haveto
take
ov
erh
ere.44
(toh
imself,
grim
ly).
Another
nighton
thezin
ctab
lein
the
lab
----
(SMA
RT
has
goneoff
R,
re-enterin
gim
med
iately,
puttingon
his
trench
coat
andhat.
Th
ecu
rtainbegins
torise
.)
SMA
RT
(calling
across).
Gu
ardthe
Inth
ermo
with
Act I Get Smart Page 11
expendable.44 (desperately sorry for himself). Actually--I'm
not having a very good time on this job. I mean--no mingling with glamorous co-eds--no comparing notes with that Professor Zalinka--nosports at all--no crazy student activities----
SMART. Take it easy, 44.44 (starting to cry). I don't even get to wear a
trench coat.SMART. Listen, what I have to tell you----44. A spy can only take so much. Sneaking around
these corridors. Sleeping on a zinc table in thelaboratory with nothing to keep me warm but aBunsen burner. Hiding--always hiding---- 86, Iwant to come in from the cold.
SMART. Get a grip on yourself. (Holds handkerchief to 44's nose.) Here--blow.
44 (after blowing). You won't tell them about thisback at headquarter s ?
SMART. Of course not. I know what you're goingthrough.
44 (coming out from under table and standing up).They wouldn't like it.
SMART. Sometimes it helps to have a good cry.44. Try telling that to the Chief. He hates to have
his men cry.SMART (with a start). The Chief! Listen, 44-
I'm called back to headquarters. (Rushing R.)You'll have to take over here.
44 (to himself, grimly). Another night on the zinctable in the lab----
(SMART has gone off R, re-entering immediately,putting on his trench coat and hat. The curtainbegins to rise. )
SMART (calling across). Guard the Inthermo with
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e12
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
yo
ur
life.44
(calling
back).I
slipp
eda
no
tein
the
po
cket
of
yo
ur
coat.
It'sim
po
rtant.
SM
AR
T(tak
ing
pap
erfro
mth
ep
ock
etof
his
trench
coat).S
ecretin
form
ation
?44
(shak
ing
his
head
ash
ep
ulls
stand
offL
).R
eq
uisitio
nfo
ra
rub
ber
mattre
ss.(44
com
pletes
exit
L,
as
SM
AR
Tlo
ok
safter
him
with
distaste
for
44'slack
of
ded
ication
.T
hen
he
beg
ins
bu
tto
nin
gup
his
coat
and
arrang
ing
the
ang
leof
his
hat.)
SC
EN
E:
Th
ecu
rtainh
asrise
nnow
,rev
ealing
astag
eth
atis
c:iividedin
totw
op
layin
gare
as-
the
div
ision
ind
icatedby
alow
rail
or
wall
ex
tend
ing
from
up
stage
tod
ow
nstag
efo
rsev
eralfeet.
Th
eare
aU
LC
isth
ecen
tralo
fficeo
fC
ON
TR
OL
.T
here
isa
well-eq
uip
ped
desk
wh
ichco
ntain
s,am
on
go
ther
thin
gs,
anin
ter-com
and
two
teleph
on
es,one
ofw
hichis
red.
Th
ereare
alsoso
me
filecases,
severalch
airs,an
da
large
hangingm
apo
fth
ew
orld
with
mark
ers
stuck
inv
ariou
ssp
ots.
)
AT
RIS
EO
FC
UR
TA
IN:
Th
eC
HIE
Fis
sitting
be
hin
dth
ed
esk,
leafing
rapid
lyth
rou
gh
som
ep
a
pers.
He
isa
fatherly
typ
ein
his
mid
-fifties.H
eis
usu
allyw
arm,
frank
and
friend
ly,
smo
kes
ap
ipe
and
wears
acard
igan
sweater
un
der
his
jacket.
Intim
eso
fstre
ss,o
fco
urse,
he
canb
eg
riman
dd
eman
din
g.
An
attractive
secretary,
MIS
SF
INC
H,
isstan
din
gin
fron
to
fth
ed
esk.)
CH
IEF
.W
hat
doyou
mak
eo
fth
is,M
issF
inch
?M
ISSF
INC
H.
My
security
rating
do
esn't
gohigh
enough.I
hav
en't
seenth
ose
pap
ers.
Page 12 Get Smart Act I
your life.44 (calling back). I slipped a note in the pocket of
your coat. It's important.SMART (taking paper from the pocket of his trench
coat). Secret information?44 (shaking his head as he pulls stand off L). Req
uisition for a rubber mattress. (44 completesexit L, as SMART looks after him with distastefor 44' s lack of dedication. Then he begins buttoning up his coat and arranging the angle of hishat. )
SCENE: The curtain has risen now, revealing astage that is q.ivided into two playing areas-the division indicated by a low rail or wall extending from upstage to downstage for severalfeet. The area U Leis the central office ofCONTROL. There is a well-equipped desk whichcontains, among other things, an inter-com andtwo telephones, one of which is red. There arealso some file cases, several chairs, and a largehanging map of the world with markers stuck invarious spots. )
AT RISE OF CURTAIN: The CIllEF is sitting behind the desk, leafing rapidly through some papers. He is a fatherly type in his mid-fifties.He is usually warm, frank and friendly, smokesa pipe and wears a cardigan sweater under hisjacket. In times of stress, of course, he can begrim and demanding. An attractive secretary,MISS FINCH, is standing in front of the desk.)
CIDEF.. What do you make of this, Miss Finch?MISS FINCH. My security rating doesn't go high
enough. I haven't seen those papers.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e13
CIllE
F(w
ithslig
ht
sigh).I'v
eb
eenm
eanin
gto
seeto
that.
While
I'mtalk
ing
with
86,see
ifyou
canfind
outany
mo
reabout
the
plan
sof
ou
rV
.I.P.
from
Scandinavia.
MISS
FIN
CH
.Y
es,C
hief.(S
hesta
rtsD
RC
tow
ardS
MA
RT
,w
hoh
asju
stfin
ished
gettin
gh
imself
ino
rder.
)C
IllEF
(afterh
er).A
ndd
on
'tfo
rget
too
rder
the
newfilter
for
my
trop
icalfish
tanle
MISS
FIN
CH
(app
roach
ing
SM
AR
T).
Yo
u're
ex
pected
,86.
SM
AR
T.
Call
me
Max.
MISS
FIN
CH
(archly
).W
ouldn'tth
atbe
toofam
iliar?I
mean
--ano
rdin
aryse
cre
tary
andC
ON
TR
OL
'stop
agen
t?SM
AR
T(callin
gb
ackto
her
as
he
con
tinu
esinto
of
£ice,ag
reeing
).I
gu
essy
ou
'rerig
ht.
(MISS
FIN
CH
go
esout
DL
.)
CIllE
F.
About
time,
86.(C
on
siderin
ga
pap
ero
nh
isd
esk.)
Ithought
Ito
ldyou
tob
ecarefu
lw
ithP
rofesso
rD
ante--to
keep
ou
tof
his
way
while
yo
u're
gu
ardin
ghim
.S
MA
RT
.C
hief--it's
notm
yfault.
Th
em
anju
sth
atesto
be
watched.
He's
gota
thin
gabout
se
cre
tag
ents.
CID
EF
(holdingup
pap
er).W
eh
ave
ano
ther
com
p
laint
from
him
.S
MA
RT
.W
hatis
itth
istim
e?C
IDE
F.
He
says
that
yo
u'v
ese
th
isw
ork
back
sixm
onths.S
MA
RT
.M
e!S
eth
isw
ork
back
sixm
on
ths?
Th
at'srid
iculo
us.
(Pau
se.)T
hree
mo
nth
s.M
aybefo
ur
onth
eo
utsid
e.C
IllEF
.M
ax--D
ante
isinvolved
intrem
end
ou
slyim
po
rtant
wo
rk.
We
mu
stn't
let
aw
ythin
gu
pset
him
.S
MA
RT
.O
.K.
--let's
layo
ur
cards
onth
etable,
Act I Get Smart Page 13
CIllEF (with slight sigh). I've been meaning to seeto that. While r m talking with 86, see if youcan find out any more about the plans of ourV.J.P. from Scandinavia.
MISS FINCH. Yes, Chief. (She starts DR C towardSMART, who has just finished getting himself inorder. )
ClllEF (after her). And don't forget to order thenew filter for my tropical fish tank.
MISS FINCH (approaching SMART). You're expected, 86.
SMART. Call me Max.MISS FINCH (archly). Wouldn't that be too familiar?
I mean--an ordinary secretary and CONTROL'stop agent?
SMART (calling back to her as he continues into office, agreeing). I guess you're right. (MISSFINCH goes out D L. )
CIllEF. About time, 86. (Considering a paper onhis desk.) I thought I told you to be careful withProfessor Dante--to keep out of his way whileyou're guarding him.
SMART. Chief--it's not my fault. The man justhates to be watched. He's got a thing about secret agents.
CffiEF (holding up paper). We have another complaint from him.
SMART. What is it this time?CffiEF. He says that you've set his work back six
months.SMART. Me! Set his work back six months?
That's ridiculous. (Pause.) Three months.Maybe four on the outside.
CInEF. Max--Dante is involved in tremendouslyimportant work. We mustn't let antything upsethim.
SMART. O. K. --let's lay our cards on the table,
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e14
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
Chief.
Give
itto
me
straigh
t.D
oyou
wan
tto
pu
tan
oth
erm
anin
charg
eof
the
case?C
HIE
F.
Max
--that's
no
ta
bad
----S
MA
RT
.O
fco
urse
not.I
knowy
ou
've
gotco
nfi
den
cein
me.
CH
IEF
.A
ctually
--ano
ther
agen
ton
the
jobm
igh
tb
e----
SM
AR
T.
Sole
t'ssay
nom
ore
aboutit.
CH
IEF
(with
asigh).
Wh
o's
with
Dan
tenow
?S
MA
RT
.A
gent44.
(Pu
lling
ou
tp
aper.)
He
gavem
ea
requ
isition
for
a----
CH
IEF
(sho
rtly).
We'll
send
him
ab
ox
oftissu
e.I
wish
he
wo
uld
n't
cryso
much.
(Looking
offg
rimly
.)I
hate
havingm
ym
encry
!S
MA
RT
.A
slong
asI'm
inch
arge
ofth
ecase,
Chief,
youd
on
'thave
tow
orry
ab
ou
t----C
HIE
F.
Not
sofast,
Max.
Iw
antto
sort
this
out.T
here
'sa
pu
zzling
newcase
andm
ayb
ew
esh
ou
ld----(H
eis
interru
pted
bya
bell.
SMA
RT
leaps
back
andd
raws
his
revo
lver--read
yfo
ran
yth
ing
.)S
MA
RT
.W
hat's
that?
CH
IEF
(rising
casually
).A
remin
der.
(Taking
small
boxand
starting
L.)
It'stim
eto
feedm
ytro
pical
fish.
(As
heg
oes
off.)
I've
just
add
edso
me
neonte
tras.
SM
AR
T(callin
gafter
him).
How
canyou
take
time
for
trop
icalfish
when
som
any
imp
orta
nt---
CH
IEF
(calling
back
from
offL
).L
ookingafter
these
rare
fishis
my
onlyrelax
ation
.It
help
sm
eto
think.S
MA
RT
.W
hat's
the
pu
zzling
newcase
?C
HIE
F(off
L).
Akidnaping.
SM
AR
T.
Who
doyou
wan
tm
eto
kidnap,C
hief?
(CH
IEF
isco
min
gb
ackon
L.)
Page 14 Get Smart Act I
Chief. Give it to me straight. Do you want toput another man in charge of the case?
CHIEF. Max--that's not a bad----SMART. Of course not. I know you've got confi
dence in me.CHIEF. Actually--another agent on the job might
be----SMART. So let's say no more about it.CillEF (with a sigh). Who's with Dante now?SMART. Agent 44. (Pulling out paper.) He gave
me a requisition for a----CHIEF (shortly). We'll send him a box of tissue.
I wish he wouldn't cry so much. (Looking offgrimly.) I hate having my men cry!
SMART. As long as I'm in charge of the case,Chief, you don't have to worry about ... - .......
CHIE F. Not so fast, Max. I want to sort this out.There's a puzzling new case and maybe weshould----(He is interrupted by a bell. SMARTleaps back and draws his revolver--ready foranything.-)
SMART. What's that?CHIEF (rising casually). A reminder. (Taking
small box and starting L.) It's time to feed mytropical fish. (As he goes off.) I've just addedsome neon tetras.
SMART (calling after him). How can you take timefor tropical fish when so many important---
CHIEF (calling back from off L). Looking afterthese rare fish is my only relaxation. It helpsme to think.
SMART. What's the puzzling new case?CIllEF (off L). A kidnaping.SMART. Who do you want me to kidnap, Chief?
(CIDEF is coming back on L. )
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e15
CH
IEF
.N
o,M
ax.If
anything,I
want
youto
pre
v
ent
akidnaping.
(Looks
back
L,
pleased
.)M
yfish
certainly
like
this
new
food.S
MA
RT
.L
et'sstick
tob
usin
ess,C
hief.Y
oun
eedy
ou
rb
estm
ang
uard
ing
Pro
fessor
Dante.
Once
KA
OS
find
so
ut
abo
ut
the
Inth
erm
o----
CH
IEF
.Y
es,b
ut
rese
arc
htak
esfo
rever.
44can
han
dle
aro
utin
esecu
rityjob.
Meanw
hileth
ere
'san
imm
ediate
pro
blem
.SM
AR
T.
What,
Ch
ief?C
HIE
F.
Th
eseb
lon
des!
SM
AR
T(startled
).B
lon
des!
CH
IEF
.In
the
last
fou
rd
ays,
three
blo
nd
eshave
been
abductedin
Washington
from
this
area.(P
oin
tsto
spo
ton
map
.)W
hatdo
youm
ake
ofth
at?S
MA
RT
.It's
either
aco
nsp
iracyo
ra
guyw
itha
very
weird
hobby.C
HIE
F(show
ingS
MA
RT
som
ep
ho
tog
raph
sin
which
he
isin
stantly
eng
rossed
).T
hese
are
theg
irls.A
llof
them
were
registered
atth
eH
otelC
ramley
.86,
are
youlisten
ing
?S
MA
RT
.Y
es,C
hief.C
HIE
F.
At
firstw
ethought
itw
asju
sta
po
licem
atter,
bu
tth
enw
eb
egan
tofind
lots
ofclu
esp
oin
ting
toK
AO
S--alm
ost
as
thoughth
eyw
erech
allen
gin
gu
s.S
MA
RT
(continuingto
stud
yp
ho
tog
raph
s).H
mm
m.
CH
IEF
.I
cou
ldn
'tsee
anyp
oin
tto
it,b
ut
my
secre
tary
,M
issF
inch
,h
app
ened
tom
entio
nso
meth
ing
that
has
me
wo
rried.
Shem
entio
ned
that
Prin
cess
Ing
ridof
Scan
din
avia
isarriv
ing
inW
ashingtonto
day.
An
d--sh
e's
ablonde,
too.A
nyq
uestio
ns
sofa
r?S
MA
RT
(reachin
gfo
rth
ep
ho
tog
raph
s).C
ouldI
seen
um
ber
three
again
?C
IDE
F(irritab
lyp
uttin
gp
ictures
away).
Th
eP
rincess
Act I Get Smart Page 15
CIDEF.. No, Max. If anything, I want you to prevent a kidnaping. (Looks back L, pleased.) Myfish certainly like this new food.
SMART. Let's stick to business, Chief. You needyour best man guarding Professor Dante. OnceKAOS finds Qut about the Inthermo----
CIITEF. Yes, but research takes forever. 44 canhandle a routine security job. Meanwhile there'san immediate problem.
SMART. What, Chief?CffiEF. These blondes!SMART (startled). Blondes!CffiEF. In the last four days, three blondes have
been abducted in Washington from this area.(Points to spot on map.) What do you make ofthat?
SMART. It's either a conspiracy or a guy with avery weird hobby.
CHIEF (showing SMART some photographs in whichhe is instantly engrossed).. These are the girls.All of them were registered at the Hotel Cramley.86, are you listening?
SMART.. Yes, Chief.CHIEF. At first we thought it was just a police mat
ter, but then we began to find lots of clues pointing to KAOS- -almost as though they were challenging us.
SMART (continuing to study photographs). Hmmm.CHIEF. I couldn't see any point to it, but my secre
tary, Miss Finch, happened to mention somethingthat has me worried. She mentioned that PrincessIngrid of Scandinavia is arriving in Washington today. And- -she's a blonde, too. Any questions sofar?
SMART (reaching for the photographs). Could I seenumber three again?
CffiEF (irritably putting pictures away). The Princess
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Pag
e16
Get
Sm
artA
ctI
istrav
eling
incognitob
ecause
she
wan
tsto
avo
idn
ewsp
aperm
enand
security
agen
ts.B
utw
e've
go
tto
pro
tecth
er.S
MA
RT
.I
do
n't
seew
hyK
AO
Sw
ouldsu
dd
enly
start
kid
nap
ing
blo
nd
es--even
Prin
cess
Ing
rid.
CH
IEF
.I
did
n't
either,
bu
t----S
MA
RT
.A
ndit's
alo
tm
ore
imp
ortan
tw
hat
hap
p
ens
to----
CH
IEF
(goingrig
ht
on).B
utM
issF
inch
calledm
yatten
tion
toth
eN
AT
Om
eeting
that's
aboutto
take
place
inS
candinavia.If
any
thin
gw
ereto
hap
pen
toP
rincess
Ing
rid,
itco
uld
seriou
slyco
mp
rom
iseo
ur
go
vern
men
t'sp
ositio
n.
SM
AR
T.
Th
eth
reeb
lon
des
bein
gk
idn
aped
--and
Prin
cess
Ing
rid's
bein
ga
blo
nd
e--and
the
NA
TO
meetin
g--th
atco
uld
allb
ea
coin
ciden
ce,C
hief.C
HIE
F.
Ik
no
w--an
dth
ere
'sso
meth
ing
fishy
abo
ut
itso
mew
here.
Bu
tw
ecan
'tju
stig
no
re----
(MIS
SF
INC
His
com
ing
back
inD
L.)
SM
AR
T(cu
tting
in).W
ecan
'tig
no
rew
hat
Pro
fes
sor
Dan
teis
----C
HIE
F(sh
ortly
).I'm
well
aware,
86,an
dI'v
eno
inten
tion
of
takin
gan
ych
ances
with
---M
ISS
FIN
CH
.M
ayI
com
ein,
Ch
ief?C
HIE
F.
Ifit's
imp
ortan
t.M
ISS
FIN
CH
.I
wo
uld
n't
know,
Chief,
bu
tI
foundo
ut
wh
ereP
rincess
Ing
ridw
illb
estay
ing
--the
Ho
telC
ramley
.C
HIE
F.
Id
on
'tsee
wh
atd
iffere
nce----
(Does
a"ta
ke."
Sh
arply
.)T
he
Ho
telC
ramley
!M
ISS
FIN
CH
.S
hetook
asu
ite.C
HIE
F.
Bu
tth
at's--th
eo
ther
kid
nap
ing
s--this
set
tles
it.I'v
em
ade
my
decisio
n,
86.Y
ou
'reto
dro
pev
eryth
ing
elsean
dg
uard
Prin
cess
Ing
rid.
SM
AR
T(p
rotestin
g).
Ch
ief--44
can't
pro
tectth
eIn
therm
oall
by
him
self.A
ndo
nce
KA
OS
dis-
Page 16 Get Smart Act I
is traveling incognito because she wants to avoidnewspapermen and security agents. But we'vegot to protect her.
SMART. I don't see why KAOS would suddenly startkidnaping blondes--even Princess Ingrid.
CHIEF. I didn't either, but----SMART. And it's a lot more important what hap
pens to----CHIEF (going right on). But Miss Finch called my
attention to the NATO meeting that's about totake place in Scandinavia. If anything were tohappen to Princess Ingrid, it could seriouslycompromise our government's position.
SMART. The three blondes being kidnaped - -andPrincess Ingrid's being a blonde--and the NATOmeeting--that could all be a coincidence, Chief.
CIDEF. I know--and there's something fishy aboutit somewhere. But we can't just ignore----
(MISS FINCH is coming back in D L. )
SMART (cutting in). We can't ignore what Professor Dante is----
CIDEF (shortly). I'm well aware, 86, and I've nointention of taking any chances with---
MISS FINCH. May I come in, Chief?CIITEF. If it's important.MISS FINCH. I wouldn't know, Chief, but I found
out where Princess Ingrid will be staying--theHotel Cramley.
CHIEF. I don't see what difference---- (Does a"take." Sharply.) The Hotel Cramley!
MISS FINCH. She took a suite.CffiEF. But that's--the other kidnapings--this set
tles it. I've made my decision, 86. You're todrop everything else and guard Princess Ingrid.
SMART (protesting). Chief--44 can't protect theInthermo all by himself. And once KAOS dis-
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois
Act
IG
etS
mart
Pag
e17
cov
ersth
atit's
nolo
ng
erin
the
exp
erimen
talsta
ge----
CffiE
F.
Wait
am
inute,M
ax.Y
ousaid
--no
lon
ger
inth
eex
perim
ental
stage.
SM
AR
T.
Th
at'srig
ht.
Th
eP
rofe
ssor
incin
eratedso
me
glo
bes
of
hard
ened
steelth
isaftern
oo
n.
CffiE
F(in
credu
lou
s).B
utit's
no
wh
eren
earco
m
pletio
n!
SM
AR
T.
You
mean
theju
ll-sizeIn
therm
o.
What
he
used
todayw
asa
min
iature
scalem
od
el.C
ffiEF
(hushed).A
ndth
em
iniatu
rein
cinerated
steel?S
MA
RT
(nodding).If
KA
OS
gotth
eirh
and
son
ano
peratio
nal
scalem
odel,it
wo
uld
n't
take
them
longto
----C
ffiEF
.Y
oud
on
'thave
tospe.ll
itout,
Max.
(Wo
rrie
d.)
Th
etro
ub
leis,
we're
sod
esperately
un
derstaffed
.M
ISSF
INC
H.
Chief,
ifyou
do
n't
min
dm
ym
entio
n
ing
--there
were
som
esp
ecialreaso
ns
for
pu
tting
86onto
the
newcase.
CffiE
F.
But
this
isno
time
tored
uce
the
gu
ardon
the
Inth
ermo
.(W
ishfu
lly.)
Maybe
it'sju
sta
co
incid
ence
abo
ut
tho
seb
lon
des.
(Th
etelep
ho
ne
beg
ins
ring
ing
.)
MIS
SF
INC
H.
My
gu
essis
that
KA
OS
isup
toso
me
thin
garo
un
dth
eH
otelC
ramley
.C
ffiEF
(pickingup
white
teleph
on
e,into
wh
ichhe
speak
s).Y
es?W
hat?(L
istens,
then
cov
ersm
ou
thp
iecean
dsp
eaks
too
thers.)
Afo
urth
blondeh
asju
stb
eenkidnaped.
MISS
FIN
CH
(hushed).A
skw
here
ithappened.
CffiE
F(into
teleph
on
e).W
here
did
--Isee.
Hodgkins,
ifw
e've
anynew
equ
ipm
ent
for
86,le
t'sh
ave
it.(H
angsup
andtu
rns
toM
ISSF
INC
H.)
You
mad
ea
goodg
uess--th
efo
urth
blondew
askidnaped
acro
ssth
estre
et
from
the
Hotel
Cram
ley.
SM
AR
T.
Co
uld
n't
befo
ur
coin
ciden
ces.
Act I Get Smart Page 17
covers that it's no longer in the experimentalstage----
CillEF. Wait a minute, Max. You said--no longerin the experimental stage.
SMART. That's right. The Professor incineratedsome globes of hardened steel this afternoon.
CHIEF (incredulous). But it's nowhere near completion!
SMART. You mean the full-size Inthermo. Whathe used today was a miniature scale modeL
CInE F (hushed). And the miniature incineratedsteel?
SMART (nodding). If KAOS got their hands on anoperational scale model, it wouldn't take themlong to----
CIITEF. You don't have to spell it out, Max. (Worried.) The trouble is, we're so desperatelyunder staffed.
MISS FINCH. Chief, if you don't mind my mentioning--there were some special reasons for putting86 onto the new case.
CHIEF. But this is no time to reduce the guard onthe Inthermo. (Wishfully.) Maybe it's just a coincidence about those blondes. (The telephonebegins ringing. )
MISS FINCH. My guess is that KAOS is up to something around the Hotel Cramley.
CffiEF (picking up white telephone, into which hespeaks). Yes? What? (Listens, then coversmouthpiece and speaks to others.) A fourthblonde has just been kidnaped.
MISS FINCH (hushed). Ask where it happened.CffiEF (into telephone) .. Where did--I see. Hodgkins,
if we've any new equipment for 86, let's have it.(Hangs up and turns to MISS FINCH.) You madea good guess--the fourth blonde was kidnapedacross the street from the Hotel Cramley.
SMART. Couldn't bejour coincidences.
© The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois