How do relationships form? How do relationships form? What are the barriers to them What are the barriers to them

developing and how do you developing and how do you cope with the emotions that cope with the emotions that

accompany them?accompany them?

The Importance of The Importance of Interpersonal Interpersonal RelationshipsRelationships We’re all drawn to

develop and maintain friendships and intimate relationshipsWe need other people not just for survival but also to meet a variety of needsBenefits include: affiliation and friendship, giving and receiving comfort and affection, obtaining emotional support, receiving advice and assistance with problems, influencing others, and developing a positive self-image

Relationships take time to develop

Factors that Promote the Development of Relationships, 1 Liking, Respect, and Trust

Liking is a positive attitude toward anotherLiking is a positive attitude toward anotherTwo characteristics to likingTwo characteristics to liking

1. You must respect that person2. You believe that person is trustworthy

Sometimes this is based more on wishful thinking than realityPeople need to earn your trust and respect

Deciding if someone is deserving of your trustHow predictable is that individual?Can you depend on that person?Do you have faith in that person?

Trust helps to form and maintain bonds with another and provide a sense of security in the relationshipTrust takes time and is very fragile

Factors that Promote the Development of Relationships, 2Similar attitudes

The amount of attraction and liking is related the number The amount of attraction and liking is related the number of attitudes people have in commonof attitudes people have in common

What really counts is the amount of perceived rather than measured similarity, but it’s not very accurate of a measure

People tend to overestimate the degree of similaritiesOne reason similarity is important is the greater the likelihood of agreement and this is rewarding

There is an attraction to those who have the mirror image of your qualitiesThese similarities are more important in the early relationship

Later, differences in beliefs are important in maintaining interactionsSuccessful couples often complement each other’s qualities – provided the beliefs, values, interests, and personal

characteristics aren’t too extreme

Factors that Promote the Development of Relationships, 3 Familiarity

Just being around people increases the chances of liking Just being around people increases the chances of liking them and becoming friendsthem and becoming friends

Physical proximityPeople who live, work, and interact in close proximity are People who live, work, and interact in close proximity are more likely to become friendsmore likely to become friends

Physical attractivenessAttractive individuals are perceived as more sociable, Attractive individuals are perceived as more sociable, dominant, sexually warm, mentally healthy, and intelligentdominant, sexually warm, mentally healthy, and intelligent

They’re also rated as more desirable for dates, sex, and marriageYour personal perception of your attractiveness affects your self-imageMeeting the expectations of others is not important; it’s how you feel

When people seek someone to date and marry, they typically find someone who is similar to themselves in physical appearance

It is difficult to find and get a relationship with an ideal

Factors that Promote the Development of Relationships, 4 Obtaining rewards

We tend to look for others who will reward usWe tend to look for others who will reward us

These rewards includeThese rewards includeInformation, affection, status, money, skills, and attention

These rewards promote a willingness to continue the relationship

The level of rewards is a good predictor of whether the relationship will stay together

Obtaining rewards is part of the pictureInteractions cost time, energy, commitment, money, and may lead

to unpleasant outcomes or emotions

Satisfaction occurs when rewards exceed costs

Past experiences establish the “minimum payoff” against which you compare your current interactions

Barriers to Forming Relationships

Personal characteristics that interferePeople who have a difficult time forming close relationships People who have a difficult time forming close relationships share certain characteristicsshare certain characteristics

They are somewhat depressedThey are somewhat depressed

They lack a good sense of humorThey lack a good sense of humor

They have very few interests and outside hobbiesThey have very few interests and outside hobbies

They take very little interest in what others do and failed They take very little interest in what others do and failed to give people to give people credit for their achievementscredit for their achievements

ShynessShyness

Is seen on a continuumIs seen on a continuum

It grows out of a negative self-conceptIt grows out of a negative self-concept

It encourages self-consciousness, self-criticism, few It encourages self-consciousness, self-criticism, few positive self-positive self- thoughts, and to stay away from othersthoughts, and to stay away from others

Barriers to Forming Relationships, 2

More on shynessOccasional periods of shyness may have some benefitsOccasional periods of shyness may have some benefits

It may promote periods of private reflection, or help think through It may promote periods of private reflection, or help think through problems and develop solutionsproblems and develop solutions

Acquiring shynessAcquiring shynessCan come from overreactions in the past where you “looked silly”Can come from overreactions in the past where you “looked silly”People may have laughed at youPeople may have laughed at youMay have felt “on the spot with everyone judging you”May have felt “on the spot with everyone judging you”May be the risk of rejectionMay be the risk of rejectionMay be culturalMay be cultural

A self-fulfilling prophecy then gets set upA self-fulfilling prophecy then gets set up1. A social situation occurs and anxiety develops1. A social situation occurs and anxiety develops2. The label “shy” initiates a script2. The label “shy” initiates a script3. Following the script informs others how to treat you3. Following the script informs others how to treat you4. People’s withdrawal or lack of interest is interpreted as 4. People’s withdrawal or lack of interest is interpreted as

confirming confirming the self-imagethe self-image5. In other social situations, the process repeats itself5. In other social situations, the process repeats itself

Coping with shynessCoping with shyness

You must want to do You must want to do something about itsomething about itWhat you can do about shyness

Follow a role model

Use your imagination

Try a new behavior in which you think you’ll be successful

Focus on some of your positive qualities

Show more interest in othersSOFTEN (Smile, Open posture, Forward lean, Touch, Eye contact, Nod)

Stereotypes and Stereotypes and Prejudices,1Prejudices,1

Stereotypes – Stereotypes – preconceived rigid preconceived rigid beliefs about other individualsbeliefs about other individualsThey’re mental short-cuts to categorize people, places, and events

Prejudiced attitude – Prejudiced attitude – an attitude that an attitude that has rigid beliefs and strong feelings has rigid beliefs and strong feelings about another personabout another personIt’s a combination of a stereotype with strong feelings about a person, object, or event

Discrimination – Discrimination – differential differential treatment of individuals because they treatment of individuals because they belong to a particular social groupbelong to a particular social groupIt’s a natural outcome of negative stereotypes and prejudices

Stereotypes and Stereotypes and Prejudices, 2Prejudices, 2

One of psychology’s core concepts is that of One of psychology’s core concepts is that of individual differencesindividual differencesPrejudiced people ignore the fact that individual differences exist among members of any groupPositive prejudices also exist: “a great statesman,” “a fine musician,” etc.

Negative stereotypes and prejudices lead to Negative stereotypes and prejudices lead to unfair perceptions of othersunfair perceptions of othersMembers of specific groups are singled out and evaluated as a group instead of individually

Negative stereotypes and prejudices lead to Negative stereotypes and prejudices lead to unfair treatment of othersunfair treatment of othersThis is the basis of discriminationSince such beliefs are thought to be valid, they are used to justify the actions taken against the groupThe self-serving bias in negative stereotypes and prejudices is that it makes discrimination easier

Coping with Your Coping with Your Stereotypes and Stereotypes and

PrejudicesPrejudicesLook for unique qualities in othersLook for unique qualities in othersTake the time to think about the personal qualities others havePersonal contacts can teach you about how much you have in common with others

Try to cooperate and work together Try to cooperate and work together with people you sometimes stereotypewith people you sometimes stereotypeTake on the initiative to work with a member of a group whom you stereotype or have had little contactNegative attitudes can change with a positive emotional climate through working together

Lack of Self-Lack of Self-DisclosureDisclosure

Self-disclosure – revealing intimate details Self-disclosure – revealing intimate details about yourselfabout yourselfRelationships depend on developing trust and respect for others, the belief that you are honest and open with others, and the discussion of shared interests

The relationship between self-disclosure and feeling close to another is reciprocal

Self-disclosure fosters intimacy and trust, and intimacy and trust encourage more self- disclosure

Disadvantages to self-disclosureTalking too much about yourself early in the relationship may not facilitate the

development of the relationship

High self-disclosure is considered a sign of immaturity, insecurity, being phoney, or that you tell everyone the same things

When someone knows everything there is to know about you, there’s no room for surprises

Increasing Self-Disclosure

How much you reveal about yourself is a How much you reveal about yourself is a personal choicepersonal choiceThe advantage to self-disclosure lies The advantage to self-disclosure lies somewhere between not talking about somewhere between not talking about yourself and doing it too muchyourself and doing it too much

There is some risk involved: Fears the other person may not reciprocate, what is said is unacceptable, the other person may take advantage of you, or the other is not willing to share friendship and love

You need to consider your needs for You need to consider your needs for privacy and discretion, the disadvantages privacy and discretion, the disadvantages of too much self-disclosure, and the of too much self-disclosure, and the advantages of forming relationshipsadvantages of forming relationships

LoveLove Love is an attachment and caring Love is an attachment and caring

between two or more peoplebetween two or more peoplePeople love others when theyPeople love others when they

Will do almost anything for themWill do almost anything for themSeek them out when they feel lonelySeek them out when they feel lonelyFeel possessive toward themFeel possessive toward themBecome concerned for their welfareBecome concerned for their welfareBelieve it would be difficult to get along without themBelieve it would be difficult to get along without them

We can like or have a positive attitude toward others We can like or have a positive attitude toward others without loving them, but we do not love others without loving them, but we do not love others unless we like themunless we like them

Adult intimate relationships tend to have other things in common with Adult intimate relationships tend to have other things in common with earlier earlier developmental stages: secure, avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent developmental stages: secure, avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent attachment attachment styles found in childhood tend to appear in adult intimate styles found in childhood tend to appear in adult intimate relationshipsrelationships

The The Ingredients Ingredients

of Loveof LoveIntimacyWarmth, closeness, and sharing in a relationshipWarmth, closeness, and sharing in a relationship

CommitmentAn intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the An intent to maintain a relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that may arisedifficulties and costs that may arise

PassionIntense sexual and erotic desire for another personIntense sexual and erotic desire for another person

Different varieties of love Different varieties of love develop from the combinations develop from the combinations of the three ingredientsof the three ingredients

The Types The Types of Love,1of Love,1Empty, liking, Empty, liking,

and infatuationand infatuationEmpty love is when the people feel committed, but not very warm and close, and passion is largely absentLiking another is fundamental for a relationship to beginInfatuation represents an intense desire for another, and is an erotic attachmentMutual respect and trust and a sense of commitment to the relationship are largely absent in infatuation

Passionate/ Passionate/ romantic loveromantic loveThis is romantic love with an intense absorption with anotherPassionate love typically leads to unrealistic expectations and there’s no way the partner can live up to those expectationsRomantic love leads you to ignore how dissimilar you are from your partnerCaught up in romantic love, you can ignore developing problems in a relationshipRomantic/passionate love eventually cools over time

The Types The Types of Love, 2of Love, 2Companionate Companionate loveloveThe less intense but steady concern, warm attachment and caring for another person

A relationship in this stage has the partners more realistic about what to expect from each other

Measures of the level of commitment and intimacy are one of the best predictors of whether a relationship will continue

Consummate Consummate loveloveAll three ingredients are present, which leads the couple to have a close interpersonal relationship

Maintaining consummate love for extended periods of time is not easy, because simultaneously keeping passion, commitment, and intimacy at appropriate levels is difficult

Few couples have a relationship in these terms

Envy and Envy and JealousyJealousy Envy – Envy – a desire to acquire something another person a desire to acquire something another person

possessespossessesWhen experiencing envy, individuals are generally unhappy When experiencing envy, individuals are generally unhappy and feel inferiorand feel inferior

A little envy can be motivationalA little envy can be motivational

Jealousy – Jealousy – a fear of losing something to which you have a fear of losing something to which you have become attachedbecome attachedWhen jealous the emotions of sadness, fear, anxiety, and, When jealous the emotions of sadness, fear, anxiety, and, especially, anger dominateespecially, anger dominate

Jealousy is more likely to occur in relationships where people Jealousy is more likely to occur in relationships where people adhere to rigid adhere to rigid definitions of their sex rolesdefinitions of their sex roles

Jealousy is used to gain power and control over anotherJealousy is used to gain power and control over anotherExpressing jealousy can be catharticExpressing jealousy can be catharticJealousy may legitimize retaliationJealousy may legitimize retaliationOne of the hardest feelings in a relationship to deal with is the One of the hardest feelings in a relationship to deal with is the

fear of losing fear of losing someonesomeoneSexual jealousy is difficult to cope with because of the Sexual jealousy is difficult to cope with because of the

relationship to self-worthrelationship to self-worth

Coping with Envy and Coping with Envy and JealousyJealousy

Reframe your thinkingReframe your thinkingOur thinking tends to be “apples = oranges”Our thinking tends to be “apples = oranges”

““Just because he talks to other girls doesn’t mean he’s Just because he talks to other girls doesn’t mean he’s going out with them”going out with them”

Gain control over your imaginationGain control over your imaginationWe tend to run “worst-case scenarios” in our mind and this We tend to run “worst-case scenarios” in our mind and this makes us come up with all kinds of unrealistic fantasiesmakes us come up with all kinds of unrealistic fantasies

Take steps to build your self-confidenceTake steps to build your self-confidenceEnvy and jealousy flourish when our self-confidence is lowEnvy and jealousy flourish when our self-confidence is low

You’re the only person who can do something about thatYou’re the only person who can do something about that

Pick activities and learn to do them well, become Pick activities and learn to do them well, become knowledgeable about the world around you and share that knowledgeable about the world around you and share that knowledge with your partner and othersknowledge with your partner and others

LonelinessLonelinessLoneliness – an emotional reaction to periods of

isolation from othersIt is a warning sign that your ability to connect with and remain attached to other people is in troubleWe all have two important social needs: the need to feel attached to someone in an intimate relationship and a need for communityFeeling lonely is both a contributor to feeling sad and depressed as well as a personal problem in itself

Low self-esteem, feeling unloved and uncared for, unable to Low self-esteem, feeling unloved and uncared for, unable to disclose disclose private thoughts to others, feeling alienated, feelings of private thoughts to others, feeling alienated, feelings of inadequacyinadequacyWhen there’s a mismatch between your social contacts and what you might desire you feel lonely

What we might desire is based on a rather distorted view of the What we might desire is based on a rather distorted view of the worldworld

Loneliness varies with the time of day, week, and time of yearLoneliness varies with the time of day, week, and time of year

Coping with Coping with LonelinessLoneliness

Taking preventive actionTaking preventive actionWhen you’re feeling lonely, look at what’s happening in your relationship

Look at the trouble spots and identify the problems

Reestablishing contact, and becoming Reestablishing contact, and becoming activeactiveCall a friend, join a club, visit someone, find new friends

Forget yourself and help othersForget yourself and help othersDo things for others, volunteer, tutor students

Identify the cause of lonelinessIdentify the cause of lonelinessMake a distinction between events that trigger loneliness and those that maintain it

Loneliness is maintained by low self-esteem, fear of rejection or intimacy, self-blame being overly dependent on others

Look at your thinking and behavior patterns as well as maintaining the feelings

Separating from Separating from RelationshipsRelationships

Reasons for breaking up1. Boredom and changing interests

Cooling of romantic/passionate love and differences in interests, intelligence, religion, and education2. Sexual attitudes and differences in expectations

Problems about the type and frequency of sexual activities as well as differences in ideas about the relationship3. Role conflicts

Whether each partner should play traditional gender roles

4. Poor communication patternsCommunication channels closed and criticism of the

partner developed5. Problematic attachment styles

Secure, avoidant, and anxious/ambivalent attachment styles

Coping with Coping with SeparationSeparation

Find a support groupFind a support groupThe chance to talk to those with similar problems is The chance to talk to those with similar problems is helpfulhelpfulJoin social clubsJoin social clubs

Follow a role modelFollow a role modelTalk to someone you like and respect who has Talk to someone you like and respect who has adjusted to a relationship breakup and find what ideas adjusted to a relationship breakup and find what ideas you can incorporateyou can incorporate

Stop putting yourself downStop putting yourself downBeing overly critical of yourself will get you nowhereBeing overly critical of yourself will get you nowhereOne way to handle self-downing is to think of One way to handle self-downing is to think of alternative thoughts that counter the self-downingalternative thoughts that counter the self-downingGet a more balanced perspective on the situation Get a more balanced perspective on the situation