Managing Your Relationships with Managing Your Relationships with OthersOthers

A lot of hard work and A lot of hard work and skill goes into having a skill goes into having a successful relationship. successful relationship. How can you deal with the How can you deal with the issues that come up?issues that come up?

Dealing with ConflictDealing with Conflict Conflict – the tension, frustration, and anger that Conflict – the tension, frustration, and anger that

occur when the actions, beliefs, motives, or goals occur when the actions, beliefs, motives, or goals of two or more people are incompatibleof two or more people are incompatibleThe incompatibility can be real, and/or result from a The incompatibility can be real, and/or result from a misperception of one or more partiesmisperception of one or more partiesConflict serves a purposeConflict serves a purposeDisagreements are a natural part of any relationshipDisagreements are a natural part of any relationship

Learning how to manage disagreements is an important part of being togetherConflict can show the sensitive parts of a relationshipNeed to examine the underlying components of a conflictMost disputes involve more than a single event

The Functions of ConflictThe Functions of ConflictIt acts as an early warning deviceConflicts alert us to problems in a relationshipConflicts alert us to problems in a relationshipIt serves as a pressure release valveWhen tensions build up, anger becomes dysfunctionalWhen tensions build up, anger becomes dysfunctionalSome release of tensions are neededSome release of tensions are neededIt mobilizes energy to deal with issuesIt can bring tensions to a level so the parties can deal It can bring tensions to a level so the parties can deal with it and acceptably find a solutionwith it and acceptably find a solutionIt forces people to examine and renegotiate existing physical and psychological boundariesNew ways of relating can become establishedNew ways of relating can become established

The Arenas of Conflict, The Arenas of Conflict, 11

Three arenas of conflictThree arenas of conflictIntrapersonal, interpersonal, and intergroupThe interpersonal arenaThe interpersonal arenaEncompasses the personal tension, and frustration within one or both partiesIt can be experienced in one or more of the following ways

Feeling depressed, anxious, angry, frustrated, guilty, or ashamedEngaging in self-criticismFocusing on partner’s negative qualities but not on one’s ownTrying to stop thinking about a situation that is bothersomeTrying to think about other things to take the mind off the present conflictDenying the problem is that badDoing nothing and hoping the problem will go awayTrying to block out or dull the bad feelings with drugs, alcohol, or food

The Arenas of Conflict, The Arenas of Conflict, 22

Inner tensions may be bottled up and eventually leakInner tensions may be bottled up and eventually leakOnce they emerge, someone gets blamed and guilt emerges

With the escalation of the conflict, others can be dragged into itThe severity of the conflict is related to

The number of arenas the conflict spansThe number of issues, people, and groups involved within each arena

Attempts to resolve a conflict must answer two questionsIs the time and energy I am using to deal with the tension focused on the proper arena?Does a resolution apply to each of the arenas?Conflicts played out in several arenas are only resolved if the tension in each of the arenas are resolved

Factors that Cause Conflict to Occur

Differences in valuesDifferences in values Expectations are violatedExpectations are violated Struggles for powerStruggles for power Disagreements over goals and how Disagreements over goals and how

to reach themto reach them The roles each play begin to clashThe roles each play begin to clash Boundary and territory violationsBoundary and territory violations

Factors Causing Factors Causing Conflict, 1Conflict, 1

Differences in valuesDifferences in valuesValue collision is when different values produce Value collision is when different values produce tension, frustration, or angertension, frustration, or angerSimilar values draw people together; differing values Similar values draw people together; differing values produce conflictproduce conflict

Expectations are violatedExpectations are violatedEach party has expectations of how the other is to Each party has expectations of how the other is to behavebehaveExpectations aren’t usually explicitly shared and Expectations aren’t usually explicitly shared and what becomes violated are unstated assumptions what becomes violated are unstated assumptions about how people should actabout how people should act

Factors Causing Factors Causing Conflict, 2Conflict, 2

Struggles for power, control, and Struggles for power, control, and authorityauthorityDisagreements over who is the more high-status Disagreements over who is the more high-status person in the relationshipperson in the relationshipDisagreements over Goals and how to Disagreements over Goals and how to achieve themachieve themThree ways this happensThree ways this happensEveryone doesn’t always agree on what goals to pursueEveryone doesn’t always agree on what goals to pursueThey may disagree on the methods to achieve various They may disagree on the methods to achieve various goalsgoalsDisagreements occur about how to allocate resourcesDisagreements occur about how to allocate resources

Factors Causing Factors Causing Conflict, 3Conflict, 3

The roles begin to clashThe roles begin to clashRole conflicts occur when difficult choices about Role conflicts occur when difficult choices about how to behave in particular must be madehow to behave in particular must be madeOccurs in three waysOccurs in three waysYou have more than one role relationship a person or You have more than one role relationship a person or groupgroupPeople disagree on how a role other than their own People disagree on how a role other than their own should be should be playedplayedOther people decide to play their roles in ways that are Other people decide to play their roles in ways that are incompatible with yoursincompatible with yoursIt may be a problem with definition of rolesBoundary and territory violationsBoundary and territory violationsPsychological space and intimate zonesPsychological space and intimate zones

Factors Supporting and Factors Supporting and Maintaining ConflictMaintaining Conflict

Conflict resolution styles are preferences for dealing with Conflict resolution styles are preferences for dealing with others in a conflictothers in a conflict

AvoidanceAvoidanceTypically avoids the issue hoping it will go away, but the situation gets worse.Typically avoids the issue hoping it will go away, but the situation gets worse.Best used as a temporary measure to buy time, to think about things and figure out Best used as a temporary measure to buy time, to think about things and figure out what to do nextwhat to do next

AccommodationAccommodation““Ok, I’ll do it your way”Ok, I’ll do it your way”It fails to address the underlying concernsIt fails to address the underlying concernsBest used to repay a favor when the issue or relationship isn’t worth spending time onBest used to repay a favor when the issue or relationship isn’t worth spending time on

CompetitionCompetitionOne party tried to dictate solutions or overpower the otherOne party tried to dictate solutions or overpower the otherCauses considerable tension and frustrationCauses considerable tension and frustrationBest used only after other options have been exhaustedBest used only after other options have been exhausted

The Presence of “Hot The Presence of “Hot Cognitions”Cognitions”

Thoughts and beliefs that help maintain and Thoughts and beliefs that help maintain and support disputessupport disputes

Thinking the worst about another personThinking the worst about another person Personalizing what someone saidPersonalizing what someone said Blaming the other person for the disputeBlaming the other person for the dispute Thinking about retaliation rather than seeking a solutionThinking about retaliation rather than seeking a solutionPersonal collusion in allowing the conflict to Personal collusion in allowing the conflict to

continuecontinueTwo things contribute to this problem:Two things contribute to this problem:A tendency for someone to view him/herself as neutral in A tendency for someone to view him/herself as neutral in the disputethe disputeOne or both parties persist in using ineffective thoughts One or both parties persist in using ineffective thoughts and behaviorsand behaviors

Conflict Resolution Conflict Resolution StrategiesStrategies

PreventionPrevention Take early Take early

actionaction Using powerUsing power ConciliationConciliation Identify each Identify each

others’ rightsothers’ rights

CompromiseCompromise Seek mutual gainsSeek mutual gains Develop Develop

superordinate superordinate goalsgoals

Use a third partyUse a third party Determine the Determine the

best resolutionbest resolution

PreventionPreventionIdentify conditions that lead to problems and take Identify conditions that lead to problems and take care of them before they erupt into a major issuescare of them before they erupt into a major issuesAlways consult before decidingAlways consult before decidingFix the problem and don’t blameFix the problem and don’t blameDon’t become defensive: “What’s right about what is being said that Don’t become defensive: “What’s right about what is being said that may be critical of me?”may be critical of me?”Don’t react; take your timeDon’t react; take your timeProcess the things you do with othersProcess the things you do with othersDon’t get mad; don’t get even; Work to get what you wantDon’t get mad; don’t get even; Work to get what you want

Take Early ActionTake Early ActionDisputes can’t Disputes can’t always be always be preventedpreventedThe earlier they are The earlier they are detected and treated, the detected and treated, the easier they are to manageeasier they are to manageConflicts are sometimes Conflicts are sometimes recognized, but often they’rerecognized, but often they’re allowed to simmer allowed to simmerWhen they boil over it’s When they boil over it’s because over time, the because over time, the issues may move from issues may move from specific situations where specific situations where something was said or something was said or done done to a matter of to a matter of principle principle or valueor value

Using PowerThe win-lose mentality where the

strongest prevails and dictates his/her solution to others

the popularity of this approach is due in part to a the popularity of this approach is due in part to a lack of information and skill for how to resolve lack of information and skill for how to resolve issues in other waysissues in other waysAlso, it is due to cultural preferences for competitive Also, it is due to cultural preferences for competitive modes of resolving differencesmodes of resolving differencesLosers are seldom charitable taking the position of “Wait ‘till next time”Losers are seldom charitable taking the position of “Wait ‘till next time”They resent what happened to them and may engage in passive aggressive They resent what happened to them and may engage in passive aggressive behaviors in order to irritate the “winner”behaviors in order to irritate the “winner”

ConciliationConciliationSteps to alleviating problemsSteps to alleviating problemsTake the initiative and announce your intention to reduce Take the initiative and announce your intention to reduce tensionstensionsThe words are backed up by small conciliatory actsThe words are backed up by small conciliatory actsIf a positive gesture occurs, initiate further positive If a positive gesture occurs, initiate further positive gestures; with a negative gesture, return a negative gestures; with a negative gesture, return a negative gesturegestureAny negative gesture must not be an overreaction: “I’ve just Any negative gesture must not be an overreaction: “I’ve just scratched your scratched your back, now it’s your turn to scratch mine”back, now it’s your turn to scratch mine”A continuing escalation of tension and hostility only A continuing escalation of tension and hostility only impedes the resolution of differencesimpedes the resolution of differencesIt also assumes that unconditional cooperation is naïve and is likely It also assumes that unconditional cooperation is naïve and is likely to to cause exploitation of the other partycause exploitation of the other party

Identify the Rights of Identify the Rights of Each PartyEach Party

In everyday relationships, previously In everyday relationships, previously agreed upon expectations can be agreed upon expectations can be

used as criteria to help settle disputesused as criteria to help settle disputesIn order for expectations to help resolve disputes, In order for expectations to help resolve disputes, they must be explicitly shared and developedthey must be explicitly shared and developedThree conditions must be met:Three conditions must be met:1. Each party must recognize the expectations, policies, 1. Each party must recognize the expectations, policies, procedures, precedents, and rules as applicable to the procedures, precedents, and rules as applicable to the disputedispute2. Someone must insist that such criteria be used2. Someone must insist that such criteria be used3. The criteria should be applied impartially and fairly3. The criteria should be applied impartially and fairly

CompromCompromiseise

For compromise to be effective, each party must For compromise to be effective, each party must work together until an acceptable “middle ground” work together until an acceptable “middle ground”

is metis metA compromise provides a resolution that is not as good as A compromise provides a resolution that is not as good as someone hoped for, but not as bad as they could have someone hoped for, but not as bad as they could have gottengottenCompromise is not “losing face” or “giving in”Compromise is not “losing face” or “giving in”People may compromise for the wrong reasons:People may compromise for the wrong reasons:When you fail to seek a more creative solution, When you fail to seek a more creative solution, you can get hung you can get hung up on “fairness”up on “fairness”You’re tired of working on an issueYou’re tired of working on an issueTime for a solution is running outTime for a solution is running outYour aspirations are lowYour aspirations are lowYou fear the dispute will worsenYou fear the dispute will worsen

Seek Mutual Seek Mutual GainsGains

The “win-win” approachThe “win-win” approachDifferences between the mutual gains model and Differences between the mutual gains model and other approachesother approaches

1. Instead of “win-lose” or “splitting the difference,” the primary goal is to find a solution that integrates each person’s interests

2. People work to keep statements about who is “right” or “wrong,” what is “fair” or “unfair,” who “deserves more or less,” or other positions out of the discussion

3. Issues are decided on their merits rather than through a haggling process that focuses on what each side says it will or will not do in response to concessions4. Attempts are made to base solutions on fair standards independent

of the will of the other side

Integrating Your Integrating Your Interests with Interests with

Another’s InterestsAnother’s InterestsFour ways to “split the pie”

1. Look for ways both parties can come out ahead1. Look for ways both parties can come out aheadThis isn’t a compromise, but a positive gain for both partiesThis isn’t a compromise, but a positive gain for both parties2. Instead of trying to “divide up” existing resources, 2. Instead of trying to “divide up” existing resources, find a creative solution that can expand on the find a creative solution that can expand on the resourcesresourcesWhen both parties get more than they originally wanted, they When both parties get more than they originally wanted, they both both come out aheadcome out ahead3. Trade off one interest in order to get another one met3. Trade off one interest in order to get another one metOne party may have to give up on an interest in order to have One party may have to give up on an interest in order to have anotheranother4. Find a bridge between your interests and those of the 4. Find a bridge between your interests and those of the other personother personFind something that links two sets of interestsFind something that links two sets of interests

Develop superordinate Develop superordinate goalsgoals

Goals that are in commonGoals that are in commonWorking toward a common goal can establish a spirit of collaboration and understandingThis good will can be transferred to working on other problemsSuperordinate goals tend to work best when by pursuing them people are able to define a new, inclusive group that dissolves their former subgroups.Pursuing common goals is no panacea for all problems that may occur in relationshipsTrying to pull the relationship together by “having a child,” or “buying a house

Use a Third Use a Third PartyParty

If you can’t resolve the problem on If you can’t resolve the problem on your own, seek outside assistanceyour own, seek outside assistance

This may be a mutual friend, a counselor This may be a mutual friend, a counselor or or therapist, or a professional mediatortherapist, or a professional mediator

They can help set the ground rules for discussions They can help set the ground rules for discussions and and monitor them so everyone gets heard and the needs monitor them so everyone gets heard and the needs of of both parties are discussedboth parties are discussed

Bringing in a third party is not a sign of Bringing in a third party is not a sign of weakness, rather, it is a sign of strengthweakness, rather, it is a sign of strength

The desire to deal with the problem effectively and The desire to deal with the problem effectively and both both parties are interested in continuing the relationshipparties are interested in continuing the relationship

Determining the Best Determining the Best Resolution StrategyResolution Strategy

Four questions1. 1. What are the transaction costs of a given resolution What are the transaction costs of a given resolution strategy?strategy?2. 2. Can I live with the terms of a settlement that is Can I live with the terms of a settlement that is dictated by the other side?dictated by the other side?3. 3. Is it likely that the approach I selected will lead each Is it likely that the approach I selected will lead each party to be satisfied with the outcome?party to be satisfied with the outcome?4. 4. What effect will this approach have on my What effect will this approach have on my relationship with the other party?relationship with the other party?Will the procedures used allow the dispute to stay resolved or to recur?

Dealing with Dealing with Interpersonal Interpersonal

InfluenceInfluenceThe attempts by one The attempts by one party to define or party to define or change the way others change the way others should think, feel, and should think, feel, and behavebehaveThe goal is to get others to The goal is to get others to think and behave in ways think and behave in ways that one party finds that one party finds desirabledesirableWe have to fact two tasks We have to fact two tasks in lifein lifeHow to get others to do what we wantHow to avoid being unnecessarily influenced by others

Social PressureSocial PressureComplianceCompliance

Conforming in order to receive certain rewards or avoid sanctions

IdentificationIdentificationBehaving in ways you find in others personally attractive or appealing because they want you to do so

InternalizationInternalizationThe thoughts and behaviors others encourage you to adopt become completely integrated into your psychological makeup

Authority and Authority and Social PowerSocial Power

Someone who is in Someone who is in authority exerts authority exerts influence over othersinfluence over othersFactors contributing to Factors contributing to social powersocial powerMust be perceived as credibleWe’re all socialized to obey authoritiesAuthorities command attention because of their ability to use several sources of social power

Sources of powerSources of powerLegitimate PowerLegitimate PowerPower derived from the formal position in a groupCoercive PowerCoercive PowerPower through the ability to impose sanctions, punish, and threatsReferent powerReferent powerBased on the ability to support and nurture othersReward powerReward powerBased on the capacity to give rewards

Strategies used to Strategies used to Obtain Agreement Obtain Agreement and Commitmentand Commitment

A public agreement or commitment is obtainedA public agreement or commitment is obtainedAgreements voluntarily made in a public arena are strongly supportedAgreements voluntarily made in a public arena are strongly supported

Agreement is obtained on unrelated issuesAgreement is obtained on unrelated issuesGetting an agreement in one area establishes something in commonGetting an agreement in one area establishes something in common

Commitment to a small request is obtainedCommitment to a small request is obtainedWith a small request, a large agreement is more likelyWith a small request, a large agreement is more likely

Agreement with an analogy is obtainedAgreement with an analogy is obtainedAgreement is more likely with another issue given with similar logicAgreement is more likely with another issue given with similar logic

Agreement is acquired through reactanceAgreement is acquired through reactanceReverse psychologyReverse psychology

Get More of Your Get More of Your Needs Met in Needs Met in RelationshipsRelationships

Become More assertiveBecome More assertive Deliver unexpected messages when necessary Make requests appropriately Repeat your requests more than once Exercise your right to say “No” Use nonverbal messages to help you become

more assertive Exercise your interpersonal rights Giving, asking for, and receiving feedback Prepare yourself to behave more assertively

Deliver Unexpected Deliver Unexpected Messages When NecessaryMessages When Necessary As long as you let them, other people will use

overt and covert power over you Three ways to deliver unexpected messages

1. Give an honest and direct response to another personLet others know what you think of their request

2. Say something that forces people to consider their actionsThe goal is to remove a predictable response and have people reconsider what they’re saying or doing

3. “Fog” the other person’s statementsTo “fog” the message means to agree in whole or part with what was said

Afterward, three things can occur: The other person’s message doesn’t have the desired effect, and they stop; someone may ask why you think the way you do, or you can ask to talk about how both of you see things

Make Requests Make Requests AppropriatelyAppropriately

Steps to making requests1. Describe the situation1. Describe the situationLet the other person know what behaviors led you to Let the other person know what behaviors led you to making making the requestthe request2. Express your feelings about the situation2. Express your feelings about the situationLet the other person know what feelings have been arousedLet the other person know what feelings have been aroused3. Specify what you want3. Specify what you wantAsk for specific actions you want implemented or stoppedAsk for specific actions you want implemented or stopped4. Describe the consequences associated with your 4. Describe the consequences associated with your requestrequestIf possible, let the other person know the positive If possible, let the other person know the positive consequences of your requestconsequences of your request

If you need, Make your request more than If you need, Make your request more than onceonce

Exercise Your RightExercise Your Rightto Say “No”to Say “No”

Most of us fear being disliked Most of us fear being disliked or rejected if we say “No”or rejected if we say “No”Four ways to say “No” effectivelyFour ways to say “No” effectively1. Simply say “no” or “I don’t want to do it”1. Simply say “no” or “I don’t want to do it”2. Repeat your message until the other party accepts it2. Repeat your message until the other party accepts it3. Give a reason only if you feel the other party obviously needs or 3. Give a reason only if you feel the other party obviously needs or could benefit from such informationcould benefit from such information4. Do not give a reason if you think the information is unlikely to help 4. Do not give a reason if you think the information is unlikely to help the other party or will simply allow him/her to present a number of the other party or will simply allow him/her to present a number of counter argumentscounter arguments

Use Nonverbal Messages to Use Nonverbal Messages to Help You Become More Help You Become More

AssertiveAssertive Nonverbal behaviors that support your assertive Nonverbal behaviors that support your assertive

statementsstatements Eye contactEye contact Use a direct gaze but don’t stare the other person down Facial expressionsFacial expressions

Make sure your facial expressions match your message Gestures and posturesGestures and postures

Your gestures should suit your words Body orientationBody orientation

Face the other person when you’re talking DistanceDistance

Pay attention to how far you stand away from the other person(s)

Voice elementsVoice elementsYour tone should not be overly loud or soft, but of a moderate volume and speed

Exercise Your Interpersonal RightsBehaving assertively is one Behaving assertively is one of the rights you have in of the rights you have in your relationships with your relationships with othersothersInterpersonal rights, if used, will aid you Interpersonal rights, if used, will aid you in resisting the undue influence of in resisting the undue influence of othersothersOne principle to keep in mind about One principle to keep in mind about using interpersonal rights is that other using interpersonal rights is that other people have the same rights as youpeople have the same rights as youThe interpersonal rights are more The interpersonal rights are more effective when you respect and effective when you respect and recognize the other person’s privilege to recognize the other person’s privilege to use them as welluse them as well

Giving, Asking for, and Giving, Asking for, and Receiving feedbackReceiving feedback

Giving feedback is one way to share Giving feedback is one way to share expectations with others and influence the expectations with others and influence the way they behave in the futureway they behave in the futureFeedback should be treated as an error-correcting mechanismFeedback should be given in such a way that others do not perceive you as trying to exert too much control over their actionsSometimes, you need to ask for feedbackThe information you get can insure that you will have what you need to make the appropriate corrections

Prepare Yourself to Behave Assertively

Assertive behavior Assertive behavior isn’t easy to pick upisn’t easy to pick upPractice in advance by1. Imagine yourself in the situation in which you want to use the technique2. Rehearse in front of a mirror the verbal and nonverbal behaviors you will use3. Have one or more of your friends help you

Other aids to considerOther aids to considerDevelop a scriptYou may consider writing a script for the situation as you role-play with verbal and nonverbal actionsFollow a role modelFind someone you know who is good at asserting him/herself and discuss how and what s/he does and act it out in front of a mirror